I exist therefore I am...

Well last couple of days have been I guess interesting. Mary has been just tudinal all over the place the last couple days. I know she is bored though not having a phone. I hated when my parents grounded me from the phone. Phil has been pretty moody too. He is really getting more and more down on himself its not even funny. He is constantly complaining about how God is cruel and played a cruel joke on some men making them have hair grow on their bodies and hair thin on their head. He hates having psorisis and that he is only a mere 5'4". Somehow all these facts make him ugly? He thinks his pictures are proof of just how ugly he is. I sent him out to get the steak for tomorrow's dinner with his parents I needed eye of round steaks the marinating kind but stupid me I was not specific and he got fast fry ones so he went on a ranting rage and yelled at me telling me nothing he does is good enough. I told him it's not his fault it's mine I should have been more specific he did get what I wrote down so how does that make him stupid? It doesn't. I feel so bad I mean he really did try. I need to make more certain in future to be more specific if I want someone to get me something. I am making steak, salad, potatoes and corn and thinking about making a cake. Did I say the other day that Mary got up and made everyone pancakes and bacon? That was really sweet of her. However she also burned the soup she was going to make and then burned a plastic bowl by accident. I asked her where her mind was because she is usually much more careful. She bakes alot and yesterday she just kept messing up. I told her maybe it is just a day where maybe she needs to stay out of the kitchen. One of her guy friends mothers bought her pink mums for getting his homework for him. Isn't that just special?Got most of the laundry done yesterday. However even bleaching Phils white dress shirt twice I could not get the black off of it on the front and sleeve and not sure what else to try. There has to be a way to get it out. I spent some time resetting up Phils computer to have transformer icons, sound effects, wallpaper, screensaver and cursor. I wish sometimes I could turn into a transformer he spends so much time with those things they are everything to him. I made lasagna tonight for dinner so I packed some of the leftover up for his lunch cause he works all night and packed him a banana, 2 oranges, an apple a piece of chocolate cake, some orange juice and a couple bottles of water, oh and a peanut butter and jam sandwhich. He works a long time tonight so he needs a good bunch of food for the night. He weighed himself tonight and it said he weighed 175lbs. I was shocked cause honestly to look at him you wouldn't guess that he weighs that much. Especially since lately his arms and shoulders feel hella smaller which of course again he hates. The talk about the 2010 olympics is already driving me nuts. I feel like it is all we ever hear about now and being Vancouver will be hosting them I am sure that will only get more intense over time. Oh joy oh joy. Phil has been selling some transformers he has doubles of on ebay the last 7 days we are finally in the end and so here is how it ended up:Cybertron Vector Prime with Minicon Safeguard sold for US $6.50GXO2 Galaxy force Soundwave (japanese) sold for US $59.78Transformers Jeep wrangler autobot Hound (MIB)sold for US $10.50GX01 Galaxyforce Noisemaze (Japanese)(MIB)sold for US $5.00G1Transformer Abominus component Terrorcon Sinnertwin sold for US $3.00He's so wanting this and has been trying and watching for weeks now one of these: TRANSFORMER DINOBOT SWOOP HASBRO 1980-84 of course we also have not been able to find one of these and want one of these to go with the 3 others I bought as well Star Wars Luke Skywalker X-Wing Transformers MIB VHTFMy kids LOVE the new bounce I bought fresh scent febreze wow it really does smell good. I should try the Tide with febreze I guess huh?Phil thought I was wrong about my camera being in his car and so had purchased me a new one but I don't much like it so we are thinking of reselling it SLIMMEST CREDIT CARD SIZE DIGITAL CAMERA 409 PICS C-GR8definetly is tiny his credit cards are actually longer and thicker than it is and it is cool it recharges on the computer. However my camera although it needs batteries and that sucks I like seeing the pics I took before uploading them on this you can't. On mine I can't take as many pics but I don't know I just like my original camera better and we had picked it up for a good price at xcess cargo a store I absolutely love.Anyhow got another load of laundry going and am tired, not been sleeping too well lately and lots of headaches. I go see my counsellor tomorrow so that will be good. Anyhow here is some more nice emails I got:It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. This is for those who have touched my life in one way or another To those who made me smile when I really needed it To those that made me see the brighter side of things when I was really down I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship :)
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger.If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.Great minds discuss ideas:Average minds discuss events;Small minds discuss people. He, who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Friends, you and me...... You brought another friend .. And then there were 3 . We started our group .. Our circle of friends..... There is no beginning or end .... Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift

I'm Feeling Agitated

Well I am in an agitated feeling mood today, a time when it is best for anyone and everyone to keep away from me because everything sets me off. I talked to Michael today and he says he doesn't know if he wants to take Mary and I was like you stupid grrrrrrr. I sometimes hate him so damn much. He says he wants to be a dad but when it comes down to it he only wants to be a dad when it is on his time when he wants. 33 and he will never grow up. His mother seems to be making his choices for him and how fricken sad and imature is that? He doesn't give a damn shit about anyone but himself. God I despise him sometimes. Why couldn't I have had a child with someone like Phil? He at least is a father in every way that matters. He has been wonderful to Mary since she came home and he calms me down when I get overly angry with the kids at times and helps me see when I am being unreasonable. He has met more of the kids parents than I have and always gets the kids where they need to be. I wish so much I could have had one more kid with him, makes me cry and I know he wants the same. I hate how that all worked out.
He was triggered by something I did the other day and snapped and I felt so bad. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop I wanted to throw up. I still feel sick because the trigger was just something that triggers my own stuff and I didn't think about what I was doing. Trust me this time it was me, I should have thought about what I was doing before I did it. He says its not my fault but I feel really bad and it is my fault whether he admits it or not.
The other night Mary got busted in a lie and I was so angry I was shaking. Once again it was Phil who calmed me down and I grounded her from the phone for a week. I had grounded alot more but when I calmed down I decided on just the phone. Well Phil and I decided. I am starting to talk things over more with Phil when it comes to the kids and I am making them listen to him more. Its hard relinquishing my parent responsabilities and letting Phil handle some of it. Although if the kids were smart they would realize he is much calmer in his reactions. I hate when I get lied to and I tend to loose it alot more. DJ I think got busted too but before he ever went anywhere so I didn't really care Mary had already done something so I was alot more angry. I was shaking angry. Now I am a little calmer and I am over it.
DJ went to moviers last night with friends and then when they got back omg they were LOUD and obnoxious. I barely slept last night.
We went to karate on friday and I swear the person who runs it was trying to make Phil look bad and I told Phil I felt that way. He says he hopes I am wrong. It could be I am just feeling a little overprotective of Phil and so misunderstood but I don't know that and I did feel like he was being singled out. He is the only other blackbelt in the class and Phil has not done it for years so is just getting back into it. But I think he is doing awesome for just getting back into it. I am very proud of him.
I do have to say Phil and I are talking alot more than we ever did before and we don't really fight we do have disagreements but they generally get dealt with pretty quickly. I was upset the other day he told me someone in his family who has pretended to like me doesn't and that is because she saw me one night when I was out with Doug and his daughter and brother and her boyfriend. Which is bull because it was innocent and nothing happened. For God sakes we were celebrating his daughters bday. I did ask him if she knows about his situation with Deb last summer. He was quiet about it and then said yes but I said it took him so long to answer that I am sure that is not true. However after talking about it Phil and I have agreed to let the past be int he past we have both brought up our past mistakes too often and it is time we let them go and concentrate on the here and now. Dwelling on what has or hasn't happened in the past does neither of us any good. I also told him I will try and trust him more and not let what people like Michael did to me in the past affect how I view Phil. I do have a habit of letting what past relationships have happened affect today. I have to stop doing that if I have any chance of being happy.
I bought Phil another transformer the other day because I had been looking and looking for this one particular one and when I finally found it I was so excited, Phil said he never saw me so happy to see a transformer lol. He bought himself one too EVAC. I wanted to buy it but just couldn't afford it. He also bought Mary a coffeemaker well not just for her but when we have company. We also bought a crib board and poker chips and 2 packs of cards for company.
One of Sarahs friends was being beat up today so Sarah got into it to protect her and I guess made the one guy beating on her friend bleed. I know it's not right to fight like that but how do you get mad for her protecting her girlfriend? She generally just walks away today she did tell me when she did it and was really upset her friend was getting beat up by boys. So honestly I find that hard to get mad about.
Man I hate when I feel agitated even my clothes feel like they are restricting me. Every noise every bump every sond everything irritates me. It's like having every loud thing on at the same time and voices of a hundred people trying to talk to me and trying to hear through all that. While everything feeling like it is touching you. It's a yucky feeling.
Still hurting from falling down the stairs, my neck still has the pain only it is now in the back and right down my spine now too. I am told it does take awhile to heal. Oh lucky me.
I have Dj and 2 of his friends here and Sarah and 2 of her friends here and Mary is in a talk alot mood today. Phil says he can't blame my kids for talking alot they are just like me that way. Cause some days it feels like its all they do is talk. I have to think God do I do that? That does have to be irritating. I gotta stop that.
Anyhow off for now...
Sent to me in email:
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps herself.
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears. A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in her address book. A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean. A simple friend hates it when you call after she has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call. A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems. A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it. A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight. A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you! A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you! When you are down to nothing... God is up to something!
BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch. ­­­­When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch. ­­­­When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch. ­­­­Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. ­­­­When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am ­­defined as a
bitch. ­­­­The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! ­­­­So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed. ­­­­And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.
B - Babe ­­I - In ­­T - Total ­­C - Control of ­­H - Herself ­­­­B = Beautiful ­­I = Intelligent ­­T = Talented ­­C = Charming ­­H = Hell of a Woman ­­­­B = Beautiful ­­I = Individual ­­T = That ­­C = Can ­­H = Handle anything ­

