I'm Feeling Agitated

Well I am in an agitated feeling mood today, a time when it is best for anyone and everyone to keep away from me because everything sets me off. I talked to Michael today and he says he doesn't know if he wants to take Mary and I was like you stupid grrrrrrr. I sometimes hate him so damn much. He says he wants to be a dad but when it comes down to it he only wants to be a dad when it is on his time when he wants. 33 and he will never grow up. His mother seems to be making his choices for him and how fricken sad and imature is that? He doesn't give a damn shit about anyone but himself. God I despise him sometimes. Why couldn't I have had a child with someone like Phil? He at least is a father in every way that matters. He has been wonderful to Mary since she came home and he calms me down when I get overly angry with the kids at times and helps me see when I am being unreasonable. He has met more of the kids parents than I have and always gets the kids where they need to be. I wish so much I could have had one more kid with him, makes me cry and I know he wants the same. I hate how that all worked out.
He was triggered by something I did the other day and snapped and I felt so bad. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop I wanted to throw up. I still feel sick because the trigger was just something that triggers my own stuff and I didn't think about what I was doing. Trust me this time it was me, I should have thought about what I was doing before I did it. He says its not my fault but I feel really bad and it is my fault whether he admits it or not.
The other night Mary got busted in a lie and I was so angry I was shaking. Once again it was Phil who calmed me down and I grounded her from the phone for a week. I had grounded alot more but when I calmed down I decided on just the phone. Well Phil and I decided. I am starting to talk things over more with Phil when it comes to the kids and I am making them listen to him more. Its hard relinquishing my parent responsabilities and letting Phil handle some of it. Although if the kids were smart they would realize he is much calmer in his reactions. I hate when I get lied to and I tend to loose it alot more. DJ I think got busted too but before he ever went anywhere so I didn't really care Mary had already done something so I was alot more angry. I was shaking angry. Now I am a little calmer and I am over it.
DJ went to moviers last night with friends and then when they got back omg they were LOUD and obnoxious. I barely slept last night.
We went to karate on friday and I swear the person who runs it was trying to make Phil look bad and I told Phil I felt that way. He says he hopes I am wrong. It could be I am just feeling a little overprotective of Phil and so misunderstood but I don't know that and I did feel like he was being singled out. He is the only other blackbelt in the class and Phil has not done it for years so is just getting back into it. But I think he is doing awesome for just getting back into it. I am very proud of him.
I do have to say Phil and I are talking alot more than we ever did before and we don't really fight we do have disagreements but they generally get dealt with pretty quickly. I was upset the other day he told me someone in his family who has pretended to like me doesn't and that is because she saw me one night when I was out with Doug and his daughter and brother and her boyfriend. Which is bull because it was innocent and nothing happened. For God sakes we were celebrating his daughters bday. I did ask him if she knows about his situation with Deb last summer. He was quiet about it and then said yes but I said it took him so long to answer that I am sure that is not true. However after talking about it Phil and I have agreed to let the past be int he past we have both brought up our past mistakes too often and it is time we let them go and concentrate on the here and now. Dwelling on what has or hasn't happened in the past does neither of us any good. I also told him I will try and trust him more and not let what people like Michael did to me in the past affect how I view Phil. I do have a habit of letting what past relationships have happened affect today. I have to stop doing that if I have any chance of being happy.
I bought Phil another transformer the other day because I had been looking and looking for this one particular one and when I finally found it I was so excited, Phil said he never saw me so happy to see a transformer lol. He bought himself one too EVAC. I wanted to buy it but just couldn't afford it. He also bought Mary a coffeemaker well not just for her but when we have company. We also bought a crib board and poker chips and 2 packs of cards for company.
One of Sarahs friends was being beat up today so Sarah got into it to protect her and I guess made the one guy beating on her friend bleed. I know it's not right to fight like that but how do you get mad for her protecting her girlfriend? She generally just walks away today she did tell me when she did it and was really upset her friend was getting beat up by boys. So honestly I find that hard to get mad about.
Man I hate when I feel agitated even my clothes feel like they are restricting me. Every noise every bump every sond everything irritates me. It's like having every loud thing on at the same time and voices of a hundred people trying to talk to me and trying to hear through all that. While everything feeling like it is touching you. It's a yucky feeling.
Still hurting from falling down the stairs, my neck still has the pain only it is now in the back and right down my spine now too. I am told it does take awhile to heal. Oh lucky me.
I have Dj and 2 of his friends here and Sarah and 2 of her friends here and Mary is in a talk alot mood today. Phil says he can't blame my kids for talking alot they are just like me that way. Cause some days it feels like its all they do is talk. I have to think God do I do that? That does have to be irritating. I gotta stop that.
Anyhow off for now...
Sent to me in email:
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps herself.
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears. A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in her address book. A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean. A simple friend hates it when you call after she has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call. A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems. A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it. A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight. A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you! A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you! When you are down to nothing... God is up to something!
BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch. ­­­­When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch. ­­­­When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch. ­­­­Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. ­­­­When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am ­­defined as a
bitch. ­­­­The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! ­­­­So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed. ­­­­And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.
B - Babe ­­I - In ­­T - Total ­­C - Control of ­­H - Herself ­­­­B = Beautiful ­­I = Intelligent ­­T = Talented ­­C = Charming ­­H = Hell of a Woman ­­­­B = Beautiful ­­I = Individual ­­T = That ­­C = Can ­­H = Handle anything ­