Jumbled Lives

This year has just been such a jumble in life. Changes with me and all my kids. Changes with Phil and I. Now changes with my brother and Christine. Now Phil off work and not being able to do a damn thing. Life has really just truly sucked this year. It seems every year you think another year gone can't get much worse yet it comes and there it goes to get worse. I can honestly say I hate life more and more every day! But I am probably not alone in that. Sure there is lots of people int his world who feel the same way.
Why is it nothing every works out the way you want it to? Like life is destined to bite you in the ass just when you think your about to be happy?
Ya know since Doug and I started talking and I saw him finally, he just disappeared into the blue again? Like seeing me just made me worthless to him and he was better off not seeing me, I am confused: '(
Has anyone checked out my site http://www.petster.com/LadyIllusions/
I can say I am happy my brother bought me a ticket to go see Motley Crue and Aerosmith for my birthday I am so excited I just light up when I talk about it my friend Sherri is going with me too:) We are in row 11 so we are actually not too far back. I can't believe my brother actually bought it for my bday. I think that is the best thing to happen to me this year.
Oh I have to say I watched Gene Simmons Family Jewels cause I had nothing else to watch wow his kids are so normal and he is so funny. I loved watching the show. I can't believe there were people who actually did not know who he was that was so harsh lol.
Ya know I was thinking the other day it was commented to me how someone was gonna go back to smoking gain back their weight change back to who they were ect and how that was so bad. At first I agreed and then I was thinking if they change back maybe they weren't happy when they made those changes, maybe they made those changes feeling they had to because otherwise the love wouldn't be there like they should be. When did it be ok to put conditions on love? It seems now a days if there is not conditions on love then there is no love. Like with Doug I knew I had to never be negative, I had to always be positive, I knew I had my libidio stay strong. I knew what to say and not to say. I knew my bipolar kept him from moving in and that my lack of working and having disability kept him from marrying me. I am not stupid. Phil he always tells me he wouldn't have to yell at me or at us if we would just do what he tells us to do or do what he wants us to do. If it were HIS way all the time then he wouldn't have to yell. So I cry and I have to feel worthless because I just don't ever get it good enough for him. If I gained too much he would leave. Yeah there is another one for you. Doug never took me out when I weighed more, but when I lost weight he started to. Even then it was little. When did love come with conditions? How come it's not unconditional anymore, at what point in centuries did unconditional love happen? I wish I knew what it was to feel love for who I am just me just for who I am and for who my kids are, but have come to realize that doesn't exisit except in nursery rhymes. Why I am wasting peoples time by writing about it is beyond me. Anyhow off for now...

Phil Was In An Accident

Well Phil is off work, he got into an accident going to work and they think may have got hurt even worse at work. I met up with him at the hospital from his work on monday night and he fractured his elbow bone on the right and fracture his finger on the left hand. He was casted up on monday but had a CT scan on tuesday and now has an immobilizer on. They say he will be rechecked in 3 weeks right now he has escaped surgery but surgery may still be an option. If surgery happens they will be removing a bone. He is still applying to the military, just will put off his going in a little longer as they say he is off work at least 8 weeks :'( Roger has dropped off a bunch of stuff here, I call him at his place to wake him up every afternoon. I watched Kailar today was fun he is so good and easy to care for. Just tiring cause I been helping care for Phil too. My dad picked him up at work and took him to hospital. I called his mom at the hospital. His mom came to see him. His family all has been great and supportive. His family really loves him. He has been really loving towards me, says he thinks he got hurt so he would see he needs to love me more and be with me more and yada yada yada before he is off to the military. I just keep telling him to lay down and go sleep and I make sure he is on his meds regularly. I am glad he has his mom to support him. I worry about her too lately, she seems sore and is loosing alot of weight, I think about her alot! Sadly she lost one of her birds she was trying to save lately. It's always sad to loose an animal we care for. My newt disappeared, I didn't cry but I was super upset about it. I hope to get a couple newts when I got to salt spring. Maybe pay the kids a few bucks to get a couple in Aunty Jo's backyard again.My brother says he is gonna move back to the USA. My son has mentioned on many occasion he also wants to move to the USA. God the two of them are so alike. Roger says he is going to be a motivational speaker. I told him he has the experiences in life to be one too and one people will want to listen to. I am sure he could be one of those speakers you end up watching a show about on dateline :) Still nothing from Doug, wondering if he found a chick to lay on his plenty of fish site. Cause his dad said I missed him at their place and his phone is always right to voicemail. Apparently Michael meets ladies online as well. Ya know though I had met Doug on Monday Magazine and never for a moment regretted it. Phil however I met through my daughter, he used to take her friend and her out and so we met that way. Wierd but true :0 I'm getting more excited as the time gets closer to getting a tat or two. I am trying to convince Phil to get his favorite megatron transformer tattooed on him. With his nickname MegatronPro with it. The meds the doctor put him on for pain my dad says is an opiate pretty much prescription heroin on to joy. It's called: Dilaudid it pretty much just dulls his pain. So he has a couple motrin super strength as well.Anyhow here is some left overs and I am off:Tako-Davie Fl on Aleve Commercial wow he's hot!Never knew there was Hypnos god of sleep and he has a twin they work with Hades God of the Underworldhttp://www.shortperiod.com http://www.volvocarsus.com who would you give a volvo to? Know any up and coming sports prospects watch perrysprospects@ctv.ca http://www.freshenergy.com http://www.candlemard.com http://www.ytv.com http://www.victoriaball.com http://www.drphil.com http://www.aadac.com Alberta Alcohol & Drug Abuse Commission http://www.shadowshopper.com http://netpanel.researchbynet.com http://www.ballyrealage.com I love the drink called the Blue Lagoon Vodka, Blue Carakoe and sprite yummmmmmmmm.I watched a documentary on msnbc reports Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here: Kentucky State PenetentariaryA great Pen I think but two prisoners who have taken my interest is Victor Hiatt Looks like your average man & apparently is the most violent inmate surprises me and makes me very curious as to him as a person. The other is:Fleece Johnson, hard to believe he was considered one of the worst violent criminals when he went in as he seems like a great guy now. I'd love to talk to him and get to know how all that changed.