I'm So Tired...

Well I have heard from alot of people about my last post. I hear what people are saying but I also know what people don't know. You only know part of the story. I am confused and I am hurting and I don't know what to do or what to say because it feels like nothing I say or do will make a damn bit of difference. Not everything I said was in regards to Phil I admit I hae made mistakes, made a serious one right in the beginning but also talked about it, asked for giveness for it and have not done anything like that again in a very long time.
Why when one makes changes though does it seem to count for little? How do I deal with hot and cold. I don't know when to talk when not to talk when to touch and when not to touch. If I say or do something and its bad timing I tell myself how stupid I am and ask mysef what I was thinking. Ya know what I resent most? I can't run away, I can't say I am leaving and will be back at this time. I have no control none at all and I am standing in limbo and constantly feel like I am falling and it aches so bad.
How much does it hurt when someone tells you they love you but it's nto enough. How much does it hurt when you do what they want you to do and still they question it and refuse to look at today but compare it to the past.
I don't know I don't know anything anymore:( All I know is I ache so much and if I say I ache then I'm blaming so I can't say I ache and I can't say I can't eat or sleep because its then blaming and blaming is a problem right?
I'm still not sleeping much I am so exhausted and I get hungry but I eat and I want to puke. I am sleeping when my body just gives in from days of being awake. I am sure eventually I will fall back into a normalcy of that kind of behaviour but I am so exhausted right now.
I bought Phil 3 of the star wars transformers they don't seem to have the luke skywalker one out right now though. Not for lack of us looking. I had to get them though because they were going to be gone before he could get them. I got him a couple other transformers too. I wanted to get EVAC for him but he's like 30 bucks and I already bought the other ones.
I took my ring in to get resized that Phil had bought me for Christmas I was scared I was going to loose it. They said it will be ready on tuesday. I have the ring and the earings wish I had the pendant to match.
Went to couple counselling today I was so on the verge of tears that I barely spoke I just didn't know what to say. I am so scared I will say the wrong thing. I mean I don't seem to know what I am saying and am told as much. So what do I say? Phil had to lots to say I guess made up for our last session because I spoke too much last time I think.
I can say Phil pleasantly surprised me today when he made love to me like he hasn't done for so long. I mean we have been very physical lately much more than we were but today wow wow wow wow wow. Wish I knew where that came from.
I wish he wasn't so down on himself lately though. I just don't see what he is always putting down about himself. I tried to make him feel a little better today I shaved his back and chest ect which at some points was funny cause he got all tickilish he's cute when he is ticklish. I hope it made him feel at least a little better about his body. I have noticed he has lost weight. When I gave him a massage the other night his shoulders seemed alot smaller.
His friend Ron came over the other night and they played cards. I put out chips, and cookies and made tuna sandwhiches while he was here. When Ron left and went home so did Phil. His parents are coming over for dinner next week. I am pretty nervous I have never cooked for peoples parents in my life. I am having huge anxiety about it. At least he's gonna pick up the food for me too cook it since he wants me to make my steak.
I guess we'll see how it goes.
Got into it with Mary today but she calmed down and apologized. Some days I really wonder what the hell God was thinking when he gave me of all people kids. Teens are so hard to deal with at times. She dumped her boyfriend on his birthday actually got her brother too and now she has been leading this other guy on and I have been on her that she can't do that it's not right and doing that can get you in a world of trouble. I realize teens are learning how relationships work for the first time but how do you set them on the right path?
Had a talk with Dj about some of his marks at school. I am concerned he is not going to finish school and I so don't want to see that happen.
On American Idol I am rooting for Ace right now. Last year I liked Carrie Underwood and I also loved Constantine omg yes and of course I have Bo Bice's CD and poster on my wall.
I have got a huge thing for long haired guys with a clean shave. Or anyone who looks like the Undertaker on Wrestling omg yes baby.
Poor Canadian Hockey team lost yesterday at the olympics. Everyone seems so let down by it. Bummer. Not that I much care I hate hockey. Only sport I really watch now is gymnastics.
I got some more wisp air things and I also got as a bonus Glade Ultra spray where they say 1 spray does it uhm yeah not sure what they put in it but yeah it is very strong which I love. I also got some more bounce sheets with febreze but why don't they have the smell bar on the febreze boxes? I want level 4 in smell. I love floral and citrus smells. I also got some more Oxy Woolite Deep carpet stain remover that stuff works so good. I am hella impressed with it. I have used alot of this kind of thing and it sure beats them all.
I got Phil a sticker for his car says I've gone Insane Be back later. I should have got 2. I also got him the 25 year anniversary rubics cube it was in one of those piles of discounted toys and he had bought me an imitation one for christmas that broke right away so I got him a real one cause he loves it. I bought melatonin for Phil to help him sleep but when he left he didn't take it so I started to use it. It doesn't help 100% for me but does anyone know if it can affect your weight cause I swear it's helped me loose weight, but with not eating as much as I was it could be that too.
Mary and I seem to be having stomach aches on and off, we had chicken for dinner but neither of us were able to really eat. Yesterday I made roast but made it in the oven since the kids said they missed it from there as I make it alot in crockpot now. Well must have been good cause all of it was gone gone gone. I can only thank my mother for the way I cook she has to be one of the best cooks out there. Phil's mom omg she is an awesome cook too. I am usually very fussy at people's places but she can cook and cook so damn good. Coming from me that is saying ALOT!
I bought Sarah some soccer and horse stickers and me I found a package of Piglet stickers. I so LOVE PIGLET and their fuzzy ones so I now have them on my monitor.
Oh yeah before I forget Cody Posey got a juvinile sentence. As I watched the judge speak I got so teary eyed and scared he would get an adult senstence and then as he got to the end I was so relieved for Cody to hear his be able to go back to sequoia and to be in custody with the ministry till he is 21. He will now get the help he needs and he has a chance at a new life and a life away from hell. Yes it's tragic what happened but this boy just snapped and he just needed someone to take him and mold him into something better than what his dad did to him. I pray he turns out the kind of man I think he can be.
With that I am off for now...

