Potpouri of Stuff

Well it's another day. Sitting here looking outside wow how foggy it is. I actually love the fog. Just hate the cold. It's damn cold out right now. Poor Phil wandering around all night in that cold. I'm surprised he doesn't get sick more often. Casuse he does security and walks around alot and gets sweaty and then cold. One gets sick easily that way. He has been more tired and cranky lately, but not headachy or nauseated like DJ and I.DJ actually is so sick he spent the entire day sleeping. Except me waking him up to make him drink some gingerale and have some soup. He was going to take Sarah to the parade but I told him not to worry about it just to rest. Sarah was fine because I let her have a sleep over tonight. She has had quite a few now a days. If she isn't busy with her stuff she is with friends or their here:) Apparently today she saw her sister with Christine in our parking lot picking up C for a sleepover. I am sure miss thing thinks I would be pissed to hear that but no I am not. It's her mother I despise and wish to climb into a dark hole somewhere. Her daughter is actually a sweet kid. It's her friend M and that whole family I have issues with. Letting them run around all hours of the night, partying, fdrinking, calling Mary a cracker and her having to come her 2am because they were calling her that and putting her down she came home bawling. Disgusts me. Like fuck people! Guess it don't much matter I am not in control of that situation anymore. Oh crap here I go wanting to cry again. I am so tired of that overwhelming feeling of crying. Just rushes over me and I cry so hard I dry heave. I try hard to keep it from Phil and the kids, it's stupid I do it at all. Fucking I am so fucking weak, I hate life!Anyhow Sarah says Christine told her she will talk to my brother about putting Miss Mary in the program Sarah is in so they can go together. I asked him already a month ago, Mary told Sarah he won't let her go. But sounds like Christine might change that. It is only 10 dollars a month, how much better a deal can ya get? We forgot about it today cause last week there was none. But next week we'll get back on track.Sarah's report card came home she gets letter grades this year. I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay her because I can't pay her the same as the other two because it's alot harder for her. I loved what he teacher had to say:"Sarah is a delight to have in class. She has a positive attitude and good work ethic. She is an especially good athlete and has wowed me several times with her abilities!" That was her class teacher, ah my little sportsgirl. I am so proud of her. She had alot more to say but that made me smile. Then remember how I said at the beginning of the year they called concerned about the affect her sister was having on her and that it was making things hard being called stupid by her all the time. Well since then things have obviously changed for the better. That same teacher had this to say: "Sarah's confidence has really improved since last year. She has a positive attitude to learning." Makes me doubt a little less of myself when I see how much better it's made Sarah. I just wish my brother understood where I am coming from on that front. DJ has actually been tutoring her in math and he is so patient and helpful. I just am so proud of him for being so patient and understanding with her. One day she even had a huge fit about homeowrk and said she wasn't doing it. She was just loosing it. Phil and I went out and DJ had a little talk with her and boom she did it. Is that a sweet big brother or what? They are not super close I am sure age has alot to do with it, but he has been really good for her. Makes me smile inside and out when I see the way he is with her.Oh I got one of the things from my wishlist for my bday the Michelle Wright CD Timeless, very good CD but alot of songs I wish would have been on there that aren't. I hope she makes another CD soon with mixes of her CD's. The Eurythmics CD omg it so rocks. It has so many of their good songs it rocks!We're still trying to figure out how to the IPOD Mini, we never got a manual with it. Frustrating. Even DJ can't figure it out:( Lately with Phil things have been so wierd. One day it feels like we are closer than we've ever been and then the next it's like all comes undone. We're so different. He has no interest in my interests and I have no interest in his interests. But when he is his gentle, loving guy my heart it just melts. Even physically we have nothing in common and we're rarely close. When he's home we spend most of our time apart. His comp isn't hooked up so he's not on that but when it was he was on it and talking was pointless he was too into looking at ebay and transformers. Alot of the time he is playing with his transformers or watching TV and doing something. I am on here or watching TV or resting. He loves that I am usually up now but now he is always in the room. I am usually down here alone. We don't snuggle at night when he's here. Well rarely. He is trying to be more attentive and karate is definetly giving him more focus his temper is dwindling. However when he does get tempermental I just wanna pull into a shell. I don't know how to stop it. Once he gets riled up it's real