Happy Turkey Day, & More

Well I made turkey today for my brother, Phil and I. Turned out ok. Now all is quiet. I talked to Mary and then to DJ. DJ was a little harder I told him of all the changes and he automatically jumped to the conclusion I was setting it up to ask him to move back home. The thing is I don't have that on my mind at all because at his age why would I do that now? Everyone knows I have no thought of that at all. It almost feels like he wants me to ask him that, but I truly don't want to ask him that. If he ever came back it would be because it was on his motives, on his want and need. I hate right now how he inisists I kicked him out when I never did, he got mad at me for needing a 2 day break and left. I really wanted him to come home that weekend :'( He thinks that because I told him Sarah misses him I was trying to guilt trip him on the bus saying that that day. OMG I was stating the obvious, she does miss him ALOT! I hate fighting with him, I love him so much he is a great kid, I miss him and think about him all the time. Everyday for the last 5 days I have had very vivid dreams about him, so vivid I want to cry when I wake up. Why do we have such dreams?
Anyhow Phil is applying to the military, looks like if he goes into that he will soon be gone from victoria and I will not even have him to call :( His sister who is called his sister but isn't just got into the military leaves in a few weeks.
Roger and Christine aren't together so he has come here for a bit. He is talking about moving back to the USA. I kinda had a feeling he'd go back to the USA if that ever happened. Kinda makes me sad but one has to do what makes them happy.
Mary wants to move back still. Then there is just Sarah and I. She is pretty busy with her schedule and we do try to go out alot more often.
Phil and I had fun watching Kailar last week, we get to watch him again this week. He is a sweet kid :)
Doug seems to be busy, wonder if he finally found a chick who isn't calling him down. I know one chick had his interest so... Him and the place he works for got their heads shaved for cops for cancer. He says it's cold.
Went to Langford last week to check out Dollar Giant awesome store. I really like it but not how hard it is to get to if you use public transportation! Phil and I got in a fight on the road I hated it and I just wanted to get away. Getting in a fight out in public makes things so so so much worse. I fricken hate fighting!
I got a few text messages on my phone yesterday saying:
from: Chris Williams: Subject: 1/2 msg: Phil honey y didur x call me the other day saying ur engaged when ur not i thought it was funny u didn't tell her about me & u & t
msg: he kids nice trytrying 2 cal
msg: call me on my other line when she was talking 2 me oh was she mad that i was a girl but doesntshe know we still c eachother &uc
msg: um c thekids2 cyl love ya
How would you think and feel if your fiancee got messages like this on your cell? I am to say the least super choked!!! Phil says he has never been like that with her and he knows nothing about it or why she is doing this. I don't know what to think, feel or believe :'(
I was actually going to blog the other day on how would you feel if for as long as you've been together the person you've been with has been physically distant and then out of the blue is just hugely physically gropey and all over you, can't get enough. How do you take that? Do you think something is up or different? I mean it's made me just wonder what is up. I'm confused and now all the sudden this texting crap. Could the two be realated or am I just paranoid?
Anyhow here is written down and email stuff: I was excited to see Meatloaf has Bat Out Of Hell 3 is coming out in stores and going on tour? Is this so OMFG I love it, I love Meatloaf
http://ladyillusions.badoo.com/ http://tabbytime.petster.com/LadyIllusions http://www.matchfm.com/ I'm Sattorie http://www.onlinebootycall.comI'm LadyIllusions
http://www.theurcinvestigates.com or is it org? http://www.bestfriends.org http://www.beaches.com http://vampirefreaks.com http://www.amandatusing.com http://www.kidsmiles.ca The Legacy http://www.waramps.ca Ducks Unlimited http://www.ducks.ca
The B.C. Association for Community Living (BCACL) and the Provincial Government of British Columbia have proclaimed October as Community Living Month. Throughout the month, communities around the province and across Canada host Community Living Month events to celebrate the abilities and achievements of people with developmental disabilities. This year provides so many reasons to celebrate community living. Every day, I am overwhelmed and inspired by the unparalleled dedication and leadership of people with developmental disabilities and their families in our communities. Community Living Month makes us stop and take the time to celebrate our lives together.2006 marks BCACL's 10th anniversary of celebrating Community Living Month. Ten years ago, the last person with a developmental disability living in a large institution in BC moved to their home in the community. This year, we celebrate the United Nations’ Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. This convention clearly recognizes equal value, rights and contributions of people with developmental disabilities and their families to an extent never attained before in international law. We invite you to sign the Declaration to Create an Inclusive & Accessible Canada at www.endexclusion.ca. It is a Canada wide initiative designed to celebrate successes of people with disabilities. Join BCACL in supporting this initiative along with the Canadian Association for Community Living, the Council of Canadians with Disabilities and provincial and national partners. Add your voice to the thousands of citizens across Canada to end exclusion and celebrate the achievements we have made in advancing the rights of people with disabilities. Any effort you can make to help foster pride in our collective efforts to create communities which are welcoming of all abilities, can play a significant role in forging a greater sense of equality, acceptance and understanding within our society as a whole.