I'm so lost...

I seriously have to ask and I hope people answer, if someone you loved and they said they loved you was doing searches online for nude people of the opposite gender in your city of residence would you feel like you could trust them? Would you feel confident that they think your enough and that they really do love you? Or would you feel insecure and question what you really mean to them, because I really don't know what one should feel in that circumstance. If someone you loved told you once they were talking to someone they always knew but then you found out they were planning to meet this person and it was someone they never knew at all but you found out before it happened so it never happened would you be able to trust them and believe it was a one time thing? If you did if they did a search and you found out about it would that trust remain. Then too another question if someone you loved cheated but told you they cheated because they felt bad about it and had they not told you you would never have known would you trust them if they told you they wouldn't and won't do it again? isn't it different if the person was sneaky and lied then if they broke down and confessed their sins because it was just too painful to lie to the one they love? These are serious questions I need answers to because I am not sure I can see the answers for what they should be ya know? If someone told you they didn't do something then you catch them doing it but it's nothing huge is there really a reason to be upset even though what they are doing could lead to something huge? Am I making sense to anyone but myself?
I feel so screwed up and lost right now ya know? I am scared and I am insecure and I am not really sure what I should and shouldn't do. Part of me wants something to catch me if I fall ya know? I've never done well thinking thee is nothing to fall back on and right now I kinda am hanging out there without a net. I admit it I am scared and I have nothing to base any kind of ground on.
Ya know it's sad I have not slept for over 24 hrs I am shaking cause my back hurts so bad and I am so cold and can't get warm. I'm hungry but eating makes me feel sick. I just ache so much inside. When does one let go and have faith? Cause right now I don't think anyone has faith in me:(
Is it just me or do people seem more desperate now a days or maybe it's just the people in my age group and above. Just seems like you say hi to someone or are positive to someone and they think your gonna fall into their arms or something and I don't get it. Life and love does not work that way.
DJ is home now and Sarah has been in and out all day. Already lost her swim pass I am choked! DJ left to pick up his present from my parents place.
Watching the 750lbs man. I have to say it makes me cry watching something like that. I have been on both ends of the spectrum and I know people will find something to pick on on anyone of any size ya know? He is brave to have his life portryed on TV like he is. I think some people really could watch that and still come off being arrogant and laughing like they are so much better. Well I hope those people never have anything happen to them or those they love that will have similiar consequences. Anything can cause people to be cruel ANYTHING!
Anyhow am hurting in every way so gonna go but I thought I would add this sweet email I got today:
Someday when my children are old enough tounderstand the logic that motivates a parent, I willtell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved youenough . . to ask where you were going, with whom,and what time you would be home.I loved you enough to be silent and let youdiscover that your new best friend was a creep.I loved you enough to make you go pay for thebubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "Istole this yesterday and want to pay for it."I loved you enough to stand over you for two hourswhile you cleaned your room, a job that should havetaken 15 minutes.I loved you enough to let you see anger,disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children mustlearn that their parents aren't perfect.I loved you enough to let you assume theresponsibility for your actions even when thepenalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to sayNO when I knew you would hate me for it.Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'mglad I won them, because in the end you won, too.And someday when your children are old enough tounderstand the logic that motivates parents, youwill tell them.Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had themeanest mother in the whole world! While other kidsate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal,eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and aTwinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And youcan guess our mother fixed us a dinner that wasdifferent from what other kids had,too.Mother insisted on knowing where we were at alltimes. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. Shehad to know who our friends were, and what we weredoing with them. She insisted that if we said wewould be gone for an hour, we would be gone for anhour or less.We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerveto break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. Wehad to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn tocook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trashand all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lieawake at night thinking of more things for us to do.She always insisted on us telling the truth, thewhole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the timewe were teenagers, she could read our minds and hadeyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the hornwhen they drove up. They had to come up to the doorso she could meet them. While everyone else coulddate when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.Because of our mother we missed out on lots ofthings other kids experienced. None of us have everbeen caught shoplifting, vandalizing other'sproperty or ever arrested for any crime. It was allher fault.Now that we have left home, we are all educated,honest adults. We are doing our best to be meanparents just like Mom was.I think that is what's wrong with the world today.It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

