Not Sure How To Feel...

Well Phil has been around a little more, but if anyone thinks that has made anything more clear it has not. I am getting nothing but mixed signals and emotions. One minute I feel one thing the next I feel like I am stupid and don't know a damn thing. I just feel like I am damned if I don't and I am damned if I do. I feel like because I have made some positive changes on one hand he thinks it is good but on the other he makes me feel bad because he says him leaving made me better. But if I didn't change then that would be a reason to stay gone. So what the hell am I supposed to say or do because honest to God I feel so screwed up and confused. I don't even know who I am or am not anymore. I do know I did alot wrong and I took some things for granted that I shouldn't have. I blamed when I shouldn't have. I definetly am no innocent.
I also always threw the fact Doug loves me and has and will always love me. Not so much because I was with Doug but because I wanted Phil to love me for me. I have always felt like he couldn't do that and I always felt Doug could. The problem with Doug is he always works and I never see him. When I do see him well we all know what happens but then its always an eternity before I see him again and I get the 5 min call when he finds time and a sentence here and there in email. But Doug never yelled, never hit. He also has still in almost 8 yrs never met my son. Rarely spent a night and just always had me waiting. I do love Doug he is witty and charming and he never makes me feel stupid, he does however leave me lonely. I can talk to him about anything and everything and only time we misconstrue one another is in emails and on the net. Still it always hurt to wait for him to all hours and weeks on end. It was the whole reason I fell for Phil.
Phil tried to get along with my kids from day 1, he spent nights before we ever got involved. He took me places, we did things, he made me laugh. I did at first try to avoid him I couldn't though. He was just so easy to be around and he made me laugh and smile. He made me feel so less alone. He fulfilled something I didn't even know needed filling. He brought me around his family right away and always proudly introduced me to friends. Never held back PDA's. I miss the days we first got together things were a little looser and carefree I would love to find that again. I think the way we communicate definetly is an issue because we can't seem to communicate at all. Although last few weeks we do talk a little more. Still both of us see things a little more differently than I would like. I am trying to understand where he is coming from but I can't seem to seperate my pain enough to do that. How do I tell him that though? *tears*
Then there is feeling like I can't always say exactly how I feel because of the rush to judgement I feel there is. Like I won't ask him for a damn thing because he thinks that's all we care about is what he can give us. Even after I told him sell everything you ever gave me, don't buy me anything I will do anything to make his debts easier because I know its all he thinks about lately. If I ask for anything it's wanting things if I offer to sell stuff I am trying to hurt him and erase him. How do you get it through a persons head that it's not what someone can give you that lasts it's what they make you feel? He was going to buy this motorcycle blanket from choppers that I want on valentines day but I felt like he was going to buy it from feeling obligated and I told him don't I don't need it I can get it another time. So he didn't. I did buy him 4 transformers that were discounted in a double pack and he had hinted at wanting them so I got them. I got him a lion that sings your my heart and inspiration, a vday card a box of chocolates, 3 keyrings, and took him to dinner. We were gonna see a movie but I ended up having a migraine. I had advil and motrin and more motrin and nothing worked probably because my neck is still hurting from the fall down the stairs. I finally gave in and got some codiene and finally with codiene and gravol I passed out and got rid of the migraine. Of course not before my sister sent me a really mean email. I once again burst into tears and just went to bed. Phil did what he could to consile me and DJ happened to see it was not happy. Was not like a major mean email just huge letters and degrading. *tears* still gets me upset.
We saw the couple counsellor today. I am not sure how he is gonna work for us. I talked most but also felt uncomfortable with a male counsellor. I also feel uncomfortable with his approach and it appears Phil is kinda feeling the same way. He did ask me today why I put up with the way my family upsets me. I didn't really have an answer. I guess my only answer is they are my family and you only get one. Not to mention I feel like obviously I am a bad person if everyone in my family hates me and puts me down. I mean how else do you explain it? I am a black sheep I will never be good enough and I will die knowing that. I know if I gave up and gave in to my sometimes suicidal thoughts my mom would just come yell at me and call me a selfish witch and I guess she would be right. It's so sad when DJ went into care the social workers actually said I had the most dysfunctial family she had ever met. One worker called my sister a *itch. Not just in front of me either I was shocked. One counsellor said they normally do that behind closed doors. My sister even tried to bring up my brothers past to be like she was so much better.
Speaking of which my family may hate me but the other night someone made a comment about how a certain family member is hated by someone they know as they have seen him in their circle of friends and they don't like the way he treats his fiancee. Holy crap I flipped. I was like excuse me? He treats her so good, he would do anything for her. Who the hell do they think they are to spread crap about him? Oh I was so ticked off and I made that known and I didn't want to hear it again and I better not!! Why do people say crap like that? I know they have to be wrong!
