Happy Easter

Well Happy Easter everyone hope it was a good one for everyone. Pretty quiet around here. One kid is at my sisters, one kid was up at 4am so we opened baskets with her and then the other was up at 8 am and then he left this afternoon till tomorrow. So been quiet around here. Feels wierd. Good though cause I cannot shake this fricken headache I have had it for days I am sure the tooth problems are a huge part of it:(
Kids liked their baskets. I never did go with Phil to his parents yesterday
because my two oldest stayed home and I didn't want to leave them here alone together and that turned out to be a good thought.
Ya know my whole life there is a few places I have always wanted to go one is new orleans and another is New York City. I still do among a few other places but I keep finding more reasons why I want to go to NYC. Now I want to go to see this tatoo artist Paul Booth his work is fricken incredible http://www.darkimages.com . I would just die to have anything on me from him. If you saw his work you would want it done too. I love tatoos always have but his is some of the best work I have ever seen. I would love to also see a NYC tatoo convention apparently it is just huge.OMG I so wish I had the money to just spend on whatever I wanted. I think tats are beautiful pieces of art walking around. True I have seen some bad ones but when their good their really good. Here's a little stat for you apparently 1 in 10 americans have tatoos and females are the largest growing poulation in getting them. That is very exciting. I am not much into the piercings but I think some are cool. The body modification strange to me and makes me nervous apparently it is done with pieces of teflon. I just can't see that being safe and how do they test to see if you will have a reaction to that? Although it is not up my alley I am hugely an adorer of Erik The LizardMan You so so so have to check him out man http://www.thelizardman.com he actually looks like a lizard with tats, split tongue, body modification, even teeth done.
Oh I do keep a blog and a list of some interesting blogs and some of my fave sites on msn space here: http://spaces.msn.com/yourladyillusions/ I have pictures there too but cannot get to them or even see them anymore, but am told they are still there:(
Phil and I had a little better a day yesterday which was nice. Last week the one bad day we had was just really bad I took his keys and his bag and pushed him out the door and told him I didn't want to see him again till after karate and work. Just needed a cool down period. First time I have done that. I think I was just really also cranky to everyone that day. Some days lately I just feel so on edge. I see my psychiatrist this week and we'll see how things are gonna go with these new meds. Not so sure I can say they are working. My thoughts are all a mess but my moods are changing as quickly as normal. However they are still changing up and down and anxiety is still there:(
Sometimes I think Phil is right sometimes I think God does have a cruel sense of humour.Why are some people so damn perfect and some of us so messed up? He doesn't get why he has to loose his hair and he thinks he is fat and ugly now when he's not but he thinks that is what happens to some men while other men keep their hair and looks. I told him think about us women we have biological clocks, periods, menopause, tits drop, butts drop, babies to carry to deliver, oh and he thinks women can jump out of bed with the perfect hair it falls into place and men have to work at it to make it look good. Grrrrrrrr whatever. That is why we girls have ponytails right?
Speaking of which God or the Girl just came on, we'll see if I watch it or not. Looks kinda interesting.
You know I was shocked yesterday to learn that heroin is the number one drug in white age 16 yr old femalesin middle class family in the usa right now. Years ago it had a 10% purity level now a days you can find at a 50 to 80% level. Which is the apparent reason for the rise in overdoses. It's been said it's easier to buy drugs than alcohol by teens, that is scary coming from the parent of a teen.There is a mother who speaks out about heroin use so that the death of her daughter is not in vain. Her daughters name was Erin Allen. She had gotten clean for 9 mos but one day went for a routine blood test and was triggered to use. Not long after her mother got a call and was told her daughter was in the morgue of a heroin overdose. I find that so scary and so sad. Her mother is so strong and I think it is great she can share her daughters story. Her daughter kept a diary writing to heroin as if it were her best friend which really opens ones eyes to how much this stuff does to you. It takes you over and it only takes once and boom you could be gone. I like what Dr.Lance Gooberman does he does a surgery that costs $3000 US he puts you out and puts in a drug to pull out the heroin from your system, after he watches you go through withdrawl and back to normal he inserts this little pellet which not sure if this is spelled right but is called maltrexon. If you try and take heroin it won't do anything you won't get high it slowly dissolves over a period of months. I guess not everyone believes in it but I say it's something. I would hope in canada something like that would be covered.
I believe we need more help as parents of young and teens because there is not a whole lot out there for us. Not here in canada anyhow. Family Services are more than happy to tell you to put them into the justice system if they get too out of control. Well not every kid needs the justice system, and why does it have to get to that point? If they had more set up and more options for parents and teens then maybe the need for the justice system would not even be in the damn equation. How many parents now a days have had their kids threatened them if you touch me or do whatever is they don't think you should do I will call the poilce or SS? I know there is alot. They do it because they are taught they now have the power and they can threaten adults. In result of that alot of adults have given up. Now not sure how that works around the world but I know in canada it seems to have gone from one extreme when I grew up to the exact opposite extreme.
The other day our cat Storm was driving me insane with his insesant meowing so I told Phil to settle him down as he always seems to for him. Well he did, he had though disappeared I thought he sunk in the bathroom, but when he came down and I asked him where he went he said he had put Storm to bed. Actually took the cat put him in bed and layed with him till he fell asleep and then came back downstairs. I have to say sometime I am a little jealous of Storm and Phil they sometimes seem to have a closer relationship then Phil and I do. How pathetic am I to be jealous of a fricken cat? I should be happy to have someone who loves a cat and is patient like that with a cat.
Since everyone has been stressed and getting sick I been making sure everyone is taking vitamins, I get Phil these new losanges from halls called Halls Oxygen and I also get him the Halls Vitamin C. I also get alot of orange juice and they don't seem to be much into eating the oranges but the apples are getting eaten as well as bananas so I do buy those.
One of my favorite shows I love is called I Detective I like it because I like to see how many answers I can get right and most I do get right. However one show I was think how can you say the murder was premeditated just because there was a gas can in the car? If I were the defense lawyer I would argue that. I admit they definetly murdered the guy up on remote mountain with a gun but just because they had a gas can in thecar does not mean they thought it out ahead of time. Sometimes people do have a gas can in the car as an emergency thing or just to have it. I mean we've talked about having some for when the gas prices go up or if we get stuck somewhere, saying it was in thee for murder is an assumption. But hey that's just my opinion.
Just before the weekend a kid was forced to sit in the corner by a student teacher wearing a cap the teacher made saying DUNCE on it with the class there. The teacher is no longer there. I would have blown up. What the hell is wrong with fricken people? That is not acceptable you do not do that to a kid at school or anywhere else, that shit stays with you, trust me!!!
Ya know I can understand why alot of criminals want to come to canada. Look at Karla Maholka she should still be in jail just like Paul Bernardo. She damn well killed her little sister. She administer the sleeping pills and then the stuff to knock her out. Over the years she could have done something or said something. The police really screwed up that case. There should have been a way to get out of the plea bargain she gave them. She really did get a sweet sweet deal and they know it too. Scary to know she is out there. Although our laws may not be as harsh I do not agree with the death penealty and I don't believe in corporal punishment. But I do think we need to upgrade our system.
There was a guy in Anamosa Penitentiary 2005 in Iowa and I don't know his name and didn't catch all the words but really really loved what he spun out and he called it Concrete & Steel. Anyone know how I could find out who wrote it and the words? I loved it so much. That prison is pretty cool they have a program called S.A.V.E. where victims and their families meet up with the prisoner to deal with the crime that affected them all. I think that could be a very healing program. They showed 2 sets of brothers in Anamosa 1 set are 100% brothers who had guys go after them and one is in for life for killing one with a gun the other is hoping to be parolled in 8 to 10 years for cutting another guy up. The 2 brothers that brought tears to my eyes though were the half brothers they share the same mother. They don't blame her they said she struggled to do what she could and she told them they should have listened to her but they didn't. The one brother has never known his dad was reffered to as a sperm donor apparently he pushed the mother down the stairs when she was 3 mos pregnant and the other brother the dad left when he was 5 and he don't know him and doesn't want to. One is in for first degree robbery one is in for second degree robbery. Anyhow it only made me feel stronger in my convictions about keeping the lines open with my kids about their father. DJ his dad is Bryan and I have told him as much as possible he has always known about him and I always continue to encourage that maybe one day his dad could still be in his life. It's sad you know his family is so wealthy they own a couple of mcdonalds in ontario good catholic family big home on the water and his family has done everything to push him away. Yet I continue to keep the positive face up. He looks just like his dad and I think they have alot in common and I think there is still alot of possability if Bryan ever grows up! Girls their grandparents have always kept close to the girls and Michael he is up and down but he is taking Mary and I think he could really blossom once he has her. They are so alike. Yes I believe parents no matter what and no matter what age should never put down their other parent or tell them they are a result of something bad I have seen what damage that does I see it everyday, why do people just not get it? I did find a cool site of work of prisoners if anyone is interested in that http://www.prisonwall.org
This may piss some people I truly car NOT but I want to say there really needs to be more attention payed to women with post partum depression. I truly believe that the defense lawyer Kutmass felt Heidi Afinson was guilty and did not truly defend her the way she deserved. Pleading Jacobs death was an accident. He needed to plead post partum depression, mental illness, she needed to into hospital. being in jail until she is in her 80's is crap. There is mom's out there that yeah are sick and have killed their kids in cold blood but I honestly in my heart believe she was mentally ill at the time. I am glad the one juror held out in Des Moines IA and there was a hung jury but to have the jury find her guilty of second degree murder in Davensport IA. I know so far her new lawyer hasn't had much luck but I iwsh her lawyer Maggi Moss all the love and luck. For those needing help or more ino on post partum depression this is a great link http://www.postpartum.net/
Anyhow I am sore and tired and it's quiet and I will leave with a couple more things I heard someone say last night this"Don't smoke, don't chew & don't date date girls who do"
I heard earlier today that there is a possible arrest in the Natalie Halloway case a 19yr old with initials GVC? I guess we shall watch to see how that story develops I am sure her mom is thrilled K later....