Confusion in the heartland

First off I can't go wish I could but if anyone is out that way: "King Ring Nancy has been invited to audition for a spot in the movie Decoy's Rebirth the audition will take place at Red's at West Edmonton Mall Tomorrow Sunday Feb 19 starting at 12.00 NOON . Fifteen bands will be auditioning for two spots in the movie presentation. Feel free to come out and cheer us on All Ages welcome"To all of the woman, may you enjoy the words, to all the men, remember to love those who either gave birth to you or to the beautiful woman who married you or shares their life with you.Why Women CryA little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?""Because I'm a woman," she told him."I don't understand," he said.His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."Later the little boy asked his father,"Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?""All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.The little boy grew up and became a man,still wondering why women cry.Finally he put in a call to God.When God answered, he asked,"God, why do women cry so easily?"God said:"When I made the woman she had to be Special.I made Her Shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,yet gentle enough to give comfort.I gave Her an Inner Strength to endure childbirthand the rejection that many times comes from her children.I gave Her a Hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up,and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.I gave Her the sensitivity to Love her children under any and All circumstances,even when her child has Hurt Her Very Badly !I gave Her Strength to carry her husband through his faultsand fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.I gave her Wisdom to know that a good husband Never Hurts his wife,but sometimes tests her strengthsand her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.""You see my son," said God,"the Beauty of a Woman is not in the clothes she wears,the figure that she carries,or the way she combs her hair.The Beauty of a woman must be seen in Her Eyes,because that is the doorway to Her Heart-the place where Love resides." Well another week is over, more tears, more heartache, more confusion. Been a long week. One moment I feel confident and better, figuring I knew the road before me but then the world disappears from under me and I am walking a bridge in the dark and not sure how but I have to get across. DJ had his friends over last night. Wow teenage boys can be loud and messy. My livingroom disappeared in a sea of games and game consoles. Our computers were taken over and testosterone filled the home. Food was eaten all night long and I swear just about every dish was used. Dishwasher is running now and doing laundry too. Tonight is much quieter, just Sarah and her 1 friend and me. Mary is not here and neither is DJ. Of course Phil is not here. We kinda got into it a little yesterday he went to see his dad and usually he wants me to go but yesterday did not. I would have been ok except his reason pissed me off. I tried just to let it go and shake it off. I didn't want to fight because if I say anything negative he makes me feel really bad. So right now I only try to keep happy and if I have any negative thoughts or emotions I keep them to myself and I go cry by myself. Somehow though I stupidly opened my mouth and so we had a small bickerment. I feel so bad I should have just kept my thoughts to myself. I guess I should understand, I don't though and I feel like that makes me really stupid!Watching Iron Chef right now I love this show todays theme is blue crab. My back is hurting so bad and nothing seems to work. I really should go in and get something because nothing over the counter is even coming close to taking the pain away. As for my anemia well I am months behind in my shots and I am tired and sore but I feel like I need to get over it. I've been on Sarah to take her iron. Thankfully it works for her to take liquid. I however have tried both types of iron pills and liquid and it did nothing. Well my doctor even said the shots are not keeping my iron up either. Some reason my iron just doesn't want to absorb. I have a big brown spot from where I was getting shots and it is pretty tender. But the way I felt was better than the small sensitivity I had. Oh that crab looks so good. I didn't wat crab until I moved to Victoria. I am on a tuna kick lately can't seem to eat enough canned tuna and also drinking MIlk like no one would believe. DJ said I drink alot of milk lol. At least it is skim milk. My surgeon said I can drink all the skim milk I want. Can't stop thinking about my tat's lately. I am thinking of getting one on my arm a little one, just not sure. I have a plan for a few tat's one representing my kids, one broken heart with a drop of blood and a Ribbon with my neices name birth and date of death. That will be my next one. The guy is ready he has the design and everything. He also did my claw tat. Phil and I were talking last night. He wants me to make my steak for his parents. I have never made dinner for anyone's family but my own before. I mean anyone who has had my steak loves it but making dinner for someone's family is scary to me. I am very nervous about it. I agreed I would do it though. Part of what we have had disagreements about is how he always got on my case to come out with him and his friends and I always felt I didn't need to. But everytime I have said let's go do something with whoever he has an excuse why we can't. So I asked him if it was all just talk. That he knew I wouldn't do it so he would have an easy time getting mad about it. He also has it in his head if he goes out without me I get mad. Yet I have constantly encouraged him to go visit his family only to have him always have a reason why he can't or won't. His family actually likes to spend time together so yeah I am always encouraging him to go there. I have always encouraged him to go out with his friends. Now he says he has no friends. Give me a break he has more friends than anyone can shake a fist at. OMG today we ran into a friend of his who the first time I met thought holy crap is he hot. But since getting to see him more so not hot and so not my type I must have been out of my head when I first thought he was hot. We saw him and his girlfriend today and I was like holy ugly batman. I mean he is not hot but he so seemed to be the type to be with someone different from her. I don't normally make comments like that I mean I only saw her for a sec so it could just be the rush of it. I mean everyone has beauty within them I just was surprised I guess. Phil went on another bout of how ugly he is last night. How his hair is crap and thining, his hair on his back and body is disgusting, he is not built the way he should be in every capacity and he thinks he has this huge gut and I just don't see it. He's growing his hair a little longer right now omg I love running my fingers through it now. So sexy. I do have to say we have been closer physically than we have been in a very very very long time. I think that's part of what is confusing me. Also hurts me when we are close that way and he puts himself down that way too and nothing I say or do makes him feel any differently. He tries to tell me how things are for me and how I feel despite my trying to tell him differently. Ooooooh I want to try those febreze noticables. I do have to say I have so many of the house room things the one we have all noticed and been most impressed with is wisp air , it's true the last puff is the same as the first. What I don't get is I went to get a refill the other day and to buy the whole thing was chepaer. Like what is that about? I plan to get one for the bathroom it would be perfect for that.Sarah and I brought out the littledirt devil spot scrubber got some of the spots of the carpet in the livingroom cause I saw in my pics one spot was bugging me. it's all gone now.
I bought a new 4 slice toaster today too for under 15 dollars. Gave DJ his bday present today too. He gave me a kiss and hug in front of his friend he was excited I finally remembered his oxy pads lol. Teens and their priorities lol. Mary has a boyfriend now and has been out alot more. She's been doing so much one day she couldn't get out of bed because her back hurt so bad. She was in tears. So I kept her home from school and gave her some motrin. She's doing better now. I hate seeing my kids when they are hurting. You just want to take away their pain. I have to go pick up a coffee pot too. I guess I must have gotten rid of mine cause no one drank coffee. But it's drank here now so I need to pick one up. Did ya vote for the next coffee mate? I voted for the vanilla chocolate one I believe it was. DJ went to the store with his friends last night bought me cloddhoppers I love those things but can only eat them in very small quantities. They are so damn good. The poppers I bought those not impressed their just smaller pieces of cloddhoppers grrrrrr. I only like the poppers and originals. Oh I am gonna try that new easy off Bam for the bathroom. I bought that bathroom stuff with teflon I am NOT impressed it SUCKS big time!!!I do like the bounce with febreze. I love stronger smelling laundry sheets. The ones with febreze are nice. Most of the sprays and room deoderizers I buy are floral I especially love potpouri. Today I picked Phil up 3 more Transformers today. I swear I have bought him so many of the cybertron series. He so loves to play with his transformers he has about 300 now I think. Holy cow the challenger won on Iron chef crap eh? Have only seen that happen twice now. Now American Justice is on The Bridge Murders. 48 Hrs Mystery was interesting tonight too.Anyhow my back is killing me so I am off for now, I leave you with these some of my favorite quotes:"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.""Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?""I fell over the bleeding you there's nothing I can do"

Not Sure How To Feel...

