Phil was here

Yep Phil was here and we talked well I think he talked more. I just don't know what to say I mean I have no decision in this process. I have no control and I guess that scares me. I cried alot at counselling today and I am now sick. Scratchy throat and sore ears and headaches from congestion. I have barely slept or eat since the weekend. Phil eats, sleeps and does whatever oh so easily. He says it is hard for him too but I don't believe it not for a second. I hVE NOT SEEN ONE TEAR. HE DID TRY TO CONVICE ME TO KEEP MY THINGS AND i REFUSED i DON'T WANT TO EVEN LOOK AT ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIM. OOPs caps. I hate that caps button:( Mary has been harder to deal with and Sarah is not herself. Phil thinks he can be in their lives walk out and it has no effect, hello wtf? I don't care their not his kids and will never be his kids their mine. I have Michael to talk to about the girls and DJ well if I have not figured out dealing with him by now I never will.
Missing Princess alot as are the kids especially Sarah she reminds me a few times a day I got rid of her.
I did load the dishwasher and wash the counters and table and do laundry and put it away. I'll do more later. Mary scrubbed the pots and bowls. So kids went to get slurpees.
Phil wants to do couple counselling I don't know I am a little apprehensive. I wanted to go a year ago and he was set against it. Now he is pushing me to go. So fine I will go. I will be all counselled out. I have my own personal counselling with psychiatrist and counseller and then I will be in group therapy for people with bipolar, very nervous about that. Now couple counselling? UGH!
Oh yeah for those curious I did NOT see Doug that night or since.
I really thought I could save my heart from being crushed really did. I f I kept Phil at arms length if he left he couldn't hurt me, where did that plan go wrong?
Gotta love these 90kmh winds in Victoria eh? Glad we are lucky enough to still have power though. Weather sure seems to be in sync with how I feel lately. I honestly don't know how to feel or what to do or what to believe. I am just crushed have no trust left and feel more vulnerable than I have for a long time. I despise that feeling...

Another Night of Tears

Well Sarah hates me and has done nothing but yell, cry and tell me she will never forgive me. She hates that Phil left and hates that I got rid of Princess. Dj is upset he won't have what we could have with Phil and Mary is also upset about phil and the dog going. Mary, Sarah and I have done nothing but cry. I packed anything Phil ever gave me to look at any of it would only remind me of the lies and betrayal and how little we all truly ever meant to him. Obviously I was never good enough for him. I knew I should never get so close to anyone I knew it could hurt the kids but no he assured me and I believed him and I was fucking stupid. Ya know yeah he punched my chair and the wall but he also is holding in this pain about something that happened to him as a child and he is letting this fucking guy from childhood ruin everything in his life. Anytime you get close he runs and he won't stop running until he forgives himself for not doing what he so much thinks he should have done. I wish he would stop giving this guy so much power over his life. It hurts me because I see how much it affects him and hurts him and he blames so much, God I hate it. But who am I to fucking say anything? God there is so much I have sacrificed because I just want to help him. FUck I hate this. I also hate and cried all night about my baby girl thinking of her outside in the wind and rain and how she is used to being in the house, I miss her and had to put away anything that reminds me of her.I don't know I am just dead and numb and I can't cry anymore yet I still do. I hate life...

What's the point of love if it only kills you in the end?

Well I just keep loosing everything. Phil left but didn't take the dog only his beloved cat and I am not able to handle her on my own so I had to give her up. I feel so empty inside like what is the point of loving anyone or anything when in the end it will only rip you apart. I tell you this fuck love I'm done with it. I will never love again because love will kill me if I do...

Phil is gone

Well it's just me and the kids again. Phil thinks he is a risk to me because he punshed a chair I was in. So he says anyways. I think he always wanted to leave and I am not going to stop him what would be the point? I called Doug he is supposed to come over tonight maybe then I will be able to smile. Hope things are better for everyone else!!!

Welcome to Another Year

Well I guess it is another year. They all seem to blend into one another now adays. I did not have a great beginning to the year. Let's just say I brought a box up to my room and just didn't want to do this anymore. I refused to answer the phone except to the kids. DJ called me I called Sarah who was upset she sees Michael a few times a year and he made her go to her grandparents at 10pm and she was sooooooooooo upset. Of course all his friend, his gf and her kids stayed there. I guess his own blood is insignificant. I had to beg her to not be mad and to have fun with hhas shown he can be. him today as she is coming home tomorrow. God he just is never going to the father to her that he can be. Yet he is apparently so good to his gf's kids and the kids at the school he works with. Bad things happen to him I always feel bad, but what the hell for? I could die and all he'd be upset about is maybe having to be a real father. He's always treated Mary like his angel and Sarah like whatever comes over him at the time.
My emotions are a little all over the place, last night I was thankful to have my sleeping pills cause lately I can't seem to sleep without some help. Apprenetly though when Phil got home we "made up". I have no recollection that sometimes happens on my pills that's why I take them only alone or with an adult in the house. We did talk today it was ruff but maybe MAYBE things will change. Part of my issue is I can't seem to get over the snapping and trying to trust when my trust has been broken over and over. I mean if you have someone lie to your face several times and catch them in it how do you learn to trust them?
I am no innocent everyone knows that. I am tempermental, I am over emotional and I have done things I shouldn't of but when I did I told them, I told them, not hid them or lied I told. SINCE WHEN IS IT BETTER TO LIE THEN TELL THE TRUTH? I have learned that it can be so painful in telling the truth but the consequesnces are better than knowing your carrying around a lie.I'm watching Surrender Dorothy I swear the girl who played Sarah is the lady who also plays in REUNION and is the one of the group of them that dies in that show. Anyone else watch reunion? I love that show.
I watch movies like this and it makes me cry. I think about my sister in law who died. I think about my neice who died and my brother who had to see it through. I can't imagine the pain, not even if I wanted to. But I do know the emptiness in my heart of loosing a child I did miscarry, but the pain of sending Mary to live with my brother makes me feel dead more and more everyday. How does God decide who gets their child and who doesn't? I want to know, I want to know HOWWWWWWWW????
I've been hospitalized for suicide attemps, had my stomach pumped, I wanted to die but I didn't. One time I never this lady's face but the whole time I was in hospital she talked about how she will never see the outside, she was terminally ill and it was only time. But that she was happy just to have every moment. She asked me what would it have been like if I had turned myself to a vegetable to suffer the rest of life. I hated her for saying that, but I hated her because what if I had? I hated the doctors for saving me. I hated the hell I felt I was in. I often make a joke that Heaven will never take me and I'm too much for hell to want. It's often how I feel. Sad I know. I'm suring having been diagnosed as bipolar when younger would have helped but I am diagnosed now. I guess that should be seen as a blessing. I just hate having to be on meds. I am so sick of pills and shots and being tired and blood tests. Tired of explaining what I feel or don't feel what I hear or don't hear. I used to yell alot, grew up that way now I shut people out. I've gotten really good at shutting people out. I remember my brother telling me once we learned one thing and learned it well and that is to be angry. How do you unteach that? It's funny cause my oldest and youngest don't really have anger no it's an I don't care attitude. Which Phil so hates and sometimes it annoys me too, but I prefer that then to anger.
Here's a question not to related to anything. If you had a parent who wanted to give you money when they died and they decided not only you and your siblings would get split but someone they cared about apparently was to be put into the split. Would you care that they weren't dating that you felt there was no love between the two? Would you care if that person was going to get money too? See me I would be more upset that the parent died? Not all of us have parents with money. You know all I want is my dad's dog tags, why? because they were so close to him for so long they will always carry apart of him with them. I just can't imagine how anyone could get so upset about someone else getting money, who the hell cares?
I do have wishes I don't DON'T want to be russucitated. I DO NOT WANT TO BE KEPT ALIVE ON A MACHINE FOR ANY REASON. I don't want my skin or eyes or anything used for science exception being my brain, if it can help at all understand how to help others yes please take it. I only want to donate, major organs. Personally I don't think they could use much of me anyhow. Apparently I don't have the best liver. I do have asthma. I had a gastric bypass which affected my stomach and intestine. I have no gall bladder, no uterus, no fallopian tubes, a raised bladder. Osteoarthritis in my upper lumbar spine and getting worse. Honestly who could I help?
I have talked to my kids about their wishes and Phil. Alden and Tara made me realize how quickly things can change, ya know?
God have I chatted on here long enough, sorry I guess I am getting alot out. I actually am starting to feel less like crying. It's amazing how therapeutic writing can be. My therapist says it's good for me. Anyhow have a great new year everyone!

