A Mixed Up Potful Of Thoughts

So a beautiful little girl has been born to Colin and Nikki. Arianna. Congradulations of having a new neice goes out to Crystal, Desiree, Colleen, JC, Rick, Liz, and Phil. Congradulations on being a grandparent to Anne, John and Liz:) Enjoy this beautiful new little girl in your lives. Another surgery is upcoming for Phil's dad he will once again need the angels to surround him and prayers to surround him in white light on March 23rd. He is a good man and we want him to come through this well, he is a very strpongly loved man. I have a hard time being around babies, I get flashbacks to my neice. My brother lost her to SIDS and I never got to see her alive. I saw her for the first time in a casket and held her in my arms cold. It is something I have a hard time not flashing back to when I see tiny babies. It has gotten easier over time but still hard for me and I tend to avoid the scenerio if I can which I am sure others don't really understand. I also have a hard time seeing sick children at any age. Even on TV I will cry to almost puking kind of crying. My son was very ill as a baby. Doctors wouldn't listen to me until he almost died, at 3 weeks of age they finally kept him when he stop breathing in front of the doctor. They phoned that night and said he wouldn't make it through the night. I will never forget seeing him hooked up to tubes and tied down and them rushing him off to Children's Hospital. I was still a kid myself. I was a teen mother. I refused to go with him, I couldn't handle watching him die on me. He was in hospital over 2 months, spent his first mothers day and Easter in hospital. He is now a huge remarkably healthy young man. I hated his dad Bryan and his family they hung up on us when we asked for their medical family history. His mom did call to say asthma was in the family though. I couldn't believe they were so cold. I was not the easiest teen to have. I didn't drink or do drugs but I sure hung out with the guys who did. I was not a slut but people sure thought I was and was called as such :( Highschool does not hold alot of good memories for me. I wouldn't redo highschool for anything. My first suicide attempt was at 16. I overdosed on nytol sleeping pills. I wanted my mother to listen to me and she wouldn't, I told her I would kill myself she said go right ahead so that's what I did. It was not a pleasant experience. My dad ripped me apart. After that I went to live with my grandmother for a bit. But then my mom guilted me to go back home which is not what I wanted to do I hated it there. I was happy at that time though cause I had Kevin. The one and only guy I felt treated me so good. I really truly loved him. I was ripped apart when his dad sent him back to Newfoundland with his mother. We even tried to get pregnant so we wouldn't have to be seperated but it never worked. Bryan came along after that. Oddly enough my parents liked him. I had dumped him because he made moves I didn't want. But he swore he wouldn't do that again. I finally gave in and went out with him again. Not long after my whole life was changed because I got pregnant with my son. Bryan got to go on in his life he went to study in France for a year. Me my dad kicked me out onto the street. Funny how one night can change a persons whole life. Yeah that's right one night.... Anyways yeah I do have a huge hard time letting go of the past. My kids know that, my brother bugs me about that and Phil hates that. I can remember conversations from years ago word for word and what I wish I would have said or done. I can still cry about it, get angry about it, feel each and every emotion. Apparently it's normal for bipolar people to do this. I hate it. It would be great if I could forget everything like I do the huge traumas I have been able to black out. Cause I do have big missing chunks missing from my life and sometimes I despise that, but maybe knowing what I know it's better that way :) Oh I was told last night that Bryan was recently married and his parents Don and Mary recently sold their business and retired. Wow must be nice huh? I was telling my mom last night about this ring I remember Bryan having. It was a gold ring with I believe a blue stone his dad had given it to him because he thought he might like it. Wouldn't it be great if he finally met with DJ and passed it down to him? I have always made sure DJ knew Bryan was his dad. I never wanted my kids to think of anyone as their dad but their own dad. I just think it is wrong to do so. He looks just like his dad too, I have always told him that. I tell him people think he looks like me but if they saw him and Bryan they would see how remarkably he looks like his dad :) I was so choked Criminal Minds I watched on the weekend part one of Revelations and was supposed to be part 2 on tuesday and it didn't come back on till wednesday. OMG I was NOT HAPPY! I have to say that was the best Episode of CRIMINAL MINDS I have seen yet! Thanks so much for making it. OMG I was so shocked to realize what was going on at the end of part 1. You so have to check it out. I am so far very disappointed with Dr.Phil their 5 part series on MAN CAMP in the Dr.Phil House. 2 parts so far and all I have seen is more damage than good. Like seriously. I see divorce coming for 2 couples instead of help. Like OMG it is so bad. How is this helping cause I don't see it. I took my daughter years ago to Jenny Jones for Boot Camp, that was pretty much a joke. It really didn't do much. All it does is get them ratings. I mean they didn't go to bootcamp and if you want them to go to bootcamp you had to pay thousands to send them. Its pretty much come on the show tell your story make it look good and then leave and never hear back! Yeah thanks for the help-NOT! I won a makeover on a show here locally. I got to go to Aveda I believe it's called. They cut off all my hair and coloured it and did my makeup. That was kinda cool. I really need a full makeover though and don't really want to have my haircut all off :'( What I would really love is a mother daughter makeover, that would be such a great bonding experience :) I watched an Episode of Touched By An Angel that guest starred one of my favorite singers Wynonna Judd she sang a song on the show they called the 151st Psalm I want that song and I want it sung by her. That show had me crying all the way through it. Was so so so hard to watch! I also watched A Movie On IFC channel Called SOCIETY'S CHILD(2001) Starring Jessica Steen and Kyley Statham(Drama, 95 mins) About a Girl and her mother who get a close bond because the daughter has Rett Syndrome. Apparently only found in girls and not yet found to have a cure. I want to know more about this. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have something like Rett's. It was an eye opening movie A documentary done by MSNBC that is interesting called THE FACE IN THE MIRROR is very interesting as well. About a guy and his twin who were medically mistreated. There is also a book The True Story of John/Joan his brother ended up killing himself from depression overdosing on his antidepressants I believe in 2001. I discussed that with Phil one day. I find it somewhat interesting that antidepressants can kill a depressed person. I always read the sheets that come with the meds and I noticed that my one med actually says an overdose will cause one to go into acoma and can potential kill. Well what a thing to give someone who is suicidal. A sheet telling them if you want to die just swallow all these pills and you will probably succeed. How bout that? I have made the comment God doesn't want me and neither does satan. I have tried suicide so many times and it never has worked. God even taking 200 T1's and 50 gravol all that did was make me sick and I never went to hospital. Several times I have done shit like that. I have marks from cutting myself when younger. I have been pumped and stitched. I have had that stupid syrup of ipacac too much. I just seem to be like a timex I take a lickin and keep on tickin. Go fricken figure. Obviously something is meant for me to fulfill here. ALthough I can't see what that could possibly be Oh man last night I watched another documentary about tattoos Paul Booth rocks so much. It's no surprise he has a 2 year waiting list. He works in New York City too. There is a tat I would specifically love him to do but man like I would ever get that lucky to have him do a tat for me :"( Bruce Kaplan He's a pretty sexy Tattoo artist too huh? Yummy:) I have something to say about the stupid munchems commercials STOP THE STUPID COMMERCIALS I SEE EVERY SINGLE THING!!!!! Whole man am I the only person who thinks it is stupid? http://www.munchemsmagic.ca Oh I also say screw you to the degree little black dress approved commercials. I am tired of them putting down Secret. I use Secret Platinum lavendar splash and it is the only stuff I will use. It is even gynecologist tested from what I understand. I get no white marks either. I never felt dry in degree, sorry! When it comes to makeup, the only makeup I use is covergirl. They were the first ones to have lipstick that stuck for hours. I have been stuck to that lipstick since and I use only them for everything else. I am your true easy breezy beautiful coveer girl .I did a whole bunch of laundry and my brother was like so pro about it. Phil was too and then he got all on me for Sarah having too many clothes and he just went on and on I told him to shut up a few times. Then the next day he does it again. I tell him to shut up again. I later cry and think to myself what the hell was the point? Why do I bother, I should of just left it!Just me and Sarah again right now. I am so used to be alone now a days. Oh he lost his contract at work today, so he is not sure when or what his next one is. Oh and last night he got on my case because both his brothers have a kid and his sister has a kid and I don't love him enough to give him a kid. Uhm I had a partial hysterectomy. I have ovaries and I hear they are still viable but what the hell am I supposed to do. I told him fucking cut me open then and take them, go make babies with Ashley I don't care. I was fixed years before I met him. All my kids were high risk. He says I won't have his kid cause I am a bitch and don't love him. It rips me apart. How do I make a baby from thin air? He makes me feel incomplete as a woman. I should have never gotten fixed. I should have suffered with the endometriosis. He deserves to have his own child. But how do I do that? Man I am so tired right now and feeling so weak and my legs are still so sore and stiff. Knees down and feet are so stiff. like I stretch them and stretch out my toes and curl them and it still is so umfortable. I hate it!