Manic Phase, Watch Out

Well wow here I am again. If you haven't guessed it yet, the last 2 or 3 weeks I have been in a huge manic phase. Thus why the doctor upped my meds to try and settle things back down. However unlike my psychiatrist she doesn't listen to me and goes alot slower with my meds. Which I guess could be a good thing, but doesn't feel so good when I feel the way I feel right now. I see her again in a week and a half, which I made sure to book just in case the med change wasn't going to be enough (as I knew it probably wouldn't be). I wish they had a pill that could just shut off all running thoughts, could shut of bad memories and that could completely turn off the pain. Not the physical pain that I am used to I would rather deal with the physical pain. It's the emotional pain because you can't touch it, you can't see it, you can't do a fucking thing about it but cry. I write about it, but that makes me cry more. I grew up where crying was not acceptable. Go to your room and cry, or do you want something to cry about? That is what we got. When I was with Doug somehow the phone would get disconnected or he would leave or fall offline. I learned with him if I had negative emotions to keep them to myself, he had enough negativity in his life and at work. Then there is Phil. Women cry to be manipulative little bitches, or we cry over anything and everything. It pisses him off pretty bad so I try I really try not to cry in front of him. Cause when I do it just makes it so much worse. Even my best friend Sherri has said I cry about everything. So yeah over time I have tried hard to just keep any tears I have to myself because I have learned crying in front of others will make it all that much worse. Crying won't solve a damn thing, it's stupid and should be controlled!
So anyway yeah I am on a manic up and down like you wouldn't believe it's almost hour by hour thing, sometimes minute by minute. One minute I am on a huge adreniline wanna clean everything, go do everything moment. The next I feel dead to the world and cranky tired. Just want to be left alone. My thoughts are scattered. I envy those who have their Bipolar under control for years, I would love to finally be there too. I know I am getting there but I want to already be there:'(
Some days I do ok just being Sarah and I. But then something happens or I see or hear something and I just feel like the earth has fallen out from under me and my world isn't right. Yesterday Mary called she got to go shopping with a friend of Michael's and was spoiled rotten, told her sounds like things are pretty good. She changes quick and says no just was fun with her at that moment. She's asked to come home at Christmas and I am feeling very conflicted about it. I am just torn up I don't know what to do. I miss her so much but she is so hard to deal with:'( Then DJ called today asked for me by my name that hurt. He wanted to know what spice I used when I cook my chicken:) Everyone loves my Cajun Chicken. I have to credit Michael he got me started with one recipe and I kinda expanded it. Now everyone is hooked on it. I guess I should be happy for the call but I miss him so much. It is ripping me up so much inside. I think about him everyday, he is so much like my brother and I, and I could talk to him about anything and everything. I realize now maybe I talked to him about too much I forgot he is just a kid not an adult and that was wrong. The one thing I hate is now Sarah thinks she has to be my protector. If she catches me crying she wants to fix it. If she sees me fighting she wants to protect me. So I am trying to keep everything low key and happy for her. Her and I go out alot. We shop and go downtown. We take pictures, go to her sports she's in. I am very proud of her, she is doing so much, sometimes I can't believe I gave birth to so much talent. When people ask if that is my daughter because she's so good I can't help but smile and proudly say yes she is and thanks. She is gonna be great you watch, one day in the papers and on TV she'll be in the sports section!!! She says she will say thanks to mom, dad and uncle bobbie(shakes head-from family guy, if she does that I am gonna scream lol).
Tomorrow is gonna be a long day we get to go watch Kailar for the day, Sarah has early day and soccer practise, and Phil's brother Rick's fiance Liz's bday is tomorrow and there is a dinner for her that we're supposed to go to. We shall see. As I said we keep busy and are almost always on the go now. I guess that is partially the reason for my lost weight.
I have about a cazillion pics to go through and edit so I can post them, I so need a CD burner I am sure I have a ton of space eaten up by the pics:) Phil says I take too many pics. Yeah well he buys too many Transformers lol. He has 3 or 4 more transformers he bought on ebay.
I did ask for transfer papers, depending on what I decide about Miss Mary I may transfer out of here.
I've been considering going to a chiropracter for my back, but when I saw wifeswap last night it looked so painful when the little girl was getting cracked and my dad told me when he went he felt worse after than he did when he went in. I noticed the other day that my one arm has really bumpy bumps on the bone, I was massaging it because it felt a little sore. I had a couple other people feel it and yep they said it feels wierd too. Great another spot where my bones are gonna be screwed up, like my back is not bad enough? I've had tendinitis for about 12yrs but it has been pretty good last couple yrs only lately has it been acting up. It sucks:(
I was so insulted today on Law & Order Criminal Intent they asked who would have 'O Canada' as a ringtone as if it were a bad thing. Hello? I have had it as a ring tone. Bad Law and Order writers I cannot believe that was written into the storyline. I am a little peeved by that!
I wanted to put this link before I forget, I have watched every Big Brother except the first one I cannot believe Chill Town won, and I think Mike only won because of Will. (shakes head) http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/big_brother_7/2006_Sep_13_mike_boogie_wins
Have you ever had something that if you see it or hear it a trigger goes off in your head? I have a few but one that I have and have tried to overcome because it didn't happen to me but someone I love and care about is duct tape. I watch alot of crime shows and true life crime ect and in watching those alot of scenes come up with people tied up or muffled with that and I always feel like puking and/or crying and I get flashbacks to something that happened when I was younger to someone else. I always wonder if it triggers them since it happened to them.
I have done alot of reading on siblings and their place in the family. I am the oldest of 3. Yet alot of people have mistaken me for the youngest. Actually it is me, then my sister and then my brother. I am the slower of the 3, and both my sister and my brother when I was younger had come to my defense. We are all very different.
Hmmmm well I had more to write but I have to go take my meds now. I just finished talking to my brother and changes have come to his life, which is bringing changes to my life. One good thing from it is being able to be a good big sister. I love being there for my little brother. I love to know that he knows he can always, always come to to me no matter what. Anyone who gets to be in my brothers life should hold him tight because he will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Trust me he is a keeper and I am sure his wife knew that to her dying day. I only hope he finds someone else to love him like she did again....
Anyhow some emails sent to me and am pasting here and laterz all....
Sunday night King Ring Nancy signed a record deal with DeadBunny Records and a management Deal also! We are proud to say we will be working under the care of Mr. Dixon Christie from this day on. Also our album is coming along very well and completion of the album is not far off.
It Must Be Nice To Be A Man...Because:1. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 2. Wrinkles add character. 3. The occasional well-renderedbelch is practically expected. 4. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut onto a bolt. 5. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. 6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 7. No one stares at your boobs when you’re having a conversation. 8. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 9. ONE mood, ALL the damn time. 10. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
For over 25 years, NAMI has been committed to raising awareness and promoting research into the causes and cures for mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health, and even the priority of NIMH in the larger research arena, has enjoyed a growth in funding due in no small part to NAMI advocacy. NAMI's tireless efforts to advocate for mental illness has resulted in a public investment in research and greatly influenced the private sector to expand its commitment as well. NAMI will celebrate its second annual Unmasking Mental Illness Gala in Washington, D.C. on October 18, 2006. The event will spotlight NAMI's commitment to promoting research into the causes, treatment, and cure for mental illnesses and will be attended by members of Congress, political leaders, and an honor roll of scientists and researchers. Patty Duke will present the 2006 NAMI Mind of America Scientific Research Award to Charles L. Bowden, M.D., for his seminal research on bipolar disorder. The $50,000 Award recognizes a scientist whose research has led to a greater understanding of mental illness. Specific treatments and significant advances in mental illness research are on the horizon; NAMI recognizes the federal government's role in supporting enhanced funding for public research, partnering with ongoing private research.In the coming months, NAMI will launch a federal advocacy initiative focused on new treatments, scientific breakthroughs, and ultimately a cure for mental illness. We can't do this alone. Find out about ways you can support NAMI as we move forward with our commitment to research through our Donation Center. (http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Donate&lstid=747) Learn more about the Gala and how you can attend (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Unmasking_Mental_Illness_Gala&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=25805)
Canadians in Hell:
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