Well Phil has been around a little more, but if anyone thinks that has made anything more clear it has not. I am getting nothing but mixed signals and emotions. One minute I feel one thing the next I feel like I am stupid and don't know a damn thing. I just feel like I am damned if I don't and I am damned if I do. I feel like because I have made some positive changes on one hand he thinks it is good but on the other he makes me feel bad because he says him leaving made me better. But if I didn't change then that would be a reason to stay gone. So what the hell am I supposed to say or do because honest to God I feel so screwed up and confused. I don't even know who I am or am not anymore. I do know I did alot wrong and I took some things for granted that I shouldn't have. I blamed when I shouldn't have. I definetly am no innocent.
I also always threw the fact Doug loves me and has and will always love me. Not so much because I was with Doug but because I wanted Phil to love me for me. I have always felt like he couldn't do that and I always felt Doug could. The problem with Doug is he always works and I never see him. When I do see him well we all know what happens but then its always an eternity before I see him again and I get the 5 min call when he finds time and a sentence here and there in email. But Doug never yelled, never hit. He also has still in almost 8 yrs never met my son. Rarely spent a night and just always had me waiting. I do love Doug he is witty and charming and he never makes me feel stupid, he does however leave me lonely. I can talk to him about anything and everything and only time we misconstrue one another is in emails and on the net. Still it always hurt to wait for him to all hours and weeks on end. It was the whole reason I fell for Phil.
Phil tried to get along with my kids from day 1, he spent nights before we ever got involved. He took me places, we did things, he made me laugh. I did at first try to avoid him I couldn't though. He was just so easy to be around and he made me laugh and smile. He made me feel so less alone. He fulfilled something I didn't even know needed filling. He brought me around his family right away and always proudly introduced me to friends. Never held back PDA's. I miss the days we first got together things were a little looser and carefree I would love to find that again. I think the way we communicate definetly is an issue because we can't seem to communicate at all. Although last few weeks we do talk a little more. Still both of us see things a little more differently than I would like. I am trying to understand where he is coming from but I can't seem to seperate my pain enough to do that. How do I tell him that though? *tears*
Then there is feeling like I can't always say exactly how I feel because of the rush to judgement I feel there is. Like I won't ask him for a damn thing because he thinks that's all we care about is what he can give us. Even after I told him sell everything you ever gave me, don't buy me anything I will do anything to make his debts easier because I know its all he thinks about lately. If I ask for anything it's wanting things if I offer to sell stuff I am trying to hurt him and erase him. How do you get it through a persons head that it's not what someone can give you that lasts it's what they make you feel? He was going to buy this motorcycle blanket from choppers that I want on valentines day but I felt like he was going to buy it from feeling obligated and I told him don't I don't need it I can get it another time. So he didn't. I did buy him 4 transformers that were discounted in a double pack and he had hinted at wanting them so I got them. I got him a lion that sings your my heart and inspiration, a vday card a box of chocolates, 3 keyrings, and took him to dinner. We were gonna see a movie but I ended up having a migraine. I had advil and motrin and more motrin and nothing worked probably because my neck is still hurting from the fall down the stairs. I finally gave in and got some codiene and finally with codiene and gravol I passed out and got rid of the migraine. Of course not before my sister sent me a really mean email. I once again burst into tears and just went to bed. Phil did what he could to consile me and DJ happened to see it was not happy. Was not like a major mean email just huge letters and degrading. *tears* still gets me upset.
We saw the couple counsellor today. I am not sure how he is gonna work for us. I talked most but also felt uncomfortable with a male counsellor. I also feel uncomfortable with his approach and it appears Phil is kinda feeling the same way. He did ask me today why I put up with the way my family upsets me. I didn't really have an answer. I guess my only answer is they are my family and you only get one. Not to mention I feel like obviously I am a bad person if everyone in my family hates me and puts me down. I mean how else do you explain it? I am a black sheep I will never be good enough and I will die knowing that. I know if I gave up and gave in to my sometimes suicidal thoughts my mom would just come yell at me and call me a selfish witch and I guess she would be right. It's so sad when DJ went into care the social workers actually said I had the most dysfunctial family she had ever met. One worker called my sister a *itch. Not just in front of me either I was shocked. One counsellor said they normally do that behind closed doors. My sister even tried to bring up my brothers past to be like she was so much better.
Speaking of which my family may hate me but the other night someone made a comment about how a certain family member is hated by someone they know as they have seen him in their circle of friends and they don't like the way he treats his fiancee. Holy crap I flipped. I was like excuse me? He treats her so good, he would do anything for her. Who the hell do they think they are to spread crap about him? Oh I was so ticked off and I made that known and I didn't want to hear it again and I better not!! Why do people say crap like that? I know they have to be wrong!
I have to admit I need to learn how to deal better with slights and hurt. I have either a spiteful side that will strike people out of my life forever and have done magick on. Or I take it out on myself. I hurt hard and deep and the pain feels so bad I just have never learned how to deal with it. I also have an issue with pushing the men in my life as the cousellor explained it as a way to test them. If they can deal with ... then they must really love me. I expect people to hurt me especially those I am closest too. So I have over time just shut everyone out trying to protect myself from being hurt.
I am really happy I am keeping up with keeping the house done up for the most part. Phil needs to fix the vacuum though.
I don't think there is a person out there who could possibly hate housework as much as I do. I despise it and wish it would do itself. I hate how it is never ending I hate how much pain it causes my back. I hate how kids can destroy it all within minutes. I had to neaten up Sarah's room already again. Everyone gets on my case about how much I do for her. She refuses to do anything and so I do it for her. I do get on her but eventually I just give up and do it.
I put most of my jewlery back on feels wierd. I want to wear it yet at the same time I look at it and I just feel such incredible hurt. I just feel so betrayed and I can't shake that. I am trying and I know it's a me issue I just can't seem to find it in me not to feel incredible hurt.
Phil's comp is running really slow even with the programs we got to help. He gets so frustrated and I wish I could shake a wand and make it behave but I don't know why it is acting like it is.
Ya know I do miss the way some of the clothes how they were in the old days holding breasts up and out, making hips and butts be adored. I was cursed with family big hips and butt and it is hard to loose. I had lost alot but my hips somewhat found a way back mostly my hips. Although I had gained another size or two I got back into my jeans again since the heartache lately. I guess that is one positive but could use loosing a bit more on hips. I wish so much they would cover pulling up my breasts and cutting off the excess fat from arms and thighs. Since the surgery and loosing weight they kinda look odd and even my hemotologist said it would be great if I could get a full tummy tuck and hip liposuction:( I so so so wish.
DJ is having friends over this weekend for his bday. I can't believe he is getting so old. If he grows anymore I am gonna scream he is already 6'1". Makes me feel so short. He wants a dairy queen icecream cake blech I hate them so do my girls. South Park as the design so I ordered that and he wants that pizza hut pizza that looks so nasty I want to puke. I must have a dirty mind because those pizza pop bites as the crust with cheese oozing from them is sick in my eyes view. But we only have a bday once a year right? He also wants a webcam still not sure how I feel about that ya know?
I am curious how people would deal with their teen if they found out they went out drinking, had a fire while they did that and then got real sick. I never di anything like that and different people seem to have different feelings about what a parent should do. How about weed? I mean if you try to stop it they will only want to do it more right? So what does a parent do? My dad would have fricken killed me. You should have seen how he reacted to my brother smoking. What ticked me off about that was he smoked. I do think you have to rethink how you deal with your teens if your doing something you don't want them to do. I don't smoke, never done illegal drugs and rarely drink. I finished highschool because I wanted my kids to finish despite anything that may try to impede that from happening. But how do you deal with a teen who wants something different from you? When does tough love become something you use? I am definetly inquisitive of anyone who has had teens or has teens because the issues now are so different from when they were young. Yikes parenting is hard hard hard. I happen to be a parent who has gone from being brought up in a strict military home to trying to be completely opposite and being told I am too layed back. Trying to find that middle is hard.
What would you do if in your past you knew someone who duct tapped a kids mouth because they mouthed off a parent? Wouldn't you say that is the epitome of abuse? How was something like that ok back in our day to you can't ground your kids now or wash out their mouth now? I found 123 timeout it does work with most kids. My girls it worked. Not sure why it works but it does. But timeout is not a teen tool, so what is the tool you do use? The counsellor I saw today says first take care of yourself. But is it really that straight forward? I hated when my mom told us we were second dad would always be first. We were kids, we needed her. How far does a parent go to care for both sides? Thing I am proud of is my kids feel free to talk to me about pretty much anything sometimes too much. I always wanted that. I just thought parenting teens would be so cool and fun but it's not it's hard. Sometimes it's fun. Mary is fun to shop with and she helps me pick clothes better than I can do. DJ can make me laugh and think in different ways and Sarah omg she makes me laugh. But when they dig in their heels it's hard.
I am into this dancing with the stars. I turn it off at 9pm though because I have to watch CSI and Without a Trace. I am a crime fanatic I love my crime shows hugely. Anyhow on dancing with the stars I vote for Lisa yeah she used to be Billy on Days. Speaking of Days of Our Lives grrrrrr I thought Mimi finally told Shawn about the baby and Belle and then it was a dream? Damn it I screamed. Mimi tell him already don't screw this up and stop listening to your psycho mother! On Passions I am sick sick sick of Theresa take her off NOW!
LOL sarah is being a comedian right now, just her and I at the moment. I sure hope power stays on with this crappy wind and cold we are having yuck!

