60mins show has me wondering what is ur side on this pill?
11:11pm Monday, Jun 18
On 60 minutes The Memory Pill produced by Shari Finkelstein has me wondering what your morals have you saying about the debate in this new pill some people want to put on the market. My side is yes yes yes.I would take it I would so take it if it would end my PTSD. I would so let my kids take it. It is short term it is such a great break in medical tests I just think more tests need to be allowed to happen. This pill needs a chance in this world today.The pill is called PROCLANILOL I may have spelt it wrong but pretty sure it's spelt right. How it is explained is that this tests has showed that it can stop memories from forming into long term traumatic events. Apparently it has been shown in tests in rats that adreniline rushes to our forefronts and is what makes our memories because stronger and more active when a traumatic event happens. When the rats were shot with this med it stopped the adreniline and the memories were cut off. In human tests short term tests showed they worked as well. Later they did tests on some people who have had long term Post traumatic stress disorder and in at least one case her memories were no longer traumatic and destroying her life like they were before. This was not just with the medication but with suggestions and a movie ect. You really should watch the documentary to get the whole gist of it. However when they wanted to do long term tests apparently the FDA pulled it and said no.Some people say memories are what make us who we are. That this drug could become abused and overused. If a guy has a bad date and makes an ass of himself well hell I will just take a pill. Or a girl dumps you and it hurts real bad just take a pill. This is the other side of the fight keeping the drug from being used. I say this happens with many medications in today that are used. This is always a possibilty this is the caution of doctors. It does not erase the memory, you still have it, just not the pain that comes with it. You can go on and leave a productive happier life than you may have before use with this medication. So what's your view. Curiousity lets me ask you the question yes or no and why?
Being A Black Sheep & Other Thoughts...
6:43pm Saturday, Jun 23
I have not being well lately so not been blogging. Anything I have written is on here, but no worries, I will copy and past to my other journals all these past entries when I am back to par if that ever happens; and when my dad brings me finally a new computer. I just wanted to mention how right now I am thinking about how other people deal with being a black sheep #1- in their plutonic family, #2- external family, and #3- people in life. Growing up I always felt of the 3 kids my brother and I were both black sheep. However I felt darker than he for I was always blamed for him being a dark sheep. Somehow how he was a reflection of me as an older sibling, not a reflection of my parents. I still hold that pain with me today and can't let it go. However my siblings seem to have easily let go of the pains and darkness in our childhoods. Now we are all adults and somehow as one sibling now is a workaholic and lifes will is all about money and the other has suffered pains no one should go through now makes them both pure sheep and I a disappointment to them and to the world. I guess in someways I am a disappointment to myself. No one grows up wishing for disabilities and mental disorders. Those make me somewhat less. However I am extremely outspoken. I do not belief my lifespan will be very long. I believe I have suffered more than one should. I kept strong friends because I wasn't. Somehow over time I learned to speak my mind. I learned to stop being quiet cause I had had enough of hiding behind my friends. If you have dirty laundry too damn bad, maybe you should have thought about those actions before you took them. When did it become okay for anyone to tell anyone they needed to learn their place? When did it become okay for anyone to scream in someones face? Did it suddenly become okay to hide the fact that you feel afraid sometimes when your being yelled at? The whole fricken world knows I am so not a puritan. I was a teen mom. I have always been jealous, and an emotional wreak. Those close to me know I HATE CLEANING! I have no issue with admitting I like to be lazy, thing is maybe that caught up with me, because now I have osteoarthritis in my spine, now it hurts to lift, it hurts to be overly physical, it hurts to go out for hours, it hurts to hike. I love to hike, I love to camp. When I was young I swam, was in the jogging club, jazz dancing, I walked all the damn time till in my 20's when I was so overweight I couldn't. Which I did something about. Ya know? I don't know why I am the way I am but I am. I hate being so sick. Who gets this sick? It's ridiculous and I always laugh and say the devil doesn't want me and neither does God, so I am just gonna suffer with every medical disorder. Lucky me!!!I won't hide things I know, I won't shut up. Threaten me go right ahead I will still write about it. I will also write your threat. I am done with people thinking they can walk on me. Nope journals are awesome, it helps me think to myself, it helps me talk and get answers I can't maybe sometimes come up with on my own. If you think that makes me evil screw you! Secrets are something I grew up with. I try very hard to have my kids not do the same. Because no one needs that in their life! Secrets are bad, they make you sick and they will hurt you! They say my sign is the sign of sex and death. I used to be someone who was hugely sexual being sick pretty much has killed that part of me for the moment but death, I think about it alot. I never thought being sick like this was going to come to my adult life. Not with how active I was when younger:( Oh and as for me being spiteful. When I was with Michael when he hit I used to break his stuff, throw dishes, glasses ect. We were both so out of control. Calling nonstop, walking for hours to get to his place. I think now looking back we both were bad to one another. Doug, I was more spiteful with him in the way of putting up a website about him, leaving ,essages galore. He actually taught me how to relax my ass. Even told me himself that me over everyone had changed more than anyone he knew hands down. I no longer yelled or anything, between him and my youngest I went to the other side. Silence. When I can't keep it together anymore. I shut right down. I journal shit you say? I journal what I feel and how I experienced an experience, but people need to realize that it is how I FELT about it. The other side can see it differently and I have always said that. Anyhow whatever, maybe...
