All Of A Sudden

Phil is always telling me I am NOT psychic, he doesn't believe I ever have been or ever will be. Despite having friends backing up visions I have had. Things I have been able to call bang on before they happen, when they happen I knew them. 3 friends I called being pregnant before they were. My grandfather I called dying of lung cancer a few years before he did. I've even called the right gender of babies to be entering the world, although that is more Sarah's fortee she does much better with that she has only been wrong once. I just seem to see things and know things. I have a very strong sixth sense. However since being on seroquel it's messed up with my ability to see clearly like I could before. I hate it. I do believe here in victoria BC there is alot of psychic vampires I used to get drained alot. Doug had to teach me how to protect myself, as did this other guy Mike. Doug also taught me how to astral travel now that is the shit :) Anyhow I got this overwhelming sense to cry just before 6am today. Like someone I care about is either going to do something that breaks my heart, or someone is going to get hurt or die or already has. I am actually shaking and my eyes are just welled up. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I am actually shaking. I wish the vision of what or who would come to me. I miss seeing things at least then I could be more clear. Stupid fricken meds Anyway if I say anything to Phil he'll just tell me I am being stupid and yell at me :'( I think I figured out part of my depression issue right now. I think I need a change of pace. I feel stagnated here. I mean I don't feel like I have anything to get up to or look forward to in a day. oooohhhhh another day of gloominess and being yelled at oh happy day.I have no will to do anything in this place. I need a smaller place, a brighter place. This winter has sucked milkthistle lol. I can't remember the last REAL vacation I took. I think if I won a trip to whereever I wanted to go or won some money I would love to go visit Phoenix in New York. How fun would that be? She is always a gas, love her to death :) Today is my best friend Sherri Huberdeau's Bday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRI!!!!! She is now 34. She always bugs me that I am older than her because I turn a yr older than her in nov and then we're the age when she gets older in january. The little shit.Ya know I have been wondering lately if maybe my exhaustion is more than just bipolar but Chronic Fatigue syndrome. You know growing up I was really tired all the time too. I don't know how many times I was tested for mono among other things trying to find a reason why I was so tired and dragging ass all the time. It's an achy, just weak shaky tired feeling. Like getting up to go to the bathroom sometimes is a huge ordeal. I do have good days, weeks and sometimes months. I do get manic episodes where I can't sleep which seems to be lately. I am tired but sleep very little. IN last week have only sleept a couple hours on and off lately. I know my iron is probably at ground zero I never kept up with the shots. I just got too tired of going every damn two weeks and Phil would tell me how stupid I was for having to go so often to the doctor so I just stopped going to the doctor. I wish I could just get the shots at home. Don't bother writing me and telling me about the pills and liquid my body rejected them they didn't absorb either thus why I had to get shots and even then my iron was not to where it should have been, but was higher than nothing so it was something. I hope Phil is in a better mood today when I see him. Yesterday he was super angry. Yell yell yell. Just layed into me within 5 mins of coming here and continued to do so for about an hour. Then on and off for the next few hours. I hate when he asks me a question that only has one answer, or asks me a question that I don't want to answer because it makes me sound like garbage. *tears* He thinks so little of me, and he thinks so little of his looks and tries to convince me that his appearance is not good. Just rips me up inside so much. Everything lately is negative negative negative. I asked him if when he talks to Ashley, Rebecca and Tiffany if he yells about his looks to them or is negative with them like he is with me. Those are 3 "friends" he has been talking to alot lately, and he went to have coffee with Ashley apparently from what he says on the weekend. Anyway I am gonna go for now...

Internal Confusion

First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose. Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell? Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot. Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work. Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather. Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know? Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousAlways dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines

I MIss Feeling Alive

So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.
I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.
I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.
I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!

Pre New Year Thoughts

Well today is the 30th my deadline for meeting DJ's demands. I have not responded or spoke to him since such demands were made except to give him his christmas gift. So I do wonder what will be the next step :'( Christmas pretty much sucked for me. Nothing really spectacular for me. We had the big christmas dinner with Phil's family on Christmas eve at his sisters. I do have to say God did bless Phil's family with yet another miracle, just before Christmas the cancer clinic phoned to say his dad came back clear for any sign of cancer. So yes once again miracles have proven to become reality. Especially for Phil's family. As for Phil and I we are having a hard time getting along. More on my part. I just get so frustrated with him and I hate him not listening to me and not respecting me when I ask him not to yell at me or touch me when I don't want to be touched. I hate when I people especially men force themselves on you, it feels dirty and wrong and unclean. It makes you want to do everything you can to make them not want to be near you you know? For Christmas he gave me 3 vamp like posters a medium robosapien I have not got to use yet cause he has no batteries :( He called me down to walmart last night to buy me a new coat cause mine could wrap around me twice it was toooooooo big for me. But When he paid for it he went into a huge ordeal about cost and the whole world heard it and I probably went white. I wanted to cry. I hate when he humiliates me like that. If it is such a huge ordeal I don't want it. I didn't need it THAT bad. I mean we are in BC after all. Then it was a yelling at me thing all the way to the bus stop. I watched a show WHAT WOULD YOU DO? well they should do another instance of someone in a security jacket harrassing their girlfriend or boyfriend because I can tell you from personal experience NO ONE WILL HELP YOU, or even question what is going on. I think they automatically assume your in the wrong. Nothing you say or do will get you help. Even 5 EMPLOYEES in WALMART saw and watched as I pleaded to be left alone to NOT BE TOUCHED to GO HOME did nothing. No they WATCHED and did NOTHING! This makes me question how many other people experience and have experienced outright abuse because of any uniform they may be wearing. It really is an interesting show the WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I think everyone should watch it and more should be done. So Saddam Hussien is dead huh? I was surprised it seemed to come so quickly. His trial made me laugh. I have to admit he has a very big sense of humour. Or should I say had. On MSNBC I watched a bio on him. There is alot to understand about the man. He wasn't all bad. Mislead I think, did bad things but not all bad. Inside he was human! I've been talking to Doug, I take that back we've been TRYING to talk. Our talks are more like ....leave your message at the tone...hey at this rate we're never gonna cross paths...beep. Or...hey finally caught ya...yeah but on the run...what's up...oh work work work and more work...yeah and you....oh this and that the same old same old....think we'll ever catch up....I don't know your schedule is worse than mine...true that... But we do get to talk a little bit and it's nice when we do it's nice to connect. His mom is always sweet when I talk to her too. Mary and Sarah have been LOUD here together, reminds me why Mary is with her dad at times. But is nice at other times. Mary has been cleaning and has had fun with friends, has done my hair and makeup. Teen girls are blast to have for shopping and dressing up with. Specially when they like being girls :( My Sarah is more into being a boy but with Mary here she has had her dressed up real nice it's been nice:) Unfortunetly for family pics Sarah won the war and had a hat and tshirt on. I wasn't gonna fight she was being herself. My family however won't be too keen on the pics :( Hey if everyone would check out my brother's Blog it would be great and pass it on to others I would love ya for it http://usanatraveler.wordpress.com also please tell him his sister Angela sent ya there. That would be the best gift for me. Anytime ya visit tell him I kept sending ya there :P Phil's family has another blessing coming to their family this year. A little precious girl. Phils brother Colin one of the twins is having a baby with Nikki they are due I believe Feb 1 2007. I personally think it will be Jan 29th maybe I just feel january when I am around her. She'll also loose her weight right away. She is such a beautiful pregnant lady :) Colin is such a proud daddy to be. For Christmas I got them engraved sterling silver matching keychains that say Mommy and Daddy. I was most proud of that gift :) Oh my family loves holidays to let it be known who is the black sheep and who is not. I miss the days when my grandma didn't have dementia and my grandma m was alive. Nothing is the same anymore, I don't think they would have ever been the way other members are in our family. But it has been made known for sure that yes I am still very well known as the black unwanted sheep, and firmly stand there in place as I always have! I have roast cooking tonight I am making it with peas, corn, mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding, and gravy. I did make a second turkey on christmas day which I wasn't going to do but did. I just couldn't have christmas without turkey. Then I got uh a little sloshed at Phil's sisters on boxing day. OMG I love rum and coke and I had just had so much fighting the drinks were so nice. I don't drink often but when I can and when I have the opportunity and it's safe for me to do so I love to just fade into the rum and coke :) I sent Phil to get me VEX one night and he accidently got me HYDRA vodka water lime flavour. OMFG it tastes so good. It's almost like the MEXIKITA WHICH I LOVE!!! I wish they hadn't taken it away I drank it as my only drink when it was here. Oh man the teen girl is home from her friends the noise comes back, and she is gone again off to her friends again, but for how long dun dun dund da..... My upstairs computer got a virus I have been alerted by one person about this url http://forum.shopbdazzled.com/members.php?msn=advice_angel@hotmail.com this is not from meplease do not open it. That computer is no longer attached to the internet and is in the process of being cleaned all other computers have been tested and are okay. I honestly think people who hack people need a fricken life honestly! Anyhow that is it for now...

