I Hate The Darkness...

Ok firstly yes I am bipolar, yes I am on meds, obviously I need to go back in and once again have them adjusted cause I am shutting down. I am just so tired of having to go back in and see a fuckin psychiatrist. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Ask Phil he'll tell you you only have to see one if your psychologically fucked up and stupid :'( As for the pain I have been having buscopan seems to be helping with that but makes me even more tired than I already am. The xrays as I said showed that my bowels on the right side are very backed up and I may have irritable bowel syndrome which my mom and possible middle daughter has :'( Today was my ultrasound once again they found something. I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and today they found on my ovaries my eggs apparently are not flushing out but attaching to my ovaries which somehow grow? Make like sores and a couple are about half the size of my ovaries. My guess is the dr may choose to now take out my ovaries and that is upsetting cause all I need is menopause added to my already emotioal being. I really thought my ovaries would be fine and dandy. I now apparently will also be having a CT scan just to make sure nothing else is going on. I feel like my brother is right I am gonna end up in the hospital hooked up to machines barely living. I am barely living now. I barely get out of bed right now. I am exhausted and emotional and hurting. I am tired of being yelled at and now Doug well he just put the last knife in my heart.
I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can't even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he's always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can't, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn't seem to be. we're both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn't consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend.
Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn't get here today.
I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn't like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil's friends and he has tons.
I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn't feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That's home, that's where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don't know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :'( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don't want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn't work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down....