help me find him, help help me find him...

So I am sitting here at 6:33am so exhausted words cannot describe but scared if I go to sleep something more will happen with Daryll and Mary. Last night was bigtime eventful. Mary's wall now has 2 holes it thanks to Daryll. He said he hit the wall so he didn't hit her, good choice either way still a violent reaction. However she took all his clothes into the bathroom so he couldn't pack them and it took me about 10 mins to get to her and get him his clothes. Oh it was over her dead body that he was going back to Port. God she reminds me so much of how things went down with her father and I. She has had a headache all day as when Daryll hit the wall she banged her head on the wall she probably gave herself a mild concusion.
Daryll is only supposed to go home for 3 days, however like me at her age and well into my 20's she's panicking that he won't come back and he'll be with someone new. She's worried he'll cheat on her all the time even when he is here. She won't listen when we try to tell her she's making it worse by yelling and screaming at him everytime he says no to someonething, blocking him from leaving her room and/or house and puting him down. I do try to talk to Daryll when he escapes her and is either in tears or so upset or choked he sits down down here. Like I told him today she's never really dealt with the emotion of fear when she gets the emotion fear she deals with it by changing it to anger and having inappropriate behaviour so you have to try and remember that. They do badly need to learn how to deal w2ith one another when anger comes up cause one of them is going to cause major damage to the other if don't do something now.
So we went to mayfair today, Saw DJ omg GIRLS if you want A GORGEOUS, SWEET, LOVING GUY my son is 17 and GORGEOUS he is finally NICELY FORMING OUT. OMG HE IS HOT! i AM SO PROUD TO BE HIS MOMMY:) He has a winter formal coming up but doesn't have a date for it, may just go with the guys. So if your in his age bracket and you are single or know a sweet gal send her DJ's way. He works at Mayfair, he goes to Spectrum high, he GRADUATES this yea 2009r. His bday is in Feb is a pisces and will be 18. He has come a long long way in his life. He deserves a major award just for being my child. I really really wish we could track down his dad before he graduates. DJ has asked me to try and write his dad 1 more time. If anyone out there could help me get that info for me and we could give it to my son you have no idea how hugely a gift that would be for my son, wouldn't couldn't describe it.
Info I can give that I know about DJ's dad:
Born in Ontario(london ont I think but not sure, but was ont)
BRYAN LAURENCE MILLER
Believe his parents names are: Donald & Mary Miller they reside in North Bay Ontario
Siblings(I'm not 100% sure but I think they are):
Kevin(went to queens university*I think*), Mark, Andrea?
They owned McDonalds(I know they had 1, then I was told 2, and then I heard 3. Last I heard recently they sold them & are now retired)
Parents still live in the same house by Lake nippissing glen drive something like that, it was being renovated when I was visiting there
I believe his bday is July 29/72 (not 100% on that but I am sure that is pretty close if not bang on)
He went to Scollard Hall (sp?) High School, he often wore his jacket from there
He played on the football team from the school
In his room I believe he had a collection of pop cans around his bed for the life of me I cannot remember if it was coke or pepsi I didn't go right into the room just in the hallway
He went to france after grade 12 to do his last year of school june 1990 graduation
I believe he went to the western university of ontario would have been sept 1991
Bryan was a major jock but not into basketball
Chocolate gave him an easy high
Last I heard Bryan may have been residing in Ottawa but I can't say for sure. I also heard he recently got married.
he liked to play minigolf, that was actually our first date and we shared a chocolate shake and chocolate sunday; oddly enough chocolate gets DJ a high as well
DJ has known about Bryan all of his life. Anything & everything I could remember DJ knows about. I believe kids need to be told the truth. It bothers me when kids have like 3-4 and more dad's. You can have other dad figures but your father is your father. PERIOD. They can be an ass or worse but he's still your dad. Same goes for mom. *sigh*
DJ is now the age his father was when we got pregnant with DJ. I've told DJ it was 1 time, that 3teens do stupid things and don't always think things through. I also remind him that he's now 17 almost 18 think about his friends and him and it's not hard to imagine that things sometimes go too far. I know I should have not given in to the nonstop pushing and pushed back and said no out loud not just in my head. That night is so clear in my head I relive it alot I hate it because once it starts I can't stop it I have to finish replaying it and I just cry and throw up. He looks just like his dad right now and getting a bigger chest that's what he was missing he is finally filling out he's so happy and I am so proud. Mary says he's getting fat. NOT NICE MARY!
We're supposed to get snow tomorrow I love snow but not here, BC drivers cannot drive:(
Anyhow am off for now. Hey if you spot any fairies, tell them this single mom would love to shake their wands and remind santa to visit me, yes?/no? maybe? :( and the elves can come clean up here cause Mary and I are in too much pain to be moving much and that truly sucks:( hopefully ultrasound will find the culprit and we can the screwup and then I can be normal again stupid pain and when it shoots holdy crap it shoots like hell!