Forgotten What Happiness Is

Before I begin I have to say Phil about freaks on me for every entry I put in here. He says my entries are warped and one sided. Well hmmm considering it is how I feel and think it should be one sided. I can't begin to think for others now very well can I? Pretty sure everyone writes from their point of view. I write from exactly how I see it and feel it and if he doesn't like it maybe he should rethink how he is with me. We talked the other night. I told him I do believe he knows love, oh he does. He loves his transformers. He commits each one to memory he never complains about their cost and upkeep. He dedicates time to them each and every day. They are in his heart, his mind his life. That is love. He truly loves his transformers more than I have seen him commit love to anyone or anything else. In fact yesterday he bought another transformer without a second thought. I even failed myself and bought him two tiny classics the other day. I know I know I swore I wouldn't. But it's the only time I see his eyes light up and he is so happy and there was only one of each of them. I should have stayed away from them. I was doing so good. I put them down 4 times before finally giving in. I had 3 but bought 2. He is really into collecting the classics. The movie comes out this summer man the colling is going to go crazy then. I got him the movie optimus for christmas. I think it says 6 things and I believe it is a classic but I am not quite sure.
I got a shirt that has grumpy bear on it says get off my cloud:) I love grumpy bear I want one but we can't seem to locate one in any of the stores, like do they have something against grumpy bear or what? I want to find the lamb friend too for my daughter cause I collect lambs for her, ya know for the name Mary had a little lamb. I got her one lamb that is a little girl dressed up as a lamb that sings the song. LOL it's kinda creepy:) It's not easy to find lambs they are easier to find around easter,m the rest of the year they kind of disappear. I wish I could find her a kitchen and bedroom set for her hopechest:(
Sarah collects soccer stuff she has some pretty rare soccer stuff, as if I see something different I buy it if I have it because soccer stuff tends to disappear quite quickly. DJ used to like Bob Marley stuff but not sure if he still does.
I collect pushback buttons and pins and have been collecting them since I was in grade 3 I have lots from all over canada, parts of the USA and England London. I wish I could get alot more. I mean it's cheap for people to gert them for me, most places have them free somewhere. Or a couple of bucks. I also collect victorian stuff, vampire stuff, skulls, I have one of each of the characters I like except I have a few left like grumpy bear, the grinch and a few others. I like to do felt posters. I love cameos but am more interested in the blkack and white ones which I am having a lot harder time finding I like the smaller ones. I really really really really want a black and white ring a small one and even on ebay have not found one:(I had earing but when Phil moved out he "lost" them I was so upset I am still hurt deeply over that those earing meant the world to me they were white gold black and white small cameo earing and he "lost" them :'( I never got over that and never will :'( still makes me cry. We waited so long for them to come in Man I miss those earings :'(
Friday I went out alone. Yep alone. Oh man I was so wet and soaked, I felt like the world was all closed in but I did it. I did it to go get DJ's special bday gift. I had to go pick it up from being done. I so hope he will love his gift. I miss him so much. I cannot stop thinking about DJ. It's hard to believe my baby will be 16 so soon. I wonder if his dad is realizing his son is 16 yrs old soon. Bryan really should reach out if not now at least in a few years when he reaches age. DJ needs to know his dad. He deserves that. DJ has not had the easiest of lives and I think about that all the time. Through so much he is a wonderful young man he really is. Gorgeous too :)
I am worried about one of my daughters she is dealing with some bullies at school. What is it with females and bullying in school now a days? I can't help but worry on a daily basis hoping each day everything will be ok. That today won't be a bad day that it won't get really out of control. It's just not right!
Yesterday Phil was going to go out but not know what time he was going to get home. He wouldn't take Sarah. I decided I would get up and we would all get up. Phil took us to Boston Pizza that just reopened from renovations. We were not impressed with service or anything else to say the least! Then we went to Tillicum mall and we got 10 for 10 dollars and 2 of the new collector containers. This year is cupcakes with birthstones in them. I have been collecting the containers from CLAIRES since 2000 and something the first one I collected was 90% angel and been collecting them ever since. Last year we got every single container but one. One lady gave me the teddy bear container and that has left me missing 1 container. That so chokes me. So I guess we will see if we can collect them all this year. They made it this year you have to buy 10 dollars in stuff or pay 6.99 a piece if you buy $10 in stuff they are .99cents. A new one comes out every month. My kids love CLAIRES so we do frequent that store ALOT!
Then Phil took us to Silvercity and we watched "The Messengers" AWESOME MOVIE, VERY WELL DONE 4 STARS, 3 THUMBS. I am very picky with movies I love this movie. I want to see the new movie Jim Carrey is coming out in "23" That looks really awesome. Phil told me I was wrong it wasn't him and doesn't look like him and still insist it doesn't but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA it is Jim Carrey! Looks like a really awesome movie:) I want to see "Ghost Rider" too it looks good. Of Course ZODIAC is coming out as well. I am a lover of Robert Downey JR whew hoo been waiting for this one. Not to mention I have watched so many things about the Zodiac Killer. I am fascinated by Murderers I like to know what makes them tick. I wanna know what it is that they think and why do they think it. I wonder more deeply though. I wonder about their families more about their mothers. I really truly believe the way a child relates to a parent has alot to do with how they relate to others when they grow up. Has media shown people how they always trample down the parents door of the villian. I mean always and not just a parent of someone who adopts or fosters they always have to track down the blood parents. Like somehow the blood is the key.
Being a parent who has struggled with parenting I wonder alot will that happen to me? Will I have to try and defend myself? Will I have to try and concieve of a reason why maybe something happened with one of mine? I often find myself feeling bad for the families of these villians but also find myself crying for the villians. I refuse to believe anyone is all bad. I just refuse to believe it. My dad knows that about me. He used to tell me that would get me in trouble one day. He told me not everyone is good and I can't save everyone. I refuse to believe that. There has to be a logical reason for everything, I truly believe that.
Just like with Phil there is a reason why he clings to this child like quality. The reason he plays with these"toys" is because he is stuck in a place he refuses to come out of but believes he is out of. I can't say what it is but trust me if you knew more about him, his life you would understand some of his child like behaviour. Like most men he won't look at things like many of us women do. That's all I have to say about that!
I heard from Doug the other night on MSN. I was SHOCKED! I told him I was shocked as I understood it things with him and Cindy were fantastic and as far as I was concerned he wanted nothing to do with me. So I had no intention on writing him or calling him. He said that would never be true. Cindy apparently is like many sag's she is onto the next new thing. Yes Doug and I are very much into astrology we are both scorpios. That is one of the reasons I much enjoy just talking to him for like ever because we talk about astrology, just talk and talk and talk about astrology. I mean we seem to have always been able to talk about anything and everything because we seem to agree about a variety of subjects. I have always found him so fascinating that I could never imagine any lady not being intrigued and lured in by him. I can understand why Penny is so relentless. He can't seem to shake her off at all! So I am not sure what is up with Doug, my msn is not working properly so after he went to forage for food I didn't talk to him again.
It's funny I went out yesterday only because I pretty much figured I was expected to say no again and I did at first. But when Sarah was refused. I decided to go. Phil said it was a pretty good day. No fighting felt pretty good. I told him I only went because he expected me not to. I also said had I seen DJ then it would have been a good day. Till then my days pretty much just run in together. Phil said I can't think like that. I have other people to think about. Maybe I do but that is how I feel most days. I went out. I did try to have a sort of happy aura but in my heart I wasn't happy. My heart has no light on. Someone is there but the lights are off:(
Pain is becoming too much for me. I have so much pain chronically now in my feet, my lower legs, my shoulders, my lower back and my hands and from inner elbow to inner wrist. I never know from one day to the next if I am going to be heaving. I some days am so starving which is rare and then go days can barely eat or drink. I am always wanting something for pain. Codiene 1's are my friend. Gravol now as well because T1's are now making me feel ill. I am way more tired than I ever used to be. Some days it takes all I have to get up. When I do go out I am so exhausted by the time I get home. Phil asked me if I didn't feel good being out all day I was like NO I am so tired. I mean it is nice to have the air on my face and be out with my kid be among people for a bit but I get so exhausted. He doesn't get it. My brother doesn't get it. The differenece my brother doesn't get on me. He actually only says things to me when I do something positive. It feels good. He applauds me just for getting up. I know it sounds stupid to some but actually makes me feel a little better and brighter. Phil rarely does that, he pushes me to do more, if you can do this do this and this and this. I understand he is frustrated he is doing alot. I do mean alot. I can only imagine that frustration.
What I wouldn't give to have a few days to surprise him and get a whole bunch done. I wish I could get a home maker. They don't give that to disability people anymore. They used to. I don't understand why it is gone now.
I am making cajun chicken, lipton butter and herbs and corn for dinner. Phil is apparently gone to work though till 12am. He said he wanted to stay overnight at the hospital and come home tomorrow but he is going to come here at midnight instead. But once again I am here alone. We're waiting on his brother and Nikki to have baby. She was due Feb 1st. But still no word as of yet. At the same time his dad is going to be having surgery at some point and he is going to need prayers. Things may not go as well for him. I believe he has angels around him though and God is holding his hand. He has come this far. I love his parents so much they are wonderful people :)
I don't know how the government works everywhere but I don't get why our BC government here in canada will force mothers to go after fathers for child support if they are on welfare. The only way not doing so is if they don't know who is the parent or if there is an issue of danger. You either go after them or don't get a cheque. Then you go to court you finally get a ruling are registered with family maintence the fathers are having wages garnished and taxes, so chances of not getting paid are pr4tty good. That's great. Well is it? The mother never really gets a dime because at least in BC the system takes that minatence off their cheque dollar for dollar. So the child is really no better off. Doesn't matter if your on disability either the rules still apply. On disability you are allowed to make a small amount of income but maintence is not part of that allowable income. Who thought this up? Who thought it would be great to have the mothers have the money for their kids taken away from them? Basically what it comes down to is dad is paying the government isn't it?
Another thing that upsets me is people labelling their children with things they don't have just so they can get moeny for their kids. One of my child has been found to have invisable disabilities and has to get alot of extra help in school. Her grandparents pay for help outside of school. Something she unlike alot of other kids is very lucky to be able to have. Apparently if you don't get a diagnoses from a doctor and queen alexndria hospital here where we are in BC canada under the umbrella of autistim or variation of that therof you pretty much cannot get funding. I find this really unfair. Me being Bipolar is also an invisable disablity, but has been proven very dibilitating to many people and their families among other mental disabilities.
My one child was hit by a car at school, but because my child has been in 2 other accidents we cannot prove that the injuries that my child suffers from now and continually suffers from are from this accident alone. We all know this accident is the cause. I have alot of anger concerning this accident. Nothing was dealt with properly and I hate seeing the pain even a couple years later it's ridiculous. It has only gotten worse and not better! We do have until age 19 to fight it and still might.
I forgot I also collect anything having to do with being a scorpio. I am a very proud scorpio baby, I think we are the sign to beat:) We so totally rock. If you read my blog enough you'll wonder how me and Phil get along as you'll know he is a VIRGO and those who unlike him believe like Doug and I in astrology Virgos and scorpios can CLASH! We seem to opose one another on everything. I like to spend, he only likes to easily spend on his toys. I am a die hard romantic, Phil thinks romance is for losers, I am so far from being a clean freak and Phil is a spotless cleanfreak IN EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE WAY-USE YOUR IMAGINATION, I think sex should be long and thoughtout and wild and sex to him is clinical and an act to create children, I think you should have notyhing to hide with anyone, he thinks everything is secret and should be kept secret, I believe in astrology, he says it's bullshit, I believe in psychics and I believe I just know things and see things he says all of that is bullshit, I am unsure of aliens he believes they exist, go figure, He thinks he should always look fuckable to the opposite sex at any age, on any day, I think the right words will get you where you want to go. There is alot more but for now I am done. I gotta check dinner.
Laterz....

