Secrets & Confusion

What is it with people and secrets? Like sharing your life is a huge no no? I grew up with a mother who did things that always left her telling us don't tell dad this and don't tell dad that. She still at times does that. We also heard don't tell this and don't tell that because it could affect your dad's job. I hated it and I swore I would never have my kids grow up that way. Something I hate very much is lies and secrets! I guess that is why I have admitted things I have done even when I knew it could end everything I had. However Phil is another one who thinks things should be kept to yourself and be kept secret. We fight about it alot!!! He gets really angry about my writing my blogs, he thinks I should keep it to myself. Suffer alone and not tell a soul what I am going through. What I hate more than that is when he denies things he says and does. One thing to deny it to others but to look me in the face and deny it it kills me and makes me wish I could just die!!!! It hurts so deeply. I just don't care anymore. Lately I don't even get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I have been so depressed I sleep, barely eat, take meds to end pain and I do feeel pain all over. I called the dr to get in today and try to get admitted to hospital. They fuckin cancelled my appointment. I think that is such a big joke. I told them how serious it is for me to get admitted to hospital. My normal meds are not working at all. I cry everyday for hours. Waking up is a disappointment to me. Phil gets here and just gets pissed with me for not having done anything for yet another day, which just adds to my already depressed feelings. I think aboiut DJ everyday and I cry about him. I miss him so much and feel like a part of me dies without him everyday. His bday is coming a big 16yrs old. I hope he loves the gift I have gotten him. I just can't stop thinking about DJ he is always on my mind and I love him so much. My baby boy is growing up so fast. The good thing is I seem to be losing weight as I barely want to eat. I am eating a tiny bit but I don't want to eat. I drink a very little bit as well. Roger and Phil spend most of the time with Sarah, they have been wonderful with her. I guess that is another part of my feeling down I really don't feel needed or wanted. I mean kids don't seem to want or need me anymore. They are all looked after and Phil seems to always be gone and with others now and complains if and when I ask him anything, so I hate asking anything of him. Doug is now with Cindy. No one really needs me in life anymore, so if I were gone who would miss me? NO ONE! I am proud of how wonderful everyone is doing and it makes it alot easier for me to fade out when I see that I am not really needed anymore. I feel like all I do really is piss people off and get in their way! Even when Phil is here now he is not with me, he is on comp and watching TV downstairsd or in the transformer room. I don't do or watch anything he likes. I am just a thron in his side. He likes being out away from here, so... I do have another appointment with my docotor I guess I have to wait for that one. I just wish todays would have not got cancelled. I can't remember feeling this bad in a very long time...

It's All On Me...

Well first off I want to add to my last post that when Phil took Sarah's stuff that one night he had given her a half hour chance to draw. She didn't like her half hour chance. She was so angry she swore at Phil and then at me because I let Phil make the choice if she could draw or not. Regardless of those 2 facts I still didn't see any reason to discourage her from drawing or reading as we usually allow her to watch TV on weekends until she goes to sleep so why were his panties in a twist? However he thinks others will agree with him after reading these facts. Only bedtime we are usually strict with is school nights. Moving along, apparently saying anything that is not positive about Phil gets people worked up. Apparently the only person who can be stupid, a bitch, a hoare, unpure, evil, selfish ect is me. Because Phil is pure perfection. Everyone would know that because they are here to see it all the time-YEAH RIGHT! *tears* So I should just suck it up and pretend everything is always perfect. Sensor my words. You know I have not limited bad words for just Phil. I say them about myself and other people as well. But apparently I am a big bitch and if Phil was smart he would leave me. I am sure Ashley would love that! Ya know it's funny he says his family wouldn't care if he was dead. Yet his family is the first to stand up for him. They love him dearly. I only wish I had a family like that :'( Ya know it's like some people see me on the edge of a cliff and they are trying to push me over. Sometimes they come really close to doing it too. Today I was alone all afternoon and I cried for 2 hours. Now my eyes are all sore and red :'( I do see my doctor soon and I am going to ask her about an in hospital evaluation. Has anyone done their valentine shopping yet? I have I love what I got Phil I hope he likes it too:) Valentines Day is my favorite holiday :) Oh and it's not a transformer. I made a vow not to buy any transformers this year. The year has just begus and I want to buy them. I don't go to the isle that sells them. I think JC caught me though. I have become a lover of transformers as well. I can't believe it's happened but it has. Although Phil and I love them for different reasons. I am ashamed of the fact I can actually name a ton of them. Not as good at it as Phil but I shouldn't know any at all! Sarah tried out for the interprovincial summer soccer team. If she gets on the team the cost is $750 and I was told soccer was a cheap sport, pffffttttt seems like there is always a need for money. This money pays for everything but the food when they travel. Apparently 2 coachespulled her aside at the try outs today and told her she has a really good chance at making it to the team. Soccer really her forte. Parents and other people who see her are always commenting how good she is. I am very proud of her :) Anyhow I'm off not feel very welll.....

