Alot of Thoughts

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Pictures pertaining to the first bit of this entry are above or should be :)Well I have always hid this fact as much as possible from people but it seems it is getting worse and I feel really alone. I was sitting here trying to find a personal site someone may have made to talk about it but couldn't find one. So at the lack of that I will share this with others and hope if your out there like me you realize your not alone. I have Obsession Compulsion Disorder, not one where I wash till I bleed, or check locks, or have to have things in numbers or in categories ect. These are things you hear about usually when you hear of OCD. But what I suffer from and I know others in my family suffer from but don't talk about is Obsessive, compulsive skin picking. I used to hide it. But in the last couple of years I guess it's gotten so bad I can't hide it. I would love to stop, and I hate that I do it but it's like I can't stop. My arms are scarred and my legs are getting there. I been lucky most scars on my face have healed. It is shameful and scary to talk about because I don't think we still know all that much about it. I used to have such beautiful skin, now it is nice but scarred. I do seem to have a reaction in the summer to the sun and then that just gives me reason to pick and pick and pick. I even do it in my sleep. Lukily for me Phil has stood through me on it. I know it has to be hard for him sometimes and I love him for being there for me. I have psorisis on my head so it's easy to get at as well. Phil is lucky he has psorisis but I got him to see a great dermatologist in town and now he gets UV treatment and you would never be able to tell he has it. I have done alot to make him feel better about himself and he knows that. I know he has stood by me too but the most he can do really is catch me and yeah he does and he takes me to my counsellor appointments. Not every guy would do that. I mean it's bad enough I was diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and I used to take epival but after my RNY I was getting sick and so FINALLY they took me off of it. Wellbutrin also makes me sick. I can however take celexa but not alone or it makes me more manic. So as many on here know I was put on Zyprexa surprise surprise I cannot be on it, it makes my arms and hands swell and my heart pound and I can't breathe. I had to use my salbutamol to breathe again. So they took me off of it. I so hate when your trying to get meds to work. All I want is the noises to quiet down. It's the noise that gets me adjitated. Anyhow I see my counsellor again tomorrow and we'll see what happens now. My psychitrist was thinking of putting me on lithium so we will see. I really wish I could get some ativan too to help with my panic attacks. I have used it in the past although it doesn't calm me down as much as it does other people. Valium has worked good though. Zopiclone for the most part is the only sleeping med I have had that knocks me out, but I try not to take it unless an adult is here cause if I get up I have no idea what I am doing and retain no memory from about 10mins after I take it until the next morning. But I wake up rested which is soooooooooooooo nice. I have really bad insomnia and they said I also have wrestless leg syndrome which is crazy when you try to sleep and it feels like something is crawling in your legs and it's just unsettling.Anyhow Mary is making cake. She makes hella good cake yummy. DJ is on the phone he should just glue the thing to his ear. I made chicken strips, fries and corn for dinner and then no one really ate. Pretty much just Mary did.Sarah and Phil are both sick. Phil more than Sarah he is super congested so I picked him up some advil cold and sinus. You know I actually have a gag reflex when people blow their nose. I would rather hear them get sick. Phil has been sneezing like he has flower bushes up his nose.Why do men when they get older grow those long unattrative nose hairs? I agree with Phil gentics sucks. I don't believe that our God is an unjust God. I just wish I understood why God said he made us all equal when it is plain to see it's just not true. Phil has hair thinning, and body hair bothers him and he is only 5'4". Me I have struggled with weight my whole life, have had depression all of my life and now I suffer with osteoarthrtis of the upper lumbar spine. Which in the last few days is hurting so bad it made me cry. I wish I could glue a heating pad on my back. Kills me to even be on here for any length of time. I also have asthma and to top it off I am anemic. So tell me how does that make me equal to someone who is a beauty pageant queen, wish the perfect hair and the perfect teeth and the perfect personality? How do you convince someone that God is just and not someone who played a cruel joke on some of us? I am not deeply religious but to an extent I still have my beliefs. I was brought up in the united church, and my mother is catholic so I do have alot of those teachings ingrained in me. I do have some beliefs that my church would look down upon though like the candle magick and tarot and astrology beliefs. I obviously had kids so didn't stay a virgin till I would be married. It is a hard place to be in. I have had my faith be pushed to the brink. When God took my best friends mother and father away, people who were like surrogate parents to me I hated God. I still miss mom(Linda) so much everyday. She was everything to me. Then to take away my brothers wife and then my neiece a month before I was to see her, and only ever got to see her the day she was buried. Why why did God take her? She was new and she was everything to us all. Where is the answers to heartfelt questions like this, because I don't know what to tell people who confront me on issues like that. All I can say is I don't have the answers I guess we'll get them when we go home one day ya know?I went shopping the other day, DJ is not fun to shop with. He was so bored and just wanted to get things done. One thing I love is shopping with Mary she makes me tired she could shop all day if you let her. I got most of my easter shopping done I know it's a month till then but I would rather get it done and out of the way. I'm usually like that about christmas too.My teeth are still hurting so damn badly, really wish I had money to go in and get them all done, yeah right that will be the day :(Grr DJ and Mary were just in a vocal one uping one another. DJ won but he went low and I told him it was mean. Guys can be so cruel! Even young and old ones.LOL Mary is complaining about that pepto bismol commercial with the rappers. I think it's kinda funny and original. The commercial I hate is the one where the lady and guy open their Pepsi's on opposite sides of the street and then dance like idiots, only to end up ontop of a car where he throws her up and she disappears. WTH? Where did she go? Who made that commercial good gravy. LOl I love the candian tire commercial where they put where something is in a certain isle the lady falls through her patio chair he doesn't pay attention and the last sign goes over his head saying dog house isle... Now that commercial is funny.We went over to Phil's sisters the other night for their birthday. I actually had a good time. I didn't feel out of place and I for the most part seemed fine talking to people. But Phil said I talk too much and got mad at me. But it's not his fault he has been so tired lately and not getting any real sleep, more surface sleeping that anything and that sucks so bad for him. I tried getting him some over the counter sleeping aids but none have been working :( I've