help me find him, help help me find him...

So I am sitting here at 6:33am so exhausted words cannot describe but scared if I go to sleep something more will happen with Daryll and Mary. Last night was bigtime eventful. Mary's wall now has 2 holes it thanks to Daryll. He said he hit the wall so he didn't hit her, good choice either way still a violent reaction. However she took all his clothes into the bathroom so he couldn't pack them and it took me about 10 mins to get to her and get him his clothes. Oh it was over her dead body that he was going back to Port. God she reminds me so much of how things went down with her father and I. She has had a headache all day as when Daryll hit the wall she banged her head on the wall she probably gave herself a mild concusion.
Daryll is only supposed to go home for 3 days, however like me at her age and well into my 20's she's panicking that he won't come back and he'll be with someone new. She's worried he'll cheat on her all the time even when he is here. She won't listen when we try to tell her she's making it worse by yelling and screaming at him everytime he says no to someonething, blocking him from leaving her room and/or house and puting him down. I do try to talk to Daryll when he escapes her and is either in tears or so upset or choked he sits down down here. Like I told him today she's never really dealt with the emotion of fear when she gets the emotion fear she deals with it by changing it to anger and having inappropriate behaviour so you have to try and remember that. They do badly need to learn how to deal w2ith one another when anger comes up cause one of them is going to cause major damage to the other if don't do something now.
So we went to mayfair today, Saw DJ omg GIRLS if you want A GORGEOUS, SWEET, LOVING GUY my son is 17 and GORGEOUS he is finally NICELY FORMING OUT. OMG HE IS HOT! i AM SO PROUD TO BE HIS MOMMY:) He has a winter formal coming up but doesn't have a date for it, may just go with the guys. So if your in his age bracket and you are single or know a sweet gal send her DJ's way. He works at Mayfair, he goes to Spectrum high, he GRADUATES this yea 2009r. His bday is in Feb is a pisces and will be 18. He has come a long long way in his life. He deserves a major award just for being my child. I really really wish we could track down his dad before he graduates. DJ has asked me to try and write his dad 1 more time. If anyone out there could help me get that info for me and we could give it to my son you have no idea how hugely a gift that would be for my son, wouldn't couldn't describe it.
Info I can give that I know about DJ's dad:
Born in Ontario(london ont I think but not sure, but was ont)
BRYAN LAURENCE MILLER
Believe his parents names are: Donald & Mary Miller they reside in North Bay Ontario
Siblings(I'm not 100% sure but I think they are):
Kevin(went to queens university*I think*), Mark, Andrea?
They owned McDonalds(I know they had 1, then I was told 2, and then I heard 3. Last I heard recently they sold them & are now retired)
Parents still live in the same house by Lake nippissing glen drive something like that, it was being renovated when I was visiting there
I believe his bday is July 29/72 (not 100% on that but I am sure that is pretty close if not bang on)
He went to Scollard Hall (sp?) High School, he often wore his jacket from there
He played on the football team from the school
In his room I believe he had a collection of pop cans around his bed for the life of me I cannot remember if it was coke or pepsi I didn't go right into the room just in the hallway
He went to france after grade 12 to do his last year of school june 1990 graduation
I believe he went to the western university of ontario would have been sept 1991
Bryan was a major jock but not into basketball
Chocolate gave him an easy high
Last I heard Bryan may have been residing in Ottawa but I can't say for sure. I also heard he recently got married.
he liked to play minigolf, that was actually our first date and we shared a chocolate shake and chocolate sunday; oddly enough chocolate gets DJ a high as well
DJ has known about Bryan all of his life. Anything & everything I could remember DJ knows about. I believe kids need to be told the truth. It bothers me when kids have like 3-4 and more dad's. You can have other dad figures but your father is your father. PERIOD. They can be an ass or worse but he's still your dad. Same goes for mom. *sigh*
DJ is now the age his father was when we got pregnant with DJ. I've told DJ it was 1 time, that 3teens do stupid things and don't always think things through. I also remind him that he's now 17 almost 18 think about his friends and him and it's not hard to imagine that things sometimes go too far. I know I should have not given in to the nonstop pushing and pushed back and said no out loud not just in my head. That night is so clear in my head I relive it alot I hate it because once it starts I can't stop it I have to finish replaying it and I just cry and throw up. He looks just like his dad right now and getting a bigger chest that's what he was missing he is finally filling out he's so happy and I am so proud. Mary says he's getting fat. NOT NICE MARY!
We're supposed to get snow tomorrow I love snow but not here, BC drivers cannot drive:(
Anyhow am off for now. Hey if you spot any fairies, tell them this single mom would love to shake their wands and remind santa to visit me, yes?/no? maybe? :( and the elves can come clean up here cause Mary and I are in too much pain to be moving much and that truly sucks:( hopefully ultrasound will find the culprit and we can the screwup and then I can be normal again stupid pain and when it shoots holdy crap it shoots like hell!

HEY OJ Congrats on your guilty verdict:):):):)

Come on now di he even have any chance at all of not coming out of this trial without being guilty? This was like angry sex trial, like I am so gonna get you back you mother.....Everyone wanted him to suffer and he was not gonna screw america twice we all knew it world wide! He could have stolen a lollipop from a baby and gave it back ha in Jail you bastard! If I Did It... Are you kidding me OJ??? Are you really that stupid? You really think writing that book wasn't gonna get you screwed? Your ass is gonna be slammed so bad. You had no chance in the court this time, your name was all the jurors needed to say guilty. You were tried in the court of public opinion it really didn't matter if you killed Nicole or not public opinion says your black ass did it so now your going to jail bye bye OJ hope you enjoyed your freedom while you had it:) The Goldmans finally got you sentenced wow how did that happen huh?I guess you have lots of time to think about that where your going...For the record I was one of the few who actually believed OJ may not have been guilty that the facts may look like he could have doesn't mean the puzzle pieces fit, but that book If I did it that disgusted me

The Games People Play & On To Other Things...

If this does not completly copy come to my facebook to read the rest at:
facebook my profile is Angela MacRae http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816
You know what I hate? I hate the games others play with others deeper personal emotions. They work on you assuring you can trust them and if that doesn't work, they get you when your vulnerable, say like when your drunk or maybe high on painkillers and are not able to think clearly. Acting like they care and you can trust them. But quickly afterwards you find out it was all a game, like the games you had in highschool. Do you remember how when you and your boyfriend would be so cutsie wootsie and so much more emotional when their friends weren't around but soon as their friends were around they'd be all hey baby like what the hell go find your friends I'm busy right now like get a life whatever...Yeah they just perfect that game as adults. They don't need their friends around to do it. Now with the net you can get dumped even easier you don't even get dumped you look on your profile and suddenly they are not there anymore and your all like wtf? Or you sned them text message and they are all like leave me alone. WTF? Girls do it too, actually some girls can be worse then men. I think it hurts when you have been single a good long while didn't want to lay trust in anyone and some dumb fuck decides to take it as a challenge only to say ha I win dudes she's used goods now. Like why do guys do that shit why do they enjoy causing that kind of pain? I honestly don't think I have ever done that and I would never do that. All of my relationships have been long term and I believe I truly loved each of them deeply. I care about peoples feelings and If I hurt them it leaves me feeling shitty unless I hurt them verbally which I know was always done out of pain as I have always done so out of my pain of being attacked about me, my kids or those I love. I do try to get away from the situation now before I say something I regret.
I have to say I don't regret anyone I have been with I may not like the way it happened or the way it ended but something in me cared for them at the time. I have to say the most recent makes me laugh another Mike I think I need to keep away from Mikes they all end badly not like horrible badly just badly in different ways. A few of us think this recent Mike may not have been telling the whole truth about his situation. My daughter thinks I should tell his friends and write it on his wall and just completely out him. but no I'm fine with it. Everything happens for a reason, although I can be vengeful just really don't care I feel karma has him marked anyhow. Funny my daughter reminds me so much of the old me I hate it. Bothers me alot, I keep wishing she would take what I learned and that I changed and go with that but instead she is repeating my old behaviour and when I talk to her about it she says how does it feel to watch it happening like I did? Like a punch in the gut. I just tell her don't do it for the many years I did. What bothers me too is I spent time one night talking to her bf and she was mad when she finally came home, she told me she is not a little girl anymore that I can't fix everything. I wanted to cry. I want to help, I want to fix, it's hard just to listen o her and her bf work it out alone. I always thought when my kids were teens it would be so much fun, however my son he has actually said sometimes you need a stern parent not a friend. That's hard. I had hardass dad really hardass military hardass and I don't want to be like that. Teens are very hard to raise. I keep thinking my 2 oldest are almost adults. My psychiatrist has said I am already going through empty-nest syndrome. Everytime they talk about moving out on their own I just cry and panic I feel like their leaving me. I know it's inevitable. But it's hard for me to deal with.

UPDATE: I HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE MIKE WAS A MAN HE STOOD UP HE TOOK WHAT HE DID AND HE ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED! So apparently there is guys out there who even though can do lousy acts can still be sweet but confused. Things happened that just went too fast and I think both of us got hurt or at the very least confused. I have to say thankyou Mike for apologizing and standing up and being honest although it took some words and a little ache it means the world to me that my trust was not misguided in the end you stood up to some big things that most wouldn't that will always mean alot to me. I'm glad we can remain friends, I only wish more men were like you *hugs*

So I swear to God lately service seems to be bad everywhere we go lately. We went to thrifty foods at admirals walk a few days ago and we wanted 3 egg sandwhiches and they said they were just finishing making it up. So we went and got drinks and came back. They were acting very confused. Eventually they figured out where the egg mix was and then where the bread was. Then omg were all confused about items to put on the sandwhiches got them all wrong, but we were in a hurry and weren't in the mood to try and get them to do it right. We were so frustrated. Just grabbed them and went to pay for them. Must have been a bad day cause there too we had issues with the lady at the till. A customer was trying to find out if there was money on her gift cards so she could reload them and the lady at the till looked like could not figure out what she wanted and finally figured out how to check them then was unsure how to reload them, finally she got it done and we were rung through we were in there entirely way too long!