Happy Holidays

Well yeah I been quiet back to my sad depressive state lately and very tired I am a month behind on my iron shots. Everyone here got super sick before the holidays and DJ poor boy even got chickenpox. I never saw Mary just for a few minutes when she came to get her gifts. I broke down and cried christmas eve and since just try to numb the pain. I had fun at Doreens on the 23rd had a few drinks was numb my absolute favorite feeling in the world. Nothing beats feeling like nothing can hurt you and nothing matters, numb is the only feeling I enjoy. However when we went to Sherri's for christmas we had someone watch the dog but then couldn't and Phil just lost it. So I spent time in the room until Sherri calmed him down. It reminded me of why I don't go out anymore. Anything to avoid being in the light and the madness. I grew up that way I don't want that in front of others now. He apologized and everyone was fine but I was hard pressed to just be happy. Eventually at about 2am when we couldn't sleep I gave him one of his transformers and he gave me a stuffed snowman with spiced apple body stuff. We spent the next few hours laughing trying to keep things down. However DJ couldn't sleep either so we gave him Phil's cell to play chess on while we listened to my ipod. I got Phil a ton of transformers for Christmas. Sarah got her bike and was so happy, DJ got a few things he really wanted and Sherri I got her unicorn and friend stuff I wanted her to feel christmased up too. I cooked "George" turkey the night before we left and left it in the crock pot with all the other stuff so I wouldn't have to cook Christmas night. Which was good as DJ fell asleep at 5pm I had fell asleep a few times and crashed about 7:30pm and Phil and Sarah not too far behind. Boxing day we went to his sisters but after a few hours I had a headache and Phil refused to leave so I went and layed in the car and Sarah came with. Went to walmart for a couple things then went home and took some much needed tylenol. My TMJ is really bad for a month now. Hurts to open my mouth alot so always taking advil just to be able to open my mouth. I swear God hates me, he wants me to suffer, who has this much wrong with them at this age? It's bullshit. Yesterday Phil was supposed to go up island but DJ and I were so tired, Sarah was gone and Phil was so sick, I mean so sick. I even made him call in to work and he slept most of the day. Got up and cleaned for an hour or so and then crashed for the night. So nice to see the place all cleaned up, you have no idea. So anyhow what did I get? Well Sarah gave me a bobblehead german shepard as I am trying to collect german shepards. Dj got me my I-Dog which made me soooooooooooo happy, just hate that it takes batteries it died in a day:( Phil gave me a little of this and that in the stocking, but for christmas he gave a diamond heart ring, diamond heart earings and a black and white sparkly cameo watch. I LOVE CAMEO's. Before Christmas he did get me a black and white cameo ring, it's big but I am so in love with cameo's I refuse to not wear it. I also got white gold black and white cameo earings which I refuse to ever take out. Now I just need a black and white cameo necklace in gold which so far we can't find:( We got a cup filled with drinks and candy from one of Phil's brothers and a container with baked goods from his parents. We got all the adults either chocolate, cookies w/tray or nuts. My mom and dad, grandmother and sister and brother didn't give anything this year. Dj and Sarah got decorations from my mom and dad, 25 dollars from my grandmother and Sarah got something not sure yet from my sister. The kids also got nice things from Phil's parents and yes all 3. We did get Mary some perfume, a really nice dolphin clock you'd be surprised how something like that costs so much, a jewlery box, a snowflake necklace and bracelet, a small dolphin, beads and Dj and Sarah each got her a gift.Michael gave us money towards the bike, and gave her another gift when she got there. I gave her gifts for him and her grandparents and Michael's new girlfriends daughters whom apparently got alot from Michael themselves this christmas from what Sarah said. None of the kids will be here for New Years eve and not even sure that Phil will be. We had an electrical storm not too long ago holy crap it woke DJ out of a sound sleep I have never heard thunder like that in my life and I have been all over canada. Oh I am so proud of myself of all the transformers I got Phil only DJ's was a match. Do I rock or what? The guy has about 200 of them, so not getting a double was lucky. DJ even went around checking each one lol. I also got lucky 2 different types came out just before christmas. I truly do hate the holidays though, all I been able to think of lately is Alden (my deceased niece), Christmas I hated before but now I hate it more. We didn't even put up one decoration this year. Sarah had a tree in her room. I despise the holidays. Not having one of your children makes it harder, but to find out Mary opened all our gifts before christmas made me cry that much more. I felt destroyed and like someone beat the hell out of me, like telling me you don't matter. She even told Sarah what she got from her before she opened them.Yes she got Sarah a big black horse and a small gold plated horse clock and got DJ a gummy necklace which he gave to Sarah. I and Phil got a card.So we have to switch over to a shaw number because telus will not release our number, we had to change numbers before because the phone company I had wouldn't release my number either. Grrrrrrr....Princess, Storm and Casper liked their gifts:)Especially PrincessOh I been looking out for puggles but found out in BC at least they are not registered here so trying to find one is difficult. Damn it. They are so cute and small and omg I just love them. I have just a normal pug stuffed that Mary gave me that I absolutely adore I won't let anyone touch it. Oh yeah before christmas too Phil got me on the net a giggle pillsbury dough boy which is hard to get and a plastic original pillsbury dough boy. Anyone know where you can get plastic bags to cover toys?Anyway I feel like crying again so am off. Oh I can say I am happy today I finally got my bracelet that supports SIDS families. It said in the letter I was a hero I am writing to tell them I am not. I am honouring my promise to Alden to supports SIDS every year if I could. Hope everyone has happy holidays and maybe when the holidays are over I will begin to feel a little better again...
Something I got in my email and always makes me cry so close to me too closeI Got Flowers TodayWe had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day.Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral! Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......

Alive and changing

Well I haven'treally been online lately. I did go to see my therapist and they put me back on my meds. I always feel dizzy and nauseated when I first go back on them. I told them though my biggest issue right now is I am constantly feeling aggiated. I don't want to be touched or huged or even have anyone talk to me, because I have this creepy crawly feeling in me when they do. I can only explain it as trying to listen to as many things at possible and through all that noise you are trying hard to concentrate on what the person is doing. I have never felt this aggitated before.Since I have been offline I got some new jeans, I got a leather jacket that had a fricken awesome low price. We figured out how to use the ipod. I got a couple of warmer shirts. I had no warm winter clothes. We bought Sarah's big gift and even Michael put money towards it. I am impressed. Sarah has her hair cut short now. We got tired of telling her to brush her hair. It looks bad when she doesn't brush it.We discovered Princess has like this scaly skin on the back of her by her tail. It's like baby cradle cap never seen that on a dog before. So I been treating it with tee tree oil and combing out as many flakes as I can every day. My therapist put me back on my sleep meds because I have been up for 3 and 4 days at a time sometimes. Even though I am tired I can't sleep. Having them is slowly getting me back on track and I only need them when I am so wide awake and need to sleep. Lately I am again getting tired on my own.I got a shock from my heating pad. Man that hurt. I discovered the wires were out of the plastic that supports the wire. I was thankful that I got shocked rather then there being a fire. I bought a new one which happened to be on sale, that rocks. Plus this one has 4 settings and it turns itself off in 2 hours time. My ears have been ringing for 4 days now I hate that. I also have that stiff achy feeling in my lower legs and feet. This time though it's slowly also happening in my arms. Massage helps to an extenet but honest to God I feel like someone is trying to pull my bones out of my toes. Then on top of that I feel really hot. My feet are hot legs are not as hot but warm and my hands are hot and sore. My hands get so hot I swear I could fry an egg. It's seriously not cool.We get our hampers in just a few more days. Curious what these chrisco hampers are like. You pay just a bit of money every month for I think 8 months and then just before christmas they bring them to you. We ordered a turkey hamper, a roast hamper and a strictly just chicken hamper. On TV the hampers look awesome. I love this time of year egg nog season whew hoo. It's the only part of this part of year that I love. I hate christmas, I hate the holidays. It's depressing and nothing like I remember as a kid. I haven't talked to Doug much a couple times he was supposed to come over but it never came to be due in my part. I am still not really hungry but thirsty alot. I can't seem to drink enough and I have been laying off the pop too. I actually drink alot of water and milk and light eggnog cause normal eggnog is too much for my pouch now. I'm almost done with my shopping for Phil. I thought I was going to die when I went to the mall. I had such a bad anxiety attack I had to call Phil to come get me. I hate crowds. I've changed so much I used to be the most social person and now I prefer to stay away from everyone and I have learned to trust no one and I do mean no one!!!We tried out the shaw phone and love it so we're getting rid of telus and sticking with cable phone. I love being able to call anywhere in north america at any time for free and 411 is free and 911 is beefed up.I broke another tooth omg it kills I been using anbesol so much. I will eventually have to go in because the nerve is exposed. Cold and hot stuff omg OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!Phil is really trying to be sweet with me and patient with me. We've bickered a couple of times but nothing serious and not long fights thank god. He is always always telling me that he really does love me. He wants me to trust him but I can't go there not yet, not ready. I watched the Knots Landing reunion last night, now I also saw Dallas this year what we need now is Dynasty. Such a blast from the past.`You know what I hate about meds? The dryness it leaves in your mouth, blech.I was talking to Phil I told him I want to go back to school. Even if it is just 1 or 2 classes. I have such an interest in criminology. I would so love to be a profiler. I am always profiling just for kicks. I'm sure it's different in real life though. I am so happy to now have a cell phone, no more spending a quarter to find out where the hell he is in the store. The first place I always look is in toys because his transformers are his whole life, and I am surrounded by them.Sarah is still coming and laying beside me at night till Phil gets home. It's not every night but she's still doing it. I think that will slowly stop. The pain I was talking about ya know in my arms it's wierd cause the insides in the crook omg when I put my arm out or stretch it in any capacity it's like owwwwwwwwwww. Why do I have to have so many things wrong with me? It's not fricken fair and I am tired of it. Oh I have a small stuffed piglet now. He is my favorite cartoon guy. I am waiting for my pillbury dough boy to come now too. I have a plastic one and a stuffed giggly one. My dog can sit, lay down, shake a paw, jump up and catch a toy or food. But I can't get her to do SPEAK or ROLL OVER. I tried to teach her to keep something on her nose and flip it into her mouth:( Oh and she has learned to get a toy or ball but can't seem to grasp dropping it when she brings it back. She plays cat and mouse. Silly dog. We went to vacuum and nothing was getting picked up. The fricken thing is clogged. There is no blow button and it's an upright bagless how the hell do I get it unclogged? Princess has her hair everywhere mine is around alot too it's grown alot. Anyhow I've bitched long enough I am off ta ta...

