Phil was here again

Well Phil was here again. He went to counselling and has an appointment for intake to couple counselling next tuesday as do I by ourselves.
Michael is not paying his support this month which so screws me. I love how he just decides when he will or won't pay. Sometimes I despise him so much. I talked to his mom today and she says that he is still taking Mary at the end of the school year so at least I have that.
Made calls and slowly but surely we are getting Mary into a busy schedule. The busier I can keep her the better.
Thankfully Karyn so far is taking her on weekends too so at least I have that much as well.
Today was just a bad day Karyn had to let me know she got another dog while I am still upset over loosing Princess. Michael isn't paying up. Phil is still cold. I called my counsellor and she is gone till monday. It was just a joke.
But I am starting to calm down. I cleaned the kitchen, picked up crap laying around the livingroom and getting DJ to take out the garbage and vacuum the livingroom. Maybe I'll dust in a bit. I also need to go down and do up the laundry that I have no idea where it came from. I had that basement clean too it pisses me off.
I hope to get to washing the floors sometime this weekend cause they are driving me insane. I would like to get someone in to steamclean the carpets.
I told the kids we can get another dog, just have to keep my out for a small puppy that won't get much bigger than 15-20lbs.
Ya know it sucks cause only person I been close to this past year is Phil. I barely talk to anyone, I never go out, I never invite people over. I have just shut myself up in a shell and now I am dying inside and feel so abandoned and confused and alone. I don't know what to do or say to anyone.
OMG Sarah and Mary are fighting over fricken tea, there was so less fighting when Mary wasn't here.
Just have to make it till summer. I knew when Mary came home there would be a chance Phil would walk, and he did. Has even said maybe when she is gone he will come back. He says she is not the reason but I know she is a big part of the reason.
Well I cleaned up a big part of the kitchen, DJ and I worked on the livingroom and Mary is doing the bathroom. Got DJ to take out 2 bags of garbage will dust tonight or tomorrow.
My Taz came in today but since Phil bought it I don't want to see it. Told him to keep it.
I hate that I feel like I am being controlled. I feel like I have to do as exactly told or I am pretty much done. Yet nothing I do do is enough there's just nothing I can say or do to make any difference. I feel like I am just dying and I am grabbing out for life and no one is there except to push me back down. I really hate how much I am hurting and I feel so alone and abandoned. I just am not sure where to reach or what I can do or say. I am just not worth more than a toy....