First Holiday Thoughts...

So I have done all the christmas shopping. Once again was pretty much left on my shoulders. I bought for both sides of the family and with my money for the most part as well. Now I am also left to wrap it all which I HATE!!!! Will be so glad to have the holidays be over. I know this christmas was already gonna suck but everyday I knowe it's gonna suck even worse than what I already thought it would. Do you know christmas is the highest time for suicides that and new years? The top age group for suicides is seniors? Interesting statistics eh? But I can totally understand it! I have told everyone if I ever end up from drowning or suffication or soemthing painful someone did it to me. If I die and there is no note I didn't do it. I am so paranoid that I have always felt like letting people knowing that. I mean cause sometimes I feel like I am being drugged against my will but can't prove it, but I can be paranoid at times, but yeah I would want a toxicology report done.
I am so envious of the people getting to go see Meatloaf makes me want to cry so unfair :(
Mary is home her friends threw a surprise party for her and are spending the night and Sarah is having aparty with her friends as well, so it's been loud and hectic here. Let's see 24th we are having christmas dinner at Phil's sisters because his dad is tired from having his surgery and he can go downstiars and relax when he gets tired. Then Christmas day I have no idea what we are doing which is a new one for me:( Then26 his sister is having a boxing day open house we're going to that and get rid of girls after a couple hours there cause everyone is gonna be drinking ect. The girls are gonna go out and spend their christmas money with a group of friends and then sleep over at a friends. Then the 27th Sarah got lucky and made it into a special soccer thing that was first come first served. Then we are getting family pics done. Then the 28th is Kai's 3rd bday party and we are going to that as well. So we will be busy bees.
Christmas is so depressing to me I can't remember the last christmas I have had without my son DJ. I cry and cry thinking about it.I love him so much and I just can't be angry with him or resent him. Yes I am upset with his ultimatum to buy him a PS3 but he wants one so much. The Playstations have always been something that mean alot to him. He says I broke his PS2 because when he was grounded from the internet I did not realize you could connect to the internet through a PS and he snuck onto the internet when grounded on his PS2. I went upsytairs and pulled out his cable cord. I never even picked the thing up. I just took the internet out. I can't help but question if maybe I did break it, but my dad and mom and Phil and a few other adults said it just doesn't seem possible that I did. It seems more likely that when he threw his tantrum that he broke it then blamed me.See the thing is I fully expected to buy DJ a PS3 for christmas this year but then I saw the price and the fights, we went on ebay still very expensive. Then I had thought I would ask his nanna/pappa, uncle Roger, maybe Karen, maybe aunt Judy, Phil, Granny, Oma/Opa, JC/Colleen, Colin/Nikki, and his foster parents to help put money towards one to get one. However even with all of them it still would not be enough to buy one and now everyone said my getting one now would be the worst thing to do because it would happen again, he would do it again. Which broke me down into tears. He destroyed a plan I really wanted to help him with. Cause I really know he wanted one :'( I DID SEE DJ A FEW DAYS AGO AND GAVE HIM $50 DOLLARS IN MAYFAIR BUCKS, he was in the van with his foster dad and said what's this I said mayfair bucks he said oh and he took it and that was the end of that. I had to stop myself from crying, no thankyou no emotion just took it without any greatfulness. Oh well I am just thrilled he took them I could not go throughout the holidays not giving him something. He loves alot of the stores in there. Now I wish I had given him 100 dollars like I had planned to in the first place :'( Yeahknow he looked really awesome and gorgeous. Short hair cleaned up. Did my heart alot of good to see him like that. No matter what has happened I will always love my kids and I think there is always room to work things out. DJ is right I put too much on his shoulders I gave him way too much info for his age. My brother and I have had a few talks about that. Just because DJ will listen and try to help and is good at talking back does not mean I should pull him into adult conversations. I'm sure that must have been stressful.
Sometimes I think I am such a screwup as a parent. I wish there was a manual, and a warning thing built into us to shock us when we say or do the wrong things. I so always wanted kids and I always wanted to be a good mother but it just doesn't seem to happen I keep fuckin it up and it hurts :'(
Phil and I have been fighting pretty extremely lately. His self destruction is getting worse. More than punching a door, a drawer, a wall, he has now started to punch himself in the face leaving vicious red marks on his face. It scares me so much. He says he does it to toughen up so when the world goes to hurt him it won't. He has had some trauma in his life and he needs counselling in a huge way. I saw a documentary on msnbc canada channel and they said there is a group therapy run by Don Wright and I was wondering how to get ahold of him, because I think a contact like him would be great for Phil to become in conact with. Of course Phil is fighting counselling because he says it won't work and he thinks if he goes I win, like it's a game and he is only going because I want him to:'( But it's not at all like that :( I care about his life and until he deals with this anger and memories he will never get over the anger not ever! And every relationship he has WILL be affected!!!!
Phil hasn't been well either 2 months now of coughing I did force him to go to doctor but his doctor gave him robitussin and for a bit he felt better but now he keeps me up all night coughing. It's not a cold cause he has no other symptoms.I think it could be walking pneumonia. I am having a helluva time getting him back into the dr for medication which his dr told him to do if after that robitussin was gone and he still was coughing.
I've been talking to Doug on and off again. Did I mention he is seeing some chick named Cindy in Sooke? He said he for the most part falls asleep on her because he is so tired but doesn't deny they are intimate. I thought he was gonna try though and I am not that fricken stupid!!!!
I still have not gotten ahold of the lady to do my SIDS tattoo which is a little upsetting to me. I am actually very upset I want this damn tatto. I am starting to think about going to other shops and seeing how much it would cost in other places:'( Or maybe getting ahold of Wade to do it he did my dingo paw tat:)
Anyhow that is it for now, hope everyone has good holidays :)