I'm on the lookout for more victoria frances posters. I totally love her work. It would be awesome if the clothes that she puts on the ladies in her work were buyable. I love the dresses I would love to wear them. One thing people do notice when they come to my place is my love of vampires but they don't realize yes I love vampires but if you look at all the posters although their vampires they are victoria frances.

If you are a pet owner cat or dog buy them GREENIES I have no idea what the hell is in these treat but my cats go crazy for the chicken ones. I am not kidding, there is something about these treats that drives them crazy. My cat CASPER when I got a trial treat for them came down stairs into the livingroom climbed up onto the table and right to the GREENIES. My cats have only ever done something like that with catnip. For dogs they even have cookies.. For a free sample go to http://www.greenies.com they even have ones you can put their pills in if they have to take medication. I never have advocated anything for animals before but these treats are amazing and they help clean their teeth.

So we've been trying those thinsations we like the oreo ones the best and there is lots the commercial is not kidding when they say there is lots, there certainly are. I also like the peek freans shortcake ones.
I also love the Quaker granola crunchers the chocolate flavour only 90 calouries for a package. we've tried the Quaker Crispy delights also 90 calories a pkg chocolaty drizzle & vanilla drizzle we didn't like either they tasted like styrofoam
We always have the lean quisine lasagna we love although when they changed it up we were not impressed but go5t used to it. Lately we tried Stouffer's lasagna and metballs didn't go over so well. However we tried Roast turkey OMFG it was actually way beyond what we expected, so we bought the big version-SO NOT WORTH IT. all it add is green beans and YUCKO they went in the garbage, we won't be buying the large version again!
Mary tried the new OhHenry cookies and didn't take more than 2 bites she thought they were disgusting.
I recently found Tropical Orange Smoothie Flavour Bacardi Breezer OMG it is so good if you like orange creamsicles you would love this it's like mega awesome:)
My new laundry soap is Gain Soothing Sensations Lavender Lilac Moment Goes really well with my Bounce Lavender febreeze OMG when I washed my bedding in it for the first time, I could smell it soon as I walked in my room. I LOVE LAVENDER! I love Lilacs as well. Mary says she is sick of lavendar I buy Febreeze in as many products as I can because they now have it in lavender. The products I use because of the lavender febreeze contained in it is: Mr.Clean magic eraser, Mr. clean cleaner, febreeze spray, bounce, swiffer. I would like to see it in dishsoap. I would love Lavender products for body and hair that are straight strong lavender, body spray as well. It is a natural relaxant for me:)

We bought the stick up bulb it runs on batteries, mine did not work. Mary's is already dead. It comes with 2 tiny bulbs. My suggestion would be don't buy it!

Also scrubbing bulbs recently came out with that device to pop a sticker in your toilet to clean your toilet everyday and to never have to throw it out it just fades away on it's own. Yeah ok. We bought it. It's not a stick it's goo, seriously goo. Trying to think how to compare it, kinda like slime a thick sline. It all sits in this plastic tube for just over $4. You move the thing up kinda like a syringe so it alots the first part of the goo and the goo sits in your toilet. It's green goo. It's about the size of a canadian twoonie. We haven't seen it clean shit. So it's lookin so far like it's $4 to have goo dissolve in our toilet:)

Mary was having mega pain in her right side, we took her to the clinic and they immedietly sent her to the hospital. The nurse told her they would run blood tests get her on an IV. However once the dr came he was really nasty to her, very dismissive. He didn't seem to give two shits about her. Sent her home telling her that it's probably a cyst that is rupturing in her ovary and to take some tylenol and deal with it. Oh I was pissed, but he wasn't listening to me either. Damn it I hate some dr's. She should of at least had an ultrasound to make sure that's what it was!

I saw my dr a few days ago she is running more blood tests she cannot figure out what is going on with me and if the blood tests come back inconclusive again she sending me to an internist. I am not sure what an internist does but if they can figure out what the hell is going on I guess that's what I have to do. I am so tired of going to dr's though:( My dr is like why can't you have something simple wrong. I was like I know I hate it. I just want someone anyone to figure this shit out. I am so tired of passing out for no reason and eating salt to hell and the pain in my muscles and joints is getting more and more unbearable at times. She's doing a test on my calcium level. I told her whatever I drink so much milk it's not funny I can drink 4 litres in 2 days sometimes 1 day and she said that does not mean my body is taking it in. Are you serious?

Oh this is funny: These two guys were parked at the lights down by mayfair mall and all of a sudden this guy threw a fresh cigarette out his window and his friend is yelling and I tell my kid pick it up she won't tell her friend to pick up she doesn't so I go pick it up and throw it back in the trusk *lmfao* The guy had udder shock on his face and didn't know what the hell just happened and everyone is laughing. I had to run and catch the bus and he threw it back out the window lol~so bud if your out there or any of your friends I'm the crazy bitch who threw the cigarette back into the truck lol on douglas street at the lights by mayfair mall.

Another thing I told my daughter I would blog about We were on the bus coming home, both of us had alot of bags to carry so she was on one seat with all her bags and I sat behind her with all my bags. Then some fricken lady got on and she told Mary to move she was sitting there. I couldn't believe Mary listened that was one time that lady was in the wrong there were a bunch of seats open there was so no need to be fricken runde. What the hell is wrong with people?

I love this new show the dr's. I just heard in the state of alabama you have to pay an extra 35 dollars on your insurance if you are overweight a year. That is discriminatory. I think that is a crock if you ask me.

So my house is a little busy right now, Mary's BF is living here until he gets into youth housing. His sister & Mary's friend Maryiln is also here for a couple of weeks until she moves to be with her parents in Port. Her BF has been spending some time here Russell he's a good kid very easy to get along with makes me laugh. I guess he'll be 17 this week. His brother Clarence is up visiting for a few days 18 I believe.
DJ got a job throwing Whak a Ball at the mall I bought 3 egg balls. I believe he is also doing a volunteer job, been attending pre grad parties already and keeping up with school. I'm a little worried he's going to get burnt out. Doing too much. I want this year to be as much fun as possible grad year so much stuff he can get involved with, but I don't want him to do so much he burns out. He's already gotten sick, he only seems to get sick when he overdoes things, so...

I talked to the kids grandma today cause I am PISSED their trying to get Sarah diagnosed as ADHD she does not have any of the AD.... She's been tested I told them she didn't have the pediatrician agreed with me. She has no short term memory which can mock some behaviours, but she's not AD.... I swear to God I am getting tired of Heidi trying to make Sarah be sick, Sarah is a very healthy child. Slow because of he developmental disabilities, her short term memory loss, anemia but otherwise nothing else is wrong with her, GOD IT IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY!! Breathe breathe breathe....

Ok I am going to go now that I am wound up...

Maybe A New beginning? Writing About Binging..

Here I float between the present and the past. somewhere between darkness and light. Is that light ahead or another path of torture disguised as delight? Why do I hold onto the pain so much easier than the happiest times? I have really worked through the last train wreck, i know it wasn't me, I mean there was part of me I stayed I chose to let it go one but I did finally find the courage within to say no more get out. I have never regretted it. The kids really are better for it. But no one forgets 4 yrs of your life. Like I told him recently I don't hate him I hate the sick crap he did! So anyhow..
...Lately I somehow found myself on another path and out of the blue I found giggles and laughter. I found intriguement I thought I had lost. What could this mean? I am trying not to get excited, I always get let down when I get excited. But my whole self being is being reawoken and I don't know I thought I was ready before but Suddenly I think nope NOW I REALLY AM READY.
So it's kinda scary cause uhm parts of me are waking up I forgot I had lol. Part of me wants to shut back down. It's kinda that fight or flight response.
I had an RNY and I wrote something the other day. I would like to write here, actually try to remember it here:
There you are my friend, the friend who is always there for my scary moments, my upset moments, my really happy moments. No one can do what you do. Oh you small so good and the textures you provide are so wonderful. Pure aromatherapy. I can cry and share you with me and no one will laugh or tell me to deal with it. what you bring to me can not be matched by anything else. No one has to know. Behind those closed doors it's just us. As I swallow another bag of chips and the milk goes down so well. Another jos luis oh yes. *tears* you are my true friends you never let me down. Oh the salty fries the glide down so well. Oh I am feeling so fat right now, oh here it comes porcelin bowl my other friend we're on our way and up it comes over and over, the sweats, the rapid heartbeat the tears, sometimes even passing out right there. Make sure that toothbrush is right there to help that last bit come up. Until the next binge my friends.... This was my life until I had the RNY and was actually hosptal while pregnant with my 3rd child as i managed to loose 60lbs doing this, I was angry as they weighed me everyday. I have to admit I have done it a few times since my rny but I get dumping with my rny and when I have binged it makes me sick almost right away so a binge to me wouldn't really count to most people but I feel still shameful!
unfortunately my parents made food a huge issue for us and I think about food 24/7 and thus it's dribbled down to my kids. My oldest he thinks about food but I think he's pretty healthy, my middle child is too skinny she is trying to ain lbs with protien and my youngest hoardes food , I worry about her alot.
My dad used to tell me I was going to look like my mom the whole time I grew up. It deeply affected me.