HEY OJ Congrats on your guilty verdict:):):):)

Come on now di he even have any chance at all of not coming out of this trial without being guilty? This was like angry sex trial, like I am so gonna get you back you mother.....Everyone wanted him to suffer and he was not gonna screw america twice we all knew it world wide! He could have stolen a lollipop from a baby and gave it back ha in Jail you bastard! If I Did It... Are you kidding me OJ??? Are you really that stupid? You really think writing that book wasn't gonna get you screwed? Your ass is gonna be slammed so bad. You had no chance in the court this time, your name was all the jurors needed to say guilty. You were tried in the court of public opinion it really didn't matter if you killed Nicole or not public opinion says your black ass did it so now your going to jail bye bye OJ hope you enjoyed your freedom while you had it:) The Goldmans finally got you sentenced wow how did that happen huh?I guess you have lots of time to think about that where your going...For the record I was one of the few who actually believed OJ may not have been guilty that the facts may look like he could have doesn't mean the puzzle pieces fit, but that book If I did it that disgusted me

The Games People Play & On To Other Things...

If this does not completly copy come to my facebook to read the rest at:
facebook my profile is Angela MacRae http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816
You know what I hate? I hate the games others play with others deeper personal emotions. They work on you assuring you can trust them and if that doesn't work, they get you when your vulnerable, say like when your drunk or maybe high on painkillers and are not able to think clearly. Acting like they care and you can trust them. But quickly afterwards you find out it was all a game, like the games you had in highschool. Do you remember how when you and your boyfriend would be so cutsie wootsie and so much more emotional when their friends weren't around but soon as their friends were around they'd be all hey baby like what the hell go find your friends I'm busy right now like get a life whatever...Yeah they just perfect that game as adults. They don't need their friends around to do it. Now with the net you can get dumped even easier you don't even get dumped you look on your profile and suddenly they are not there anymore and your all like wtf? Or you sned them text message and they are all like leave me alone. WTF? Girls do it too, actually some girls can be worse then men. I think it hurts when you have been single a good long while didn't want to lay trust in anyone and some dumb fuck decides to take it as a challenge only to say ha I win dudes she's used goods now. Like why do guys do that shit why do they enjoy causing that kind of pain? I honestly don't think I have ever done that and I would never do that. All of my relationships have been long term and I believe I truly loved each of them deeply. I care about peoples feelings and If I hurt them it leaves me feeling shitty unless I hurt them verbally which I know was always done out of pain as I have always done so out of my pain of being attacked about me, my kids or those I love. I do try to get away from the situation now before I say something I regret.
I have to say I don't regret anyone I have been with I may not like the way it happened or the way it ended but something in me cared for them at the time. I have to say the most recent makes me laugh another Mike I think I need to keep away from Mikes they all end badly not like horrible badly just badly in different ways. A few of us think this recent Mike may not have been telling the whole truth about his situation. My daughter thinks I should tell his friends and write it on his wall and just completely out him. but no I'm fine with it. Everything happens for a reason, although I can be vengeful just really don't care I feel karma has him marked anyhow. Funny my daughter reminds me so much of the old me I hate it. Bothers me alot, I keep wishing she would take what I learned and that I changed and go with that but instead she is repeating my old behaviour and when I talk to her about it she says how does it feel to watch it happening like I did? Like a punch in the gut. I just tell her don't do it for the many years I did. What bothers me too is I spent time one night talking to her bf and she was mad when she finally came home, she told me she is not a little girl anymore that I can't fix everything. I wanted to cry. I want to help, I want to fix, it's hard just to listen o her and her bf work it out alone. I always thought when my kids were teens it would be so much fun, however my son he has actually said sometimes you need a stern parent not a friend. That's hard. I had hardass dad really hardass military hardass and I don't want to be like that. Teens are very hard to raise. I keep thinking my 2 oldest are almost adults. My psychiatrist has said I am already going through empty-nest syndrome. Everytime they talk about moving out on their own I just cry and panic I feel like their leaving me. I know it's inevitable. But it's hard for me to deal with.