Conversational Pieces

So last night while we were on our way home from Colwood the subject of tattoos came up. It is for sure I am getting this tat for my birthday. I was told by my mother I really am being stupid because I never knew my neice. That hurt alot. When my sister in law Tara died I wanted nothing more than to get a ticket to Georgia and fly to be by my brothers side. I was worried about my neice she was born so early and so small I just wanted to go. However my mother chose to go ahead of me and asked me to come out later. You have no idea how many times I have cried and cried and cried over the fact that I didn't do what my gut told me to do. I remember hearing her coo on the phone and how excited I was to go see her, even considered leaving my kids at home and still going earlier than January. Everything in me told me to go early. When I got that call that she had died I wanted to die. I could not get out of canada soon enough. I wanted to be with my brother, I wanted to be with my mom, I wanted for it to be all a bad dream. I generally don't talk about it and my family has made me feel like I have no right to hurt over it or to think about it. God this is so painful to write about. I feel like maybe if I had gone when I was going to maybe things would be different. I did all I could from home. I called and wrote so many people to help my brother. But it never felt like enough. I just kept wanting to wake up. I hated everyone and I hated God. I felt so angry at myself and at the world. I want to know how God chooses which child lives and which child doesn't. My son almost died but he came back why didn't my neice? I never got to see her alive, only her coos on the other end of a phone. However the day she was buried I went to the parlour to see her with my mother. If you want reality it hits you when you hold a child who's crossed over into heaven. I wanted her to wake up as I held her. I put on her little crucifix and the little satin slippers I had bought her for her baptism that never happened. You never forget the pain that comes with holding a lifeless child. I didn't know her but I felt her spirit and still do. As we placed her back in the casket and covered her sweet little body I placed a note my brother wrote next to her and told her daddy loved her and so did I. One day I'd see her again. Sometimes when I am feeling as low as I can feel I feel her there next to me, along with my best friends mom who I call MOM, I refer to her as my surrogate mom. So anyhow that is why this tattoo I think will bring me some peace and make me feel closer to my neice. I though do agree I don't have the right to hurt like my brother and mother who were there from beginning to end, and I am sorry I cry at all. I should be stronger. I hate myself for being so weak!!!!
I had thought of getting a tattoo in memory of my surrogate parents (my best friends mom & dad) but their not my parents and I don't want to go over a line that is too far. Mom though was everything to me. There for everything in my life. I thought I was gonna die when she died. I alot of times I could stop hurting over her because she's not my mom and it's not natural. I have a mom and dad and they are both plenty alive. It's so wrong and unnatural what I feel. I lost it at her memorial. I remember Sherri saying I hope your this upset when your real mother dies. My surrogate mom was tuff and was strong and she told it like it was. She never put me down and never made me feel bad about myself. She was unlike anyone I have ever known and will ever know again. I felt safe with her and loved with her. I never felt like I couldn't tell her anything, it's not like that with my normal mom and never will be. I don't know why I have such an unnatural attachment to her but I do know it probably isn't right or healthy, and even more wrong to be this way when she is deceased:(
I've always thought about doing tat's for my kids DJ had planned a tat I actually loved the idea and want to do to represent him a grim reaper holding a baby representing living through the brinks of death, soccer for Sarah but not sure about my other child yet. I saw today in the older days emporers and kings had crests and crosses tattoo's on them. I think that would be awesome, It would be cool to make a crest of my own with my kids representations wouldn't it? Then later to have my family name tattoo crest as I am scottish and we do have one?
I am looking at getting megatron with a broken heart with a drop of blood. I have always had a fascination with tat's. I just think they are so hot. Just like I love long well groomed hair and big blue or brown eyes. My issue with tat's right now is I have lost so much weight I have alot of loose skin and I really need a tummy tuck and liposuction and I don't want to get tat's where I might get those things done. My skin is so excessive I have alot of painful rashes. The burn pics where it looks like butt pics, some kids thought they were uhm yeah NOT BUTT PICS that is loose skin on my side. Yeah hi nice huh? Ever so sexy? NOT!!!! They used to do pannelectomy's no problem apparently now you have to fight to get them done. If you do win you apparently get around 230 dollars canadian. Who the hell is going to do surgery for that much money? Meanwhile the pain of the loose skin also causes alot of pain in my back because it pulls. I lost my breasts but now they sag and need to be pulled up because again pretty sure the sagging affects the pain in my back. I AM SICK OF BEING IN PAIN!!!!!
I have always wanted something to represent my scorpio sign as well. I am obssessed with being a scorpio, the best sign of the zodiac.
It is cool how when tats come up people will jump into conversation and talk about their take on tats and if they have any discuss the ones they have. I think that is so awesome. Apparently in New York Paul Booth does tats in a window so people can see him doing them as they pass by, holy shit that would rock wouldn't it? Definetly tat's by far are a huge conversation piece. It's nice to see more women are getting them. I just say be sure it's what you want and if it is go for it and screw what anyone says to try and stop you from doing it.
It was kind of a flashback being in the mall parking lot in Colwood last night too. Cars were driving like idiots full of young adults and teens. A fight was out for a couple minutes. Flashbacks to days I was in. Some guy was yelling at another guy about getting his money. Eventually got back in his car and sped out, but stopped long enough to say and Chris you know where I'm from or something to that degree. Wow I remember shit like that going on with friends I hung out with. I used it as an example to talk to my daughter about how you can get caught up in trouble. You just never know when stuff is gonna happen when your with people like that.
Anyhow here is some stuff I have to throw in and then I am off for now:
Celebrity Duets I was so jealous of Lucy Lawless for being able to sing with Bonnie Tyler one of my favorite all time songs and video for that matter Total Eclipse of the Heart, I just cried like a baby. I also loved the entire outfit damn I'd kill for that outfit! However I still vote for Hal Sparks holy frick yes baby I'll spend a day with him and buy any album he puts out:)
I recently watched Edmund Perry Story Murder Without Motive it was an OK movie. Scary Movie 4 was funny but was just ok was a little over the top. However I watched AN AMERICAN HAUNTING- Awesome movie, very well done and about half the way through I put it together and figured out what was going on but still it held me to it. I am hard to please but I would buy this movie and watch it again. Donald Sutherland did a really awesome job. Kudos goes out to him. I loved this, you have to see it it is based on true facts. I love true stories but alot have sucked lately, not this one this was well played out!
Oh wow I am so happy to hear that the old lady "Jacquiline" who was raped and had no home got alot of help from AMW and people who watch AMW. It's horrible that some guy would do that to a little old lady living on the streets. He is just the sickest of the sick!
If anyone is interested in whitening products on the market I have tried a few. From Oral-B Rembrandt Whitening Strips I got the box of 14 strips whitens in 5 days. You put the strips on for 30mins a day. Well these are a pain in the ass to use. They are hard to place on properly, your constantly watching the time and they do not always stay stuck on your teeth. For the price you pay I really think they should do a better and easier job!
Natural White 5 Minute Whitening Gel with patented Duplex Mouth Tray, not too bad to use I don't think it whitens all that well and doesn't taste too bad. You get a bottle of mouth rinse as well that supposed to encourage a fresh mouth and whitening to take. Tray I found a little uncomfortable but ok.
Natural White Pro-Dual Action Whitening Gel 14 day treatment. Once again using a mouth tray. I had hard time getting it in tray because of thickness, did have some good white results but not as white as I had thought you would get and 14 days seems like alot when you see how much of the gel you end up needing in the tray. 5mins for 14 days
Plus+White-5 minute Teeth Whitener Gel, Oxygenating Action Like Dentists Use to Whiten Teeth. Nice cheap price applied with cotton Swab to the surface of your teeth. 3-5 minutes for 2 weeks and then use once or twice weekly. As they say you get what you pay for. Will whiten your teeth but not much better than any of the whitening toothpastes out there.
Crest Vivid White Night toothpaste, I like it. I like the moonlight mint and I don't know that it helps loosen the plaque for the next morning all that much but people do seem to notice a difference with this toothpaste it is my new choice in nighttime toothpaste and my new daytime toothpaste is: Crest Vivid White, I use invigorating mint, again not sure it does what it says it does but I do like the stuff so for now it's the new choice of household toothpaste:)
Crest Whitening Expressions I have tried a few and YUCK! Tastes like your putting candy in your mouth to brush your teeth. Definetly saw no whitening happening, not a toothpaste for my home.
Aquafresh Extreme Clean Powerwhite, with micro-active foaming action, popular with some people who have tried around here but I do not like it at all. Don't like the test did not see any difference in whitening, do not like feeling like I am brushing with soap not toothpaste.
Arm & Hammer All-In-One with 3 hour fresh Breath- I felt like my teeth were definetly clean, says it whitens but didn't see that happen. The 3 hour fresh breath uhm have not seen that be true for anyone who has used it.
Oh I liked the show Jericho somewhat, I am hooked for the moment on Hereo's which I had every intention of NOT WATCHING. But someone explain to me what is with the chick in the mirror that's the one power I do not understand I'm in the dark on that one????? I have not got to watch my ghost whisper new episodes yet. I like Close to Home but I hate that she is now a single mom, why did they do that? I do not like the new cop on SUV but I didn'nt like the two new cops last year either and I probably never will! I love my Without A Trace. I am not sure how I feel about Kidnapped. Cold Case Files is doing good. Intervention is always good. AMW will always have me as a viewer. I am really inot the storylines on CSI and CSI Miami already, they are off to an awesome start. Is Medium coming back? 48Hr Mystery I still am watching and of course Dateline is always a good watch and Primetime Live. Sometimes 20/20 but not always. I did watch the 20/20 this week with Barbara Walters. I LOVE JUSTICE I am addicted to that show hugely already and Shark is turning big for me. I love how tuff he is in court but how slow he is with his daughter. I love how they do that, he needs to have that in the storyline you can bond with his character better.
Anyhow my back is killing me so am off for now...