given him a massage. Anyone have any ideas on how to induce sleep? I should buy more melatonin. I was actually getting some sleep when I was taking that. Wish it were cheaper though.I really wish we had alieve here in canada. I think it would help with my back. Nothing seems to help it when it hurts this badly.Did I say Phil successfully sold the camera on ebay? He used that money to buy more transformers, and he did buy me Animal for my little collection of my favorite characters. I have piglet, pillsbury doughboy, taz, gizmo, elmo and now getting animal whew hoo :) He didn't like being away from his transformers so he brought a bunch here from Cheri's. I went and finally met her. She had some really adorable newborn kittens. Makes ya want another kitten :)Oh I saw a news thing the other day about this one site where women can rant and rave and let other women know about some of the looser guys out there. Check it out: http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com and there is apparently another site going to go up of course had to have seen that coming called http://www.dontdateherman.comSo it looks like Phil and I won't be going to Aerosmith. He is selling the tickets and putting it back on his credit card. I am a little disappointed but money is what he needs right now so it's just not the right time to go for a trip like that right now. We did get a new printer it became a necessity because the kids need it for homeowrk and resumes for DJ and Phil. It's just the lowest priced one but at least it's a printer right?Still wishing there was another company other than shaw here that did cable. I think cable is gotten too high. I do like calling canada and the usa for free though. Oh the twins Bday cake I purchesed myself so when we had left the kitchen and I went back to take a picture I was ready to cry. One of the kids friends stuck their finger in the cake. Omg I was ready to scream. I called where we bought it from and they tried to fix it up a little. I was so super choked though. I mean who does that? I bought the cake and his brothers gifts and he bought his sisters gift. I think everyone should have a cake for their bday no matter what. But that is the kid in me I suppose. Anyhow I am getting tired so off for now....

I Hate Ex's

How much does it hurt when the father of your children will do everything he can for someone else's children and not for his own. Mary has gone to see her dad and already he is making her feel like he doesn't want to take her on. He does everything he can for his gf's kids and to help her but for his own kids he wants to just lay back and be a dad when it suits him? Where the hell is the grown up logic in all of that? Do his kids mean so damn little to him? To find out too he has no issue with someone drinking and driving, is he that stupid? I really thought he had grown up and changed, yet it appears he really hasn't changed all that much. Ya know I could careless if he hates me but his kids deserve alot more. My heart is so ripped apart right now.Phil wants to rip Michael apart. He hates how horrible a father Michael is to his kids. I would say it is a damn good thing we do not live in the same town as Michael because Phil has had enough of Michael and I know Phil he would not just sit there and take it. One thing Phil is is protective of these kids. He has been more of a father to these kids than Michael has ever been. Why is it so hard for Michael to be a dad? God he wanted kids so damn bad and talks about having more yet he can't take care of the ones he has. Not to mention Cutis is probably his son and never has he acknowledged that to anyone but me and that is because it slipped the one and only one time. Even Curtis's grandmother er would have been grandmother if it had been her sons son not Michaels will not acknowledge him because she believes he is Michael's. I mean he looks like my girls and Michael and nothing like the supposed dad. I am sorry but in cases like that they deserve castration and he has been told that by people close to him too.Like buddy your almost 34 it is damn time you grew up and bore some responsability. They are not just dollar amounts they are living breathing human beings that you created. Sometimes when I have spoke to him he seems so much like he has grown up and changed. I know he has it in him to be a great dad. He just need to believe it himself. Getting mad at your GF because her kids want to come home is bullcrap too. They are our kids Michael grow up!!!Anyhow, I have heard from Doug too he is super wonderful though. Saying he has backed off because he knows Phil and I are trying to work things out and understands the way things have to be. Phil has said he doesn't want to come between Doug's and my friendship. He used to feel differently but I think I have proven to him that he is who is on the frontlines for me by not seeing Doug in a very long time. Doug's work has and will always come first so that was why I left him for Phil. When I first got with Phil though I was so confused and my heart ached over letting Doug go and I made mistakes. I was lucky Phil forgave me and saw strength in our love and I have been completely faithful to him. I was so hurt when I caught Phil in his mistake but I knew I had to forgive him he forgave me. Thing is I had a lot harder time letting it go then he did for some reason. Still at times have difficulty with trust issues but we have agreed to let the past be the past and to build on what we have today.Poor Phil has been feeling a little ill and moody lately. But we used to fight like cats and dogs when he got that way and now I just have learned to let him rant and rave until he calms down. I don't engage in it anymore. Which helps him cool down alot faster and now both of us bicker over who is more sorry lol. I guess we do still have our moments and I do kinda cower still if he yells but he is making more of an effort not to yell and I am trying to help him feel more confident in getting out when he is agitated or restless. He gets restless alot. I also try hard to keep anything I need to talk about in my hat until he gets home because if I call when he isn't here he sees it as my not wanting him going out. So I really try to do something else or call a friend and get it out that way till he does come home. One thing the counsellors have said though is I need to get out, I need to make new friends and I can't keep holed up in my home like I have been. I say that's hard for me to do. They say I make it hard. I just feel safer and more secure at home. I am not sure what changed over last few years but my trust for anyone flew out the window. I think what finally had me snap was one day when I took my zopiclone because I had fought with Phil and just wanted to sleep things off a friend made some calls and I ended up in hospital on accusations I had tried to commit suicide. It wasn't that way at all. I had just taken 1 pill and those pills make me really out of it and I never have any memory of anything that happens on them (yes my psychiatrist knows this, thus why I make sure an adult is present when I take them). The hospital did tests and said to me yes you were brought in for overdose but we realized you didn't OD and I was released later on. Phil and I almost split that day. Since then I hardly go out, I shut people out of my life and I stick to myself. I figured if I kept to myself no one could hurt me and my trust could not be broken because obviously you can't trust anyone!!!I haven't used Zopiclone for awhile now last time I did the reaction seemed to be gone I actually was awake throughout the night. The use of them I guess dwindled in it's good results. Apparently