General Thoughts & Other Facts

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverb a quote Phil and I were discussing the other day for no real reason so why not start out there eh lol?
Oh for those who know not what hydro is, it is that which runs power, electricity and sometimes water. Been waiting all day for the jury to come back on the 3 police officers who beat up Frank Jude Jr.Bartlett, Spangler and Masarik I am sure are on pins and needles waiting for the jury to come back. I figured with the long weekend and easter being sunday they would come back tonight. I guess they still could. I mean they did ask for dinner. So maybe they will get through it. For lunch today the jury had pizza. I do have to question why the other police officers were not charged and taken to court as well, that makes no sense to me.While all this is happening Frank is not even watching the case and only was in court to testify for himself only, because he had parole violation and beat up his mother. Not a cool thing at all. Still he did not deserve to be beat like he was by those police officers. I mean he had a red pen stuck in his eardrum and had his pants cut open with a knife and kicked in the groin with boots, that is some serious problems, he'll be lucky to ever produce!
Ready for easter done all the shopping, hope everyone likes what I got them. I hate being the damn fricken easter bunny.
My skin picking has picked up real bad again. my chin is bad and my one arm sucks I peeled about half of it:( Everyone has been more than a little stressed because of miss perfect. Phil is high strung and his calmness is not so calm last couple weeks but sure he will calm back down. Think we all just need some breathing room. Summer can't get here soon enough.
There's a family in vancouver I feel bad for. They are millionaires and yet all the money in the world can't give them what they want right now. Their son. Apparently 23 yr old Graham Mymnn with no criminal background was pulled from his car.Update he is back and missed a couple of exams and is hoping they will give him a break and let him get them done anyhow. I am relieved to give that update:) Congrats to the family:)
To tell you how wonderful our canadians are, an ontario police officer Elliot went above and beyond the call of duty. A lady from New Jersey had rolled her car when there was snow and had written and asked if when the snow melted if he could go back and look if he could find it. Flashlight in hand he went out and found it in the mud. Now there is a lucky lady and a cop who deserves a pat on the back:)
I'm sure Duke University is probably smiling hoping the exotic dancer will never make it to court with the recent 911 call revealed on TV with the police officer revealing she was drunk and passed out. Apparently there is no DNA match yet either. Well he somehow thought something was wrong because she eded up at the hospital had bruises on her legs and did a rape kit. Apparently her friend who had gone with her had called in from a store a little bit away from the house. Apparently police have tried to talk to and go into the rooms of the lacrosse players but they have not been at all co-operative. Listen just because she is an exotic dancer doesn't make her a guilty you know what!!!!
Lots of Crime going on in the states eh? Jesse Dee Wise is being held for blugeoning and strangling his grandmother and 5 other family members in a small pennesylvania amish town. who does that to their grandmother any why?
Pamela Anderson & Pink are working with PETA on a campaign called Kick the The Bucket which is a campaign again KFC. Now I will post this site but I will not say I am pro against KFC because I happen to like KFC and not sure if stards are different here in cada than in other countries but I cannot help that we in this family do love chicken, steak and roast. So anyhow if it is your thing hey it's your thing and here is the link:
http://www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com/
I guess everyone has heard about yet another teacher sleeping with her students? Yep and they think she may have even had plotted with one to try to have her husband killed. You have to wonder what is going on with them today. Sharon Rutherford is accused of sleeping with 4 of her students and possibly more. So if you have watched the other stories like this I am sure this one will get alot of publicity.
Was sickened to hear the couple who decieved so many people in the USA saying they were having I think 5 or 6 kids she even gained 40lbs and it turns out she wasn't ever pregnant at all. So far the only charges I know of is stealing by deciet. Yeah hi I know they can come up with more than that.
In Alberta a grade 2 student apparently was attacked when they they went to the bathroom by a guy hiding in there. They say he was black and around 30. That's why I like the buddy system teachers sending kids in 2's it's not a perfect system but it's better than just 1.
Oh yeah I am just full of info today. How about Felix Polk there is a name for ya eh? his wife Susan polk killed him she says "in self defense" She even said she broke the tip of the knife in him. You should see the drawing of all the cuts she put in him and where they all are, no way that was self defense. Not to mention she look liked she was ready to laugh although that could be being hysterical that does happen in traumatic situations.
Apparently Russia will be hosting another round of talks with the USA, European Union and China on the iran nucular program. How come Canada is not going? I don't get it:(
I heard somewhere that the Guardian Angels are coming to Canada that's pretty cool:) http://www.guardianangels.org/
People here in Victoria BC Canada are sad to have seen a lady close down her local small business Shady Creek IceCream. Apparently it was great gourmet homemade icecream.
I hear that Jann Arden and Michael Buble are going to do a concert together, OMG I think my heart would stop I love them both ALOT!
Does anyone knof the roaming gnome for travelocity is the same voice as the guy who now does the new subway commercials the voice sounds so damn much alike I can't get over it.
Ya know I had no interest at all in watching celebrity cooking showdown but then I saw Alison Sweeney is going on there (Sami from Days) I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sami and I can guarantee you I will be front row and center when she is on there. I watched her on Fear Factor too lol and watched him eat a cockroach so she would eat a worm or 2 or 3 lol. She really is a champ!
Oh and I must say last night I was deeply DEEPLy Deeply DEEPLY Disturbed by buddy who made BLADDER BUDDY uhm yeah hello NO no no!!!! That just was not right. He took this thing out that looks kinda like a shower curtain and cape in the same thing and put it on zipped it up relieved himself took it off folded it back up and then showed how it could get fancier and how for women he had a folded up cup kinda thing NO NO NO yuck omg NO! They did dis this one guy who I LOVED with The Therapy Buddy for Adults. I think there could be a couple things changed but great idea 1 don't say to take it places with you. 2 the therapist you use should be the voice used to say whatever it is that works to make you feel better. 3 use your kids/spous/family whatever as well added to it to so add a loved message to it to also remind you its ok and your loved and this time will pass. I would like to have a burgandy or red one. I wanted to cry for him I loved it and if they think I need help because I love his adult therapy buddy screw them!!! The lady with the ediable waterglobes truly sucked this time at her presentation which upset me cause I would love a few of hers they are one of the best ideas I have ever seen it's ingenious. Then the last one my vote is for is The Character Building Buddies I would buy this for any neice nephew godchild ect ect you teach a child about courage, heart ect by stuffing those pieces into this bear as you tell the story. That you know comes from a mom with a lot of love and a good heart I definetly would buy it. Simon Cowell has another great show on his hands I admit I didn't like it but it's growing on me American Inventor I would love to see a canadian one!!!Since everyone loves the sites so much here is a few I picked up
http://greatmealinminutes.com http://www.salaryexpert.com http://covenanthouse.ca http://mylittlepony.com http://www.inspirationpeak.com http://www.ihateclowns.com/ http://www.nestle.ca http://www.mynaturalmatch.ca http://kelloggs.ca http://www.healthservices.gov.bc.ca/waitlist http://www.bewebaware.ca http://dairygoodness.ca http://campbellsoup.ca http://www.bestnewproducts.ca http://www.ronzoni.ca omg the best pasta sauce ever I love it!!!! Except mine and my mom's lol!!! http://dose.ca
I saw on the on the news the other day a very disturburbing story about how a child called 911 and the operator didn't believe him about his mother being sick but when someone did finally go there he was telling the truth she DIED. OMG I would want that operator in so much trouble I couldn't even begin to tell you. Here if a kid calls and its false they will deal with them when they get here. yes it could be taking from time but it can be real and we teach our kids to rely on the system how they can they believe in a system that lets someone down like this kid?
If anyone watches Criminal minds I think it is a really great show. I love that Shemar Moore omg he is so damn hot has stuck with that show and The Young & The Restless as well. I like that at the end there is almost always a quote as well, that is one of my favorite parts of the show and makes it different from the other law shows! I learned on one show Victim means Victima(sacrifice) learned in Victimology.
I caught the end of a show where a lady was mad because she got liposuction and a tummy tuck but didn't catch the rest did anyone else catch it?
Funny thing happened to DJ the other day I was dying laughing, our cat is fixed but every once in awhile he still sprays well he sprayed his bag and DJ was not happy. Thankfully washing it took it out. Was damn hilarious though!!!
Anyhow as you can probably tell my thoughts are all over the place more than normal as of late so I am gonna go for now. I am off for now...

Lots to Say...