I have to admit I need to learn how to deal better with slights and hurt. I have either a spiteful side that will strike people out of my life forever and have done magick on. Or I take it out on myself. I hurt hard and deep and the pain feels so bad I just have never learned how to deal with it. I also have an issue with pushing the men in my life as the cousellor explained it as a way to test them. If they can deal with ... then they must really love me. I expect people to hurt me especially those I am closest too. So I have over time just shut everyone out trying to protect myself from being hurt.
I am really happy I am keeping up with keeping the house done up for the most part. Phil needs to fix the vacuum though.
I don't think there is a person out there who could possibly hate housework as much as I do. I despise it and wish it would do itself. I hate how it is never ending I hate how much pain it causes my back. I hate how kids can destroy it all within minutes. I had to neaten up Sarah's room already again. Everyone gets on my case about how much I do for her. She refuses to do anything and so I do it for her. I do get on her but eventually I just give up and do it.
I put most of my jewlery back on feels wierd. I want to wear it yet at the same time I look at it and I just feel such incredible hurt. I just feel so betrayed and I can't shake that. I am trying and I know it's a me issue I just can't seem to find it in me not to feel incredible hurt.
Phil's comp is running really slow even with the programs we got to help. He gets so frustrated and I wish I could shake a wand and make it behave but I don't know why it is acting like it is.
Ya know I do miss the way some of the clothes how they were in the old days holding breasts up and out, making hips and butts be adored. I was cursed with family big hips and butt and it is hard to loose. I had lost alot but my hips somewhat found a way back mostly my hips. Although I had gained another size or two I got back into my jeans again since the heartache lately. I guess that is one positive but could use loosing a bit more on hips. I wish so much they would cover pulling up my breasts and cutting off the excess fat from arms and thighs. Since the surgery and loosing weight they kinda look odd and even my hemotologist said it would be great if I could get a full tummy tuck and hip liposuction:( I so so so wish.
DJ is having friends over this weekend for his bday. I can't believe he is getting so old. If he grows anymore I am gonna scream he is already 6'1". Makes me feel so short. He wants a dairy queen icecream cake blech I hate them so do my girls. South Park as the design so I ordered that and he wants that pizza hut pizza that looks so nasty I want to puke. I must have a dirty mind because those pizza pop bites as the crust with cheese oozing from them is sick in my eyes view. But we only have a bday once a year right? He also wants a webcam still not sure how I feel about that ya know?
I am curious how people would deal with their teen if they found out they went out drinking, had a fire while they did that and then got real sick. I never di anything like that and different people seem to have different feelings about what a parent should do. How about weed? I mean if you try to stop it they will only want to do it more right? So what does a parent do? My dad would have fricken killed me. You should have seen how he reacted to my brother smoking. What ticked me off about that was he smoked. I do think you have to rethink how you deal with your teens if your doing something you don't want them to do. I don't smoke, never done illegal drugs and rarely drink. I finished highschool because I wanted my kids to finish despite anything that may try to impede that from happening. But how do you deal with a teen who wants something different from you? When does tough love become something you use? I am definetly inquisitive of anyone who has had teens or has teens because the issues now are so different from when they were young. Yikes parenting is hard hard hard. I happen to be a parent who has gone from being brought up in a strict military home to trying to be completely opposite and being told I am too layed back. Trying to find that middle is hard.
What would you do if in your past you knew someone who duct tapped a kids mouth because they mouthed off a parent? Wouldn't you say that is the epitome of abuse? How was something like that ok back in our day to you can't ground your kids now or wash out their mouth now? I found 123 timeout it does work with most kids. My girls it worked. Not sure why it works but it does. But timeout is not a teen tool, so what is the tool you do use? The counsellor I saw today says first take care of yourself. But is it really that straight forward? I hated when my mom told us we were second dad would always be first. We were kids, we needed her. How far does a parent go to care for both sides? Thing I am proud of is my kids feel free to talk to me about pretty much anything sometimes too much. I always wanted that. I just thought parenting teens would be so cool and fun but it's not it's hard. Sometimes it's fun. Mary is fun to shop with and she helps me pick clothes better than I can do. DJ can make me laugh and think in different ways and Sarah omg she makes me laugh. But when they dig in their heels it's hard.
I am into this dancing with the stars. I turn it off at 9pm though because I have to watch CSI and Without a Trace. I am a crime fanatic I love my crime shows hugely. Anyhow on dancing with the stars I vote for Lisa yeah she used to be Billy on Days. Speaking of Days of Our Lives grrrrrr I thought Mimi finally told Shawn about the baby and Belle and then it was a dream? Damn it I screamed. Mimi tell him already don't screw this up and stop listening to your psycho mother! On Passions I am sick sick sick of Theresa take her off NOW!
LOL sarah is being a comedian right now, just her and I at the moment. I sure hope power stays on with this crappy wind and cold we are having yuck!