Doctors Appointment

I saw the doctor the day before yesterday and then yesterday again. The doctor thought I might have appendicitis and a kidney infection on the right side. So I had a blood test it did not show positive for appendicitis. But called me back in for more tests. This doctor thought still I might have appendicitis also won ders if I might have gallstones in my liver or a liver infection or and kidney infection and also wondered about a bowel blockage. So I went back in for another blood test today and am waiting for tests to come back AGAIN. My temperature is all over the place but am super faint and tired and still not real hungry but am thirsty drinking alot of tomatoe juice and water.
Phil is frustrated with me I guess cause seems like everything I do and don't do is pissing him off he has been yelling at me non stop. I feel like I can't do anything right by him :"(
Doug has been pretty supportive, he has called to check in on me and asked me to call and let him know how things go with tests ect. I am actually surprised by that because normally he hasn't really been there for me when it comes to shit like that. When it comes to the real things in life Doug has never really been there. It's hard to explain the friendship he and I have I am often confused by it. Not really sure where I have fit in his world, never have been sure. Sometimes I think what Phil says about how Doug feels about me is true and that hurts ALOT!
Sherri has been pretty supportive too. She checks in on me time to time. She is trying to get me out and get my life moving again. She might be moving to New Brunswick this summer which is sad for me but I understand it completely. She will be moving there to be next to her daughter. Mary told me I deserve it because then I know how it is to be seperated from my friends. I told her to grow up. I was seperated from my friends my whole life I was a base brat. Sherri and I spent most of our friendship apart writing letters and calling long distance. But I guess Mary can't see that. She is just angry being with her dad away from her friends here right now :'(
I see Anna Nicoles mom is supposed to be having rights to the baby what the hell is that about? Whatever. I think Anna is rolling in her grave. But whatever...
I want to quickly say I think things have gone to far with IMUS , NBC has now fired him? WTF? It's not like he goes off on racial issues all the time. The fact he said nappy headed ho's one time and laughed once and now it's gone this big is ridiculous. I feel so bad for the man. Girls come on he apologized don't let this be his career killer that is horrible. Worse has been done, way worse :(
Anyhow, not sure what tests will say but am sick of being sick and in pain, but I guess I deserve it...

Maybe Coming To?

Well I am writing this on Mar 3 and today was a long assed day. Considering I have not really slept. Phil and I spent alot of the night fighting. Then I had to stay up to go to the soccer game. Wow those girls played so well and so hard, that other team needed to be taught how to play for sportsmanship not to hurt people to win is all I have to say. It was nice being at the game but I kinda felt like an outsider around the other parents and they have by the way it sounded and looked money I could only hope to have, and my girls dad only has cause he gets it from mommy and daddy. who needs a sugar momma or dadda huh? I've never had one of those, but I do seem to know quite a few who found their money pockets. Some I think more money than love which is sad isn't it?
Ok I really could give two cripes about what people say but I truly believe Anna Nicole loved her husband and not his money. Hi he found her, she was a playmate for goodness sake she could have her pick, she knew Heffner hello?????? Is everyone stupid? You know she is just better off from her small time past and people were envious and jealous. If you have to belittle her to feel better have at her. Rest in Peace dear sweet lady and may your mother trip off a cliff if she continues to try and desicrate you by digging you and your son up. Soon Anna soon all this will be over and the angels will be all that is remembered.
So I lost my engagement ring, almost lost my other diamond ring too, what the heck? Can my fingers get any fricker smaller? my engagement ring was already a size 4. At 16 my finger was a 5, hello?
Oh I am curious has anyone ever heard of anyone having the symptom of smelling blood on a consistent basis but there is none? Also someone who has always had perfect skin for the most part having bumps appear on the chin along with a dry rash and sometimes itching only on the chin. cutting open the bumps results in a small tiny like pebble and clear fluid being released. Only to grow back within a couple of days? Painful as well? If you have any known reason for what this may be?
Is there anyone else out there who collects the "CLAIRES" trinket boxes they have been putting out for at least a few years? I been collecting them since they started with 90%angel and last year got every box but one, I am so choked. I had missed 2 but one of the store girls gave me hers. Which rocked. Just curious if anyone else has them like me might have the one I might be missing. Some months I buy a few because they relate to my girls. Actually my nephew I gave him my frog one so I replaced it:)
I am not sure what is going on with Brittney Spears but I have to say I do feel for her. I really hope she now gets the help she needs. I think she just had too much too fast and she broke. Different people can take so much right? For those kids of hers I hope she gets well soon. MY thoughts are with her and her family.
Anyhow I will go, this is almost a normal post huh? LOL
I wanna say thanks to my brother for standing behind me when I broke and you know I will break again. Thanks to Sherri for sticking me out all these years. She is the one friend I have known since I was in elementary school. now she has seen some crap:) Lin for still being there to reach out to, and Doug for putting up with me when I get impatient with you, your friendship means alot!
K I am off to watch America Justice :)