Secrets & Confusion

What is it with people and secrets? Like sharing your life is a huge no no? I grew up with a mother who did things that always left her telling us don't tell dad this and don't tell dad that. She still at times does that. We also heard don't tell this and don't tell that because it could affect your dad's job. I hated it and I swore I would never have my kids grow up that way. Something I hate very much is lies and secrets! I guess that is why I have admitted things I have done even when I knew it could end everything I had. However Phil is another one who thinks things should be kept to yourself and be kept secret. We fight about it alot!!! He gets really angry about my writing my blogs, he thinks I should keep it to myself. Suffer alone and not tell a soul what I am going through. What I hate more than that is when he denies things he says and does. One thing to deny it to others but to look me in the face and deny it it kills me and makes me wish I could just die!!!! It hurts so deeply. I just don't care anymore. Lately I don't even get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I have been so depressed I sleep, barely eat, take meds to end pain and I do feeel pain all over. I called the dr to get in today and try to get admitted to hospital. They fuckin cancelled my appointment. I think that is such a big joke. I told them how serious it is for me to get admitted to hospital. My normal meds are not working at all. I cry everyday for hours. Waking up is a disappointment to me. Phil gets here and just gets pissed with me for not having done anything for yet another day, which just adds to my already depressed feelings. I think aboiut DJ everyday and I cry about him. I miss him so much and feel like a part of me dies without him everyday. His bday is coming a big 16yrs old. I hope he loves the gift I have gotten him. I just can't stop thinking about DJ he is always on my mind and I love him so much. My baby boy is growing up so fast. The good thing is I seem to be losing weight as I barely want to eat. I am eating a tiny bit but I don't want to eat. I drink a very little bit as well. Roger and Phil spend most of the time with Sarah, they have been wonderful with her. I guess that is another part of my feeling down I really don't feel needed or wanted. I mean kids don't seem to want or need me anymore. They are all looked after and Phil seems to always be gone and with others now and complains if and when I ask him anything, so I hate asking anything of him. Doug is now with Cindy. No one really needs me in life anymore, so if I were gone who would miss me? NO ONE! I am proud of how wonderful everyone is doing and it makes it alot easier for me to fade out when I see that I am not really needed anymore. I feel like all I do really is piss people off and get in their way! Even when Phil is here now he is not with me, he is on comp and watching TV downstairsd or in the transformer room. I don't do or watch anything he likes. I am just a thron in his side. He likes being out away from here, so... I do have another appointment with my docotor I guess I have to wait for that one. I just wish todays would have not got cancelled. I can't remember feeling this bad in a very long time...

It's All On Me...

Well first off I want to add to my last post that when Phil took Sarah's stuff that one night he had given her a half hour chance to draw. She didn't like her half hour chance. She was so angry she swore at Phil and then at me because I let Phil make the choice if she could draw or not. Regardless of those 2 facts I still didn't see any reason to discourage her from drawing or reading as we usually allow her to watch TV on weekends until she goes to sleep so why were his panties in a twist? However he thinks others will agree with him after reading these facts. Only bedtime we are usually strict with is school nights. Moving along, apparently saying anything that is not positive about Phil gets people worked up. Apparently the only person who can be stupid, a bitch, a hoare, unpure, evil, selfish ect is me. Because Phil is pure perfection. Everyone would know that because they are here to see it all the time-YEAH RIGHT! *tears* So I should just suck it up and pretend everything is always perfect. Sensor my words. You know I have not limited bad words for just Phil. I say them about myself and other people as well. But apparently I am a big bitch and if Phil was smart he would leave me. I am sure Ashley would love that! Ya know it's funny he says his family wouldn't care if he was dead. Yet his family is the first to stand up for him. They love him dearly. I only wish I had a family like that :'( Ya know it's like some people see me on the edge of a cliff and they are trying to push me over. Sometimes they come really close to doing it too. Today I was alone all afternoon and I cried for 2 hours. Now my eyes are all sore and red :'( I do see my doctor soon and I am going to ask her about an in hospital evaluation. Has anyone done their valentine shopping yet? I have I love what I got Phil I hope he likes it too:) Valentines Day is my favorite holiday :) Oh and it's not a transformer. I made a vow not to buy any transformers this year. The year has just begus and I want to buy them. I don't go to the isle that sells them. I think JC caught me though. I have become a lover of transformers as well. I can't believe it's happened but it has. Although Phil and I love them for different reasons. I am ashamed of the fact I can actually name a ton of them. Not as good at it as Phil but I shouldn't know any at all! Sarah tried out for the interprovincial summer soccer team. If she gets on the team the cost is $750 and I was told soccer was a cheap sport, pffffttttt seems like there is always a need for money. This money pays for everything but the food when they travel. Apparently 2 coachespulled her aside at the try outs today and told her she has a really good chance at making it to the team. Soccer really her forte. Parents and other people who see her are always commenting how good she is. I am very proud of her :) Anyhow I'm off not feel very welll.....

