Mega Catchup

60mins show has me wondering what is ur side on this pill?
11:11pm Monday, Jun 18
On 60 minutes The Memory Pill produced by Shari Finkelstein has me wondering what your morals have you saying about the debate in this new pill some people want to put on the market. My side is yes yes yes.I would take it I would so take it if it would end my PTSD. I would so let my kids take it. It is short term it is such a great break in medical tests I just think more tests need to be allowed to happen. This pill needs a chance in this world today.The pill is called PROCLANILOL I may have spelt it wrong but pretty sure it's spelt right. How it is explained is that this tests has showed that it can stop memories from forming into long term traumatic events. Apparently it has been shown in tests in rats that adreniline rushes to our forefronts and is what makes our memories because stronger and more active when a traumatic event happens. When the rats were shot with this med it stopped the adreniline and the memories were cut off. In human tests short term tests showed they worked as well. Later they did tests on some people who have had long term Post traumatic stress disorder and in at least one case her memories were no longer traumatic and destroying her life like they were before. This was not just with the medication but with suggestions and a movie ect. You really should watch the documentary to get the whole gist of it. However when they wanted to do long term tests apparently the FDA pulled it and said no.Some people say memories are what make us who we are. That this drug could become abused and overused. If a guy has a bad date and makes an ass of himself well hell I will just take a pill. Or a girl dumps you and it hurts real bad just take a pill. This is the other side of the fight keeping the drug from being used. I say this happens with many medications in today that are used. This is always a possibilty this is the caution of doctors. It does not erase the memory, you still have it, just not the pain that comes with it. You can go on and leave a productive happier life than you may have before use with this medication. So what's your view. Curiousity lets me ask you the question yes or no and why?
Being A Black Sheep & Other Thoughts...
6:43pm Saturday, Jun 23
I have not being well lately so not been blogging. Anything I have written is on here, but no worries, I will copy and past to my other journals all these past entries when I am back to par if that ever happens; and when my dad brings me finally a new computer. I just wanted to mention how right now I am thinking about how other people deal with being a black sheep #1- in their plutonic family, #2- external family, and #3- people in life. Growing up I always felt of the 3 kids my brother and I were both black sheep. However I felt darker than he for I was always blamed for him being a dark sheep. Somehow how he was a reflection of me as an older sibling, not a reflection of my parents. I still hold that pain with me today and can't let it go. However my siblings seem to have easily let go of the pains and darkness in our childhoods. Now we are all adults and somehow as one sibling now is a workaholic and lifes will is all about money and the other has suffered pains no one should go through now makes them both pure sheep and I a disappointment to them and to the world. I guess in someways I am a disappointment to myself. No one grows up wishing for disabilities and mental disorders. Those make me somewhat less. However I am extremely outspoken. I do not belief my lifespan will be very long. I believe I have suffered more than one should. I kept strong friends because I wasn't. Somehow over time I learned to speak my mind. I learned to stop being quiet cause I had had enough of hiding behind my friends. If you have dirty laundry too damn bad, maybe you should have thought about those actions before you took them. When did it become okay for anyone to tell anyone they needed to learn their place? When did it become okay for anyone to scream in someones face? Did it suddenly become okay to hide the fact that you feel afraid sometimes when your being yelled at? The whole fricken world knows I am so not a puritan. I was a teen mom. I have always been jealous, and an emotional wreak. Those close to me know I HATE CLEANING! I have no issue with admitting I like to be lazy, thing is maybe that caught up with me, because now I have osteoarthritis in my spine, now it hurts to lift, it hurts to be overly physical, it hurts to go out for hours, it hurts to hike. I love to hike, I love to camp. When I was young I swam, was in the jogging club, jazz dancing, I walked all the damn time till in my 20's when I was so overweight I couldn't. Which I did something about. Ya know? I don't know why I am the way I am but I am. I hate being so sick. Who gets this sick? It's ridiculous and I always laugh and say the devil doesn't want me and neither does God, so I am just gonna suffer with every medical disorder. Lucky me!!!I won't hide things I know, I won't shut up. Threaten me go right ahead I will still write about it. I will also write your threat. I am done with people thinking they can walk on me. Nope journals are awesome, it helps me think to myself, it helps me talk and get answers I can't maybe sometimes come up with on my own. If you think that makes me evil screw you! Secrets are something I grew up with. I try very hard to have my kids not do the same. Because no one needs that in their life! Secrets are bad, they make you sick and they will hurt you! They say my sign is the sign of sex and death. I used to be someone who was hugely sexual being sick pretty much has killed that part of me for the moment but death, I think about it alot. I never thought being sick like this was going to come to my adult life. Not with how active I was when younger:( Oh and as for me being spiteful. When I was with Michael when he hit I used to break his stuff, throw dishes, glasses ect. We were both so out of control. Calling nonstop, walking for hours to get to his place. I think now looking back we both were bad to one another. Doug, I was more spiteful with him in the way of putting up a website about him, leaving ,essages galore. He actually taught me how to relax my ass. Even told me himself that me over everyone had changed more than anyone he knew hands down. I no longer yelled or anything, between him and my youngest I went to the other side. Silence. When I can't keep it together anymore. I shut right down. I journal shit you say? I journal what I feel and how I experienced an experience, but people need to realize that it is how I FELT about it. The other side can see it differently and I have always said that. Anyhow whatever, maybe...