So anyhow yeah life is kinda changing for me right now, I think I might be moving towards something that could be making me happy:)<

What's In Your Heart & Why Aren't I Running?

Imagine for a moment that your heart was like a big locket that I could snap open and look into, now imagine I took it and looked inside what would I find within your locked walls?
Would I find feathers and rainbows, a place that is like a window opened up waiting for a soul to share what's in their heart to make both complete? Soft music that lulled you both towards one another and as I closed the locket we are one within it dancing like we were always meant to be?
Or would I find a darkened heart that has brinck walls, a dark path filled with lightening storms and rain that led me down a darkned forest that could lead me to a dead end and a place I could drown in?
Maybe it's that heart that at first looks warm and fuzzy but then a wild animal comes out from no where and attacks me and I barely crawl out from the locket taking all I have to close it up.
dare I try to look into each locked heart? I have looked into some dark places before what if the next one burns me alive? What's in your locked up heart? Your heart looks shiny and sweet on the outside dare I believe it is a show of what's to come on the inside? Dare I peek on the inside? My head is rushing, my fingers trembling, you have stepped into the ring, you have my intrigue. You have got this scorpio intrigued. My eyes are huge and my stinger is ready to sting, Like an unsure cat just before another strikes it I am there... dare I get closer dare I try. So many thoughts run through my head. Part of me wants to turn and run, so why aren't I? what is it about you that has my attention and what is it about you that is keeping me here? You already make me smile, you make me laugh, and that special feeling could be a ploy, I should run, so why aren't? What's in your locked heart? caution I must use caution...

A Butterfly awaits Her Knight...

if i looked into your eyes would you look away or would hold my stare? If I touched your skin would you pull me close or kindly pull away? If I leaned in for a kiss, would you refuse it or leanin deep like you'd been waiting for it too? Are you a lonely heart who's scared to find love because it could hurt you, but you also want love because you know it feels so good to have someone close to be with and share life things together with? Are you someone loves someone based on the reue you and not what they carry with them. You love for reasons like they make you laugh, make you weak, , makes you feel things no one else does? Are you strong enough to make a fearful and cautious me come out of her cacoon and be the butterfly that lives within it? Knowing once you do the effort you put in will come back to you in emotion will come back tenfold, so again I ask, If I looked into your eyes would you hold my stare? Do you have the strength to get me out of my caccoon...

Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover...

Close your eyes imagine me by your side. I can feel your breathe on my skin, your hands as they rub my shoulders and move down my back, something magical is happening. How do I stop this feeling, your getting me flushed. I turn and our eyes meet I can't stop it our lips meet omg you make me melt. I haven't been to this place for such a long time. I'm not sure I remember where this place leads to. I am not sure I can stop, I'm not sure I want to. Your hands touch my skin and a fire begins to burn on my skin. I touch your skin and the look in your eyes is soft and yet a touch of fire within your pupils. I can see myself in your eyes and I begin to remember what this used to feel like. I tiny shiver runs up my spine as I feel your fingertip trace up the small of my back. do I dare go further from this place? I feed off the hunger you make so obvious, the scent of your cologne teases my scences and only pulls me closer to you. Something I've gone so long without sems like yesterday with you here tonight. Our shirts fall to the floor and I smile as we fall onto the bed, any nerves I had you've shattered, tonight I wish I was your lover, tonight we will become lovers as our skin burns into one another, as our hands entangle and we become one wild animals leaving all inhibitions on the floor. Yesterdays fears and tears are forgotten and gone, as you tear deeply within me, as I scream out your name and our breath becomes deep and in sync, damn I wish I was lover, and tonight I will be, leaving all inhibitions on the floor...

Bring Back firertalk

years ago I used to be on a program online called FIRETALK. A program I just couldn't have imagined not ever coming into. You talk live and in person as a group of people in a room. Now I know there is other programs that try to be like it but none have ever come close to the way it was on firetalk. I made some awesome friends, real life friends. We laughed together, cried together, and grew together. I think we were like family and many of us still talk and see one another today. But the reality is we still lost some of them. I really believe the feelings and emotions in there were real time and true. No we didn't always get along hello it was real life yes we fought too but that how people who love one another are. Somehow we all always worked things out. Some fell in love, some fell out of love. Some became tighter than others but we were all family knit. We want that back, God knows I want that back. I actually grew to really trust these people I could be myself. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't, and online that is huge these days cause too many people are something their not. I refuse to be something I am not. take the good with the bad or don't take me at all that's how it all comes. Trust me firetalk could be an application you could truly benifit from. If you agree it would be great if you would sign the petition to help us try to get it back, and pass it along....Bringing Back Firetalk http://www.petitiononline.com/Firetalk/petition.html
Let me know your backing me up so that if it does come back you and I will hook up on there ok? *hugs*

I Love Corey Haim Baggage & All, & About Corey feldman

Feldman the thing I am upset about is Feldman going on about how fat he thinks he is. Then goes and has liposuction. That's gotta be putting out good vibes to men and women out there right? suzie thought he looked good, I know his admirers did. His mom was pretty hard on him, God he grew up in a hard home. I'm surprised how well rounded he turned out after hearing out how life growing up was. Corey F. you were fine the way you were and I am sorry you grew up with a mother making you feel low about your looks but you should not feed into her streotypying with such a huge following you are doin the smae to your followers showing them that even your body is not good enough for TV let alone yourself. I hope your happy with your surgery but you did not need it!

Corey Haim I have loved him since he was in lost boys and all his other movies. When he recently admitted he has been a cutter I was like wow he and I have so many things in common. I cry sometimes in the past few episodes of the two Coreys I can see how frustrated he is. I know what it is like to self destruct. You just get that fear and you blow it ithought consciously knowing. I do think he definetly has some chemical problem in the brain like I have bipolar and he does need his meds but sometimes it's hard to not want to just wanna shut things out. I have never take street drugs to do that but I have been at points where I took too many pills just to shut things up in my head. drinking too. I have sedatives that shut everything down at night or I'd be awake at night. seeing nelle cry that was hard but I know she is having a hard time confronting corey H.
I seriously really hope that Corey Haim doesn't crash and burn any further than he already has. I freaked when I heard about the car accident. Wow the world would loose a really special man if we lost him, I am seriously concerned for him and think about him alot, he is in my prayers and thoughts. I am glad the accident was able to be of small measures and no one was hurt let's pray there are no more accidents. We are out here Corey Haim we love you:)

Chef Ramsey

Don't ask me why but I was just sitting here and was thinking what would it be like for a woman to be in in Chef ramsey's life? can you imagine it? Every second word the man uses is fuck. I rather like the show Kitchen nightmares, he'd probably eat me for breakfast lunch and dinner. He'd probably have me crying in about 2.3 secons or less. No way I can watch Hell's Kitchen he chews them out and reeats them so he can spit them out again. I don't know how they get through the abuse. I think to watch Hells Kitchen you have to not have been abused in your lifetime or enjoy abusing or watching abuse of others seriously! Cause me I break down for them I just can't do it, he is one of the harshest men I have ever seen on TV.
Then my mind started to think about some of his softer moments. Some of you are like say what? lol no seriously if you watch his shows you have to have seen when it has come down to health and family ect he actually comes down to earth and is realistic and kind. I think he truly does have a very soft side, he just doesn't show it very often on TV and I think that's how the producers want it to be.
I think I would love to meet him but not for anything more than to just meet him the real him. I am second generation canadian my grandmother is from englad and I don't like the way the english are coming off in alot of the tv shows over the past couple years. My family are not like these judges and stuff and I think that needs to be fixed. Anyhow wierd that I was thinking about him but there ya go.

I don't know whether to be Upset or Pissed

So my dr was in the clinic today unfortunately I missed her and got Dr.Partridge who #1 refused to give me my iron shot, he doesn't do those shots because they could kill you and if my dr wants to kill me she could go at it. omg I was ready to cry and told him then get a dr who will he totally refused!
#2 He refused to give me my normal medication which i totally need and have been tking for god knows how long, told me to get the pharmasy to fax them which my own dr has already told me NOT TO FUCKIN DO! He had my chart right there but ddn't know what my meds were wtf? So getting my flexoral for my back and aching muscles do you even think for a moment I would get that? I've been shaking for over an hour I am so upset.
I have never felt so frustrated and upset with a dr in my life! I am leaving to ottawa pretty quick and I somehow have to get back there again & not get him! How did he get his PHD?

Cats Need Miracles Too/In Darkness

So last night I figured out why Storm is really clinging to me and whiney. As he tried to sit and eat his food I noticed the lump I thought I felt is actually alot bigger than I thought and so swollen he can't sit comfortably, he was very fidgetty while he tried to eat. It had to be his bad leg he already can't tuck it under him now he can barely sit it hurts. It's killing me. Storm is like a child to me, only he really does love me unconditionally.If something were to happen to him I would die inside I love him so much. He has an appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm my dad has agreed to take me thank God. Now I need to find some funding. I made some calls but all I got was machines. Their not killing my cat, I won't let them, I can't *tears* God I even emailed Phil how bad is that? I doubt I will hear from him though. I wish animals had medical just like us humans. I think they should. Storm has been through so much and he's come through alot I'm not going to loose him now, not now! You know you look into those eyes and they can't talk but you can almost hear the words, *tears* I love my Storm!

