Phil was here

Yep Phil was here and we talked well I think he talked more. I just don't know what to say I mean I have no decision in this process. I have no control and I guess that scares me. I cried alot at counselling today and I am now sick. Scratchy throat and sore ears and headaches from congestion. I have barely slept or eat since the weekend. Phil eats, sleeps and does whatever oh so easily. He says it is hard for him too but I don't believe it not for a second. I hVE NOT SEEN ONE TEAR. HE DID TRY TO CONVICE ME TO KEEP MY THINGS AND i REFUSED i DON'T WANT TO EVEN LOOK AT ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIM. OOPs caps. I hate that caps button:( Mary has been harder to deal with and Sarah is not herself. Phil thinks he can be in their lives walk out and it has no effect, hello wtf? I don't care their not his kids and will never be his kids their mine. I have Michael to talk to about the girls and DJ well if I have not figured out dealing with him by now I never will.
Missing Princess alot as are the kids especially Sarah she reminds me a few times a day I got rid of her.
I did load the dishwasher and wash the counters and table and do laundry and put it away. I'll do more later. Mary scrubbed the pots and bowls. So kids went to get slurpees.
Phil wants to do couple counselling I don't know I am a little apprehensive. I wanted to go a year ago and he was set against it. Now he is pushing me to go. So fine I will go. I will be all counselled out. I have my own personal counselling with psychiatrist and counseller and then I will be in group therapy for people with bipolar, very nervous about that. Now couple counselling? UGH!
Oh yeah for those curious I did NOT see Doug that night or since.
I really thought I could save my heart from being crushed really did. I f I kept Phil at arms length if he left he couldn't hurt me, where did that plan go wrong?
Gotta love these 90kmh winds in Victoria eh? Glad we are lucky enough to still have power though. Weather sure seems to be in sync with how I feel lately. I honestly don't know how to feel or what to do or what to believe. I am just crushed have no trust left and feel more vulnerable than I have for a long time. I despise that feeling...