Recent December Thoughts

Just laying up here talkin in bed wth Phil. We still can't believe dJ'S ULTIMATUME! Ce la view I suppose. I love my son and I realize he has had a life that has been confusing and hard. I partially blame his dad but his dad walked out before he was ever born right Bryan?
I had a talk with my brother about Dj's addiction to gaming and how it seems to be the one and only thing that seems to matter to him and bring him happiness and I wanted to understand the reasoning behind it. After listening to my brother break down Dj's life and break down gaming and how the two work together it's almost impossible to not understand why he wouldn't love his computer and gaming. In fact I should be thankful to God that that is what it is he is drawn to he could have been drawn to much much worse.
It's angering to me that my son is from a very very very well to do family his grandparents are very high up people in north bay ontario. Roman catholic family. Run a well known restaurant and have turned their back on their first grandson from day one. I tried to have them involved sent his grandmother pictures and letters. I did everything, even DJ sent notes but they just turned their backs on him. I found Bryans brother on a popular school site and he never wrote back when he realized who I was. I have had a few people write me to tell me where Bryan is and his parents are still where they have always been. But you can drag a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
I saw Motley Crue and Aerosmith. I have never been to a big girl concert before people were drunk and high. Motley Crue was ok but not like I expected. I LOVE MOTLEY CRUE but they semmed like a really held back kind of group they swore alot but held back. Niki Sixx was way better than I would have ever expected he actually seemed the most hard assed which shocked me. He handed out a bottle of champagne and came out and sang with aerosmith singing helter skelter:) Aerosmith however holy moley I LOVED IT they were really into the crowd they come much more into the audience, they are more interactive, the lights and stuff are much more involved. They are also much cleaner not as much swearing and seem much more inot their music than into acting. I really enjoyed their concert. We were only about 10 feet away and I could have sat another 2 hours of them singing he just rocked. Very well put together. I want to see them again.
I am so sulking right now because more than anything I want to go see MEATLOAF and so many people are going to see him. He will be in Victoria FEB 28th 2007. I just want to cry I am a HUGE MEATLOAF fan and always have been. I doubt I will get a ticket though:(I hate it I really want to go. I wanna know if they are gonna sell the bat out of hell CD's as a trilogy set cause I would like that as well.
I finally talked to Doug today, been trying to get ahold of him for over a week. He is seeing some chick up in sooke named Cindy. He is working at his work and the casino and doing the floors still and goes up to nanaimo for work still. Yep still a workaholic, just always working working working. Always says he is gonna cut back on his hours but somehow seems to work more and more :'( But he actually phoned while at work today and I am gonna call him later.
Phil is back at work. He works days. His arm hurts still seems more lately but it could be all this cold weather. He is happy to be back at work but hates going to bed so early because he has to get back up early.
His dad did get the tumour out but they found more and there is nothing they can really do. So this is pretty much from what it looks like is his last christmas. We don't have any set time of how long we have with him, so we cherish the days we have. Phil is not handling it well at all. Sarah doesn't quite understand how to connect to it. It's a very confusing time for everyone. We saw dad yesterday he was alot quieter than I am used to seeing, but it was nice to see him. It just makes you take stock of what we have in life you just never know from one day to the next what will happen and who will be here still.
I have alot of things I have written down but I think I am just gonna forgo them. I have a computer up in my room now by my bed thanks to my brother setting it up. THANKYOU ROGER!!!! I have the best brother ever. The thing about having my brother around so much is he sees everything. He has had a few major talks with me. The things he says are true but are hard to hear. But also he doesn't make me feel bad, he applauds me just for getting up. He understands how hard each step in a day is for me. He doesn't do it in a belittling way either, he does it in a way that makes me smile. He congradulates me on every little step I do. He does think I am being emotionally abused and worries about that. He didn't just say I am being emotionally abused either he has said things Phil doesn't get, I mean he's not being one sided.
Quite a few people have told me I should do something I don't know I can do lately, even by people who love Phil dearly and it's easy to say for everyone, but for me to do it, it's not like me to deal with things that way. I am just so confused right now :'(
Oh wouldn't you know it I got those teeth pulled out and they broke my jaw as it was infected badly and now I broke another fuckin tooth and it's killing me. I am seriously considering having them yank out all my top teeth and getting false teeth :( God the pain a broken tooth br4ings is just insane!
As much as I hate Christmas I did decorate. I have a beautiful white Christmas Tree and victorian colored decorations, and a big burgandy ball in the livingroom and hallway and white icedrops and gold snowflakes hanging across the livingroom, gold and white around the doors, gold bells, a red ribbon on the door, burgandy treeskirt, and mistletoe :) I hate christmas and this year I seem worse but I did most of the shopping, and Phil is just angry this year so it's made me hate it more. I will be glad when the holiday is over! Hope everyone elses is much better!

dosent matter

Nice email huh? Now how exactly am I supposed to come up with this? Not to mention No I DID NOT BREAK THAT DAMN PS2. If I could buy the PS3 I would I already have pretty much told everyone that! *tears* ----- Original Message ----- From: "dj macrae" To: <tenderone@shaw.ca> Sent: Wednesday, December 13, 2006 9:52 PM Subject: dosent matter >I have a deal for u its just as manipulative as u are > > for 2 times a week i will come and see u for an hour at a time on my > scheadule > > ur part of the deal is to buy me a ps3 first off all for whats already > written and because u broke my ps2 and yes i am pulling this shit on u > > im giving u till dec 30 i dont care how hard it is to find or how > expensive it is > > but if u do buy it i will give u a cahnge rm no later than dec 30 > > regards from D.J. for angela macrae

Would you try to buy the PS3 given these conditions? Yes No Not A Chance He Needs to GROW UP I may have wanted to before given an ultimatium but not now Love him but don't give in to emotional blackmail Wow I give him kudos yeah he should so get the PS3 I would want to but if I couldn't I couldn't, love doesn't require a PS3 A big part of me would want to

