Closer

Well been a few days since I last blogged. I am cycling lately up for days asleep half a day ect. Been crying ALOT lately. I start talking and I burst into tears.I miss my daughter and my birthday is coming and I hate birthdays. Talk to Doug on email here and there but not much. However Phil last few days has been so attentive to me it's not even funny. It's how I wish he could always be. This is what I care about, not what he can or can't buy me. Which is good cause we are so in living on credit lately, even that we don't wanna do anymore cause it will just make things so much worse.I'm gonna go to a therapy group soon. Another part of my depression is dealing with loosing my neice and I can't talk to anyone about it because it's like I didn't know her so I have no right to feel pain. But I will never forget the day I saw her. It's painted in my memories and the flashbacks are huge lately. Also the fact just before my sister in law died I had asked what would happen if she died would my brother come home. I never thought or wanted it to happen I just so missed my brother and now my brother I think hates me so I just feel so dead inside. I don't blame him. I guess my daughter hates me too. DJ is really sweet he tries to make me feel better and I adore him for trying. I know though that I just fucked up real bad.I need a new start and lately Phil has made me feel like I can get that. The other night he so surprised me when he came to bed omg words can't describe. He also lately says all the time that he really does love me alot. I believe he does, I was just feeling so alone because unlike me he is more about giving things to show love than emotionally giving. Without emotions nothing else truly matters. So things are getting quieter and happier here and yet now my emotions are like a rush I can't seem to stop. What the hell is wrong with me? It's nice we keep busy. With everything we have Sarah busy in laying around all day is going out the door, which is a huge change for me. For a long time I just didn't do anything but lay around. I still have my days but more often now I am up and Phil and I go out more now. I wanna keep Sarah busy to keep her from getting into trouble. I am very proud of her. I really think she will go far in life. I can't wait this year she is finally gonna get tested. We've been waiting for years. All the extra time put into her though God she is doing so much better. Her teachers also were concerned about her sister being around her and asked about it the beginning of the year because they feel she was making Sarah doubt herself and giving her bad self esteem they have remarked how that's changed now and their happy to see the changes in her. I am too. We did try to talk to her sister about putting her down I mean all siblings do do that but it did so affect Sarah and now she is just improving by leaps and bounds.Apparently Hilary Duff is coming here in Jauary and Sarah's friends are going. Phil and I talked about it and we're discussing maybe doing that for Christmas. Tickets are actually not too badly priced. One of us would have to go though. Phil said he would go but i GUESS i COULD HANDLE IT. iF IT WOULD MAKE HER HAPPY RIGHT?I'm still living on damn chicken soup. I am so sick of fricken soup. but it's only thing makes me not want to be sick. Only good thing about it is helping my weight. Oh I been on classmates.com oh my god I found so many of my friends on there. I even found a friend of my brothers only he is on the missing list so I have it put to notify me if he comes back on and then I can let my brother know. DJ wrote his wishlist for Christmas it's actually not too bad. If he didn't write a list we wouldn't know what to get him, he wants alot but a little if that makes any sense. Oh check this out:This is a cool site I joined ya should check it out, you can get a free ipod among other things:)http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=24729383I got an email the other day I've seen it before always makes me cry. Do schools not do drunk driving contracts anymore? I think things like this would keep MADD having contracts like that in school still we had them.I WENT TO A PARTY, MUMI went to a party, And remembered what you said.You told me not to drink, Mom So I had a sprite instead.I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would,That I didn't drink and drive, Though some friends said I should.I made a healthy choice, And your advice to me was right,The party finally ended, And the kids drove out of sight.I got into my car, Sure to get home in one piece,I never knew what was coming, MomSomething I expected least. Now I'm lying on the pavement,And I hear the policeman say, The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,Mom, his voice seems far away. My own blood's all around me,I can hear the paramedic say, This girl is going to die.I'm sure the guy had no idea, While he was flying high,Because he chose to drink and drive, Now I would have to die.So why do people do it, Mom Knowing that it ruins lives?And now the pain is cutting me, Like a hundred stabbing knives.Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom Tell daddy to be brave,And when I go to heaven, Put "Mommy's Girl" on my grave.Someone should have taught him, That it's wrong to drink and drive.Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom 'm getting really scared.These are my final moments, And I'm so unprepared.I wish that you could hold me Mom, As I lie here and die.I wish that I could say, "I love you Mom!" So I love you and good-bye.I really hope no one I know ever experiences something like that. One last site I found recently also has my support and heart. I am going today to ask you to take one simple action to protect women from violence. Please, join me in signing the 700women.org petition.Every day 700 women are assaulted by their intimate partners--and four are murdered.In September, Congress will consider the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which is the most important legislation ever enacted to protect women from domestic violence and sexual assault.If it is not reauthorized, victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and the organizations that support them are at risk of losing aid and protection.Please, join me in supporting the reauthorization of VAWA. It's simple and important - and will only take you a minute. Click here: http://www.700women.org/So that's me, hope everyone else is doing well. God bless...Oh one last thing does anyone else have hotbar? I lost it with a program I got and been trying to reinstall it and all it keeps saying is finalizing install and screwing up my internet. WTF?