Panic Button

So yesterday I went all by myself. That was really hard. I was in walmart and all of a sudden the isle got smaller, noise got louder and my head began to spin. I felt so stupid all I could do was stand still and hold my head trying hard not to cry. I don't generally go anywhere alone anymore, and that is exactly why. While I was there Phil called asking where I was I told him and he said he would meet me. He calls me almost predictably by clockwork. Right before he gets off work he phones to see where I am and invites himself to where I am. Like he has to check up on me and know where I am at all times. So he met me at mayfair mall and what do you know he's there with Ashley. They just happened to run into one another. I responded by saying"so I see" he said I love you and I said " I have to go look around later..." He says I am way too insecure. But when I met him he lied about sleeping with Michelle, and then he lied to me about this lady Deb. Meanwhile I told him my sins against everyones advice knowing he could leave I told him. *tears* I just don't know how to feel right now. I just feel so dead inside. 2 nights ago we got into a fight I can't remember about what but he thinks I should say I love you if he demands me to say it. If I am pissed I am not going to say it. He got right on top of me and yelled at me in the face calling me a manipulative, ungrateful bitch. Last night Sarah wanted to stay up and draw and to read a book. I saw no harm in it but Phil was here so I told him he could make that choice. He chose no and neither of us understood why. He said because it's bedtime. I think if she wants to read don't discourage that :'( He was so mad he took her lights, her tv and something else, but eventually gave it all back but that's because we were both bitches. He just chewed me out and told me how bad a parent I am that I let get away with too much. It goes on and on and on. I tried to fight back but he started to yell at me that I was a baby, I think called me a baby like 10 times and a bitch a few times.All over my agreeing with my6 daughter about reading her book.I don't know it was 10:30pm maybe he had a point. He gave me shit for crying too told me to stop with the fake tears :'( Hey if any of you out there would like to buy me a webcam, a voice recorder, and videa recorder I can post it on here and then you can tell me what you here and see. See if I am just being overemotional :( Not to mention I would be more greatful than words can say. Not to mention maybe if he saw the way he acts or hears the way he acts he might stop.I can wish right? My baby boy's bday is coming up, a very special bday, he will be 16yrs old. No baby anymore, he is almost a man now:) No day goes by that I don't think about DJ. He truly was a miracle child. I was young, almost lost him a few times before birth and then he was breech and at months he almost died of whooping cough. I believe he is detined for great things. He is very intelligent. I am proud of him.I got his present today, some people were trying to discourage me from getting his present I pretty much told them to shove it. Well it's 12am and once again Phil is not here. No one is here. Phil is apparently out with Ron but I can't stop thinkig that could be a cover story. I hate that I don't trust him like I should. I hate it so much, it hurts so badly. Lately it feels like I am standing still in time and everyone else is moving in time rapidly all around me, it's a horrid sensation and when I go out it's much stronger. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and hold my head still just to try and shut out the noise and stop everything from moving so fast around me. I noticed the other day even my smallest jeans are getting too big. Apparently I am loosing weight again. Probably cause once again I barely been eating and when I eat bad food I dump which I was told goes away after a year or two. Yeah hello? Not I, I have to watch my intake. I also have to still struggle with leaving food on my plate I always take too much and then I get full. I want to eat more but I can't. I was raised with a mother who never gave us any real seconds of the good meals we loved and so yeah I hoard food. I still get worried I won't get anymore, so I pack it onto my plate. Those kinds of habits stick with a person :( Many of you know I have taken a huge interest in crime, I have watched quite a few movies and documentaries. I have to say they intrigue me ya know? Jeffrey Dahmer he did some bad things but I think inside he did have a heart. He seemed real close to his dad. I liked that he was willing to talk and he wanted to try to help to bring understanding. However he really didn't understand it himself. I think it is so very very sad the way that man died. I realize he did some horrific crimes but I don't believe he deserved to die the way he did. Just breaks my heart :( John Wayne