Holy SNOW

It was a snow day here and apparently across BC. It is damn cold out too:) So cold I have seen no kids playing in the snow that says something. Being a child from Ontario canada, I say Bc'ers should be ashamed of their reaction to snow, sheesh. I would rather have snow that the rain.
I did see my doctor and she does think I have an ulcer she put me on Pariet and made an appointment for me to see Dr.Amson we hope to get a scope ASAP because I am loosing dark blood. That's all I need right now:(
Phil's dad John was just found to have a tumour in his stomach and it's positive and a low percentage of being able to get it out. So Mom(Anne) is having a hard time as is the rest of the family. So support and prayers are a blessing. Apparently his surgery should be in about 2-3 weeks. Gonna be a hard holiday season though.
Alden's anniversary of her loss is on the 4th. That is hard as well. December is becoming worse and worse of a month to me.
Ok things I have written to remember:
Movie I liked on Women's Network Nov 26/06 "Try To Remember"(2004) Gabrielle Anwar, Lisa Monroe(mystery & suspense)
Thinking about DJ, his newest tactic is to call me by my name and not by mom, and still with the fuck this and the fuck that & your not important to my life. The name thing bugged me the fisrt couple of times but now I truly don't care. Whatever he feels his angry little mind needs to do. Like I told him no matter what he calls me I am still his mom. Sarah wants her brother here for Christmas she misses him so much but he feels he has to hurt her to punish me. I want here too. If I had nothing else that would be the best present itself.
He is just so insesant on blaming me for kicking him out, but I wanted just a weekend to calm myself down and think straight. I got scared when he got angry, but it could be I reacted that way becauseI do tend to jump easily because of past abuses. I realize& take responsability for maybe not handling it a better way. Upon further reaction I'm sure there could have been better ways to deal that would have worked for both of us. But he got overreactive as well & shut the door completely because of one bad weekend & hehas to take responsability for his choices. I do love him & miss him. Wish he were home but he needs to make his own choices & I will still will always, have door open for him and a place in my heart. I really do miss him :'(
I want to say I was very sad on my bday When the jury came back and said guilty to 1st degree murder on 2 theories aggravated rape and aggravated buglary and put Christopher McCowen in Jail. I am so hurting for that man. I just don't believe he raped and killed that lady. Day 6 Jury was deadlocked on Cape Cod. One female juror was replaced for personal reasons. Defense was refused mistrial by the judge, and jury was sequestered for 2 days.