Potpouri of Stuff

Well it's another day. Sitting here looking outside wow how foggy it is. I actually love the fog. Just hate the cold. It's damn cold out right now. Poor Phil wandering around all night in that cold. I'm surprised he doesn't get sick more often. Casuse he does security and walks around alot and gets sweaty and then cold. One gets sick easily that way. He has been more tired and cranky lately, but not headachy or nauseated like DJ and I.DJ actually is so sick he spent the entire day sleeping. Except me waking him up to make him drink some gingerale and have some soup. He was going to take Sarah to the parade but I told him not to worry about it just to rest. Sarah was fine because I let her have a sleep over tonight. She has had quite a few now a days. If she isn't busy with her stuff she is with friends or their here:) Apparently today she saw her sister with Christine in our parking lot picking up C for a sleepover. I am sure miss thing thinks I would be pissed to hear that but no I am not. It's her mother I despise and wish to climb into a dark hole somewhere. Her daughter is actually a sweet kid. It's her friend M and that whole family I have issues with. Letting them run around all hours of the night, partying, fdrinking, calling Mary a cracker and her having to come her 2am because they were calling her that and putting her down she came home bawling. Disgusts me. Like fuck people! Guess it don't much matter I am not in control of that situation anymore. Oh crap here I go wanting to cry again. I am so tired of that overwhelming feeling of crying. Just rushes over me and I cry so hard I dry heave. I try hard to keep it from Phil and the kids, it's stupid I do it at all. Fucking I am so fucking weak, I hate life!Anyhow Sarah says Christine told her she will talk to my brother about putting Miss Mary in the program Sarah is in so they can go together. I asked him already a month ago, Mary told Sarah he won't let her go. But sounds like Christine might change that. It is only 10 dollars a month, how much better a deal can ya get? We forgot about it today cause last week there was none. But next week we'll get back on track.Sarah's report card came home she gets letter grades this year. I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay her because I can't pay her the same as the other two because it's alot harder for her. I loved what he teacher had to say:"Sarah is a delight to have in class. She has a positive attitude and good work ethic. She is an especially good athlete and has wowed me several times with her abilities!" That was her class teacher, ah my little sportsgirl. I am so proud of her. She had alot more to say but that made me smile. Then remember how I said at the beginning of the year they called concerned about the affect her sister was having on her and that it was making things hard being called stupid by her all the time. Well since then things have obviously changed for the better. That same teacher had this to say: "Sarah's confidence has really improved since last year. She has a positive attitude to learning." Makes me doubt a little less of myself when I see how much better it's made Sarah. I just wish my brother understood where I am coming from on that front. DJ has actually been tutoring her in math and he is so patient and helpful. I just am so proud of him for being so patient and understanding with her. One day she even had a huge fit about homeowrk and said she wasn't doing it. She was just loosing it. Phil and I went out and DJ had a little talk with her and boom she did it. Is that a sweet big brother or what? They are not super close I am sure age has alot to do with it, but he has been really good for her. Makes me smile inside and out when I see the way he is with her.Oh I got one of the things from my wishlist for my bday the Michelle Wright CD Timeless, very good CD but alot of songs I wish would have been on there that aren't. I hope she makes another CD soon with mixes of her CD's. The Eurythmics CD omg it so rocks. It has so many of their good songs it rocks!We're still trying to figure out how to the IPOD Mini, we never got a manual with it. Frustrating. Even DJ can't figure it out:( Lately with Phil things have been so wierd. One day it feels like we are closer than we've ever been and then the next it's like all comes undone. We're so different. He has no interest in my interests and I have no interest in his interests. But when he is his gentle, loving guy my heart it just melts. Even physically we have nothing in common and we're rarely close. When he's home we spend most of our time apart. His comp isn't hooked up so he's not on that but when it was he was on it and talking was pointless he was too into looking at ebay and transformers. Alot of the time he is playing with his transformers or watching TV and doing something. I am on here or watching TV or resting. He loves that I am usually up now but now he is always in the room. I am usually down here alone. We don't snuggle at night when he's here. Well rarely. He is trying to be more attentive and karate is definetly giving him more focus his temper is dwindling. However when he does get tempermental I just wanna pull into a shell. I don't know how to stop it. Once he gets riled up it's real hard to calm him back down. Thankfully he rarely gets mad at the kids. That was stressful with him and Mary they were always and I mean ALWAYS at one another. She loved to get to him. Sadly I admit I didn't miss her when she left but lately I think about her alot. I wish it didn't hurt so much. Wish I could just pretend I never had another kid. I do not understand why God gave me kids. I don't feel like I am the parent I thought I would be. How come my brother lost his kid and he would have been such a great dad? How come he lost her and I didn't loose mine? They told me DJ was going to die but he didn't he's almost 15 yrs old now. He's such a good boy too. I adore my kids they are outspoken, they are smart and they have good hearts. DJ tries hard to keep his heart hidden but every once in awhile he lets it show. But I don't think DJ and Mary are as strong as they are because of me, they just are. I have tried harder with Sarah and I think it shows. At least people say it shows that I have. I just can't seem to stop babying her though.Oh man Fog is getting thicker, my tears are still flowing. Just a few more days till I see my psychiatrist, sad I am happy about that eh? Cause another thing I am having issues with is hearing people talk. I feel like it is like being stabbed a million times, it drives me around the bend. So when I get yacked at continually I get snappy and I am trying so hard not to, just so irritable, what the hell is wrong with me with that?Oh I was late getting my iron shot but I did get it and I decided why not might as well get the flu shot too. The iron shot hurt like a fricken bitch. It sent a shock right up my spine. I never said nothing to the dr took all I had not to pass out. Never felt like that before. They told me if I ever get a pain down the leg scream to stop. Nevr said nothing bout the spine so never said nothing. I have been feeling woozy since. Probably the flu shot. Made me sick last year too. I hate the stupid iron shots every two weeks and for what? My iron, ferritin and hemoglobin are all still low. I am supposed to get a tat of SIDS ribbon and dedication to Alden on my ankle but not allowed with all those low. I have decided I might go get it in the next few months anyway. Screw it I want it and I want it now! I am sure I might bleed a little more than I should but I won't die! Wouldn't be that lucky:)So what over 2 months now of me living on soup? I am so tired of living on soup. I mean I have ate some solid food but it's rare and I usually only eat a tad bit of it before becoming really ill and having to feed it to Phil. Primo soup is making alot of money off me lol. I basically always have a full cupboard of Primo grilled chicken with wild rice. I also have made my own. When it gets to the end I freshen it up and then when low again I make it into stew. Phil and I like it! God the soup I make tastes soooooooooooooo good. We've made ALOT of chicken lately. Although I do right now have some peppered steak out. I usually make baby potatoes or different types of Lipton Noodles and sauce with our meat. When I make potatoes I have to have gravy for sarah lol. Anyhow I am so happy we had our municipal election today we kept the same mayor in Victoria. He is a really good mayor so I figured he'd win again! Did ya hear Carol James is trying to put a halt on the MLA's pay raises? Way to go woman. Like it will change anything though like God. Why didn't she win the damn election? Phil insists it was fixed cause no way in hell would shithead have gotten back in unless it was. Oh can we say I hate the curse of my family's hips grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I went to put on my jeans and they fit everywhere but the fucking hips! I wanted to cry. Do you know how hard hips are to loose? I wanna wear my jeans, and I am living on soup. I am always up now what the hell gives? God I am even cleaning alot lately. Yeah me even with the pain and omg I can say everytime I do shit I cry just trying to stand up straight. I HATE the curse of pain, why do I have to have osteoarthrtis in my damn spine? WHY? Does anyone have any idea how much it kills? Oh and today my back was stinging so bad turns out I have a huge assed blister on it. How the hell do you get a blister on your back? IT HURTs, I did pop it and holy fluid batman. Stinging oh that doesn't even begin to describe it, but stinging less now, so hopefully that means it will get better now! Anyhow I have a poem I wrote I will put here now and a poem that made me cry and a poem of the masks I wear, which is totally me! Plus some more about my causes. *hugs all*THE VIOLATIONDedicated to the WomenWho have felt thepain of rapeHis kisses cold as ice, her body frozen.Tears that fill her eyes, begging to be set free.he holds her down, forcing himself into her.The pain unlike any that could ever be explained.The tears she wants to cry, but cannot.Her cries and pleading for him to stop, he ignores them.She spells out NO and he just plunges deeper within her.Her insides that burn as he rubs them, she dies inside.Her body goes limp and she is just a cavity for him to use.his body like a rock crashes down on her, she is barely able to breathe.her mind floods with the blackness of shock, she shuts down.No emotion can be felt. He leans deeper within her, she begs him to just let go,to free her; but he just picks up the pace.her heart feels like it will shut off.Finally he fills her with his darkness, andshe lies dead unable to breathe.Wishing she couldn't feel anything.Thankful for the darkness of the room,and the burning tears he cannot see.Sick and weak, she feels him naked next to her.She turns weakly away, wishing to be swallowed up.The pain she feels, the throbbing inside, wishing she couldn't feel.praying for the little girl to take it away.tonight the woman died again, a violation he caused her.A memory forever tatooed within her.By: Angela MacRae © CopyrightStop Canada's Senseless Baby Seal Hunt In just a few weeks, hundreds of thousands of baby harp seals will be slaughtered for their pelts out on the ice floes of Eastern Canada.Hunters armed with clubs and rifles will bludgeon to death these adorable, defenseless animals. At least 95% of the seals killed will be less than three months old!This is the largest deliberate slaughter of marine mammals in the world; and it's driven purely for commercial profit.Canada wants the media and public to believe that no one cares about the innocent blood spilled each year. http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/370512755?z00m=21818&z00m=21818http://babyseals.care2.com/i?p=465055580 (one click a day free helps save seals, it's so easy, please consider doing it)We are proud to offer our new SIDS Awareness Bracelets!it is our hope that when our own SIDS bracelets are worn, it will raise awareness in our fight against SIDS. The bracelet is white with the word SIDS in block letters.http://www.infantsurvival.org/awareness_bracelets.htmLeaving: Interviews With Women Who Have Left Abusive RelationshipsWhat do women who have left abuse have to say to women who are still in an abusive relationship? This is the research question that started this participatory action research project that uses feminist methodologies. The author, Angela MacRae, was enrolled in a welfare-to-work program to complete a work experience practicum as a researcher. The report presents Angela's experiences and thoughts and the results of nine in-depth interviews with women who have left abuse. Hundreds of copies have been ordered by Transition Houses and the booklet was also reprinted in Kinesis magazine.By Angela MacRae - June 1999 - 14 page bookletFull Reporthttp://www.vipirg.ca/assets/publications/research_reports/leaving.pdf SarahMy name is Sarah I am but three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid, I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my Mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long. When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my Mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight. Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream But its now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me. My causes by the way are: Heart and Stroke Foundation, Vancouver Children's hospital, Arthrtis,Diabetis Association, MADD, Street Youth, Domestic Violence,SIDS, AIDS Association, Literacy Association, Animal Protection, Disabilities, Mental IllnessWho am I? Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I am afraid to take off. But none of them are me. But don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I am secure, That all is sunny and unruffled with me, Within as well as without, That confidence is my name and coolness my game, And that I need no one, Don't believe me, Please! My surface may be smooth, But my surface is my mask, My vaying and ever concealing mask. Beneath lies no smugness, No complacence. Beneath dwells the real me, In confusion and fear, In loneliness. I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, Of what's crying within me. So, when I'm going through my routine, Please don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully, and try to hear what I'm not saying, And what I'd like to be able to say, What for survival I need to say, But what I can't say. Only you can call me into aliveness, Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, Each time you try to understand because you really care, My heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sympathy and sensitivity, And your power of understanding, You can breathe life into me, I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, How you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. My long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. I fight against the very thing I cry out for, But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, In this lies my hope. My only hope. Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, I am a hurting member of your family, I am the hurting person sitting beside you in this room, I am every person you meet on the street. Please don't believe my mask, Please come behind it to glimpse the real me. Please speak to me, share a little of yourself with me, At least recognize me. Please ... Because You Care. Author Unknown to me A couple of fun links:)http://www.myyearbook.com/ladyillusions/http://www.brunching.com/cgi/oralsexdonate.cgi?id=25864-1050029840 http://www.brunching.com/images/oralsexbutton.jpgOral Sex Donations AcceptedTee hee bad me, but hey I am a scorpio yo...

