Trying To Be Alive...

So yesterday I made cajun chicken, stuffing, potatoes and corn. Cleaned up my basement floor again. Folded up the blankets and put a load of laundry in the wash. I also had some fun with Sarah last night on FLIXTER. Seriously you can have some fun on that site doing the trivia with your kids as there is alot of kids movie trivia, teen movie trivia extra. We spent about an hour playing. You gotta check out the site and join here is my invite url: http://www.flixster.com/servlet/invite/6773521jiaABCm Today I made pork chops, potatoes, and corn and I picked up some pecan gooey buns for dessert. My brother was a bad boy he ate one before dinner. I cleaned up a big part of my bedroom and cleaned the inside of one of my shelving units in the livingroom. Called the school and got some forms for sports for next year. Also did some emailing with someone who is interested in starting a cheer group here in Victoria which would be awesome. I contacted her first as she does cheer in ontario.Also contacted a family member in ontario about family reunion next summer trying to organize that as I talked to my friend Barb/Phoenix and I have decided to go to visit her in New York next year. OMG I am so excited. I would like to try and see her for at least a week this year as well. I apparently need to get my passport done and then get some funds together and see if I can get s cheap flight there. Damn I wish I had more access to money:( I wish I could go now. I so badly just want to go away :'( I am so glad she is as excited about me coming out though as me wanting to come out. OMG she is so much fun to be around. BARB I MISS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU *jumps up and down* anyone wanna help me get out there? Man I would love ya forever seriously. I hate being poor :'(Oh man did ya see CSI NY with Criss Angel playing a Bad Magician that was so cool he did an awesome job. What I wouldn't do to see that man perform. He really is a wonderful illusionist. I talked to DJ for quite awhile today he made my mom cry yesterday. He really has turned a cold shoulder when it comes to my family. Even his friends apparently have commented on his harshness. Sometimes I really do contemplate on so many of the decisions I have made in my life. I also think about the things I want to say to Bryan about his son. He knows what he did but it was yrs ago, he was 17 hormoes make you do stupid things and I don't hate him for the past. It hurts it scarred me but DJ is a beautiful man and despite how he came into this world he is a part of Bryan and he looks like Bryan I see it and sometimes it's like looking right into Bryans eyes. I just feel like peace will never come until he faces his son at least for me. It's fun I can still remember every single moment and to this day almost puke and burst into tears if I can't escape hearing the song "we didn't start the fire" That song haunts me. I bet he doesn't even remember it. Anyhow I think alot about Bryan this time of year only because it's the turning of age for DJ. I've been told Bryan recently got married and his parents sold the restaurant and retired. I see they still live in the same house though as they always did. A beautiful house by the water. I still remember that place clearly as well:)Hmm got a movie on TV Looks good "Love Thy Neighbour" 2005 Alexandra Paul, Gary Hudson (Mystery, Suspense).The Show Cold Case last night where Lilly investigated a young mom being murdered after having her baby girl in an unwed home had me just crying my eyes out. I don't believe the girl who murdered her ended up being charged though but it wasn't very clear but if she was it would have been PTSD she didn't really know what she was doing. That was why I was crying. Those kinds of shows really get to me. Specially when they are so well acted out. I love that show :)Below are other sites I am on but they are up to you to join *hugs*http://ladyillusions.blogspot.comhttp://clearblogs.com/ladyillusions/http://www.buddy9.com/?49095 You can earn money just by having friends here cool place to check outhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816 One of the most popular sites on the net and even talked about big time on many TV shows and commercials. http://tagged.com/ladyillusions Tagged a site everyone seems to be on, I see alot of family has been joining, Phil and I are both on herehttp://www.obesityhelp.com/member/ladyillusions/ My weightloss surgery site ObesityHelp.com a site for people who have had or are considering weightloss surgeryhttp://www.i89.us/viewuser.php?uname=LadyIllusions A place where I can post my favorite link, I update this periodicallyhttp://www.frappr.com/ladyillusions Frappr a very cool site, lots of cool groups and maps and pictures, a huge amount of us are on this sitehttp://ladyillusions.multiply.com/ Multiply a very fastly growing site and quite a few of us are on it, tons of groups, pics ecthttp://ladyillusions.hi5.com Hi5 Another very popular site with videos, pics, blogs, groups ecthttp://360.yahoo.com/profile-9m_YOaA0baM_P7pVVe27Y_QSrgpu Yahoo 360http://ladyillusions.toadfire.com Toadfire.com a canadian site blog, very actively answeredhttp://yourladyillusions.spaces.live.com MSN Spacehttp://www.friendster.com/91253 Friendsterhttp://LadyIllusions.bebo.com/ Bebo A nice little site with quite a few things being added quite a bit and lastlyhttp://ladyillusions.livejournal.com/ Livejournal my friends and I have been on this site for years:)K I am Off:) the text quoted here automatically.

Join My Website

I'm a CARE Corps Online virtual volunteer.Please visit my Web page athttps://my.care.org/care/advocacy/tenderone-623501 and show yoursupport on behalf of CARE. The fight against poverty can't be won alone, so I invite you tojoin me in taking action on some issues that are very importantto me. Please feel free to pass this message along to any of yourfriends who might also be interested.Sincerely,Angela MacRaeVisit my personal page at:https://my.care.org/care/advocacy/tenderone-623501

Maybe Coming To?

Well I am writing this on Mar 3 and today was a long assed day. Considering I have not really slept. Phil and I spent alot of the night fighting. Then I had to stay up to go to the soccer game. Wow those girls played so well and so hard, that other team needed to be taught how to play for sportsmanship not to hurt people to win is all I have to say. It was nice being at the game but I kinda felt like an outsider around the other parents and they have by the way it sounded and looked money I could only hope to have, and my girls dad only has cause he gets it from mommy and daddy. who needs a sugar momma or dadda huh? I've never had one of those, but I do seem to know quite a few who found their money pockets. Some I think more money than love which is sad isn't it?
Ok I really could give two cripes about what people say but I truly believe Anna Nicole loved her husband and not his money. Hi he found her, she was a playmate for goodness sake she could have her pick, she knew Heffner hello?????? Is everyone stupid? You know she is just better off from her small time past and people were envious and jealous. If you have to belittle her to feel better have at her. Rest in Peace dear sweet lady and may your mother trip off a cliff if she continues to try and desicrate you by digging you and your son up. Soon Anna soon all this will be over and the angels will be all that is remembered.
So I lost my engagement ring, almost lost my other diamond ring too, what the heck? Can my fingers get any fricker smaller? my engagement ring was already a size 4. At 16 my finger was a 5, hello?
Oh I am curious has anyone ever heard of anyone having the symptom of smelling blood on a consistent basis but there is none? Also someone who has always had perfect skin for the most part having bumps appear on the chin along with a dry rash and sometimes itching only on the chin. cutting open the bumps results in a small tiny like pebble and clear fluid being released. Only to grow back within a couple of days? Painful as well? If you have any known reason for what this may be?
Is there anyone else out there who collects the "CLAIRES" trinket boxes they have been putting out for at least a few years? I been collecting them since they started with 90%angel and last year got every box but one, I am so choked. I had missed 2 but one of the store girls gave me hers. Which rocked. Just curious if anyone else has them like me might have the one I might be missing. Some months I buy a few because they relate to my girls. Actually my nephew I gave him my frog one so I replaced it:)
I am not sure what is going on with Brittney Spears but I have to say I do feel for her. I really hope she now gets the help she needs. I think she just had too much too fast and she broke. Different people can take so much right? For those kids of hers I hope she gets well soon. MY thoughts are with her and her family.
Anyhow I will go, this is almost a normal post huh? LOL
I wanna say thanks to my brother for standing behind me when I broke and you know I will break again. Thanks to Sherri for sticking me out all these years. She is the one friend I have known since I was in elementary school. now she has seen some crap:) Lin for still being there to reach out to, and Doug for putting up with me when I get impatient with you, your friendship means alot!
K I am off to watch America Justice :)

So What Happened

So what happened you ask? Well Saturday started out great. Went to my daughters soccer game, got to spend the day with her and my nephew. Even got to see my son. My daughter and I got our hair done together it was just good fun and all in all it was an ok day. But yeah most of you guessed right I was left alone all night for a drunk party with drinking games, and then got huh a new cell phone the next day is it just me or would you think that was a gift out of guilt? Yeah I said don't come home cause I asked you to come home because you want to. But apparently a bunch of drunk chicks is more important.
Oh but that's just the beginning oh yes I got tag teamed oh yeah someone else decided to let me know I am just lower than dirt and not worthy of scheduled time and plans , even though for them they have never had problems having others arrange around their schedule. I guess I was feeling really vulnerable because for the next few days I pretty much had a big breakdown and apparently went somewhat catanoic. Just lost any words any thoughts. I just shut down.
Today is the first day I have been up and normal again.
A person can only take so much before they break. I still feel so hurt and betrayed. But whatever. I now know how worthy I really am right?
Tomorrow is March and snow is falling. Life brings unexpected things and you just gotta take the rolls with the punches. This is the first time I seen my brother so worried about me though. I hate that I worried him because I let a couple of people hurt me so deeply, I am glad he somewhat snapped me out of it and I see the dr again next week....