Ugh I am so stupid

Life is so sucking I am the stupid damn person on the planet. I had to call maintence as we had a little bathroom emergency well I was in such a rush I did not see the adapter Mary had knocked onto the top of the stairs and tripped on it and fell on my back all the way down the stairs. Mary insisted my mom take me to the hospital as Phil was working and also felt I should go to the hospital. Both were very insistant. So Mary came with and my mom dropped us off and there w were for many many many hours. To find out I have bruised back ribs, whiplash in my neck (apparently more of my stupidity because I made things worse by trying to stop the fall), I pulled muscles in my stomach that hurt so damn bad, and they thought I fractured my leg which I insisted I did not and xrays showed I was right it was the shock of landing on the adapter. I actually have the plug marks right into my foot. Which probably sent the shock into my leg thus I could barely walk. Mom came back and picked us up and Phil met me when he got off work. Not sure why because he was very withdrawn and I even painfully showered by myself because I just had to after all the limping. I thought I was going to die. It took till 6am before I was finally able to sleep. Nothing helped my pain. Not to mention Phil and I talked alot and it was some misunderstandings and some of this and that just kinda ended with just being to tired to continue. I wish people could get memory chips because what started it with him and I is his insisting I did not tell him about the kids appointment on valentines day and I know I did because telling him a day or two before frustrates him so I do try to tell him a week or so ahead but even then alot of times he doesn't remember and then we argue and I cry and then I wish I could do something so that wouldn't happen. I hate arguing with him it upsets me so much I mean so so much. I want him to be happy I hate upsetting him. Why can't I ever get anything right?
Before I leave about the hospital I have to say it is bull when someone has a stroke and the hospital has them waiting hours for a doctor. Hello damn it this person could die what the hell is wrong with people? Canada's medical system really needs help. This is sad and disgusting seriously.But maybe that's just me, ticks me off to no end.
So Mary stayed home today because she was tired from the night at the hospital. So she spent alot of hours in the basement cleaning with me. OMG it is so bare you would not believe it was a basement. Still no dog that I so supoosedly fricken had grrrr. I know I sent it to georgia I thought it was going to be put at the site. Like what the hell would I keep something so important to him for? That so upsets me. So anyhow my basement is pretty much bare. We threw out so much. DJ and Phil and Sarah took the stuff we brought up to go in the trash. I am sure some people scavenged for some of it but I care not. I did find my brothers elephant collection that Mary apparently always knew was there.
Oh my toilet now has a brand new handle that is nice to have again.
Mary didn't want to do the kitchen like she is supposed to but I just did it anyhow. So dishwasher is running and I made the cake because it didn't get made either. OMG I am hurting so damn bad now. Phil did tell me to rest but I wanted to get things done. I'll get some painkillers tomorrow the ones I had are now gone. Not that they did a damn thing.
Oh I was throwing away extra carpet and I guess I grabbed something Phil left behind a carpet or some thing that he just flipped right out about when he saw I threw out. Turns out it is something that his family has had a long time. I just wanted to cry I felt so bad. It was fine it was not with anything bad so now it is hung up and he is joyfully happy now.
Man I wish I had more pickles left I am so eating alot of tuna lately since I don't eat much I eat at least a bit of that at a time. Brainfood I guess. I guess I need it since my brother, Christine, my aunt Judy and Tiffanie at the very least think I am stupid and everything else. Yeah I don't hide behind the need to control and lie oh bad me for being so open about my life. Screw anyone who feels the need to hide who they are grow up for God sakes!
Apparently Jim now knows Phil is living at Cheri's. He apparently didn't like Phil but has decided he's fine with him there and they all talked. But apparently how I see or feel or anything else is irrelevant. My feelings don't matter and was told as much! So I guess I should just put up and shut up!
I have such a wish to meet Criss Angel/mindfreak. OMG he is so damn hot. His stunts though freak me out. I mean making it look like he was chopped up in a tree chopper and getting hit by a car and making the guy believe he was dead. What a hard thing to watch a few times I cried I was like OMG. When he got shocked and had to go to the hospital holy hell batman I felt like that was it don't go for the real thing. He really likes to push the limits he is so different from any other magician and so much hotter hello baby kiss me yeah baby.
I signed a petition for Cody Posey I don't want to him get an adult sentence. I just feel so much for that boy and I truly feel his uncle was not truly honest in his family testimony on the stand. I am sorry but too many people really seemed to collaborate Cody's testimony.
I feel like I am dying I am so sore what was I thinking doing so much and I did laundry too.
What do you say to somebody who always asks you why you love them? That they aren't worth loving? That only one person in their family and their two daughters are the only people in the world that makes them feel like they are not out of place and don't belong? How do you make them see you do love them, they are worth loving and they do belong not only with you but with their friends and family as well? I mean if you see it and they don't and nothing you say or do makes them understand that then what?
Damn my back is hurting so damn bad. of all the places to land on why my back? I could have fallen on my butt and been fine. You should have heard Mary tell the nurses and doctor trying not to laugh but not being able to help herself she giggled so loud and said all her and DJ heard was cachook cachook cachook cachook kacccssssssshhhhhhh and she still laughs. I figure when the pain fades I will laugh too. Right now the pain just makes me cry:( Anyhow hope all is well with everyone else.... oh and Happy Valentines Day :)

My Perspective

The following quotes are found in The Daily News (Halifax) By MARLA CRANSTON The Daily News december 1994
''Sackville electrician David Dicks will find out three days before Christmas whether he'll be locked up indefinitely for his 12-year history of severe pedophilia.
Nova Scotia Supreme Court Justice William Kelly said he'll rule Dec. 22 whether to declare Dicks a dangerous offender.''
''Dicks, 33, is willing to be castrated to avoid that tag, which brings an indeterminate sentence.
He molested 10 children in British Columbia and Nova Scotia since 1982 -- all boys and girls aged 11 and under.''
''Dicks seemed to be every parent's dream, helping out in the Boy Scout movement and volunteering at a B.C. hospital's pediatric ward. That's where he met one of his earliest victims, a five-year-old girl suffering from a blood disorder.
He befriended her parents and visited the family often, eventually boarding with them and becoming a surrogate father when the couple separated.''
''On a camping trip, Dicks played "truth or dare" with a group of children, offering candy rewards, Presse said.''
''The B.C. crimes netted Dicks three years in jail in April 1983.''
''Sackville pedophile David Dicks would be better off getting a "chemical castration" than actual surgery, says an Ottawa expert in sex deviants.
Surgical castration is "very effective" but presents an ethical dilemma, Dr. John Bradford told Nova Scotia Supreme Court yesterday.
''The Crown wants repeat child molester Dicks, 33, jailed indefinitely as a dangerous offender. He has had six sex-crimes convictions''
''Dicks, formerly of Danny Drive, is willing to try castration to curtail his sexual impulses.''

