Alot of Thoughts

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Pictures pertaining to the first bit of this entry are above or should be :)Well I have always hid this fact as much as possible from people but it seems it is getting worse and I feel really alone. I was sitting here trying to find a personal site someone may have made to talk about it but couldn't find one. So at the lack of that I will share this with others and hope if your out there like me you realize your not alone. I have Obsession Compulsion Disorder, not one where I wash till I bleed, or check locks, or have to have things in numbers or in categories ect. These are things you hear about usually when you hear of OCD. But what I suffer from and I know others in my family suffer from but don't talk about is Obsessive, compulsive skin picking. I used to hide it. But in the last couple of years I guess it's gotten so bad I can't hide it. I would love to stop, and I hate that I do it but it's like I can't stop. My arms are scarred and my legs are getting there. I been lucky most scars on my face have healed. It is shameful and scary to talk about because I don't think we still know all that much about it. I used to have such beautiful skin, now it is nice but scarred. I do seem to have a reaction in the summer to the sun and then that just gives me reason to pick and pick and pick. I even do it in my sleep. Lukily for me Phil has stood through me on it. I know it has to be hard for him sometimes and I love him for being there for me. I have psorisis on my head so it's easy to get at as well. Phil is lucky he has psorisis but I got him to see a great dermatologist in town and now he gets UV treatment and you would never be able to tell he has it. I have done alot to make him feel better about himself and he knows that. I know he has stood by me too but the most he can do really is catch me and yeah he does and he takes me to my counsellor appointments. Not every guy would do that. I mean it's bad enough I was diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and I used to take epival but after my RNY I was getting sick and so FINALLY they took me off of it. Wellbutrin also makes me sick. I can however take celexa but not alone or it makes me more manic. So as many on here know I was put on Zyprexa surprise surprise I cannot be on it, it makes my arms and hands swell and my heart pound and I can't breathe. I had to use my salbutamol to breathe again. So they took me off of it. I so hate when your trying to get meds to work. All I want is the noises to quiet down. It's the noise that gets me adjitated. Anyhow I see my counsellor again tomorrow and we'll see what happens now. My psychitrist was thinking of putting me on lithium so we will see. I really wish I could get some ativan too to help with my panic attacks. I have used it in the past although it doesn't calm me down as much as it does other people. Valium has worked good though. Zopiclone for the most part is the only sleeping med I have had that knocks me out, but I try not to take it unless an adult is here cause if I get up I have no idea what I am doing and retain no memory from about 10mins after I take it until the next morning. But I wake up rested which is soooooooooooooo nice. I have really bad insomnia and they said I also have wrestless leg syndrome which is crazy when you try to sleep and it feels like something is crawling in your legs and it's just unsettling.Anyhow Mary is making cake. She makes hella good cake yummy. DJ is on the phone he should just glue the thing to his ear. I made chicken strips, fries and corn for dinner and then no one really ate. Pretty much just Mary did.Sarah and Phil are both sick. Phil more than Sarah he is super congested so I picked him up some advil cold and sinus. You know I actually have a gag reflex when people blow their nose. I would rather hear them get sick. Phil has been sneezing like he has flower bushes up his nose.Why do men when they get older grow those long unattrative nose hairs? I agree with Phil gentics sucks. I don't believe that our God is an unjust God. I just wish I understood why God said he made us all equal when it is plain to see it's just not true. Phil has hair thinning, and body hair bothers him and he is only 5'4". Me I have struggled with weight my whole life, have had depression all of my life and now I suffer with osteoarthrtis of the upper lumbar spine. Which in the last few days is hurting so bad it made me cry. I wish I could glue a heating pad on my back. Kills me to even be on here for any length of time. I also have asthma and to top it off I am anemic. So tell me how does that make me equal to someone who is a beauty pageant queen, wish the perfect hair and the perfect teeth and the perfect personality? How do you convince someone that God is just and not someone who played a cruel joke on some of us? I am not deeply religious but to an extent I still have my beliefs. I was brought up in the united