you can become immune. Which sucked cause we had tried alot of meds and those were the only ones that produced a sound sleep and easily and brightly awake the next day. So far the Zyprexa has not made me feel sick or anything and I am feeling a little less depressed. Not as good as I would like but better. So I have confidence in the results they could produce. They did advise me they could cause weight gain which freaks me out. The carb cravings came before taking them so no that is not a result of them. I have had those cravings for weeks and not a craving I am used to :( I am also on celexa but never had any issue with that. My mom is on Risperidone I was on that but it made me violent the longer I was on it. She is also on wellbutrin which made me feel violently ill, my counsellor told me one person actually became violent on the wellbutrin. My mom seems ok on it though. The Epival at first I had no side effects although I think it made me gain weight but eventually after gastric bypass I became super ill everytime I took it. So now we're trying this Zyprexa stuff. They are also considering Lithium but we'll see. I have realized on my meds I don't get "feelings of events to come" anymore and I hate that. I was always right and now that shuts that part of me down. Totally sucks. I also know off meds I am more sexually hungry then on them. I am calmed down alot more on meds. Wierd? Oh before I forget I want to share this site:Angela has invited you to join her private movie community on Flixster. Flixster is a free service that lets you see at a glance which movies your friends liked, didn't like or want to see.Click here to join Angela's community and see all her reviews:http://www.flixster.com/servlet/invite/6773521jiatrumqxqAB039999I am LadyIllusions on there:)Someone sent me this horoscope thing wow does it ever fit Phil and I. Here is his:Virgo August 24 to September 23 Short SummaryVirgo's are one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac. People think they're fussy, critical bad tempered and picky but that's only because they want everything to be perfect. This is the sign of cleanliness, although lots of Virgo's have the grottiest bedrooms and hang their clothes on the floor. They're extremely inquisitive and have a dreadful time trying to relax. Virgo's make fantastic friends. If a minor crises pops up you can be sure the Virgo will have everything under control in 30 seconds. They are always on the move because they like to learn as much as they can before they take off again. They excel at work so they probably get all the boring jobs (the ones Leo wouldn't be seen dead doing). Here is mine:Scorpio October 23 to November 23Short SummaryScorpios make everyone go weak at the knees they are so utterly gorgeous. They have a brain sharper than a computer and no challenge is too difficult. They are very interesting, friendly and helpful. If you don't do something mean to a Scorpio they will be your friend for life. They have total control of everything and everyone. They are extremely jealous and will plan for weeks how to get their revenge. They make the best detectives, doctors and lawyers as nothing escapes their notice.Phil does not believe in astrology it definetly has been a point of argument for us but I cannot help that I see so much of myself and others in their charts.Phil bought us all subway for supper, yeah no cooking. Yesterday I did laundry, made Chicken wings, mashed garlic and herb potatoes, baby peas and gravy. Mary's friend said they were the best wings ever. I was like yeah right suck up lol. Oh I noticed today I am getting an oily T-Zone never in my life have I had oily skin wth? I am not happy about that in the least. Now if anyone has an idea of what to use for that do tell. Phil has 9 parcels coming to him. Holy crap and it's all transformer stuff. I love getting parcels but I can't afford to spend like that right now. Nothing on ebay sold oh wait that's a lie the watches sold for 1.99 oh boy richness :( He was able to sell his transformer stuff on ebay but has decided he won't sell anything but that on there now. Even with that he still is waiting to be paid by 2 people. The most expensive of them all being one of them :(I did decide to do the calendar thing someone suggested on one of my blogs. I got a Canucks calendar and will try to remember to keep appointments ect on there and it is where Phil will definetly see it when he is here. By the computer :) If he is here you can usually find him there looking at TF sites. You would not believe how huge the TF fan base is. I don't look down upon his transformer hang ups anymore. Even I am more interested. Never to his degree I just can't get into it that deeply but I figure if ya can't beat em join em. I want to get the set of Beast Wars transfomers and you have to get them all because when you get them all you get this one that each has a piece of to have the whole one of him. That's one way to get people to buy something. I think it's mean though I think it is a collection of 7 or something like that. The head is with the bee Buzz something or other :). Leobreaker is one I wanted to get but we didn't and when I wanted to go back and get him he was gone:( I seem to have a huge fascination with the animal transfomers I wish there was one that was an eagle. I buy because I like the color or they look pretty:) Phil buys for different reasons lol. There is rumour there is new transfomers coming out in a set of 4 of my little pony transformers. If they do we have to buy a set of 2. One for my kid and one for Phil although he doesn't care but I said too bad lol. Oh yeah police pulled Phil over the other day I have to blog about that because I could not believe the cop tried to make him say he had been drinking. Hello Phil has never drank once in the over 2 yrs I have known him and apparently he hasn't drank for 2 yrs before that. The cop made him blow in his face twice and insisted Phil was drinking. Phil asked to do a breathalizer and so he did and blew omg yep ZERO. Big fat fricken surprise. He said apparently Phil was speeding yet did not ticket him for that, however gave him $104 ticket for not having his front license plate. WTF? Him kept him for about 20mins and made Phil late for work. I don't believe he was speeding and when Phil was in a car accident over a year ago he had asked the police about his front license plate and he told him that the back one was all he needed. This cop said that cop was wrong. Wrong really yet for over a year he had no plate there? Now he has to get new plates or find the old one. What a load of crap. To think about it actually I think that is probably why he is so agitated and moody last few days.One more thing too someone had the gull to ask Phil if he actually saw a dog the day he was in an accident recently or if he could have been hallucinating. Go to hell buddy that is just crazy making and he is damn lucky I was not there when he asked Phil that because I would have lost it. Did you ask the guy who wrapped the car around a pole to avoid a cat and is still driving his car if he was hallucinating? I highly doubt it, as far as I am concerned they can go to hell. Sorry but that just pissed me off to say the very least!!!Yeah I am a little overprotective of those I love. But I don't believe that person had any damn right to even say that!My teeth are achy so bad. I really wish I could get them worked on. Toothache pain has to be the worst. Law and Order Criminal Intent was good tonight. I only like the police officers who were on this show to begin with I don't like the new ones. They just don't work. But that's my humble opinion. Anyhow off for now said enough...