(Dermatillomania/CSP), OCD, Self Mutilation, and Skin Picking
7:00pm Sunday, Jun 24
My OCD tendencies lately seem to be at an all time high. I hate it. I wish people could have it for a day and understand what it is like to do something and even when made contious of it can't stop it. I have done skin picking for all my life. I have also done alot of self mutilation, but have through therapy gotten better with at least the cutting issues. They say OCD is also related to Terrets syndrome. I do it more when I am feeling, stressed, out of control, hurt ect. I also have an aversion to using certain utensils and dishes but can't explain why, I just can't use them it makes me want to throw up. I also save EVERYTHING! I have had so many fights with my mom, and guys in my life over saving everything and them throwing shit out. I get panicked that if I throw something out I will end up needing it or wanting it and then what? When everything is neat too I struggle more to find things, makes no sense to anyone else but it does to me. It's a daily struggle.My mom, my neice and I all have the skin picking issue. My kids have all done it but seem to have learned how to control it. One is a little less controlled than the other two and I think will always have that tendency now. My therapist had put me on celexa which I still take hoping it would calm my OCD down but it hasn't. I have not yet heard of a drug that can cure OCD. That would be so great if there were cause I hate it. I hate if I don't do it I panic, I feel sick, I feel shaky. It is a soother for me. Can't explain it, don't really understand it myself but it really does feel lonely. I think more studies and tests need to be done with people who have OCD. I would easily participate in a study, if it would stop it altogether. It would be such a freedom. Anyhow that is my rant for today. As you might well guess from reading this I am more violent to myself than to others. I am mouthy and bitchy to others, but when it comes down to physical altercations I would rather do it to myself!!! So there ya go!http://www.trich.org/AllJoinHands/HowToHandsDownAThon.htmhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickaderms http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickers/http://grossbart.com/picking.htmlhttp://www.psyke.org/http://facepick.tripod.com/ www.ocfoundation.org
Pissed & Frustrated With Getting FIFA U20 Tickets...
11:43am Wednesday, Jun 27
So Sarah and Phil's sister were bought tickets to go to see the FIFA U20 soccer games here in Victoria. I wanted Phil to be responsible for it because it was dealing with his family and involved being a gift for his sister. He didn't like it but did go put the payment on it. We were able to get them through the club Sarah is in. However we had to get these vouchers until the tickets came in. Lately we been on pins and needles waiting for the tickets to come in. Well I get an email today saying the pick up date was yesterday. I call Phil and he didn't know anything about it said he got no email about it. So I give him a number to call that was not on the email hoping this lady could help us track the ticket bearers down. Then I go to his email he got the email about tickets not on the 25th like me but on the 23rd!!! OMG I lost it. It says on his it is the ONLY pick up date. Has a different lady's name. So I emailed who I could and am now waiting for responses. Gave him numbers and he is waiting. I sent them our numbers but have appointments today. Phil says see you should have dealt with it. OMG I am ready to fucking scream. We better get those tickets because one little girl is going to be balling her eyes out if she can't go it is all she has talked about. She was upset we weren't gonna get the vouvhers into tickets. I don't want to see her heart broken....