My Ramblings...

Now that I did an update I can update all the things I had written down. Another of my mixed up thoughts all written on different things but wanted to blog about. Oh Phil finally got the Primus transformer he wanted and he has thus far I think 4 of the smallest titanium transformers and megatron and Ultimus Prime the next size up in titanium. He also ordered a few more transformers online. He bought me the mini robotronic robot I wanted I told him not to bother but he bought it. I want the jr and big huge one too. I have wanted the huge one forever. *dreams off in dreamworld for a second* [So remember how I asked if ya had a friend who wouldn't talk to anyone around her about what was really going on in her life because it was bad? I mean things like having to lock herself in a room to escape being yelled at and having to be asked if she wants him dead or to kill him. Even going so far as to leave her own home because she couldn't escape him at home and he still chased after her? I mean this is all hypothetical. I have been reading some interesting forums. But some people think well she's not getting beat up right? So deal with it? I think maybe that would be one reason she wouldn't say anything. It's a little unearthing.]Really proud of Sarah she scored the tie goal for her team for their first game. I am so proud of how good she is. I just wish my family could find an hour out of 1 fricken day to come out and cheer her on. None of them even came for her birthday or sent her even a card. I tried to call my brother to invite him for her he hung up on me. My sister could careless if my children and I drop dead. Oh wait yeah she cares about Mary. My mom will go babysit puppies in colwood but won't go to a game because a handful of parents are there. My dad said he'll go to a couple of her games. As for her bday Most of Phil's family said happy bday to her and she got some cards and a few gift. She more wanted just to see her family. But unfortuately I am the ugly, stupid, no good, bipolar, bitch, slut, hoare, bad mother to my family, so my kids have to suffer because they hate me:'(Ok I am getting myself worked up so am gonna just do my blog papers now, here goes in no particular order:I am thinking about seeing if I can get involved with the Victorian Society as I love that era so very very much. Plus I am getting ot alot more now and am slowly feeling stronger and less anxious around people. I may still need to get ativan for my panic attacks around bigger groups of people.Sarah and I colored our hair together. I was always against it but I decided it's just hair she is the one who has to wear it, so if she wants it colored I guess that's fine with me.On wifeswap I really really loved the Zemanek Family. Jill & John seem like really cool people and I love the name they gave their son Deuce. I love it! Their daughter Raven is sweet too. They live in Arizona. When they showed their house I was like omg I fricken love it. I love how they turned a coffin into a couch I so love that. God I would so love to get a room done up the way they had theirs set up. I think it rocks!http://www.Vampirefreaks.com http://www.islandart.com http://www.manlaw.com http://www.10work.com http://www.thetvboss.org http://www.askdrk.com http://www.whitelight.com http://www.igia.com http://www.overstock.com/tvoffer http://www.cba.org http://www.ichannel.ca http://www.womensware.com http://www.onmemory.ca http://thecastle.ca http://www.tarabaker.com http://www.bettermeals.com http://www.myhealthyspace.ca http://www.luxtonfair.ca http://www.autotrader.ca http://www.stickupbulb.com http://www.sesamenet.org http://www.artincognito.com http://www.vivauctions.com http://www.exitnow.ca http://www.darkness2light.org http://www.childrenswishes.ca http://www.mygirlyspace.com http://www.wendyhutchens.com http://www.judgeoj.com http://makeyourvoicecount.com http://www.blood.ca http://www.floamcanada.com http://www.sportinabox.ca http://www.tmz.com http://www.whitesonly.net http://www.surreyreuses.com http://www.prisonpals.com http://www.lightthenight.org http://www.hate.com I watch alot of MSNBC I will watch and rewatch and rewatch again the dark heart iron hand episodes. I love some of the things in the different jails they do. Like one jail does Macbeth with some of their inmates. It actually has been well recieved and is interesting to listen to a session. Certain crimes and prisoners have touched me more than others.Kevin McLaughlin In Wabash Valley Correctional Facility. He is a self-injurer. Listening to him talk about it I totally understood it. I don't think you can understand it unless you've been a self injurer yourself, you can try to understand it, but if you haven't done it screw you and all your I understanding crap!The Movie: The Riverman was interesting to watch. I liked not just learning about the greenriver killer but Ted Bundy. Who couldn't even call his vitims women no he called them "entities" It's kinda cool that he helped them find the riverman. I saw the wedding band on in the movie and looked it up. I hadn't realized Ted had gotten married and had a little girl. I think the police failed alot of women. Gary Ridgeway(riverman) could have been caught long before he was. They just did not follow up like they should of and did not keep ontop of him when they talked to him. I truly feel some women died because police were behind the ball. What's sad about Ted well God he could have had such a great life, he was so damn smart and alluring. I really feel for him in my heart. Dying was probably one of his best days. I think him dying was such a waste of a life that could have been so different and so much better. It's disheartening!Kentucky Prison known as Kentucky Castle seems to be run pretty well. They have wild kitties outside in the yards the guys love them. The cats are like family to them. 2 prisoners I believe are there that I thought were cool were: Fleece Johnson & Victor Hiatt.. I have written here Moral Recognition Therapy I believe that is a program run there.Teshawn Solomon sang a really nice song in L.A. COunty Jail. Documentary. Lockup in LA County MSNBC in jail for 12 yrs I believe they said but was awaiting a transfer.John Karr now that guy reminded me of BTK not so much for having same crimes as they were totally different. I mean in how BTK came out after he had disappeared because some guy was getting attention for a book he was writting on him and he got pissed and so came back out to put the attention back on himself. So now we come to John Karr who claims to have killed Jon Bennett Ramsey. I was like he so didn't do it. But people are stupid and they believed him so what did he get MEGA FRICKEN MEDIA ATTENTION AROUND THE WORLD!!! Exactly what he wanted. However when DNA came back what did we find out. The ass is a big huge ass wannabe. He is a sick perverse pig and we know he is getting charges but not for what he told the world. Good riddens John Karr. Soon you'll be forgotten about and that's all you deserve!!! I do have to say this Baby Tristen Buckett I do hope that little boy is alive. But I do despise what the media has done to his mother. I totally blame the media for the crap they have said about her. You cannot base guilt NANCY GRACE on the fact that she had in the newspaper an ad for selling that car seat. There could be any number of reasons why she was selling one. Ever heard of a bus? I never put my kids in a seat on the bus? Maybe she was never using that seat in the first place maybe someone was driving and they had a seat they used. Maybe she was so hysterical about loosing her son that she just couldn't think in a rational mind. This