Every Damn Time

Everytime I feel like the world is a sunnier place, like life just can't go any place but up. Like you can't do anything to hurt me anymore and I will smile despite anything, you always widdle me down. You work on me like a piece of dried up wood and chip away at me until you see there is nothing I can do to fight the knife that carves into me. I close my eyes and feel disgust with rememberance of the things I have let you do to me. So much anger I cannot cry. Not that my tears matter they are yopur trophies anyway and you don't deserve them. Once again you have left me curled up alone and in agony. Left in the dark with my thoughts and you out enjoying the laughter of my pain. I HATE YOU!!! dON'T YOU DARE READ THIS AND CLAIM YOU DON'T KNOW THE GAME YOUR PLAYING AND HAVE PLAYED, THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE, You know. You think your so smooth like the world is wrapped around your story of truth. God you deserve an oscar, you really do. For no one plays the part as well as you. The blade doesn't have much further to go and you'll have it all and no one will question if it was something you did, what a joke, I so fucking hate you, I HATE YOU and everything I let you get away with, God I hate you!

Life Is On The Up

Isn't it funny how life has such up and downs? I mean life seems so wierd for as of late. I am so feeling on a natural high the last few days. I can't stop smiling. I am not totally out of my funk but definetly have a reason to smile :) I feel good inside.
God I even had a nasty fight with Phil earlier and I still got this feel good feeling inside. I can't shake it. Sure I felt bad for the moment we fought but I am over that moment and feel good again. It's like the sun is coming back around where dark clouds hung over me.
Scared though I will loose this good feeling. I forgot how this felt. Makes me want to cry thinking of loosing this feeling again. I admit I been bad about taking my meds too. I am not thinking as clearly, thoughts are rushing together and I am not being as rashional in my thought process. Pretty much everyone has noticed the days I didn't take my meds. I talk faster, I am rushed I am not my calmer more rational self. I am going to have to take them and I know that.
I got tested the other day for hormone levels the doctor thinks that yes I may be entering early menopause. Which so very much sucks. I don't want to take hormones. Thus why I made her do blood tests. I go back in about a week and a half. It is not something we would be surprised about I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and my mother and grandmothers went into early menopause, so grrrrrr. I do not see though a rational of using horse urine for hormone replacement. My doctor says there is other options so we will discuss it all when I go back in.
I got a rose today from Phil. Which is hilarious cause I had just told Doug about how I am always buying myself flowers because no one ever buys me flowers. Phil is not a romantic type and I have had to learn to accept that. But I was happy to get a beautiful red rose today when he got home from work. He also finally went to see his neice today. I have been on his case to see her on a daily basis. Just bothered me so much that he had not gone to see her. Even had me crying begging him to please go see her. I admit I have not seen her, have seen her beautiful pictures but is still hard for me to be around babies. Phil said he would understand it if I lost my own baby but Alden was not mine. Still I have for the most part moved on in life but those first moments holding babies is still a little hard for me. I imagine it always will be, I imagine more with girls than boys.
I saw DJ on his bday got him McDonalds. Did not see him for very long but was nice to see him for those moments and to buy him that and to see him wearing what I bought him:)
Anyhow pretty happy right now:)
I am also curious those of you out there who are also bi-polar have you done the Myers Briggs Test? In an online support group I am on many of us, most of us have scored as INFP and some ENFP. Oddly enough most of the time I was ENFP but am now INFP. So am curious are there more of you out there? Speak up I am so curious. This is a post I wrote to the group feel free to answer it:
I used to be extremely ENFP but now test INFP as well. It really does beg to wonder if it does have something to do with being BP
I also have a question about meds. Is anyone close to being on the meds I am on? I take 60mg of celexa, 150mg of topimax, 15mg of zopiclone, & 500 mg oferoquel a day. It's broke up throught the day in bubble packs. Now I am having trouble with sleep I am tired sometimes for days then can't sleep for days. They are also testing me for early menopause and want to add me onto hormones and I am concerned about that. Anyone else out there that can tell me if they are in the same prediciment?
Angela
Victoria BC Canada
Before I go once again here is my favorite quotes with some new added ones. I do have to say I been getting alot of quotes from the show "CRIMINAL MINDS" it is one of my favorite parts of the show. I love the show too it rocks but I love the quotes:)Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousFamily is not an important thing, it's everything. Michael J. Fox Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert PinesIf there must be trouble let it be in my day, that my child may have peace.-Thomas PaineHe who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes. Buddha Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. Mother Teresa don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support. Anna Nicole Smith
Off for now peoples....

Did The Idiot Have His Eyes Shut?

I am so damned pissed right now. I wonder how often this happens. I am 34yrs old and I get what my kids call granny packages. My meds are put out in weekly packages and the pharmascist puts them in daily bubble packs and breaks each pill into it's package. Well the idiot who put this weeks together put pills where they didn't belong and even beyond that forgot to add my meds that help me FUCKING SLEEP! Am I pissed yes just a little bit. Did the guy fricken close his eyes as he did it? I mean all the meds are marked right on the top package. Old people might just take it and think something isn't quite right. Me I am not so nice. Trust me I will not be a happy camper when I see the pharmascist tomorrow!!! IDIOT!!!! I saw Doug today and fricken crazy lady Penny interrupts our nice conversation. She better watch herself because I tried to call her she is damned lucky she never answered that phone because I had more than a few words to say to her and I am more than ready to kick her motherfuckin ass!!! Get it through your head bitch he wants nothing to do with you. He despises the looks and sounds of you Penelope so fuck off before I make you fuck off. Don't cross me bitch! Really when you start stalking a guy and leaving messages like "you'll be sorry" she actually said that in her high pitched horrific voice, I wanted nothing more than to show her who will be sorry. I am sick of women treating him like a fucking doormat. Like he thinks he has to join a gym work out kill himself so he can take pictures to send these bitches of his built body. Get over it. They don't deserve you seriously.I saw a pic of Cindy. She's pretty, pretty in his past. Another one I would like to tell where therefore. God he can be really cold the things he says about chicks when he doesn't like them anymore.What I don't get is why Kath is giving him the cold shoulder I mean how do you turn on someone who stuck by you over so many many many years. I don't think that will last. The pic he has of her is pretty too. God he has a soap opera of life going on around him it's hard to believe he is going on 45yrs old. Was nice to see him though and I have really enjoyed our conversations as of late. He gets me and he listens to me and he doesn't make me feel stupid and it was nice to hear him tell me I looked real pretty today. I shouldn't have said I didn't feel pretty but I don't feel very pretty anymore. Phil is frustrated his work hours are cut down. He is wanting to work more. He seems to be a little more clingy as of late. I am not sure what to think. One minute I feel like I am fungas to him, the next he tells me he loves me. I just never know how to be around him. It always feels more aqward than natural as of late. He just seems to dislike so much about me, and then in the same breathe says I love you. Love what, what about me you hate do you love? I had a talk with my brother tonight. He pointed out to me that I used men as a drug and the hyperness at one point as a drug and the attention with friends as a drug and it wore off and now I have lost what I had found as a drug. That's why I am letting life pass me by and if I keep going the way I am I will die from the inside out and it will be a long painful drawnout death and that is what he sees for me right now if I don't find something to grab onto. Everything before was all a drug and this right now is a sort of drug but I have held onto alot I can pull up at any minute or time a hurt or past thing and feel it like that moment and when I get mad at teachers it's not the kids teacher but my past teachers. I admit that is somewhat true. He also pointed out some of the ways I am with my daughter and I reneed to think how I say things to her and about her and around her. It's easy to say it hard to change it. I want to change it. Doug said I am much more subdued and not bubbly anymore, everyone says that. Hard when your told how horrible you are daily. Really is. However I grew up hearing it and managed to do it. I don't know, I know I do angry the best. I do sad real well. I hurt deep and I envy those who don't but I can't figure out how you all get past that hurt and sad feeling, that would fix everything...