We got the tickets, Phil's my Hero:)
12:42pm Thursday, Jun 28
He was determined as hell to get our tickets despite that we missed the pick up date and trust me when Phil is determined you don't want to get in his way. He's my hero. The tickets are in our hot little hand. My kid is happy and all is well whoo hoo
So Confused
1:22pm Today
I can feel the emotions and I believe they are real, but once burned how do you go beyond that. Do you try to trust again? Scared and unsure. What do I do?
Thoughts I Need To Write...
6:31pm Today
Having running thoughts right now, so need to write...It's canada day and I am kinda moody. Confused. I am tired of feeling betrayed and lied to. Why do I always feel like the last one to know the truth about everything? Especially when it comes to the subject of men, and more so when it is men I care about? I used to break things, smash things. Really all that does is leave you feeling worse and empty. I was in a therapy group where I had to actually go through a session of how I acted when a guy got me to that place. They got out trash cans and dishes ect and I went through the clingy don't leave me crap and smashing and swearing at the placebo person. We spent the afternoon that day going through it. I don't think I ever felt so centered out and wanting to hide as much as I did that day. It was really hard to deal with. I ended up in a corner and just balling my eyes out. I don't think I have smashed anything since then or held on to anyone physically like that again. I mean where does it get you? I think I have ripped a few posters and letters but on the whole I try not to do anything physical. However I do have the issue still with physically hurting myself. However I do have the picking issue with is an OCD disorder and is made owrse by stress and upset and I have struggled with cutting but worked so hard on not cutting myself. No one has any idea how hard that is to deal with, but I do find breathing and counting and meds do help. I do know I get alot of griping at me about my meds and it really pisses me off. I don't like taking them, it's fricken a pain in the ass and sometimes I want to puke them out but I can so tell when I don't take them. I talk faster and people especially my grandmother and Phil get on me that I am agitating them by talking too fast and changing subjects too fast. Doug actually seemed to like me that way, thats why we get along so well. He flows with my moods and knows when I am agitated, when I am up, he is so tooned into me it's awesome, I love how he is like that! That has been a rarity in my life.Actually Jo-Anne seemed to be really good at sliding with my moods as teens. I think my teen years would have been dramatically different had I been diagnosed as bipolar at that time. It explains so very much. I was very jealous of friends. I was hyper sensitive. Very moody. Always tired. So much more. But it is hard to diagnose teens and alot of anti-depressants are not very good for teens it can actually make them worse.I see the dermatologist this week, and gonna go get that blood test and stomach test. My doctor believes my stomach is bleeding and so I am on these meds to help at least slow that down. I should be getting that scope soon as well.My hamstring is healing but I pulled it again yesterday-grr that fricken hurts.Went out with DJ on wednesday we had lunch at the Brass Duck, he had fish and chips and calamari. I had the Clubhouse. Then we went and watched Knocked up. Holy moses can we say swearing overload and female nudity galore AND alot of drug use, not your everyday movie.Then yesterday Phil and I went to Kelsey's can we say the food was REALLY BAD we sent it back. Got New York Fries at the movie theatre and watched 1408. Wow buildup to that was not as good as the actual movie itself. Not a movie I would watch a second time around! So I been feeling pretty good about having my kids around me but wish I was the everyday kind of mom. That is not something I can ever be. I am proud of the kids they are. Ya know Dj is doing so awesome in school and he is in Sask right now visiting Crystal and I gave him some money to spend there. Mary is falling behind in grades but wants to do better and she keeps herself clean with her friends. She is such a beautiful girl. Sarah is so awesome in soccer and strong willed. All my kids are strong willed. No one is ever gonna keep them quiet like wow, wish I could have been fighters like them, and opinionated like them, and refused to keep quiet like them. You won't ever see them keeping secrets and they fight omg they fight and are strong like hell. When I was younger I feared my dad and kept my mouth shut. I have never been a fighter. Of course I am a little different now. I tell all, I speak all, I won't hide anything and I will get in your face. I think it's because everyone seems to hate me anyway and I don't foresee a long lasting life so I might as well stand up and stand strong and say what I have to say and if you don't like it BITE ME!!!!So anyhow that is me fornow, had to get the thoughts out, hope everyone has a great Canada I believe we're 140yrs old, and we are the country that rocks whew hoo.....