Well canada has a new Bill 25 letting the goverment and hydro watch your hydro usage hoping to bust people using it for illigal purposes. I guess on one level that is great but apparently it is going to affect legitimate hydoponic businesses, so not really sure if there is a way they can reword that bill or rework it so it won't affect them.
Also apparently Ontario is putting things like sudafed and other decongestions(sp?) behind the counter because it contains a drug called pseudophedrine which is contained in meth. Uhm ok I think that is going a little far. Which apparently BC and I believe it is alberta is saying we had like 30 mom and pop robberies which is not much. I personally am really pro http://methwatch.ca but give me a break putting this stuff behind the counter.
Parents out there check out this site while I think of it http://www.enough.org/Lighting the way to protect children and families from the dangers of illegal Internet pornography and sexual predators. Dateline did a great story on how alot of kids are becoming predators on http://www.myspace.com so I talked to my son about it and talked to him about how "Matt" the cop brought up facts on there that they may not have thought about, I definetly love the show dateline has to be one show I try never to miss and I have seen all 3 to catch a predator shows. Surprised to see it moving the USA goverment to get involved now though too. Sad it took that much to concern them though!!!
I am interested to watch the show next week on The Return of Jesse James Hollywood.
I like their Mank Blog. Their story on the Jesus Letters By Michael Baigent really has me wanting to investigate further!!! I also want to look at the book The Passover Plot.
You all know how I love CSI I want the video by ObieTrice called SNITCH he did a stint on CSi and it's awesome song and apparently he is Eminems Protege. Kinda cool ya gotta admit and I have to admit I really do like Eminem and I think I recently heard is he getting divorced from his wife AGAIN? I hope not cause that would be such a sad story.
Does anyone know if it is only in canada or not that at DQ they took away the reeces pieces blizzards? I know they used to be in the top 5 blizzards so wtf? They do have the peanut butter cups butter grrrrrrr!!!
Has anyone watched the show Rescue Mediums? They are two women who are very good and I would love to meet. I am always very entranced by their show. Very good and worth checking out. In canada it is on the womens network.
I recently joined a site I am still unsure about just newly joined so we shall see called http://sleepingmommy.com
I also had my kids force me into trying these new hersheys kissables I had 2 and I say YUCK!!!! They are a cheap wanna be M&M!!!!
I had a lady call me about Puggles I so wish I had more money cause it's like someone putting it in front of me and then saying nope ya can't have one they are excellently priced. Her name is Shanda she is in the states and she said I could let people know so here is some info for you to reach her she says she has lots. Check her out. She gave me the price range of $415-750US I live in BC and would cost me $280 to ship here and can be emailed at countrysideskennel@lakewebs.net so if you do have the money I think that is an excellent price and she says she has tons and more to come so what do you have to loose? I do know alot of people wrote me to ask if I had heard anything so there ya go I also had this lady write from Canada and since she is posting in canada I am guessing I can post some of it: http://www.puggle.org I just posted an ad on that site. We like in Sask, and are puggle breeders, live on a farm One female just sold to Vancouver. Shipping isn't that bad... for example $125.00 from Regina to Vancouver which includes the puppy kennel. Our price is $1200.00 plus shipping. Caroline so you can check out that site :) I envy you if you get one :(
I saw this infomercial last night for Yoga Booty Ballet OMFG has anyone actually ordered this thing? I think I would rather go to a pole dancing class which I seriously would like to go to but would love to go with someone to cause I am now having anxiety attacks being around people that I didn't used to have :(
Not sure how to spell his name but I hope I spell it right Josh Manciewietz he is so cool I love listening to his things on dateline, yep dateline again I am telling you it is one of the best show on TV!
Has anyone heard about the blog ward between Jason Garfield and Chris Bliss? Like OMFG so what you two juggle different amount of balls who fricken really cares? Like the whole internet is gonna get online and have a big todo about one juggling 3 or more balls.
So how am I doing on my new meds? Grrr the topomax? not sure if that is how to spell it or not it apparently is making me loud and excitable. I am constantaly being told I am loud and getting excited which eventually does get to a person, makes you feel bad about yourself ya know? Apparently is not helping my wrestless legs either as I am forever rocking them and the heaviness and tinglingling in my fingers I had is completely gone. So not exactly sure what will be done next. I don't want to go off them as I am not violent and I am not out of it and most importantly I AM NOT SICK!!!! OMG Lithium makes me so sick.
Poor Phil lost his wallet, like he was never meant to have that wallet, I bought it for my dad to make him at christmas and he made it with DJ's name so he cut it out and put Phils name and was gonna fix it later but now he has lost it. Guess I will be buying a new one AGAIN and this time will have his name on it and not cut into like last time. Costly when you lose all your ID though. We had to call the police, his work the companies, all ID in there OMG fricken harsh!
In the meantime my wallet broke I been using it not being able to zipper it. I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOo need a new wallet.
Going to Phil's mothers on saturday she does a yearly easter hunt for the kids which my kids love. This year Colin will be there and my kids love Colin and JC they think they are hilarious and fun. Little apprehensive with all the problems Phil and I have had I feel kind of out of place again. Feel unwanted and unliked but I guess I should be used to that.
Does anyone know if cats have feelings? Cause Casper has gotten really fat and Phil insists his feelings are getting hurt by only being called fat ass by everyone. Today when someone told them they loved him but he is really fat he got down off the chair and ate when they left he got back up on the chair and slept. I was like hmmmm maybe it is hurting his feelings. But how do you know? I mean he's a cat*sigh*
Oh Does anyone know how to authenticate a David Beckham apparently autographed picture? I would have thought there has to be a certificate of authenticity. I really would have to hate to pay again to authenticate it. But anyone could have just signed it for crying out loud right? I am talking about the soccer player.
Oh my mother pisses me off. She is taking me daughter away this summer for a couple weeks and I can barely afford crap as it is and she expects me to get her a whole new fricken wardrobe and then some for when they go. Screw that. I have alot more things to think about.
At least things are not as hecktic as they were and alot of plans are now in place and supports and I feel better about that.
Phil and I are talking more. I just wish he hadn't gotten himself in the situation he has. But I guess we all go through those periods in our life.
Teeth are hurting more and more, my one tooth has broken AGAIN not sure how it is still staying in my mouth but it does hurt :(
Anyhow think I have talked people bored so am off for now....

Variety of Thoughts...

Tyra Banks fainted? Keifer Sutherland was drinking? What is going on with our stars of today? Do our canadians know that Mario Lemieux and Pamela Anderson are 2 of the richest canadians we have? Yeah I think it is her breasts. I like that she is going up against Harper and our animals though. You go girl!
Looks like we may get lucky and have a new superstore here in Victoria BC. Has anyone heard about the lady who got a call about wanting to know if she wanted her husbands ashes and she thought she had got them 4 years ago? OMG I would just flip right out!
Oh I have to say I am proud Eva Longoria from Desperate housewives talking to cosmopolotian about getting a brazialian bikini wax and that it gives her better sex with Tony Parker. She thinks everyone should try it. Uhm yeah no. Shaving maybe but waxing OUCH! I agree it's probably alot better in bed and she rocks for being cool to going out in public and talking about something like that. It pisses me off how people get all uptight about something like shaving or sex like it should be kept taboo and in the closet. Grow the hell up!!!!
I have to say I HATE AVRIL's NEW BLONDE HAIR!!!! Get a grip girl go back to your natural color.
Sucks like hell that aerosmiths concert was cancelled apparently had something to do with his throat. Motley Crue is going to be here I could cry I wanted to see them so badly. I fricken love Vince Neil!
I have to say yeah to the television for having Vanity Insanity on last night. We need more shows on that talk about men and vanity issues because I think alot of men feel alone. I couldn't believe Buff from WWF that he had calf implants and his body rejected them and he actually for a second wondered about how he could keep his legs without having them cut off.
I'm having really hard times finding canadian women soccer things for Sarah. Really gets on my nerves that it isn't easier to find canadian female stuff because it is so huge for her.
Mary has gradually been getting worse and worse over time and just so out of control I feel like I am going to totally loose myself.
DJ is doing really well his marks came up so well in school and he is just doing really good. He is grounded for two weeks cause he has pushed boundries a couple times but for the most part he is doing really well.
Has anyone heard about the Jesus Letters? I am really curious about them. I only caught the tail end about them on dateline which is one of my can't miss shows.
LOL Mary is ewwwwwwing right now Sarah has been bugging for a fish and I got Sarah a grow a fish so she couldn't get on my nerves anymore and she can't kill it. OMG I am gonna go crazy. I miss the peace and quiet in this house.
Oh last week asshole Chris told Phil he looked forward to seeing Phil at karate and then called him and told him Sarah and him could no longer train under him. When Phil tried to call him he went on like an ass. Last night he agreed to let them come back. I personally think Phil deserves better and that Chris is a pompous ass. He deserves nothing but shit and I despise him.
Grrrrrrr I don't know how people deal with the hell like I am dealing with at this minute. If you could hear this kid, grrrrrrrr!!!!
I am not usually into watching extreme makeover but have really liked this show extreme makeover after the storm. I have always always always wanted to go to new orleans. Maybe one day :( So far one of my favorite people were Big Momma.
So Phil and I are doing ok, I am just ticked about the whole Chris thing. Right now he is collected a bunch of micor and mini transformers and there is alot of them. He posted alot of his transformer pics on his multiply page. http://phillovesangela.multiply.com
I did get some transformers for him for easter. Mary wants Phat Farm shoes I told her to talk to her dad. Speaking of Michael he has been great he's already getting her signed up for stuff for when she gets to Chilliwack. He has her all pumped up for moving there. I am pretty happy about the whole transition right now. I mean he does piss me off but with Mary lately he has been really great. He can't take her cat but we talked to her about it cause my therapist told me too and she actually took it it ok. So I am glad I took her adivce.
Which reminds me I am on a new med so far I cannot take respiridal it makes me violent, I cannot take epival makes me sick so does wellbutrin, cannot take zyprexa it makes me not be able to breathe and I swell up, and Lithium I projectile vomited it took a week to get better from the effects of Lithium. So all those are going on my allergy chart so now I am on topiramate and still taking celexa and zopiclone. At first the topiramate made my head feel wierd and my body feel heavy and fingers tingly but been on it a week now and feeling slowly much better and no more tingly sensation. Apparently a side effect is loosing weight and can also help with migraines oh God I can only hope so because I suffer huge with migraines. I am still also suffering huge with my teeth they hurt so damn bad.
I saw a shirt at bootlegger I want it so bad says I been bad I need to be punished. I so love that shirt.
I went to La Senza Girl the other day holy crap they just brought in a whole bunch of soccer outfits. I so wish I had the money to buy them all. We went finally to soccer world even they had no real abundance of female soccer stuff.
Oh Michael's parents payed for Sarah to go to bible camp in the summer so that will be fun and she is enrolled for one of the soccer camps and hope to get her in another one, crossing fingers. Soccer is hella way more expensive than I ever thought it would be.
I made chicken tonight with the new shake N Bake in the shakeable container which you pay more for. Is not like the packaged stuff at all. If they are out there they should put the stuff in the package in the shakable container and a cajun one would be awesome. My kids love cajun. Sometimes I just sprinkle cajun seasoning on chicken breasts other times I lighten some chicken fillets in a pan and then prinkles tons of cajun seasoning in the pan with it and cook till lightly brown and serve with lipton nooldes and sauce herb and butter or lipton noodles and sauce and corn kids love it and Michael taught me that.
Did people know there is actually blog awards? OMG I almost died when I heard that. Apparently one of the most popular is one called Girl with a one tracked mind http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/. Well Duh I am right there with her. I think my meds make me less like that than I used to be. Another blog that keeps coming up is the monk blog http://www.mellowmonk.com/
Apparently this site Overheard on the street has become a hugely visited site. I don't know I think it is okay but definetly not one of my favorites you could check it out and see how you feel about it: http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
I think this site is very cool, you can send in your secret on a postcard and it is posted. I mean if you really need to get something of your chest this rocks http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
Anyhow one more site I wish we had for canada but I only know for the usa is http://www.unclaimed.org it is a site where you can look to see for free if you might have money somewhere that is rightfully yours. It was on dateline one night apparently millions of americans have money out there and it is unclaimed. Why not take the few minutes to see if you might have money out there.
Oh a site I recently got stuck on but now am in love with and am on as LadyIllusions is http://www.frappr.com I love it and has some cool people on. If you know any cool places or anything to do with bipolar, osteoarthritis or soccer or canadians post it on my blogs. Chat later
Holy crap we are watching American Inventor and Angela MacCray is on way too close to my name . I have to say if anyone is watching this show my vote is for the lady who made the edible snowglobes. This Angela person SUCKS! Human centerpiece I don't think so. I would buy up tons of the edible snowglobes though for anyone and everyone. Would love to see lambs and soccer and transformers:) Ok laterz....