Competition Among The Young

You find it so hard to watch your children in some situations. You try to make sports fun. But even in making it fun it still find hurt and you just want to fix it for them. It not only hurts them it hurts the parents who watch the kids hurt. It hurts more when they are told oh we will do this for you, and you are guaranteed to get this and be here and oh no you didn't or no there had to be a change and the saddeness that comes over them. You try to pick up their broken hearts. You try to tell them next time but when next time keeps coming and they fail again where do you go from there?
Sports is competitive there just is no way around it. In soccer there is even levels, gold the best, silver and then bronze. I did not know about gold until we already had my daughter signed up. This summer we are going for gold because it's what she wants, but part of me fears that rejection. She was sure she was playing gold for last competitions but she got put on silver and she is so upset because she was told she was being recommended for gold.
I don't know if it was just the way I played sports when I was younger or if things have really changed but I don't remember things being so hard and competitive when it's supposed to just be fun.
My other daughter feels so let down because they worked their butts off for cheerleading competition and got all their tumble routines done right and still got 4th place when they did worse last time and were higher placed. Apparently different people judging. Some judges are harder than others. In cheerleading I think it's harsh. I don't remember our cheerleaders having it so strict. She can't cut her hair, has to have no real colouring to her hair. No piercings. No nail polish no nothing pretty much. Every little thing wrong with them causes deductions in their scores. Some coaches are really harsh some are a little less but still way more strict then I remember and the cost is over the roof.
I went to Widdifield High I believe our school had something like 35 cheerleaders on our team. Out here in BC cheerleading is a recreational thing. It is not something schools are really involved with. Which I find so sad. I think it would have done alot for her to have that at school.
Her sister is lucky because she is a major jock she is on the track and field and basketball and soccer team. The teachers ask her to do artwork for things. Jocks generally will always have a groupie of friends. My cheerleader is much less personality then her. She is really struggling at her fathers and I am seriously considering bringing her back home. I told her we will see how the summer goes.
DJ is just a natural friend of everyone. Never been into sports. Always hoped he would be. His dad was a jock. Just not that type of boy. He is a gamer and a techie more a gamer. He likes movies and games. He is awesome with kids. So proud of him making leader this summer. So so proud. His dad worked at summer camps too so it's one thing he would have in common with Bryan. He though has always made friends wherever he has gone, never had a problem making friends. He loves to laugh and have fun and he can be deep when needed. He thinks ALOT! I think he will be a really wonderful adult. I can see how much he's grown just in the past year. He's not a little boy anymore. Hard to believe in 2 days he will be 16yrs on the 20th:) The year of learning to drive I told him:)
So I really am curious how do other parents deal with their kids and competition? How do you hide your own heartache and help them with yours? Sometimes I want to scream and say wtf? I have had to seperate myself and let Phil go with Sarah to soccer. I do get rather worked up. So they have that as a bond. But even with that I still get worked up. Hearing either of my girls disappointment and feeling like the coaches aren't doing them right it hurts and I really do suffer with keeping my mouth shut. I have however took it out on Phil. It's not fair to do that but I can get mad about it to him and get mad when he sticks up for the reasons. I mean he gets upset too but he does try to see the reason behind it and I use that to pounce on him. I know I am doing it when I am doing it but I just feel so frustrated.
With the schools when things happen I am the parent that the teachers get to know real well. I can be their nightmare. My kids have even said ok mom backoff, enough. I don't think enough people take the crap that happens at school seriously. I had alot happen to me at school and I have alot of anger and resentment and still can cry about certain events and I will NEVER allow that shit to happen to my kids. Some teachers think they are entailed to the world. Not with my kids, not with me around. Phil fights with me about that too. He thinks I am too hard on the teachers. But I don't care, no one will ever do what they did to me or my brother for that matter. Mr.Lisk he did something to me that took me years to talk about and wh3en I finally did I cried and cried and cried. I despise him and what he did was abuse.
There need to be more teachers like Mrs.Yates, and Mrs.White two of my favorite teachers in school. Mr.Lisk, Mr.Mosier both military school teachers in Kingston Ontario were bad teachers but Mr.Lisk what he got away with I am still scarred with and I still cry about and I am now 34 that was grade 4 or 5. It was an abuse of power I hate him!!! K I gotta go now am crying...

Anna Nicole Smith

Please someone tell me they are as sick of Anna's mother as I am. I swear to God the woman is just so damn happy to have her little girl dead. Now she can do what she couldn't when she was alive. Who the hell does she think she is fucking fooling? Not only that but why the hell are the media giving her the pulpit to do it on? Anytime they do get a strong point in Anna's favour with her mother, her mother strikes back with she was on drugs and we were talking blah blah blah. What a crock of shit!!! Her mother needs to crawl back into the hole she came out of. Who does she think she is fooling? We all see what your after woman, seriously!!! I started shaking today when I heard her mother is trying to get claim to Anna's body and have her buried in Texas. What the hell is wrong with her. Let her be buried in the bahamas, let her be buried next to Daniel. I think she only wants to bury Anna in Texas sheerly out of SPITE! That is a sick sick woman! I am very glad that Howard is keeping Danny Lynn from her and I hope he keeps her from her FOREVER!
I am not a huge fan of his and I think there may be some truth to what some people have said about him, but if he is the only one who will keep that precious little girl away from that wicked witch Virgie then I hope for him to be proven to be the real father.
I cannot believe all these men coming out to say they could be the dad. Wouldn't it be something if none of them turned out to be her dad. Wouldn't it just blow everyone's minds if it turned out to be Daniel's child and that is what led to this tragic string of events. That would be so very very sad in so many ways :'(
We can only use our imaginations based on what we have seen in magazines, TV, and news though right. I mean we only get the parts of the story that they open up to us. Still I think Anna would hate what her mother is trying to do right now and I believe her mother knows that and it only makes her want to do more, that's my take.
I did write Rita Crosby today at MSNBC and this is what I wrote:
"I am deeply deeply deeply saddened by the loss the world has had in losing Anna Nicole Smith. I think she was a natural beauty and had alot of real strengths.The crap being spewed from people's mouths both by so called family friends and of course some media is deeply offense to me. However that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this because I am curious as to why no one has questioned if the father could have been her own son? I mean we hear over and over that they had an overly close relationship, maybe a little too close. I hate even thinking it could have happened but these things have been known to happen.
Perhaps Daniel could not handle that secret, maybe it was too much and he took his life. I've also had the thought that perhaps Howard found out and held it over their heads. Perhaps it was too much for Daniel and Anna, ormaybe what some are saying is true Howard did play a hand in their last moments in life. I really don't think it is that far off to speculate that this could have happened. I am just wondering why no one else has thought about this and brought it out into the open. I do think if it did turn out to be true Daniel was the father Howard knew/knows and it got him where he is today.
I am not saying that cause I don't like him either. I mean I would love him to turn out to be that father becauseI think it is absolute crap that Anna's mother get anywhere near Danny. The lady is still bad mouthing her daughter. Anytime she is asked about having rights or asked a tough question she throws out the fact Anna was on drugs. She expects us to believe Anna was calling her ect. Hogwash what a load. I have actually cried over watching people do that to Anna. May she rest in peace God Bless her soul.
One more thing that also I find interesting is that Anna gave her baby her son's namesake. Once again I ask why is no one asking the question could he be the dad?
Anyhow thanks for reading this and God bless Anna and Daniel and may Danny know who her daddy is real soon:)
Your awesome RITA"