Mary had a doctors appointment today I didn't but my mom she got on my case, made me get my iron shot, grrr I hate getting those stupid shots. She's on my case to get my blood tests done too. I can't remember the last time I have seen my mother so concerned about my health, I guess that speaks volumes about how bad it's really gotten. I know when I went to walmart with her the other day I was just about gonna faint but sat before I did. She didn't like that but at least I sat before sometimes I don't even get to catch myself. I've been eating alot of regular chips lately not because I want chips but because I want salt. If I make food I pour a ton of salt on it. I don't think I have ever craved salt to this capacity in my life. I hate to see what level my iron is at! Usually I use only the bare minimal of salt it's crazy.About Mary's appointment it didn't go as planned, we're gonna try for another full checkup in a month, we'll see. Not real sure I mean she was super freaked out, just real freaked out cryin and shit. There are some points that happen in parenting when you get to them & your kid responds unlike you expected and you know it's detrimental they see it differently but trying to make them see it that way makes them look like your handing them over to wolves it breaks your heart & you just want to protect them. I mean I stroked her hair and wiped away her tears and inside I was struggling like God she needs to do this but she is just looking so traumatized I want to protect, how do I do both? In the end it didn't happen and she became much calmer. We discussed it with her the dr and I and we will keep trying till she is comfortable.

Holy fuck I'm having another crying fit, what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching Big Brother 9. OK I admit it I yell at the TV. I am upset for James he is in there all by himself I think and I feel sad for him. I think James is alot like me I think he'd be cool to hang with. He's not some fucked up 2 faced superfical asshole! There needs to be more people like him in this world. Him going after Shiela I yelled with him lol and I started to cry I thought he was gonna cry too.I am sick of Shiela and her crap. I am glad he let out some steam he has not been himself since Chelsia left. Is there any way to contact the players after the show is over cause serious James really he just seems to really care about people & I would love to be able to tell him that he has impacted my life for the good. Evel Dick too another man who has a great heart he taught me alot about the bond between a father and a daughter. Mary keeps saying spiteful things about her dad and I hate it. She says he won't be at her wedding I told her there has to be, she said over her dead body, that hurts me. He's her dad, he may not be the best dad but he's her dad I wish they would both make more of an effort. It just huurts so much. I raised my girls to love their dad, I called him on holidays ect. His parents bought the cards and gifts. He saw them a couple times a yr. The girls say he talks smack about me & they hate it. Whatever he is still their dad and I want them to love their dad period! DJ too. He was raised since day 1 knowing about his father Bryan Miller from North Bay Ontario. He has always known of him, have told him all the info on his dad I have. When I learn more I tell him. What we really want is a picture even better pictures of his dad. It's something Mary has held over his head that they've seen their dad and he never has such bullcrap!
muahahahahahaha James won POV SUCKA'S SUCK ON THAT! I totally think he has good karma workin in his corner

I got Mary another lamb today. She was so worked up & upset from her appointment & went into the store to pick up a few groceries. I saw this cutest lamb with a pink bathrobe on it so I bought it for her. She loved it. I got her one for easter too it is her hugest one almost as big as her. I have been collecting lambs for her since she born. The biggest thing I haven't been able to find is upsetting to me is a comforter with a lamb on it. I would love to find a pink or purple comfoter with a lamb on it and the trim to have lambs across it. Would love to have pillow shams and cutains to match but apparently that is never going to happen:( I'm sure eventually I will find a lamb light. I look in the bay stres and isles as well. Eventually I'll find the plaque with the poem of Mary had a little lamb to hang up in her room. It's funny cause her step mom got on board and got her a lamb at christmas and it's the one from Avon it smells really pretty tranquility, now I want one lol:)

Sarah I buy her soccer everything. Having that collection I have learned if you see it buy it right then because it will be gone if you go back for it later. That is a hella popular collection. She also collects hats, so does my dad. My mom has always collected spoons and porcelin dolls, my brother elephants, my sisters snowmen, pennants, clowns(eww), porcelain masks, my neice collects bells, DJ likes dragons, I collect wish boxes, mystical things, victoria francis work, shrek toys, pushback buttons & pins(since grade3 from all over the world, if you would like to send some let me know any kind is good), talking t-shirts, piglet stuff, I like other pink pig stuff too:), black and white cameos.
Crap I am starting to burn up again. I seem to be going through burning up and chills last few days not sure why but rest of me feels fine so it's probably nuthin. Anyhow off for now...
In Darkness...
Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shadows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shdows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day passes I stop tracking time. no one even passes I stop tracking time. o one even knows I'm gone, everyone was gone before I was gone. I think as I lay under the tree and watch the dark water I somehow was loosing everyone I was close to. No one ever called, or came over or called. I had lost my friends and I didn't know why, the darkness I felt right then was the picture of what I already felt inside. Tears burned hotly down my face, I was getting weaker, not much longer I thought will anyone notice I'm gone. Will anyone ever find me, will anyone even care? I didn't know why I was so bad but as I took my last breathes I wrote in the sand, I'm sorry for whatever I did, & know my friends my loved ones today as I take my last breathe I love you, thankyou for impacting my life, see you on the other side...

Grandmothers

GRANDMA'S: MY THOUGHTS
By: Angela MacRae
Remembering the days when you had grandmas soft hands hold yours? That even with those soft tender hands you felt lit up and safe inside. There's something about a grandma that touches us deeper than other family. How they keep a family tradition going, family getogethers are synonomous with grandmas house. Grandmas homemade cooking, sewing and knitting. The wonderful stories they tell us of our parents youth, as well as their own. My generation is not keeping up with many of those things and I often think about how my grandchildren will be affected by that. Grandmas have that soft flowery smell that just makes you want to cuddle with them for long periods of time. As you look upon their slowly withering and soft wrinkling ("laugh lines" my grandma once told me) on their face you melt. No one on earth can make you feel what a grandmother makes you feel. It's like once your a grandmother you begin to grow your angel wings. To see pain in their eyes brings tears to yours and you would give your everything to see that look taken away from her. So when grandmothers slip away into darkness, when they see you; but no longer know you, you know that pain is deep. I have 2 grandmothers in which darkness has come to take them away. This darkness called alzheimers is taking my grandmothers away. One's in a home, another on the way. It's hard seeing my grandmother so beautiful a person, so happy. She looks at me and I look at her searching, hoping somewhere she sees me. My heart is screaming out-WHY? Why can't you remember me?Why are you here in body and not in mind?I won't cry-must hold back tears grandma wouldn't understand would only add confusion. If only I could make 3 wishes, I'd bring you back to me My sweet, loving, hilarious, honest, inspirational grandmother...

I DON'T WANT TO CRY
I don't want to cry, especially over you
I don't want to cry, I'm long done & through with you
I don't want to cry, you don't deserve my tears
I don't want to cry, You've already wasted so much of my years
I don't want to cry, yet I cry and cry and cry
I don't want to cry, for all you ever were was a lie
I don't want to cry, but I'm afraid that's not the case
I don't want to cry, these tears burn down my face
I don't want to cry, I need a brand new start
I don't want to cry, it's time to heal this heart
I don't want to cry, I'll wish on a star tonight
I don't want to cry, someone new will come to me I'm done with you I've finally saw the light!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816

So That Didn' Constitute The Police?

Okay so today(I haven't been to bed yet) But July 3rd I was in downtown Victoria BC after an appointment.On the intersection of Douglas and Johnston Street close to 4pm a young man it would appear had some kinda of huge breakdown. Out of nowhere he began just freaking right out. He first started to yell and jump on his backback which got people's attention sure enugh. But then he decided that whatever had him pissed should get the drivers invoved, he began to unpack his backpack and throw all the items from it onto the road into the intersection, just hurled them. Everyone just stood around and watched. Calling 911 guess what their response was? Well we're kinda busy down here maybe some nice citizens will take it upon themselves to pick up his stuff off the road. Too busy? leave it to our citizens? Holy crap woman. Whatever...
I did after he left and had picked up maybe a couple papers and left everything else including his backpack behind, decide to try and clear the road of some of his stuff. Some fricken lady came up to me like I was fuckin crazy and asked if I needed some help with something.
I turned to her and said I am taking it upon myself to try and get some of this crap off the roads that some pisshead left on the road. Maybe not in those words but grr that pissed me off. What the hell is wrong with people? I did take pics.
On June 30th at Tillicum mall when we came out from Silver City we also ran into 3 fire trucks I believe being there. Apparently there was a small brushfire. Apparently there is forever being brushfires there.Oh to Joy....