Alot of Thoughts

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Pictures pertaining to the first bit of this entry are above or should be :)Well I have always hid this fact as much as possible from people but it seems it is getting worse and I feel really alone. I was sitting here trying to find a personal site someone may have made to talk about it but couldn't find one. So at the lack of that I will share this with others and hope if your out there like me you realize your not alone. I have Obsession Compulsion Disorder, not one where I wash till I bleed, or check locks, or have to have things in numbers or in categories ect. These are things you hear about usually when you hear of OCD. But what I suffer from and I know others in my family suffer from but don't talk about is Obsessive, compulsive skin picking. I used to hide it. But in the last couple of years I guess it's gotten so bad I can't hide it. I would love to stop, and I hate that I do it but it's like I can't stop. My arms are scarred and my legs are getting there. I been lucky most scars on my face have healed. It is shameful and scary to talk about because I don't think we still know all that much about it. I used to have such beautiful skin, now it is nice but scarred. I do seem to have a reaction in the summer to the sun and then that just gives me reason to pick and pick and pick. I even do it in my sleep. Lukily for me Phil has stood through me on it. I know it has to be hard for him sometimes and I love him for being there for me. I have psorisis on my head so it's easy to get at as well. Phil is lucky he has psorisis but I got him to see a great dermatologist in town and now he gets UV treatment and you would never be able to tell he has it. I have done alot to make him feel better about himself and he knows that. I know he has stood by me too but the most he can do really is catch me and yeah he does and he takes me to my counsellor appointments. Not every guy would do that. I mean it's bad enough I was diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and I used to take epival but after my RNY I was getting sick and so FINALLY they took me off of it. Wellbutrin also makes me sick. I can however take celexa but not alone or it makes me more manic. So as many on here know I was put on Zyprexa surprise surprise I cannot be on it, it makes my arms and hands swell and my heart pound and I can't breathe. I had to use my salbutamol to breathe again. So they took me off of it. I so hate when your trying to get meds to work. All I want is the noises to quiet down. It's the noise that gets me adjitated. Anyhow I see my counsellor again tomorrow and we'll see what happens now. My psychitrist was thinking of putting me on lithium so we will see. I really wish I could get some ativan too to help with my panic attacks. I have used it in the past although it doesn't calm me down as much as it does other people. Valium has worked good though. Zopiclone for the most part is the only sleeping med I have had that knocks me out, but I try not to take it unless an adult is here cause if I get up I have no idea what I am doing and retain no memory from about 10mins after I take it until the next morning. But I wake up rested which is soooooooooooooo nice. I have really bad insomnia and they said I also have wrestless leg syndrome which is crazy when you try to sleep and it feels like something is crawling in your legs and it's just unsettling.Anyhow Mary is making cake. She makes hella good cake yummy. DJ is on the phone he should just glue the thing to his ear. I made chicken strips, fries and corn for dinner and then no one really ate. Pretty much just Mary did.Sarah and Phil are both sick. Phil more than Sarah he is super congested so I picked him up some advil cold and sinus. You know I actually have a gag reflex when people blow their nose. I would rather hear them get sick. Phil has been sneezing like he has flower bushes up his nose.Why do men when they get older grow those long unattrative nose hairs? I agree with Phil gentics sucks. I don't believe that our God is an unjust God. I just wish I understood why God said he made us all equal when it is plain to see it's just not true. Phil has hair thinning, and body hair bothers him and he is only 5'4". Me I have struggled with weight my whole life, have had depression all of my life and now I suffer with osteoarthrtis of the upper lumbar spine. Which in the last few days is hurting so bad it made me cry. I wish I could glue a heating pad on my back. Kills me to even be on here for any length of time. I also have asthma and to top it off I am anemic. So tell me how does that make me equal to someone who is a beauty pageant queen, wish the perfect hair and the perfect teeth and the perfect personality? How do you convince someone that God is just and not someone who played a cruel joke on some of us? I am not deeply religious but to an extent I still have my beliefs. I was brought up in the united church, and my mother is catholic so I do have alot of those teachings ingrained in me. I do have some beliefs that my church would look down upon though like the candle magick and tarot and astrology beliefs. I obviously had kids so didn't stay a virgin till I would be married. It is a hard place to be in. I have had my faith be pushed to the brink. When God took my best friends mother and father away, people who were like surrogate parents to me I hated God. I still miss mom(Linda) so much everyday. She was everything to me. Then to take away my brothers wife and then my neiece a month before I was to see her, and only ever got to see her the day she was buried. Why why did God take her? She was new and she was everything to us all. Where is the answers to heartfelt questions like this, because I don't know what to tell people who confront me on issues like that. All I can say is I don't have the answers I guess we'll get them when we go home one day ya know?I went shopping the other day, DJ is not fun to shop with. He was so bored and just wanted to get things done. One thing I love is shopping with Mary she makes me tired she could shop all day if you let her. I got most of my easter shopping done I know it's a month till then but I would rather get it done and out of the way. I'm usually like that about christmas too.My teeth are still hurting so damn badly, really wish I had money to go in and get them all done, yeah right that will be the day :(Grr DJ and Mary were just in a vocal one uping one another. DJ won but he went low and I told him it was mean. Guys can be so cruel! Even young and old ones.LOL Mary is complaining about that pepto bismol commercial with the rappers. I think it's kinda funny and original. The commercial I hate is the one where the lady and guy open their Pepsi's on opposite sides of the street and then dance like idiots, only to end up ontop of a car where he throws her up and she disappears. WTH? Where did she go? Who made that commercial good gravy. LOl I love the candian tire commercial where they put where something is in a certain isle the lady falls through her patio chair he doesn't pay attention and the last sign goes over his head saying dog house isle... Now that commercial is funny.We went over to Phil's sisters the other night for their birthday. I actually had a good time. I didn't feel out of place and I for the most part seemed fine talking to people. But Phil said I talk too much and got mad at me. But it's not his fault he has been so tired lately and not getting any real sleep, more surface sleeping that anything and that sucks so bad for him. I tried getting him some over the counter sleeping aids but none have been working :( I've given him a massage. Anyone have any ideas on how to induce sleep? I should buy more melatonin. I was actually getting some sleep when I was taking that. Wish it were cheaper though.I really wish we had alieve here in canada. I think it would help with my back. Nothing seems to help it when it hurts this badly.Did I say Phil successfully sold the camera on ebay? He used that money to buy more transformers, and he did buy me Animal for my little collection of my favorite characters. I have piglet, pillsbury doughboy, taz, gizmo, elmo and now getting animal whew hoo :) He didn't like being away from his transformers so he brought a bunch here from Cheri's. I went and finally met her. She had some really adorable newborn kittens. Makes ya want another kitten :)Oh I saw a news thing the other day about this one site where women can rant and rave and let other women know about some of the looser guys out there. Check it out: http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com and there is apparently another site going to go up of course had to have seen that coming called http://www.dontdateherman.comSo it looks like Phil and I won't be going to Aerosmith. He is selling the tickets and putting it back on his credit card. I am a little disappointed but money is what he needs right now so it's just not the right time to go for a trip like that right now. We did get a new printer it became a necessity because the kids need it for homeowrk and resumes for DJ and Phil. It's just the lowest priced one but at least it's a printer right?Still wishing there was another company other than shaw here that did cable. I think cable is gotten too high. I do like calling canada and the usa for free though. Oh the twins Bday cake I purchesed myself so when we had left the kitchen and I went back to take a picture I was ready to cry. One of the kids friends stuck their finger in the cake. Omg I was ready to scream. I called where we bought it from and they tried to fix it up a little. I was so super choked though. I mean who does that? I bought the cake and his brothers gifts and he bought his sisters gift. I think everyone should have a cake for their bday no matter what. But that is the kid in me I suppose. Anyhow I am getting tired so off for now....

