Manic Phase, Watch Out

Well wow here I am again. If you haven't guessed it yet, the last 2 or 3 weeks I have been in a huge manic phase. Thus why the doctor upped my meds to try and settle things back down. However unlike my psychiatrist she doesn't listen to me and goes alot slower with my meds. Which I guess could be a good thing, but doesn't feel so good when I feel the way I feel right now. I see her again in a week and a half, which I made sure to book just in case the med change wasn't going to be enough (as I knew it probably wouldn't be). I wish they had a pill that could just shut off all running thoughts, could shut of bad memories and that could completely turn off the pain. Not the physical pain that I am used to I would rather deal with the physical pain. It's the emotional pain because you can't touch it, you can't see it, you can't do a fucking thing about it but cry. I write about it, but that makes me cry more. I grew up where crying was not acceptable. Go to your room and cry, or do you want something to cry about? That is what we got. When I was with Doug somehow the phone would get disconnected or he would leave or fall offline. I learned with him if I had negative emotions to keep them to myself, he had enough negativity in his life and at work. Then there is Phil. Women cry to be manipulative little bitches, or we cry over anything and everything. It pisses him off pretty bad so I try I really try not to cry in front of him. Cause when I do it just makes it so much worse. Even my best friend Sherri has said I cry about everything. So yeah over time I have tried hard to just keep any tears I have to myself because I have learned crying in front of others will make it all that much worse. Crying won't solve a damn thing, it's stupid and should be controlled!
So anyway yeah I am on a manic up and down like you wouldn't believe it's almost hour by hour thing, sometimes minute by minute. One minute I am on a huge adreniline wanna clean everything, go do everything moment. The next I feel dead to the world and cranky tired. Just want to be left alone. My thoughts are scattered. I envy those who have their Bipolar under control for years, I would love to finally be there too. I know I am getting there but I want to already be there:'(
Some days I do ok just being Sarah and I. But then something happens or I see or hear something and I just feel like the earth has fallen out from under me and my world isn't right. Yesterday Mary called she got to go shopping with a friend of Michael's and was spoiled rotten, told her sounds like things are pretty good. She changes quick and says no just was fun with her at that moment. She's asked to come home at Christmas and I am feeling very conflicted about it. I am just torn up I don't know what to do. I miss her so much but she is so hard to deal with:'( Then DJ called today asked for me by my name that hurt. He wanted to know what spice I used when I cook my chicken:) Everyone loves my Cajun Chicken. I have to credit Michael he got me started with one recipe and I kinda expanded it. Now everyone is hooked on it. I guess I should be happy for the call but I miss him so much. It is ripping me up so much inside. I think about him everyday, he is so much like my brother and I, and I could talk to him about anything and everything. I realize now maybe I talked to him about too much I forgot he is just a kid not an adult and that was wrong. The one thing I hate is now Sarah thinks she has to be my protector. If she catches me crying she wants to fix it. If she sees me fighting she wants to protect me. So I am trying to keep everything low key and happy for her. Her and I go out alot. We shop and go downtown. We take pictures, go to her sports she's in. I am very proud of her, she is doing so much, sometimes I can't believe I gave birth to so much talent. When people ask if that is my daughter because she's so good I can't help but smile and proudly say yes she is and thanks. She is gonna be great you watch, one day in the papers and on TV she'll be in the sports section!!! She says she will say thanks to mom, dad and uncle bobbie(shakes head-from family guy, if she does that I am gonna scream lol).
Tomorrow is gonna be a long day we get to go watch Kailar for the day, Sarah has early day and soccer practise, and Phil's brother Rick's fiance Liz's bday is tomorrow and there is a dinner for her that we're supposed to go to. We shall see. As I said we keep busy and are almost always on the go now. I guess that is partially the reason for my lost weight.
I have about a cazillion pics to go through and edit so I can post them, I so need a CD burner I am sure I have a ton of space eaten up by the pics:) Phil says I take too many pics. Yeah well he buys too many Transformers lol. He has 3 or 4 more transformers he bought on ebay.
I did ask for transfer papers, depending on what I decide about Miss Mary I may transfer out of here.