I Hate MLA's

Today in BC our MLA"s gave themselves the hugest raise ever. The premiere who is the biggest asshole ever will be getting over 60,000 more a year. Hello they took wages down, he cut welfare costs. He made it almost impossible for single mothers not to room up with people just to be able to live. I am even having problems now because they want me to go back to family maintence and ding me twice. I pay my brother and I get my money cut, how the fuck does that work? I may have to go back to court and vary Michael's order which will fuck him up because he gets taxes back now and soon as it's varied that will no longer happen. So Michael is super pissed and I tell ya I bawled. I tried so hard to keep things on a good note. All because certain people want as much money as possible. But whatever. Anyhow I think I agree with the people pissed about the MLA's getting pay hikes. Their families go through alot with them being MLA's well what about the teachers? What about our healthcare system. Soon we will be as bad as the USA for healthcare at the rate things are changing. My doctor is awesome so I keep her but it costs money to miss an appointment, to get any letter, to sign any forms, to call in a prescription among other things. Because they don't get enough from medical. This is bullshit!Another thing upsetting me is the OPEN DOOR finally got a place while their new place is built. I thought wow awesome because where else did they have to go. But no now the businesses around it are trying to get it shut down. One guy said why do we need to be around people who need meical, need money, need clothes or food? Why should we be subjected to these people. I hope they one day never go through being one of "THOSE PEOPLE" How fucking ignorant is it to say something so cold? STREETLINK is getting people going against them too, people are so damn cold. You don't have to be afraid, open your heart and try to see where these people are coming from. People don't end up on the streets out of nowhere they all have a story. How hard is it to try and care and understand how hard it must be to be intheir situation. Even drug addicts get that their addicts. It is so hard to stop even if you want to. I never did drugs but I have seen it. I also know when I drink I have issues not with drinking everyday but stopping when I have had enough. I know it would be real easy to drink daily I love the numb feeling. But I don't. But these people who have lost their families and life and home, it is hard to see what stopping would give them. Have a heart, one day it could be you or someone you love...One thing Phil says he loves about me is when I believe in something I don't back down. I get emotional and strongly vocal about it. He thins though I feel too much and that I don't need to get so upset about things. Maybe that is true but who will? Someone has to. I would love to work where I could help arrange help for people. When my friends mother almost died from an overdose I got alot of people together and we got her sent out to be with her mother. They think it was her voice that brought her out of it. When my brothers wife died and then daughter was sick and then died I had so many groups praying and helping out to send him things and helped send me out to help him. I wish I could do that all the time. I wish I could do it from home and get paid. God I could do that so easily and be so happy, but who would hire someone for a job like that? I liked one hjob I had I got to search people down who's family had died I found them all. I found a friends father and I tracked my son's dad down to Ottawa. I love doing things like that. It kills my back to sit or stand for long periods of time. I hate it. But a job like that I could do on my own hours and I need to make calls so I can move around. Makes me depressed that there is no real call for people like that. I've been thinking about doing a couple of courses at a time enrolling as a mature student doing criminology and psychology, First couple years in Psych though I will need a tutor. I had real issues with first year psych. I love it though God how I love it. When I am doing things like that my depression is so much less. I wish school wasn't a monetary issue:( I got my ipod mini today. DJ has it charging I don't know how to use it so he's gonna set it all up and teach me how to use it. I need some speakers for it though. Now I want the I-DOG real bad. If I ever get the nano I will give DJ this one. Now I also want the TIVO that finally came out here. OMG that poor family, a faMILY LOST THEIR MOVING VAN AND IT WAS FOUND BUT EVERYTHING WAS TAKEN BUT A BOX OF TOYS AND SOMETHING ELSE. A jogger who saw it on the news saw it. What is with people. Uhaul said they were not covered for theft. Ever so nice too they say MAYBE we will wave the 2500 dollar fee but not replace the stolen goods. God stuff like that upsets me so bad. Why do people do things like that?Oh we got a notice our Chrisco hampers come out on the 6th of dec so we will see how worth they were to pay a bit each month. We're not gonna do it again for next year. Oh I joined a couple sites, http://www.zorpia.com it's pretty cool as far as I can tell and http://www.tagworld.com I'm LadyIllusions there too You would not believe how many requests a day I get to accept people to my ringo. It's basically just a place where you can see friends pics and email http://www.ringo.comOh yeah remember how I said I didn't think I'd talk to Doug for awhile. Phil said Doug would apologize and I didn't agree but he did apologize, his reason for snapping was not one I think was ok or acceptable and I told him so. He apologized and I guess that's fine. I just see things differently now, a good friend of mine has had me thinking alot and the things she has said have alot of weight with me. I just wish things could be as easy as she points out. They sound easy but doing them is not....