Panic Button

So yesterday I went all by myself. That was really hard. I was in walmart and all of a sudden the isle got smaller, noise got louder and my head began to spin. I felt so stupid all I could do was stand still and hold my head trying hard not to cry. I don't generally go anywhere alone anymore, and that is exactly why. While I was there Phil called asking where I was I told him and he said he would meet me. He calls me almost predictably by clockwork. Right before he gets off work he phones to see where I am and invites himself to where I am. Like he has to check up on me and know where I am at all times. So he met me at mayfair mall and what do you know he's there with Ashley. They just happened to run into one another. I responded by saying"so I see" he said I love you and I said " I have to go look around later..." He says I am way too insecure. But when I met him he lied about sleeping with Michelle, and then he lied to me about this lady Deb. Meanwhile I told him my sins against everyones advice knowing he could leave I told him. *tears* I just don't know how to feel right now. I just feel so dead inside. 2 nights ago we got into a fight I can't remember about what but he thinks I should say I love you if he demands me to say it. If I am pissed I am not going to say it. He got right on top of me and yelled at me in the face calling me a manipulative, ungrateful bitch. Last night Sarah wanted to stay up and draw and to read a book. I saw no harm in it but Phil was here so I told him he could make that choice. He chose no and neither of us understood why. He said because it's bedtime. I think if she wants to read don't discourage that :'( He was so mad he took her lights, her tv and something else, but eventually gave it all back but that's because we were both bitches. He just chewed me out and told me how bad a parent I am that I let get away with too much. It goes on and on and on. I tried to fight back but he started to yell at me that I was a baby, I think called me a baby like 10 times and a bitch a few times.All over my agreeing with my6 daughter about reading her book.I don't know it was 10:30pm maybe he had a point. He gave me shit for crying too told me to stop with the fake tears :'( Hey if any of you out there would like to buy me a webcam, a voice recorder, and videa recorder I can post it on here and then you can tell me what you here and see. See if I am just being overemotional :( Not to mention I would be more greatful than words can say. Not to mention maybe if he saw the way he acts or hears the way he acts he might stop.I can wish right? My baby boy's bday is coming up, a very special bday, he will be 16yrs old. No baby anymore, he is almost a man now:) No day goes by that I don't think about DJ. He truly was a miracle child. I was young, almost lost him a few times before birth and then he was breech and at months he almost died of whooping cough. I believe he is detined for great things. He is very intelligent. I am proud of him.I got his present today, some people were trying to discourage me from getting his present I pretty much told them to shove it. Well it's 12am and once again Phil is not here. No one is here. Phil is apparently out with Ron but I can't stop thinkig that could be a cover story. I hate that I don't trust him like I should. I hate it so much, it hurts so badly. Lately it feels like I am standing still in time and everyone else is moving in time rapidly all around me, it's a horrid sensation and when I go out it's much stronger. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and hold my head still just to try and shut out the noise and stop everything from moving so fast around me. I noticed the other day even my smallest jeans are getting too big. Apparently I am loosing weight again. Probably cause once again I barely been eating and when I eat bad food I dump which I was told goes away after a year or two. Yeah hello? Not I, I have to watch my intake. I also have to still struggle with leaving food on my plate I always take too much and then I get full. I want to eat more but I can't. I was raised with a mother who never gave us any real seconds of the good meals we loved and so yeah I hoard food. I still get worried I won't get anymore, so I pack it onto my plate. Those kinds of habits stick with a person :( Many of you know I have taken a huge interest in crime, I have watched quite a few movies and documentaries. I have to say they intrigue me ya know? Jeffrey Dahmer he did some bad things but I think inside he did have a heart. He seemed real close to his dad. I liked that he was willing to talk and he wanted to try to help to bring understanding. However he really didn't understand it himself. I think it is so very very sad the way that man died. I realize he did some horrific crimes but I don't believe he deserved to die the way he did. Just breaks my heart :( John Wayne Gacy now he was a character and I have a truly hard time believing his wife did not know what was going on. Come on now the smell of rotting bodies decomposing under your house, you can't believe that was something else, no way. I believe he probably killed alot more boys than the police ever found and that is sad. I find it humourous that Gacy seemed fine with taking the blame until it came time for the chair suddenly he was the wrong man. Alrighty there John sit back this will only hurt for a second. He did allow them to take his brain for testing after death, apparently they found no abnormalities. My belief is maybe you can find them while they are still alive and well. My view of the death penalty is it's wrong. Who are we to choose who lives and who dies. Who died and made you God. Now look at cases where DNA has turned someone free and had that not come out, what you would ok with putting innocence to death?Send them to supermax life without parole but abolish the death sentence it's not right!!! Ted Bundy to me his story is one of sadness. He was highly intelligent. He was educated and dressed well. I mean this guys life could have taken him really far. But instead he chose to kill women or as he called them "entities". My heart just sat in a lump watching documentaries and movies about him. How could someone with so much potential throw it all away? Apparently it just wasn't enough. Do you know he helped assist the police in finding Gary Ridgeway or Better known as "The Green River Killer". They went to him figuring same type crimes he might be able to get into his head. I think Ted really got off on that. It was giving him a power, even if from behind bars. It did work though. But he came awefully close to screwing with the one officers head. I have to say Ted deserves a medal for his master skills of manipulation. Gary Ridgeway. when I watched some of the more indepth documentaries I was kind of pissed that they didn't get to him sooner. They had talked to him he was in the files it just wasn't followed up on it was put back into the file. He is definetly not a criminal I feel any sympathy for. I refuse to believe there are just some people bad to the core. I am sure he has a heart it's just really deep in there. I found it odd when he said he put the women in clusters to make it easier for the police. He thought he was helping the police getting these women off the streets. Killing them was not the answer. I don't buy that reasoning for a moment. With everything I have watched with him I have only seen him cry for a moment and that was when one of the dead womens mothers or grandmothers stood up and said I forgive you you can't hold me anymore. I smiled when she said that, how strong she was. He needed to hear that more! BTK yeah buddy he really had some issues going on. Control issues. It showed up in his place of work. Showed up in his neighbourhood. Like in the hell did he think he was. He goes into murderer retirement and some guy writes a book about BTK and he goes into a child like fit. OMG someone else is taking my crown. So he comes back out of retirement and announces it making sure we all know he's back and ain't nobody going to steal his thunder. Yeah well buddy you should have stayed quiet , but hey thanks for not staying quiet cause now youre ass is BUSTED!!! Moving right along, how many of you ut there know who Traci Lords is? When I was with my daughters father Michael we watched ALOT of adult movies but 2 were my absolute favorites and I had copies but someone stole them. One was Curse of the Catwoman not sure the names for that one. My absolute Favorite Was Hidden Obbsessions starring Traci Lords. I have searched all over the net and in the movies stores. All I was able to find out is that apparently some of her movies were made with her being under age she used fake ID and they were all destroyed. She sure didn't look under age in this movie. I really would love to see it again :( Would love to have my Eddie Murphy Raw and Delerious as well I am so choked those were stolen they can make me laugh when I am feeling my very worst!They do say laughter is the best medicine. Oh the name os DJ's dad that we are looking for is Bryan Larence Miller. I believe his bday is july 28/1972. Born in Ontario. Used to be a camp counsellor every summer. Went to Schollard Hall to grade 12 and then went to France for gr 13 and then went to The Western University of Ontario. I believe in Schollard he played football. He loved sports. His Parents I believe are Mary and Donald and they owned the McDonalds in North Bay Ontario. I know he has a older brother Kevin , a younger brother named Mark, and I think a sister named Andrea? DJ deserves to talk to his dad and family. He has questions he wants answered and in a couple weeks he is 16. So any info would be great. tenderone at shaw dot ca Ok anyways I am exhausted, so bye for now....