LOST:myself known as Angela aka:LadyIllusions

If found please return as personality is dearly missed. You will know her by her bubbly, very outgoing personality. Always the one talking and the one who predicts children who are to be. Is a scorpio and loves the colours red, black and burgandy. Was found to be strongly ENFP on the myers Briggs tests and also Concrete Random and Abstract Random. Loves to be amongst her friends and shopping. Is always on the phone, or gabbing on IM's. A total flirt without trying. Loves to dress alluringly and casually. Does have bouts of depression but can usually snap out of it amongst her many friends.
Last seen 3-4 years ago in the Victoria BC area. Sadly missed and not sure how to get her back. Perhaps needs a friendship intervention. If found please return, thanks :) Her friends are missed too, household is an eary quiet unless there is fighting and yelling, so seeing this again would be wonderful!
So Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Doesn't look like there was an overdose which I would refuse to believe she did anyhow. I am horrified that so many close to her have said they are shocked but not surprised. Also saying she was a little hoare and all kinds of nasty things about her. How dare they speak ill of the dead? I believe she loved the men in her life. I know she loved her kids. I believe in my heart that Daniel and her death is linked together. If all 3 of these guys claiming to be Danny Lynn's dad prove not to be, I have this thought that keeps going through my mind. I don't want to think it and I love her dearly but is it possible she crossed the line with her son and Danny might be his? I mean they were so close and maybe just maybe an accident happened. Maybe it was too much for him to handle he couldn't take it. God makes me want to cry to say that. I have not heard any media say that so it's probably just me watching too many soaps. I know she loved Daniel so much. I am glad she is in heaven with her baby boy. I just feel so bad for her daughter Danny Lynn. I am glad Howard is saying he won't let Anna's mom get near her as long as he is living and breathing. Some media think he should. Hello are you fricken nuts? She was horrible to Anna and they were estranged. WHY IN HELL'S NAME SHOULD THAT WOMAN GET ANYTHING FROM HER? Hearing the thought of her getting to Danny makes me cry till my eyes are red. It's not right. She has always and now still is trying to get notariety off her daughters name, screw you woman. Let her be let her rest, PLEASE! There is in memory of Anna http://www.annanicole.com and you can leave remarks to the family in the guestbook online at http://www.legacy.com look up Anna Nicole Smith. We lost an angel in Anna. I have cried so much since I found out she died. I wish people would stop saying mean things about her. She's dead now why can't they just leave her alone?
Phil still has still not gone to see his neice. I have gotten into it with him a few times now about him going to see Aryanna. I never got to see my neice before she died I don't get why he wouldn't rush to see her. I know he's angry I can't have his kid. So so so angry. He hates me for it. What can I do though? I hate that I can't give him that and when he cuts into me about it I just feel so incomplete and unworthy of him.
I see my doctor on the 19th. I am asking her to do a blood test to check my hormone levels. It appears I may be going into early menopause. That is what is causing so many of these symptoms right now. The ones I hate most is the constantly being hot, the muscle pain, and the insomnia. This last 3 days I am lucky to have gotten 3-4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes are so dry and sore. It sucks. I take sedatives good sedatives and even they are not helping!Which reminds me if you were incapacitated either by meds or drinking ect do you think it's alright for your significant other to be with you sexually? Would that answer vary if the person who is incapacitated wanted it but didn't remember wanting it the next day? I have a sedative that I don't remember the next day what happened after I took it. Zopiclone. I watched a show where some guy was using it as a date rape drug. It is a sedative but in some people it causes temporary memory loss. I am just curious on the morality of peoples thoughts. It would be great if you would take a moment and answer that for me :)
I have great news. I saw DJ he was here for a few hours. He even let me take pictures. He took his sister to the movies and dinner. We supplied the money. I mean you can still feel the strain but you have no idea how happy I am to have been close to my baby boy. I don't know what it is. This bond I have with DJ is different than the bond I have with the girls. Maybe it's cause he was my first, almost died and he's my only son. I just love him so much and I worry about him. He's a good boy and a smart boy and very good looking.
My girls I have a bond too. Actually everyone thinks I favour Sarah. I am very protective of her, but my family and Michael's family don't give her the attention they give to Mary, so I feel like I have to make up for what she lacks from them. Mary is the one I have the hardest time with. She likes to smother people to death. I hate being smothered by anyone. I feel like I can't breathe. Even the guys I have been with I hate being smothered. I need my space. I think I push Phil away alot actually he seems to pick the worst times to want to pull me close and I feel like my skin is crawling. Which of course starts war. There's been so many times where I was needing to be close but I will ask him to come here and usually he will yell why and that busts the mood and I go to bed.
I talked to Doug the other night. I actually hung up the phone in tears. I am so fricken sick of women treating men like they are next weeks garbage. He is back in the gym busting his fricken butt to be a "GOD" because all women see is him being short, fat and bald. He is 44yrs old. Trust me he is nicely built and he is not ugly another thing he gets called. Cindy pulled a real shit ass game on him and she is lucky I don't hunt her down and kick her ass. The same shit happens to Phil. Phil right now is on a huge weightloss kick, buying a whole new wardrobe, got his hair cut, and is always out. He has to do all that to get girls to look at him. See me I could give 2 shits. I fall for someone who can make me laugh, intrigue me. Carry on a conversation-seriously!
I really miss the days when I always had somewhere to go, friends to call on, didn't feel stupid and belittled. *tears* I can't help everyday wondering who really needs me here anymore? I am so damn tired of crying by myself. Feeling so all alone. I hide out in my room and just think, think, think, think, think. I wish there was something that could make me stop thinking. I wish I could be my happy, bubbly self again. If I try to talk to Phil sometimes he listens but usually it gets to the point where he says in a little louder voice "OK OK OK" which is code for shut up. I am too excitable and I go on about my interests too much and so I have tried to train myself to hold back. I hate it when I forget and I start to get excited, because inevitably I will hear "OK OK OK". Then I feel stupid and ashamed and like once again I was out of control, and if I haven't already I will look to see if I had taken my shut up pills. That's what I call them. Cause I have to take my meds 4 times a day. I usually get excitable if I forgot to take them. So I apologize and say sorry I will go take my shut up pills now. *tears* :'(
Anyhow off for now