Happy Birthday to me

Well last night Doug and I kinda got into it. We have never truly had a huge fight or anything, however we do have our tiffs. Last night was pretty bad. I don't know we will be talking again anytime again soon. He was supposed to coome over last night but I ended up making that not happen. On a happier note Phil took me out to dinner last night because he is working tonight. We went to Moxies and ran into Colin. We were supposed to go watch a movie but I just wasn't up to it. Phil tried to change my mind but I don't think I could have sat through a movie last night. He surprised me with a cellphone for my bday. I cannot even begin to say how happy I was to get that. I also have an ipod and leather jacket coming. He got them on ebay so were good prices. Not the jacket in my dream entry but my whole family has had leather jackets and I always wanted one so I am happy. God Phil can be so incredible sometimes. Today he got me a cake and we had subway for dinner. Well he had got subway Princess ate mine. I am choked about that. DJ bought me the CD Eurythmics Ultimate Collection CD and his card was so loving and sweet I cried. Mary called this morning but only to talk to Sarah and not me, so that made me cry. But whatever.So I guess my birthday didn't suck as much as I thought it would. WIsh Phil had, had the day off but that's life right? Been doing laundry and trying to get that done. Not sure how all the blankets got down there but at least they are all washed and clean now. I see we need to get more bath towels though. Not sure where they all disappeared but with everything clean there is just not as many as there should be. I was cleaning my room too. I still need to do the dresser, under the bed and wash the floor. I guess ya can say my energy is slowly finding it's way back. I guess that happens when your less stressed. DJ has such a bad habit of not being reachable that we decided he needs cell and his allowance is going towards it. Telus has a deal where we can use Phil's now older phone buy the setup for 65 dollars and then set it up online and get 75$ of airtime. How good a deal is that? Phil asked twice and the lady said alot of people question it because it is such a good deal. Half DJ's allowance will be going to his celltime every month. He's a little upset because he wanted a flip phone I told him to save up if he wants one. Be Happy to have a phone right?I have to say my friends are wonderful. Sherri called me, Doreen called me, Michael sang happy birthday to me until I had to talk to him about family maintence I don't even want to go there about what was said then:( Anyhow Vickie sent me a card by mail, Phoenix sent an email card as did my grandmother. I got so many online friends who sent messages, and ecards, truly if one of you is reading this it meant alot to me. I hate birthdays they always make me cry. I know I can't be the only one who gets so depressed about bdays.I was soooooooooooooo happy yesterday my counsellor called me and because it will take awhile for me to get into group she and my psychiatrist have agreed to see me until I can get in. Thank God because I need a review of my meds. My meds are making me feel ill now as is T1's for that matter. Ibuprofen doesn't kill my pain. Any suggestions?Is anyone else watching Martha Stewart Apprentice? I was so not into watching it but nothing else is on in that time slot. Funny enough it has captured my interest and I find myself interested in it now. I am in respect of team matchstick. My favorite one was when they did Tide to go Joe for Tide to go stick. Because of them I actually want to get a couple of those pens. One for me to keep with me and one for Phil for work ect. You have to love the economical price too. Hey to my candian friends do you all know about http://www.save.ca ? I love that site because they send you coupons and with my needing to save as much as possible I wish there were more sites like that.K this is html not sure if it will work on here but if it does cool:http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/count_hugs.cgi?hug=LadyIllusions" height="40" width="240" title="HUGS"> *HUGS* TOTAL!give'>http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/hugs.cgi?&HUGS=yes&hug=LadyIllusions">give LadyIllusions more *HUGS* Get'>http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/gethugs.cgi">Get hugs of your own As per usual I also have a couple sites you can check out that I joined/signed lately. ONE: The Campaign to Make Poverty History. Your voice DOES make a difference!lend your voice to help beat global AIDS and poverty. Sign the declaration now at ONE.org. ONE by ONE, we can make the difference.We are seeking 80,000 people who are willing to be part of an experiment to see if we can shift the world's perception of "good and evil" to a perception of love. It won't cost you any money and will take only seconds a day. We believe we are all one mind and that if enough people (critical mass) could shift their own personal perception--change their minds--about the existence of evil, then the whole planet could shift into a perception of love.We also believe that world peace begins with each individual achieving a state of peace within themselves. We can begin to do that for ourselves by becoming aware of the "negative" influences in our lives and choosing consciously to eliminate or shift those influences.What we propose is a two step process as follows:STEP 1: Whenever you perceive that a negative event is occurring, either by witnessing it in person or hearing about it in the media, say the words "ONLY LOVE PREVAILS." This phrase sends "positive" energy to the perceived negative event as you stand as an observer in non-judgment. It will also help shift the perception that for good to exist, evil must also exist (polarity theory). As your perception shifts, you will perceive less and less negativity. This process therefore acts as a barometer to measure your own sense of inner peace. The less negativity you perceive, the less you will find yourself needing to affirm "Only Love Prevails".STEP 2: Become aware that the news media has a profound impact on your perception. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from exposure to "negative" or fear-based stories in the media. This might mean that you filter your exposure to the news media and become very selective about what you do read or watch or listen to or it might mean giving up watching or listening to newscasts or reading newspapers altogether. Just bringing your awareness to the negativity that permeates the news media, however, will help shift your consciousness.We feel that if enough people (critical mass) stopped exposing themselves to the "negative energy" generated by the news media and repeated "ONLY LOVE PREVAILS" whenever exposed to a report of an incident that appeared to be negative that we could shift the consciousness of the planet to a perception that ONLY LOVE PREVAILS. This would be a giant step toward achieving a state of inner as well as outer peace.In order for us to know when we reach our goal of 80,000, we are keeping track of number of people who are participating as well as the demographics (how many in each country).If you would like to participate in this experiment, we would love to hear from you. Please fill out our online form at: http://www.onlyloveprevails.org. This experiment began in December 1997. As of November 2004 we have had over 21,000 people from 146 countries around the world officially participating with every state in the United States represented. We encourage you to join in this world changing experiment and to tell your friends. Together we will create a world of peace where... ONLY LOVE PREVAILS.With all the negativity around I think that is so great. I am curious what the results will show. Anyhow off for now....