So went to couple counselling the other day and since we seem to be making great strides on our own we are gonna call him in a couple weeks see where we are at. I also saw my psychiatrist and counsellor they put me on a new men Called Zyprexa. Never heard of this one before so not really sure what to expect. They also believe I have wrestless Leg syndrome because of the way my legs feel kinda crawly alot and it keeps me awake because I can't get comfortable. Gee I feel like soon I will have something wrong with me to go with each letter of the alphabet. Mary is going to her dad's tomorrow after much debate with not just him but then my sister. Sometimes I hate her even more than I already hated her before. I cannot believe the anger she holds towards my son, if anyone can keep a grudge and blame forever it is her.Anyone hear Luna the whale died yesterday that is so very sad to me. How could they let something like that happen. They knew where he was it was going to happen, he liked people too much.Still suffering with teeth aching I wish I knew where to get dental cement then I could at least use some of that until I can afford to get a dentist. I have to mention this, what the hell is with a government who thinks it is ok to harass family members especially senior citizen family members because they are trying to track you down? Especially when they already have your address and spoke to you? How odd it is if you ask them to send you a form and they never do but expect you to keep following through on your commitment. What kind of government does that? I know Canadian Government. Boooooo!!!Phil bought himself another Transfomer yesterday to replace the one that is the same but doesn't have it's one leg working properly. I am sure lots of people would agree with me in thinking OMG who cares at least you have him. But pretty sure any TF collector would agree with him that it does matter. So I guess it's which side your looking from. I'm having alot of carb cravings lately and I hate that. I don't usually get alot of carb pangs. Lately I love pasta and toast, and of course I am still on a drinking tons of milk kick. Yuck I just accidently ate an onion I hate onions.If people who read this wonder if I jump around in real life conversations like I am on here yes I do. Apparently it's a bipolar trait. What bugs me is when I am told to slow down or am asked to repeat myself that frustrates the hell out of me. I remember my dad used to always tell me to think before I speak yet when I took the myers briggs I was ENFP I am now INFP but apparently that is how we work we speak then think. So it's how I am hard wired. I would love to think more before I speak but that is really hard. Phil and I have been having some really good talks lately. Last night he suprised me in a very pleasant way that I wasn't expecting. But was happy to be close to him. Feels sometimes like we are becoming so much closer than I ever thought we could. For the first time we are talking and both realizing when we're wrong. He does apologize more and I apologize too. There doesn't seem to be so much blaming. Yeah he does get mad at times and he can yell at times but on the whole he has become so much better. Especially with the kids. We are talking things out about the kids. I am giving him equal ground which I refused to give him before. We don't always agree. Biggest thing we have disagreed about is one day Mary put on black eyeliner and I about lost it. Was way too dark as far as I was concerned for a young teen. I made her wash it off. Phil thought I went a little overboard and didn't see it as a bad thing like I did and my mother agreed. I am sure though her dad would have agreed it was too much. But then I could be wrong. I did talk it out with Phil and we've never agreed but he did back me up on it. The kids are treating him better now too as I think they realize he has as much control now as I do. If they want anything they better shape up. I'm working on a site for Phil to display all his transfomers pics. I been taking pics of each individually as time goes along. He has about 300 though so will take some time to get them all. I am definetly camera happy. I so love taking pics and I love using my digital camera I just wish it were cheaper to get them done up as prints.My asthma is acting up hugely in the last couple weeks but I don't know why. I definetly need to go get my ventalin though cause mine is overdue to be used. I had not needed it much for awhile. I wish I had the tube thing working I lost the little plastic piece to the end. I had got that one when they tested my lungs now I need to pay for one because they are not covered. How stupid is that? Especially when it helps it get back into your lungs better.Mary now has a new boyfriend. He seems like a good kid and independant and sweet. He has really good goals for his life and at this age that is remarkable.I took pics yesterday of it snowing and today it's sunny and beautiful. They said we got a weather bomb. Wish I had had my camera last night I would have captured the lightening and the beauty of it on cam :( This weather is just crazy lately.Sarah had a sleepover last night, Tonight DJ is sleeping over at a friends and Mary is having a sleepover. It's getting where there is always kids in my house that are not mine.Phil has been gone since this morning as he went to his nieces bday party. My kids were pretty upset about not being invited. I think they were even more upset than I was and I hurt real bad about it. I am supposed to go to his mom's at easter and now I feel like I will cause tension when I go. How do you be around people that you know don't like you and don't want you to be part of their family? I have enough issues with my own family. Days like today I really miss Princess. Still have not been able to get a dog :( Casper will be leaving when Mary goes. He and her are so attached to one another. He has gotten so darned fat too holy he's almost a mojo(a cat that once visted here:) )Still two people who have not paid Phil for items they bought from him. Which is driving him bonkers. One bid on the watches he's selling. Which is like whatever 99 cents doesn't seem worth it. It looks like we won't use ebay for selling things again.Oh did you see this coolsite called http://www.favorville.com It's across the world people helping people. You can do a favor or get a favor. How cool an idea is that? And it's popularity is gaining ground fast.I have downloaded the newest google toolbar. I totally love it. I do have an issue though to get the pack it also offers you have to have windows XP as I do have it not a problem but Phil and DJ do not have XP so cannot have the pack. I