A Mixed Up Potful Of Thoughts

So a beautiful little girl has been born to Colin and Nikki. Arianna. Congradulations of having a new neice goes out to Crystal, Desiree, Colleen, JC, Rick, Liz, and Phil. Congradulations on being a grandparent to Anne, John and Liz:) Enjoy this beautiful new little girl in your lives. Another surgery is upcoming for Phil's dad he will once again need the angels to surround him and prayers to surround him in white light on March 23rd. He is a good man and we want him to come through this well, he is a very strpongly loved man. I have a hard time being around babies, I get flashbacks to my neice. My brother lost her to SIDS and I never got to see her alive. I saw her for the first time in a casket and held her in my arms cold. It is something I have a hard time not flashing back to when I see tiny babies. It has gotten easier over time but still hard for me and I tend to avoid the scenerio if I can which I am sure others don't really understand. I also have a hard time seeing sick children at any age. Even on TV I will cry to almost puking kind of crying. My son was very ill as a baby. Doctors wouldn't listen to me until he almost died, at 3 weeks of age they finally kept him when he stop breathing in front of the doctor. They phoned that night and said he wouldn't make it through the night. I will never forget seeing him hooked up to tubes and tied down and them rushing him off to Children's Hospital. I was still a kid myself. I was a teen mother. I refused to go with him, I couldn't handle watching him die on me. He was in hospital over 2 months, spent his first mothers day and Easter in hospital. He is now a huge remarkably healthy young man. I hated his dad Bryan and his family they hung up on us when we asked for their medical family history. His mom did call to say asthma was in the family though. I couldn't believe they were so cold. I was not the easiest teen to have. I didn't drink or do drugs but I sure hung out with the guys who did. I was not a slut but people sure thought I was and was called as such :( Highschool does not hold alot of good memories for me. I wouldn't redo highschool for anything. My first suicide attempt was at 16. I overdosed on nytol sleeping pills. I wanted my mother to listen to me and she wouldn't, I told her I would kill myself she said go right ahead so that's what I did. It was not a pleasant experience. My dad ripped me apart. After that I went to live with my grandmother for a bit. But then my mom guilted me to go back home which is not what I wanted to do I hated it there. I was happy at that time though cause I had Kevin. The one and only guy I felt treated me so good. I really truly loved him. I was ripped apart when his dad sent him back to Newfoundland with his mother. We even tried to get pregnant so we wouldn't have to be seperated but it never worked. Bryan came along after that. Oddly enough my parents liked him. I had dumped him because he made moves I didn't want. But he swore he wouldn't do that again. I finally gave in and went out with him again. Not long after my whole life was changed because I got pregnant with my son. Bryan got to go on in his life he went to study in France for a year. Me my dad kicked me out onto the street. Funny how one night can change a persons whole life. Yeah that's right one night.... Anyways yeah I do have a huge hard time letting go of the past. My kids know that, my brother bugs me about that and Phil hates that. I can remember conversations from years ago word for word and what I wish I would have said or done. I can still cry about it, get angry about it, feel each and every emotion. Apparently it's normal for bipolar people to do this. I hate it. It would be great if I could forget everything like I do the huge traumas I have been able to black out. Cause I do have big missing chunks missing from my life and sometimes I despise that, but maybe knowing what I know it's better that way :) Oh I was told last night that Bryan was recently married and his parents Don and Mary recently sold their business and retired. Wow must be nice huh? I was telling my mom last night about this ring I remember Bryan having. It was a gold ring with I believe a blue stone his dad had given it to him because he thought he might like it. Wouldn't it be great if he finally met with DJ and passed it down to him? I have always made sure DJ knew Bryan was his dad. I never wanted my kids to think of anyone as their dad but their own dad. I just think it is wrong to do so. He looks just like his dad too, I have always told him that. I tell him people think he looks like me but if they saw him and Bryan they would see how remarkably he looks like his dad :) I was so choked Criminal Minds I watched on the weekend part one of Revelations and was supposed to be part 2 on tuesday and it didn't come back on till wednesday. OMG I was NOT HAPPY! I have to say that was the best Episode of CRIMINAL MINDS I have seen yet! Thanks so much for making it. OMG I was so shocked to realize what was going on at the end of part 1. You so have to check it out. I am so far very disappointed with Dr.Phil their 5 part series on MAN CAMP in the Dr.Phil House. 2 parts so far and all I have seen is more damage than good. Like seriously. I see divorce coming for 2 couples instead of help. Like OMG it is so bad. How is this helping cause I don't see it. I took my daughter years ago to Jenny Jones for Boot Camp, that was pretty much a joke. It really didn't do much. All it does is get them ratings. I mean they didn't go to bootcamp and if you want them to go to bootcamp you had to pay thousands to send them. Its pretty much come on the show tell your story make it look good and then leave and never hear back! Yeah thanks for the help-NOT! I won a makeover on a show here locally. I got to go to Aveda I believe it's called. They cut off all my hair and coloured it and did my makeup. That was kinda cool. I really need a full makeover though and don't really want to have my haircut all off :'( What I would really love is a mother daughter makeover, that would be such a great bonding experience :) I watched an Episode of Touched By An Angel that guest starred one of my favorite singers Wynonna Judd she sang a song on the show they called the 151st Psalm I want that song and I want it sung by her. That show had me crying all the way through it. Was so so so hard to watch! I also watched A Movie On IFC channel Called SOCIETY'S CHILD(2001) Starring Jessica Steen and Kyley Statham(Drama, 95 mins) About a Girl and her mother who get a close bond because the daughter has Rett Syndrome. Apparently only found in girls and not yet found to have a cure. I want to know more about this. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have something like Rett's. It was an eye opening movie A documentary done by MSNBC that is interesting called THE FACE IN THE MIRROR is very interesting as well. About a guy and his twin who were medically mistreated. There is also a book The True Story of John/Joan his brother ended up killing himself from depression overdosing on his antidepressants I believe in 2001. I discussed that with Phil one day. I find it somewhat interesting that antidepressants can kill a depressed person. I always read the sheets that come with the meds and I noticed that my one med actually says an overdose will cause one to go into acoma and can potential kill. Well what a thing to give someone who is suicidal. A sheet telling them if you want to die just swallow all these pills and you will probably succeed. How bout that? I have made the comment God doesn't want me and neither does satan. I have tried suicide so many times and it never has worked. God even taking 200 T1's and 50 gravol all that did was make me sick and I never went to hospital. Several times I have done shit like that. I have marks from cutting myself when younger. I have been pumped and stitched. I have had that stupid syrup of ipacac too much. I just seem to be like a timex I take a lickin and keep on tickin. Go fricken figure. Obviously something is meant for me to fulfill here. ALthough I can't see what that could possibly be Oh man last night I watched another documentary about tattoos Paul Booth rocks so much. It's no surprise he has a 2 year waiting list. He works in New York City too. There is a tat I would specifically love him to do but man like I would ever get that lucky to have him do a tat for me :"( Bruce Kaplan He's a pretty sexy Tattoo artist too huh? Yummy:) I have something to say about the stupid munchems commercials STOP THE STUPID COMMERCIALS I SEE EVERY SINGLE THING!!!!! Whole man am I the only person who thinks it is stupid? http://www.munchemsmagic.ca Oh I also say screw you to the degree little black dress approved commercials. I am tired of them putting down Secret. I use Secret Platinum lavendar splash and it is the only stuff I will use. It is even gynecologist tested from what I understand. I get no white marks either. I never felt dry in degree, sorry! When it comes to makeup, the only makeup I use is covergirl. They were the first ones to have lipstick that stuck for hours. I have been stuck to that lipstick since and I use only them for everything else. I am your true easy breezy beautiful coveer girl .I did a whole bunch of laundry and my brother was like so pro about it. Phil was too and then he got all on me for Sarah having too many clothes and he just went on and on I told him to shut up a few times. Then the next day he does it again. I tell him to shut up again. I later cry and think to myself what the hell was the point? Why do I bother, I should of just left it!Just me and Sarah again right now. I am so used to be alone now a days. Oh he lost his contract at work today, so he is not sure when or what his next one is. Oh and last night he got on my case because both his brothers have a kid and his sister has a kid and I don't love him enough to give him a kid. Uhm I had a partial hysterectomy. I have ovaries and I hear they are still viable but what the hell am I supposed to do. I told him fucking cut me open then and take them, go make babies with Ashley I don't care. I was fixed years before I met him. All my kids were high risk. He says I won't have his kid cause I am a bitch and don't love him. It rips me apart. How do I make a baby from thin air? He makes me feel incomplete as a woman. I should have never gotten fixed. I should have suffered with the endometriosis. He deserves to have his own child. But how do I do that? Man I am so tired right now and feeling so weak and my legs are still so sore and stiff. Knees down and feet are so stiff. like I stretch them and stretch out my toes and curl them and it still is so umfortable. I hate it!