UPDATE: I HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE MIKE WAS A MAN HE STOOD UP HE TOOK WHAT HE DID AND HE ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED! So apparently there is guys out there who even though can do lousy acts can still be sweet but confused. Things happened that just went too fast and I think both of us got hurt or at the very least confused. I have to say thankyou Mike for apologizing and standing up and being honest although it took some words and a little ache it means the world to me that my trust was not misguided in the end you stood up to some big things that most wouldn't that will always mean alot to me. I'm glad we can remain friends, I only wish more men were like you *hugs*

So I swear to God lately service seems to be bad everywhere we go lately. We went to thrifty foods at admirals walk a few days ago and we wanted 3 egg sandwhiches and they said they were just finishing making it up. So we went and got drinks and came back. They were acting very confused. Eventually they figured out where the egg mix was and then where the bread was. Then omg were all confused about items to put on the sandwhiches got them all wrong, but we were in a hurry and weren't in the mood to try and get them to do it right. We were so frustrated. Just grabbed them and went to pay for them. Must have been a bad day cause there too we had issues with the lady at the till. A customer was trying to find out if there was money on her gift cards so she could reload them and the lady at the till looked like could not figure out what she wanted and finally figured out how to check them then was unsure how to reload them, finally she got it done and we were rung through we were in there entirely way too long!

I'm on the lookout for more victoria frances posters. I totally love her work. It would be awesome if the clothes that she puts on the ladies in her work were buyable. I love the dresses I would love to wear them. One thing people do notice when they come to my place is my love of vampires but they don't realize yes I love vampires but if you look at all the posters although their vampires they are victoria frances.

If you are a pet owner cat or dog buy them GREENIES I have no idea what the hell is in these treat but my cats go crazy for the chicken ones. I am not kidding, there is something about these treats that drives them crazy. My cat CASPER when I got a trial treat for them came down stairs into the livingroom climbed up onto the table and right to the GREENIES. My cats have only ever done something like that with catnip. For dogs they even have cookies.. For a free sample go to http://www.greenies.com they even have ones you can put their pills in if they have to take medication. I never have advocated anything for animals before but these treats are amazing and they help clean their teeth.

So we've been trying those thinsations we like the oreo ones the best and there is lots the commercial is not kidding when they say there is lots, there certainly are. I also like the peek freans shortcake ones.
I also love the Quaker granola crunchers the chocolate flavour only 90 calouries for a package. we've tried the Quaker Crispy delights also 90 calories a pkg chocolaty drizzle & vanilla drizzle we didn't like either they tasted like styrofoam
We always have the lean quisine lasagna we love although when they changed it up we were not impressed but go5t used to it. Lately we tried Stouffer's lasagna and metballs didn't go over so well. However we tried Roast turkey OMFG it was actually way beyond what we expected, so we bought the big version-SO NOT WORTH IT. all it add is green beans and YUCKO they went in the garbage, we won't be buying the large version again!
Mary tried the new OhHenry cookies and didn't take more than 2 bites she thought they were disgusting.
I recently found Tropical Orange Smoothie Flavour Bacardi Breezer OMG it is so good if you like orange creamsicles you would love this it's like mega awesome:)
My new laundry soap is Gain Soothing Sensations Lavender Lilac Moment Goes really well with my Bounce Lavender febreeze OMG when I washed my bedding in it for the first time, I could smell it soon as I walked in my room. I LOVE LAVENDER! I love Lilacs as well. Mary says she is sick of lavendar I buy Febreeze in as many products as I can because they now have it in lavender. The products I use because of the lavender febreeze contained in it is: Mr.Clean magic eraser, Mr. clean cleaner, febreeze spray, bounce, swiffer. I would like to see it in dishsoap. I would love Lavender products for body and hair that are straight strong lavender, body spray as well. It is a natural relaxant for me:)

We bought the stick up bulb it runs on batteries, mine did not work. Mary's is already dead. It comes with 2 tiny bulbs. My suggestion would be don't buy it!

Also scrubbing bulbs recently came out with that device to pop a sticker in your toilet to clean your toilet everyday and to never have to throw it out it just fades away on it's own. Yeah ok. We bought it. It's not a stick it's goo, seriously goo. Trying to think how to compare it, kinda like slime a thick sline. It all sits in this plastic tube for just over $4. You move the thing up kinda like a syringe so it alots the first part of the goo and the goo sits in your toilet. It's green goo. It's about the size of a canadian twoonie. We haven't seen it clean shit. So it's lookin so far like it's $4 to have goo dissolve in our toilet:)

Mary was having mega pain in her right side, we took her to the clinic and they immedietly sent her to the hospital. The nurse told her they would run blood tests get her on an IV. However once the dr came he was really nasty to her, very dismissive. He didn't seem to give two shits about her. Sent her home telling her that it's probably a cyst that is rupturing in her ovary and to take some tylenol and deal with it. Oh I was pissed, but he wasn't listening to me either. Damn it I hate some dr's. She should of at least had an ultrasound to make sure that's what it was!