Emotional Me

Well Phil and I had a fight today. I am a little overtired and cranky today so I probably am more hard to get along with today. I think it's the fact my birthday is inching it's way here.I kinda am upset because Mary was the one child who would happily say happy birthday to me, she may not have been nice the whole day but she has always remembered and always said happy birthday to me. Lately I am starting to miss her more than I did. I still have fights with Phil over her I guess in a way I blame him for her not being here. Realistically I know he's not but I guess he's an easy target. It's nice to have been able to talk to friends. I was sad to hear one of them died recently of diabetes. Why does death have to be so abundant? I hate hearing that word lately it sets me off hugely. He was my age too, things like that should not happen. So why does it?Princess has been bad she chewed Phil's bike seat and pedal. Yikes. It's not like we don't get her toys to chew on and we play with her alot. LOL when she knows she is in trouble with Phil she runs into her dog house. That cracked me up, cause otherwise she won't go into it. Silly dog.I am frustrated cause awhile ago Phil got me a digital camera and everytime I out new batteries in it keeps telling me the batteries are low. So I may have to take it back and see wtf is going on with it. It also shows some pics up as dark. I am so happy to have one I want it to work darn it.Oh Feel free to join my yahoo 360 page. Would be great to have you on my friends listhttp://360.yahoo.com/profile-9m_YOaA0baM_P7pVVe27Y_QSrgpu?inv=L28lqwtnKg--&r=Ya know talking to friends in Ontario I miss it more and more. I wish so darned much I could go back to ontario. Phil won't go and kids have all their family is here. I just miss it so much. Maybe if I went back to visit I would stop aching to go back there so badly. Cause sometimes it makes me cry. I think I just did't get to leave on terms I was ready for. BC is so nothing like Ontario. Have not heard anymore from DJ's uncle but I did give him his email addy my email addy and our address so maybe Bryan will contact DJ. I sure hope so. DJ really super bad wants to talk to him. Last I heard he was in Ottawa and it looks like his brother went to University there studying the same stuff Bryan studied. How do people think of teens being online with webcams? I have an issue with it. I just get scared bad things will happen or could happen. I don't know what is wrong with me I just want to cry today but am trying not to. Like my dad used to say what does crying accomplish? I just am being stupid crying! God I feel so alone right now. I am so weak ya know? I can't help but question what is the point of my exhistance?Ya know this link I am giving upsets me. One because it is in canada, I thought our country was better than this. Two these seals are babies and it's sport. How do these people live with themselves?Help protect baby seals from a cruel and senseless hunt subsidized by the Canadian government!When you click this link, sponsors make a donation to the help the International Fund for Animal Welfare buy air time for its public service announcements that will build public awareness of and opposition to the baby seal hunt. Forward this email to all of your friends to help support even more!Simply go to the site and click on the "Click to help" button. It takes one second. Remember, you're only allowed one donation per day, so tell everyone you know!Just click: http://babyseals.care2.com/i?p=465055580 Please care enough to help click just once a day this is so careless and cruel it just breaks my heartHaving been through domestic abuse I know all the help we can give this link is very important to me too:I just learned some really upsetting facts about violence against women, and I need your help: - In the US, a woman is raped every 6 minutes; a woman is battered every 15 seconds.- In North Africa, 6,000 women are genitally mutilated each day.- This year, more than 15,000 women will be sold into sexual slavery in China.- 200 women in Bangladesh will be horribly disfigured when their spurned husbands or suitors burn them with acid.- More than 7,000 women in India will be murdered by their families and in-laws in disputes over dowries.Here's what you can do:Visit this link: http://stopviolence.care2.com/i?p=522077044You will generate a donation to Amnesty International's End Violence Against Women program. Forward this email to all of your friends to help support even more! Simply go to the site and click on the "End Violence" button. It takes 5 seconds. However, you're only allowed one donation per day, so tell everyone you know! Thanks for your help! Ya know what I found funny that the news said the other day? Not so much that canadian troops were being deployed out but by what the news anchor said "The SO CALLED war on terrorism" Not sure you would hear that statement in the USA or elsewhere but the other night he said it exactly like that. I mean what does that say about canadians feelings on the war? Any thoughts?Anyhow I am off for now...

Sleepless at my Place

Well yep I have not slept. Back on the few days of no sleep. Pretty sad. I mean I do get tired, but I lay down and the racing thoughts are just too much. Ya know I would like to know how people get over betrayal. I mean the whole Deb thing with Phil happened this summer and it got stopped before it went further than maybe it could have gone. However the open lies has made me very mistrustful. Guys never seem to hold on to that mistrust. Some women are able to let go. So tell me what are their secrets to doing that? Cause I can't seem to let that go and I can't seem to believe anything now. I hate it and it eats me alive. All the reassurance in the world by him doesn't seem to change my doubts. Ya know I know this post is gonna be all over the place. But I also thought last night about what Christine said about how my Aunt Judy and cousin Tiffanie spend days and hours googling my name and hunt me down on the net. Like who the hell does that? Who has family so spiteful that they look for shit? Who fucking cares. Like God do we have such a piss poor life you have to try and destroy others? Almost makes it fun for me lol. I truly don't care what people think about me, I was not put on this earth to make anyone happy. Plus I never have made anyone happy why should that change now? Geepers. Just makes me shake my head. Gotta be proud of having a very disfunctional family. LOL even workers have said and written in remarks how I have one of the most disfunctional families they have ever come across. Gee don't have to tell me that. Dj is on his way home only to be going out again with his gf for awhile. Sarah is at a bday party. It's pretty nice out, so I have Princess outside for awhile. I sent my Aunt Karen a bday card it's her bday today. She is cool, a little different than the rest of my family. A scorpio too so there ya go. Scorpio's do rock right?Anyone else have a dog with a dog house they won't use? None of us can understand why the hell our mutt won't go into her house when it is raining or cold. Thankfully she is almost 100% trained, she whines to go outside now and paces. She never used to alert us. Now I just need to get the stuff Doug told me about to take the smell out of her one spot upstairs. He says it is really strong and no smell will be there for her to recognize again. Whew hoo. My hair is finally growing back to it's original thickness. I lost alot when I had all the surgeries. I mean ALOT! Plus it's not always falling out in handfuls anymore.I still humming and hawing about getting the flu shot. Year before last I did well with it but last year I got really super sick. I don't want to get like that again from another shot. I have roast cooking for dinner ahhhhhhhhh smells good. Making it with gravym mushrooms, baby potatoes, baby carrots and hoping to also make yorkshire pudding as well. We all love them alot. Can never have too many. Everyone loves my roast and I am pretty proud of that. I like it because it is made in the crock pot and it is so soft and tender it just falls apart. People liked my roast pan roast too but this is even a little more tender. Of course I use lots of Garlic. I have to be thankful I had a mother who made good good food. She was and is an awesome cook. She taught me to cook and I am thankful for that. Wish as kids we could recognize how lucky we are to have parents teach us things like cooking. I know so many people who couldn't or still cannot cook. It's sad. It's been nice talking to friends from the day we could have fun. Things have changed alot for some. Hmmmmm. Anyhow am watching Just for laughs. Ahhhhhh too funny, I love this comedy channel...I do again have a couple links to check out, would be great if ya did. Until laterz...Click on the link below and please enter your birthday for me. It will take less than 1 minute. I am creating a birthday list of all my friends and family. http://www.birthdayalarm.com/dob/295514a1933970b363 Many thanks Angela (LadyIllusions)This is a great idea! Go to http://endbreastcancer.com and click on the button that says, "Climb to End Breast Cancer." You'll be one of the first people participate in the largest virtual mountain climb in the world! With every click, (or "step") you generate a donation to eliminate the environmental causes of breast cancer--for free. Sponsors pay for your click and give the money to The Breast Cancer Fund's programs focusing on environmental links to breast cancer. It only takes a second! Click here: http://endbreastcancer.com I also like this site, may be interesting to some not so much to otherswww.waketodie.proboards45.comOh yeah I am excited to say I found DJ's Uncle Mark he is pretty happy. I am happy for DJ but we'll see how far it will take us to getting in contact with his dad. I really hope for DJ's sake that Mark will help him. He really wants to talk to his dad. So wish him luck...