Forgotten What Happiness Is

Before I begin I have to say Phil about freaks on me for every entry I put in here. He says my entries are warped and one sided. Well hmmm considering it is how I feel and think it should be one sided. I can't begin to think for others now very well can I? Pretty sure everyone writes from their point of view. I write from exactly how I see it and feel it and if he doesn't like it maybe he should rethink how he is with me. We talked the other night. I told him I do believe he knows love, oh he does. He loves his transformers. He commits each one to memory he never complains about their cost and upkeep. He dedicates time to them each and every day. They are in his heart, his mind his life. That is love. He truly loves his transformers more than I have seen him commit love to anyone or anything else. In fact yesterday he bought another transformer without a second thought. I even failed myself and bought him two tiny classics the other day. I know I know I swore I wouldn't. But it's the only time I see his eyes light up and he is so happy and there was only one of each of them. I should have stayed away from them. I was doing so good. I put them down 4 times before finally giving in. I had 3 but bought 2. He is really into collecting the classics. The movie comes out this summer man the colling is going to go crazy then. I got him the movie optimus for christmas. I think it says 6 things and I believe it is a classic but I am not quite sure.
I got a shirt that has grumpy bear on it says get off my cloud:) I love grumpy bear I want one but we can't seem to locate one in any of the stores, like do they have something against grumpy bear or what? I want to find the lamb friend too for my daughter cause I collect lambs for her, ya know for the name Mary had a little lamb. I got her one lamb that is a little girl dressed up as a lamb that sings the song. LOL it's kinda creepy:) It's not easy to find lambs they are easier to find around easter,m the rest of the year they kind of disappear. I wish I could find her a kitchen and bedroom set for her hopechest:(
Sarah collects soccer stuff she has some pretty rare soccer stuff, as if I see something different I buy it if I have it because soccer stuff tends to disappear quite quickly. DJ used to like Bob Marley stuff but not sure if he still does.
I collect pushback buttons and pins and have been collecting them since I was in grade 3 I have lots from all over canada, parts of the USA and England London. I wish I could get alot more. I mean it's cheap for people to gert them for me, most places have them free somewhere. Or a couple of bucks. I also collect victorian stuff, vampire stuff, skulls, I have one of each of the characters I like except I have a few left like grumpy bear, the grinch and a few others. I like to do felt posters. I love cameos but am more interested in the blkack and white ones which I am having a lot harder time finding I like the smaller ones. I really really really really want a black and white ring a small one and even on ebay have not found one:(I had earing but when Phil moved out he "lost" them I was so upset I am still hurt deeply over that those earing meant the world to me they were white gold black and white small cameo earing and he "lost" them :'( I never got over that and never will :'( still makes me cry. We waited so long for them to come in Man I miss those earings :'(
Friday I went out alone. Yep alone. Oh man I was so wet and soaked, I felt like the world was all closed in but I did it. I did it to go get DJ's special bday gift. I had to go pick it up from being done. I so hope he will love his gift. I miss him so much. I cannot stop thinking about DJ. It's hard to believe my baby will be 16 so soon. I wonder if his dad is realizing his son is 16 yrs old soon. Bryan really should reach out if not now at least in a few years when he reaches age. DJ needs to know his dad. He deserves that. DJ has not had the easiest of lives and I think about that all the time. Through so much he is a wonderful young man he really is. Gorgeous too :)
I am worried about one of my daughters she is dealing with some bullies at school. What is it with females and bullying in school now a days? I can't help but worry on a daily basis hoping each day everything will be ok. That today won't be a bad day that it won't get really out of control. It's just not right!
Yesterday Phil was going to go out but not know what time he was going to get home. He wouldn't take Sarah. I decided I would get up and we would all get up. Phil took us to Boston Pizza that just reopened from renovations. We were not impressed with service or anything else to say the least! Then we went to Tillicum mall and we got 10 for 10 dollars and 2 of the new collector containers. This year is cupcakes with birthstones in them. I have been collecting the containers from CLAIRES since 2000 and something the first one I collected was 90% angel and been collecting them ever since. Last year we got every single container but one. One lady gave me the teddy bear container and that has left me missing 1 container. That so chokes me. So I guess we will see if we can collect them all this year. They made it this year you have to buy 10 dollars in stuff or pay 6.99 a piece if you buy $10 in stuff they are .99cents. A new one comes out every month. My kids love CLAIRES so we do frequent that store ALOT!
Then Phil took us to Silvercity and we watched "The Messengers" AWESOME MOVIE, VERY WELL DONE 4 STARS, 3 THUMBS. I am very picky with movies I love this movie. I want to see the new movie Jim Carrey is coming out in "23" That looks really awesome. Phil told me I was wrong it wasn't him and doesn't look like him and still insist it doesn't but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA it is Jim Carrey! Looks like a really awesome movie:) I want to see "Ghost Rider" too it looks good. Of Course ZODIAC is coming out as well. I am a lover of Robert Downey JR whew hoo been waiting for this one. Not to mention I have watched so many things about the Zodiac Killer. I am fascinated by Murderers I like to know what makes them tick. I wanna know what it is that they think and why do they think it. I wonder more deeply though. I wonder about their families more about their mothers. I really truly believe the way a child relates to a parent has alot to do with how they relate to others when they grow up. Has media shown people how they always trample down the parents door of the villian. I mean always and not just a parent of someone who adopts or fosters they always have to track down the blood parents. Like somehow the blood is the key.
Being a parent who has struggled with parenting I wonder alot will that happen to me? Will I have to try and defend myself? Will I have to try and concieve of a reason why maybe something happened with one of mine? I often find myself feeling bad for the families of these villians but also find myself crying for the villians. I refuse to believe anyone is all bad. I just refuse to believe it. My dad knows that about me. He used to tell me that would get me in trouble one day. He told me not everyone is good and I can't save everyone. I refuse to believe that. There has to be a logical reason for everything, I truly believe that.
Just like with Phil there is a reason why he clings to this child like quality. The reason he plays with these"toys" is because he is stuck in a place he refuses to come out of but believes he is out of. I can't say what it is but trust me if you knew more about him, his life you would understand some of his child like behaviour. Like most men he won't look at things like many of us women do. That's all I have to say about that!
I heard from Doug the other night on MSN. I was SHOCKED! I told him I was shocked as I understood it things with him and Cindy were fantastic and as far as I was concerned he wanted nothing to do with me. So I had no intention on writing him or calling him. He said that would never be true. Cindy apparently is like many sag's she is onto the next new thing. Yes Doug and I are very much into astrology we are both scorpios. That is one of the reasons I much enjoy just talking to him for like ever because we talk about astrology, just talk and talk and talk about astrology. I mean we seem to have always been able to talk about anything and everything because we seem to agree about a variety of subjects. I have always found him so fascinating that I could never imagine any lady not being intrigued and lured in by him. I can understand why Penny is so relentless. He can't seem to shake her off at all! So I am not sure what is up with Doug, my msn is not working properly so after he went to forage for food I didn't talk to him again.
It's funny I went out yesterday only because I pretty much figured I was expected to say no again and I did at first. But when Sarah was refused. I decided to go. Phil said it was a pretty good day. No fighting felt pretty good. I told him I only went because he expected me not to. I also said had I seen DJ then it would have been a good day. Till then my days pretty much just run in together. Phil said I can't think like that. I have other people to think about. Maybe I do but that is how I feel most days. I went out. I did try to have a sort of happy aura but in my heart I wasn't happy. My heart has no light on. Someone is there but the lights are off:(
Pain is becoming too much for me. I have so much pain chronically now in my feet, my lower legs, my shoulders, my lower back and my hands and from inner elbow to inner wrist. I never know from one day to the next if I am going to be heaving. I some days am so starving which is rare and then go days can barely eat or drink. I am always wanting something for pain. Codiene 1's are my friend. Gravol now as well because T1's are now making me feel ill. I am way more tired than I ever used to be. Some days it takes all I have to get up. When I do go out I am so exhausted by the time I get home. Phil asked me if I didn't feel good being out all day I was like NO I am so tired. I mean it is nice to have the air on my face and be out with my kid be among people for a bit but I get so exhausted. He doesn't get it. My brother doesn't get it. The differenece my brother doesn't get on me. He actually only says things to me when I do something positive. It feels good. He applauds me just for getting up. I know it sounds stupid to some but actually makes me feel a little better and brighter. Phil rarely does that, he pushes me to do more, if you can do this do this and this and this. I understand he is frustrated he is doing alot. I do mean alot. I can only imagine that frustration.
What I wouldn't give to have a few days to surprise him and get a whole bunch done. I wish I could get a home maker. They don't give that to disability people anymore. They used to. I don't understand why it is gone now.
I am making cajun chicken, lipton butter and herbs and corn for dinner. Phil is apparently gone to work though till 12am. He said he wanted to stay overnight at the hospital and come home tomorrow but he is going to come here at midnight instead. But once again I am here alone. We're waiting on his brother and Nikki to have baby. She was due Feb 1st. But still no word as of yet. At the same time his dad is going to be having surgery at some point and he is going to need prayers. Things may not go as well for him. I believe he has angels around him though and God is holding his hand. He has come this far. I love his parents so much they are wonderful people :)
I don't know how the government works everywhere but I don't get why our BC government here in canada will force mothers to go after fathers for child support if they are on welfare. The only way not doing so is if they don't know who is the parent or if there is an issue of danger. You either go after them or don't get a cheque. Then you go to court you finally get a ruling are registered with family maintence the fathers are having wages garnished and taxes, so chances of not getting paid are pr4tty good. That's great. Well is it? The mother never really gets a dime because at least in BC the system takes that minatence off their cheque dollar for dollar. So the child is really no better off. Doesn't matter if your on disability either the rules still apply. On disability you are allowed to make a small amount of income but maintence is not part of that allowable income. Who thought this up? Who thought it would be great to have the mothers have the money for their kids taken away from them? Basically what it comes down to is dad is paying the government isn't it?
Another thing that upsets me is people labelling their children with things they don't have just so they can get moeny for their kids. One of my child has been found to have invisable disabilities and has to get alot of extra help in school. Her grandparents pay for help outside of school. Something she unlike alot of other kids is very lucky to be able to have. Apparently if you don't get a diagnoses from a doctor and queen alexndria hospital here where we are in BC canada under the umbrella of autistim or variation of that therof you pretty much cannot get funding. I find this really unfair. Me being Bipolar is also an invisable disablity, but has been proven very dibilitating to many people and their families among other mental disabilities.
My one child was hit by a car at school, but because my child has been in 2 other accidents we cannot prove that the injuries that my child suffers from now and continually suffers from are from this accident alone. We all know this accident is the cause. I have alot of anger concerning this accident. Nothing was dealt with properly and I hate seeing the pain even a couple years later it's ridiculous. It has only gotten worse and not better! We do have until age 19 to fight it and still might.
I forgot I also collect anything having to do with being a scorpio. I am a very proud scorpio baby, I think we are the sign to beat:) We so totally rock. If you read my blog enough you'll wonder how me and Phil get along as you'll know he is a VIRGO and those who unlike him believe like Doug and I in astrology Virgos and scorpios can CLASH! We seem to opose one another on everything. I like to spend, he only likes to easily spend on his toys. I am a die hard romantic, Phil thinks romance is for losers, I am so far from being a clean freak and Phil is a spotless cleanfreak IN EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE WAY-USE YOUR IMAGINATION, I think sex should be long and thoughtout and wild and sex to him is clinical and an act to create children, I think you should have notyhing to hide with anyone, he thinks everything is secret and should be kept secret, I believe in astrology, he says it's bullshit, I believe in psychics and I believe I just know things and see things he says all of that is bullshit, I am unsure of aliens he believes they exist, go figure, He thinks he should always look fuckable to the opposite sex at any age, on any day, I think the right words will get you where you want to go. There is alot more but for now I am done. I gotta check dinner.
Laterz....