think that should be changed to win 98, win 2000 and win XP. The same goes for the msn toolbar. A feature I love however same as googlebar some features are only for XP. Also I get irritated by it automatically filling in my address and phone number in anything that says address where I have accidently filled in those answers and had to go back and delete after realizing it filled that in. For the next 48 hours, we have an opportunity to really help fight global AIDS and extreme poverty. Right now, leaders in Congress are deciding how much life-saving assistance the U.S. will give to the world's poorest countries—and they need to hear from YOU!http://www.one.org/dia/organizationsONE/one/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=99Every signature counts—it means our leaders know that we believe doing even more is in America’s interests and it’s the right thing to do. Already, Americans from every state have stepped up and signed on, sending more than 108,000 letters asking Congress to support the President’s budget request and fully fund the fight against global AIDS and poverty!Let’s keep up the positive pressure: Please sign the letter today! I signed it :)I found a great site that I Enjoyed visiting because it explains someone else going through some of the same things I go through. http://www.livingmanicdepressive.comAnyhow I guess that is it for now, so am off and running, Laterz....

Been Crying Again...

Well Well got yelled at again today but I guess I deserved it. Phil's sister(not biological, adopted into the family [kind of] which is irrelevant but just informing) anyhow found out today she invited Phil to her daughters birthday but was real sure to make sure we would not be coming. *tears* I felt like a truck ran over me. She invited him for saturday which he had already said he would take Mary to meet with her dad as she is going away for the spring break. But apparently he forgot he had made that commitment. So he yelled at me and my heart just sank. He is angry because he says he feels like he always has to check with me about everywhere he goes and everything he does. I would appreciate being kept in the loop about plans he has but just because I love him and I always tell him where I am going and what I am doing. I thought that is what people did who were together but maybe I was wrong. I am just hurting so bad I just can't even express how hurt I am. But I guess it's stupid of me to feel that way. I am not his owner and he should have the freedom to come and go as he wants. I don't want him to feel like he has a ball and chain. I feel like I am just too stupid to get it right when it comes to relationships. I always screw up everything I touch. Those who read my journal and been commenting it means alot. I don't always get to answer but I do read them. He is a good guy and I was encouraging about his posting pics. My only fear is him doing more than getting rated. I get rated but nothing more & wouldn't. Only reason I do fear that is because more then rating happened with him once before but I caught it before it got into anything big. However when we first got together I was with Doug and I told Phil and now I can't remember the last time I saw Doug. Been forever ago. I don't want to hurt Phil I really don't. I been trying so hard to support him and love him and say and do all the right things. But he just keeps telling me everything I did wrong when I was doing them wrong. Now this invitation strictly forbidding me how can I not feel hurt and insecure? What the hell is wrong with me that it hurts me so damn much?I really need to grow up. Last night I couldn't sleep I had so many thoughts running through my head I felt like I was going crazy I was ancy and was moving everywhere. I kept Phil partially awake and today he said sometimes that is why he likes to be at Cheri's because I do spend alot of nights up. I was thinking well so what we will have issues like that forever you gonna run everytime? I mean all kinds of things negative come up with any relationship so what you run? That's how it works in this world?Right now I am just hurting so damn bad I want to numb out. I have always gone into numb out mode when I hurt this badly. It's a good thing I am not vengful like I used to be. Phil doesn't want me talking to her so I won't but it HURTS!!!We never went to our couple counselling last week, Phil called and cancelled it while I was sleeping. We have one this week though. I see my own counsellor tomorrow and hopefully psychiatrist. Hope to talk about starting some new meds. I wish Phil would go get checked. He has been sick for months. His dr had put him on ampicillin for a chest infection over a month ago and still he is coughing and more tired than usual. Not to mention he has had these horrible headaches on the one side of his head since I met him that feels kinda gushy on that place of his head. I want him to see a neurologist but dr I think is an idiot. So whatever!LOL I am watching Medium they were talking about Danielle books I remember buying books for my kids that they were obsessed with. Kinda like the Harry Potter Series my son really picked up reading with those books a miracle . I love this show Medium it's a pretty good show, well put together. Then I will watch CSI Miami. I love that Horachio's brother Robert is Alive I wanna see how he looks.Phil bought a bunch more transfmoers stuff on ebay: Transformer Autobots Tshirt, Transfomers 20th Anniversary Mega Lithograph/Poster, Transfomers G1 Devestator, and 2 sets of aerobots, Oh I have to get him the megatron one he asked me to find and purchase on there and he is watching Transfomers G1 Grimlock-See Dinobot, and he also got a rare signed and numbered megatron poster and rare megatron vinyl sticker. Gee which transfomer do you think is his favorite?Mary had found a huge piglet pillow and saved it in watched items but he has so much to pay for for his transfomers I deleted it.We had manwhich for supper, God been so long since we had that. I always have liked it. Although I was so upset about finding out about saturday I couldn't eat. Stupid I know. Yuck who eats PB and apples? A new love for some in this house. I find it disgusting. I do like taking a spoonful of Jiff or Kraft smooth peanut butter and putting milk chocolate chips and some shredded coconut and then yummy eating it. I used to sneak that with my mom being out lol. We were brought up in a house where we had to ask for anything and everything. I used to always sneak milk. I can never ever get enough milk. My kids are generally allowed to help themselves to things like bread, veggies, fruit, and drinks. Anyhow I vented enough sorry for being so stupid...

Feeling Cold & Fluey...

Well I been super cold for like 2 days now, cannot get warm unless I have the heating pad on my back. Also feel like I had the crap kicked out of me. Not sure maybe it is the ribs healing in the back but where I had injured and bruised my ribs in my back its been hurting so bad it hurts to move. I also have really really really sore calves and there is no explainable reason for it. It has been months since I got my iron shot I am wondering if that could be part of it. Some of the pics I have taken I deleted because my eyes are so dark in some pics because of iron levels I don't want people seeing them :( Phil has not been feeling well either last night he yelled at his tummy lol. Siad he his tummy, yes like it has any control over him lol. He was so down last night and tired he never went to karate. I bought him a couple of new transfomers just to try and bring a smile to him. I hate when he feels down.
Its so hard with him some days because he is so down on himself lately and some days he is so distant I don't know what to say or do. I mean I still ahce in my heart, I hate the way things are you know? I just wish I knew the magic combination of words and things to do because I would do it.
I made tuna casserole again the other nights went so fast its not even funny. I use whole wheat macaroni , mushroom soup, miracle whip, sweet baby peas, then I add some milk, sometimes ginger, garlic, rosemary, sage, celery seed, lemon pepper, seasoning salt, paprika if I have it to put on top, onion flakes if I have them it tastes really good and of course a few cans of tuna. Tastes so good.
My steak I made the other day I got from a guy who was online as MadRoj only I adjusted it a little bit. I use eye of round marinating steak you brown each side just slightly. Then you pour mild to medium salsa enough to cover it and sprinkle some lemon pepper ontop and cook for about an hour on low or until it is cooked. It is so tender you barely need a knife to cut it. What I like with it best is yellow boiled potatoes or mashed potatoes and corn. OMG it tastes so good my kids love it well 2 do lol and so does Phil.
Mary said Christine tried to make it and did a really bad job of it lol. I was like how do you screw up such an easy recipe? She said Christine and Roger cannot cook they mess up everything. Hmmmm I have a hard time believing that I mean c'mon now...
The thing my kids love that I make is cajun chicken which Michael taught me to make. You take strips of cut up boneless skinless chicken, you put it in a pan with a little butter and cook it just over medium and sprinkle on a bunch of cajun seasoning, I use alot and then you just keep flipping it until it is cooked all the way through. My kids really like that with Lipton Chicken noodles and sauce and cream corn. Very simple and very good.
Phil is on two rating sites for his normal pics. You can rate him there:
http://www.ratemybody.com/profile.aspx?id=MegatronPro&userID=654562 http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=AYSLSRS&key=AGV
So far our camera has no watchers and no buyers:( We may have to relist it. Sucks too one guy who ended up with the most expensive transfomer to have bought from Phil has not written him or payed him for his transfomer. Tick me off. Now Phil is looking to replace grimlock and I told him he has the dinobots its what he wanted does he really need to get another grimlock because the one he has is not in the best condition. He does this alot. I think it makes more sense to go for the ones you don't have at all get replacements for the others later. I do agree he should get theblue grimlock as he doesn't have that one.
You know when I met Phil I told him I could not have any more kids. I was very strong in telling him because I did tell him I did not want him in 2 yrs coming to me angry and wanting to leave because I could not have his kids. At that time I borught it up alot because I really needed him to be sure. But now suddenly it is an issue he doesn't know he can deal with and what hurts is there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Nothing at all. Part of me wishes he would just go out and have a kid with someone, anyone and still be together. That is so wrong for me to think that. I know it would hurt me too, I just feel so confused when it comes to it. I mean my kids love Phil and he is so good to them especially my youngest. But their not his and I do understand that. I wish they were because they have an ass for a dad!!! He has put more money and time into these kids than Michael has ever done. He also doesn't complain about it and Michael complains every step of the way. All he thinks about I swear is that his kids are money he has to pay and nothing else. Yet he complains about his GF and her ex with his kids. Talk about a hypocrite.
Oh we also got the luke skywalker transformer, apparently there is 4 or 5 more coming out. Hasbro really is gonna make a killing on them ya know. Transfomer collectors and Star Wars collectors are pretty serious collectors. I wish I could have the M&M star wars guys they are so cool. I also want alot fo Piglet things but I don't buy them. I don't need them though I guess.
Oh we looked at the shaw bill today. I am so sick of shaw I swear to good they have screwed up big time. I am so tired of their crap. We have struggled with our internet for a couple weeks now always have it shutting down on us. Have had some issues with the phone. I mean there has to be better than this for cable. Anyone know better people to deal with for TV, internet and phone? I do like I can call anywhere in canada or the usa anytime for free and Mary loves 3 way calling but I took her off of it there is no need for it. As it is Phil gets frustrated the kid lives on the phone for hours.
I did find a couple more things to sell on ebay. I have a collectable winnie the pooh cookie tin and I have a collectable tucan sam outdoor camera. I also have a few watches.
DJ is having a sleepover AGAIN, so is Sarah. Mary is gone to a friends for the night. Am I fricken crazy?
Phil's sister and brother(twins-my age) birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. So we're gonna pick them up a cake and go see them that friday. We're hoping to get his sister a book for the place she is going away to and for his brother a canuck collectable. I ordered the cake already so at least that is done.
Mary had a party she went to on friday I bought her friend a keychain I think it said U Go Girl and a crystal that lights up. Sarah has a party tomorrow and I got her friend diva bath stuff. Everytime I turn around it seems to be someones bday.
I found another lamb for Mary it baaaaas too cute. Why is it so hard to find lambs and sheep? The dolphins are easy to find.
I was on ebay looking for a signed anything from David Beckham the soccer player. I cannot believe how hard it is to get his stuff from canada and even the usa. Looks like its easier to get things from yugoslavia and UK and even hong kong seems to be only place I can see a David Beckham bobblehead:( I did find autographed posters but what I would really love is a signed card any card but couldn't see anything like that in canada or the usa on there. Frustrating. Would be even more awesome to get a signed shirt.
Anyhow my fricken back is hurting so bad I need to go. I am off for now. Laterz....

Life Is Going...

Well I had dinner with Phil and his parents. I made steak and mashed potatoes, corn and bread. Also made salad and Mary made chocolate cake. It went fairly well. One thing that kinda of upset me is his mother had said when we talked"that's why we thought maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to be together right now because you both have alot of backage, with time maybe it could work..." That is the one sentence that went on over and over and over in my head. I shouldn't be surprised Phil has told me his family has thought we shouldn't be together and I know my family did like him until I sent Mary to live with my brother. Yeah both of us have had alot of crap happen to us and it has triggered some things with us at times, but I also think going through stuff has helped us understand one another more. Well it has since I stopped using my anger towards him and started to deal with my stuff the way I should have dealt with it to begin with. Counselling individually has done us both a world of good. I love Phil so much and I want to be there for him while he finally deals with things he has tried so long to forget. I am so relieved the other night he got into a car accident. A dog came out onto the road and startled him and he broke two tires of the work vehicle. So they took him off mobile. I was choked because he did not deserve that decision by his work. They had another guy wrap a car around a pole to avoid a cat and he is still driving. So what the hell is that?
Anyhow dinner went well. We played cards after and then his mom was tired so they didn't stay too too long. I explained to them how I had never had anyones family over to my place for dinner before and that my family keeps away from one another because everyone hates everyone and lives to make one anothers lives a living hell. Phils mother said that was really sad. It is sad but everyone knows it. After 10 yrs a friend who found me first question to me was "no offense but is your mother still a bitch?". What does that tell you?
Anyhow Mary is having some problems with friends. One friend who i refuse to let her hang around with because she is bad to the core and her parents have no control over her and even the teachers and community people I talked to say she is violent and out of control. Anyhow she is trying to cause problems for Mary and I want to help her but she told me to stay out of it she has to deal with it. It kills me because I am unsure what a parent should and shouldn't do when it comes to kids and their friendships. All I know I can do is do all I can to keep her from the problem ones.
I shaved Phil again today, completely shaved him. He is so cute he was very trusting and when I asked if he was nervous he said if he tensed up that would just be when I cut him. So I did shave him but he said if I cut him I would never shave him again:) I like shaving him now I used to try to avoid it because his hair never really bothered me but I see how happy it makes him so I guess I will do it now and do it regularly. I do admit after using his shaver as compared to mine like I did before much cleaner shave wow. I wanna get a mach 3 now. After we took pics of him, allllll of him:) He is so sexy fine. He is not body shy at all however he yelled when he thought his pics showed him being fat and arms alot smaller than they used to be. Why can't he just love himself for who he is? He is gorgeous and sexy and I adore every part of him. I just wish he could.
My ex wrote me a nsty email today he is late in paying child support and he got real nasty about it. He thinks other people can help out if I need it. He always gets everything he wants and needs from mommy and daddy and so he thinks the world should work that way. I hate asking anyone for anything. It kills me to ask for anything. I am a mother and an adult and I should not have to depend on anyone but myself. I have screwed up enough in my life I don't need to drag others into it ya know? After Michael's nasty message which was by the way a response to my email I had sent him suggesting something that might simplfy things for both of us which is varying the order but he doesn't want to do that because he gets taxes for the order in place now. Anyhow his response was nasty so I wrote this back:
"nice message Michael. You don't have to be rude. Why is it your nicer when your single? I am thinking of our kids and the things coming up for them and it is not anyone elses responsability to be responsible for them but you and me. I am not going to fight with you. I have done enough fighting in my life. I was not trying to be mean I was suggesting something that might make it easier for you. So chill out"
I so wish I had never had kids with him. He and I only ever stayed together because sex was so fantastic. Nothing else worked for us. Yeah we can talk always have been able to until he is in a relationship then it's like he has to hate me for their sake. *tears* I thought he was so hot his long blonde hair, his big blue eyes, at first he treated me like a princess ya know. he was so romantic, but then he hit me and hit me and hit me. I did begin to push him just so the cycle would end and then it would restart. The cycle gets shorter. Everyone tried to get me out, they stood by me and told me to get out but I stopped talking to everyone and I hated them for hating him. He was the father of my girls. In the beginning he would promise never to do it again, buy me roses and cards. Eventully he would tell me I made him do it. He drove me crazy and I figured I had to be doing it because he was so different with everyone else. I was thankful when a few people heard it and saw it and I had witnesses because he always denied it. At the time the police tried to make me charge him but I couldn't do it. Now women have no choice charges are laid and that is a good thing. I was no angel, I did go after him I did call when he left at his parents place I did pull the keys out of the egnition when he was driving, I did alot I was no angel. I think I hope we have changed since then and at times we talk so well still. But other times we love to ahte one another and I wish that we had not had kids together. I wish I had not got fixed wish I had not had a hysterectomy wish I could have had Phils child. I really really wish I could give him thast and it hurts so bad I know he wants that and he has gotten mad I had a hysterectomy I wish I could change it so much, it hurts real bad.
