Internal Confusion

First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose. Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell? Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot. Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work. Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather. Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know? Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousAlways dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines