I MIss Feeling Alive

So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.
I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.
I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.
I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!