I saw my dr a few days ago she is running more blood tests she cannot figure out what is going on with me and if the blood tests come back inconclusive again she sending me to an internist. I am not sure what an internist does but if they can figure out what the hell is going on I guess that's what I have to do. I am so tired of going to dr's though:( My dr is like why can't you have something simple wrong. I was like I know I hate it. I just want someone anyone to figure this shit out. I am so tired of passing out for no reason and eating salt to hell and the pain in my muscles and joints is getting more and more unbearable at times. She's doing a test on my calcium level. I told her whatever I drink so much milk it's not funny I can drink 4 litres in 2 days sometimes 1 day and she said that does not mean my body is taking it in. Are you serious?

Oh this is funny: These two guys were parked at the lights down by mayfair mall and all of a sudden this guy threw a fresh cigarette out his window and his friend is yelling and I tell my kid pick it up she won't tell her friend to pick up she doesn't so I go pick it up and throw it back in the trusk *lmfao* The guy had udder shock on his face and didn't know what the hell just happened and everyone is laughing. I had to run and catch the bus and he threw it back out the window lol~so bud if your out there or any of your friends I'm the crazy bitch who threw the cigarette back into the truck lol on douglas street at the lights by mayfair mall.

Another thing I told my daughter I would blog about We were on the bus coming home, both of us had alot of bags to carry so she was on one seat with all her bags and I sat behind her with all my bags. Then some fricken lady got on and she told Mary to move she was sitting there. I couldn't believe Mary listened that was one time that lady was in the wrong there were a bunch of seats open there was so no need to be fricken runde. What the hell is wrong with people?

I love this new show the dr's. I just heard in the state of alabama you have to pay an extra 35 dollars on your insurance if you are overweight a year. That is discriminatory. I think that is a crock if you ask me.

So my house is a little busy right now, Mary's BF is living here until he gets into youth housing. His sister & Mary's friend Maryiln is also here for a couple of weeks until she moves to be with her parents in Port. Her BF has been spending some time here Russell he's a good kid very easy to get along with makes me laugh. I guess he'll be 17 this week. His brother Clarence is up visiting for a few days 18 I believe.
DJ got a job throwing Whak a Ball at the mall I bought 3 egg balls. I believe he is also doing a volunteer job, been attending pre grad parties already and keeping up with school. I'm a little worried he's going to get burnt out. Doing too much. I want this year to be as much fun as possible grad year so much stuff he can get involved with, but I don't want him to do so much he burns out. He's already gotten sick, he only seems to get sick when he overdoes things, so...

I talked to the kids grandma today cause I am PISSED their trying to get Sarah diagnosed as ADHD she does not have any of the AD.... She's been tested I told them she didn't have the pediatrician agreed with me. She has no short term memory which can mock some behaviours, but she's not AD.... I swear to God I am getting tired of Heidi trying to make Sarah be sick, Sarah is a very healthy child. Slow because of he developmental disabilities, her short term memory loss, anemia but otherwise nothing else is wrong with her, GOD IT IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY!! Breathe breathe breathe....

Ok I am going to go now that I am wound up...

Maybe A New beginning? Writing About Binging..