Showing posts with label Teens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Teens. Show all posts
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Friday, May 04, 2007
Too Close To Home...
The article below the source is from The Province BC Canada
Teens with toy gun face charges after school locked down
By Matthew Ramsey, The ProvincePublished: Thursday, May 03, 2007
Chilliwack - Two teens who brought a toy gun to Chilliwack Middle School on Thursday afternoon have some serious explaining to do.A teacher at the school called police at 2:30 to report seeing the two young people with what appeared to be a handgun.That call prompted a massive police response which included dogs and an RCMP helicopter. Police locked the school down and searched it until they found and arrested the duo without incident. The two were in custody Thursday afternoon and will be charged. It was not clear whether they are students at the school.The police treat these matters very seriously," said Const. Bert Paquet. "Bringing these items to school is not a smart move. Paquet said said staff and students were not at risk.mramsey@png.canwest.com
This scared me. I felt scared and helpless as I couldn't do anything but pray my daughter was and would be ok. My middle daughter lives in Chilliwack and goes to the middle school. They already had a threat of guns on the 25th of April and she stayed home that day. Being in Victoria a ferry ride away all I can do is wait and listen for more news. I am relieved that they were toy guns and I hope those two kids suffer imeasurably, what the hell were they fricken thinking? Thankyou God for watching over my kids. Funny my youngest said her sister would be ok cause she has a connection with her sister and if something was wrong she would feel it. Is that not the sweetest thing? I love when my kids talk like that about one another, cause me and my siblings did not get along growing up. I still can't get along with my drama spoiled princess sister. My brother we have had our moments but we always get over our anger. He's one of the strongest people I know!
Teens with toy gun face charges after school locked down
By Matthew Ramsey, The ProvincePublished: Thursday, May 03, 2007
Chilliwack - Two teens who brought a toy gun to Chilliwack Middle School on Thursday afternoon have some serious explaining to do.A teacher at the school called police at 2:30 to report seeing the two young people with what appeared to be a handgun.That call prompted a massive police response which included dogs and an RCMP helicopter. Police locked the school down and searched it until they found and arrested the duo without incident. The two were in custody Thursday afternoon and will be charged. It was not clear whether they are students at the school.The police treat these matters very seriously," said Const. Bert Paquet. "Bringing these items to school is not a smart move. Paquet said said staff and students were not at risk.mramsey@png.canwest.com
This scared me. I felt scared and helpless as I couldn't do anything but pray my daughter was and would be ok. My middle daughter lives in Chilliwack and goes to the middle school. They already had a threat of guns on the 25th of April and she stayed home that day. Being in Victoria a ferry ride away all I can do is wait and listen for more news. I am relieved that they were toy guns and I hope those two kids suffer imeasurably, what the hell were they fricken thinking? Thankyou God for watching over my kids. Funny my youngest said her sister would be ok cause she has a connection with her sister and if something was wrong she would feel it. Is that not the sweetest thing? I love when my kids talk like that about one another, cause me and my siblings did not get along growing up. I still can't get along with my drama spoiled princess sister. My brother we have had our moments but we always get over our anger. He's one of the strongest people I know!
Monday, March 05, 2007
Trying To Be Alive...