Written Changes

Yes this is all stuff written again since my last entry so is a little here and there ok maybe alot here and there...Legacy of Pain-Montreal massacre murder of 14 women, Engineering school he went there around 4pm. Before shooting he shouted "I hate feminists" It was 6pm before SWAT made it into the building. I would like to know what took so long for them to get in. I was surprised to see the picasso painting pulled of the block at the 11th hour which was estimated to sell at over 60 million. Has something to do with a family being forced to sell it to nazi's or something like that. I missed the back story on that. But was surprised, as it was huge news it was selling.I am a fan of Michael Buble and love seeing him doing a commercial for Children's Hospital with his song I wanna come home. I love that song and Children's Hospital is one of my things I support financially. They saved DJ's life and did a major surgery on Mary.We all saw this coming, Brittney Spears filed for divorce and the next day her husband Kevin Federline filed for sole custody of both kids. *shakes head*Actor Daniel Baldwin was arrested in San Antonio, California on suspicion of stealing an SVU. Hello the guy is rich, well know, handsome, doesn't need to steal an SVU I so don't buy this. Someone screwed up on this one I think!I like this quote "When will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsPizza came to North America in the 1900's with the immigrants was first made to represent italy's colors. Cool thing to know:) My favorite pizza is mushroom pizza. Yep just mushrooms:)Women in Black-Wear white poppies which are hand made. The legions are in court because they are put out that they put them out at the same time as their red poppies. Come on now the world has room for both. I find that really sad and shameful!I made a nice roast on the 4th with yorkshire pudding gravy baby carrots and baby potatoes everyone loved it:) Yeah me:)A Michael Williams Statue was put up in Victoria it is temporary I believe still to be moved to a more permanent place but nice to be done. I have to say whew hoo to America's Most Wanted 20th season 911 captures, I am a hard core watcher it is the show of all shows!I'm watching Extreme Makover Home Edition I want the shirt from Pink Warriors I have to find out about getting one of those shirts, they help with brast cancer. Relay for life I would buy a shirt but walking for 5 days omg I would be done in, my brother might do that though. Phil said he would do it. I hate cancer it took away my grandmpa. They said to go on the web and go to http://www.abettercommunity.comBissell get a http://www.carosan.com gets rid of dust miteshttp://www.tryone.com http://www.firstroboticscanada.org http://www.eons.com http://www.tell-someone.com http://www.veryfunnyads.com http://www.nowpublic.com http://www.tomorrowsworld.org http://www.no2meth.ca http://www.manulifeincomeplus.com http://www.cheaters.com http://www.cancerrecovery.ca http://www.courttvnews.com http://www.wolfboys.ca http://www.livestrongportfolios.com http://www.datelinecrime.net http://www.operationhomefront.net http://www.squaredance.ca http://www.thriftyfoods.com http://www.londondrugs.ca http://www.mvparents.com http://www.orbitz.com http://www.ditech.com http://www.besaucy.ca http://www.oldfieldorchard.org http://www.scienceworld.ca http://www.creditunionsbc.com http://www.thermacare.com http://www.chtv.ca http://www.wholegrainoats.ca http://www.gnomewatch.com http://www.tcfarm.org http://www.endaids.ca http://www.torontofilmschool.ca http://www.belairtravel.com http://www.high.org http://www.carfax.com http://www.tostidos.ca http://www.lifenetwork.org http://www.zerocrashmonth.com http://www.builtfordtough.com http://www.tcfarm.org I wish BC to follow suit, April 2007 Alberta pharmacists can write prescriptions for people. Other provinces will be watching. God that would be so much easier than always going back for renawals. I been seeing alot of psychics and mediums I like on tv when I see them I will mention them here and there like Phil Jordan who is a Medium.K-KeepI-InteruptingD-DuringS-SleepSo Saddam is guilty of genocide and is sentenced to hanging. They figure appeals will be done by January and hanging may happen by februaury 2007. Saddam trembled and said after sentencing "God is Great". We all know Bush is happy and sees it as a good thing for their people. I haven't heard an official stement from Canadian prime minister. Tony Blair minister in Britian against death penalty for saddam and all and any cases. I think Saddam is hilarious, and an ass but I don't agree with the death penalty in any case, never have. I believe what goes around Karma will take care of.Jury clock has been being watched for the Cape Cod Case of Christa Worthington(fashion writer) Murdered and found with her unharmed 2yr old child alive next to her, where Christopher McCowen has been tried for first degree murder and aggravated rape. Defense say he was coerced into a confession because of low IQ. There is no video or taped confession just their word. Which is just one of my reasons for my reason of not convicting him. Not to mention these police had a narrow field of vision. A witness saw a white man leave the crime but Chris is Black. Things don't all add up with the evidence. I think they too quickly jumped to a black man and I couldn't convict him and feel good about it if I were on the jury.Corcoran prison-love the song a prisoner wrote and sings "15 to life"http://www.texasborderwatch.com has been set up to help people illegally crossing the border-what a joke. How sad does it have to get?I was deeply disturbed by Dr.Phil's show with Jeremy who so obviously is sexually abusing his daughter Kailie. Trying to outwit the lie detector test which we found out is 92% accurate. The detctive who gave the test believes he is guilty and Dr.Phil is helping to report him to all he can. I just feel so bad for his little girl and the videos of her crying killed me. To admit he has an email at analbastard@----.com says alot too. I hope the mother of his child to be is smart enough to walk away and never turn back. My God he is sick!Love the gecko on the geico commercials and the cavemen ones crack me up. The other ones I change the channel when they come on.Had right top molar pulled out wed nov 1st was supposed to have root canal but tooth was too far gone. Pain set in way worse as each day went on worse than when I had the tooth. Felt and looked like a big piece of tooth was still left over. Finally after throwing up and crying everyday I went back on the 8th to find out it was jaw bone jutting out. So They froze me which I whined about I was so tender. Then they broke the jutting out jaw bone and I freaked as I heard it cracking and then they used an exacto knife looking thing to shave down the bone. Needless to say I have been in massive PAIN, but seem to be healing this time.Dr.Bass has an interesting place I would love to see The Body Farm Forensic Anthropology Center a place to learn about human decaying at any given time. There are 30 bodies on the lot at any given time. I learned watching it that flies are only active in temps over 52 degrees.Mamie Van Daren she's beautiful and is aging so well, don't we all wish we could be like her? She married a 19yr old when she was 32. She really has been blessed! She so doesn't look to be in her 70's.I don't like the show Trading Spouses, I do however like the show Wife Swap.I've unfortunately gone into the picking phase again. I have 3 sores on my face, 2 on chin, 1 on side of face. A few on each arm and a couple on one leg. I hate that I do it in my sleep:( I finally got into the group I've been waiting to get into. DPT Group it is an 8 month group and 10 of us in it.Been throwing up ALOT! & Dry heaving I called Amson's office cause I want a scope I am wondering if it is possible I have an ulcer of course no one has called me back grrrr. I see my dr for the flu shot in a week or so so will mention it to her! I am sick more than I am well. I really do feel sometimes like I am being drugged:( I have NO SEX DRIVE!!! Poor Phil he finally has one and I just push him away I just don't want to be close to anyone as of late. I mean who wants to be close when your feeling sick??:(Judge Leslie Lewis shaved 10 yrs off a prison sentence off an admitted sexual predator who had 3 counts of sexual abuse towards a 7 year old in Utah. What the hell is she thinking?I see no usefulness in the pasta express either way you still have to boil the water right?Once again someone is loving the media attention ESCORT Mike Jones is just sucking up the media attention. I am proud of Reverand Ted Haggard for admitting he has a darker side in his life being involved with drugs and a male escort(Mike Jones [who outed him]). I think it's brave how he said it publicly even though he was outed. Mike you need to get a life, good God!Yet again another cruise has had an accident. A man was seen going overboard on carnival cruises sat nov 4 2006. Is it just me or is alot of cruise ships having things like this happening?Did you watch Criss Angel's celebrity seance at the armasosa hotel in death valley junction california room 34 where apparently a little girl named Mary died. I wasn't all that pulled into it and his quote at the end made me think even less "Do you believe in ghosts? I don" Criss Angel I do love Criss though I love how great he is with his illusions and magic it is unlike any other and he seems so down to earth. The one show I cry everytime I see is the one with the woodchipper I cry and cry and cry even though I know how it turns out his mom gets to me. I cry for her and I almost threw up once I felt so much for her. I don't know how she does it. He really is a great man to his family but I feel for his mom with each stunt he pulls:) I think his brother JD is pretty hot:) I liked watching Mark Chadwick a stunt coordinator teach Criss how to take a hit from a car-OUCH! I would love to go see him one day at Houdini's grave that he visits every year. Houdini died on Halloween I find that really interesting don't you? It seems Criss goes to Magick Castle in Hollywood California alot too I never even knew about that place till his show, would love to see him there too among others:) I was really upset I wanted to join the Criss Angel fan club but Phil got so worked up about it I deleted the webpage. He thinks I like Criss because I want to get jiggy with him but it's not just physical I love the great magic Criss does and the way he is with family and fans. I wish I so wish I could get Phil to understand that because it hurts me so much that he gets so worked up about something that isn't. Like Criss would just show up and take me to bed get real right?When I was younger I watched David Copperfiled alot, I hear he is doing a show in Vancouver soon, I wouldn't mind seeing him if he came to Victoria. I would so go see Criss if he came, but my brother says he doubts Criss would come to canada, that made me sad:(I love Kathryn Morris off of Cold Case she is a wonderful actress and seems really down to earth.It's wierd to see Camryn Manheim on Ghost Whisperer this year. I've always been a fan of hers. I want to get my ears done like hers:) Odd but true fact:) I've never played Marco Polo can someone please tell me how the hell this game works what is the point of it?I did not know amityvilee was in New york, another reason for me to go to new york huh Barb? I gotta get there one day soon I think about it all the time:) it's in oceanville?I want to try out that new antidepressant cymbalta is anyone else on it? Does it help? I am wondering if it really helps with the physical symptoms of depression, if it does that would be so damn great:)48hrs oct 28 2006-The Church of scientology Ellie "Perkins" Think it is crap they put down psychiatry killed by Jeremy now being treated for schizophrenia.I saw on the news not too long ago that our military is no longer gonna require people to pass the physical, they will now get passed on to a trainer. Also they apparently will be able to enroll at a younger age, WTF? I am bewildered by this!I am curious to see the documentary coming out on attempted suicide called THE BRIDGE alot of controversy apparently over it.Book: Fatal FamiliesMake A Wish FoundationThe Movie Loves Music Loves to Dance 2001 was a good movie; Patsy Kensit & Justin Louis. Kept me guessing till the end, way fucked up. Not many movies keep me intrigued lately this one did and watched it on the women's network:)Oh did you hear about the Meth bust that was so huge they said it will hugely affect colorado. They called it the Elmo bust as he had 4lbs of meth of just some of the meth they found in these guys. A 19yr old was the ring leader I heard about this on October 26 2006 I am just shocked by that news, poor elmo:(I found a new drink I like it's called VEX a blue drink hard blueberry, raspberry, lemonade, 7%vol. tastes like a blue freezie:)2 of the new shows I like this year is 20 good years and Till Death both are so funny I almost pee myself laughing, omg those are definetly hits this year!Lisa Williams-Life Among the DeadI love the song by Jewel- It's Gonna Be AlrightOther songs I want- I want a ManOkay I am getting hooked on Gene Simmons Family Jewels his kids are so remarkably normal. I love it, and his beautiful wife. I can't believe he had security stop him and not know who he was Holy Stupid Fucking People! Lady you gave canadian security a bad name not knowing who he was *hangs head in shame for our canadians* Ever heard of KISS? aaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh?I liked on More Haunted Houses- VJ Houseman*Psychic & Cari Roy*Psychic they were very good:)Voodoo Margaret Very good and interesting lady:) I have written here no one knows where baby but can't read the name I wrote but mom was Jane. Hull House used to help care for babies and mothers who had been turned away and had no where to go. There was a baby that was said to be a demon baby but was just born without limbs and they took it in. This story so touched my heart. I love stories like that. It is sick how cruel people can be just because the baby was missing it's limbs, made me cry. I am fascinated by the story of Sarah Winchester I want to know more. I want to go visit the place she had built which is now a tourist attraction. She was the heir to the winchester fortune which is guns and was bothered by the death of that. So she was somehow felt to build with the money she had and built an eccentric building. The building had no sense to it, tiny windows, no way to hallways ect. At some point apparently a hurricane took it down leaving 2 rooms and she took this as a sign to build backwards. Apparently she was taken with the number 13 which only fascinates me more and was used in building this building which would have things like 13 stairs and 13 windows ect. Her will had 13 parts and was signed 13 times. She slept in different rooms each nigh believing the spirits would not find her, however she did not elude them foever she slept her last night in one of the rooms. In her safe was found only 2 locks of hair the locks to her dead husband and child of long ago. That alone touches me. 13 touches me too as it is a very important number and beloved number in our family for many reasons and has touched our lives many times and probably will again.Oh that sucks Mary's ex boyfriend gets to go to disney I have always wanted to go:( No fair!