Secrets & Confusion

What is it with people and secrets? Like sharing your life is a huge no no? I grew up with a mother who did things that always left her telling us don't tell dad this and don't tell dad that. She still at times does that. We also heard don't tell this and don't tell that because it could affect your dad's job. I hated it and I swore I would never have my kids grow up that way. Something I hate very much is lies and secrets! I guess that is why I have admitted things I have done even when I knew it could end everything I had. However Phil is another one who thinks things should be kept to yourself and be kept secret. We fight about it alot!!! He gets really angry about my writing my blogs, he thinks I should keep it to myself. Suffer alone and not tell a soul what I am going through. What I hate more than that is when he denies things he says and does. One thing to deny it to others but to look me in the face and deny it it kills me and makes me wish I could just die!!!! It hurts so deeply. I just don't care anymore. Lately I don't even get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I have been so depressed I sleep, barely eat, take meds to end pain and I do feeel pain all over. I called the dr to get in today and try to get admitted to hospital. They fuckin cancelled my appointment. I think that is such a big joke. I told them how serious it is for me to get admitted to hospital. My normal meds are not working at all. I cry everyday for hours. Waking up is a disappointment to me. Phil gets here and just gets pissed with me for not having done anything for yet another day, which just adds to my already depressed feelings. I think aboiut DJ everyday and I cry about him. I miss him so much and feel like a part of me dies without him everyday. His bday is coming a big 16yrs old. I hope he loves the gift I have gotten him. I just can't stop thinking about DJ he is always on my mind and I love him so much. My baby boy is growing up so fast. The good thing is I seem to be losing weight as I barely want to eat. I am eating a tiny bit but I don't want to eat. I drink a very little bit as well. Roger and Phil spend most of the time with Sarah, they have been wonderful with her. I guess that is another part of my feeling down I really don't feel needed or wanted. I mean kids don't seem to want or need me anymore. They are all looked after and Phil seems to always be gone and with others now and complains if and when I ask him anything, so I hate asking anything of him. Doug is now with Cindy. No one really needs me in life anymore, so if I were gone who would miss me? NO ONE! I am proud of how wonderful everyone is doing and it makes it alot easier for me to fade out when I see that I am not really needed anymore. I feel like all I do really is piss people off and get in their way! Even when Phil is here now he is not with me, he is on comp and watching TV downstairsd or in the transformer room. I don't do or watch anything he likes. I am just a thron in his side. He likes being out away from here, so... I do have another appointment with my docotor I guess I have to wait for that one. I just wish todays would have not got cancelled. I can't remember feeling this bad in a very long time...

It's All On Me...

Well first off I want to add to my last post that when Phil took Sarah's stuff that one night he had given her a half hour chance to draw. She didn't like her half hour chance. She was so angry she swore at Phil and then at me because I let Phil make the choice if she could draw or not. Regardless of those 2 facts I still didn't see any reason to discourage her from drawing or reading as we usually allow her to watch TV on weekends until she goes to sleep so why were his panties in a twist? However he thinks others will agree with him after reading these facts. Only bedtime we are usually strict with is school nights. Moving along, apparently saying anything that is not positive about Phil gets people worked up. Apparently the only person who can be stupid, a bitch, a hoare, unpure, evil, selfish ect is me. Because Phil is pure perfection. Everyone would know that because they are here to see it all the time-YEAH RIGHT! *tears* So I should just suck it up and pretend everything is always perfect. Sensor my words. You know I have not limited bad words for just Phil. I say them about myself and other people as well. But apparently I am a big bitch and if Phil was smart he would leave me. I am sure Ashley would love that! Ya know it's funny he says his family wouldn't care if he was dead. Yet his family is the first to stand up for him. They love him dearly. I only wish I had a family like that :'( Ya know it's like some people see me on the edge of a cliff and they are trying to push me over. Sometimes they come really close to doing it too. Today I was alone all afternoon and I cried for 2 hours. Now my eyes are all sore and red :'( I do see my doctor soon and I am going to ask her about an in hospital evaluation. Has anyone done their valentine shopping yet? I have I love what I got Phil I hope he likes it too:) Valentines Day is my favorite holiday :) Oh and it's not a transformer. I made a vow not to buy any transformers this year. The year has just begus and I want to buy them. I don't go to the isle that sells them. I think JC caught me though. I have become a lover of transformers as well. I can't believe it's happened but it has. Although Phil and I love them for different reasons. I am ashamed of the fact I can actually name a ton of them. Not as good at it as Phil but I shouldn't know any at all! Sarah tried out for the interprovincial summer soccer team. If she gets on the team the cost is $750 and I was told soccer was a cheap sport, pffffttttt seems like there is always a need for money. This money pays for everything but the food when they travel. Apparently 2 coachespulled her aside at the try outs today and told her she has a really good chance at making it to the team. Soccer really her forte. Parents and other people who see her are always commenting how good she is. I am very proud of her :) Anyhow I'm off not feel very welll.....