girl was pounced on by the media you give her less than 30 secs asking up to 5 questions all at once. I just think things should have been handled alot better than they were. Also using what she wrote in her blogs what a fricken load of crap that is. Alot of people write to just vent or be another person who they can't be in real life. You can't base shit on things people write. I mean God there are people out there who have blogs in character of cartoons for God sakes. I feel sad for both the little boy and a mother who felt she had no where to turn but to kill herself. The media can be great and I am a fan of Nancy's but I think she was too hard on Ms Buckett!As for the teacher Debra Lafave sleeping with a 14 year old student and then saying she was bipolar and manic at the time. I am bipolar. I would never sleep with a 14yr old and I certaily would never blame it on bipolar. It is true being bipolar for some will make you hypersexual I know it took many years and many many many med changes to realize that was not normal that was my bipolar. I am much more relaxed and laid back now. I wish I had those meds as a teen:'( Anyhow She says he wanted it and she gave it to him. Says he pushed her up against the board in the classroom and pulled up her top and she told him to stop it one day with his friend there. I believe that is the day he told on her, but not 100% sure. Her ex-husband and her looked so good together and she is so beautiful what the hell was she fricken thinking. Then she just gets house arrest? If a male teacher had done the same he'd been in jail. Beauty should not equal freedom. She did a bad thing and should serve the time!Not sure why I have it written but I have KIMVEERI also wanted to say my heart goes out to the families at Dawson College in Quebec Canada. *hugs*Give to the Carol sund/Carrington FoundationWant to read the book: Violence in Our Lives Dr. Elizabeth Caril PH.D.Bilbo the Lifeguard saved a life recently, gotta love man's best friend:)Oh this guy that does taxidermy, he'll freeze dry your pets for ya. OMG they look so real. I love his work. You should check him out! Mac's Taxidermy he was on Primetime I believe he quoted $1000 for the first 10lbs and then $150 for the next amount of pounds not sure which amount that is.World Church of the CreatorThe Turner DiariesExtremists Documentary ChannelPolice use C.A.R.F.Wow can you fricken believe PLAYDOH is 50yrs old? Man I would so love to spend a week with Dr.Jane G Medical Examiner(show on Discovery Health), she is really sweet and thorough. I am interested in autopsy but would like to spend a week in actual autopsies seeing what it would be like to be there and to assist.I am so saddened for Anna Nicole Smith loosing her son while welcoming into the world a new child. Her emotions must be all over the place. She must be hurting. I wish her the very best. And her new little one.OK OK OK OK NBC I AM SO SUCKED IN AT LEAST FOR THE MOMENT TO THE NEW SHOW HEREOS!!!!! But can someone explain to the stupid part of me how that girl seeing another of herself in reflections works? I take it she's protecting her? I am confused on the reflection I don't get it.Question anyone give me a clue on where I might be recognizing the lady head detective from on THE CLOSER? I know I know her from something.Another show I love now is HAUNTING EVIDENCE, John Oliver & Karla Baron are 2 different types of psychics but they are so right on the money I mean BANG ON! Seriously you have to see these two in action they are phenomenal.CELEBRITY DUETS is ok I watch it because there is nothing else on it's time slot. But I do LOVE LOVE LOVE did I say LOVE HAL SPARKS!!!!!OMG when he came out singing from Twisted sister and playing that guitar, singing-We're Not Gonna Take It. I was screaming right along with them. WHEW THEY ROCKED THAT STAGE! David Foster said he would take him to his studio and make him a singer. DAVID FOSTER YOU BETTER!!!! I want an album to buy whew hoo:)http://myhealthyspace.ca is something I read up on in our local paper. It's an experiment to create a blog to communicate with our youth. There is also a coloring contest for elementary students.I watched a biography about Dr. Heinz Lehmann a psychiatrist of north america/clinician a really great man. Helped to bring in medications into North America for people with mental disorders. He was inducted into the canadian medical hall of fame. He taught at the Douglas Hospital. He did alot of tests for different things I caught that he did one called a dandilion test. Our goverment gave money for him to have round the clock nurses for a handful of the worse case senerios patients. They didn't talk, dress, spread feces on the walls ect. What he wanted to see is if they had round the clock personal care, would they change. First they played with mud to emulate feces, then to finger painting, then drawing, eventually they started to dress and dance and sing and talk and they were doing really well. But after 6 mos the money ran out and they didn't give anymore funding and they went back to the way they were. Shame on the goverment. I was really saddened that so much came out of that and then to take it away how cruel was that? Another thing he pointed out. Our asylums are all closing down families have to care for the mentally ill now. Because there is meds, but meds does not fix it all, some can't remember to take it, or need help to take it ect. I know they said one asylum used to have 2500 now there is less than 200 eventually there will be none. In the old days you could put your spouse in one and divorce them on those grounds. But when they got better they had no where to go. That is incredibly saddening to me. What happened to the wedding vows till death us do part and through sickness and in health? *a little teary* Anyhow he died inApril 7, 1999. The National Mental Health Institute is in Washington USA. I do like a theory they are looking at they have taken identical twins and like the ones we saw one had schizophrenia and one did not. A gland in the brain was small it was normal the other way bigger he was the one with schizophrenia. They are theorizing that it might not be gentic after all but that at some point we become vulnerable to a certain virus and that is what causes the mental illness. That one day we may have a vaccination to prevent mental illness. If you have it already you'd be too late. But wouldn't that be great for people down the line? I've always wondered why I can't just get a couple shots a month I hate fricken taking meds I hate it!Oh I bought this medical buffer I thought it was great. Sold by a small stand in the mall called Temptation from the dead sea. Actually I sulked at Phil to get it for me. Phil wasn't impressed but I was a sucker. So you get this medical buffer with 4 sides. The normal black emery, then a white side, a grey side and a pink side. You buff your nails and the last color when your done your nails are naturally shiny, that is what got me suckered. I loved how shiny it made my nails look without polish. Then you get cuticle softner for the last thing and moisturizing Body lotion. Well all Summer I was like holy crap my nails are so long I love it they finally are nice and long. A few days after I used the medical buffer my nails BROKE every single one of them and keep breaking:'( You can check out their products: http://www.temptationbeauty.com I do like the smell of the lotionwe got Thursdays Embrace.If you have not yet tried any of the Clairol Herbal Essences Shampoo's you so got to. No one is allowed to use mine. The one I LOVE isHELLO HYDRATION in the blue bottle with a fusion of orchid & coconut milk