These are only some of the pieces from the 3 articles found but I do have to say I have an opinion or two about this.
1. this makes me so sick that someone could have been in jail for 2 and 3 yr sentences only to do it again, what the hell is wrong with our justice system. Do people know how this affects the kids in their lives? I can tell you I know what it does I have seen it first hand and it makes me ill
2. Different doctors obviously had different opnions about castration apparently surgical castration only takes away 95% of the hormones and from what I know chemical castration is not a permanent think if the regimen is not followed. Not to mention It gets rid of that part but they still have hands eyes and the sick mind that put them there in the first place. To go for castration so you don't get listed as a dangerous offender and do life in jail is bull!
This guy has had enough chances he is a dangerous offender and what makes me even sicker is how hard it was to track this guys info down. People who have kids need to know this stuff. He volunteered for boy scouts and the pediatric ward for goodness sake. What the hell? I think canada needs to make it harder for these people and make it more common knowledge so that there is less of a chance of them doing it again. I can't find what his sentence ended up being and not sure where he is as one doctor I guess felt ontario may have been a better place in the jail system for programs for guys like him. Why is it so hard to find out what happened at the end of all this? Those who are parents and love children should really be concerned as this is just one out there and from the info I have read he's one in a sea of predators. Something has got to change!!!
Anyhow moving on did you watch entertainment tonight? The lady who went out and talked to people as herself and then as a fat suit person? I could cry watching that. People really do discriminate with weight the difference is so obvious and disgusting. Ya know people with weight issues are not always lazy or unhealthy. Some fat people have health issues that cause the problems. I know my weight has fluctuated with my meds which is another reason I hate taking them:( Some people gain weight with something traumatic that happened in their life. It is something that keeps in their mind safe. My surgeon said it is also alot to do with heredity. I had weightloss surgery the RNY Roux en Y (gastric bypass), also had a pannelectomy to take off the excess skin I had after loosing almost 200lbs. I gained a bit back but I pray to never get back to where I was. Ya know when I was younger I was tiny in everyway except always had big hips and a big butt, no matter what I do I just do. Happens to be right through my mom's side of the family. Do people realize how many teens starve themselves or purge because society makes such a huge deal of weight. What the hell is wrong with people? Ya know after I lost all the weight I became anemic and still am very anemic, I had to get my gallbladder out and I now have osteoarthritis in my upper lumbar spine which causes me so much pain ya have no idea. Some days I just wish to die because the pain is just too much. Before and after weightloss I still am diagnosed with bi-polar, severe depression, OCD, Post traumatic stress disorder and another disorder I still have a hard time talking about. Let's just say it causes physical scars. No weight will ever change that about me.
Phil is nicely built I think yet he thinks God is unfair to some and not others as he has hair on his chest and back, his hair is thining and he has pretty bad psorisis which I also have but only on my scalp although may be developing on my arms now too. However his hair bothers him it doesn't bother me the thinning or the body hair. Who cares I mean honestly. He is also only 5'4" and I know alot of women give him the cold shoulder because of it. I love it because I am only 5'1" and a half. It's honestly nothing to me. He has blue eyes that melt your heart. His blonde hair is still beautiful to me. He is built so his arms being around you can't help you feel anything but safe.
Ya know what he did? He bought us tickets to Aerosmith omg I am so excited I can't barely wait. I can't remember seeing them in canada before. I am so damn excited. I thought I lost my camera in his car one day last week and he swore he looked and it wasn't there. I was so upset. So he bought me a new one online. I went to karate last night with him and Sarah and there it was between the seats. I should have gone and looked. Grrrrr. After karate last night he bought us pizza at dominos and spent the night. I won't see him again for a couple days now. He did say last night he noticed things are better between us and alot calmer. Part of that is I reserve my judgements and frustrations and keep them to myself. No point in getting him riled up. Pretty quiet here no kids here tonight. No kids and no Phil. Hmmmmmmm....
Ya know I am so tired of this Tonya Harding News lately, I used to watch the figure skating all the time until she had Nancy Kerrigan attacked. I just lost interest then. She sure has changed alot that Tonya.
Doug has still written me little one sentence emails every now and again. Never longer than a sentence.
Ya know who else who is coming that I really really want to see? MOTLEY CRUE omg I so wish I could go see them. Phil tried to get me Bryan Adams tickets but they were sold out:( I was sad about that.
I had an uncomfortable feeling today when Phil talked to Cheri and she doesn't want this guy Jim I think it is to know Phil is living there. I was like that doesn't sound right. Phil said he is not sure what it's about but Cheri is living with her guy and they have a kid and so nothing is going on. I guess I just must be too parnoid like he said. I guess knowing he has skinny dipped with her makes me feel a little skeptical. I guess skinny dipping to me is only for two people who are close who share that together. Phil thinks it's ok to skinny dip with anyone and everyone. I guess in some ways I am a little held back. No one would have guessed that. Makes me cry though I just have a real hang up with it. Ya know I have done alot but have not done that with anyone.
Did anyone watch 48hrs mystery last week. The little 13 yr old girl who was accused of killing a baby when she was babysitting but was to me it seemed coerced into making the statements she made and no family or lawyer so the judge wouldn't allow that into the court so no charges are pending at this time. The girl babysat for days on end. She was 13 I think of my 13 yr old and it just I think was unreasonable to have her being alone with those kids as much as she was. The mother should have found someone older. But that's my opinion I guess. Anyhow I rambled long enough... Later....

Just Thinking

Ya know wouldn't it be nice to not pay rent for years and then live back and forth at 2 places and still not pay rent at either, help with bills at one pay nothing at another. Being only responsible for your gas, own bills. I wish we could all be so damn lucky. But whatever I guess some people get all the luck.
Watching CSI the domme is on again.
I was in an office today and I heard a few teens talk about how they are having to live on the streets I felt so bad for them. As I saw someone give one of them some noodles and a couple puddings I just wished I could do soemthing. I know some kids put themselves out there for it but some don't.
My dad put me out when I was 17 and pregnant completely banned me from family. I remember living in a run down house no electricity, brown water, cold and heated up with candles. Living on pretty much nothing. A family took me in at 5 months pregnant and helped me get started. I honestly don't know where I would have ended up if they hadn't taken me. They didn't know me from Jack. I will never forget their warmth and kindness. They never asked for anything. I wish so much I could do that for someone else. I feel like I owe society a debt ya know?
My heart is still breaking I still feel like nothing I do or say is good enough. I feel very alone.
I did see a counsellor a few days ago I guess that helped a little bit. It sucks my meds are making me sick. My wellbutrin and epival are making me so nauseated I refuse to take them. They keep trying different doses but they don't make a damn bit of difference. Only thing not causing a reaction is the celexa and zopiclone. Sucks too I have to pay for the zopiclone so until I have the money for it I can't get it and it helps me actually sleep.
I am starting to be able to eat a little more and get more sleep than I was getting but still not enough of either.
Phil thinks Steve Martin doing the pink panther movie is ridiculous. I think doing the movie over is stupid period. All of us want to see the movie when a stranger calls and Underworld Revolution. Phil had told us he would take us but with everything that happened lately he never did. I told Dj maybe I can come up with enough to go at the end of the month.
I love the new Bell commercial with the beavers. Too funny. Gotta love being canadian eh? I mean the fricken beaver. Oh yeah an animal to be damn proud of. You piss us off we chew you up with our big buck teeth. Alrighty then.
Cody Posey was found guilty of manslaughter killing his dad second degree murder of his step mom and 1st degree murder of his step sister. I listened to most of the trial and I can't help but feel like this kid needs more of a mental institution to get the help he needs from years of abuse rather than jail time. He was 14 and he had been abused for years and it appears his dad may have been abused. His dad really had so many people testify against him. He was 14 and yeah what he did was so wrong and he does need consequences his step sister did nothing wrong. But I honestly in my heart think jail is not the answer. Just breaks my heart. Apparently he laid on the floor where he had waited for the jury and cried. They are appealing the case but I don't see it changing much. My heart feels for him. The jury doesn't know his grandmother on his dad's side killed his grandfather and then herself. This is generational and I believe his Uncle did some lying on the stand. I truly do. Which is not uncommon for victims of abuse. I believe the state should also be held liable for what happened to Cody they should have done more to check into the reported abuse and those around him should have said more. This is a prime example of what happens when people keep quiet.
As for this elected official changing to conservative when he was voted in as a liberal on the mainland my God people get over it. It has happened before and I am sure it will happen again.
Apparently Doug has been working to all hours of the night stripping strip malls floors and stores. Apparently a group of them have been doing the work. They do it every 6 to 9 months. Oh the joy and fun in that eh? I heard from him on the phone a couple times for a few minutes and emailed me a few times but that's about the size of it.
I cleaned Sarah's room the other day took me 3 hours. I thought I was never going to get through it. I got rid of almost everything in there. Anyone know how to get oil paint of wood and walls? I am so frustrated I can't get it off. I still have to finish the basement. I did get all the laundry done and put away. Funny how socks like hell just showed up. I have 4 drawers of matched up socks. Not sure where the heck they all came from. Dj cleaned his room but still needs to wash his floor as do I need to wash my bedroom floor. The kitchen and hallway floor are washed. Working pretty hard to keep things clean as possible. Phil actually even did some dishes tonight. He used to do them all the time when he was here more.
Dj and Mary are going to do respite on the weekends until Mary goes to her dad's. Gives everybody a break. They tried to tell me today there is no budget for respite. Uhm hello yeah there is Dj gets it so I know there is.
I told them I need the break on the weekends otherwise I am not gonna be able to cope. I swear to God.
You can probably tell by my pics my hair is finally growing back I have it to just past half my back. I am growing it back down to my waist. I have always loved long hair on men and on women. Especially me. Something about long hair makes me feel a little safer too. I can hide behind it. I am wearing it down alot more.
I cried I lost my digital camera the other day. I have never lost a camera in my life and I take it with me everywhere and I can't find it. I cannot express how upset that has made me:(
Mary made cake again everyone loves her baking it goes as fast as she makes it.
DJ wants a icecream cake from dairy queen for his birthday and that new pizza from pizza hut with the cheese pops around the crust my God that stuff looks just so damn nasty. Blech. The girls and I don't much like icecream cake it's very rich.
Still looking for a new dog a small one. I miss Princess so much. It's amazing how different a dog can make you feel. My psychiatrist was happy I had one and I miss her. I really need a small dog though.
Anyhow my kids just informed me we need more laundry soap nice I have had it all of a week. Grrrrrr I am off for now....

