Crazy Messed Up Confused

Well I went last night to watch the girls and Phil in karate class, took a bunch of pics. My god I have so many pics to work on right now it is not even funny. Anyhow I came to the conclusion last night that if I have any chance at being where I want to be I can't be me anymore. I am not good enough and I have to try and be someone else. I keep hearing that sentence over and over in my head "your not good enough". I realized that I have complete loss of control, I obviously am not worthy if I don't become someone else. The person I am or am changing from is useless and worthless and just not loveable. So fine I will be calmer I will be what they call a stepford wife, or least try. I will force myself to look at the darkness and I will hide my tears away from those who can see because to see them only makes me stupid and weak they don't fix anything. Apparently I am very supportive and I always try to help but those two things don't count for a damn thing.
I still am not eating, people are even noticing my loosing weight. I have barely eaten a thing since Phil left. I try to eat and I just want to puke. I drink a little, enough to keep me going. Milk, water, a little pop. Even Dj has told me this not eating is not good but I just am so destroyed inside and feel so worthless and unloved that I just can't fathom food. At least I am sleeping now out of pure exhaustion. Still not sleeping all the hours I need though. I have most of the laundry from the basement done and put away I have a bit more. I plan tomorrow to get to work on taking garbage out from down there and washing the floors. I dusted most of the livingroom yesterday I have bit more to do. My back hurts but too bad for me I should just bite it and deal with the pain. I haven't had my iron shots in almost two months Phil hates to go to the doctor and doesn't think anyone needs to go as much as I have. I am supposed to go every two weeks but maybe he's right maybe I am just weak and I don't need it.
I got the dishes into the dishwasher, DJ washed the pans. Sarah and her friends worked on the backyard and then I made them scrub up the mud they got on my carpet. My back yard is a freakin creek. How many more damn days of rain do we need for crying out loud?
I told Phil I want my leather jacket back, my ring back and Storm. I am the one who got Storm who calls the vet and make sure he has the medical attention he needs. Yeah he is close to Phil but Casper misses Storm and with Princess gone I miss having Storm. Mary is taking Casper when she leaves. We never see him anyway he is not vocal and interactive like Storm is.
I colored a poster for the kids and have one for Phil. Mary had dolphins, DJ a dragon and Sarah a unicorn I find it therapeutic to colour the velvet posters. I have a bunch of them.
Watching Law and Order CI I love the old cops but not these new two. Right now though the old cops are on this show.
Ya know I went out shopping yesterday and Phil and Mary automatically assumed I went with a guy. Why would you make that assumption for pete's sake? DJ was like oh yeah such a hard ass fun time at Walmart.
So Valentines Day is coming. My kids are oh so lucky they get their eyes checked that day. LOL I am ready for the day though I guess as ready as I can be. It's always been my favorite special occasion, although this year I just don't know what to expect. I don't seem to know anything lately. Feel more lately like I am told what to do what to say what to think and how to act. I'm so bad because I keep to myself and don't go out. Fine I will go out. I will go to counselling, I will apologize for everything and I will not blame for anything ever again. I mean that's how I feel and even that I don't know if it is right.
Ya know I did listen to Phil constantly put himself down and ask me how I could love him. If I got mad or anyone else we wanted him gone so we could do whatever. How long can you hear that before you start to wonder if maybe he is right?
I don't feel very supported by my family and I never have but Phil is and yet even though they protect him and love him he sees it as a negative. He thinks they don't think he is capable of anything. I have tried so hard to tell him I don't see it that way and that they really love him. I can't look or mention a peep about his younger brother or I am hot for him. He's made it known a certain brother in law hates me. He builds up his neices and their mother to God status and I feel like if I speak around them I will just sound stupid and so I just try to keep quiet. Phil grew up in some similiar situations as my kids and so he tries to fix what he think was done wrong by his mother. But I keep telling him we're not him and his family we're us.
I also hate being told what I think and feel. What is good for me. No it's not good for me it's good for him.
I do love Phil, I love him with his thining hair that he freaks about daily, I love his hairy chest and his hairy back is just fine by me. His blue eyes will melt any persons heart and when he is tender my God he is so tender. But when he's hard and cold he is super hard and cold. So right now I feel like I am standing on the edge and I am being dangled and can be dropped at any moment.
I'm trying to save myself by trying to be someone new. It's hard but when you love someone you will do anything for them right?