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Closer

Well been a few days since I last blogged. I am cycling lately up for days asleep half a day ect. Been crying ALOT lately. I start talking and I burst into tears.I miss my daughter and my birthday is coming and I hate birthdays. Talk to Doug on email here and there but not much. However Phil last few days has been so attentive to me it's not even funny. It's how I wish he could always be. This is what I care about, not what he can or can't buy me. Which is good cause we are so in living on credit lately, even that we don't wanna do anymore cause it will just make things so much worse.I'm gonna go to a therapy group soon. Another part of my depression is dealing with loosing my neice and I can't talk to anyone about it because it's like I didn't know her so I have no right to feel pain. But I will never forget the day I saw her. It's painted in my memories and the flashbacks are huge lately. Also the fact just before my sister in law died I had asked what would happen if she died would my brother come home. I never thought or wanted it to happen I just so missed my brother and now my brother I think hates me so I just feel so dead inside. I don't blame him. I guess my daughter hates me too. DJ is really sweet he tries to make me feel better and I adore him for trying. I know though that I just fucked up real bad.I need a new start and lately Phil has made me feel like I can get that. The other night he so surprised me when he came to bed omg words can't describe. He also lately says all the time that he really does love me alot. I believe he does, I was just feeling so alone because unlike me he is more about giving things to show love than emotionally giving. Without emotions nothing else truly matters. So things are getting quieter and happier here and yet now my emotions are like a rush I can't seem to stop. What the hell is wrong with me? It's nice we keep busy. With everything we have Sarah busy in laying around all day is going out the door, which is a huge change for me. For a long time I just didn't do anything but lay around. I still have my days but more often now I am up and Phil and I go out more now. I wanna keep Sarah busy to keep her from getting into trouble. I am very proud of her. I really think she will go far in life. I can't wait this year she is finally gonna get tested. We've been waiting for years. All the extra time put into her though God she is doing so much better. Her teachers also were concerned about her sister being around her and asked about it the beginning of the year because they feel she was making Sarah doubt herself and giving her bad self esteem they have remarked how that's changed now and their happy to see the changes in her. I am too. We did try to talk to her sister about putting her down I mean all siblings do do that but it did so affect Sarah and now she is just improving by leaps and bounds.Apparently Hilary Duff is coming here in Jauary and Sarah's friends are going. Phil and I talked about it and we're discussing maybe doing that for Christmas. Tickets are actually not too badly priced. One of us would have to go though. Phil said he would go but i GUESS i COULD HANDLE IT. iF IT WOULD MAKE HER HAPPY RIGHT?I'm still living on damn chicken soup. I am so sick of fricken soup. but it's only thing makes me not want to be sick. Only good thing about it is helping my weight. Oh I been on classmates.com oh my god I found so many of my friends on there. I even found a friend of my brothers only he is on the missing list so I have it put to notify me if he comes back on and then I can let my brother know. DJ wrote his wishlist for Christmas it's actually not too bad. If he didn't write a list we wouldn't know what to get him, he wants alot but a little if that makes any sense. Oh check this out:This is a cool site I joined ya should check it out, you can get a free ipod among other things:)http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=24729383I got an email the other day I've seen it before always makes me cry. Do schools not do drunk driving contracts anymore? I think things like this would keep MADD having contracts like that in school still we had them.I WENT TO A PARTY, MUMI went to a party, And remembered what you said.You told me not to drink, Mom So I had a sprite instead.I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would,That I didn't drink and drive, Though some friends said I should.I made a healthy choice, And your advice to me was right,The party finally ended, And the kids drove out of sight.I got into my car, Sure to get home in one piece,I never knew what was coming, MomSomething I expected least. Now I'm lying on the pavement,And I hear the policeman say, The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,Mom, his voice seems far away. My own blood's all around me,I can hear the paramedic say, This girl is going to die.I'm sure the guy had no idea, While he was flying high,Because he chose to drink and drive, Now I would have to die.So why do people do it, Mom Knowing that it ruins lives?And now the pain is cutting me, Like a hundred stabbing knives.Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom Tell daddy to be brave,And when I go to heaven, Put "Mommy's Girl" on my grave.Someone should have taught him, That it's wrong to drink and drive.Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom 'm getting really scared.These are my final moments, And I'm so unprepared.I wish that you could hold me Mom, As I lie here and die.I wish that I could say, "I love you Mom!" So I love you and good-bye.I really hope no one I know ever experiences something like that. One last site I found recently also has my support and heart. I am going today to ask you to take one simple action to protect women from violence. Please, join me in signing the 700women.org petition.Every day 700 women are assaulted by their intimate partners--and four are murdered.In September, Congress will consider the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which is the most important legislation ever enacted to protect women from domestic violence and sexual assault.If it is not reauthorized, victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and the organizations that support them are at risk of losing aid and protection.Please, join me in supporting the reauthorization of VAWA. It's simple and important - and will only take you a minute. Click here: http://www.700women.org/So that's me, hope everyone else is doing well. God bless...Oh one last thing does anyone else have hotbar? I lost it with a program I got and been trying to reinstall it and all it keeps saying is finalizing install and screwing up my internet. WTF?

Winter Will Come...

Man it has been so cold out, my jacket I got last year just has not been keeping me warm. Tonight when DJ got home he said that the jacket he wants his friend told him was 30 dollars at Old Navy. I told him yeah right but we'll go look. Yeah hi it was 69.00 down from 90. Well his clothes are still paid for he gets a monthly allowance from his foster care so he got it. Phil needed one and they are water resistant so he got one too. Phil was gonna buy me something there but I said no way prices are just too much and he is living on credit lately. I did agree to look at Walmart and yeah I got a jacket there for a much better price. I also got a sweater because I have mostly t shirts right now and it's so cold I need warmer clothes. I also got some socks and thongs. Sarah got a little monkey. DJ bought his foster brother Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and his foster sister a monkey for her first bday from all of us. Sarah got a little stuffed monkey and yeah I got a stuffed german shepard. I am on this kick collecting german shepard stuff now. I already collect pushback buttons and pins. I collect skeltons and skull stuff and wizards, dragons, and angels. Yeah I like the mystical. I also collect cat ornaments. I also love windchimes. Anyhow looks like my birthday will probably suck, but I should be used to it. I hate birthdays as it is anyhow, so why should this year be any different?Phil did get me a leather jacket is just a plain casual one we got for less than 40 dollars. Not my dream jacket that I can't stop thinking about, but I should be happy. I have to say I should be a little more thankful for the things Phil has got me. I mean it is on credit and it's sweet. I just hate him putting himself into debt with credit and I told him that. It's just not worth it. A few more weeks before our hampers should come. That will help with food.Speaking of food, only person not having a hard time eating solids lately seems to be Phil. Although DJ's appetite seems to be picking up and I am glad to see that.Sarah has been eating soup for a few days now and I am still living on chicken soup for about almost 2 months now. I do eat solids here and there but always end up feeling super ill when I do. Only good thing about that is loosing the weight I had put on. Thank goodness I make awesome homemade healthy chicken soup and I been eating that. The rest of the time I been eating Primo's grilled chicken and wild rice soup. It's really good with a bunch of pepper. Thing I like about my homemade soup is I put alot of ginger and garlic in it along with 10 other types of spices lol that do help my stomach be at ease.Phil got a transformer today that canada post told him a few days ago was lost and they were taking off the trace. Idiots. I cannot believe they did that. Traces were on both ends and he was so choked he got it replaced. Now he's just going to sell the double. Still had canada post done their job properly, grrrrrrrrrr....My brother I guess is upset with me because I am being blamed for loosing the dog he had from Alden. I have cried so many times last few days and I cleaned my basement to nothing, even knowing I gave it to him. Why would I not give it to him? I remember asking if he put it at her grave as I thought that was why he wanted me to send it to him. I wish to God I could reproduce it, but I can't and I am just beyond words upset about it. I saw him yesterday when we went and dropped off Support for Mary who I also saw for about 1 min when I did drop it off. Glad I have the reciept for when I gave money, or apparently that would have been denied. Anyhow how come kids get out of school on rememberance day? We went to school that day, but perhaps that was because I was in a base school. Not sure if my sister and brother did they did most of their years in city schools. I never went to a city school till WJ Fricker grade 7.Who started Jr High in grade 6 and who started in grade 7? Who agrees kids should only start highschool in grade 10? Phil and I argue about that all the time. I did Junior high in gr 7 and * and high school in gr 9 to 12. I think that was perfect and it should be that way. He thinks it should be elementary from k-6 Jr high or no he refuses to acknowledge junior high it's middle school PERIOD something else we disagree about hugely anyhow he thinks that should be grade 7-9 and then high school 10-12. I try just to shut up now because when it comes up and I say anything we don't just disagree we fight real harsh. Even if I quickly relent and say FINE. So just curious how others view that.Phil actually didn't go in when they asked him to work on his day off. He always goes in now so was shocked. We went and watched SAW 2 my opinion it SUCKED. I guarantee you this is going to be just like the movies we in the 80's grew up with sequels up the ass. I actually called it from the beginning of the movie. Phil thinks I would be an awesome profiler as I seem to always profile people pretty quickly on the crime shows and movies I watch. Once in awhile I have to wait to see what they come up with, but for the most part I can tell you what is what and why. I also am good at diagnosing mental disorders before they tell you too. Now if I could get through first year psych I would seriously love to go into those careers but I failed that class bad only class I failed too. Way too much crap that I didn't care about as it had nothing to do with anything. I am interested in the real stuff. Kind of upsets me but guess that's me, meant to fail even that which I love.Anyhow not feeling too hot and back is hurting sitting here so long, so off for now. Laterz.....