Is It Fall Already?

So Summer was getting over my stupid burn. Getting shirts made Summer of Spillage 2006. Threw a suprise Party for Phil and mixed it with a party for his mother which off pretty great. His family helped out with getting him a great bike for his bday. As there is now no car. Went to Keg for dinner where I forced myself to eat my escargot as it was so bad that bad is the understatement of the year. I cried it was so bad. I love escargot. Marshal McSheffrey a friend of mine got me started on them and I have loved them ever since. I really wish I could track that man down. Last I had spoke to him he was just getting out of jail in sasketchewan. I used to live with him and my ex boyfriend Warren(shadoe) in Agassiz BC. He was such a great friend I must track him down!
Anyhow my friend Derek McKay who works with he calls a "mind machine" tracked me down he had got together with a lady I believe on monday magazine he says they credit me with their relationship of 2 years. He had given me his number and email addresses and I got burned that same week and lost that info. Now I can't find it anywhere. I could just cry. He was alot like Doug. He was the one other person I trusted to tell anything and everything to, that I knew would come running if I needed anything. We only have a few people in our lives we know we can depend on and he was one of them so when I saw him I was so happy and excited. What I love about Derek is it has always been platonic as well. Just really good friends and nothing more, so I can be myself!
I went to salt spring island for the first time and met some people with AWESOME tat's and have decided that is where I am going to get my tat's. For my bday I already talked to the artist and she is going to make a special loopy writing for ALDEN's name and the ribbon I'm finally getting it done. I know I'll probably cry the whole time. I've wanted this done for a really long time. Alden is my deceased niece who I think of always and recently felt her close to me in a time when was probably not the best of times and that was hard. But I guess those times happen.
I have a special bracelet I wear for her and it never ever comes off!
Sarah had 3 parties that went very well and has now started the soccer season. Mary is happily doing her competitive cheerleading:) Decemenber will be the decicion of trial over or not. I saw Dj on the bus a couple days ago, talking didn't go well it was hard. He reminds me so much of my mother and my brother!!!
Finally got a BBQ earned with points, so it's been awesome having bbq food.
I lost the 2 sizes I had regained and then lost more. I struggle with eating though. I also get bad rashes from the extra skin, so bad I have screamed in pain and had to go to hospital. They gave me a cream and some kind of medication that helps the pain and puts me to sleep.
As for my other meds they were recently slightly uppsed and I now used blister backs and get them weekly so doing ok with those.
I also want to do a petition online and in r/l for MADD to change the canadian law about temporarily giving drunk drivers licenses after a 24hr suspension of drunk driving. This past canada day I allowed a child of mine to go to the beach with a friend of theirs to the beach because their mother was taking them. She was sober and said would be back in a few hours. Hours later my child came home saying the police brough them and their friend back. The mom was arrested and taken to jail. Not only did the officer not contact me it took me a couple weeks to reach the officer who then yes verified the mother had just finished drinking a wine cooler when they found them in a road stop. Was taken to the station 24hr suspension and then 3 month suspension. What I did not know is you get 3 weeks temporary license before that 3 months comes into play. I keep thinking what if my child had been seriously hurt or injured? Apparently in Ontario and quebec it is 7 days temporary. I also have come to learn by word of the kids mouth she has been driving despite the 3 months suspension. But if I don't see that for myself what can I do? It makes me so livid. My Child is no longer allowed to go anywhere or sleep over there anymore.
I am excited as all hell that all my shows are finally all new:)
[Here is a question for you. What would you tell a friend who is closing herself off from those around her because she does not want them to see or want to slep about what she is going through. What if you are the only one who knows she and those she holds closest are being yelled at, have hands laid on, have had walls and doors beaten in. That they are scared of it getting much worse but they refuse to tell anyone what do you tell them?]
Oh I finally saw Doug the other day. Went to starbucks I had water he had some type of coffee. Phil was still in bed, although was doing laundry when I got home and YES HE KNEW! He also came back over that evening for a bit before he went to work that night. YES AGAIN PHIL KNEW. His teeth look really awesome. He looks really awesome. He is trying to meet women right now. I do have to say for God sakes what the hell is with you women out there? Do you have to be so fricken nasty. No he's not the tallest guy out there. But ya know Phil he is only 5'4" and size in height is not something that should be an issue. Glasses should NOT be an issue. Is it just me I thought alot of us women liked our men on the bigger side. Part of what I loved about Doug was when he wrapped his arms around me they were so strong and hard. I mean his chest is hard and his arms HARD as rocks he is hard ladies. Never a problem in the bedroom, if there is one I guarantee it's not him it's YOU!!! He is single right now and he deserves someone who is not a bitch and who loves the old fashion kind of man because he is the type that just isn't out there anymore. He is a hard worker and close to his family. Yeah I do love him I am sure that is obvious. Always have and I always will. That is why I am saying it takes a special kind of bitch to be nasty enough to meet someone and say you short, glasses I don't think so your not my type your ugly. I mean guys have fricken feelings too what the hell? Have some heart I mean seriously women who do shit like that gives all women a bad name!!!
Anyhow we saved Bonnie & Clyde from being put down. They are 2 beautiful cats that were Colin's but he is moving as he is gonna be a daddy. (phil's youngest brother). They are 7yrs old.
So Far I am sad we only got to see Ray for a minute or so on CSI Miami, I loved the opening to CSI, I tried to get into Vanished and it drags on too much I stopped watching, I like the show Justice but they need to speed it up just a little bit. I'm liking Shark.
Anyhow am tired so off for now...