church, and my mother is catholic so I do have alot of those teachings ingrained in me. I do have some beliefs that my church would look down upon though like the candle magick and tarot and astrology beliefs. I obviously had kids so didn't stay a virgin till I would be married. It is a hard place to be in. I have had my faith be pushed to the brink. When God took my best friends mother and father away, people who were like surrogate parents to me I hated God. I still miss mom(Linda) so much everyday. She was everything to me. Then to take away my brothers wife and then my neiece a month before I was to see her, and only ever got to see her the day she was buried. Why why did God take her? She was new and she was everything to us all. Where is the answers to heartfelt questions like this, because I don't know what to tell people who confront me on issues like that. All I can say is I don't have the answers I guess we'll get them when we go home one day ya know?I went shopping the other day, DJ is not fun to shop with. He was so bored and just wanted to get things done. One thing I love is shopping with Mary she makes me tired she could shop all day if you let her. I got most of my easter shopping done I know it's a month till then but I would rather get it done and out of the way. I'm usually like that about christmas too.My teeth are still hurting so damn badly, really wish I had money to go in and get them all done, yeah right that will be the day :(Grr DJ and Mary were just in a vocal one uping one another. DJ won but he went low and I told him it was mean. Guys can be so cruel! Even young and old ones.LOL Mary is complaining about that pepto bismol commercial with the rappers. I think it's kinda funny and original. The commercial I hate is the one where the lady and guy open their Pepsi's on opposite sides of the street and then dance like idiots, only to end up ontop of a car where he throws her up and she disappears. WTH? Where did she go? Who made that commercial good gravy. LOl I love the candian tire commercial where they put where something is in a certain isle the lady falls through her patio chair he doesn't pay attention and the last sign goes over his head saying dog house isle... Now that commercial is funny.We went over to Phil's sisters the other night for their birthday. I actually had a good time. I didn't feel out of place and I for the most part seemed fine talking to people. But Phil said I talk too much and got mad at me. But it's not his fault he has been so tired lately and not getting any real sleep, more surface sleeping that anything and that sucks so bad for him. I tried getting him some over the counter sleeping aids but none have been working :( I've given him a massage. Anyone have any ideas on how to induce sleep? I should buy more melatonin. I was actually getting some sleep when I was taking that. Wish it were cheaper though.I really wish we had alieve here in canada. I think it would help with my back. Nothing seems to help it when it hurts this badly.Did I say Phil successfully sold the camera on ebay? He used that money to buy more transformers, and he did buy me Animal for my little collection of my favorite characters. I have piglet, pillsbury doughboy, taz, gizmo, elmo and now getting animal whew hoo :) He didn't like being away from his transformers so he brought a bunch here from Cheri's. I went and finally met her. She had some really adorable newborn kittens. Makes ya want another kitten :)Oh I saw a news thing the other day about this one site where women can rant and rave and let other women know about some of the looser guys out there. Check it out: http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com and there is apparently another site going to go up of course had to have seen that coming called http://www.dontdateherman.comSo it looks like Phil and I won't be going to Aerosmith. He is selling the tickets and putting it back on his credit card. I am a little disappointed but money is what he needs right now so it's just not the right time to go for a trip like that right now. We did get a new printer it became a necessity because the kids need it for homeowrk and resumes for DJ and Phil. It's just the lowest priced one but at least it's a printer right?Still wishing there was another company other than shaw here that did cable. I think cable is gotten too high. I do like calling canada and the usa for free though. Oh the twins Bday cake I purchesed myself so when we had left the kitchen and I went back to take a picture I was ready to cry. One of the kids friends stuck their finger in the cake. Omg I was ready to scream. I called where we bought it from and they tried to fix it up a little. I was so super choked though. I mean who does that? I bought the cake and his brothers gifts and he bought his sisters gift. I think everyone should have a cake for their bday no matter what. But that is the kid in me I suppose. Anyhow I am getting tired so off for now....