I Hate Ex's

How much does it hurt when the father of your children will do everything he can for someone else's children and not for his own. Mary has gone to see her dad and already he is making her feel like he doesn't want to take her on. He does everything he can for his gf's kids and to help her but for his own kids he wants to just lay back and be a dad when it suits him? Where the hell is the grown up logic in all of that? Do his kids mean so damn little to him? To find out too he has no issue with someone drinking and driving, is he that stupid? I really thought he had grown up and changed, yet it appears he really hasn't changed all that much. Ya know I could careless if he hates me but his kids deserve alot more. My heart is so ripped apart right now.Phil wants to rip Michael apart. He hates how horrible a father Michael is to his kids. I would say it is a damn good thing we do not live in the same town as Michael because Phil has had enough of Michael and I know Phil he would not just sit there and take it. One thing Phil is is protective of these kids. He has been more of a father to these kids than Michael has ever been. Why is it so hard for Michael to be a dad? God he wanted kids so damn bad and talks about having more yet he can't take care of the ones he has. Not to mention Cutis is probably his son and never has he acknowledged that to anyone but me and that is because it slipped the one and only one time. Even Curtis's grandmother er would have been grandmother if it had been her sons son not Michaels will not acknowledge him because she believes he is Michael's. I mean he looks like my girls and Michael and nothing like the supposed dad. I am sorry but in cases like that they deserve castration and he has been told that by people close to him too.Like buddy your almost 34 it is damn time you grew up and bore some responsability. They are not just dollar amounts they are living breathing human beings that you created. Sometimes when I have spoke to him he seems so much like he has grown up and changed. I know he has it in him to be a great dad. He just need to believe it himself. Getting mad at your GF because her kids want to come home is bullcrap too. They are our kids Michael grow up!!!Anyhow, I have heard from Doug too he is super wonderful though. Saying he has backed off because he knows Phil and I are trying to work things out and understands the way things have to be. Phil has said he doesn't want to come between Doug's and my friendship. He used to feel differently but I think I have proven to him that he is who is on the frontlines for me by not seeing Doug in a very long time. Doug's work has and will always come first so that was why I left him for Phil. When I first got with Phil though I was so confused and my heart ached over letting Doug go and I made mistakes. I was lucky Phil forgave me and saw strength in our love and I have been completely faithful to him. I was so hurt when I caught Phil in his mistake but I knew I had to forgive him he forgave me. Thing is I had a lot harder time letting it go then he did for some reason. Still at times have difficulty with trust issues but we have agreed to let the past be the past and to build on what we have today.Poor Phil has been feeling a little ill and moody lately. But we used to fight like cats and dogs when he got that way and now I just have learned to let him rant and rave until he calms down. I don't engage in it anymore. Which helps him cool down alot faster and now both of us bicker over who is more sorry lol. I guess we do still have our moments and I do kinda cower still if he yells but he is making more of an effort not to yell and I am trying to help him feel more confident in getting out when he is agitated or restless. He gets restless alot. I also try hard to keep anything I need to talk about in my hat until he gets home because if I call when he isn't here he sees it as my not wanting him going out. So I really try to do something else or call a friend and get it out that way till he does come home. One thing the counsellors have said though is I need to get out, I need to make new friends and I can't keep holed up in my home like I have been. I say that's hard for me to do. They say I make it hard. I just feel safer and more secure at home. I am not sure what changed over last few years but my trust for anyone flew out the window. I think what finally had me snap was one day when I took my zopiclone because I had fought with Phil and just wanted to sleep things off a friend made some calls and I ended up in hospital on accusations I had tried to commit suicide. It wasn't that way at all. I had just taken 1 pill and those pills make me really out of it and I never have any memory of anything that happens on them (yes my psychiatrist knows this, thus why I make sure an adult is present when I take them). The hospital did tests and said to me yes you were brought in for overdose but we realized you didn't OD and I was released later on. Phil and I almost split that day. Since then I hardly go out, I shut people out of my life and I stick to myself. I figured if I kept to myself no one could hurt me and my trust could not be broken because obviously you can't trust anyone!!!I haven't used Zopiclone for awhile now last time I did the reaction seemed to be gone I actually was awake throughout the night. The use of them I guess dwindled in it's good results. Apparently you can become immune. Which sucked cause we had tried alot of meds and those were the only ones that produced a sound sleep and easily and brightly awake the next day. So far the Zyprexa has not made me feel sick or anything and I am feeling a little less depressed. Not as good as I would like but better. So I have confidence in the results they could produce. They did advise me they could cause weight gain which freaks me out. The carb cravings came before taking them so no that is not a result of them. I have had those cravings for weeks and not a craving I am used to :( I am also on celexa but never had any issue with that. My mom is on Risperidone I was on that but it made me violent the longer I was on it. She is also on wellbutrin which made me feel violently ill, my counsellor told me one person actually became violent on the wellbutrin. My mom seems ok on it though. The Epival at first I had no side effects although I think it made me gain weight but eventually after gastric bypass I became super ill everytime I took it. So now we're trying this Zyprexa stuff. They are also considering Lithium but we'll see. I have realized on my meds I don't get "feelings of events to come" anymore and I hate that. I was always right and now that shuts that part of me down. Totally sucks. I also know off meds I am more sexually hungry then on them. I am calmed down alot more on meds. Wierd? Oh before I forget I want to share this site:Angela has invited you to join her private movie community on Flixster. Flixster is a free service that lets you see at a glance which movies your friends liked, didn't like or want to see.Click here to join Angela's community and see all her reviews:http://www.flixster.com/servlet/invite/6773521jiatrumqxqAB039999I am LadyIllusions on there:)Someone sent me this horoscope thing wow does it ever fit Phil and I. Here is his:Virgo August 24 to September 23 Short SummaryVirgo's are one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac. People think they're fussy, critical bad tempered and picky but that's only because they want everything to be perfect. This is the sign of cleanliness, although lots of Virgo's have the grottiest bedrooms and hang their clothes on the floor. They're extremely inquisitive and have a dreadful time trying to relax. Virgo's make fantastic friends. If a minor crises pops up you can be sure the Virgo will have everything under control in 30 seconds. They are always on the move because they like to learn as much as they can before they take off again. They excel at work so they probably get all the boring jobs (the ones Leo wouldn't be seen dead doing). Here is mine:Scorpio October 23 to November 23Short SummaryScorpios make everyone go weak at the knees they are so utterly gorgeous. They have a brain sharper than a computer and no challenge is too difficult. They are very interesting, friendly and helpful. If you don't do something mean to a Scorpio they will be your friend for life. They have total control of everything and everyone. They are extremely jealous and will plan for weeks how to get their revenge. They make the best detectives, doctors and lawyers as nothing escapes their notice.Phil does not believe in astrology it definetly has been a point of argument for us but I cannot help that I see so much of myself and others in their charts.Phil bought us all subway for supper, yeah no cooking. Yesterday I did laundry, made Chicken wings, mashed garlic and herb potatoes, baby peas and gravy. Mary's friend said they were the best wings ever. I was like yeah right suck up lol. Oh I noticed today I am getting an oily T-Zone never in my life have I had oily skin wth? I am not happy about that in the least. Now if anyone has an idea of what to use for that do tell. Phil has 9 parcels coming to him. Holy crap and it's all transformer stuff. I love getting parcels but I can't afford to spend like that right now. Nothing on ebay sold oh wait that's a lie the watches sold for 1.99 oh boy richness :( He was able to sell his transformer stuff on ebay but has decided he won't sell anything but that on there now. Even with that he still is waiting to be paid by 2 people. The most expensive of them all being one of them :(I did decide to do the calendar thing someone suggested on one of my blogs. I got a Canucks calendar and will try to remember to keep appointments ect on there and it is where Phil will definetly see it when he is here. By the computer :) If he is here you can usually find him there looking at TF sites. You would not believe how huge the TF fan base is. I don't look down upon his transformer hang ups anymore. Even I am more interested. Never to his degree I just can't get into it that deeply but I figure if ya can't beat em join em. I want to get the set of Beast Wars transfomers and you have to get them all because when you get them all you get this one that each has a piece of to have the whole one of him. That's one way to get people to buy something. I think it's mean though I think it is a collection of 7 or something like that. The head is with the bee Buzz something or other :). Leobreaker is one I wanted to get but we didn't and when I wanted to go back and get him he was gone:( I seem to have a huge fascination with the animal transfomers I wish there was one that was an eagle. I buy because I like the color or they look pretty:) Phil buys for different reasons lol. There is rumour there is new transfomers coming out in a set of 4 of my little pony transformers. If they do we have to buy a set of 2. One for my kid and one for Phil although he doesn't care but I said too bad lol. Oh yeah police pulled Phil over the other day I have to blog about that because I could not believe the cop tried to make him say he had been drinking. Hello Phil has never drank once in the over 2 yrs I have known him and apparently he hasn't drank for 2 yrs before that. The cop made him blow in his face twice and insisted Phil was drinking. Phil asked to do a breathalizer and so he did and blew omg yep ZERO. Big fat fricken surprise. He said apparently Phil was speeding yet did not ticket him for that, however gave him $104 ticket for not having his front license plate. WTF? Him kept him for about 20mins and made Phil late for work. I don't believe he was speeding and when Phil was in a car accident over a year ago he had asked the police about his front license plate and he told him that the back one was all he needed. This cop said that cop was wrong. Wrong really yet for over a year he had no plate there? Now he has to get new plates or find the old one. What a load of crap. To think about it actually I think that is probably why he is so agitated and moody last few days.One more thing too someone had the gull to ask Phil if he actually saw a dog the day he was in an accident recently or if he could have been hallucinating. Go to hell buddy that is just crazy making and he is damn lucky I was not there when he asked Phil that because I would have lost it. Did you ask the guy who wrapped the car around a pole to avoid a cat and is still driving his car if he was hallucinating? I highly doubt it, as far as I am concerned they can go to hell. Sorry but that just pissed me off to say the very least!!!Yeah I am a little overprotective of those I love. But I don't believe that person had any damn right to even say that!My teeth are achy so bad. I really wish I could get them worked on. Toothache pain has to be the worst. Law and Order Criminal Intent was good tonight. I only like the police officers who were on this show to begin with I don't like the new ones. They just don't work. But that's my humble opinion. Anyhow off for now said enough...