Gacy now he was a character and I have a truly hard time believing his wife did not know what was going on. Come on now the smell of rotting bodies decomposing under your house, you can't believe that was something else, no way. I believe he probably killed alot more boys than the police ever found and that is sad. I find it humourous that Gacy seemed fine with taking the blame until it came time for the chair suddenly he was the wrong man. Alrighty there John sit back this will only hurt for a second. He did allow them to take his brain for testing after death, apparently they found no abnormalities. My belief is maybe you can find them while they are still alive and well. My view of the death penalty is it's wrong. Who are we to choose who lives and who dies. Who died and made you God. Now look at cases where DNA has turned someone free and had that not come out, what you would ok with putting innocence to death?Send them to supermax life without parole but abolish the death sentence it's not right!!! Ted Bundy to me his story is one of sadness. He was highly intelligent. He was educated and dressed well. I mean this guys life could have taken him really far. But instead he chose to kill women or as he called them "entities". My heart just sat in a lump watching documentaries and movies about him. How could someone with so much potential throw it all away? Apparently it just wasn't enough. Do you know he helped assist the police in finding Gary Ridgeway or Better known as "The Green River Killer". They went to him figuring same type crimes he might be able to get into his head. I think Ted really got off on that. It was giving him a power, even if from behind bars. It did work though. But he came awefully close to screwing with the one officers head. I have to say Ted deserves a medal for his master skills of manipulation. Gary Ridgeway. when I watched some of the more indepth documentaries I was kind of pissed that they didn't get to him sooner. They had talked to him he was in the files it just wasn't followed up on it was put back into the file. He is definetly not a criminal I feel any sympathy for. I refuse to believe there are just some people bad to the core. I am sure he has a heart it's just really deep in there. I found it odd when he said he put the women in clusters to make it easier for the police. He thought he was helping the police getting these women off the streets. Killing them was not the answer. I don't buy that reasoning for a moment. With everything I have watched with him I have only seen him cry for a moment and that was when one of the dead womens mothers or grandmothers stood up and said I forgive you you can't hold me anymore. I smiled when she said that, how strong she was. He needed to hear that more! BTK yeah buddy he really had some issues going on. Control issues. It showed up in his place of work. Showed up in his neighbourhood. Like in the hell did he think he was. He goes into murderer retirement and some guy writes a book about BTK and he goes into a child like fit. OMG someone else is taking my crown. So he comes back out of retirement and announces it making sure we all know he's back and ain't nobody going to steal his thunder. Yeah well buddy you should have stayed quiet , but hey thanks for not staying quiet cause now youre ass is BUSTED!!! Moving right along, how many of you ut there know who Traci Lords is? When I was with my daughters father Michael we watched ALOT of adult movies but 2 were my absolute favorites and I had copies but someone stole them. One was Curse of the Catwoman not sure the names for that one. My absolute Favorite Was Hidden Obbsessions starring Traci Lords. I have searched all over the net and in the movies stores. All I was able to find out is that apparently some of her movies were made with her being under age she used fake ID and they were all destroyed. She sure didn't look under age in this movie. I really would love to see it again :( Would love to have my Eddie Murphy Raw and Delerious as well I am so choked those were stolen they can make me laugh when I am feeling my very worst!They do say laughter is the best medicine. Oh the name os DJ's dad that we are looking for is Bryan Larence Miller. I believe his bday is july 28/1972. Born in Ontario. Used to be a camp counsellor every summer. Went to Schollard Hall to grade 12 and then went to France for gr 13 and then went to The Western University of Ontario. I believe in Schollard he played football. He loved sports. His Parents I believe are Mary and Donald and they owned the McDonalds in North Bay Ontario. I know he has a older brother Kevin , a younger brother named Mark, and I think a sister named Andrea? DJ deserves to talk to his dad and family. He has questions he wants answered and in a couple weeks he is 16. So any info would be great. tenderone at shaw dot ca Ok anyways I am exhausted, so bye for now....