LOST:myself known as Angela aka:LadyIllusions

If found please return as personality is dearly missed. You will know her by her bubbly, very outgoing personality. Always the one talking and the one who predicts children who are to be. Is a scorpio and loves the colours red, black and burgandy. Was found to be strongly ENFP on the myers Briggs tests and also Concrete Random and Abstract Random. Loves to be amongst her friends and shopping. Is always on the phone, or gabbing on IM's. A total flirt without trying. Loves to dress alluringly and casually. Does have bouts of depression but can usually snap out of it amongst her many friends.
Last seen 3-4 years ago in the Victoria BC area. Sadly missed and not sure how to get her back. Perhaps needs a friendship intervention. If found please return, thanks :) Her friends are missed too, household is an eary quiet unless there is fighting and yelling, so seeing this again would be wonderful!
So Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Doesn't look like there was an overdose which I would refuse to believe she did anyhow. I am horrified that so many close to her have said they are shocked but not surprised. Also saying she was a little hoare and all kinds of nasty things about her. How dare they speak ill of the dead? I believe she loved the men in her life. I know she loved her kids. I believe in my heart that Daniel and her death is linked together. If all 3 of these guys claiming to be Danny Lynn's dad prove not to be, I have this thought that keeps going through my mind. I don't want to think it and I love her dearly but is it possible she crossed the line with her son and Danny might be his? I mean they were so close and maybe just maybe an accident happened. Maybe it was too much for him to handle he couldn't take it. God makes me want to cry to say that. I have not heard any media say that so it's probably just me watching too many soaps. I know she loved Daniel so much. I am glad she is in heaven with her baby boy. I just feel so bad for her daughter Danny Lynn. I am glad Howard is saying he won't let Anna's mom get near her as long as he is living and breathing. Some media think he should. Hello are you fricken nuts? She was horrible to Anna and they were estranged. WHY IN HELL'S NAME SHOULD THAT WOMAN GET ANYTHING FROM HER? Hearing the thought of her getting to Danny makes me cry till my eyes are red. It's not right. She has always and now still is trying to get notariety off her daughters name, screw you woman. Let her be let her rest, PLEASE! There is in memory of Anna http://www.annanicole.com and you can leave remarks to the family in the guestbook online at http://www.legacy.com look up Anna Nicole Smith. We lost an angel in Anna. I have cried so much since I found out she died. I wish people would stop saying mean things about her. She's dead now why can't they just leave her alone?
Phil still has still not gone to see his neice. I have gotten into it with him a few times now about him going to see Aryanna. I never got to see my neice before she died I don't get why he wouldn't rush to see her. I know he's angry I can't have his kid. So so so angry. He hates me for it. What can I do though? I hate that I can't give him that and when he cuts into me about it I just feel so incomplete and unworthy of him.
I see my doctor on the 19th. I am asking her to do a blood test to check my hormone levels. It appears I may be going into early menopause. That is what is causing so many of these symptoms right now. The ones I hate most is the constantly being hot, the muscle pain, and the insomnia. This last 3 days I am lucky to have gotten 3-4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes are so dry and sore. It sucks. I take sedatives good sedatives and even they are not helping!Which reminds me if you were incapacitated either by meds or drinking ect do you think it's alright for your significant other to be with you sexually? Would that answer vary if the person who is incapacitated wanted it but didn't remember wanting it the next day? I have a sedative that I don't remember the next day what happened after I took it. Zopiclone. I watched a show where some guy was using it as a date rape drug. It is a sedative but in some people it causes temporary memory loss. I am just curious on the morality of peoples thoughts. It would be great if you would take a moment and answer that for me :)
I have great news. I saw DJ he was here for a few hours. He even let me take pictures. He took his sister to the movies and dinner. We supplied the money. I mean you can still feel the strain but you have no idea how happy I am to have been close to my baby boy. I don't know what it is. This bond I have with DJ is different than the bond I have with the girls. Maybe it's cause he was my first, almost died and he's my only son. I just love him so much and I worry about him. He's a good boy and a smart boy and very good looking.
My girls I have a bond too. Actually everyone thinks I favour Sarah. I am very protective of her, but my family and Michael's family don't give her the attention they give to Mary, so I feel like I have to make up for what she lacks from them. Mary is the one I have the hardest time with. She likes to smother people to death. I hate being smothered by anyone. I feel like I can't breathe. Even the guys I have been with I hate being smothered. I need my space. I think I push Phil away alot actually he seems to pick the worst times to want to pull me close and I feel like my skin is crawling. Which of course starts war. There's been so many times where I was needing to be close but I will ask him to come here and usually he will yell why and that busts the mood and I go to bed.
I talked to Doug the other night. I actually hung up the phone in tears. I am so fricken sick of women treating men like they are next weeks garbage. He is back in the gym busting his fricken butt to be a "GOD" because all women see is him being short, fat and bald. He is 44yrs old. Trust me he is nicely built and he is not ugly another thing he gets called. Cindy pulled a real shit ass game on him and she is lucky I don't hunt her down and kick her ass. The same shit happens to Phil. Phil right now is on a huge weightloss kick, buying a whole new wardrobe, got his hair cut, and is always out. He has to do all that to get girls to look at him. See me I could give 2 shits. I fall for someone who can make me laugh, intrigue me. Carry on a conversation-seriously!
I really miss the days when I always had somewhere to go, friends to call on, didn't feel stupid and belittled. *tears* I can't help everyday wondering who really needs me here anymore? I am so damn tired of crying by myself. Feeling so all alone. I hide out in my room and just think, think, think, think, think. I wish there was something that could make me stop thinking. I wish I could be my happy, bubbly self again. If I try to talk to Phil sometimes he listens but usually it gets to the point where he says in a little louder voice "OK OK OK" which is code for shut up. I am too excitable and I go on about my interests too much and so I have tried to train myself to hold back. I hate it when I forget and I start to get excited, because inevitably I will hear "OK OK OK". Then I feel stupid and ashamed and like once again I was out of control, and if I haven't already I will look to see if I had taken my shut up pills. That's what I call them. Cause I have to take my meds 4 times a day. I usually get excitable if I forgot to take them. So I apologize and say sorry I will go take my shut up pills now. *tears* :'(
Anyhow off for now