All Of A Sudden

Phil is always telling me I am NOT psychic, he doesn't believe I ever have been or ever will be. Despite having friends backing up visions I have had. Things I have been able to call bang on before they happen, when they happen I knew them. 3 friends I called being pregnant before they were. My grandfather I called dying of lung cancer a few years before he did. I've even called the right gender of babies to be entering the world, although that is more Sarah's fortee she does much better with that she has only been wrong once. I just seem to see things and know things. I have a very strong sixth sense. However since being on seroquel it's messed up with my ability to see clearly like I could before. I hate it. I do believe here in victoria BC there is alot of psychic vampires I used to get drained alot. Doug had to teach me how to protect myself, as did this other guy Mike. Doug also taught me how to astral travel now that is the shit :) Anyhow I got this overwhelming sense to cry just before 6am today. Like someone I care about is either going to do something that breaks my heart, or someone is going to get hurt or die or already has. I am actually shaking and my eyes are just welled up. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I am actually shaking. I wish the vision of what or who would come to me. I miss seeing things at least then I could be more clear. Stupid fricken meds Anyway if I say anything to Phil he'll just tell me I am being stupid and yell at me :'( I think I figured out part of my depression issue right now. I think I need a change of pace. I feel stagnated here. I mean I don't feel like I have anything to get up to or look forward to in a day. oooohhhhh another day of gloominess and being yelled at oh happy day.I have no will to do anything in this place. I need a smaller place, a brighter place. This winter has sucked milkthistle lol. I can't remember the last REAL vacation I took. I think if I won a trip to whereever I wanted to go or won some money I would love to go visit Phoenix in New York. How fun would that be? She is always a gas, love her to death :) Today is my best friend Sherri Huberdeau's Bday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRI!!!!! She is now 34. She always bugs me that I am older than her because I turn a yr older than her in nov and then we're the age when she gets older in january. The little shit.Ya know I have been wondering lately if maybe my exhaustion is more than just bipolar but Chronic Fatigue syndrome. You know growing up I was really tired all the time too. I don't know how many times I was tested for mono among other things trying to find a reason why I was so tired and dragging ass all the time. It's an achy, just weak shaky tired feeling. Like getting up to go to the bathroom sometimes is a huge ordeal. I do have good days, weeks and sometimes months. I do get manic episodes where I can't sleep which seems to be lately. I am tired but sleep very little. IN last week have only sleept a couple hours on and off lately. I know my iron is probably at ground zero I never kept up with the shots. I just got too tired of going every damn two weeks and Phil would tell me how stupid I was for having to go so often to the doctor so I just stopped going to the doctor. I wish I could just get the shots at home. Don't bother writing me and telling me about the pills and liquid my body rejected them they didn't absorb either thus why I had to get shots and even then my iron was not to where it should have been, but was higher than nothing so it was something. I hope Phil is in a better mood today when I see him. Yesterday he was super angry. Yell yell yell. Just layed into me within 5 mins of coming here and continued to do so for about an hour. Then on and off for the next few hours. I hate when he asks me a question that only has one answer, or asks me a question that I don't want to answer because it makes me sound like garbage. *tears* He thinks so little of me, and he thinks so little of his looks and tries to convince me that his appearance is not good. Just rips me up inside so much. Everything lately is negative negative negative. I asked him if when he talks to Ashley, Rebecca and Tiffany if he yells about his looks to them or is negative with them like he is with me. Those are 3 "friends" he has been talking to alot lately, and he went to have coffee with Ashley apparently from what he says on the weekend. Anyway I am gonna go for now...

Internal Confusion

First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose. Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell? Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot. Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work. Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather. Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know? Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousAlways dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines

I MIss Feeling Alive

So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.
I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.
I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.
I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!

Pre New Year Thoughts

Well today is the 30th my deadline for meeting DJ's demands. I have not responded or spoke to him since such demands were made except to give him his christmas gift. So I do wonder what will be the next step :'( Christmas pretty much sucked for me. Nothing really spectacular for me. We had the big christmas dinner with Phil's family on Christmas eve at his sisters. I do have to say God did bless Phil's family with yet another miracle, just before Christmas the cancer clinic phoned to say his dad came back clear for any sign of cancer. So yes once again miracles have proven to become reality. Especially for Phil's family. As for Phil and I we are having a hard time getting along. More on my part. I just get so frustrated with him and I hate him not listening to me and not respecting me when I ask him not to yell at me or touch me when I don't want to be touched. I hate when I people especially men force themselves on you, it feels dirty and wrong and unclean. It makes you want to do everything you can to make them not want to be near you you know? For Christmas he gave me 3 vamp like posters a medium robosapien I have not got to use yet cause he has no batteries :( He called me down to walmart last night to buy me a new coat cause mine could wrap around me twice it was toooooooo big for me. But When he paid for it he went into a huge ordeal about cost and the whole world heard it and I probably went white. I wanted to cry. I hate when he humiliates me like that. If it is such a huge ordeal I don't want it. I didn't need it THAT bad. I mean we are in BC after all. Then it was a yelling at me thing all the way to the bus stop. I watched a show WHAT WOULD YOU DO? well they should do another instance of someone in a security jacket harrassing their girlfriend or boyfriend because I can tell you from personal experience NO ONE WILL HELP YOU, or even question what is going on. I think they automatically assume your in the wrong. Nothing you say or do will get you help. Even 5 EMPLOYEES in WALMART saw and watched as I pleaded to be left alone to NOT BE TOUCHED to GO HOME did nothing. No they WATCHED and did NOTHING! This makes me question how many other people experience and have experienced outright abuse because of any uniform they may be wearing. It really is an interesting show the WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I think everyone should watch it and more should be done. So Saddam Hussien is dead huh? I was surprised it seemed to come so quickly. His trial made me laugh. I have to admit he has a very big sense of humour. Or should I say had. On MSNBC I watched a bio on him. There is alot to understand about the man. He wasn't all bad. Mislead I think, did bad things but not all bad. Inside he was human! I've been talking to Doug, I take that back we've been TRYING to talk. Our talks are more like ....leave your message at the tone...hey at this rate we're never gonna cross paths...beep. Or...hey finally caught ya...yeah but on the run...what's up...oh work work work and more work...yeah and you....oh this and that the same old same old....think we'll ever catch up....I don't know your schedule is worse than mine...true that... But we do get to talk a little bit and it's nice when we do it's nice to connect. His mom is always sweet when I talk to her too. Mary and Sarah have been LOUD here together, reminds me why Mary is with her dad at times. But is nice at other times. Mary has been cleaning and has had fun with friends, has done my hair and makeup. Teen girls are blast to have for shopping and dressing up with. Specially when they like being girls :( My Sarah is more into being a boy but with Mary here she has had her dressed up real nice it's been nice:) Unfortunetly for family pics Sarah won the war and had a hat and tshirt on. I wasn't gonna fight she was being herself. My family however won't be too keen on the pics :( Hey if everyone would check out my brother's Blog it would be great and pass it on to others I would love ya for it http://usanatraveler.wordpress.com also please tell him his sister Angela sent ya there. That would be the best gift for me. Anytime ya visit tell him I kept sending ya there :P Phil's family has another blessing coming to their family this year. A little precious girl. Phils brother Colin one of the twins is having a baby with Nikki they are due I believe Feb 1 2007. I personally think it will be Jan 29th maybe I just feel january when I am around her. She'll also loose her weight right away. She is such a beautiful pregnant lady :) Colin is such a proud daddy to be. For Christmas I got them engraved sterling silver matching keychains that say Mommy and Daddy. I was most proud of that gift :) Oh my family loves holidays to let it be known who is the black sheep and who is not. I miss the days when my grandma didn't have dementia and my grandma m was alive. Nothing is the same anymore, I don't think they would have ever been the way other members are in our family. But it has been made known for sure that yes I am still very well known as the black unwanted sheep, and firmly stand there in place as I always have! I have roast cooking tonight I am making it with peas, corn, mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding, and gravy. I did make a second turkey on christmas day which I wasn't going to do but did. I just couldn't have christmas without turkey. Then I got uh a little sloshed at Phil's sisters on boxing day. OMG I love rum and coke and I had just had so much fighting the drinks were so nice. I don't drink often but when I can and when I have the opportunity and it's safe for me to do so I love to just fade into the rum and coke :) I sent Phil to get me VEX one night and he accidently got me HYDRA vodka water lime flavour. OMFG it tastes so good. It's almost like the MEXIKITA WHICH I LOVE!!! I wish they hadn't taken it away I drank it as my only drink when it was here. Oh man the teen girl is home from her friends the noise comes back, and she is gone again off to her friends again, but for how long dun dun dund da..... My upstairs computer got a virus I have been alerted by one person about this url http://forum.shopbdazzled.com/members.php?msn=advice_angel@hotmail.com this is not from meplease do not open it. That computer is no longer attached to the internet and is in the process of being cleaned all other computers have been tested and are okay. I honestly think people who hack people need a fricken life honestly! Anyhow that is it for now...

First Holiday Thoughts...