Here I float between the present and the past. somewhere between darkness and light. Is that light ahead or another path of torture disguised as delight? Why do I hold onto the pain so much easier than the happiest times? I have really worked through the last train wreck, i know it wasn't me, I mean there was part of me I stayed I chose to let it go one but I did finally find the courage within to say no more get out. I have never regretted it. The kids really are better for it. But no one forgets 4 yrs of your life. Like I told him recently I don't hate him I hate the sick crap he did! So anyhow..
...Lately I somehow found myself on another path and out of the blue I found giggles and laughter. I found intriguement I thought I had lost. What could this mean? I am trying not to get excited, I always get let down when I get excited. But my whole self being is being reawoken and I don't know I thought I was ready before but Suddenly I think nope NOW I REALLY AM READY.
So it's kinda scary cause uhm parts of me are waking up I forgot I had lol. Part of me wants to shut back down. It's kinda that fight or flight response.
I had an RNY and I wrote something the other day. I would like to write here, actually try to remember it here:
There you are my friend, the friend who is always there for my scary moments, my upset moments, my really happy moments. No one can do what you do. Oh you small so good and the textures you provide are so wonderful. Pure aromatherapy. I can cry and share you with me and no one will laugh or tell me to deal with it. what you bring to me can not be matched by anything else. No one has to know. Behind those closed doors it's just us. As I swallow another bag of chips and the milk goes down so well. Another jos luis oh yes. *tears* you are my true friends you never let me down. Oh the salty fries the glide down so well. Oh I am feeling so fat right now, oh here it comes porcelin bowl my other friend we're on our way and up it comes over and over, the sweats, the rapid heartbeat the tears, sometimes even passing out right there. Make sure that toothbrush is right there to help that last bit come up. Until the next binge my friends.... This was my life until I had the RNY and was actually hosptal while pregnant with my 3rd child as i managed to loose 60lbs doing this, I was angry as they weighed me everyday. I have to admit I have done it a few times since my rny but I get dumping with my rny and when I have binged it makes me sick almost right away so a binge to me wouldn't really count to most people but I feel still shameful!
unfortunately my parents made food a huge issue for us and I think about food 24/7 and thus it's dribbled down to my kids. My oldest he thinks about food but I think he's pretty healthy, my middle child is too skinny she is trying to ain lbs with protien and my youngest hoardes food , I worry about her alot.
My dad used to tell me I was going to look like my mom the whole time I grew up. It deeply affected me.

So anyhow yeah life is kinda changing for me right now, I think I might be moving towards something that could be making me happy:)<

What's In Your Heart & Why Aren't I Running?

Imagine for a moment that your heart was like a big locket that I could snap open and look into, now imagine I took it and looked inside what would I find within your locked walls?
Would I find feathers and rainbows, a place that is like a window opened up waiting for a soul to share what's in their heart to make both complete? Soft music that lulled you both towards one another and as I closed the locket we are one within it dancing like we were always meant to be?
Or would I find a darkened heart that has brinck walls, a dark path filled with lightening storms and rain that led me down a darkned forest that could lead me to a dead end and a place I could drown in?
Maybe it's that heart that at first looks warm and fuzzy but then a wild animal comes out from no where and attacks me and I barely crawl out from the locket taking all I have to close it up.
dare I try to look into each locked heart? I have looked into some dark places before what if the next one burns me alive? What's in your locked up heart? Your heart looks shiny and sweet on the outside dare I believe it is a show of what's to come on the inside? Dare I peek on the inside? My head is rushing, my fingers trembling, you have stepped into the ring, you have my intrigue. You have got this scorpio intrigued. My eyes are huge and my stinger is ready to sting, Like an unsure cat just before another strikes it I am there... dare I get closer dare I try. So many thoughts run through my head. Part of me wants to turn and run, so why aren't I? what is it about you that has my attention and what is it about you that is keeping me here? You already make me smile, you make me laugh, and that special feeling could be a ploy, I should run, so why aren't? What's in your locked heart? caution I must use caution...

A Butterfly awaits Her Knight...

if i looked into your eyes would you look away or would hold my stare? If I touched your skin would you pull me close or kindly pull away? If I leaned in for a kiss, would you refuse it or leanin deep like you'd been waiting for it too? Are you a lonely heart who's scared to find love because it could hurt you, but you also want love because you know it feels so good to have someone close to be with and share life things together with? Are you someone loves someone based on the reue you and not what they carry with them. You love for reasons like they make you laugh, make you weak, , makes you feel things no one else does? Are you strong enough to make a fearful and cautious me come out of her cacoon and be the butterfly that lives within it? Knowing once you do the effort you put in will come back to you in emotion will come back tenfold, so again I ask, If I looked into your eyes would you hold my stare? Do you have the strength to get me out of my caccoon...

Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover...

Close your eyes imagine me by your side. I can feel your breathe on my skin, your hands as they rub my shoulders and move down my back, something magical is happening. How do I stop this feeling, your getting me flushed. I turn and our eyes meet I can't stop it our lips meet omg you make me melt. I haven't been to this place for such a long time. I'm not sure I remember where this place leads to. I am not sure I can stop, I'm not sure I want to. Your hands touch my skin and a fire begins to burn on my skin. I touch your skin and the look in your eyes is soft and yet a touch of fire within your pupils. I can see myself in your eyes and I begin to remember what this used to feel like. I tiny shiver runs up my spine as I feel your fingertip trace up the small of my back. do I dare go further from this place? I feed off the hunger you make so obvious, the scent of your cologne teases my scences and only pulls me closer to you. Something I've gone so long without sems like yesterday with you here tonight. Our shirts fall to the floor and I smile as we fall onto the bed, any nerves I had you've shattered, tonight I wish I was your lover, tonight we will become lovers as our skin burns into one another, as our hands entangle and we become one wild animals leaving all inhibitions on the floor. Yesterdays fears and tears are forgotten and gone, as you tear deeply within me, as I scream out your name and our breath becomes deep and in sync, damn I wish I was lover, and tonight I will be, leaving all inhibitions on the floor...