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Mega Catchup

60mins show has me wondering what is ur side on this pill?
11:11pm Monday, Jun 18
On 60 minutes The Memory Pill produced by Shari Finkelstein has me wondering what your morals have you saying about the debate in this new pill some people want to put on the market. My side is yes yes yes.I would take it I would so take it if it would end my PTSD. I would so let my kids take it. It is short term it is such a great break in medical tests I just think more tests need to be allowed to happen. This pill needs a chance in this world today.The pill is called PROCLANILOL I may have spelt it wrong but pretty sure it's spelt right. How it is explained is that this tests has showed that it can stop memories from forming into long term traumatic events. Apparently it has been shown in tests in rats that adreniline rushes to our forefronts and is what makes our memories because stronger and more active when a traumatic event happens. When the rats were shot with this med it stopped the adreniline and the memories were cut off. In human tests short term tests showed they worked as well. Later they did tests on some people who have had long term Post traumatic stress disorder and in at least one case her memories were no longer traumatic and destroying her life like they were before. This was not just with the medication but with suggestions and a movie ect. You really should watch the documentary to get the whole gist of it. However when they wanted to do long term tests apparently the FDA pulled it and said no.Some people say memories are what make us who we are. That this drug could become abused and overused. If a guy has a bad date and makes an ass of himself well hell I will just take a pill. Or a girl dumps you and it hurts real bad just take a pill. This is the other side of the fight keeping the drug from being used. I say this happens with many medications in today that are used. This is always a possibilty this is the caution of doctors. It does not erase the memory, you still have it, just not the pain that comes with it. You can go on and leave a productive happier life than you may have before use with this medication. So what's your view. Curiousity lets me ask you the question yes or no and why?
Being A Black Sheep & Other Thoughts...
6:43pm Saturday, Jun 23
I have not being well lately so not been blogging. Anything I have written is on here, but no worries, I will copy and past to my other journals all these past entries when I am back to par if that ever happens; and when my dad brings me finally a new computer. I just wanted to mention how right now I am thinking about how other people deal with being a black sheep #1- in their plutonic family, #2- external family, and #3- people in life. Growing up I always felt of the 3 kids my brother and I were both black sheep. However I felt darker than he for I was always blamed for him being a dark sheep. Somehow how he was a reflection of me as an older sibling, not a reflection of my parents. I still hold that pain with me today and can't let it go. However my siblings seem to have easily let go of the pains and darkness in our childhoods. Now we are all adults and somehow as one sibling now is a workaholic and lifes will is all about money and the other has suffered pains no one should go through now makes them both pure sheep and I a disappointment to them and to the world. I guess in someways I am a disappointment to myself. No one grows up wishing for disabilities and mental disorders. Those make me somewhat less. However I am extremely outspoken. I do not belief my lifespan will be very long. I believe I have suffered more than one should. I kept strong friends because I wasn't. Somehow over time I learned to speak my mind. I learned to stop being quiet cause I had had enough of hiding behind my friends. If you have dirty laundry too damn bad, maybe you should have thought about those actions before you took them. When did it become okay for anyone to tell anyone they needed to learn their place? When did it become okay for anyone to scream in someones face? Did it suddenly become okay to hide the fact that you feel afraid sometimes when your being yelled at? The whole fricken world knows I am so not a puritan. I was a teen mom. I have always been jealous, and an emotional wreak. Those close to me know I HATE CLEANING! I have no issue with admitting I like to be lazy, thing is maybe that caught up with me, because now I have osteoarthritis in my spine, now it hurts to lift, it hurts to be overly physical, it hurts to go out for hours, it hurts to hike. I love to hike, I love to camp. When I was young I swam, was in the jogging club, jazz dancing, I walked all the damn time till in my 20's when I was so overweight I couldn't. Which I did something about. Ya know? I don't know why I am the way I am but I am. I hate being so sick. Who gets this sick? It's ridiculous and I always laugh and say the devil doesn't want me and neither does God, so I am just gonna suffer with every medical disorder. Lucky me!!!I won't hide things I know, I won't shut up. Threaten me go right ahead I will still write about it. I will also write your threat. I am done with people thinking they can walk on me. Nope journals are awesome, it helps me think to myself, it helps me talk and get answers I can't maybe sometimes come up with on my own. If you think that makes me evil screw you! Secrets are something I grew up with. I try very hard to have my kids not do the same. Because no one needs that in their life! Secrets are bad, they make you sick and they will hurt you! They say my sign is the sign of sex and death. I used to be someone who was hugely sexual being sick pretty much has killed that part of me for the moment but death, I think about it alot. I never thought being sick like this was going to come to my adult life. Not with how active I was when younger:( Oh and as for me being spiteful. When I was with Michael when he hit I used to break his stuff, throw dishes, glasses ect. We were both so out of control. Calling nonstop, walking for hours to get to his place. I think now looking back we both were bad to one another. Doug, I was more spiteful with him in the way of putting up a website about him, leaving ,essages galore. He actually taught me how to relax my ass. Even told me himself that me over everyone had changed more than anyone he knew hands down. I no longer yelled or anything, between him and my youngest I went to the other side. Silence. When I can't keep it together anymore. I shut right down. I journal shit you say? I journal what I feel and how I experienced an experience, but people need to realize that it is how I FELT about it. The other side can see it differently and I have always said that. Anyhow whatever, maybe...
(Dermatillomania/CSP), OCD, Self Mutilation, and Skin Picking
7:00pm Sunday, Jun 24
My OCD tendencies lately seem to be at an all time high. I hate it. I wish people could have it for a day and understand what it is like to do something and even when made contious of it can't stop it. I have done skin picking for all my life. I have also done alot of self mutilation, but have through therapy gotten better with at least the cutting issues. They say OCD is also related to Terrets syndrome. I do it more when I am feeling, stressed, out of control, hurt ect. I also have an aversion to using certain utensils and dishes but can't explain why, I just can't use them it makes me want to throw up. I also save EVERYTHING! I have had so many fights with my mom, and guys in my life over saving everything and them throwing shit out. I get panicked that if I throw something out I will end up needing it or wanting it and then what? When everything is neat too I struggle more to find things, makes no sense to anyone else but it does to me. It's a daily struggle.My mom, my neice and I all have the skin picking issue. My kids have all done it but seem to have learned how to control it. One is a little less controlled than the other two and I think will always have that tendency now. My therapist had put me on celexa which I still take hoping it would calm my OCD down but it hasn't. I have not yet heard of a drug that can cure OCD. That would be so great if there were cause I hate it. I hate if I don't do it I panic, I feel sick, I feel shaky. It is a soother for me. Can't explain it, don't really understand it myself but it really does feel lonely. I think more studies and tests need to be done with people who have OCD. I would easily participate in a study, if it would stop it altogether. It would be such a freedom. Anyhow that is my rant for today. As you might well guess from reading this I am more violent to myself than to others. I am mouthy and bitchy to others, but when it comes down to physical altercations I would rather do it to myself!!! So there ya go!http://www.trich.org/AllJoinHands/HowToHandsDownAThon.htmhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickaderms http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickers/http://grossbart.com/picking.htmlhttp://www.psyke.org/http://facepick.tripod.com/ www.ocfoundation.org
Pissed & Frustrated With Getting FIFA U20 Tickets...
11:43am Wednesday, Jun 27
So Sarah and Phil's sister were bought tickets to go to see the FIFA U20 soccer games here in Victoria. I wanted Phil to be responsible for it because it was dealing with his family and involved being a gift for his sister. He didn't like it but did go put the payment on it. We were able to get them through the club Sarah is in. However we had to get these vouchers until the tickets came in. Lately we been on pins and needles waiting for the tickets to come in. Well I get an email today saying the pick up date was yesterday. I call Phil and he didn't know anything about it said he got no email about it. So I give him a number to call that was not on the email hoping this lady could help us track the ticket bearers down. Then I go to his email he got the email about tickets not on the 25th like me but on the 23rd!!! OMG I lost it. It says on his it is the ONLY pick up date. Has a different lady's name. So I emailed who I could and am now waiting for responses. Gave him numbers and he is waiting. I sent them our numbers but have appointments today. Phil says see you should have dealt with it. OMG I am ready to fucking scream. We better get those tickets because one little girl is going to be balling her eyes out if she can't go it is all she has talked about. She was upset we weren't gonna get the vouvhers into tickets. I don't want to see her heart broken....
We got the tickets, Phil's my Hero:)
12:42pm Thursday, Jun 28
He was determined as hell to get our tickets despite that we missed the pick up date and trust me when Phil is determined you don't want to get in his way. He's my hero. The tickets are in our hot little hand. My kid is happy and all is well whoo hoo
So Confused
1:22pm Today
I can feel the emotions and I believe they are real, but once burned how do you go beyond that. Do you try to trust again? Scared and unsure. What do I do?
Thoughts I Need To Write...
6:31pm Today
Having running thoughts right now, so need to write...It's canada day and I am kinda moody. Confused. I am tired of feeling betrayed and lied to. Why do I always feel like the last one to know the truth about everything? Especially when it comes to the subject of men, and more so when it is men I care about? I used to break things, smash things. Really all that does is leave you feeling worse and empty. I was in a therapy group where I had to actually go through a session of how I acted when a guy got me to that place. They got out trash cans and dishes ect and I went through the clingy don't leave me crap and smashing and swearing at the placebo person. We spent the afternoon that day going through it. I don't think I ever felt so centered out and wanting to hide as much as I did that day. It was really hard to deal with. I ended up in a corner and just balling my eyes out. I don't think I have smashed anything since then or held on to anyone physically like that again. I mean where does it get you? I think I have ripped a few posters and letters but on the whole I try not to do anything physical. However I do have the issue still with physically hurting myself. However I do have the picking issue with is an OCD disorder and is made owrse by stress and upset and I have struggled with cutting but worked so hard on not cutting myself. No one has any idea how hard that is to deal with, but I do find breathing and counting and meds do help. I do know I get alot of griping at me about my meds and it really pisses me off. I don't like taking them, it's fricken a pain in the ass and sometimes I want to puke them out but I can so tell when I don't take them. I talk faster and people especially my grandmother and Phil get on me that I am agitating them by talking too fast and changing subjects too fast. Doug actually seemed to like me that way, thats why we get along so well. He flows with my moods and knows when I am agitated, when I am up, he is so tooned into me it's awesome, I love how he is like that! That has been a rarity in my life.Actually Jo-Anne seemed to be really good at sliding with my moods as teens. I think my teen years would have been dramatically different had I been diagnosed as bipolar at that time. It explains so very much. I was very jealous of friends. I was hyper sensitive. Very moody. Always tired. So much more. But it is hard to diagnose teens and alot of anti-depressants are not very good for teens it can actually make them worse.I see the dermatologist this week, and gonna go get that blood test and stomach test. My doctor believes my stomach is bleeding and so I am on these meds to help at least slow that down. I should be getting that scope soon as well.My hamstring is healing but I pulled it again yesterday-grr that fricken hurts.Went out with DJ on wednesday we had lunch at the Brass Duck, he had fish and chips and calamari. I had the Clubhouse. Then we went and watched Knocked up. Holy moses can we say swearing overload and female nudity galore AND alot of drug use, not your everyday movie.Then yesterday Phil and I went to Kelsey's can we say the food was REALLY BAD we sent it back. Got New York Fries at the movie theatre and watched 1408. Wow buildup to that was not as good as the actual movie itself. Not a movie I would watch a second time around! So I been feeling pretty good about having my kids around me but wish I was the everyday kind of mom. That is not something I can ever be. I am proud of the kids they are. Ya know Dj is doing so awesome in school and he is in Sask right now visiting Crystal and I gave him some money to spend there. Mary is falling behind in grades but wants to do better and she keeps herself clean with her friends. She is such a beautiful girl. Sarah is so awesome in soccer and strong willed. All my kids are strong willed. No one is ever gonna keep them quiet like wow, wish I could have been fighters like them, and opinionated like them, and refused to keep quiet like them. You won't ever see them keeping secrets and they fight omg they fight and are strong like hell. When I was younger I feared my dad and kept my mouth shut. I have never been a fighter. Of course I am a little different now. I tell all, I speak all, I won't hide anything and I will get in your face. I think it's because everyone seems to hate me anyway and I don't foresee a long lasting life so I might as well stand up and stand strong and say what I have to say and if you don't like it BITE ME!!!!So anyhow that is me fornow, had to get the thoughts out, hope everyone has a great Canada I believe we're 140yrs old, and we are the country that rocks whew hoo.....