So I have done all the christmas shopping. Once again was pretty much left on my shoulders. I bought for both sides of the family and with my money for the most part as well. Now I am also left to wrap it all which I HATE!!!! Will be so glad to have the holidays be over. I know this christmas was already gonna suck but everyday I knowe it's gonna suck even worse than what I already thought it would. Do you know christmas is the highest time for suicides that and new years? The top age group for suicides is seniors? Interesting statistics eh? But I can totally understand it! I have told everyone if I ever end up from drowning or suffication or soemthing painful someone did it to me. If I die and there is no note I didn't do it. I am so paranoid that I have always felt like letting people knowing that. I mean cause sometimes I feel like I am being drugged against my will but can't prove it, but I can be paranoid at times, but yeah I would want a toxicology report done.
I am so envious of the people getting to go see Meatloaf makes me want to cry so unfair :(
Mary is home her friends threw a surprise party for her and are spending the night and Sarah is having aparty with her friends as well, so it's been loud and hectic here. Let's see 24th we are having christmas dinner at Phil's sisters because his dad is tired from having his surgery and he can go downstiars and relax when he gets tired. Then Christmas day I have no idea what we are doing which is a new one for me:( Then26 his sister is having a boxing day open house we're going to that and get rid of girls after a couple hours there cause everyone is gonna be drinking ect. The girls are gonna go out and spend their christmas money with a group of friends and then sleep over at a friends. Then the 27th Sarah got lucky and made it into a special soccer thing that was first come first served. Then we are getting family pics done. Then the 28th is Kai's 3rd bday party and we are going to that as well. So we will be busy bees.
Christmas is so depressing to me I can't remember the last christmas I have had without my son DJ. I cry and cry thinking about it.I love him so much and I just can't be angry with him or resent him. Yes I am upset with his ultimatum to buy him a PS3 but he wants one so much. The Playstations have always been something that mean alot to him. He says I broke his PS2 because when he was grounded from the internet I did not realize you could connect to the internet through a PS and he snuck onto the internet when grounded on his PS2. I went upsytairs and pulled out his cable cord. I never even picked the thing up. I just took the internet out. I can't help but question if maybe I did break it, but my dad and mom and Phil and a few other adults said it just doesn't seem possible that I did. It seems more likely that when he threw his tantrum that he broke it then blamed me.See the thing is I fully expected to buy DJ a PS3 for christmas this year but then I saw the price and the fights, we went on ebay still very expensive. Then I had thought I would ask his nanna/pappa, uncle Roger, maybe Karen, maybe aunt Judy, Phil, Granny, Oma/Opa, JC/Colleen, Colin/Nikki, and his foster parents to help put money towards one to get one. However even with all of them it still would not be enough to buy one and now everyone said my getting one now would be the worst thing to do because it would happen again, he would do it again. Which broke me down into tears. He destroyed a plan I really wanted to help him with. Cause I really know he wanted one :'( I DID SEE DJ A FEW DAYS AGO AND GAVE HIM $50 DOLLARS IN MAYFAIR BUCKS, he was in the van with his foster dad and said what's this I said mayfair bucks he said oh and he took it and that was the end of that. I had to stop myself from crying, no thankyou no emotion just took it without any greatfulness. Oh well I am just thrilled he took them I could not go throughout the holidays not giving him something. He loves alot of the stores in there. Now I wish I had given him 100 dollars like I had planned to in the first place :'( Yeahknow he looked really awesome and gorgeous. Short hair cleaned up. Did my heart alot of good to see him like that. No matter what has happened I will always love my kids and I think there is always room to work things out. DJ is right I put too much on his shoulders I gave him way too much info for his age. My brother and I have had a few talks about that. Just because DJ will listen and try to help and is good at talking back does not mean I should pull him into adult conversations. I'm sure that must have been stressful.
Sometimes I think I am such a screwup as a parent. I wish there was a manual, and a warning thing built into us to shock us when we say or do the wrong things. I so always wanted kids and I always wanted to be a good mother but it just doesn't seem to happen I keep fuckin it up and it hurts :'(
Phil and I have been fighting pretty extremely lately. His self destruction is getting worse. More than punching a door, a drawer, a wall, he has now started to punch himself in the face leaving vicious red marks on his face. It scares me so much. He says he does it to toughen up so when the world goes to hurt him it won't. He has had some trauma in his life and he needs counselling in a huge way. I saw a documentary on msnbc canada channel and they said there is a group therapy run by Don Wright and I was wondering how to get ahold of him, because I think a contact like him would be great for Phil to become in conact with. Of course Phil is fighting counselling because he says it won't work and he thinks if he goes I win, like it's a game and he is only going because I want him to:'( But it's not at all like that :( I care about his life and until he deals with this anger and memories he will never get over the anger not ever! And every relationship he has WILL be affected!!!!
Phil hasn't been well either 2 months now of coughing I did force him to go to doctor but his doctor gave him robitussin and for a bit he felt better but now he keeps me up all night coughing. It's not a cold cause he has no other symptoms.I think it could be walking pneumonia. I am having a helluva time getting him back into the dr for medication which his dr told him to do if after that robitussin was gone and he still was coughing.
I've been talking to Doug on and off again. Did I mention he is seeing some chick named Cindy in Sooke? He said he for the most part falls asleep on her because he is so tired but doesn't deny they are intimate. I thought he was gonna try though and I am not that fricken stupid!!!!
I still have not gotten ahold of the lady to do my SIDS tattoo which is a little upsetting to me. I am actually very upset I want this damn tatto. I am starting to think about going to other shops and seeing how much it would cost in other places:'( Or maybe getting ahold of Wade to do it he did my dingo paw tat:)
Anyhow that is it for now, hope everyone has good holidays :)

Recent December Thoughts

Just laying up here talkin in bed wth Phil. We still can't believe dJ'S ULTIMATUME! Ce la view I suppose. I love my son and I realize he has had a life that has been confusing and hard. I partially blame his dad but his dad walked out before he was ever born right Bryan?
I had a talk with my brother about Dj's addiction to gaming and how it seems to be the one and only thing that seems to matter to him and bring him happiness and I wanted to understand the reasoning behind it. After listening to my brother break down Dj's life and break down gaming and how the two work together it's almost impossible to not understand why he wouldn't love his computer and gaming. In fact I should be thankful to God that that is what it is he is drawn to he could have been drawn to much much worse.
It's angering to me that my son is from a very very very well to do family his grandparents are very high up people in north bay ontario. Roman catholic family. Run a well known restaurant and have turned their back on their first grandson from day one. I tried to have them involved sent his grandmother pictures and letters. I did everything, even DJ sent notes but they just turned their backs on him. I found Bryans brother on a popular school site and he never wrote back when he realized who I was. I have had a few people write me to tell me where Bryan is and his parents are still where they have always been. But you can drag a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
I saw Motley Crue and Aerosmith. I have never been to a big girl concert before people were drunk and high. Motley Crue was ok but not like I expected. I LOVE MOTLEY CRUE but they semmed like a really held back kind of group they swore alot but held back. Niki Sixx was way better than I would have ever expected he actually seemed the most hard assed which shocked me. He handed out a bottle of champagne and came out and sang with aerosmith singing helter skelter:) Aerosmith however holy moley I LOVED IT they were really into the crowd they come much more into the audience, they are more interactive, the lights and stuff are much more involved. They are also much cleaner not as much swearing and seem much more inot their music than into acting. I really enjoyed their concert. We were only about 10 feet away and I could have sat another 2 hours of them singing he just rocked. Very well put together. I want to see them again.
I am so sulking right now because more than anything I want to go see MEATLOAF and so many people are going to see him. He will be in Victoria FEB 28th 2007. I just want to cry I am a HUGE MEATLOAF fan and always have been. I doubt I will get a ticket though:(I hate it I really want to go. I wanna know if they are gonna sell the bat out of hell CD's as a trilogy set cause I would like that as well.
I finally talked to Doug today, been trying to get ahold of him for over a week. He is seeing some chick up in sooke named Cindy. He is working at his work and the casino and doing the floors still and goes up to nanaimo for work still. Yep still a workaholic, just always working working working. Always says he is gonna cut back on his hours but somehow seems to work more and more :'( But he actually phoned while at work today and I am gonna call him later.
Phil is back at work. He works days. His arm hurts still seems more lately but it could be all this cold weather. He is happy to be back at work but hates going to bed so early because he has to get back up early.
His dad did get the tumour out but they found more and there is nothing they can really do. So this is pretty much from what it looks like is his last christmas. We don't have any set time of how long we have with him, so we cherish the days we have. Phil is not handling it well at all. Sarah doesn't quite understand how to connect to it. It's a very confusing time for everyone. We saw dad yesterday he was alot quieter than I am used to seeing, but it was nice to see him. It just makes you take stock of what we have in life you just never know from one day to the next what will happen and who will be here still.
I have alot of things I have written down but I think I am just gonna forgo them. I have a computer up in my room now by my bed thanks to my brother setting it up. THANKYOU ROGER!!!! I have the best brother ever. The thing about having my brother around so much is he sees everything. He has had a few major talks with me. The things he says are true but are hard to hear. But also he doesn't make me feel bad, he applauds me just for getting up. He understands how hard each step in a day is for me. He doesn't do it in a belittling way either, he does it in a way that makes me smile. He congradulates me on every little step I do. He does think I am being emotionally abused and worries about that. He didn't just say I am being emotionally abused either he has said things Phil doesn't get, I mean he's not being one sided.
Quite a few people have told me I should do something I don't know I can do lately, even by people who love Phil dearly and it's easy to say for everyone, but for me to do it, it's not like me to deal with things that way. I am just so confused right now :'(
Oh wouldn't you know it I got those teeth pulled out and they broke my jaw as it was infected badly and now I broke another fuckin tooth and it's killing me. I am seriously considering having them yank out all my top teeth and getting false teeth :( God the pain a broken tooth br4ings is just insane!
As much as I hate Christmas I did decorate. I have a beautiful white Christmas Tree and victorian colored decorations, and a big burgandy ball in the livingroom and hallway and white icedrops and gold snowflakes hanging across the livingroom, gold and white around the doors, gold bells, a red ribbon on the door, burgandy treeskirt, and mistletoe :) I hate christmas and this year I seem worse but I did most of the shopping, and Phil is just angry this year so it's made me hate it more. I will be glad when the holiday is over! Hope everyone elses is much better!

