I Hate Ex's

How much does it hurt when the father of your children will do everything he can for someone else's children and not for his own. Mary has gone to see her dad and already he is making her feel like he doesn't want to take her on. He does everything he can for his gf's kids and to help her but for his own kids he wants to just lay back and be a dad when it suits him? Where the hell is the grown up logic in all of that? Do his kids mean so damn little to him? To find out too he has no issue with someone drinking and driving, is he that stupid? I really thought he had grown up and changed, yet it appears he really hasn't changed all that much. Ya know I could careless if he hates me but his kids deserve alot more. My heart is so ripped apart right now.Phil wants to rip Michael apart. He hates how horrible a father Michael is to his kids. I would say it is a damn good thing we do not live in the same town as Michael because Phil has had enough of Michael and I know Phil he would not just sit there and take it. One thing Phil is is protective of these kids. He has been more of a father to these kids than Michael has ever been. Why is it so hard for Michael to be a dad? God he wanted kids so damn bad and talks about having more yet he can't take care of the ones he has. Not to mention Cutis is probably his son and never has he acknowledged that to anyone but me and that is because it slipped the one and only one time. Even Curtis's grandmother er would have been grandmother if it had been her sons son not Michaels will not acknowledge him because she believes he is Michael's. I mean he looks like my girls and Michael and nothing like the supposed dad. I am sorry but in cases like that they deserve castration and he has been told that by people close to him too.Like buddy your almost 34 it is damn time you grew up and bore some responsability. They are not just dollar amounts they are living breathing human beings that you created. Sometimes when I have spoke to him he seems so much like he has grown up and changed. I know he has it in him to be a great dad. He just need to believe it himself. Getting mad at your GF because her kids want to come home is bullcrap too. They are our kids Michael grow up!!!Anyhow, I have heard from Doug too he is super wonderful though. Saying he has backed off because he knows Phil and I are trying to work things out and understands the way things have to be. Phil has said he doesn't want to come between Doug's and my friendship. He used to feel differently but I think I have proven to him that he is who is on the frontlines for me by not seeing Doug in a very long time. Doug's work has and will always come first so that was why I left him for Phil. When I first got with Phil though I was so confused and my heart ached over letting Doug go and I made mistakes. I was lucky Phil forgave me and saw strength in our love and I have been completely faithful to him. I was so hurt when I caught Phil in his mistake but I knew I had to forgive him he forgave me. Thing is I had a lot harder time letting it go then he did for some reason. Still at times have difficulty with trust issues but we have agreed to let the past be the past and to build on what we have today.Poor Phil has been feeling a little ill and moody lately. But we used to fight like cats and dogs when he got that way and now I just have learned to let him rant and rave until he calms down. I don't engage in it anymore. Which helps him cool down alot faster and now both of us bicker over who is more sorry lol. I guess we do still have our moments and I do kinda cower still if he yells but he is making more of an effort not to yell and I am trying to help him feel more confident in getting out when he is agitated or restless. He gets restless alot. I also try hard to keep anything I need to talk about in my hat until he gets home because if I call when he isn't here he sees it as my not wanting him going out. So I really try to do something else or call a friend and get it out that way till he does come home. One thing the counsellors have said though is I need to get out, I need to make new friends and I can't keep holed up in my home like I have been. I say that's hard for me to do. They say I make it hard. I just feel safer and more secure at home. I am not sure what changed over last few years but my trust for anyone flew out the window. I think what finally had me snap was one day when I took my zopiclone because I had fought with Phil and just wanted to sleep things off a friend made some calls and I ended up in hospital on accusations I had tried to commit suicide. It wasn't that way at all. I had just taken 1 pill and those pills make me really out of it and I never have any memory of anything that happens on them (yes my psychiatrist knows this, thus why I make sure an adult is present when I take them). The hospital did tests and said to me yes you were brought in for overdose but we realized you didn't OD and I was released later on. Phil and I almost split that day. Since then I hardly go out, I shut people out of my life and I stick to myself. I figured if I kept to myself no one could hurt me and my trust could not be broken because obviously you can't trust anyone!!!I haven't used Zopiclone for awhile now last time I did the reaction seemed to be gone I actually was awake throughout the night. The use of them I guess dwindled in it's good results. Apparently you can become immune. Which sucked cause we had tried alot of meds and those were the only ones that produced a sound sleep and easily and brightly awake the next day. So far the Zyprexa has not made me feel sick or anything and I am feeling a little less depressed. Not as good as I would like but better. So I have confidence in the results they could produce. They did advise me they could cause weight gain which freaks me out. The carb cravings came before taking them so no that is not a result of them. I have had those cravings for weeks and not a craving I am used to :( I am also on celexa but never had any issue with that. My mom is on Risperidone I was on that but it made me violent the longer I was on it. She is also on wellbutrin which made me feel violently ill, my counsellor told me one person actually became violent on the wellbutrin. My mom seems ok on it though. The Epival at first I had no side effects although I think it made me gain weight but eventually after gastric bypass I became super ill everytime I took it. So now we're trying this Zyprexa stuff. They are also considering Lithium but we'll see. I