So went to couple counselling the other day and since we seem to be making great strides on our own we are gonna call him in a couple weeks see where we are at. I also saw my psychiatrist and counsellor they put me on a new men Called Zyprexa. Never heard of this one before so not really sure what to expect. They also believe I have wrestless Leg syndrome because of the way my legs feel kinda crawly alot and it keeps me awake because I can't get comfortable. Gee I feel like soon I will have something wrong with me to go with each letter of the alphabet. Mary is going to her dad's tomorrow after much debate with not just him but then my sister. Sometimes I hate her even more than I already hated her before. I cannot believe the anger she holds towards my son, if anyone can keep a grudge and blame forever it is her.Anyone hear Luna the whale died yesterday that is so very sad to me. How could they let something like that happen. They knew where he was it was going to happen, he liked people too much.Still suffering with teeth aching I wish I knew where to get dental cement then I could at least use some of that until I can afford to get a dentist. I have to mention this, what the hell is with a government who thinks it is ok to harass family members especially senior citizen family members because they are trying to track you down? Especially when they already have your address and spoke to you? How odd it is if you ask them to send you a form and they never do but expect you to keep following through on your commitment. What kind of government does that? I know Canadian Government. Boooooo!!!Phil bought himself another Transfomer yesterday to replace the one that is the same but doesn't have it's one leg working properly. I am sure lots of people would agree with me in thinking OMG who cares at least you have him. But pretty sure any TF collector would agree with him that it does matter. So I guess it's which side your looking from. I'm having alot of carb cravings lately and I hate that. I don't usually get alot of carb pangs. Lately I love pasta and toast, and of course I am still on a drinking tons of milk kick. Yuck I just accidently ate an onion I hate onions.If people who read this wonder if I jump around in real life conversations like I am on here yes I do. Apparently it's a bipolar trait. What bugs me is when I am told to slow down or am asked to repeat myself that frustrates the hell out of me. I remember my dad used to always tell me to think before I speak yet when I took the myers briggs I was ENFP I am now INFP but apparently that is how we work we speak then think. So it's how I am hard wired. I would love to think more before I speak but that is really hard. Phil and I have been having some really good talks lately. Last night he suprised me in a very pleasant way that I wasn't expecting. But was happy to be close to him. Feels sometimes like we are becoming so much closer than I ever thought we could. For the first time we are talking and both realizing when we're wrong. He does apologize more and I apologize too. There doesn't seem to be so much blaming. Yeah he does get mad at times and he can yell at times but on the whole he has become so much better. Especially with the kids. We are talking things out about the kids. I am giving him equal ground which I refused to give him before. We don't always agree. Biggest thing we have disagreed about is one day Mary put on black eyeliner and I about lost it. Was way too dark as far as I was concerned for a young teen. I made her wash it off. Phil thought I went a little overboard and didn't see it as a bad thing like I did and my mother agreed. I am sure though her dad would have agreed it was too much. But then I could be wrong. I did talk it out with Phil and we've never agreed but he did back me up on it. The kids are treating him better now too as I think they realize he has as much control now as I do. If they want anything they better shape up. I'm working on a site for Phil to display all his transfomers pics. I been taking pics of each individually as time goes along. He has about 300 though so will take some time to get them all. I am definetly camera happy. I so love taking pics and I love using my digital camera I just wish it were cheaper to get them done up as prints.My asthma is acting up hugely in the last couple weeks but I don't know why. I definetly need to go get my ventalin though cause mine is overdue to be used. I had not needed it much for awhile. I wish I had the tube thing working I lost the little plastic piece to the end. I had got that one when they tested my lungs now I need to pay for one because they are not covered. How stupid is that? Especially when it helps it get back into your lungs better.Mary now has a new boyfriend. He seems like a good kid and independant and sweet. He has really good goals for his life and at this age that is remarkable.I took pics yesterday of it snowing and today it's sunny and beautiful. They said we got a weather bomb. Wish I had had my camera last night I would have captured the lightening and the beauty of it on cam :( This weather is just crazy lately.Sarah had a sleepover last night, Tonight DJ is sleeping over at a friends and Mary is having a sleepover. It's getting where there is always kids in my house that are not mine.Phil has been gone since this morning as he went to his nieces bday party. My kids were pretty upset about not being invited. I think they were even more upset than I was and I hurt real bad about it. I am supposed to go to his mom's at easter and now I feel like I will cause tension when I go. How do you be around people that you know don't like you and don't want you to be part of their family? I have enough issues with my own family. Days like today I really miss Princess. Still have not been able to get a dog :( Casper will be leaving when Mary goes. He and her are so attached to one another. He has gotten so darned fat too holy he's almost a mojo(a cat that once visted here:) )Still two people who have not paid Phil for items they bought from him. Which is driving him bonkers. One bid on the watches he's selling. Which is like whatever 99 cents doesn't seem worth it. It looks like we won't use ebay for selling things again.Oh did you see this coolsite called http://www.favorville.com It's across the world people helping people. You can do a favor or get a favor. How cool an idea is that? And it's popularity is gaining ground fast.I have downloaded the newest google toolbar. I totally love it. I do have an issue though to get the pack it also offers you have to have windows XP as I do have it not a problem but Phil and DJ do not have XP so cannot have the pack. I think that should be changed to win 98, win 2000 and win XP. The same goes for the msn toolbar. A feature I love however same as googlebar some features are only for XP. Also I get irritated by it automatically filling in my address and phone number in anything that says address where I have accidently filled in those answers and had to go back and delete after realizing it filled that in. For the next 48 hours, we have an opportunity to really help fight global AIDS and extreme poverty. Right now, leaders in Congress are deciding how much life-saving assistance the U.S. will give to the world's poorest countries—and they need to hear from YOU!http://www.one.org/dia/organizationsONE/one/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=99Every signature counts—it means our leaders know that we believe doing even more is in America’s interests and it’s the right thing to do. Already, Americans from every state have stepped up and signed on, sending more than 108,000 letters asking Congress to support the President’s budget request and fully fund the fight against global AIDS and poverty!Let’s keep up the positive pressure: Please sign the letter today! I signed it :)I found a great site that I Enjoyed visiting because it explains someone else going through some of the same things I go through. http://www.livingmanicdepressive.comAnyhow I guess that is it for now, so am off and running, Laterz....

Been Crying Again...