Jumbled Lives

This year has just been such a jumble in life. Changes with me and all my kids. Changes with Phil and I. Now changes with my brother and Christine. Now Phil off work and not being able to do a damn thing. Life has really just truly sucked this year. It seems every year you think another year gone can't get much worse yet it comes and there it goes to get worse. I can honestly say I hate life more and more every day! But I am probably not alone in that. Sure there is lots of people int his world who feel the same way.
Why is it nothing every works out the way you want it to? Like life is destined to bite you in the ass just when you think your about to be happy?
Ya know since Doug and I started talking and I saw him finally, he just disappeared into the blue again? Like seeing me just made me worthless to him and he was better off not seeing me, I am confused: '(
Has anyone checked out my site http://www.petster.com/LadyIllusions/
I can say I am happy my brother bought me a ticket to go see Motley Crue and Aerosmith for my birthday I am so excited I just light up when I talk about it my friend Sherri is going with me too:) We are in row 11 so we are actually not too far back. I can't believe my brother actually bought it for my bday. I think that is the best thing to happen to me this year.
Oh I have to say I watched Gene Simmons Family Jewels cause I had nothing else to watch wow his kids are so normal and he is so funny. I loved watching the show. I can't believe there were people who actually did not know who he was that was so harsh lol.
Ya know I was thinking the other day it was commented to me how someone was gonna go back to smoking gain back their weight change back to who they were ect and how that was so bad. At first I agreed and then I was thinking if they change back maybe they weren't happy when they made those changes, maybe they made those changes feeling they had to because otherwise the love wouldn't be there like they should be. When did it be ok to put conditions on love? It seems now a days if there is not conditions on love then there is no love. Like with Doug I knew I had to never be negative, I had to always be positive, I knew I had my libidio stay strong. I knew what to say and not to say. I knew my bipolar kept him from moving in and that my lack of working and having disability kept him from marrying me. I am not stupid. Phil he always tells me he wouldn't have to yell at me or at us if we would just do what he tells us to do or do what he wants us to do. If it were HIS way all the time then he wouldn't have to yell. So I cry and I have to feel worthless because I just don't ever get it good enough for him. If I gained too much he would leave. Yeah there is another one for you. Doug never took me out when I weighed more, but when I lost weight he started to. Even then it was little. When did love come with conditions? How come it's not unconditional anymore, at what point in centuries did unconditional love happen? I wish I knew what it was to feel love for who I am just me just for who I am and for who my kids are, but have come to realize that doesn't exisit except in nursery rhymes. Why I am wasting peoples time by writing about it is beyond me. Anyhow off for now...

Phil Was In An Accident

Well Phil is off work, he got into an accident going to work and they think may have got hurt even worse at work. I met up with him at the hospital from his work on monday night and he fractured his elbow bone on the right and fracture his finger on the left hand. He was casted up on monday but had a CT scan on tuesday and now has an immobilizer on. They say he will be rechecked in 3 weeks right now he has escaped surgery but surgery may still be an option. If surgery happens they will be removing a bone. He is still applying to the military, just will put off his going in a little longer as they say he is off work at least 8 weeks :'( Roger has dropped off a bunch of stuff here, I call him at his place to wake him up every afternoon. I watched Kailar today was fun he is so good and easy to care for. Just tiring cause I been helping care for Phil too. My dad picked him up at work and took him to hospital. I called his mom at the hospital. His mom came to see him. His family all has been great and supportive. His family really loves him. He has been really loving towards me, says he thinks he got hurt so he would see he needs to love me more and be with me more and yada yada yada before he is off to the military. I just keep telling him to lay down and go sleep and I make sure he is on his meds regularly. I am glad he has his mom to support him. I worry about her too lately, she seems sore and is loosing alot of weight, I think about her alot! Sadly she lost one of her birds she was trying to save lately. It's always sad to loose an animal we care for. My newt disappeared, I didn't cry but I was super upset about it. I hope to get a couple newts when I got to salt spring. Maybe pay the kids a few bucks to get a couple in Aunty Jo's backyard again.My brother says he is gonna move back to the USA. My son has mentioned on many occasion he also wants to move to the USA. God the two of them are so alike. Roger says he is going to be a motivational speaker. I told him he has the experiences in life to be one too and one people will want to listen to. I am sure he could be one of those speakers you end up watching a show about on dateline :) Still nothing from Doug, wondering if he found a chick to lay on his plenty of fish site. Cause his dad said I missed him at their place and his phone is always right to voicemail. Apparently Michael meets ladies online as well. Ya know though I had met Doug on Monday Magazine and never for a moment regretted it. Phil however I met through my daughter, he used to take her friend and her out and so we met that way. Wierd but true :0 I'm getting more excited as the time gets closer to getting a tat or two. I am trying to convince Phil to get his favorite megatron transformer tattooed on him. With his nickname MegatronPro with it. The meds the doctor put him on for pain my dad says is an opiate pretty much prescription heroin on to joy. It's called: Dilaudid it pretty much just dulls his pain. So he has a couple motrin super strength as well.Anyhow here is some left overs and I am off:Tako-Davie Fl on Aleve Commercial wow he's hot!Never knew there was Hypnos god of sleep and he has a twin they work with Hades God of the Underworldhttp://www.shortperiod.com http://www.volvocarsus.com who would you give a volvo to? Know any up and coming sports prospects watch perrysprospects@ctv.ca http://www.freshenergy.com http://www.candlemard.com http://www.ytv.com http://www.victoriaball.com http://www.drphil.com http://www.aadac.com Alberta Alcohol & Drug Abuse Commission http://www.shadowshopper.com http://netpanel.researchbynet.com http://www.ballyrealage.com I love the drink called the Blue Lagoon Vodka, Blue Carakoe and sprite yummmmmmmmm.I watched a documentary on msnbc reports Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here: Kentucky State PenetentariaryA great Pen I think but two prisoners who have taken my interest is Victor Hiatt Looks like your average man & apparently is the most violent inmate surprises me and makes me very curious as to him as a person. The other is:Fleece Johnson, hard to believe he was considered one of the worst violent criminals when he went in as he seems like a great guy now. I'd love to talk to him and get to know how all that changed.