Life...

Well Mary is coming home in less than 2 weeks. I am excited, but nervous. We bought the girls cell phones early bday presents from all of us. I just feel safer with them having them. I would like to see if I can get them engraved.I was out the other day and my back hurt so bad I mean so badly like never has it hurt this badly before. The pain was so bad that I passed out from the pain. Does osteoarthrtis really get this bad? two days of that kind of pain. Was so bad I couldn't even cry. I think I took a little more of my painkillers than I meant too because it hurt so bad. It's pointless to go to hospital because with chronic pain it's not really anything they can do. What bugs me is when I get put down for being in pain. Like any of us grows up to say yeah when I grow up I want to be disabled. I hate being on disability. I hate chronic pain. I hate that it kills me to try and carry a few groceries only 4 blocks home, that takes everything out of me. I'm 34yrs old I should be healthy and vibrant. I'm not. So being told no one else would want you if they really knew you kills me. Maybe they wouldn't but do you have to yell that at me and make me feel that much worse?Anyhow it turns out I have this hernia that is blocking my stomach and reflux which is why I am constantly puking. This is what is making eating a problem. So my surgeon wants to go in and have more of a look with the scope. I'm sure I will get the date for that pretty quick. Oh lucky me another scope. He wanted to give me pariet but that shit has done nothing to alleiviate the problem. So I said no. What is the point if it is doing nothing? More drugs I don't need. Yes me saying no to more drugs. As much as people think I like all these meds I don't. I am sick of all these freakin meds. One does get tired of swallowing pills day in and day out. I wish it could all be done with a shot once a month that would be great!I envy people who are healthy and happy and never in pain. Envy people who never have to know what depression/bipolar is like. I do have to say though seeing all my old friends on here. Having people remember me and know that people out there do care all because of facebook, that has done more than anyone realizes. Odd how something so little in life can make such a big difference to a life in reality!

Pain...

Watching the Movie "In God's Country"-Kelly Rowan, Richard Burgi, (2007)star in the tale of a woman's efforts to rescue her 16-year-old daughter from a polygamous community.(drama, 120mins)I am from the United Church so I do believe in being with only 1 man for myself. However I do not understand why if someone wants to be in a community where they all understand and share that they not be allowed to live that way. Who are we to say it is wrong? It just makes me so damn angry. I do not though understand them allowing the girls to marry so young. I am glad that in these days most people are older now when they marry. So anyhow I saw the dr. apparently I have sometype of hernia and also have some reflux. He also thinks I may have built up scar tissue that may have to be lasered away. So he is going to do a scope-oh the joy. At least this is getting things looked at and I know finally something is being seen. I feel alot more relieved now I saw specialist:)Not sure why but my back is hurting so damn bad I cannot even begin to to tell you had badly it hurts. I've had osteoarthrtis in my spine for years now but some days I feel like it is just breaking apart. I do not tolerate pain well.One thing I have had only last 2 days and have no idea why & not told dr yet is very very very dizzy and if I try to look at something it is hard to look at even like looking in the mirror everything is like on an angle. Messed up.... ...and no I don't do drugs!!!

Pain...

Watching the Movie



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So I finally got into the xray to have my Upper GI Tract tests done. NOT A FUCKIN FUN TIME! I hate swallowing that chalk. That doctor had me moving around so much I thought I was gonna puke like being on a rollercoaster. However did appear that I may have a blockage leading into my pouch, which would explain why I have been suffering when I try to swallow solids. It also appeared to me that there were some lumps that are not supposed to be there.It's funny when my dad was driving me there I was telling him how the doctor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. He was like "is there anything you don't have?" I was like "it is my mission in life to have an illness for each letter of the alphabet lol, just kiddin dad" I personally don't concur with that diagnoses, but whatever!So I see Dr.Amson on friday and he will probably order a scope and hopefully the CT scan the other doctor had recommended. Well While I was writing this my doctors office called. Surprise surprise they want to see me. That is the fastest I ever got a callback from them. Wow I am actually crying now. I don't want another surgery, I am so fricken tired of surgery. Phil is going out after work so pretty much here on my own to sit and stew on this. I guess it couldn't happen to a better person right? I mean I must have some huge ass bad Karma out there cause bad things just always seem to happen to me. Yes if I feel attacked I can be a huge assed vengeful bitch. If you attack me as a mother or go after the one I love God save your sorry soul because I have a bad habit of acting and saying things first and thinking later. I am not the best mom in the world. I started young and I made some huge assed mistakes but I love my babies. The ones I brought into this world and the ones I lost but never stop aching over losing.I am trying to be strong but I am angry at those who have been telling me this has all been in my head. Probably because I am bipolar-screw you. I know when something isn't right in my body!!!RIGHT NOW I AM SCARED I just want to know what this is and how we fight it!For now that is all I have energy for...

Guys Do It All The Time...

So this month has been just a sheer heartache for me. I feel like I have let go of anything tangible and have nothing to grab onto. Last night I couldn't sleep. I am exhausted and tired today. So tired that I want to cry and I can't. You know just over a week ago I found out Doug had lied to me about everything for 10 long years. Which really shouldn't matter because I have chosen to be with Phil and not Doug. So what's the dif everyone says? Regardless it still hurts like hell. I truly, deeply, madly loved and trusted Doug. He was someone I could tell anything to, so yeah it hurt regardless of the fact we were no longer together. He had just recently asked me to choose him over Phil. So lately I had been questioning myself "what if"Then in the last few days I find searches on Phils computer for porn and teen porn. I find a picture of a ladies naked breasts on his phone which he says he never knew was there. Then to top it all off the lady who has text messaged my phone before about Phil cheating on me once again texted me today and said he is still at it and has a kid on the way and won't leave her alone and wants him to leave her alone but won't and the sex sucked with him. This is the 3rd instance of her texting me. Everytime Phil says he has no idea why she is doing it. He doesn't cheat ect. I don't know what to believe. He yells at me when I ask about it and calls her a cunt and me a bitch for believing it. I don't know maybe she is just causing trouble. Maybe I should just believe it. I am so confused *tears*

Miss Universe, Miss USA, Inspiration to Children

Well wow I have never in all the years I have watched Miss Universe have never seen any of them slip and fall. Well Miss USA did just that tonight and wow I was just shocked. I couldn



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I Totally Support Rosie O'Donnell

Ya know I have loved Rosie from day one. By the looks of things alot of people have a hate on for her. Screw them. Why cause she's not some skinny little big breasted blonde? Get real. I think it's low that Donald Trump went onto Nancy Grace and totally slammed her. He may not like her but the way he slammed her was abusive and cruel. I wish I could reach out and give her a hug. If she did do some inappropriate things I know she did it from embarrassement and upset. Not an excuse but totally understandable. She is being dragged through the mudd for all the world to see. I really feel for her right now. I may feel for her more because I know how much I have been hurting by the crap I have had to deal with in parts of my life, the last few days and being told today to learn where my place is. I have always had friends. I am happy to see all the friends I have on facebook, I have a deep depression I deal with. Seeing everyone on facebook has made me realize even though I have slowly become somewhat of a shut in I really do have alot of people who I can reach out to, you all have no idea how much that means to me. I have always stuck by friends who do my fighting for me. I have raised kids who were like the friends I have always kept. I didn't want them growing up fearing other people, adult or kids. They are opinionated, strong minded and can't be told who or what they should be doing or hanging with. I am very prtoud of that. I am a stronger personality now but still suffer with depression. I always will I have bipolar. Wish I had known that in school, life probably would have been 100% better. I still take alot of crap from men not women though. Anyhow yeah Rosie is someone I totally adore.Another that no one basically agrees with who I support and adore is Roseanne Barr she rocks. I love her strength, her ability to laugh and not be afraid of anyone elses opinions. Anyhow I feel like crying so I am off for now, God bless you all, sweet dreams goodnight....