Well Well got yelled at again today but I guess I deserved it. Phil's sister(not biological, adopted into the family [kind of] which is irrelevant but just informing) anyhow found out today she invited Phil to her daughters birthday but was real sure to make sure we would not be coming. *tears* I felt like a truck ran over me. She invited him for saturday which he had already said he would take Mary to meet with her dad as she is going away for the spring break. But apparently he forgot he had made that commitment. So he yelled at me and my heart just sank. He is angry because he says he feels like he always has to check with me about everywhere he goes and everything he does. I would appreciate being kept in the loop about plans he has but just because I love him and I always tell him where I am going and what I am doing. I thought that is what people did who were together but maybe I was wrong. I am just hurting so bad I just can't even express how hurt I am. But I guess it's stupid of me to feel that way. I am not his owner and he should have the freedom to come and go as he wants. I don't want him to feel like he has a ball and chain. I feel like I am just too stupid to get it right when it comes to relationships. I always screw up everything I touch. Those who read my journal and been commenting it means alot. I don't always get to answer but I do read them. He is a good guy and I was encouraging about his posting pics. My only fear is him doing more than getting rated. I get rated but nothing more & wouldn't. Only reason I do fear that is because more then rating happened with him once before but I caught it before it got into anything big. However when we first got together I was with Doug and I told Phil and now I can't remember the last time I saw Doug. Been forever ago. I don't want to hurt Phil I really don't. I been trying so hard to support him and love him and say and do all the right things. But he just keeps telling me everything I did wrong when I was doing them wrong. Now this invitation strictly forbidding me how can I not feel hurt and insecure? What the hell is wrong with me that it hurts me so damn much?I really need to grow up. Last night I couldn't sleep I had so many thoughts running through my head I felt like I was going crazy I was ancy and was moving everywhere. I kept Phil partially awake and today he said sometimes that is why he likes to be at Cheri's because I do spend alot of nights up. I was thinking well so what we will have issues like that forever you gonna run everytime? I mean all kinds of things negative come up with any relationship so what you run? That's how it works in this world?Right now I am just hurting so damn bad I want to numb out. I have always gone into numb out mode when I hurt this badly. It's a good thing I am not vengful like I used to be. Phil doesn't want me talking to her so I won't but it HURTS!!!We never went to our couple counselling last week, Phil called and cancelled it while I was sleeping. We have one this week though. I see my own counsellor tomorrow and hopefully psychiatrist. Hope to talk about starting some new meds. I wish Phil would go get checked. He has been sick for months. His dr had put him on ampicillin for a chest infection over a month ago and still he is coughing and more tired than usual. Not to mention he has had these horrible headaches on the one side of his head since I met him that feels kinda gushy on that place of his head. I want him to see a neurologist but dr I think is an idiot. So whatever!LOL I am watching Medium they were talking about Danielle books I remember buying books for my kids that they were obsessed with. Kinda like the Harry Potter Series my son really picked up reading with those books a miracle . I love this show Medium it's a pretty good show, well put together. Then I will watch CSI Miami. I love that Horachio's brother Robert is Alive I wanna see how he looks.Phil bought a bunch more transfmoers stuff on ebay: Transformer Autobots Tshirt, Transfomers 20th Anniversary Mega Lithograph/Poster, Transfomers G1 Devestator, and 2 sets of aerobots, Oh I have to get him the megatron one he asked me to find and purchase on there and he is watching Transfomers G1 Grimlock-See Dinobot, and he also got a rare signed and numbered megatron poster and rare megatron vinyl sticker. Gee which transfomer do you think is his favorite?Mary had found a huge piglet pillow and saved it in watched items but he has so much to pay for for his transfomers I deleted it.We had manwhich for supper, God been so long since we had that. I always have liked it. Although I was so upset about finding out about saturday I couldn't eat. Stupid I know. Yuck who eats PB and apples? A new love for some in this house. I find it disgusting. I do like taking a spoonful of Jiff or Kraft smooth peanut butter and putting milk chocolate chips and some shredded coconut and then yummy eating it. I used to sneak that with my mom being out lol. We were brought up in a house where we had to ask for anything and everything. I used to always sneak milk. I can never ever get enough milk. My kids are generally allowed to help themselves to things like bread, veggies, fruit, and drinks. Anyhow I vented enough sorry for being so stupid...

Feeling Cold & Fluey...

Well I been super cold for like 2 days now, cannot get warm unless I have the heating pad on my back. Also feel like I had the crap kicked out of me. Not sure maybe it is the ribs healing in the back but where I had injured and bruised my ribs in my back its been hurting so bad it hurts to move. I also have really really really sore calves and there is no explainable reason for it. It has been months since I got my iron shot I am wondering if that could be part of it. Some of the pics I have taken I deleted because my eyes are so dark in some pics because of iron levels I don't want people seeing them :( Phil has not been feeling well either last night he yelled at his tummy lol. Siad he his tummy, yes like it has any control over him lol. He was so down last night and tired he never went to karate. I bought him a couple of new transfomers just to try and bring a smile to him. I hate when he feels down.
Its so hard with him some days because he is so down on himself lately and some days he is so distant I don't know what to say or do. I mean I still ahce in my heart, I hate the way things are you know? I just wish I knew the magic combination of words and things to do because I would do it.
I made tuna casserole again the other nights went so fast its not even funny. I use whole wheat macaroni , mushroom soup, miracle whip, sweet baby peas, then I add some milk, sometimes ginger, garlic, rosemary, sage, celery seed, lemon pepper, seasoning salt, paprika if I have it to put on top, onion flakes if I have them it tastes really good and of course a few cans of tuna. Tastes so good.
My steak I made the other day I got from a guy who was online as MadRoj only I adjusted it a little bit. I use eye of round marinating steak you brown each side just slightly. Then you pour mild to medium salsa enough to cover it and sprinkle some lemon pepper ontop and cook for about an hour on low or until it is cooked. It is so tender you barely need a knife to cut it. What I like with it best is yellow boiled potatoes or mashed potatoes and corn. OMG it tastes so good my kids love it well 2 do lol and so does Phil.
Mary said Christine tried to make it and did a really bad job of it lol. I was like how do you screw up such an easy recipe? She said Christine and Roger cannot cook they mess up everything. Hmmmm I have a hard time believing that I mean c'mon now...
The thing my kids love that I make is cajun chicken which Michael taught me to make. You take strips of cut up boneless skinless chicken, you put it in a pan with a little butter and cook it just over medium and sprinkle on a bunch of cajun seasoning, I use alot and then you just keep flipping it until it is cooked all the way through. My kids really like that with Lipton Chicken noodles and sauce and cream corn. Very simple and very good.
Phil is on two rating sites for his normal pics. You can rate him there:
http://www.ratemybody.com/profile.aspx?id=MegatronPro&userID=654562 http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=AYSLSRS&key=AGV
So far our camera has no watchers and no buyers:( We may have to relist it. Sucks too one guy who ended up with the most expensive transfomer to have bought from Phil has not written him or payed him for his transfomer. Tick me off. Now Phil is looking to replace grimlock and I told him he has the dinobots its what he wanted does he really need to get another grimlock because the one he has is not in the best condition. He does this alot. I think it makes more sense to go for the ones you don't have at all get replacements for the others later. I do agree he should get theblue grimlock as he doesn't have that one.
You know when I met Phil I told him I could not have any more kids. I was very strong in telling him because I did tell him I did not want him in 2 yrs coming to me angry and wanting to leave because I could not have his kids. At that time I borught it up alot because I really needed him to be sure. But now suddenly it is an issue he doesn't know he can deal with and what hurts is there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Nothing at all. Part of me wishes he would just go out and have a kid with someone, anyone and still be together. That is so wrong for me to think that. I know it would hurt me too, I just feel so confused when it comes to it. I mean my kids love Phil and he is so good to them especially my youngest. But their not his and I do understand that. I wish they were because they have an ass for a dad!!! He has put more money and time into these kids than Michael has ever done. He also doesn't complain about it and Michael complains every step of the way. All he thinks about I swear is that his kids are money he has to pay and nothing else. Yet he complains about his GF and her ex with his kids. Talk about a hypocrite.
Oh we also got the luke skywalker transformer, apparently there is 4 or 5 more coming out. Hasbro really is gonna make a killing on them ya know. Transfomer collectors and Star Wars collectors are pretty serious collectors. I wish I could have the M&M star wars guys they are so cool. I also want alot fo Piglet things but I don't buy them. I don't need them though I guess.
Oh we looked at the shaw bill today. I am so sick of shaw I swear to good they have screwed up big time. I am so tired of their crap. We have struggled with our internet for a couple weeks now always have it shutting down on us. Have had some issues with the phone. I mean there has to be better than this for cable. Anyone know better people to deal with for TV, internet and phone? I do like I can call anywhere in canada or the usa anytime for free and Mary loves 3 way calling but I took her off of it there is no need for it. As it is Phil gets frustrated the kid lives on the phone for hours.
I did find a couple more things to sell on ebay. I have a collectable winnie the pooh cookie tin and I have a collectable tucan sam outdoor camera. I also have a few watches.
DJ is having a sleepover AGAIN, so is Sarah. Mary is gone to a friends for the night. Am I fricken crazy?
Phil's sister and brother(twins-my age) birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. So we're gonna pick them up a cake and go see them that friday. We're hoping to get his sister a book for the place she is going away to and for his brother a canuck collectable. I ordered the cake already so at least that is done.
Mary had a party she went to on friday I bought her friend a keychain I think it said U Go Girl and a crystal that lights up. Sarah has a party tomorrow and I got her friend diva bath stuff. Everytime I turn around it seems to be someones bday.
I found another lamb for Mary it baaaaas too cute. Why is it so hard to find lambs and sheep? The dolphins are easy to find.
I was on ebay looking for a signed anything from David Beckham the soccer player. I cannot believe how hard it is to get his stuff from canada and even the usa. Looks like its easier to get things from yugoslavia and UK and even hong kong seems to be only place I can see a David Beckham bobblehead:( I did find autographed posters but what I would really love is a signed card any card but couldn't see anything like that in canada or the usa on there. Frustrating. Would be even more awesome to get a signed shirt.
Anyhow my fricken back is hurting so bad I need to go. I am off for now. Laterz....

Life Is Going...