(Dermatillomania/CSP), OCD, Self Mutilation, and Skin Picking
7:00pm Sunday, Jun 24
My OCD tendencies lately seem to be at an all time high. I hate it. I wish people could have it for a day and understand what it is like to do something and even when made contious of it can't stop it. I have done skin picking for all my life. I have also done alot of self mutilation, but have through therapy gotten better with at least the cutting issues. They say OCD is also related to Terrets syndrome. I do it more when I am feeling, stressed, out of control, hurt ect. I also have an aversion to using certain utensils and dishes but can't explain why, I just can't use them it makes me want to throw up. I also save EVERYTHING! I have had so many fights with my mom, and guys in my life over saving everything and them throwing shit out. I get panicked that if I throw something out I will end up needing it or wanting it and then what? When everything is neat too I struggle more to find things, makes no sense to anyone else but it does to me. It's a daily struggle.My mom, my neice and I all have the skin picking issue. My kids have all done it but seem to have learned how to control it. One is a little less controlled than the other two and I think will always have that tendency now. My therapist had put me on celexa which I still take hoping it would calm my OCD down but it hasn't. I have not yet heard of a drug that can cure OCD. That would be so great if there were cause I hate it. I hate if I don't do it I panic, I feel sick, I feel shaky. It is a soother for me. Can't explain it, don't really understand it myself but it really does feel lonely. I think more studies and tests need to be done with people who have OCD. I would easily participate in a study, if it would stop it altogether. It would be such a freedom. Anyhow that is my rant for today. As you might well guess from reading this I am more violent to myself than to others. I am mouthy and bitchy to others, but when it comes down to physical altercations I would rather do it to myself!!! So there ya go!http://www.trich.org/AllJoinHands/HowToHandsDownAThon.htmhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickaderms http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickers/http://grossbart.com/picking.htmlhttp://www.psyke.org/http://facepick.tripod.com/ www.ocfoundation.org
Pissed & Frustrated With Getting FIFA U20 Tickets...
11:43am Wednesday, Jun 27
So Sarah and Phil's sister were bought tickets to go to see the FIFA U20 soccer games here in Victoria. I wanted Phil to be responsible for it because it was dealing with his family and involved being a gift for his sister. He didn't like it but did go put the payment on it. We were able to get them through the club Sarah is in. However we had to get these vouchers until the tickets came in. Lately we been on pins and needles waiting for the tickets to come in. Well I get an email today saying the pick up date was yesterday. I call Phil and he didn't know anything about it said he got no email about it. So I give him a number to call that was not on the email hoping this lady could help us track the ticket bearers down. Then I go to his email he got the email about tickets not on the 25th like me but on the 23rd!!! OMG I lost it. It says on his it is the ONLY pick up date. Has a different lady's name. So I emailed who I could and am now waiting for responses. Gave him numbers and he is waiting. I sent them our numbers but have appointments today. Phil says see you should have dealt with it. OMG I am ready to fucking scream. We better get those tickets because one little girl is going to be balling her eyes out if she can't go it is all she has talked about. She was upset we weren't gonna get the vouvhers into tickets. I don't want to see her heart broken....