have realized on my meds I don't get "feelings of events to come" anymore and I hate that. I was always right and now that shuts that part of me down. Totally sucks. I also know off meds I am more sexually hungry then on them. I am calmed down alot more on meds. Wierd? Oh before I forget I want to share this site:Angela has invited you to join her private movie community on Flixster. Flixster is a free service that lets you see at a glance which movies your friends liked, didn't like or want to see.Click here to join Angela's community and see all her reviews:http://www.flixster.com/servlet/invite/6773521jiatrumqxqAB039999I am LadyIllusions on there:)Someone sent me this horoscope thing wow does it ever fit Phil and I. Here is his:Virgo August 24 to September 23 Short SummaryVirgo's are one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac. People think they're fussy, critical bad tempered and picky but that's only because they want everything to be perfect. This is the sign of cleanliness, although lots of Virgo's have the grottiest bedrooms and hang their clothes on the floor. They're extremely inquisitive and have a dreadful time trying to relax. Virgo's make fantastic friends. If a minor crises pops up you can be sure the Virgo will have everything under control in 30 seconds. They are always on the move because they like to learn as much as they can before they take off again. They excel at work so they probably get all the boring jobs (the ones Leo wouldn't be seen dead doing). Here is mine:Scorpio October 23 to November 23Short SummaryScorpios make everyone go weak at the knees they are so utterly gorgeous. They have a brain sharper than a computer and no challenge is too difficult. They are very interesting, friendly and helpful. If you don't do something mean to a Scorpio they will be your friend for life. They have total control of everything and everyone. They are extremely jealous and will plan for weeks how to get their revenge. They make the best detectives, doctors and lawyers as nothing escapes their notice.Phil does not believe in astrology it definetly has been a point of argument for us but I cannot help that I see so much of myself and others in their charts.Phil bought us all subway for supper, yeah no cooking. Yesterday I did laundry, made Chicken wings, mashed garlic and herb potatoes, baby peas and gravy. Mary's friend said they were the best wings ever. I was like yeah right suck up lol. Oh I noticed today I am getting an oily T-Zone never in my life have I had oily skin wth? I am not happy about that in the least. Now if anyone has an idea of what to use for that do tell. Phil has 9 parcels coming to him. Holy crap and it's all transformer stuff. I love getting parcels but I can't afford to spend like that right now. Nothing on ebay sold oh wait that's a lie the watches sold for 1.99 oh boy richness :( He was able to sell his transformer stuff on ebay but has decided he won't sell anything but that on there now. Even with that he still is waiting to be paid by 2 people. The most expensive of them all being one of them :(I did decide to do the calendar thing someone suggested on one of my blogs. I got a Canucks calendar and will try to remember to keep appointments ect on there and it is where Phil will definetly see it when he is here. By the computer :) If he is here you can usually find him there looking at TF sites. You would not believe how huge the TF fan base is. I don't look down upon his transformer hang ups anymore. Even I am more interested. Never to his degree I just can't get into it that deeply but I figure if ya can't beat em join em. I want to get the set of Beast Wars transfomers and you have to get them all because when you get them all you get this one that each has a piece of to have the whole one of him. That's one way to get people to buy something. I think it's mean though I think it is a collection of 7 or something like that. The head is with the bee Buzz something or other :). Leobreaker is one I wanted to get but we didn't and when I wanted to go back and get him he was gone:( I seem to have a huge fascination with the animal transfomers I wish there was one that was an eagle. I buy because I like the color or they look pretty:) Phil buys for different reasons lol. There is rumour there is new transfomers coming out in a set of 4 of my little pony transformers. If they do we have to buy a set of 2. One for my kid and one for Phil although he doesn't care but I said too bad lol. Oh yeah police pulled Phil over the other day I have to blog about that because I could not believe the cop tried to make him say he had been drinking. Hello Phil has never drank once in the over 2 yrs I have known him and apparently he hasn't drank for 2 yrs before that. The cop made him blow in his face twice and insisted Phil was drinking. Phil asked to do a breathalizer and so he did and blew omg yep ZERO. Big fat fricken surprise. He said apparently Phil was speeding yet did not ticket him for that, however gave him $104 ticket for not having his front license plate. WTF? Him kept him for about 20mins and made Phil late for work. I don't believe he was speeding and when Phil was in a car accident over a year ago he had asked the police about his front license plate and he told him that the back one was all he needed. This cop said that cop was wrong. Wrong really yet for over a year he had no plate there? Now he has to get new plates or find the old one. What a load of crap. To think about it actually I think that is probably why he is so agitated and moody last few days.One more thing too someone had the gull to ask Phil if he actually saw a dog the day he was in an accident recently or if he could have been hallucinating. Go to hell buddy that is just crazy making and he is damn lucky I was not there when he asked Phil that because I would have lost it. Did you ask the guy who wrapped the car around a pole to avoid a cat and is still driving his car if he was hallucinating? I highly doubt it, as far as I am concerned they can go to hell. Sorry but that just pissed me off to say the very least!!!Yeah I am a little overprotective of those I love. But I don't believe that person had any damn right to even say that!My teeth are achy so bad. I really wish I could get them worked on. Toothache pain has to be the worst. Law and Order Criminal Intent was good tonight. I only like the police officers who were on this show to begin with I don't like the new ones. They just don't work. But that's my humble opinion. Anyhow off for now said enough...