So yesterday I made cajun chicken, stuffing, potatoes and corn. Cleaned up my basement floor again. Folded up the blankets and put a load of laundry in the wash. I also had some fun with Sarah last night on FLIXTER. Seriously you can have some fun on that site doing the trivia with your kids as there is alot of kids movie trivia, teen movie trivia extra. We spent about an hour playing. You gotta check out the site and join here is my invite url: http://www.flixster.com/servlet/invite/6773521jiaABCm Today I made pork chops, potatoes, and corn and I picked up some pecan gooey buns for dessert. My brother was a bad boy he ate one before dinner. I cleaned up a big part of my bedroom and cleaned the inside of one of my shelving units in the livingroom. Called the school and got some forms for sports for next year. Also did some emailing with someone who is interested in starting a cheer group here in Victoria which would be awesome. I contacted her first as she does cheer in ontario.Also contacted a family member in ontario about family reunion next summer trying to organize that as I talked to my friend Barb/Phoenix and I have decided to go to visit her in New York next year. OMG I am so excited. I would like to try and see her for at least a week this year as well. I apparently need to get my passport done and then get some funds together and see if I can get s cheap flight there. Damn I wish I had more access to money:( I wish I could go now. I so badly just want to go away :'( I am so glad she is as excited about me coming out though as me wanting to come out. OMG she is so much fun to be around. BARB I MISS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU *jumps up and down* anyone wanna help me get out there? Man I would love ya forever seriously. I hate being poor :'(Oh man did ya see CSI NY with Criss Angel playing a Bad Magician that was so cool he did an awesome job. What I wouldn't do to see that man perform. He really is a wonderful illusionist. I talked to DJ for quite awhile today he made my mom cry yesterday. He really has turned a cold shoulder when it comes to my family. Even his friends apparently have commented on his harshness. Sometimes I really do contemplate on so many of the decisions I have made in my life. I also think about the things I want to say to Bryan about his son. He knows what he did but it was yrs ago, he was 17 hormoes make you do stupid things and I don't hate him for the past. It hurts it scarred me but DJ is a beautiful man and despite how he came into this world he is a part of Bryan and he looks like Bryan I see it and sometimes it's like looking right into Bryans eyes. I just feel like peace will never come until he faces his son at least for me. It's fun I can still remember every single moment and to this day almost puke and burst into tears if I can't escape hearing the song "we didn't start the fire" That song haunts me. I bet he doesn't even remember it. Anyhow I think alot about Bryan this time of year only because it's the turning of age for DJ. I've been told Bryan recently got married and his parents sold the restaurant and retired. I see they still live in the same house though as they always did. A beautiful house by the water. I still remember that place clearly as well:)Hmm got a movie on TV Looks good "Love Thy Neighbour" 2005 Alexandra Paul, Gary Hudson (Mystery, Suspense).The Show Cold Case last night where Lilly investigated a young mom being murdered after having her baby girl in an unwed home had me just crying my eyes out. I don't believe the girl who murdered her ended up being charged though but it wasn't very clear but if she was it would have been PTSD she didn't really know what she was doing. That was why I was crying. Those kinds of shows really get to me. Specially when they are so well acted out. I love that show :)Below are other sites I am on but they are up to you to join *hugs*http://ladyillusions.blogspot.comhttp://clearblogs.com/ladyillusions/http://www.buddy9.com/?49095 You can earn money just by having friends here cool place to check outhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816 One of the most popular sites on the net and even talked about big time on many TV shows and commercials. http://tagged.com/ladyillusions Tagged a site everyone seems to be on, I see alot of family has been joining, Phil and I are both on herehttp://www.obesityhelp.com/member/ladyillusions/ My weightloss surgery site ObesityHelp.com a site for people who have had or are considering weightloss surgeryhttp://www.i89.us/viewuser.php?uname=LadyIllusions A place where I can post my favorite link, I update this periodicallyhttp://www.frappr.com/ladyillusions Frappr a very cool site, lots of cool groups and maps and pictures, a huge amount of us are on this sitehttp://ladyillusions.multiply.com/ Multiply a very fastly growing site and quite a few of us are on it, tons of groups, pics ecthttp://ladyillusions.hi5.com Hi5 Another very popular site with videos, pics, blogs, groups ecthttp://360.yahoo.com/profile-9m_YOaA0baM_P7pVVe27Y_QSrgpu Yahoo 360http://ladyillusions.toadfire.com Toadfire.com a canadian site blog, very actively answeredhttp://yourladyillusions.spaces.live.com MSN Spacehttp://www.friendster.com/91253 Friendsterhttp://LadyIllusions.bebo.com/ Bebo A nice little site with quite a few things being added quite a bit and lastlyhttp://ladyillusions.livejournal.com/ Livejournal my friends and I have been on this site for years:)K I am Off:) the text quoted here automatically.
Monday, February 12, 2007
LOST:myself known as Angela aka:LadyIllusions
If found please return as personality is dearly missed. You will know her by her bubbly, very outgoing personality. Always the one talking and the one who predicts children who are to be. Is a scorpio and loves the colours red, black and burgandy. Was found to be strongly ENFP on the myers Briggs tests and also Concrete Random and Abstract Random. Loves to be amongst her friends and shopping. Is always on the phone, or gabbing on IM's. A total flirt without trying. Loves to dress alluringly and casually. Does have bouts of depression but can usually snap out of it amongst her many friends.