All Of A Sudden

Phil is always telling me I am NOT psychic, he doesn't believe I ever have been or ever will be. Despite having friends backing up visions I have had. Things I have been able to call bang on before they happen, when they happen I knew them. 3 friends I called being pregnant before they were. My grandfather I called dying of lung cancer a few years before he did. I've even called the right gender of babies to be entering the world, although that is more Sarah's fortee she does much better with that she has only been wrong once. I just seem to see things and know things. I have a very strong sixth sense. However since being on seroquel it's messed up with my ability to see clearly like I could before. I hate it. I do believe here in victoria BC there is alot of psychic vampires I used to get drained alot. Doug had to teach me how to protect myself, as did this other guy Mike. Doug also taught me how to astral travel now that is the shit :) Anyhow I got this overwhelming sense to cry just before 6am today. Like someone I care about is either going to do something that breaks my heart, or someone is going to get hurt or die or already has. I am actually shaking and my eyes are just welled up. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I am actually shaking. I wish the vision of what or who would come to me. I miss seeing things at least then I could be more clear. Stupid fricken meds Anyway if I say anything to Phil he'll just tell me I am being stupid and yell at me :'( I think I figured out part of my depression issue right now. I think I need a change of pace. I feel stagnated here. I mean I don't feel like I have anything to get up to or look forward to in a day. oooohhhhh another day of gloominess and being yelled at oh happy day.I have no will to do anything in this place. I need a smaller place, a brighter place. This winter has sucked milkthistle lol. I can't remember the last REAL vacation I took. I think if I won a trip to whereever I wanted to go or won some money I would love to go visit Phoenix in New York. How fun would that be? She is always a gas, love her to death :) Today is my best friend Sherri Huberdeau's Bday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRI!!!!! She is now 34. She always bugs me that I am older than her because I turn a yr older than her in nov and then we're the age when she gets older in january. The little shit.Ya know I have been wondering lately if maybe my exhaustion is more than just bipolar but Chronic Fatigue syndrome. You know growing up I was really tired all the time too. I don't know how many times I was tested for mono among other things trying to find a reason why I was so tired and dragging ass all the time. It's an achy, just weak shaky tired feeling. Like getting up to go to the bathroom sometimes is a huge ordeal. I do have good days, weeks and sometimes months. I do get manic episodes where I can't sleep which seems to be lately. I am tired but sleep very little. IN last week have only sleept a couple hours on and off lately. I know my iron is probably at ground zero I never kept up with the shots. I just got too tired of going every damn two weeks and Phil would tell me how stupid I was for having to go so often to the doctor so I just stopped going to the doctor. I wish I could just get the shots at home. Don't bother writing me and telling me about the pills and liquid my body rejected them they didn't absorb either thus why I had to get shots and even then my iron was not to where it should have been, but was higher than nothing so it was something. I hope Phil is in a better mood today when I see him. Yesterday he was super angry. Yell yell yell. Just layed into me within 5 mins of coming here and continued to do so for about an hour. Then on and off for the next few hours. I hate when he asks me a question that only has one answer, or asks me a question that I don't want to answer because it makes me sound like garbage. *tears* He thinks so little of me, and he thinks so little of his looks and tries to convince me that his appearance is not good. Just rips me up inside so much. Everything lately is negative negative negative. I asked him if when he talks to Ashley, Rebecca and Tiffany if he yells about his looks to them or is negative with them like he is with me. Those are 3 "friends" he has been talking to alot lately, and he went to have coffee with Ashley apparently from what he says on the weekend. Anyway I am gonna go for now...

Internal Confusion

First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose. Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell? Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot. Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work. Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather. Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know? Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousAlways dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines

I MIss Feeling Alive

So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.
I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.
I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.
I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!