I've been considering going to a chiropracter for my back, but when I saw wifeswap last night it looked so painful when the little girl was getting cracked and my dad told me when he went he felt worse after than he did when he went in. I noticed the other day that my one arm has really bumpy bumps on the bone, I was massaging it because it felt a little sore. I had a couple other people feel it and yep they said it feels wierd too. Great another spot where my bones are gonna be screwed up, like my back is not bad enough? I've had tendinitis for about 12yrs but it has been pretty good last couple yrs only lately has it been acting up. It sucks:(
I was so insulted today on Law & Order Criminal Intent they asked who would have 'O Canada' as a ringtone as if it were a bad thing. Hello? I have had it as a ring tone. Bad Law and Order writers I cannot believe that was written into the storyline. I am a little peeved by that!
I wanted to put this link before I forget, I have watched every Big Brother except the first one I cannot believe Chill Town won, and I think Mike only won because of Will. (shakes head) http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/big_brother_7/2006_Sep_13_mike_boogie_wins
Have you ever had something that if you see it or hear it a trigger goes off in your head? I have a few but one that I have and have tried to overcome because it didn't happen to me but someone I love and care about is duct tape. I watch alot of crime shows and true life crime ect and in watching those alot of scenes come up with people tied up or muffled with that and I always feel like puking and/or crying and I get flashbacks to something that happened when I was younger to someone else. I always wonder if it triggers them since it happened to them.
I have done alot of reading on siblings and their place in the family. I am the oldest of 3. Yet alot of people have mistaken me for the youngest. Actually it is me, then my sister and then my brother. I am the slower of the 3, and both my sister and my brother when I was younger had come to my defense. We are all very different.
Hmmmm well I had more to write but I have to go take my meds now. I just finished talking to my brother and changes have come to his life, which is bringing changes to my life. One good thing from it is being able to be a good big sister. I love being there for my little brother. I love to know that he knows he can always, always come to to me no matter what. Anyone who gets to be in my brothers life should hold him tight because he will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Trust me he is a keeper and I am sure his wife knew that to her dying day. I only hope he finds someone else to love him like she did again....
Anyhow some emails sent to me and am pasting here and laterz all....
Sunday night King Ring Nancy signed a record deal with DeadBunny Records and a management Deal also! We are proud to say we will be working under the care of Mr. Dixon Christie from this day on. Also our album is coming along very well and completion of the album is not far off.
It Must Be Nice To Be A Man...Because:1. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 2. Wrinkles add character. 3. The occasional well-renderedbelch is practically expected. 4. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut onto a bolt. 5. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. 6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 7. No one stares at your boobs when you’re having a conversation. 8. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 9. ONE mood, ALL the damn time. 10. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
For over 25 years, NAMI has been committed to raising awareness and promoting research into the causes and cures for mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health, and even the priority of NIMH in the larger research arena, has enjoyed a growth in funding due in no small part to NAMI advocacy. NAMI's tireless efforts to advocate for mental illness has resulted in a public investment in research and greatly influenced the private sector to expand its commitment as well. NAMI will celebrate its second annual Unmasking Mental Illness Gala in Washington, D.C. on October 18, 2006. The event will spotlight NAMI's commitment to promoting research into the causes, treatment, and cure for mental illnesses and will be attended by members of Congress, political leaders, and an honor roll of scientists and researchers. Patty Duke will present the 2006 NAMI Mind of America Scientific Research Award to Charles L. Bowden, M.D., for his seminal research on bipolar disorder. The $50,000 Award recognizes a scientist whose research has led to a greater understanding of mental illness. Specific treatments and significant advances in mental illness research are on the horizon; NAMI recognizes the federal government's role in supporting enhanced funding for public research, partnering with ongoing private research.In the coming months, NAMI will launch a federal advocacy initiative focused on new treatments, scientific breakthroughs, and ultimately a cure for mental illness. We can't do this alone. Find out about ways you can support NAMI as we move forward with our commitment to research through our Donation Center. (http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Donate&lstid=747) Learn more about the Gala and how you can attend (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Unmasking_Mental_Illness_Gala&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=25805)
Canadians in Hell:
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."