Last seen 3-4 years ago in the Victoria BC area. Sadly missed and not sure how to get her back. Perhaps needs a friendship intervention. If found please return, thanks :) Her friends are missed too, household is an eary quiet unless there is fighting and yelling, so seeing this again would be wonderful!
So Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Doesn't look like there was an overdose which I would refuse to believe she did anyhow. I am horrified that so many close to her have said they are shocked but not surprised. Also saying she was a little hoare and all kinds of nasty things about her. How dare they speak ill of the dead? I believe she loved the men in her life. I know she loved her kids. I believe in my heart that Daniel and her death is linked together. If all 3 of these guys claiming to be Danny Lynn's dad prove not to be, I have this thought that keeps going through my mind. I don't want to think it and I love her dearly but is it possible she crossed the line with her son and Danny might be his? I mean they were so close and maybe just maybe an accident happened. Maybe it was too much for him to handle he couldn't take it. God makes me want to cry to say that. I have not heard any media say that so it's probably just me watching too many soaps. I know she loved Daniel so much. I am glad she is in heaven with her baby boy. I just feel so bad for her daughter Danny Lynn. I am glad Howard is saying he won't let Anna's mom get near her as long as he is living and breathing. Some media think he should. Hello are you fricken nuts? She was horrible to Anna and they were estranged. WHY IN HELL'S NAME SHOULD THAT WOMAN GET ANYTHING FROM HER? Hearing the thought of her getting to Danny makes me cry till my eyes are red. It's not right. She has always and now still is trying to get notariety off her daughters name, screw you woman. Let her be let her rest, PLEASE! There is in memory of Anna http://www.annanicole.com and you can leave remarks to the family in the guestbook online at http://www.legacy.com look up Anna Nicole Smith. We lost an angel in Anna. I have cried so much since I found out she died. I wish people would stop saying mean things about her. She's dead now why can't they just leave her alone?
Phil still has still not gone to see his neice. I have gotten into it with him a few times now about him going to see Aryanna. I never got to see my neice before she died I don't get why he wouldn't rush to see her. I know he's angry I can't have his kid. So so so angry. He hates me for it. What can I do though? I hate that I can't give him that and when he cuts into me about it I just feel so incomplete and unworthy of him.
I see my doctor on the 19th. I am asking her to do a blood test to check my hormone levels. It appears I may be going into early menopause. That is what is causing so many of these symptoms right now. The ones I hate most is the constantly being hot, the muscle pain, and the insomnia. This last 3 days I am lucky to have gotten 3-4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes are so dry and sore. It sucks. I take sedatives good sedatives and even they are not helping!Which reminds me if you were incapacitated either by meds or drinking ect do you think it's alright for your significant other to be with you sexually? Would that answer vary if the person who is incapacitated wanted it but didn't remember wanting it the next day? I have a sedative that I don't remember the next day what happened after I took it. Zopiclone. I watched a show where some guy was using it as a date rape drug. It is a sedative but in some people it causes temporary memory loss. I am just curious on the morality of peoples thoughts. It would be great if you would take a moment and answer that for me :)
I have great news. I saw DJ he was here for a few hours. He even let me take pictures. He took his sister to the movies and dinner. We supplied the money. I mean you can still feel the strain but you have no idea how happy I am to have been close to my baby boy. I don't know what it is. This bond I have with DJ is different than the bond I have with the girls. Maybe it's cause he was my first, almost died and he's my only son. I just love him so much and I worry about him. He's a good boy and a smart boy and very good looking.
My girls I have a bond too. Actually everyone thinks I favour Sarah. I am very protective of her, but my family and Michael's family don't give her the attention they give to Mary, so I feel like I have to make up for what she lacks from them. Mary is the one I have the hardest time with. She likes to smother people to death. I hate being smothered by anyone. I feel like I can't breathe. Even the guys I have been with I hate being smothered. I need my space. I think I push Phil away alot actually he seems to pick the worst times to want to pull me close and I feel like my skin is crawling. Which of course starts war. There's been so many times where I was needing to be close but I will ask him to come here and usually he will yell why and that busts the mood and I go to bed.