Anyhow enough of Michael. Did people hear today that cadbury recalled their easter cream eggs apparently something to do with plastic being in some of them. Was on CH NEWS tonight. I was like noooooooooooo I always have to have one this time of year. I used to eat alot but they hurt my pouch now:(The Canadian Food Inspection Agency was on it. So sucks :(
Does anyone have kids in their house that makes their toilet and sinks always clog up? My toilet is forever clogged and if anyone has any ideas how to allieviate that I will fricken love you FOREVER!
Oh if anyone is wondering about Doug I am pretty sure I won't be hearing from him again. I partly expected a mean email from him as I wrote him and pretty much told him I love Phil and that he deserves someone to love and give him what I don't. Also told him we have not seen one another in so long I am sure he already is but hope he won't hate me. I did tell him I love him and always will but Phil and I are trying to work things out and I do love Phil and am going to counselling with him so... Pretty sure Doug will just dismiss me not that that changes anything I can't even remember last time I saw him anyhow. I wish him the best. Hard loosing a best friend though. He was always someone I could tell anything to and I can't do that with most.
Having alot of problems with shaw lately, notice alot of emails are not going through to other shaw accounts too so not sure what is going on. Kids are annoyed cause it shuts down constantly:( Has anyone ever noticed with the canadian government that when you owe them money they are so quick to go after it but if they owe you they drag butt?
I got laundry sitting here saying Angela fold me NOW, grrrrr I hate laundry and why do my kids need to use so many towels in such a short period of time?
I am listening to the 80's on channel 421 right now. Gotta love the digital music huh? I have to say a reader of mine wrote me a response to my last post that made me cry. My emotions are kinda all over the place right now. I cried in front of Phil too which was stupid but I do want to respond to it here it is:
Their reply was: "I wish sometimes I could turn into a transformer he spends so much time with those things they are everything to him."-and you aren't? I've been reading your posts and getting to know you a little bit.You talk a lot about cooking/cleaning/chores how about telling me something about who you are outside of a mom/wife.What do you do for fun?Do you have any hobbies?What sort of aspirations (if any) do you have for yourself?On your intrest list you put bdsm,are you a domme or sub or switch?Here is something I tagged for you :
OMG it is gorgeous the pic she sent me I so love it. Thanks DD. in response: No I am not a transformer although some days I really wish I could be wouldn't that be great? For fun not sure I guess I do web surfing, blogging, research, LOVE TO SING (better singing country), listening to music, am thinking of getting back into dancing maybe trying out pole dancing. I can't remember last time I went out with friends. LOL Friends what's that? Thinks last time I saw friends was my friend Doreens christmas party and seeing my best friend Sherri for christmas. My hobbies are research, blogging, I used to do websites for me and the people around me. I do plan to make a transformer one for Phil. I have a strong interest in criminology and sociology so I look at those alot and astrology. I like to take pics alot of PIS:) Aspirations what are those? I wish I could do research or work with criminologists or sociologists from home. I am a domme bottom :) Don't get to practise as it's not something Phil has any interest in :( Thanks so much for the tag I so love it, hope that answers your questions
Oh Total Eclipse of the heart is playing I so love this song:) Love the video too.
Made tuna casserole tonight. Kids complained about it:( I can't remember I made it. I am thinking of maybe having a dinner party one day soon. Invite people over and make a night of it. That is one thing Michael and I did alot was have parties I miss that. Phil's friends seem so perfect though ya know I am so scared I will say or do the wrong thing.
I have to ask would anyone wonder if your seeming to work things out and getting closer and they told you things were going great and what your doing is making a difference and they do love you. Would you question why they make such a big deal about pictures together but not singly? Or would that just be being paranoid? Would it be stupid to feel like crying about it?
We did put our newest camera up for sale on ebay. So far no bids but has 3 days. I had found a cameo I like but she doesn't sell through pay pal. I so want a real gold small black and white cameo I found one close to that and I couldn't get it. I stupidly wanted to cry. I guess I shouldn't get so hung up on something so stupid huh?
We did finally get Phil his dinobot swoop for his transformer collection. He payed a hella lot for it though. But I know how bad he wanted it. Glad he will have it now. He has been watching different ones over weeks and months. So money he made selling his covrered this one pretty much. I guess that is it for now, been babbling long enough oh wait one more thing.
Anyone heard of pingoat? Hmmmm not sure what to think of this place considering they seem to unreasonably and for questionable reasons blacklist people. Would love to know what they base it on. But whatever....
Phil and I also recently joined a new site our urls are http://phillovesangela.multiply.com and mine is http://ladyillusions.multiply.com
Sucks Phil is gone to Cheri's tonight :( but at least we made love this morning:) I guess that will hold me off :)