Happy Turkey Day, & More

Well I made turkey today for my brother, Phil and I. Turned out ok. Now all is quiet. I talked to Mary and then to DJ. DJ was a little harder I told him of all the changes and he automatically jumped to the conclusion I was setting it up to ask him to move back home. The thing is I don't have that on my mind at all because at his age why would I do that now? Everyone knows I have no thought of that at all. It almost feels like he wants me to ask him that, but I truly don't want to ask him that. If he ever came back it would be because it was on his motives, on his want and need. I hate right now how he inisists I kicked him out when I never did, he got mad at me for needing a 2 day break and left. I really wanted him to come home that weekend :'( He thinks that because I told him Sarah misses him I was trying to guilt trip him on the bus saying that that day. OMG I was stating the obvious, she does miss him ALOT! I hate fighting with him, I love him so much he is a great kid, I miss him and think about him all the time. Everyday for the last 5 days I have had very vivid dreams about him, so vivid I want to cry when I wake up. Why do we have such dreams?
Anyhow Phil is applying to the military, looks like if he goes into that he will soon be gone from victoria and I will not even have him to call :( His sister who is called his sister but isn't just got into the military leaves in a few weeks.
Roger and Christine aren't together so he has come here for a bit. He is talking about moving back to the USA. I kinda had a feeling he'd go back to the USA if that ever happened. Kinda makes me sad but one has to do what makes them happy.
Mary wants to move back still. Then there is just Sarah and I. She is pretty busy with her schedule and we do try to go out alot more often.
Phil and I had fun watching Kailar last week, we get to watch him again this week. He is a sweet kid :)
Doug seems to be busy, wonder if he finally found a chick who isn't calling him down. I know one chick had his interest so... Him and the place he works for got their heads shaved for cops for cancer. He says it's cold.
Went to Langford last week to check out Dollar Giant awesome store. I really like it but not how hard it is to get to if you use public transportation! Phil and I got in a fight on the road I hated it and I just wanted to get away. Getting in a fight out in public makes things so so so much worse. I fricken hate fighting!
I got a few text messages on my phone yesterday saying:
from: Chris Williams: Subject: 1/2 msg: Phil honey y didur x call me the other day saying ur engaged when ur not i thought it was funny u didn't tell her about me & u & t
msg: he kids nice trytrying 2 cal
msg: call me on my other line when she was talking 2 me oh was she mad that i was a girl but doesntshe know we still c eachother &uc
msg: um c thekids2 cyl love ya
How would you think and feel if your fiancee got messages like this on your cell? I am to say the least super choked!!! Phil says he has never been like that with her and he knows nothing about it or why she is doing this. I don't know what to think, feel or believe :'(
I was actually going to blog the other day on how would you feel if for as long as you've been together the person you've been with has been physically distant and then out of the blue is just hugely physically gropey and all over you, can't get enough. How do you take that? Do you think something is up or different? I mean it's made me just wonder what is up. I'm confused and now all the sudden this texting crap. Could the two be realated or am I just paranoid?
Anyhow here is written down and email stuff: I was excited to see Meatloaf has Bat Out Of Hell 3 is coming out in stores and going on tour? Is this so OMFG I love it, I love Meatloaf
http://ladyillusions.badoo.com/ http://tabbytime.petster.com/LadyIllusions http://www.matchfm.com/ I'm Sattorie http://www.onlinebootycall.comI'm LadyIllusions
http://www.theurcinvestigates.com or is it org? http://www.bestfriends.org http://www.beaches.com http://vampirefreaks.com http://www.amandatusing.com http://www.kidsmiles.ca The Legacy http://www.waramps.ca Ducks Unlimited http://www.ducks.ca
The B.C. Association for Community Living (BCACL) and the Provincial Government of British Columbia have proclaimed October as Community Living Month. Throughout the month, communities around the province and across Canada host Community Living Month events to celebrate the abilities and achievements of people with developmental disabilities. This year provides so many reasons to celebrate community living. Every day, I am overwhelmed and inspired by the unparalleled dedication and leadership of people with developmental disabilities and their families in our communities. Community Living Month makes us stop and take the time to celebrate our lives together.2006 marks BCACL's 10th anniversary of celebrating Community Living Month. Ten years ago, the last person with a developmental disability living in a large institution in BC moved to their home in the community. This year, we celebrate the United Nations’ Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. This convention clearly recognizes equal value, rights and contributions of people with developmental disabilities and their families to an extent never attained before in international law. We invite you to sign the Declaration to Create an Inclusive & Accessible Canada at www.endexclusion.ca. It is a Canada wide initiative designed to celebrate successes of people with disabilities. Join BCACL in supporting this initiative along with the Canadian Association for Community Living, the Council of Canadians with Disabilities and provincial and national partners. Add your voice to the thousands of citizens across Canada to end exclusion and celebrate the achievements we have made in advancing the rights of people with disabilities. Any effort you can make to help foster pride in our collective efforts to create communities which are welcoming of all abilities, can play a significant role in forging a greater sense of equality, acceptance and understanding within our society as a whole.