Too Mucvh info, insides overblown

Well anyone who has been a friend of mine in the past 10yrs or so knows about Doug. They know my whole world was wrapped up around him and his words were gospel to me. That my love for him was deeper than any love I thought I would ever have again. That he even has been an issue between Phil and I, that I have struggled with staying with Phil to go back to Doug. That Doug has said he would change if I went back to him and dumped Phil. But that I did choose Phil over Doug. Last night I found out all those years Doug was also with Kath. That he was not sleeping on the couch. That they were only ever really broken up for very short spurts. I learned a ton more but it's really not worth writing it all out. I mean just what I have written right now is enough. How does a guy get away with that for 10yrs? Now he is going to put someone else through it? How can he live with himself?I think Phil is happy just another thing to throw in my face to prove he is better than Doug. I hate how he uses shit like that to throw in my face. As for other things, Summer is getting closer I can't wait for it to finally get here. I picked up haircolor so I can finally get my hair done. Picked up some new summer clothes for Sarah. I picked up some sweet red dress shoes for myself. When Mary gets here I am finally gonna go buy myself all new pants mine are all too big. Mary is awesome for fashion sence and I am not so I am saving that for a girls day out thing. We got 2 new fish we named them twinkle and lady:)Anyhow I shall go for now, hope everyone is doing well, tatta:)

Friendships, Changes, & Medical...

Well I have been on an emotional high finding old friends. Being a military brat we moved so finding old friends means alot to me. Finding and sorting out family has been fun for me and my daughter as well. Facebook is an awesome site, I swear everyone is on there:)Looks like some changes are coming to my life, new beginnings and old endings, probably for the better, but will need emotional supports I think to get through them. Saw docotor today I am staying on pain meds 4 times a day and she ordered a breath test something to do with ulcers, more blood tests, more stool tests, an upper GI test and getting hold of doctor Amson to have him look me over and do more tests. I am getting so sick of all these fricken tests! Why can't they figure out what is going on...
Last week it was the Baldwins, this week David Hasellhoff drunk and eating a burger off the floor shot by his 16yr old daughter. Your not safe from the drama even if your a celebrity. What is going on with so many dad's and why are celebrity kids turning in this stufdf about their dads? That is harsh

Too Close To Home...

The article below the source is from The Province BC Canada
Teens with toy gun face charges after school locked down
By Matthew Ramsey, The ProvincePublished: Thursday, May 03, 2007
Chilliwack - Two teens who brought a toy gun to Chilliwack Middle School on Thursday afternoon have some serious explaining to do.A teacher at the school called police at 2:30 to report seeing the two young people with what appeared to be a handgun.That call prompted a massive police response which included dogs and an RCMP helicopter. Police locked the school down and searched it until they found and arrested the duo without incident. The two were in custody Thursday afternoon and will be charged. It was not clear whether they are students at the school.The police treat these matters very seriously," said Const. Bert Paquet. "Bringing these items to school is not a smart move. Paquet said said staff and students were not at risk.mramsey@png.canwest.com
This scared me. I felt scared and helpless as I couldn't do anything but pray my daughter was and would be ok. My middle daughter lives in Chilliwack and goes to the middle school. They already had a threat of guns on the 25th of April and she stayed home that day. Being in Victoria a ferry ride away all I can do is wait and listen for more news. I am relieved that they were toy guns and I hope those two kids suffer imeasurably, what the hell were they fricken thinking? Thankyou God for watching over my kids. Funny my youngest said her sister would be ok cause she has a connection with her sister and if something was wrong she would feel it. Is that not the sweetest thing? I love when my kids talk like that about one another, cause me and my siblings did not get along growing up. I still can't get along with my drama spoiled princess sister. My brother we have had our moments but we always get over our anger. He's one of the strongest people I know!

I Hate The Darkness...

Ok firstly yes I am bipolar, yes I am on meds, obviously I need to go back in and once again have them adjusted cause I am shutting down. I am just so tired of having to go back in and see a fuckin psychiatrist. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Ask Phil he'll tell you you only have to see one if your psychologically fucked up and stupid :'( As for the pain I have been having buscopan seems to be helping with that but makes me even more tired than I already am. The xrays as I said showed that my bowels on the right side are very backed up and I may have irritable bowel syndrome which my mom and possible middle daughter has :'( Today was my ultrasound once again they found something. I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and today they found on my ovaries my eggs apparently are not flushing out but attaching to my ovaries which somehow grow? Make like sores and a couple are about half the size of my ovaries. My guess is the dr may choose to now take out my ovaries and that is upsetting cause all I need is menopause added to my already emotioal being. I really thought my ovaries would be fine and dandy. I now apparently will also be having a CT scan just to make sure nothing else is going on. I feel like my brother is right I am gonna end up in the hospital hooked up to machines barely living. I am barely living now. I barely get out of bed right now. I am exhausted and emotional and hurting. I am tired of being yelled at and now Doug well he just put the last knife in my heart.
I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can't even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he's always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can't, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn't seem to be. we're both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn't consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend.
Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn't get here today.
I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn't like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil's friends and he has tons.
I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn't feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That's home, that's where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don't know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :'( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don't want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn't work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down....

Life Is Hell, Why Live It?

I had xrays done, blood work and urine samples oh how fun. Turns out my stools on the right side are hugely backed up but all clear on the left side. So she wasn't sure but thinks I could have irritable bowel syndrome, oh lucky me. But we still have to see with ultra sound and ct scan. They shot me up with toridal and gave me a high dose of ativan and sent me home with a prescription for buscopan and we shall see how that all works out for now. So that's the story for now...

I hate having emotions. I am hurting and scared and angry more than I am my old bubbly happy social self. I hate this darkness and I want to stop feeling. I just want the world to go away, how do I make that happen? I am tired of the darkness and spontaneous tears. It takes all I have just to sit up in bed right now...
Everyone seems to find a reason for getting up everyday, how do you do that? I seem to have lost my way. Phil told me today apparently most of his family dislikes me or hates me now partially because of that video I uploaded online. I wish I could apologize but I'm not sorry. I am so tired of feeling like no one understands what I go through and even with the video still it got turned around, this is why I hate life. I hate everything. I wish to cease to exist. Obviously I am unworthy in life and in love. *tears* I guess I deserve afterall to be yelled at and called down so here I am world kick me till I am dead...

My Thoughts on Virginia Tech/ Politics of Plenty Of Fish & Angus

No I have not gone to hospital yet, so yes still very sick. More if I get up. I feel not so bad if laying still. I don't want to go through a million tests:( AnyhowI want to say God bless the families and friends of those who lost angels who made their way to heaven this week when Cho shot up Virginia tech on monday. However I do have opinions that are not so popular with anyone. I have sat and watched a million memorials and they most made me cry. I think what the one teacher did should never be forgotten he was brave. The memorials I like best though are the one who included Cho, because yes I believe he too is a victim. A victim of so much and being victimized even more now. His family I can only imagine the pain they are going through listening to how everyone talks of their son. I am angry about how the media has tried to report on things they do not know but think they know and not just on what they know. Trying to make speculations. Also about making such a huge ordeal about the mental illness. Hello I am mentally ill does not mean I am gonna kill a school of people. In fact I am more a danger to myself then to others. I have a sharp tongue but that's all. I feel so bad for Cho also seen him named as Daniel. If you look at his video he looks tired, he looks sad, like he really didn't want to do this. I really do feel something or someone pushed him over that edge. Someone out there knows why this went this far and I hope your sorry ass hurts for what has happened. I have cried for Cho as much as I have cried for the victims. I do have to say though, hands down Virginia Tech has handeled this situation better than anything else I have ever seen. They are not acting like this is all they are. They have been strong and joined as one. Their community spirit is one that if the world could be like them would be a much better place. We could be a better world if we took a lesson from the people who were at the forfront of this situation. God bless you and your families. You are so strong and I adore your strength, I wish I had what you had, I wish we all did. God bless you!
Now my other issue right now is Plenty of fish not sure how all the other cities run on that site but Victoria seems to have alot of politics running on it. It is sad and disgusting. I am only on it just for kicks. Doug is on it and I think he is only on there to see how many more women he can piss off and hurt. He gets hurt by alot of women himself. So he has this thing with going to the gym so women will see him get built and be a god. I think he's fricken crazy it's making him sick not a god. He has become Mr.Popularity on there. Anyhow he makes one person feel like she is everything meanwhile he is telling someone else he is with her. So he has this "drunk" guys name Angus as his excuse for being an ass. I think it is crap because now quite a few people have been hurt and lied to. I agree I am one of them that has been lied to. I lost my glass slipper, told one thing when really the story was something else. I guess I should have known better. I mean Phil does the same thing all the time:( So now Angus is on this kick to break hearts all over POF and that works for him how? You would think one would learn a scorpio will always sting a scorpio especially if they feel your not giving them what they want, revenge is sweet I suppose :'( I am just not getting why I had to be hurt in the process...
As for the copycats since virginia tech, their out there. Look at the domestic shooting at Nasa yesterday and my middle daughter her school has had threats apparently of a shooting on the 25th. I mean that is so ridiculous and california had that one guy threatening to make VT look mild. He turned himself in. My heart goes out to the columbine families in their anniversaries.
Oh I did write down Dr.Demian Yakel who worked on alot of the VT patients in hospital damn he was a good looking doctor huh?The convocation for virginia tech was beautiful and I watched the whole thing. Strong people and very well spoken and done. Also watched the candle memorial and cried when they sang we all need somebody to lean on.
I do want to say yeah for the law passed in the USA this week for further ahead fetusus no longer able to be aborted-yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely yes I agree.
I do want to say 2 Dr.Phil Shows got my attention-Anna Hogan needs to go to fricken hell leave Anna Nicole alone I think she is such a bitch putting out the book Train Wreck-life and death of Anna Nicole Smith she just wants money. grrr bitch
I also wanted to say the family who came on the show Wrongful punishment April 18/2007 the first family on with teen boys totally felt for them and have had that kinda stuff in my house. I was really into that show, thanks for sharing your story...