Hurts so bad...

So how does one deal with someone who you love that makes you feel as if your being ripped apart. I mean is it crazy to feel so messed up when one minute the one you love is holding you and making love to you and the next minute their telling you they don't know if there is anything there. Then tells you they love you and is cuddly and loving then tells you to let them go? I feel so messed up and torn apart and then to have my kids thrown into it one minute they love them next they hate how they are. I feel like the world is crumbling underneath me. Everything and everyone is out of my control. I feel like my world is spiraling out of control and I just really don't see the light. Oh God I can't I just feel like I am dying a little more every moment. I don't think there is a thing I can say or do that really matters I just am worthless....Oh God I can't stop crying and dry heaving and I am loosing so much weight and I hardly sleep and I just don't know how much longer I can... God I am so worthless...I am so sorry I am so so so sorry I am so horrible a person I'm sorry...

Crazy Messed Up Confused

Well I went last night to watch the girls and Phil in karate class, took a bunch of pics. My god I have so many pics to work on right now it is not even funny. Anyhow I came to the conclusion last night that if I have any chance at being where I want to be I can't be me anymore. I am not good enough and I have to try and be someone else. I keep hearing that sentence over and over in my head "your not good enough". I realized that I have complete loss of control, I obviously am not worthy if I don't become someone else. The person I am or am changing from is useless and worthless and just not loveable. So fine I will be calmer I will be what they call a stepford wife, or least try. I will force myself to look at the darkness and I will hide my tears away from those who can see because to see them only makes me stupid and weak they don't fix anything. Apparently I am very supportive and I always try to help but those two things don't count for a damn thing.
I still am not eating, people are even noticing my loosing weight. I have barely eaten a thing since Phil left. I try to eat and I just want to puke. I drink a little, enough to keep me going. Milk, water, a little pop. Even Dj has told me this not eating is not good but I just am so destroyed inside and feel so worthless and unloved that I just can't fathom food. At least I am sleeping now out of pure exhaustion. Still not sleeping all the hours I need though. I have most of the laundry from the basement done and put away I have a bit more. I plan tomorrow to get to work on taking garbage out from down there and washing the floors. I dusted most of the livingroom yesterday I have bit more to do. My back hurts but too bad for me I should just bite it and deal with the pain. I haven't had my iron shots in almost two months Phil hates to go to the doctor and doesn't think anyone needs to go as much as I have. I am supposed to go every two weeks but maybe he's right maybe I am just weak and I don't need it.
I got the dishes into the dishwasher, DJ washed the pans. Sarah and her friends worked on the backyard and then I made them scrub up the mud they got on my carpet. My back yard is a freakin creek. How many more damn days of rain do we need for crying out loud?
I told Phil I want my leather jacket back, my ring back and Storm. I am the one who got Storm who calls the vet and make sure he has the medical attention he needs. Yeah he is close to Phil but Casper misses Storm and with Princess gone I miss having Storm. Mary is taking Casper when she leaves. We never see him anyway he is not vocal and interactive like Storm is.
I colored a poster for the kids and have one for Phil. Mary had dolphins, DJ a dragon and Sarah a unicorn I find it therapeutic to colour the velvet posters. I have a bunch of them.
Watching Law and Order CI I love the old cops but not these new two. Right now though the old cops are on this show.
Ya know I went out shopping yesterday and Phil and Mary automatically assumed I went with a guy. Why would you make that assumption for pete's sake? DJ was like oh yeah such a hard ass fun time at Walmart.
So Valentines Day is coming. My kids are oh so lucky they get their eyes checked that day. LOL I am ready for the day though I guess as ready as I can be. It's always been my favorite special occasion, although this year I just don't know what to expect. I don't seem to know anything lately. Feel more lately like I am told what to do what to say what to think and how to act. I'm so bad because I keep to myself and don't go out. Fine I will go out. I will go to counselling, I will apologize for everything and I will not blame for anything ever again. I mean that's how I feel and even that I don't know if it is right.
Ya know I did listen to Phil constantly put himself down and ask me how I could love him. If I got mad or anyone else we wanted him gone so we could do whatever. How long can you hear that before you start to wonder if maybe he is right?
I don't feel very supported by my family and I never have but Phil is and yet even though they protect him and love him he sees it as a negative. He thinks they don't think he is capable of anything. I have tried so hard to tell him I don't see it that way and that they really love him. I can't look or mention a peep about his younger brother or I am hot for him. He's made it known a certain brother in law hates me. He builds up his neices and their mother to God status and I feel like if I speak around them I will just sound stupid and so I just try to keep quiet. Phil grew up in some similiar situations as my kids and so he tries to fix what he think was done wrong by his mother. But I keep telling him we're not him and his family we're us.
I also hate being told what I think and feel. What is good for me. No it's not good for me it's good for him.
I do love Phil, I love him with his thining hair that he freaks about daily, I love his hairy chest and his hairy back is just fine by me. His blue eyes will melt any persons heart and when he is tender my God he is so tender. But when he's hard and cold he is super hard and cold. So right now I feel like I am standing on the edge and I am being dangled and can be dropped at any moment.
I'm trying to save myself by trying to be someone new. It's hard but when you love someone you will do anything for them right?

Phil was here again

Well Phil was here again. He went to counselling and has an appointment for intake to couple counselling next tuesday as do I by ourselves.
Michael is not paying his support this month which so screws me. I love how he just decides when he will or won't pay. Sometimes I despise him so much. I talked to his mom today and she says that he is still taking Mary at the end of the school year so at least I have that.
Made calls and slowly but surely we are getting Mary into a busy schedule. The busier I can keep her the better.
Thankfully Karyn so far is taking her on weekends too so at least I have that much as well.
Today was just a bad day Karyn had to let me know she got another dog while I am still upset over loosing Princess. Michael isn't paying up. Phil is still cold. I called my counsellor and she is gone till monday. It was just a joke.
But I am starting to calm down. I cleaned the kitchen, picked up crap laying around the livingroom and getting DJ to take out the garbage and vacuum the livingroom. Maybe I'll dust in a bit. I also need to go down and do up the laundry that I have no idea where it came from. I had that basement clean too it pisses me off.
I hope to get to washing the floors sometime this weekend cause they are driving me insane. I would like to get someone in to steamclean the carpets.
I told the kids we can get another dog, just have to keep my out for a small puppy that won't get much bigger than 15-20lbs.
Ya know it sucks cause only person I been close to this past year is Phil. I barely talk to anyone, I never go out, I never invite people over. I have just shut myself up in a shell and now I am dying inside and feel so abandoned and confused and alone. I don't know what to do or say to anyone.
OMG Sarah and Mary are fighting over fricken tea, there was so less fighting when Mary wasn't here.
Just have to make it till summer. I knew when Mary came home there would be a chance Phil would walk, and he did. Has even said maybe when she is gone he will come back. He says she is not the reason but I know she is a big part of the reason.
Well I cleaned up a big part of the kitchen, DJ and I worked on the livingroom and Mary is doing the bathroom. Got DJ to take out 2 bags of garbage will dust tonight or tomorrow.
My Taz came in today but since Phil bought it I don't want to see it. Told him to keep it.
I hate that I feel like I am being controlled. I feel like I have to do as exactly told or I am pretty much done. Yet nothing I do do is enough there's just nothing I can say or do to make any difference. I feel like I am just dying and I am grabbing out for life and no one is there except to push me back down. I really hate how much I am hurting and I feel so alone and abandoned. I just am not sure where to reach or what I can do or say. I am just not worth more than a toy....