We got the tickets, Phil's my Hero:)
12:42pm Thursday, Jun 28
He was determined as hell to get our tickets despite that we missed the pick up date and trust me when Phil is determined you don't want to get in his way. He's my hero. The tickets are in our hot little hand. My kid is happy and all is well whoo hoo
So Confused
1:22pm Today
I can feel the emotions and I believe they are real, but once burned how do you go beyond that. Do you try to trust again? Scared and unsure. What do I do?
Thoughts I Need To Write...
6:31pm Today
Having running thoughts right now, so need to write...It's canada day and I am kinda moody. Confused. I am tired of feeling betrayed and lied to. Why do I always feel like the last one to know the truth about everything? Especially when it comes to the subject of men, and more so when it is men I care about? I used to break things, smash things. Really all that does is leave you feeling worse and empty. I was in a therapy group where I had to actually go through a session of how I acted when a guy got me to that place. They got out trash cans and dishes ect and I went through the clingy don't leave me crap and smashing and swearing at the placebo person. We spent the afternoon that day going through it. I don't think I ever felt so centered out and wanting to hide as much as I did that day. It was really hard to deal with. I ended up in a corner and just balling my eyes out. I don't think I have smashed anything since then or held on to anyone physically like that again. I mean where does it get you? I think I have ripped a few posters and letters but on the whole I try not to do anything physical. However I do have the issue still with physically hurting myself. However I do have the picking issue with is an OCD disorder and is made owrse by stress and upset and I have struggled with cutting but worked so hard on not cutting myself. No one has any idea how hard that is to deal with, but I do find breathing and counting and meds do help. I do know I get alot of griping at me about my meds and it really pisses me off. I don't like taking them, it's fricken a pain in the ass and sometimes I want to puke them out but I can so tell when I don't take them. I talk faster and people especially my grandmother and Phil get on me that I am agitating them by talking too fast and changing subjects too fast. Doug actually seemed to like me that way, thats why we get along so well. He flows with my moods and knows when I am agitated, when I am up, he is so tooned into me it's awesome, I love how he is like that! That has been a rarity in my life.Actually Jo-Anne seemed to be really good at sliding with my moods as teens. I think my teen years would have been dramatically different had I been diagnosed as bipolar at that time. It explains so very much. I was very jealous of friends. I was hyper sensitive. Very moody. Always tired. So much more. But it is hard to diagnose teens and alot of anti-depressants are not very good for teens it can actually make them worse.I see the dermatologist this week, and gonna go get that blood test and stomach test. My doctor believes my stomach is bleeding and so I am on these meds to help at least slow that down. I should be getting that scope soon as well.My hamstring is healing but I pulled it again yesterday-grr that fricken hurts.Went out with DJ on wednesday we had lunch at the Brass Duck, he had fish and chips and calamari. I had the Clubhouse. Then we went and watched Knocked up. Holy moses can we say swearing overload and female nudity galore AND alot of drug use, not your everyday movie.Then yesterday Phil and I went to Kelsey's can we say the food was REALLY BAD we sent it back. Got New York Fries at the movie theatre and watched 1408. Wow buildup to that was not as good as the actual movie itself. Not a movie I would watch a second time around! So I been feeling pretty good about having my kids around me but wish I was the everyday kind of mom. That is not something I can ever be. I am proud of the kids they are. Ya know Dj is doing so awesome in school and he is in Sask right now visiting Crystal and I gave him some money to spend there. Mary is falling behind in grades but wants to do better and she keeps herself clean with her friends. She is such a beautiful girl. Sarah is so awesome in soccer and strong willed. All my kids are strong willed. No one is ever gonna keep them quiet like wow, wish I could have been fighters like them, and opinionated like them, and refused to keep quiet like them. You won't ever see them keeping secrets and they fight omg they fight and are strong like hell. When I was younger I feared my dad and kept my mouth shut. I have never been a fighter. Of course I am a little different now. I tell all, I speak all, I won't hide anything and I will get in your face. I think it's because everyone seems to hate me anyway and I don't foresee a long lasting life so I might as well stand up and stand strong and say what I have to say and if you don't like it BITE ME!!!!So anyhow that is me fornow, had to get the thoughts out, hope everyone has a great Canada I believe we're 140yrs old, and we are the country that rocks whew hoo.....