Dying???

getting sicker everyday. Weaker and fainter everyday. Feels like something is draining inside me everyday in a way I can't describe it's kinda like a cold stinging wierd sensation in my abdomen that kinda penetrates into my back. I get hungry but I eat and I want to hurl it all back up within minutes. Still feeling hot all the time. Doctors kept asking about diahrea had non well hope their happy that finally began today, pills to stop it aren't working :'(. So weak, so shakey, so feverish and headachy. God make this end... Gravol doesn't help the nausea, T1's don't stop the pain or headaches. Just want it to end... would love to be your internet friend.Please check out my profile and photos at:http://www.friendsearch.com/my.profile/LadyIllusions/Love,LadyIllusions

It IS That Bad

Well it is a kidney infection, which sucks but at least I can deal with at home. Kinda odd though because I feel like everyday I am getting weaker and weaker. In fact yesterday I fainted in the bathroom and woke up an hour and 20mins later to the phone ringing. Which sucked cause I had been called by the school to go pick up my kid. When I came to i GOT My brother to go get her. I hate fainting. I actually have a fear of fainting. Seriously I do, not sure why but it scares me the thought of fainting :(
I went out saturday night with Sherri. We didn't stay out too late I was so not well enough to be out. Doug was out too, he was sitting at a table with a couple girls. His friend Laurie well after listening to her I had enough and that's when we left. Some people need a fricken life!!!
Yesterday Phil was holy crappy mood it was like he had saved up a bagful of the nasties and unleashed on me. I was just too faint to fight back. Then this morning some chick text messaged me about Phil. Remember a couple months back some chick did that and he told me she was lying well here is some more, not all of it is here cause I think a couple were deleted by Phil, but here they are oh and Phil says they aren't true it's someone trying to raise bull between us. I don't know what to believe. "plus one day I babysat the kids. So they could go out his clothes didn't look neat like they did b4 they left hmmm i wonder what they were doing. ask erica. troublem makin piece of shit.the more than once like last weekThey were gone for a good long while, goodbye just telling you what a slimeball ur not with is like I have been there sometimes when he called he can't deny he wants 2b with a real woman who can have kids ask.
She's ur friend 2 special needs ask him y 3 of Chris's kids r blond she's not goodbye Im done just had to inform ya that he is still ca" She also said something about him doing a strip tease for them. Phil was fit to be tied. OMG he yelled so harshly when I asked him about it.
God I wish I was feeling better. I feel so nauseated and weak, I actually am shaking. I hate being sick! I just don't have the energy to deal with this right now.
God I am so selfish there are tons of families mourning right now.33 people dead and many more injured from the shooting at Virginia Tech yesterday. Cho Seung-hui went a shooting rampage and in the end killed himself. They had a convocation this afternoon and will have a candlelight vigil tonight. My best wishes and blessings go out to the families and friends dealing with this tragedy at this time. I have to say I am very impressed with the community there and how wonderful everyone is at Virginia Tech. I don't think I have ever seen so much wrmth and love and togetherness as I have seen in this community. God Bless you all *hugs*
I do question how this man was able to kill so many people before police got involved. Where were the police? How did he get so far? I don't get it!!!

Doctors Appointment

I saw the doctor the day before yesterday and then yesterday again. The doctor thought I might have appendicitis and a kidney infection on the right side. So I had a blood test it did not show positive for appendicitis. But called me back in for more tests. This doctor thought still I might have appendicitis also won ders if I might have gallstones in my liver or a liver infection or and kidney infection and also wondered about a bowel blockage. So I went back in for another blood test today and am waiting for tests to come back AGAIN. My temperature is all over the place but am super faint and tired and still not real hungry but am thirsty drinking alot of tomatoe juice and water.
Phil is frustrated with me I guess cause seems like everything I do and don't do is pissing him off he has been yelling at me non stop. I feel like I can't do anything right by him :"(
Doug has been pretty supportive, he has called to check in on me and asked me to call and let him know how things go with tests ect. I am actually surprised by that because normally he hasn't really been there for me when it comes to shit like that. When it comes to the real things in life Doug has never really been there. It's hard to explain the friendship he and I have I am often confused by it. Not really sure where I have fit in his world, never have been sure. Sometimes I think what Phil says about how Doug feels about me is true and that hurts ALOT!
Sherri has been pretty supportive too. She checks in on me time to time. She is trying to get me out and get my life moving again. She might be moving to New Brunswick this summer which is sad for me but I understand it completely. She will be moving there to be next to her daughter. Mary told me I deserve it because then I know how it is to be seperated from my friends. I told her to grow up. I was seperated from my friends my whole life I was a base brat. Sherri and I spent most of our friendship apart writing letters and calling long distance. But I guess Mary can't see that. She is just angry being with her dad away from her friends here right now :'(
I see Anna Nicoles mom is supposed to be having rights to the baby what the hell is that about? Whatever. I think Anna is rolling in her grave. But whatever...
I want to quickly say I think things have gone to far with IMUS , NBC has now fired him? WTF? It's not like he goes off on racial issues all the time. The fact he said nappy headed ho's one time and laughed once and now it's gone this big is ridiculous. I feel so bad for the man. Girls come on he apologized don't let this be his career killer that is horrible. Worse has been done, way worse :(
Anyhow, not sure what tests will say but am sick of being sick and in pain, but I guess I deserve it...

Nonstop Tears

So surprise surprise I am not feeling well today. Once again have the shakes and am hurting all over. I feel like everything is dying from the inside out. Last few days I can't seem to stop from breaking down into spontaneous tears. It has been my experience in the past that sometimes when I cry feeling the way I do now someone has had tradgedy. Like I cried like this for 2 days before Tara died and cried like this a day or two before Alden died. It hasn't always been the case but it always worries me that some horrible thing could be coming this way. I pray it is wrong, that I Am just an idiot who can't contain my stupid emotions.
Last few days I haven't even hardly been able to get out of bed. I don't want to eat, my chin is more itchy by the day and my insides hurt like hell. It has gotten bad enough that I have called the doctor and I have an appointment for tomorrow. I am going to get them to do a full blood work up and see if there isn't something that could be running deeper than any of us realize.
Ya know I have said alot of the crap that I hate Phil does like his persistant yelling and put downs. But I do have to say through all my sickness and depression he has put up with alot. He tries to keep thi He helps me out with Sarah when I just don't have the energy to deal with her. And in the last couple months when I have been really weak he has even cooked when I couldn't. Including bring me soup and crackers and gingerale to me in bed. Now if he did all that without putting me down for being sick and making me feel somehow less than everyone else and worthless. If he did it without yelling at me about everything he would be my hero, he truly would, because I cherish how much those moments mean to me. But it feels like there is an emotional pricetag that comes with it and that cost is high :'(
Oh he went and got my bracelet exchanged that he bought me for easter. It a fragile gold bracelet with a tiny heart cut out of it. Too fragile to have my name engraved on it:( It's a beautiful little bracelet I love it. I will have to get a bigger stronger one one day though cause I want one with my name on it. They said this one is too thin it would break :'(
I was thinking today about my kids. This weekend when something was said to DJ and he told me. I immedietly wanted to come to his defense but he asked me not to. They knew I would have completely lost it. It took all I had to respect his wishes because he was so upset he couldn't eat and he had been saying all night he was so hungry. When I was in school I was never really the popular kid. I was known and I had big friends but it was my siblings and friends or BF's who stood up for me. I usually stood behind them. IU have raised my kids to stand up to people and don't back down. I am very rpoud of them for their strong personalities and 2 out of the 3 generally won't back down. I am the parent who is very protective and I am loud and out there if you attack someone I love or my kids. DJ is a special case I am even more strongly opinionated with him because I don't feel as if I have given him enough of my protection in life and I owe him that back! Teachers generally know me well. Other parents get to know me especially if you try to attack my kids. Don't cross me!!! Phil and I have had some huge arguments over how strongly I come onto people when it involves my kids. My brother not so much argued with me but we've had some strong conversation cause he says I am making up for the teachers and people who did me wrong as a kid. I told him I will give him that but that won't change the way I feel. Teachers have a job to do and some take advantage of their authority!!!
My fricken rings are all sliding off, I don't get how much more weight I can loose from my damn fingers. Grrrrr!
Oh I am so glad finally the DNA is back from Dr. Michael Baird PH.D and 99.9999% Larry Birkhead IS the father of Anna Nicole's Baby girl Dannielynn. Howard Stern's speech brought me to tears. I think he was wonderful about it. Just you 2 PLEASE KEEP VERGIE AWAY FROM HER!!!!
K I am off got a roast cooking:)