Secrets & Confusion

What is it with people and secrets? Like sharing your life is a huge no no? I grew up with a mother who did things that always left her telling us don't tell dad this and don't tell dad that. She still at times does that. We also heard don't tell this and don't tell that because it could affect your dad's job. I hated it and I swore I would never have my kids grow up that way. Something I hate very much is lies and secrets! I guess that is why I have admitted things I have done even when I knew it could end everything I had. However Phil is another one who thinks things should be kept to yourself and be kept secret. We fight about it alot!!! He gets really angry about my writing my blogs, he thinks I should keep it to myself. Suffer alone and not tell a soul what I am going through. What I hate more than that is when he denies things he says and does. One thing to deny it to others but to look me in the face and deny it it kills me and makes me wish I could just die!!!! It hurts so deeply. I just don't care anymore. Lately I don't even get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I have been so depressed I sleep, barely eat, take meds to end pain and I do feeel pain all over. I called the dr to get in today and try to get admitted to hospital. They fuckin cancelled my appointment. I think that is such a big joke. I told them how serious it is for me to get admitted to hospital. My normal meds are not working at all. I cry everyday for hours. Waking up is a disappointment to me. Phil gets here and just gets pissed with me for not having done anything for yet another day, which just adds to my already depressed feelings. I think aboiut DJ everyday and I cry about him. I miss him so much and feel like a part of me dies without him everyday. His bday is coming a big 16yrs old. I hope he loves the gift I have gotten him. I just can't stop thinking about DJ he is always on my mind and I love him so much. My baby boy is growing up so fast. The good thing is I seem to be losing weight as I barely want to eat. I am eating a tiny bit but I don't want to eat. I drink a very little bit as well. Roger and Phil spend most of the time with Sarah, they have been wonderful with her. I guess that is another part of my feeling down I really don't feel needed or wanted. I mean kids don't seem to want or need me anymore. They are all looked after and Phil seems to always be gone and with others now and complains if and when I ask him anything, so I hate asking anything of him. Doug is now with Cindy. No one really needs me in life anymore, so if I were gone who would miss me? NO ONE! I am proud of how wonderful everyone is doing and it makes it alot easier for me to fade out when I see that I am not really needed anymore. I feel like all I do really is piss people off and get in their way! Even when Phil is here now he is not with me, he is on comp and watching TV downstairsd or in the transformer room. I don't do or watch anything he likes. I am just a thron in his side. He likes being out away from here, so... I do have another appointment with my docotor I guess I have to wait for that one. I just wish todays would have not got cancelled. I can't remember feeling this bad in a very long time...