I talked to Doug the other night. I actually hung up the phone in tears. I am so fricken sick of women treating men like they are next weeks garbage. He is back in the gym busting his fricken butt to be a "GOD" because all women see is him being short, fat and bald. He is 44yrs old. Trust me he is nicely built and he is not ugly another thing he gets called. Cindy pulled a real shit ass game on him and she is lucky I don't hunt her down and kick her ass. The same shit happens to Phil. Phil right now is on a huge weightloss kick, buying a whole new wardrobe, got his hair cut, and is always out. He has to do all that to get girls to look at him. See me I could give 2 shits. I fall for someone who can make me laugh, intrigue me. Carry on a conversation-seriously!
I really miss the days when I always had somewhere to go, friends to call on, didn't feel stupid and belittled. *tears* I can't help everyday wondering who really needs me here anymore? I am so damn tired of crying by myself. Feeling so all alone. I hide out in my room and just think, think, think, think, think. I wish there was something that could make me stop thinking. I wish I could be my happy, bubbly self again. If I try to talk to Phil sometimes he listens but usually it gets to the point where he says in a little louder voice "OK OK OK" which is code for shut up. I am too excitable and I go on about my interests too much and so I have tried to train myself to hold back. I hate it when I forget and I start to get excited, because inevitably I will hear "OK OK OK". Then I feel stupid and ashamed and like once again I was out of control, and if I haven't already I will look to see if I had taken my shut up pills. That's what I call them. Cause I have to take my meds 4 times a day. I usually get excitable if I forgot to take them. So I apologize and say sorry I will go take my shut up pills now. *tears* :'(
Anyhow off for now
Last seen 3-4 years ago in the Victoria BC area. Sadly missed and not sure how to get her back. Perhaps needs a friendship intervention. If found please return, thanks :) Her friends are missed too, household is an eary quiet unless there is fighting and yelling, so seeing this again would be wonderful!
So Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Doesn't look like there was an overdose which I would refuse to believe she did anyhow. I am horrified that so many close to her have said they are shocked but not surprised. Also saying she was a little hoare and all kinds of nasty things about her. How dare they speak ill of the dead? I believe she loved the men in her life. I know she loved her kids. I believe in my heart that Daniel and her death is linked together. If all 3 of these guys claiming to be Danny Lynn's dad prove not to be, I have this thought that keeps going through my mind. I don't want to think it and I love her dearly but is it possible she crossed the line with her son and Danny might be his? I mean they were so close and maybe just maybe an accident happened. Maybe it was too much for him to handle he couldn't take it. God makes me want to cry to say that. I have not heard any media say that so it's probably just me watching too many soaps. I know she loved Daniel so much. I am glad she is in heaven with her baby boy. I just feel so bad for her daughter Danny Lynn. I am glad Howard is saying he won't let Anna's mom get near her as long as he is living and breathing. Some media think he should. Hello are you fricken nuts? She was horrible to Anna and they were estranged. WHY IN HELL'S NAME SHOULD THAT WOMAN GET ANYTHING FROM HER? Hearing the thought of her getting to Danny makes me cry till my eyes are red. It's not right. She has always and now still is trying to get notariety off her daughters name, screw you woman. Let her be let her rest, PLEASE! There is in memory of Anna http://www.annanicole.com and you can leave remarks to the family in the guestbook online at http://www.legacy.com look up Anna Nicole Smith. We lost an angel in Anna. I have cried so much since I found out she died. I wish people would stop saying mean things about her. She's dead now why can't they just leave her alone?
Phil still has still not gone to see his neice. I have gotten into it with him a few times now about him going to see Aryanna. I never got to see my neice before she died I don't get why he wouldn't rush to see her. I know he's angry I can't have his kid. So so so angry. He hates me for it. What can I do though? I hate that I can't give him that and when he cuts into me about it I just feel so incomplete and unworthy of him.
I see my doctor on the 19th. I am asking her to do a blood test to check my hormone levels. It appears I may be going into early menopause. That is what is causing so many of these symptoms right now. The ones I hate most is the constantly being hot, the muscle pain, and the insomnia. This last 3 days I am lucky to have gotten 3-4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes are so dry and sore. It sucks. I take sedatives good sedatives and even they are not helping!Which reminds me if you were incapacitated either by meds or drinking ect do you think it's alright for your significant other to be with you sexually? Would that answer vary if the person who is incapacitated wanted it but didn't remember wanting it the next day? I have a sedative that I don't remember the next day what happened after I took it. Zopiclone. I watched a show where some guy was using it as a date rape drug. It is a sedative but in some people it causes temporary memory loss. I am just curious on the morality of peoples thoughts. It would be great if you would take a moment and answer that for me :)
I have great news. I saw DJ he was here for a few hours. He even let me take pictures. He took his sister to the movies and dinner. We supplied the money. I mean you can still feel the strain but you have no idea how happy I am to have been close to my baby boy. I don't know what it is. This bond I have with DJ is different than the bond I have with the girls. Maybe it's cause he was my first, almost died and he's my only son. I just love him so much and I worry about him. He's a good boy and a smart boy and very good looking.
My girls I have a bond too. Actually everyone thinks I favour Sarah. I am very protective of her, but my family and Michael's family don't give her the attention they give to Mary, so I feel like I have to make up for what she lacks from them. Mary is the one I have the hardest time with. She likes to smother people to death. I hate being smothered by anyone. I feel like I can't breathe. Even the guys I have been with I hate being smothered. I need my space. I think I push Phil away alot actually he seems to pick the worst times to want to pull me close and I feel like my skin is crawling. Which of course starts war. There's been so many times where I was needing to be close but I will ask him to come here and usually he will yell why and that busts the mood and I go to bed.
I talked to Doug the other night. I actually hung up the phone in tears. I am so fricken sick of women treating men like they are next weeks garbage. He is back in the gym busting his fricken butt to be a "GOD" because all women see is him being short, fat and bald. He is 44yrs old. Trust me he is nicely built and he is not ugly another thing he gets called. Cindy pulled a real shit ass game on him and she is lucky I don't hunt her down and kick her ass. The same shit happens to Phil. Phil right now is on a huge weightloss kick, buying a whole new wardrobe, got his hair cut, and is always out. He has to do all that to get girls to look at him. See me I could give 2 shits. I fall for someone who can make me laugh, intrigue me. Carry on a conversation-seriously!
I really miss the days when I always had somewhere to go, friends to call on, didn't feel stupid and belittled. *tears* I can't help everyday wondering who really needs me here anymore? I am so damn tired of crying by myself. Feeling so all alone. I hide out in my room and just think, think, think, think, think. I wish there was something that could make me stop thinking. I wish I could be my happy, bubbly self again. If I try to talk to Phil sometimes he listens but usually it gets to the point where he says in a little louder voice "OK OK OK" which is code for shut up. I am too excitable and I go on about my interests too much and so I have tried to train myself to hold back. I hate it when I forget and I start to get excited, because inevitably I will hear "OK OK OK". Then I feel stupid and ashamed and like once again I was out of control, and if I haven't already I will look to see if I had taken my shut up pills. That's what I call them. Cause I have to take my meds 4 times a day. I usually get excitable if I forgot to take them. So I apologize and say sorry I will go take my shut up pills now. *tears* :'(
Anyhow off for now
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Internal Confusion
| First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose. Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell? Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot. Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work. Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather. Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know? Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousAlways dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines |
Saturday, December 16, 2006
dosent matter
Nice email huh? Now how exactly am I supposed to come up with this? Not to mention No I DID NOT BREAK THAT DAMN PS2. If I could buy the PS3 I would I already have pretty much told everyone that! *tears* ----- Original Message ----- From: "dj macrae" To: < tenderone@shaw.ca> Sent: Wednesday, December 13, 2006 9:52 PM Subject: dosent matter >I have a deal for u its just as manipulative as u are > > for 2 times a week i will come and see u for an hour at a time on my > scheadule > > ur part of the deal is to buy me a ps3 first off all for whats already > written and because u broke my ps2 and yes i am pulling this shit on u > > im giving u till dec 30 i dont care how hard it is to find or how > expensive it is > > but if u do buy it i will give u a cahnge rm no later than dec 30 > > regards from D.J. for angela macrae
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