Another Night Awake

My sleep patterns are so fucked up the last couple months. Days awake, day asleep to make up for those days of no sleep. I am going crazy I swear.Phil is gonna drown in debt if he keeps spending on his credit. But with certain people demanding more money out of us we are just having to live on credit to exist. Must be nice for them now they got more than they would have had any other way. Hope they are happy! We've taken advantage of some sales got some new shoes for DJ, Phil and I. Phil had to get a couple shirts that don't stay wet when he is working, they cost a bit but in this weather they will help him stay dry which will lessen his likelihood of getting sick. It is so damn cold I know it is gonna snow this year. I have to some way find a way to get a winter jacket and really not sure how I will do that. Right now we're getting nothing for DJ and he needs so much. Sarah we try to buy her some new clothes monthly as she is super fast growing again. Then Christmas is fricken coming. We're getting her a bike already picked it out. We were gonna get one for Mary too but not anymore. Let them get her one! We may not even be in town for Christmas and I am actually hoping for that. Anyhow we did get Sarah her skates for skating lessons with Michael's child support. He is suffering bad too as with the school strike he wasn't getting paid. We're changing to cable phone as it will end up being cheaper for us. Plus cable, net and phone will all be one bill. Sarah can call her relatives anytime she wants all the time and DJ can call his friend in calgary. Plus I talk to Michael and Sherri when I can. Michael and I for a couple of months now have talked alot. It's nice we are able to be good friends after all we've gone through. For my daughter to have lied about him hitting her and then admitting as much God I was so mad at her. This past summer though she spent most of the summer with him and all went really well. She only got mad and said she hated him when he grounded her. Gee big surprise. She's only happy when she gets her own way and is spoiled. I tried to give her that but one can't please 24/7 365 days a yr.Anyhow Sarah has her skates now and is happy. DJ is happy to have some good shoes. As am I as the ones I had for 3 years are finally worn down but I tried to wear them till they were worn down. I got a couple of fleece pullovers as well, as I have all t-shirts and no warm shirts.Plus now it seems I have psorisis on my arms and I prefer no one see them, so want to hide them. So I watch for sales and grab what I can when I can. But trying to keep Sarah and DJ in clothes and activities first!I'm happy to see DJ doing his homework cracking back down. He does have his moments but he's a teen and as time passes and he's adjusting to living here, so we're adjusting to life together again.Been awhile since I talked to Doug, I guess he's busy with his life and last I heard from him he was just really tired.I made more chicken soup today, none of us are feeling all that hot. DJ had first part of diabetis test gets blood one done in a couple more hours. I learned today that GBP means great britian pounds. I feel so stupid I tried something for the first time and go figure I ran across that. Fuckin sucks. Lesson learned but hard one :(Anyhow off for now.... Oh 1 more thing I have so fallen in love with these dogs now selling big time in pet stores their called Puggles. Look them up omg they will steal your heartFrom Blogthings***You Are Thai Food***Trendy yet complex.People seek you out - though they're not sure why.What Kind of Food Are You?http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindoffoodareyouquiz/

Dinner at the Keg

Well Phil took me out for our anniversary the other night to the Keg, never had any inkling that he was going to do anything. I could have cried. He also bought me a sweet card and beautiful roses and lilies with babies breathe. It was just such a surprise, wish I had known to be better dressed. I was wearing a tshirt that said naughty girls have more fun and my nipples were so hard cause I was cold. It was really cold there. Dinner was so awesome we had sirloin steak and alaskan king crab, of course I had escargot as well. OMG it was so good. I still can't believe he did that. The brat. He didn't know DJ would be home so we had to take Sarah and she decided to have a fit, but eventually she calmed back down, she had already had pizza so just had mushrooms and a huge ass Brownie thing which she barely ate. I found the jacket of my dreams online here:http://www.bikebandit.com/partsbandit/product~pf_id~351614 5~dept_id~1286816.asp I also put the pic and link on my new wishlist on HI-5 here:http://www.hi5.com/friend/wishlist/displayWishList.do?userid =833168if ya aren't a member ya can join me with this link:http://www.hi5.com/i?l=54YDCHW3I so love that jacket, but the likelihood of my getting it yeah right, but maybe if I save my pennies right?So I got all the basement cleaned up, I started the kitchen and Phil got onto the rest of it. I also started the livingroom but will get DJ to dust and vacuum. I was going to dust but have to go buy some pledge. I could have sworn I bought some recently. To get the basement done I had a hecka lotta laundry. I haven't done that much laundry since I washed all Christines and Roger's. I washed it and dried it and Phil has been putting it away. Nice to be getting everything done and organized. Still looking forward to getting away. It all set up for sure now though.Sarah came home with a letter that a bunch of kids have fifth disease. of course her best friends have it. I pray she doesn't get it but I don't know. Dj was exposed to it too and found out that had worse repercussions than we knew about but hopefully not as bad as we all know it can be. That's all I can say. We are setting up an appointment for him. He hasn't been eating anything lately and sleeping alot and sugar seems to help him feel better just normal he calls it. He's drinking alot of water and pop too. I am praying he doesn't show up to be diabetic. Maybe it's nothing but I am one who worries especially because my kids are at high risk for it, very high the doctors told me. Doctor told me I will get it for sure just the timing is all they don't know. Whatever, I been borderline for quite some time now, maybe I will never get it.All the cleaning I was up about 48hrs or more and all the cleaning and bending ect I can barely move. I slept from about 2am until 3pm. But been wide awake since. Back to getting laundry dried now it's all washed. Got lots of blankets now. Thank God cause I am cold alot at night. Trying to convince Phil to get a heated blanket, cause he gets really cold too. Doug has been still busy busy working. Keeps writing me short emails but says he's burnt out. I told him just to look after himself. Apparently DJ's comp is fried. Dad couldn't get it up at all. Warren is gonna take a look to be sure. Phil's is fixed I just have to install the protection on it and mine is running great and protected. I have parental control on it now too whew hoo. Anyhow that's it for now. Laterz....

Happy Halloween a Little Late

Well for halloween we had a busy day. We went and picked up Sarah for her reading help. Then we had some issues we . Things calmed back down and we picked up DJ from home and went to mom's to show her Sarah dressed up. Took her to the mall to do some trick or treating. Then Phil bought pizza our halloween tradition and hot wings. Then we got home and Sarah went trick or treating with her friends and family. Phil went and layed down because he doesn't have a comp and I was on mine. So DJ and I were down here, he was doing his homework and handing out candy. As I figured not much kids came by. Sarah came home early so DJ took her back out for an hour more. What a sweet older brother :) Oh yes I found something upsetting today which Phil and I had to discuss with DJ. As Phil warned me he is a teen and he may tell me alot but he definetly doesn't tell me everything. Twice in a week I've had something big to deal with him. But for the most part he's a good kid. He is also fine with the consequences of his actions. As is Sarah when she rarely misbehaves. Wish all 3 kids were that way. Only issue with Sarah and DJ is they are both lazy. However money seems to motivate. Isn't it funny what money will do? Someone does something to help but realizes hey we can get a hella lot more money let's get as much as we can from every facet. Nice eh? Teaches one that everyone is not always what you think they are and the best thing to do is always keep your guard up and trust no one, especially those you would think you should trust most!!!! Anywaysince then I have been doing laundry and cleaning up a storm. My legs feel like jello and my back hurts so bad no words can describe but I wanna get things done and everyone has been busy. So I am trying to get things caught up. Slow and steady wins the race right? I've talked to Doug, that boy is working working working. Busy as a bee. Can't even remember the last time I saw him and when we talk it's very short and to the point. I also been thinkin about some things and I had to discuss those things with DJ as well as they affect him, surprisingly he was willing to go with what I have been thinking so I am feeling a little more happy. Cause I just am feeling like I've been caged and now I feel like doors are opening so that's cool.It's so nice having DJ and Sarah and they get along so much better than what I was used to. Maybe it's cause they both keep busy and are involved with their own things so... Sarah is super busy with soccer, karate, skating lessons, girl club, violin, and I'm signing her up for a few other programs pretty much she has something everyday. I saw a real life scorpion today, after talkin to the guy I am seriously considering having one. DJ said he'd take care of it as I just wanna look at it not anything else lol. Phil is working tonight called in because of halloween, as he does every year. Hopin to go see a friend soon for a couple days. Will be nice to get away even for a couple days. Things are so busy now it takes alot to organize anything. Anyhow I am off got more to do, see ya....