Well I had dinner with Phil and his parents. I made steak and mashed potatoes, corn and bread. Also made salad and Mary made chocolate cake. It went fairly well. One thing that kinda of upset me is his mother had said when we talked"that's why we thought maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to be together right now because you both have alot of backage, with time maybe it could work..." That is the one sentence that went on over and over and over in my head. I shouldn't be surprised Phil has told me his family has thought we shouldn't be together and I know my family did like him until I sent Mary to live with my brother. Yeah both of us have had alot of crap happen to us and it has triggered some things with us at times, but I also think going through stuff has helped us understand one another more. Well it has since I stopped using my anger towards him and started to deal with my stuff the way I should have dealt with it to begin with. Counselling individually has done us both a world of good. I love Phil so much and I want to be there for him while he finally deals with things he has tried so long to forget. I am so relieved the other night he got into a car accident. A dog came out onto the road and startled him and he broke two tires of the work vehicle. So they took him off mobile. I was choked because he did not deserve that decision by his work. They had another guy wrap a car around a pole to avoid a cat and he is still driving. So what the hell is that?
Anyhow dinner went well. We played cards after and then his mom was tired so they didn't stay too too long. I explained to them how I had never had anyones family over to my place for dinner before and that my family keeps away from one another because everyone hates everyone and lives to make one anothers lives a living hell. Phils mother said that was really sad. It is sad but everyone knows it. After 10 yrs a friend who found me first question to me was "no offense but is your mother still a bitch?". What does that tell you?
Anyhow Mary is having some problems with friends. One friend who i refuse to let her hang around with because she is bad to the core and her parents have no control over her and even the teachers and community people I talked to say she is violent and out of control. Anyhow she is trying to cause problems for Mary and I want to help her but she told me to stay out of it she has to deal with it. It kills me because I am unsure what a parent should and shouldn't do when it comes to kids and their friendships. All I know I can do is do all I can to keep her from the problem ones.
I shaved Phil again today, completely shaved him. He is so cute he was very trusting and when I asked if he was nervous he said if he tensed up that would just be when I cut him. So I did shave him but he said if I cut him I would never shave him again:) I like shaving him now I used to try to avoid it because his hair never really bothered me but I see how happy it makes him so I guess I will do it now and do it regularly. I do admit after using his shaver as compared to mine like I did before much cleaner shave wow. I wanna get a mach 3 now. After we took pics of him, allllll of him:) He is so sexy fine. He is not body shy at all however he yelled when he thought his pics showed him being fat and arms alot smaller than they used to be. Why can't he just love himself for who he is? He is gorgeous and sexy and I adore every part of him. I just wish he could.
My ex wrote me a nsty email today he is late in paying child support and he got real nasty about it. He thinks other people can help out if I need it. He always gets everything he wants and needs from mommy and daddy and so he thinks the world should work that way. I hate asking anyone for anything. It kills me to ask for anything. I am a mother and an adult and I should not have to depend on anyone but myself. I have screwed up enough in my life I don't need to drag others into it ya know? After Michael's nasty message which was by the way a response to my email I had sent him suggesting something that might simplfy things for both of us which is varying the order but he doesn't want to do that because he gets taxes for the order in place now. Anyhow his response was nasty so I wrote this back:
"nice message Michael. You don't have to be rude. Why is it your nicer when your single? I am thinking of our kids and the things coming up for them and it is not anyone elses responsability to be responsible for them but you and me. I am not going to fight with you. I have done enough fighting in my life. I was not trying to be mean I was suggesting something that might make it easier for you. So chill out"
I so wish I had never had kids with him. He and I only ever stayed together because sex was so fantastic. Nothing else worked for us. Yeah we can talk always have been able to until he is in a relationship then it's like he has to hate me for their sake. *tears* I thought he was so hot his long blonde hair, his big blue eyes, at first he treated me like a princess ya know. he was so romantic, but then he hit me and hit me and hit me. I did begin to push him just so the cycle would end and then it would restart. The cycle gets shorter. Everyone tried to get me out, they stood by me and told me to get out but I stopped talking to everyone and I hated them for hating him. He was the father of my girls. In the beginning he would promise never to do it again, buy me roses and cards. Eventully he would tell me I made him do it. He drove me crazy and I figured I had to be doing it because he was so different with everyone else. I was thankful when a few people heard it and saw it and I had witnesses because he always denied it. At the time the police tried to make me charge him but I couldn't do it. Now women have no choice charges are laid and that is a good thing. I was no angel, I did go after him I did call when he left at his parents place I did pull the keys out of the egnition when he was driving, I did alot I was no angel. I think I hope we have changed since then and at times we talk so well still. But other times we love to ahte one another and I wish that we had not had kids together. I wish I had not got fixed wish I had not had a hysterectomy wish I could have had Phils child. I really really wish I could give him thast and it hurts so bad I know he wants that and he has gotten mad I had a hysterectomy I wish I could change it so much, it hurts real bad.
Anyhow enough of Michael. Did people hear today that cadbury recalled their easter cream eggs apparently something to do with plastic being in some of them. Was on CH NEWS tonight. I was like noooooooooooo I always have to have one this time of year. I used to eat alot but they hurt my pouch now:(The Canadian Food Inspection Agency was on it. So sucks :(
Does anyone have kids in their house that makes their toilet and sinks always clog up? My toilet is forever clogged and if anyone has any ideas how to allieviate that I will fricken love you FOREVER!
Oh if anyone is wondering about Doug I am pretty sure I won't be hearing from him again. I partly expected a mean email from him as I wrote him and pretty much told him I love Phil and that he deserves someone to love and give him what I don't. Also told him we have not seen one another in so long I am sure he already is but hope he won't hate me. I did tell him I love him and always will but Phil and I are trying to work things out and I do love Phil and am going to counselling with him so... Pretty sure Doug will just dismiss me not that that changes anything I can't even remember last time I saw him anyhow. I wish him the best. Hard loosing a best friend though. He was always someone I could tell anything to and I can't do that with most.
Having alot of problems with shaw lately, notice alot of emails are not going through to other shaw accounts too so not sure what is going on. Kids are annoyed cause it shuts down constantly:( Has anyone ever noticed with the canadian government that when you owe them money they are so quick to go after it but if they owe you they drag butt?
I got laundry sitting here saying Angela fold me NOW, grrrrr I hate laundry and why do my kids need to use so many towels in such a short period of time?
I am listening to the 80's on channel 421 right now. Gotta love the digital music huh? I have to say a reader of mine wrote me a response to my last post that made me cry. My emotions are kinda all over the place right now. I cried in front of Phil too which was stupid but I do want to respond to it here it is:
Their reply was: "I wish sometimes I could turn into a transformer he spends so much time with those things they are everything to him."-and you aren't? I've been reading your posts and getting to know you a little bit.You talk a lot about cooking/cleaning/chores how about telling me something about who you are outside of a mom/wife.What do you do for fun?Do you have any hobbies?What sort of aspirations (if any) do you have for yourself?On your intrest list you put bdsm,are you a domme or sub or switch?Here is something I tagged for you :
OMG it is gorgeous the pic she sent me I so love it. Thanks DD. in response: No I am not a transformer although some days I really wish I could be wouldn't that be great? For fun not sure I guess I do web surfing, blogging, research, LOVE TO SING (better singing country), listening to music, am thinking of getting back into dancing maybe trying out pole dancing. I can't remember last time I went out with friends. LOL Friends what's that? Thinks last time I saw friends was my friend Doreens christmas party and seeing my best friend Sherri for christmas. My hobbies are research, blogging, I used to do websites for me and the people around me. I do plan to make a transformer one for Phil. I have a strong interest in criminology and sociology so I look at those alot and astrology. I like to take pics alot of PIS:) Aspirations what are those? I wish I could do research or work with criminologists or sociologists from home. I am a domme bottom :) Don't get to practise as it's not something Phil has any interest in :( Thanks so much for the tag I so love it, hope that answers your questions
Oh Total Eclipse of the heart is playing I so love this song:) Love the video too.
Made tuna casserole tonight. Kids complained about it:( I can't remember I made it. I am thinking of maybe having a dinner party one day soon. Invite people over and make a night of it. That is one thing Michael and I did alot was have parties I miss that. Phil's friends seem so perfect though ya know I am so scared I will say or do the wrong thing.
I have to ask would anyone wonder if your seeming to work things out and getting closer and they told you things were going great and what your doing is making a difference and they do love you. Would you question why they make such a big deal about pictures together but not singly? Or would that just be being paranoid? Would it be stupid to feel like crying about it?
We did put our newest camera up for sale on ebay. So far no bids but has 3 days. I had found a cameo I like but she doesn't sell through pay pal. I so want a real gold small black and white cameo I found one close to that and I couldn't get it. I stupidly wanted to cry. I guess I shouldn't get so hung up on something so stupid huh?
We did finally get Phil his dinobot swoop for his transformer collection. He payed a hella lot for it though. But I know how bad he wanted it. Glad he will have it now. He has been watching different ones over weeks and months. So money he made selling his covrered this one pretty much. I guess that is it for now, been babbling long enough oh wait one more thing.
Anyone heard of pingoat? Hmmmm not sure what to think of this place considering they seem to unreasonably and for questionable reasons blacklist people. Would love to know what they base it on. But whatever....
Phil and I also recently joined a new site our urls are http://phillovesangela.multiply.com and mine is http://ladyillusions.multiply.com
Sucks Phil is gone to Cheri's tonight :( but at least we made love this morning:) I guess that will hold me off :)