Cats Need Miracles Too/In Darkness

So last night I figured out why Storm is really clinging to me and whiney. As he tried to sit and eat his food I noticed the lump I thought I felt is actually alot bigger than I thought and so swollen he can't sit comfortably, he was very fidgetty while he tried to eat. It had to be his bad leg he already can't tuck it under him now he can barely sit it hurts. It's killing me. Storm is like a child to me, only he really does love me unconditionally.If something were to happen to him I would die inside I love him so much. He has an appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm my dad has agreed to take me thank God. Now I need to find some funding. I made some calls but all I got was machines. Their not killing my cat, I won't let them, I can't *tears* God I even emailed Phil how bad is that? I doubt I will hear from him though. I wish animals had medical just like us humans. I think they should. Storm has been through so much and he's come through alot I'm not going to loose him now, not now! You know you look into those eyes and they can't talk but you can almost hear the words, *tears* I love my Storm!

Mary had a doctors appointment today I didn't but my mom she got on my case, made me get my iron shot, grrr I hate getting those stupid shots. She's on my case to get my blood tests done too. I can't remember the last time I have seen my mother so concerned about my health, I guess that speaks volumes about how bad it's really gotten. I know when I went to walmart with her the other day I was just about gonna faint but sat before I did. She didn't like that but at least I sat before sometimes I don't even get to catch myself. I've been eating alot of regular chips lately not because I want chips but because I want salt. If I make food I pour a ton of salt on it. I don't think I have ever craved salt to this capacity in my life. I hate to see what level my iron is at! Usually I use only the bare minimal of salt it's crazy.About Mary's appointment it didn't go as planned, we're gonna try for another full checkup in a month, we'll see. Not real sure I mean she was super freaked out, just real freaked out cryin and shit. There are some points that happen in parenting when you get to them & your kid responds unlike you expected and you know it's detrimental they see it differently but trying to make them see it that way makes them look like your handing them over to wolves it breaks your heart & you just want to protect them. I mean I stroked her hair and wiped away her tears and inside I was struggling like God she needs to do this but she is just looking so traumatized I want to protect, how do I do both? In the end it didn't happen and she became much calmer. We discussed it with her the dr and I and we will keep trying till she is comfortable.

Holy fuck I'm having another crying fit, what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching Big Brother 9. OK I admit it I yell at the TV. I am upset for James he is in there all by himself I think and I feel sad for him. I think James is alot like me I think he'd be cool to hang with. He's not some fucked up 2 faced superfical asshole! There needs to be more people like him in this world. Him going after Shiela I yelled with him lol and I started to cry I thought he was gonna cry too.I am sick of Shiela and her crap. I am glad he let out some steam he has not been himself since Chelsia left. Is there any way to contact the players after the show is over cause serious James really he just seems to really care about people & I would love to be able to tell him that he has impacted my life for the good. Evel Dick too another man who has a great heart he taught me alot about the bond between a father and a daughter. Mary keeps saying spiteful things about her dad and I hate it. She says he won't be at her wedding I told her there has to be, she said over her dead body, that hurts me. He's her dad, he may not be the best dad but he's her dad I wish they would both make more of an effort. It just huurts so much. I raised my girls to love their dad, I called him on holidays ect. His parents bought the cards and gifts. He saw them a couple times a yr. The girls say he talks smack about me & they hate it. Whatever he is still their dad and I want them to love their dad period! DJ too. He was raised since day 1 knowing about his father Bryan Miller from North Bay Ontario. He has always known of him, have told him all the info on his dad I have. When I learn more I tell him. What we really want is a picture even better pictures of his dad. It's something Mary has held over his head that they've seen their dad and he never has such bullcrap!
muahahahahahaha James won POV SUCKA'S SUCK ON THAT! I totally think he has good karma workin in his corner

I got Mary another lamb today. She was so worked up & upset from her appointment & went into the store to pick up a few groceries. I saw this cutest lamb with a pink bathrobe on it so I bought it for her. She loved it. I got her one for easter too it is her hugest one almost as big as her. I have been collecting lambs for her since she born. The biggest thing I haven't been able to find is upsetting to me is a comforter with a lamb on it. I would love to find a pink or purple comfoter with a lamb on it and the trim to have lambs across it. Would love to have pillow shams and cutains to match but apparently that is never going to happen:( I'm sure eventually I will find a lamb light. I look in the bay stres and isles as well. Eventually I'll find the plaque with the poem of Mary had a little lamb to hang up in her room. It's funny cause her step mom got on board and got her a lamb at christmas and it's the one from Avon it smells really pretty tranquility, now I want one lol:)

Sarah I buy her soccer everything. Having that collection I have learned if you see it buy it right then because it will be gone if you go back for it later. That is a hella popular collection. She also collects hats, so does my dad. My mom has always collected spoons and porcelin dolls, my brother elephants, my sisters snowmen, pennants, clowns(eww), porcelain masks, my neice collects bells, DJ likes dragons, I collect wish boxes, mystical things, victoria francis work, shrek toys, pushback buttons & pins(since grade3 from all over the world, if you would like to send some let me know any kind is good), talking t-shirts, piglet stuff, I like other pink pig stuff too:), black and white cameos.
Crap I am starting to burn up again. I seem to be going through burning up and chills last few days not sure why but rest of me feels fine so it's probably nuthin. Anyhow off for now...
In Darkness...
Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shadows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shdows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day passes I stop tracking time. no one even passes I stop tracking time. o one even knows I'm gone, everyone was gone before I was gone. I think as I lay under the tree and watch the dark water I somehow was loosing everyone I was close to. No one ever called, or came over or called. I had lost my friends and I didn't know why, the darkness I felt right then was the picture of what I already felt inside. Tears burned hotly down my face, I was getting weaker, not much longer I thought will anyone notice I'm gone. Will anyone ever find me, will anyone even care? I didn't know why I was so bad but as I took my last breathes I wrote in the sand, I'm sorry for whatever I did, & know my friends my loved ones today as I take my last breathe I love you, thankyou for impacting my life, see you on the other side...