Panic Button

So yesterday I went all by myself. That was really hard. I was in walmart and all of a sudden the isle got smaller, noise got louder and my head began to spin. I felt so stupid all I could do was stand still and hold my head trying hard not to cry. I don't generally go anywhere alone anymore, and that is exactly why. While I was there Phil called asking where I was I told him and he said he would meet me. He calls me almost predictably by clockwork. Right before he gets off work he phones to see where I am and invites himself to where I am. Like he has to check up on me and know where I am at all times. So he met me at mayfair mall and what do you know he's there with Ashley. They just happened to run into one another. I responded by saying"so I see" he said I love you and I said " I have to go look around later..." He says I am way too insecure. But when I met him he lied about sleeping with Michelle, and then he lied to me about this lady Deb. Meanwhile I told him my sins against everyones advice knowing he could leave I told him. *tears* I just don't know how to feel right now. I just feel so dead inside. 2 nights ago we got into a fight I can't remember about what but he thinks I should say I love you if he demands me to say it. If I am pissed I am not going to say it. He got right on top of me and yelled at me in the face calling me a manipulative, ungrateful bitch. Last night Sarah wanted to stay up and draw and to read a book. I saw no harm in it but Phil was here so I told him he could make that choice. He chose no and neither of us understood why. He said because it's bedtime. I think if she wants to read don't discourage that :'( He was so mad he took her lights, her tv and something else, but eventually gave it all back but that's because we were both bitches. He just chewed me out and told me how bad a parent I am that I let get away with too much. It goes on and on and on. I tried to fight back but he started to yell at me that I was a baby, I think called me a baby like 10 times and a bitch a few times.All over my agreeing with my6 daughter about reading her book.I don't know it was 10:30pm maybe he had a point. He gave me shit for crying too told me to stop with the fake tears :'( Hey if any of you out there would like to buy me a webcam, a voice recorder, and videa recorder I can post it on here and then you can tell me what you here and see. See if I am just being overemotional :( Not to mention I would be more greatful than words can say. Not to mention maybe if he saw the way he acts or hears the way he acts he might stop.I can wish right? My baby boy's bday is coming up, a very special bday, he will be 16yrs old. No baby anymore, he is almost a man now:) No day goes by that I don't think about DJ. He truly was a miracle child. I was young, almost lost him a few times before birth and then he was breech and at months he almost died of whooping cough. I believe he is detined for great things. He is very intelligent. I am proud of him.I got his present today, some people were trying to discourage me from getting his present I pretty much told them to shove it. Well it's 12am and once again Phil is not here. No one is here. Phil is apparently out with Ron but I can't stop thinkig that could be a cover story. I hate that I don't trust him like I should. I hate it so much, it hurts so badly. Lately it feels like I am standing still in time and everyone else is moving in time rapidly all around me, it's a horrid sensation and when I go out it's much stronger. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and hold my head still just to try and shut out the noise and stop everything from moving so fast around me. I noticed the other day even my smallest jeans are getting too big. Apparently I am loosing weight again. Probably cause once again I barely been eating and when I eat bad food I dump which I was told goes away after a year or two. Yeah hello? Not I, I have to watch my intake. I also have to still struggle with leaving food on my plate I always take too much and then I get full. I want to eat more but I can't. I was raised with a mother who never gave us any real seconds of the good meals we loved and so yeah I hoard food. I still get worried I won't get anymore, so I pack it onto my plate. Those kinds of habits stick with a person :( Many of you know I have taken a huge interest in crime, I have watched quite a few movies and documentaries. I have to say they intrigue me ya know? Jeffrey Dahmer he did some bad things but I think inside he did have a heart. He seemed real close to his dad. I liked that he was willing to talk and he wanted to try to help to bring understanding. However he really didn't understand it himself. I think it is so very very sad the way that man died. I realize he did some horrific crimes but I don't believe he deserved to die the way he did. Just breaks my heart :( John Wayne Gacy now he was a character and I have a truly hard time believing his wife did not know what was going on. Come on now the smell of rotting bodies decomposing under your house, you can't believe that was something else, no way. I believe he probably killed alot more boys than the police ever found and that is sad. I find it humourous that Gacy seemed fine with taking the blame until it came time for the chair suddenly he was the wrong man. Alrighty there John sit back this will only hurt for a second. He did allow them to take his brain for testing after death, apparently they found no abnormalities. My belief is maybe you can find them while they are still alive and well. My view of the death penalty is it's wrong. Who are we to choose who lives and who dies. Who died and made you God. Now look at cases where DNA has turned someone free and had that not come out, what you would ok with putting innocence to death?Send them to supermax life without parole but abolish the death sentence it's not right!!! Ted Bundy to me his story is one of sadness. He was highly intelligent. He was educated and dressed well. I mean this guys life could have taken him really far. But instead he chose to kill women or as he called them "entities". My heart just sat in a lump watching documentaries and movies about him. How could someone with so much potential throw it all away? Apparently it just wasn't enough. Do you know he helped assist the police in finding Gary Ridgeway or Better known as "The Green River Killer". They went to him figuring same type crimes he might be able to get into his head. I think Ted really got off on that. It was giving him a power, even if from behind bars. It did work though. But he came awefully close to screwing with the one officers head. I have to say Ted deserves a medal for his master skills of manipulation. Gary Ridgeway. when I watched some of the more indepth documentaries I was kind of pissed that they didn't get to him sooner. They had talked to him he was in the files it just wasn't followed up on it was put back into the file. He is definetly not a criminal I feel any sympathy for. I refuse to believe there are just some people bad to the core. I am sure he has a heart it's just really deep in there. I found it odd when he said he put the women in clusters to make it easier for the police. He thought he was helping the police getting these women off the streets. Killing them was not the answer. I don't buy that reasoning for a moment. With everything I have watched with him I have only seen him cry for a moment and that was when one of the dead womens mothers or grandmothers stood up and said I forgive you you can't hold me anymore. I smiled when she said that, how strong she was. He needed to hear that more! BTK yeah buddy he really had some issues going on. Control issues. It showed up in his place of work. Showed up in his neighbourhood. Like in the hell did he think he was. He goes into murderer retirement and some guy writes a book about BTK and he goes into a child like fit. OMG someone else is taking my crown. So he comes back out of retirement and announces it making sure we all know he's back and ain't nobody going to steal his thunder. Yeah well buddy you should have stayed quiet , but hey thanks for not staying quiet cause now youre ass is BUSTED!!! Moving right along, how many of you ut there know who Traci Lords is? When I was with my daughters father Michael we watched ALOT of adult movies but 2 were my absolute favorites and I had copies but someone stole them. One was Curse of the Catwoman not sure the names for that one. My absolute Favorite Was Hidden Obbsessions starring Traci Lords. I have searched all over the net and in the movies stores. All I was able to find out is that apparently some of her movies were made with her being under age she used fake ID and they were all destroyed. She sure didn't look under age in this movie. I really would love to see it again :( Would love to have my Eddie Murphy Raw and Delerious as well I am so choked those were stolen they can make me laugh when I am feeling my very worst!They do say laughter is the best medicine. Oh the name os DJ's dad that we are looking for is Bryan Larence Miller. I believe his bday is july 28/1972. Born in Ontario. Used to be a camp counsellor every summer. Went to Schollard Hall to grade 12 and then went to France for gr 13 and then went to The Western University of Ontario. I believe in Schollard he played football. He loved sports. His Parents I believe are Mary and Donald and they owned the McDonalds in North Bay Ontario. I know he has a older brother Kevin , a younger brother named Mark, and I think a sister named Andrea? DJ deserves to talk to his dad and family. He has questions he wants answered and in a couple weeks he is 16. So any info would be great. tenderone at shaw dot ca Ok anyways I am exhausted, so bye for now....

All Of A Sudden

Phil is always telling me I am NOT psychic, he doesn't believe I ever have been or ever will be. Despite having friends backing up visions I have had. Things I have been able to call bang on before they happen, when they happen I knew them. 3 friends I called being pregnant before they were. My grandfather I called dying of lung cancer a few years before he did. I've even called the right gender of babies to be entering the world, although that is more Sarah's fortee she does much better with that she has only been wrong once. I just seem to see things and know things. I have a very strong sixth sense. However since being on seroquel it's messed up with my ability to see clearly like I could before. I hate it. I do believe here in victoria BC there is alot of psychic vampires I used to get drained alot. Doug had to teach me how to protect myself, as did this other guy Mike. Doug also taught me how to astral travel now that is the shit :) Anyhow I got this overwhelming sense to cry just before 6am today. Like someone I care about is either going to do something that breaks my heart, or someone is going to get hurt or die or already has. I am actually shaking and my eyes are just welled up. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I am actually shaking. I wish the vision of what or who would come to me. I miss seeing things at least then I could be more clear. Stupid fricken meds Anyway if I say anything to Phil he'll just tell me I am being stupid and yell at me :'( I think I figured out part of my depression issue right now. I think I need a change of pace. I feel stagnated here. I mean I don't feel like I have anything to get up to or look forward to in a day. oooohhhhh another day of gloominess and being yelled at oh happy day.I have no will to do anything in this place. I need a smaller place, a brighter place. This winter has sucked milkthistle lol. I can't remember the last REAL vacation I took. I think if I won a trip to whereever I wanted to go or won some money I would love to go visit Phoenix in New York. How fun would that be? She is always a gas, love her to death :) Today is my best friend Sherri Huberdeau's Bday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRI!!!!! She is now 34. She always bugs me that I am older than her because I turn a yr older than her in nov and then we're the age when she gets older in january. The little shit.Ya know I have been wondering lately if maybe my exhaustion is more than just bipolar but Chronic Fatigue syndrome. You know growing up I was really tired all the time too. I don't know how many times I was tested for mono among other things trying to find a reason why I was so tired and dragging ass all the time. It's an achy, just weak shaky tired feeling. Like getting up to go to the bathroom sometimes is a huge ordeal. I do have good days, weeks and sometimes months. I do get manic episodes where I can't sleep which seems to be lately. I am tired but sleep very little. IN last week have only sleept a couple hours on and off lately. I know my iron is probably at ground zero I never kept up with the shots. I just got too tired of going every damn two weeks and Phil would tell me how stupid I was for having to go so often to the doctor so I just stopped going to the doctor. I wish I could just get the shots at home. Don't bother writing me and telling me about the pills and liquid my body rejected them they didn't absorb either thus why I had to get shots and even then my iron was not to where it should have been, but was higher than nothing so it was something. I hope Phil is in a better mood today when I see him. Yesterday he was super angry. Yell yell yell. Just layed into me within 5 mins of coming here and continued to do so for about an hour. Then on and off for the next few hours. I hate when he asks me a question that only has one answer, or asks me a question that I don't want to answer because it makes me sound like garbage. *tears* He thinks so little of me, and he thinks so little of his looks and tries to convince me that his appearance is not good. Just rips me up inside so much. Everything lately is negative negative negative. I asked him if when he talks to Ashley, Rebecca and Tiffany if he yells about his looks to them or is negative with them like he is with me. Those are 3 "friends" he has been talking to alot lately, and he went to have coffee with Ashley apparently from what he says on the weekend. Anyway I am gonna go for now...

Internal Confusion

First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose. Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell? Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot. Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work. Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather. Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know? Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousAlways dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines

I MIss Feeling Alive

So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.
I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.
I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.
I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!