I'm So Tired...

Well I have heard from alot of people about my last post. I hear what people are saying but I also know what people don't know. You only know part of the story. I am confused and I am hurting and I don't know what to do or what to say because it feels like nothing I say or do will make a damn bit of difference. Not everything I said was in regards to Phil I admit I hae made mistakes, made a serious one right in the beginning but also talked about it, asked for giveness for it and have not done anything like that again in a very long time.
Why when one makes changes though does it seem to count for little? How do I deal with hot and cold. I don't know when to talk when not to talk when to touch and when not to touch. If I say or do something and its bad timing I tell myself how stupid I am and ask mysef what I was thinking. Ya know what I resent most? I can't run away, I can't say I am leaving and will be back at this time. I have no control none at all and I am standing in limbo and constantly feel like I am falling and it aches so bad.
How much does it hurt when someone tells you they love you but it's nto enough. How much does it hurt when you do what they want you to do and still they question it and refuse to look at today but compare it to the past.
I don't know I don't know anything anymore:( All I know is I ache so much and if I say I ache then I'm blaming so I can't say I ache and I can't say I can't eat or sleep because its then blaming and blaming is a problem right?
I'm still not sleeping much I am so exhausted and I get hungry but I eat and I want to puke. I am sleeping when my body just gives in from days of being awake. I am sure eventually I will fall back into a normalcy of that kind of behaviour but I am so exhausted right now.
I bought Phil 3 of the star wars transformers they don't seem to have the luke skywalker one out right now though. Not for lack of us looking. I had to get them though because they were going to be gone before he could get them. I got him a couple other transformers too. I wanted to get EVAC for him but he's like 30 bucks and I already bought the other ones.
I took my ring in to get resized that Phil had bought me for Christmas I was scared I was going to loose it. They said it will be ready on tuesday. I have the ring and the earings wish I had the pendant to match.
Went to couple counselling today I was so on the verge of tears that I barely spoke I just didn't know what to say. I am so scared I will say the wrong thing. I mean I don't seem to know what I am saying and am told as much. So what do I say? Phil had to lots to say I guess made up for our last session because I spoke too much last time I think.
I can say Phil pleasantly surprised me today when he made love to me like he hasn't done for so long. I mean we have been very physical lately much more than we were but today wow wow wow wow wow. Wish I knew where that came from.
I wish he wasn't so down on himself lately though. I just don't see what he is always putting down about himself. I tried to make him feel a little better today I shaved his back and chest ect which at some points was funny cause he got all tickilish he's cute when he is ticklish. I hope it made him feel at least a little better about his body. I have noticed he has lost weight. When I gave him a massage the other night his shoulders seemed alot smaller.
His friend Ron came over the other night and they played cards. I put out chips, and cookies and made tuna sandwhiches while he was here. When Ron left and went home so did Phil. His parents are coming over for dinner next week. I am pretty nervous I have never cooked for peoples parents in my life. I am having huge anxiety about it. At least he's gonna pick up the food for me too cook it since he wants me to make my steak.
I guess we'll see how it goes.
Got into it with Mary today but she calmed down and apologized. Some days I really wonder what the hell God was thinking when he gave me of all people kids. Teens are so hard to deal with at times. She dumped her boyfriend on his birthday actually got her brother too and now she has been leading this other guy on and I have been on her that she can't do that it's not right and doing that can get you in a world of trouble. I realize teens are learning how relationships work for the first time but how do you set them on the right path?
Had a talk with Dj about some of his marks at school. I am concerned he is not going to finish school and I so don't want to see that happen.
On American Idol I am rooting for Ace right now. Last year I liked Carrie Underwood and I also loved Constantine omg yes and of course I have Bo Bice's CD and poster on my wall.
I have got a huge thing for long haired guys with a clean shave. Or anyone who looks like the Undertaker on Wrestling omg yes baby.
Poor Canadian Hockey team lost yesterday at the olympics. Everyone seems so let down by it. Bummer. Not that I much care I hate hockey. Only sport I really watch now is gymnastics.
I got some more wisp air things and I also got as a bonus Glade Ultra spray where they say 1 spray does it uhm yeah not sure what they put in it but yeah it is very strong which I love. I also got some more bounce sheets with febreze but why don't they have the smell bar on the febreze boxes? I want level 4 in smell. I love floral and citrus smells. I also got some more Oxy Woolite Deep carpet stain remover that stuff works so good. I am hella impressed with it. I have used alot of this kind of thing and it sure beats them all.
I got Phil a sticker for his car says I've gone Insane Be back later. I should have got 2. I also got him the 25 year anniversary rubics cube it was in one of those piles of discounted toys and he had bought me an imitation one for christmas that broke right away so I got him a real one cause he loves it. I bought melatonin for Phil to help him sleep but when he left he didn't take it so I started to use it. It doesn't help 100% for me but does anyone know if it can affect your weight cause I swear it's helped me loose weight, but with not eating as much as I was it could be that too.
Mary and I seem to be having stomach aches on and off, we had chicken for dinner but neither of us were able to really eat. Yesterday I made roast but made it in the oven since the kids said they missed it from there as I make it alot in crockpot now. Well must have been good cause all of it was gone gone gone. I can only thank my mother for the way I cook she has to be one of the best cooks out there. Phil's mom omg she is an awesome cook too. I am usually very fussy at people's places but she can cook and cook so damn good. Coming from me that is saying ALOT!
I bought Sarah some soccer and horse stickers and me I found a package of Piglet stickers. I so LOVE PIGLET and their fuzzy ones so I now have them on my monitor.
Oh yeah before I forget Cody Posey got a juvinile sentence. As I watched the judge speak I got so teary eyed and scared he would get an adult senstence and then as he got to the end I was so relieved for Cody to hear his be able to go back to sequoia and to be in custody with the ministry till he is 21. He will now get the help he needs and he has a chance at a new life and a life away from hell. Yes it's tragic what happened but this boy just snapped and he just needed someone to take him and mold him into something better than what his dad did to him. I pray he turns out the kind of man I think he can be.
With that I am off for now...