Bring Back firertalk

years ago I used to be on a program online called FIRETALK. A program I just couldn't have imagined not ever coming into. You talk live and in person as a group of people in a room. Now I know there is other programs that try to be like it but none have ever come close to the way it was on firetalk. I made some awesome friends, real life friends. We laughed together, cried together, and grew together. I think we were like family and many of us still talk and see one another today. But the reality is we still lost some of them. I really believe the feelings and emotions in there were real time and true. No we didn't always get along hello it was real life yes we fought too but that how people who love one another are. Somehow we all always worked things out. Some fell in love, some fell out of love. Some became tighter than others but we were all family knit. We want that back, God knows I want that back. I actually grew to really trust these people I could be myself. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't, and online that is huge these days cause too many people are something their not. I refuse to be something I am not. take the good with the bad or don't take me at all that's how it all comes. Trust me firetalk could be an application you could truly benifit from. If you agree it would be great if you would sign the petition to help us try to get it back, and pass it along....Bringing Back Firetalk http://www.petitiononline.com/Firetalk/petition.html
Let me know your backing me up so that if it does come back you and I will hook up on there ok? *hugs*

I Love Corey Haim Baggage & All, & About Corey feldman

Feldman the thing I am upset about is Feldman going on about how fat he thinks he is. Then goes and has liposuction. That's gotta be putting out good vibes to men and women out there right? suzie thought he looked good, I know his admirers did. His mom was pretty hard on him, God he grew up in a hard home. I'm surprised how well rounded he turned out after hearing out how life growing up was. Corey F. you were fine the way you were and I am sorry you grew up with a mother making you feel low about your looks but you should not feed into her streotypying with such a huge following you are doin the smae to your followers showing them that even your body is not good enough for TV let alone yourself. I hope your happy with your surgery but you did not need it!

Corey Haim I have loved him since he was in lost boys and all his other movies. When he recently admitted he has been a cutter I was like wow he and I have so many things in common. I cry sometimes in the past few episodes of the two Coreys I can see how frustrated he is. I know what it is like to self destruct. You just get that fear and you blow it ithought consciously knowing. I do think he definetly has some chemical problem in the brain like I have bipolar and he does need his meds but sometimes it's hard to not want to just wanna shut things out. I have never take street drugs to do that but I have been at points where I took too many pills just to shut things up in my head. drinking too. I have sedatives that shut everything down at night or I'd be awake at night. seeing nelle cry that was hard but I know she is having a hard time confronting corey H.
I seriously really hope that Corey Haim doesn't crash and burn any further than he already has. I freaked when I heard about the car accident. Wow the world would loose a really special man if we lost him, I am seriously concerned for him and think about him alot, he is in my prayers and thoughts. I am glad the accident was able to be of small measures and no one was hurt let's pray there are no more accidents. We are out here Corey Haim we love you:)

Chef Ramsey

Don't ask me why but I was just sitting here and was thinking what would it be like for a woman to be in in Chef ramsey's life? can you imagine it? Every second word the man uses is fuck. I rather like the show Kitchen nightmares, he'd probably eat me for breakfast lunch and dinner. He'd probably have me crying in about 2.3 secons or less. No way I can watch Hell's Kitchen he chews them out and reeats them so he can spit them out again. I don't know how they get through the abuse. I think to watch Hells Kitchen you have to not have been abused in your lifetime or enjoy abusing or watching abuse of others seriously! Cause me I break down for them I just can't do it, he is one of the harshest men I have ever seen on TV.
Then my mind started to think about some of his softer moments. Some of you are like say what? lol no seriously if you watch his shows you have to have seen when it has come down to health and family ect he actually comes down to earth and is realistic and kind. I think he truly does have a very soft side, he just doesn't show it very often on TV and I think that's how the producers want it to be.
I think I would love to meet him but not for anything more than to just meet him the real him. I am second generation canadian my grandmother is from englad and I don't like the way the english are coming off in alot of the tv shows over the past couple years. My family are not like these judges and stuff and I think that needs to be fixed. Anyhow wierd that I was thinking about him but there ya go.