Manic Phase, Watch Out

Well wow here I am again. If you haven't guessed it yet, the last 2 or 3 weeks I have been in a huge manic phase. Thus why the doctor upped my meds to try and settle things back down. However unlike my psychiatrist she doesn't listen to me and goes alot slower with my meds. Which I guess could be a good thing, but doesn't feel so good when I feel the way I feel right now. I see her again in a week and a half, which I made sure to book just in case the med change wasn't going to be enough (as I knew it probably wouldn't be). I wish they had a pill that could just shut off all running thoughts, could shut of bad memories and that could completely turn off the pain. Not the physical pain that I am used to I would rather deal with the physical pain. It's the emotional pain because you can't touch it, you can't see it, you can't do a fucking thing about it but cry. I write about it, but that makes me cry more. I grew up where crying was not acceptable. Go to your room and cry, or do you want something to cry about? That is what we got. When I was with Doug somehow the phone would get disconnected or he would leave or fall offline. I learned with him if I had negative emotions to keep them to myself, he had enough negativity in his life and at work. Then there is Phil. Women cry to be manipulative little bitches, or we cry over anything and everything. It pisses him off pretty bad so I try I really try not to cry in front of him. Cause when I do it just makes it so much worse. Even my best friend Sherri has said I cry about everything. So yeah over time I have tried hard to just keep any tears I have to myself because I have learned crying in front of others will make it all that much worse. Crying won't solve a damn thing, it's stupid and should be controlled!
So anyway yeah I am on a manic up and down like you wouldn't believe it's almost hour by hour thing, sometimes minute by minute. One minute I am on a huge adreniline wanna clean everything, go do everything moment. The next I feel dead to the world and cranky tired. Just want to be left alone. My thoughts are scattered. I envy those who have their Bipolar under control for years, I would love to finally be there too. I know I am getting there but I want to already be there:'(
Some days I do ok just being Sarah and I. But then something happens or I see or hear something and I just feel like the earth has fallen out from under me and my world isn't right. Yesterday Mary called she got to go shopping with a friend of Michael's and was spoiled rotten, told her sounds like things are pretty good. She changes quick and says no just was fun with her at that moment. She's asked to come home at Christmas and I am feeling very conflicted about it. I am just torn up I don't know what to do. I miss her so much but she is so hard to deal with:'( Then DJ called today asked for me by my name that hurt. He wanted to know what spice I used when I cook my chicken:) Everyone loves my Cajun Chicken. I have to credit Michael he got me started with one recipe and I kinda expanded it. Now everyone is hooked on it. I guess I should be happy for the call but I miss him so much. It is ripping me up so much inside. I think about him everyday, he is so much like my brother and I, and I could talk to him about anything and everything. I realize now maybe I talked to him about too much I forgot he is just a kid not an adult and that was wrong. The one thing I hate is now Sarah thinks she has to be my protector. If she catches me crying she wants to fix it. If she sees me fighting she wants to protect me. So I am trying to keep everything low key and happy for her. Her and I go out alot. We shop and go downtown. We take pictures, go to her sports she's in. I am very proud of her, she is doing so much, sometimes I can't believe I gave birth to so much talent. When people ask if that is my daughter because she's so good I can't help but smile and proudly say yes she is and thanks. She is gonna be great you watch, one day in the papers and on TV she'll be in the sports section!!! She says she will say thanks to mom, dad and uncle bobbie(shakes head-from family guy, if she does that I am gonna scream lol).
Tomorrow is gonna be a long day we get to go watch Kailar for the day, Sarah has early day and soccer practise, and Phil's brother Rick's fiance Liz's bday is tomorrow and there is a dinner for her that we're supposed to go to. We shall see. As I said we keep busy and are almost always on the go now. I guess that is partially the reason for my lost weight.
I have about a cazillion pics to go through and edit so I can post them, I so need a CD burner I am sure I have a ton of space eaten up by the pics:) Phil says I take too many pics. Yeah well he buys too many Transformers lol. He has 3 or 4 more transformers he bought on ebay.
I did ask for transfer papers, depending on what I decide about Miss Mary I may transfer out of here.
I've been considering going to a chiropracter for my back, but when I saw wifeswap last night it looked so painful when the little girl was getting cracked and my dad told me when he went he felt worse after than he did when he went in. I noticed the other day that my one arm has really bumpy bumps on the bone, I was massaging it because it felt a little sore. I had a couple other people feel it and yep they said it feels wierd too. Great another spot where my bones are gonna be screwed up, like my back is not bad enough? I've had tendinitis for about 12yrs but it has been pretty good last couple yrs only lately has it been acting up. It sucks:(
I was so insulted today on Law & Order Criminal Intent they asked who would have 'O Canada' as a ringtone as if it were a bad thing. Hello? I have had it as a ring tone. Bad Law and Order writers I cannot believe that was written into the storyline. I am a little peeved by that!
I wanted to put this link before I forget, I have watched every Big Brother except the first one I cannot believe Chill Town won, and I think Mike only won because of Will. (shakes head) http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/big_brother_7/2006_Sep_13_mike_boogie_wins
Have you ever had something that if you see it or hear it a trigger goes off in your head? I have a few but one that I have and have tried to overcome because it didn't happen to me but someone I love and care about is duct tape. I watch alot of crime shows and true life crime ect and in watching those alot of scenes come up with people tied up or muffled with that and I always feel like puking and/or crying and I get flashbacks to something that happened when I was younger to someone else. I always wonder if it triggers them since it happened to them.
I have done alot of reading on siblings and their place in the family. I am the oldest of 3. Yet alot of people have mistaken me for the youngest. Actually it is me, then my sister and then my brother. I am the slower of the 3, and both my sister and my brother when I was younger had come to my defense. We are all very different.
Hmmmm well I had more to write but I have to go take my meds now. I just finished talking to my brother and changes have come to his life, which is bringing changes to my life. One good thing from it is being able to be a good big sister. I love being there for my little brother. I love to know that he knows he can always, always come to to me no matter what. Anyone who gets to be in my brothers life should hold him tight because he will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Trust me he is a keeper and I am sure his wife knew that to her dying day. I only hope he finds someone else to love him like she did again....
Anyhow some emails sent to me and am pasting here and laterz all....
Sunday night King Ring Nancy signed a record deal with DeadBunny Records and a management Deal also! We are proud to say we will be working under the care of Mr. Dixon Christie from this day on. Also our album is coming along very well and completion of the album is not far off.
It Must Be Nice To Be A Man...Because:1. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 2. Wrinkles add character. 3. The occasional well-renderedbelch is practically expected. 4. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut onto a bolt. 5. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. 6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 7. No one stares at your boobs when you’re having a conversation. 8. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 9. ONE mood, ALL the damn time. 10. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
For over 25 years, NAMI has been committed to raising awareness and promoting research into the causes and cures for mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health, and even the priority of NIMH in the larger research arena, has enjoyed a growth in funding due in no small part to NAMI advocacy. NAMI's tireless efforts to advocate for mental illness has resulted in a public investment in research and greatly influenced the private sector to expand its commitment as well. NAMI will celebrate its second annual Unmasking Mental Illness Gala in Washington, D.C. on October 18, 2006. The event will spotlight NAMI's commitment to promoting research into the causes, treatment, and cure for mental illnesses and will be attended by members of Congress, political leaders, and an honor roll of scientists and researchers. Patty Duke will present the 2006 NAMI Mind of America Scientific Research Award to Charles L. Bowden, M.D., for his seminal research on bipolar disorder. The $50,000 Award recognizes a scientist whose research has led to a greater understanding of mental illness. Specific treatments and significant advances in mental illness research are on the horizon; NAMI recognizes the federal government's role in supporting enhanced funding for public research, partnering with ongoing private research.In the coming months, NAMI will launch a federal advocacy initiative focused on new treatments, scientific breakthroughs, and ultimately a cure for mental illness. We can't do this alone. Find out about ways you can support NAMI as we move forward with our commitment to research through our Donation Center. (http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Donate&lstid=747) Learn more about the Gala and how you can attend (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Unmasking_Mental_Illness_Gala&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=25805)
Canadians in Hell:
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."