hard to calm him back down. Thankfully he rarely gets mad at the kids. That was stressful with him and Mary they were always and I mean ALWAYS at one another. She loved to get to him. Sadly I admit I didn't miss her when she left but lately I think about her alot. I wish it didn't hurt so much. Wish I could just pretend I never had another kid. I do not understand why God gave me kids. I don't feel like I am the parent I thought I would be. How come my brother lost his kid and he would have been such a great dad? How come he lost her and I didn't loose mine? They told me DJ was going to die but he didn't he's almost 15 yrs old now. He's such a good boy too. I adore my kids they are outspoken, they are smart and they have good hearts. DJ tries hard to keep his heart hidden but every once in awhile he lets it show. But I don't think DJ and Mary are as strong as they are because of me, they just are. I have tried harder with Sarah and I think it shows. At least people say it shows that I have. I just can't seem to stop babying her though.Oh man Fog is getting thicker, my tears are still flowing. Just a few more days till I see my psychiatrist, sad I am happy about that eh? Cause another thing I am having issues with is hearing people talk. I feel like it is like being stabbed a million times, it drives me around the bend. So when I get yacked at continually I get snappy and I am trying so hard not to, just so irritable, what the hell is wrong with me with that?Oh I was late getting my iron shot but I did get it and I decided why not might as well get the flu shot too. The iron shot hurt like a fricken bitch. It sent a shock right up my spine. I never said nothing to the dr took all I had not to pass out. Never felt like that before. They told me if I ever get a pain down the leg scream to stop. Nevr said nothing bout the spine so never said nothing. I have been feeling woozy since. Probably the flu shot. Made me sick last year too. I hate the stupid iron shots every two weeks and for what? My iron, ferritin and hemoglobin are all still low. I am supposed to get a tat of SIDS ribbon and dedication to Alden on my ankle but not allowed with all those low. I have decided I might go get it in the next few months anyway. Screw it I want it and I want it now! I am sure I might bleed a little more than I should but I won't die! Wouldn't be that lucky:)So what over 2 months now of me living on soup? I am so tired of living on soup. I mean I have ate some solid food but it's rare and I usually only eat a tad bit of it before becoming really ill and having to feed it to Phil. Primo soup is making alot of money off me lol. I basically always have a full cupboard of Primo grilled chicken with wild rice. I also have made my own. When it gets to the end I freshen it up and then when low again I make it into stew. Phil and I like it! God the soup I make tastes soooooooooooooo good. We've made ALOT of chicken lately. Although I do right now have some peppered steak out. I usually make baby potatoes or different types of Lipton Noodles and sauce with our meat. When I make potatoes I have to have gravy for sarah lol. Anyhow I am so happy we had our municipal election today we kept the same mayor in Victoria. He is a really good mayor so I figured he'd win again! Did ya hear Carol James is trying to put a halt on the MLA's pay raises? Way to go woman. Like it will change anything though like God. Why didn't she win the damn election? Phil insists it was fixed cause no way in hell would shithead have gotten back in unless it was. Oh can we say I hate the curse of my family's hips grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I went to put on my jeans and they fit everywhere but the fucking hips! I wanted to cry. Do you know how hard hips are to loose? I wanna wear my jeans, and I am living on soup. I am always up now what the hell gives? God I am even cleaning alot lately. Yeah me even with the pain and omg I can say everytime I do shit I cry just trying to stand up straight. I HATE the curse of pain, why do I have to have osteoarthrtis in my damn spine? WHY? Does anyone have any idea how much it kills? Oh and today my back was stinging so bad turns out I have a huge assed blister on it. How the hell do you get a blister on your back? IT HURTs, I did pop it and holy fluid batman. Stinging oh that doesn't even begin to describe it, but stinging less now, so hopefully that means it will get better now! Anyhow I have a poem I wrote I will put here now and a poem that made me cry and a poem of the masks I wear, which is totally me! Plus some more about my causes. *hugs all*THE VIOLATIONDedicated to the WomenWho have felt thepain of rapeHis kisses cold as ice, her body frozen.Tears that fill her eyes, begging to be set free.he holds her down, forcing himself into her.The pain unlike any that could ever be explained.The tears she wants to cry, but cannot.Her cries and pleading for him to stop, he ignores them.She spells out NO and he just plunges deeper within her.Her insides that burn as he rubs them, she dies inside.Her body goes limp and she is just a cavity for him to use.his body like a rock crashes down on her, she is barely able to breathe.her mind floods with the blackness of shock, she shuts down.No emotion can be felt. He