I don't know whether to be Upset or Pissed

So my dr was in the clinic today unfortunately I missed her and got Dr.Partridge who #1 refused to give me my iron shot, he doesn't do those shots because they could kill you and if my dr wants to kill me she could go at it. omg I was ready to cry and told him then get a dr who will he totally refused!
#2 He refused to give me my normal medication which i totally need and have been tking for god knows how long, told me to get the pharmasy to fax them which my own dr has already told me NOT TO FUCKIN DO! He had my chart right there but ddn't know what my meds were wtf? So getting my flexoral for my back and aching muscles do you even think for a moment I would get that? I've been shaking for over an hour I am so upset.
I have never felt so frustrated and upset with a dr in my life! I am leaving to ottawa pretty quick and I somehow have to get back there again & not get him! How did he get his PHD?

Cats Need Miracles Too/In Darkness

So last night I figured out why Storm is really clinging to me and whiney. As he tried to sit and eat his food I noticed the lump I thought I felt is actually alot bigger than I thought and so swollen he can't sit comfortably, he was very fidgetty while he tried to eat. It had to be his bad leg he already can't tuck it under him now he can barely sit it hurts. It's killing me. Storm is like a child to me, only he really does love me unconditionally.If something were to happen to him I would die inside I love him so much. He has an appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm my dad has agreed to take me thank God. Now I need to find some funding. I made some calls but all I got was machines. Their not killing my cat, I won't let them, I can't *tears* God I even emailed Phil how bad is that? I doubt I will hear from him though. I wish animals had medical just like us humans. I think they should. Storm has been through so much and he's come through alot I'm not going to loose him now, not now! You know you look into those eyes and they can't talk but you can almost hear the words, *tears* I love my Storm!

Mary had a doctors appointment today I didn't but my mom she got on my case, made me get my iron shot, grrr I hate getting those stupid shots. She's on my case to get my blood tests done too. I can't remember the last time I have seen my mother so concerned about my health, I guess that speaks volumes about how bad it's really gotten. I know when I went to walmart with her the other day I was just about gonna faint but sat before I did. She didn't like that but at least I sat before sometimes I don't even get to catch myself. I've been eating alot of regular chips lately not because I want chips but because I want salt. If I make food I pour a ton of salt on it. I don't think I have ever craved salt to this capacity in my life. I hate to see what level my iron is at! Usually I use only the bare minimal of salt it's crazy.About Mary's appointment it didn't go as planned, we're gonna try for another full checkup in a month, we'll see. Not real sure I mean she was super freaked out, just real freaked out cryin and shit. There are some points that happen in parenting when you get to them & your kid responds unlike you expected and you know it's detrimental they see it differently but trying to make them see it that way makes them look like your handing them over to wolves it breaks your heart & you just want to protect them. I mean I stroked her hair and wiped away her tears and inside I was struggling like God she needs to do this but she is just looking so traumatized I want to protect, how do I do both? In the end it didn't happen and she became much calmer. We discussed it with her the dr and I and we will keep trying till she is comfortable.

Holy fuck I'm having another crying fit, what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching Big Brother 9. OK I admit it I yell at the TV. I am upset for James he is in there all by himself I think and I feel sad for him. I think James is alot like me I think he'd be cool to hang with. He's not some fucked up 2 faced superfical asshole! There needs to be more people like him in this world. Him going after Shiela I yelled with him lol and I started to cry I thought he was gonna cry too.I am sick of Shiela and her crap. I am glad he let out some steam he has not been himself since Chelsia left. Is there any way to contact the players after the show is over cause serious James really he just seems to really care about people & I would love to be able to tell him that he has impacted my life for the good. Evel Dick too another man who has a great heart he taught me alot about the bond between a father and a daughter. Mary keeps saying spiteful things about her dad and I hate it. She says he won't be at her wedding I told her there has to be, she said over her dead body, that hurts me. He's her dad, he may not be the best dad but he's her dad I wish they would both make more of an effort. It just huurts so much. I raised my girls to love their dad, I called him on holidays ect. His parents bought the cards and gifts. He saw them a couple times a yr. The girls say he talks smack about me & they hate it. Whatever he is still their dad and I want them to love their dad period! DJ too. He was raised since day 1 knowing about his father Bryan Miller from North Bay Ontario. He has always known of him, have told him all the info on his dad I have. When I learn more I tell him. What we really want is a picture even better pictures of his dad. It's something Mary has held over his head that they've seen their dad and he never has such bullcrap!
muahahahahahaha James won POV SUCKA'S SUCK ON THAT! I totally think he has good karma workin in his corner

