Been Crying Again...

Well Well got yelled at again today but I guess I deserved it. Phil's sister(not biological, adopted into the family [kind of] which is irrelevant but just informing) anyhow found out today she invited Phil to her daughters birthday but was real sure to make sure we would not be coming. *tears* I felt like a truck ran over me. She invited him for saturday which he had already said he would take Mary to meet with her dad as she is going away for the spring break. But apparently he forgot he had made that commitment. So he yelled at me and my heart just sank. He is angry because he says he feels like he always has to check with me about everywhere he goes and everything he does. I would appreciate being kept in the loop about plans he has but just because I love him and I always tell him where I am going and what I am doing. I thought that is what people did who were together but maybe I was wrong. I am just hurting so bad I just can't even express how hurt I am. But I guess it's stupid of me to feel that way. I am not his owner and he should have the freedom to come and go as he wants. I don't want him to feel like he has a ball and chain. I feel like I am just too stupid to get it right when it comes to relationships. I always screw up everything I touch. Those who read my journal and been commenting it means alot. I don't always get to answer but I do read them. He is a good guy and I was encouraging about his posting pics. My only fear is him doing more than getting rated. I get rated but nothing more & wouldn't. Only reason I do fear that is because more then rating happened with him once before but I caught it before it got into anything big. However when we first got together I was with Doug and I told Phil and now I can't remember the last time I saw Doug. Been forever ago. I don't want to hurt Phil I really don't. I been trying so hard to support him and love him and say and do all the right things. But he just keeps telling me everything I did wrong when I was doing them wrong. Now this invitation strictly forbidding me how can I not feel hurt and insecure? What the hell is wrong with me that it hurts me so damn much?I really need to grow up. Last night I couldn't sleep I had so many thoughts running through my head I felt like I was going crazy I was ancy and was moving everywhere. I kept Phil partially awake and today he said sometimes that is why he likes to be at Cheri's because I do spend alot of nights up. I was thinking well so what we will have issues like that forever you gonna run everytime? I mean all kinds of things negative come up with any relationship so what you run? That's how it works in this world?Right now I am just hurting so damn bad I want to numb out. I have always gone into numb out mode when I hurt this badly. It's a good thing I am not vengful like I used to be. Phil doesn't want me talking to her so I won't but it HURTS!!!We never went to our couple counselling last week, Phil called and cancelled it while I was sleeping. We have one this week though. I see my own counsellor tomorrow and hopefully psychiatrist. Hope to talk about starting some new meds. I wish Phil would go get checked. He has been sick for months. His dr had put him on ampicillin for a chest infection over a month ago and still he is coughing and more tired than usual. Not to mention he has had these horrible headaches on the one side of his head since I met him that feels kinda gushy on that place of his head. I want him to see a neurologist but dr I think is an idiot. So whatever!LOL I am watching Medium they were talking about Danielle books I remember buying books for my kids that they were obsessed with. Kinda like the Harry Potter Series my son really picked up reading with those books a miracle . I love this show Medium it's a pretty good show, well put together. Then I will watch CSI Miami. I love that Horachio's brother Robert is Alive I wanna see how he looks.Phil bought a bunch more transfmoers stuff on ebay: Transformer Autobots Tshirt, Transfomers 20th Anniversary Mega Lithograph/Poster, Transfomers G1 Devestator, and 2 sets of aerobots, Oh I have to get him the megatron one he asked me to find and purchase on there and he is watching Transfomers G1 Grimlock-See Dinobot, and he also got a rare signed and numbered megatron poster and rare megatron vinyl sticker. Gee which transfomer do you think is his favorite?Mary had found a huge piglet pillow and saved it in watched items but he has so much to pay for for his transfomers I deleted it.We had manwhich for supper, God been so long since we had that. I always have liked it. Although I was so upset about finding out about saturday I couldn't eat. Stupid I know. Yuck who eats PB and apples? A new love for some in this house. I find it disgusting. I do like taking a spoonful of Jiff or Kraft smooth peanut butter and putting milk chocolate chips and some shredded coconut and then yummy eating it. I used to sneak that with my mom being out lol. We were brought up in a house where we had to ask for anything and everything. I used to always sneak milk. I can never ever get enough milk. My kids are generally allowed to help themselves to things like bread, veggies, fruit, and drinks. Anyhow I vented enough sorry for being so stupid...