dosent matter

Nice email huh? Now how exactly am I supposed to come up with this? Not to mention No I DID NOT BREAK THAT DAMN PS2. If I could buy the PS3 I would I already have pretty much told everyone that! *tears* ----- Original Message ----- From: "dj macrae" To: <tenderone@shaw.ca> Sent: Wednesday, December 13, 2006 9:52 PM Subject: dosent matter >I have a deal for u its just as manipulative as u are > > for 2 times a week i will come and see u for an hour at a time on my > scheadule > > ur part of the deal is to buy me a ps3 first off all for whats already > written and because u broke my ps2 and yes i am pulling this shit on u > > im giving u till dec 30 i dont care how hard it is to find or how > expensive it is > > but if u do buy it i will give u a cahnge rm no later than dec 30 > > regards from D.J. for angela macrae

Would you try to buy the PS3 given these conditions? Yes No Not A Chance He Needs to GROW UP I may have wanted to before given an ultimatium but not now Love him but don't give in to emotional blackmail Wow I give him kudos yeah he should so get the PS3 I would want to but if I couldn't I couldn't, love doesn't require a PS3 A big part of me would want to

Holy SNOW

It was a snow day here and apparently across BC. It is damn cold out too:) So cold I have seen no kids playing in the snow that says something. Being a child from Ontario canada, I say Bc'ers should be ashamed of their reaction to snow, sheesh. I would rather have snow that the rain.
I did see my doctor and she does think I have an ulcer she put me on Pariet and made an appointment for me to see Dr.Amson we hope to get a scope ASAP because I am loosing dark blood. That's all I need right now:(
Phil's dad John was just found to have a tumour in his stomach and it's positive and a low percentage of being able to get it out. So Mom(Anne) is having a hard time as is the rest of the family. So support and prayers are a blessing. Apparently his surgery should be in about 2-3 weeks. Gonna be a hard holiday season though.
Alden's anniversary of her loss is on the 4th. That is hard as well. December is becoming worse and worse of a month to me.
Ok things I have written to remember:
Movie I liked on Women's Network Nov 26/06 "Try To Remember"(2004) Gabrielle Anwar, Lisa Monroe(mystery & suspense)
Thinking about DJ, his newest tactic is to call me by my name and not by mom, and still with the fuck this and the fuck that & your not important to my life. The name thing bugged me the fisrt couple of times but now I truly don't care. Whatever he feels his angry little mind needs to do. Like I told him no matter what he calls me I am still his mom. Sarah wants her brother here for Christmas she misses him so much but he feels he has to hurt her to punish me. I want here too. If I had nothing else that would be the best present itself.
He is just so insesant on blaming me for kicking him out, but I wanted just a weekend to calm myself down and think straight. I got scared when he got angry, but it could be I reacted that way becauseI do tend to jump easily because of past abuses. I realize& take responsability for maybe not handling it a better way. Upon further reaction I'm sure there could have been better ways to deal that would have worked for both of us. But he got overreactive as well & shut the door completely because of one bad weekend & hehas to take responsability for his choices. I do love him & miss him. Wish he were home but he needs to make his own choices & I will still will always, have door open for him and a place in my heart. I really do miss him :'(
I want to say I was very sad on my bday When the jury came back and said guilty to 1st degree murder on 2 theories aggravated rape and aggravated buglary and put Christopher McCowen in Jail. I am so hurting for that man. I just don't believe he raped and killed that lady. Day 6 Jury was deadlocked on Cape Cod. One female juror was replaced for personal reasons. Defense was refused mistrial by the judge, and jury was sequestered for 2 days.