I got Mary another lamb today. She was so worked up & upset from her appointment & went into the store to pick up a few groceries. I saw this cutest lamb with a pink bathrobe on it so I bought it for her. She loved it. I got her one for easter too it is her hugest one almost as big as her. I have been collecting lambs for her since she born. The biggest thing I haven't been able to find is upsetting to me is a comforter with a lamb on it. I would love to find a pink or purple comfoter with a lamb on it and the trim to have lambs across it. Would love to have pillow shams and cutains to match but apparently that is never going to happen:( I'm sure eventually I will find a lamb light. I look in the bay stres and isles as well. Eventually I'll find the plaque with the poem of Mary had a little lamb to hang up in her room. It's funny cause her step mom got on board and got her a lamb at christmas and it's the one from Avon it smells really pretty tranquility, now I want one lol:)

Sarah I buy her soccer everything. Having that collection I have learned if you see it buy it right then because it will be gone if you go back for it later. That is a hella popular collection. She also collects hats, so does my dad. My mom has always collected spoons and porcelin dolls, my brother elephants, my sisters snowmen, pennants, clowns(eww), porcelain masks, my neice collects bells, DJ likes dragons, I collect wish boxes, mystical things, victoria francis work, shrek toys, pushback buttons & pins(since grade3 from all over the world, if you would like to send some let me know any kind is good), talking t-shirts, piglet stuff, I like other pink pig stuff too:), black and white cameos.
Crap I am starting to burn up again. I seem to be going through burning up and chills last few days not sure why but rest of me feels fine so it's probably nuthin. Anyhow off for now...
In Darkness...
Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shadows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shdows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day passes I stop tracking time. no one even passes I stop tracking time. o one even knows I'm gone, everyone was gone before I was gone. I think as I lay under the tree and watch the dark water I somehow was loosing everyone I was close to. No one ever called, or came over or called. I had lost my friends and I didn't know why, the darkness I felt right then was the picture of what I already felt inside. Tears burned hotly down my face, I was getting weaker, not much longer I thought will anyone notice I'm gone. Will anyone ever find me, will anyone even care? I didn't know why I was so bad but as I took my last breathes I wrote in the sand, I'm sorry for whatever I did, & know my friends my loved ones today as I take my last breathe I love you, thankyou for impacting my life, see you on the other side...

Grandmothers

GRANDMA'S: MY THOUGHTS
By: Angela MacRae
Remembering the days when you had grandmas soft hands hold yours? That even with those soft tender hands you felt lit up and safe inside. There's something about a grandma that touches us deeper than other family. How they keep a family tradition going, family getogethers are synonomous with grandmas house. Grandmas homemade cooking, sewing and knitting. The wonderful stories they tell us of our parents youth, as well as their own. My generation is not keeping up with many of those things and I often think about how my grandchildren will be affected by that. Grandmas have that soft flowery smell that just makes you want to cuddle with them for long periods of time. As you look upon their slowly withering and soft wrinkling ("laugh lines" my grandma once told me) on their face you melt. No one on earth can make you feel what a grandmother makes you feel. It's like once your a grandmother you begin to grow your angel wings. To see pain in their eyes brings tears to yours and you would give your everything to see that look taken away from her. So when grandmothers slip away into darkness, when they see you; but no longer know you, you know that pain is deep. I have 2 grandmothers in which darkness has come to take them away. This darkness called alzheimers is taking my grandmothers away. One's in a home, another on the way. It's hard seeing my grandmother so beautiful a person, so happy. She looks at me and I look at her searching, hoping somewhere she sees me. My heart is screaming out-WHY? Why can't you remember me?Why are you here in body and not in mind?I won't cry-must hold back tears grandma wouldn't understand would only add confusion. If only I could make 3 wishes, I'd bring you back to me My sweet, loving, hilarious, honest, inspirational grandmother...

I DON'T WANT TO CRY
I don't want to cry, especially over you
I don't want to cry, I'm long done & through with you
I don't want to cry, you don't deserve my tears
I don't want to cry, You've already wasted so much of my years
I don't want to cry, yet I cry and cry and cry
I don't want to cry, for all you ever were was a lie
I don't want to cry, but I'm afraid that's not the case
I don't want to cry, these tears burn down my face
I don't want to cry, I need a brand new start
I don't want to cry, it's time to heal this heart
I don't want to cry, I'll wish on a star tonight
I don't want to cry, someone new will come to me I'm done with you I've finally saw the light!
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