leans deeper within her, she begs him to just let go,to free her; but he just picks up the pace.her heart feels like it will shut off.Finally he fills her with his darkness, andshe lies dead unable to breathe.Wishing she couldn't feel anything.Thankful for the darkness of the room,and the burning tears he cannot see.Sick and weak, she feels him naked next to her.She turns weakly away, wishing to be swallowed up.The pain she feels, the throbbing inside, wishing she couldn't feel.praying for the little girl to take it away.tonight the woman died again, a violation he caused her.A memory forever tatooed within her.By: Angela MacRae © CopyrightStop Canada's Senseless Baby Seal Hunt In just a few weeks, hundreds of thousands of baby harp seals will be slaughtered for their pelts out on the ice floes of Eastern Canada.Hunters armed with clubs and rifles will bludgeon to death these adorable, defenseless animals. At least 95% of the seals killed will be less than three months old!This is the largest deliberate slaughter of marine mammals in the world; and it's driven purely for commercial profit.Canada wants the media and public to believe that no one cares about the innocent blood spilled each year. http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/370512755?z00m=21818&z00m=21818http://babyseals.care2.com/i?p=465055580 (one click a day free helps save seals, it's so easy, please consider doing it)We are proud to offer our new SIDS Awareness Bracelets!it is our hope that when our own SIDS bracelets are worn, it will raise awareness in our fight against SIDS. The bracelet is white with the word SIDS in block letters.http://www.infantsurvival.org/awareness_bracelets.htmLeaving: Interviews With Women Who Have Left Abusive RelationshipsWhat do women who have left abuse have to say to women who are still in an abusive relationship? This is the research question that started this participatory action research project that uses feminist methodologies. The author, Angela MacRae, was enrolled in a welfare-to-work program to complete a work experience practicum as a researcher. The report presents Angela's experiences and thoughts and the results of nine in-depth interviews with women who have left abuse. Hundreds of copies have been ordered by Transition Houses and the booklet was also reprinted in Kinesis magazine.By Angela MacRae - June 1999 - 14 page bookletFull Reporthttp://www.vipirg.ca/assets/publications/research_reports/leaving.pdf SarahMy name is Sarah I am but three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid, I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my Mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long. When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my Mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight. Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream But its now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me. My causes by the way are: Heart and Stroke Foundation, Vancouver Children's hospital, Arthrtis,Diabetis Association, MADD, Street Youth, Domestic Violence,SIDS, AIDS Association, Literacy Association, Animal Protection, Disabilities, Mental IllnessWho am I? Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I am afraid to take off. But none of them are me. But don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I am secure, That all is sunny and unruffled with me, Within as well as without, That confidence is my name and coolness my game, And that I need no one, Don't believe me, Please! My surface may be smooth, But my surface is my mask, My vaying and ever concealing mask. Beneath lies no smugness, No complacence. Beneath dwells the real me, In confusion and fear, In loneliness. I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, Of what's crying within me. So, when I'm going through my routine, Please don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully, and try to hear what I'm not saying, And what I'd like to be able to say, What for survival I need to say, But what I can't say. Only you can call me into aliveness, Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, Each time you try to understand because you really care, My heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sympathy and sensitivity, And your power of understanding, You can breathe life into me, I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, How you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. My long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. I fight against the very thing I cry out for, But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, In this lies my hope. My only hope. Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well, I am a hurting member of your family, I am the hurting person sitting beside you in this room, I am every person you meet on the street. Please don't believe my mask, Please come behind it to glimpse the real me. Please speak to me, share a little of yourself with me, At least recognize me. Please ... Because You Care. Author Unknown to me A couple of fun links:)http://www.myyearbook.com/ladyillusions/http://www.brunching.com/cgi/oralsexdonate.cgi?id=25864-1050029840 http://www.brunching.com/images/oralsexbutton.jpgOral Sex Donations AcceptedTee hee bad me, but hey I am a scorpio yo...