Written Changes

Yes this is all stuff written again since my last entry so is a little here and there ok maybe alot here and there...Legacy of Pain-Montreal massacre murder of 14 women, Engineering school he went there around 4pm. Before shooting he shouted "I hate feminists" It was 6pm before SWAT made it into the building. I would like to know what took so long for them to get in. I was surprised to see the picasso painting pulled of the block at the 11th hour which was estimated to sell at over 60 million. Has something to do with a family being forced to sell it to nazi's or something like that. I missed the back story on that. But was surprised, as it was huge news it was selling.I am a fan of Michael Buble and love seeing him doing a commercial for Children's Hospital with his song I wanna come home. I love that song and Children's Hospital is one of my things I support financially. They saved DJ's life and did a major surgery on Mary.We all saw this coming, Brittney Spears filed for divorce and the next day her husband Kevin Federline filed for sole custody of both kids. *shakes head*Actor Daniel Baldwin was arrested in San Antonio, California on suspicion of stealing an SVU. Hello the guy is rich, well know, handsome, doesn't need to steal an SVU I so don't buy this. Someone screwed up on this one I think!I like this quote "When will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsPizza came to North America in the 1900's with the immigrants was first made to represent italy's colors. Cool thing to know:) My favorite pizza is mushroom pizza. Yep just mushrooms:)Women in Black-Wear white poppies which are hand made. The legions are in court because they are put out that they put them out at the same time as their red poppies. Come on now the world has room for both. I find that really sad and shameful!I made a nice roast on the 4th with yorkshire pudding gravy baby carrots and baby potatoes everyone loved it:) Yeah me:)A Michael Williams Statue was put up in Victoria it is temporary I believe still to be moved to a more permanent place but nice to be done. I have to say whew hoo to America's Most Wanted 20th season 911 captures, I am a hard core watcher it is the show of all shows!I'm watching Extreme Makover Home Edition I want the shirt from Pink Warriors I have to find out about getting one of those shirts, they help with brast cancer. Relay for life I would buy a shirt but walking for 5 days omg I would be done in, my brother might do that though. Phil said he would do it. I hate cancer it took away my grandmpa. They said to go on the web and go to http://www.abettercommunity.comBissell get a http://www.carosan.com gets rid of dust miteshttp://www.tryone.com http://www.firstroboticscanada.org http://www.eons.com http://www.tell-someone.com http://www.veryfunnyads.com http://www.nowpublic.com http://www.tomorrowsworld.org http://www.no2meth.ca http://www.manulifeincomeplus.com http://www.cheaters.com http://www.cancerrecovery.ca http://www.courttvnews.com http://www.wolfboys.ca http://www.livestrongportfolios.com http://www.datelinecrime.net http://www.operationhomefront.net http://www.squaredance.ca http://www.thriftyfoods.com http://www.londondrugs.ca http://www.mvparents.com http://www.orbitz.com http://www.ditech.com http://www.besaucy.ca http://www.oldfieldorchard.org http://www.scienceworld.ca http://www.creditunionsbc.com http://www.thermacare.com http://www.chtv.ca http://www.wholegrainoats.ca http://www.gnomewatch.com http://www.tcfarm.org http://www.endaids.ca http://www.torontofilmschool.ca http://www.belairtravel.com http://www.high.org http://www.carfax.com http://www.tostidos.ca http://www.lifenetwork.org http://www.zerocrashmonth.com http://www.builtfordtough.com http://www.tcfarm.org I wish BC to follow suit, April 2007 Alberta pharmacists can write prescriptions for people. Other provinces will be watching. God that would be so much easier than always going back for renawals. I been seeing alot of psychics and mediums I like on tv when I see them I will mention them here and there like Phil Jordan who is a Medium.K-KeepI-InteruptingD-DuringS-SleepSo Saddam is guilty of genocide and is sentenced to hanging. They figure appeals will be done by January and hanging may happen by februaury 2007. Saddam trembled and said after sentencing "God is Great". We all know Bush is happy and sees it as a good thing for their people. I haven't heard an official stement from Canadian prime minister. Tony Blair minister in Britian against death penalty for saddam and all and any cases. I think Saddam is hilarious, and an ass but I don't agree with the death penalty in any case, never have. I believe what goes around Karma will take care of.Jury clock has been being watched for the Cape Cod Case of Christa Worthington(fashion writer) Murdered and found with her unharmed 2yr old child alive next to her, where Christopher McCowen has been tried for first degree murder and aggravated rape. Defense say he was coerced into a confession because of low IQ. There is no video or taped confession just their word. Which is just one of my reasons for my reason of not convicting him. Not to mention these police had a narrow field of vision. A witness saw a white man leave the crime but Chris is Black. Things don't all add up with the evidence. I think they too quickly jumped to a black man and I couldn't convict him and feel good about it if I were on the jury.Corcoran prison-love the song a prisoner wrote and sings "15 to life"http://www.texasborderwatch.com has been set up to help people illegally crossing the border-what a joke. How sad does it have to get?I was deeply disturbed by Dr.Phil's show with Jeremy who so obviously is sexually abusing his daughter Kailie. Trying to outwit the lie detector test which we found out is 92% accurate. The detctive who gave the test believes he is guilty and Dr.Phil is helping to report him to all he can. I just feel so bad for his little girl and the videos of her crying killed me. To admit he has an email at analbastard@----.com says alot too. I hope the mother of his child to be is smart enough to walk away and never turn back. My God he is sick!Love the gecko on the geico commercials and the cavemen ones crack me up. The other ones I change the channel when they come on.Had right top molar pulled out wed nov 1st was supposed to have root canal but tooth was too far gone. Pain set in way worse as each day went on worse than when I had the tooth. Felt and looked like a big piece of tooth was still left over. Finally after throwing up and crying everyday I went back on the 8th to find out it was jaw bone jutting out. So They froze me which I whined about I was so tender. Then they broke the jutting out jaw bone and I freaked as I heard it cracking and then they used an exacto knife looking thing to shave down the bone. Needless to say I have been in massive PAIN, but seem to be healing this time.Dr.Bass has an interesting place I would love to see The Body Farm Forensic Anthropology Center a place to learn about human decaying at any given time. There are 30 bodies on the lot at any given time. I learned watching it that flies are only active in temps over 52 degrees.Mamie Van Daren she's beautiful and is aging so well, don't we all wish we could be like her? She married a 19yr old when she was 32. She really has been blessed! She so doesn't look to be in her 70's.I don't like the show Trading Spouses, I do however like the show Wife Swap.I've unfortunately gone into the picking phase again. I have 3 sores on my face, 2 on chin, 1 on side of face. A few on each arm and a couple on one leg. I hate that I do it in my sleep:( I finally got into the group I've been waiting to get into. DPT Group it is an 8 month group and 10 of us in it.Been throwing up ALOT! & Dry heaving I called Amson's office cause I want a scope I am wondering if it is possible I have an ulcer of course no one has called me back grrrr. I see my dr for the flu shot in a week or so so will mention it to her! I am sick more than I am well. I really do feel sometimes like I am being drugged:( I have NO SEX DRIVE!!! Poor Phil he finally has one and I just push him away I just don't want to be close to anyone as of late. I mean who wants to be close when your feeling sick??:(Judge Leslie Lewis shaved 10 yrs off a prison sentence off an admitted sexual predator who had 3 counts of sexual abuse towards a 7 year old in Utah. What the hell is she thinking?I see no usefulness in the pasta express either way you still have to boil the water right?Once again someone is loving the media attention ESCORT Mike Jones is just sucking up the media attention. I am proud of Reverand Ted Haggard for admitting he has a darker side in his life being involved with drugs and a male escort(Mike Jones [who outed him]). I think it's brave how he said it publicly even though he was outed. Mike you need to get a life, good God!Yet again another cruise has had an accident. A man was seen going overboard on carnival cruises sat nov 4 2006. Is it just me or is alot of cruise ships having things like this happening?Did you watch Criss Angel's celebrity seance at the armasosa hotel in death valley junction california room 34 where apparently a little girl named Mary died. I wasn't all that pulled into it and his quote at the end made me think even less "Do you believe in ghosts? I don" Criss Angel I do love Criss though I love how great he is with his illusions and magic it is unlike any other and he seems so down to earth. The one show I cry everytime I see is the one with the woodchipper I cry and cry and cry even though I know how it turns out his mom gets to me. I cry for her and I almost threw up once I felt so much for her. I don't know how she does it. He really is a great man to his family but I feel for his mom with each stunt he pulls:) I think his brother JD is pretty hot:) I liked watching Mark Chadwick a stunt coordinator teach Criss how to take a hit from a car-OUCH! I would love to go see him one day at Houdini's grave that he visits every year. Houdini died on Halloween I find that really interesting don't you? It seems Criss goes to Magick Castle in Hollywood California alot too I never even knew about that place till his show, would love to see him there too among others:) I was really upset I wanted to join the Criss Angel fan club but Phil got so worked up about it I deleted the webpage. He thinks I like Criss because I want to get jiggy with him but it's not just physical I love the great magic Criss does and the way he is with family and fans. I wish I so wish I could get Phil to understand that because it hurts me so much that he gets so worked up about something that isn't. Like Criss would just show up and take me to bed get real right?When I was younger I watched David Copperfiled alot, I hear he is doing a show in Vancouver soon, I wouldn't mind seeing him if he came to Victoria. I would so go see Criss if he came, but my brother says he doubts Criss would come to canada, that made me sad:(I love Kathryn Morris off of Cold Case she is a wonderful actress and seems really down to earth.It's wierd to see Camryn Manheim on Ghost Whisperer this year. I've always been a fan of hers. I want to get my ears done like hers:) Odd but true fact:) I've never played Marco Polo can someone please tell me how the hell this game works what is the point of it?I did not know amityvilee was in New york, another reason for me to go to new york huh Barb? I gotta get there one day soon I think about it all the time:) it's in oceanville?I want to try out that new antidepressant cymbalta is anyone else on it? Does it help? I am wondering if it really helps with the physical symptoms of depression, if it does that would be so damn great:)48hrs oct 28 2006-The Church of scientology Ellie "Perkins" Think it is crap they put down psychiatry killed by Jeremy now being treated for schizophrenia.I saw on the news not too long ago that our military is no longer gonna require people to pass the physical, they will now get passed on to a trainer. Also they apparently will be able to enroll at a younger age, WTF? I am bewildered by this!I am curious to see the documentary coming out on attempted suicide called THE BRIDGE alot of controversy apparently over it.Book: Fatal FamiliesMake A Wish FoundationThe Movie Loves Music Loves to Dance 2001 was a good movie; Patsy Kensit & Justin Louis. Kept me guessing till the end, way fucked up. Not many movies keep me intrigued lately this one did and watched it on the women's network:)Oh did you hear about the Meth bust that was so huge they said it will hugely affect colorado. They called it the Elmo bust as he had 4lbs of meth of just some of the meth they found in these guys. A 19yr old was the ring leader I heard about this on October 26 2006 I am just shocked by that news, poor elmo:(I found a new drink I like it's called VEX a blue drink hard blueberry, raspberry, lemonade, 7%vol. tastes like a blue freezie:)2 of the new shows I like this year is 20 good years and Till Death both are so funny I almost pee myself laughing, omg those are definetly hits this year!Lisa Williams-Life Among the DeadI love the song by Jewel- It's Gonna Be AlrightOther songs I want- I want a ManOkay I am getting hooked on Gene Simmons Family Jewels his kids are so remarkably normal. I love it, and his beautiful wife. I can't believe he had security stop him and not know who he was Holy Stupid Fucking People! Lady you gave canadian security a bad name not knowing who he was *hangs head in shame for our canadians* Ever heard of KISS? aaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh?I liked on More Haunted Houses- VJ Houseman*Psychic & Cari Roy*Psychic they were very good:)Voodoo Margaret Very good and interesting lady:) I have written here no one knows where baby but can't read the name I wrote but mom was Jane. Hull House used to help care for babies and mothers who had been turned away and had no where to go. There was a baby that was said to be a demon baby but was just born without limbs and they took it in. This story so touched my heart. I love stories like that. It is sick how cruel people can be just because the baby was missing it's limbs, made me cry. I am fascinated by the story of Sarah Winchester I want to know more. I want to go visit the place she had built which is now a tourist attraction. She was the heir to the winchester fortune which is guns and was bothered by the death of that. So she was somehow felt to build with the money she had and built an eccentric building. The building had no sense to it, tiny windows, no way to hallways ect. At some point apparently a hurricane took it down leaving 2 rooms and she took this as a sign to build backwards. Apparently she was taken with the number 13 which only fascinates me more and was used in building this building which would have things like 13 stairs and 13 windows ect. Her will had 13 parts and was signed 13 times. She slept in different rooms each nigh believing the spirits would not find her, however she did not elude them foever she slept her last night in one of the rooms. In her safe was found only 2 locks of hair the locks to her dead husband and child of long ago. That alone touches me. 13 touches me too as it is a very important number and beloved number in our family for many reasons and has touched our lives many times and probably will again.Oh that sucks Mary's ex boyfriend gets to go to disney I have always wanted to go:( No fair!