Yes I Am Still Alive

Well I did upload some of my burn pics on my msn space but they are nothing compared to some of the other ones I still have to post. I been in bed alot because it hurt so bad. The doctors are not sure why I burnt so bad, my meds should have been ok. I was in my backyard all of 3 hours and not even the whole 3 hours in the morning. Then Phil gave me soup and I went to open the lid I had nothing covering me because it hurt too bad and spilt the soup all down my already horrendously bad burn. I expected Phil to yell at me for being so stupid but he just yelled at me to get into the tub. Sarah was yelling for an ambulance I was hyperventilating and wouldn't talk to either of them. The world was just spinning and I really felt like I was going to die. I soaked a towel with rreally cold water. Phil sat by me until I started to breathe properly then he went and made the bed. He said he should have opened the soup in the first place. I didn't care all I knew is I felt stupid and I was in soooooo much pain. We did go to the hospital a couple days later and found out I am allergic to solercaine. Didn't find out till yesterdays visit that it is a magor allergin!! Thanks Last doctors could have told us so. Mostly healed now except my left shin is still torn open and hurts like a bitch as a result of using solarcaine on the burn there, and chest has some magor sores and now that scales and yellowness is gone I have an itch that had me screaming in pain and finally we went to dr last week she gave me a low dose hydracortisone cream which did NOTHING! We went to hospital yesterday and I bawled my eyes out and they gave me a much much stronger hydracortizone cream holy shit it is so soft. Plus Phil and I pleaded for something internal and they gave me this stuff that stops the itching but knocks you out, well hell I don't care knock me out get rid of this rash. The rash they still do not know where it is from. I may still have to see a dermatologist, apparently my back is somewhat colorful:(Mary is a little wishy washy about her feelings on being with her dad. DJ still hates me but has spent longer on the phone talking to me on the phone. Sarah had fun we got stuff for her party the other day and got her hair all cut off.Phil's car completely died. So now we have no car, oh the fun we shall now have. It appears my family understands why we would need a car but his family not so much. But life is life and ya gotta do with what you can do with.I know nothing I say or do lately seems to make Phil happy. He yells how ugly he is, how old he is getting. Now that his little brother is now going to be a dad he yells at me because I can't have a kid of his. Like I did it on purpose. I couldn't have another kid long long long before I met Phil. But it kills me and makes me feel inconsequential and worthless because I can't get him a new car and I can't give him lots of kids and I don't make lots of money. I have had him so angry at me and I don't know what I did. I wish to God I could give him the world. I wish I could buy him a brand new truck and every transformer, that I could give him all the kids he could handle. I wish I could give him all the money in the world to spend. I wish I were more healthy and I know I am stupid and unstable and I shouldn't have to take meds like I do. I can't hike and climb like I used to. I try to stay offline because I don't want him thinking I would talk to any guy for any reason. I wouldn't interest any guy anyway I mean who wants junk like me? Phil always has chicks at his feet why can't he see how hot he still is?His bday is coming up I been planning things I want so much to make it huge for him. He deserves the best!!! ANyhow I am fine taking my meds, healing and hope everyone else is well!!!

Thoughts Transferred From Paper

RCMP-Project KAREI am interested in this case of Justin Barber being prosecuted for killing his wife on the beach April Barber. She was shot once in the cheek in never exited so bounced around in her head and she died he was shot 4 times, left shoulder, right chest, right shoulder/neck, and left hand. I myself have no belief in the fact that he would shoot himself that many times and then go get help. No he didn't call 911 and he drove nearly 10 miles before getting out of the car to waive down help. But hello he was shot loosing blood not thinking and in a very desolate area. People this is I think a waste of money to try this poor man. Telus Mobility/pay & talk is NOT USER FRIENDLY! I am sick of trying to reach a human on the phone & not being able to top up an account in a fast & easy manner. Grrr I hate telus.Terrorists caught in Onatario asked the court for a publication ban on publication. 14 of them of them were in the court on the 11th. I say screw a publication ban we have a right to know what was up and how and why. Still shocks me. The investigation and procedings against the motorcycle club Bandidos in canada is still going on. They put very little tidbits about it in the news.Is it just me or do other people think the "sporster" motorcycle is not near as gorgeous as a real Harley Davidson Beauty? I know it's the same name company but to me it comes off as a wanna be cool but can't quite do it so I'll settle for this bike. My teeth are still hurting so damn bad. My left upper back molar hardly has anything left, filling is only thing holding it in. Right back molar hurts, about half of it is left. Every once in awhile it tastes like something is draining from them it leaves a yucky taste in my mouth. Saturday night I wasn't doing so hot and it would appear I had yet another fall only reason I know is because my head, my shoulder and side of face are puffy and sore. Can't even touch them. Waiting to see brusies. We figured I fell hard and knocked myself unconscious as Phil found me passed out on the floor. I just wish I could remember. My balance does seem off as of late. Sucks.2 and a half weeks left and counting till peace hopefully will be abound. The countdown is in effect. I am drinking alot of milk lately but not eating much more than crackers and soup. I drank almost 10 litres in 3 or 4 days. It's skim milk. Nothing else seems to taste good to me. The creamy cold smooth taste just feels so good ya know? I do only drink dairyland, island farms sucks it has an off taste to it.Nice to finally see the Susan Polk case coming to an end eh?Britney speaks out on Dateline tonight and you can always check her out on http://www.brinttneyspears.comI have to say I am a fan to Max Kellerman. He always seems so well spoken and really keeps my attention. Even when I don't always agree with what he says. Not too bad looking either. ADDERAL is a prescription Drug for your brain given out in the USA mostly taken by college and university students from what I understand. WTF? People get a grip already. I agree with Tucker Carlson glad to see he doesn't see the point of them either.Phil surprised me this weekend he brought me home a long stemmed red rose, can't remember the last time I got anythingIs it just me or did Nancy Grace get a haircut? I love it.With my meds I get really bad dry mouth anyone got any ideas for dealing with chronic dry mouth?I so would love to go see Just For Laughs in Montreal canada. I just watched Tracy Smith she is hilarious.Not to bell Mobility Canada I love the beavers commercials but am disturbed by the shaving commercial!I get the idea but it is still disturbing!http://sfaproductions.com"If I had a faith that could move mountains but had not love than I have nothing"I hate the yo yo roller coaster emotions I've been on lately, withmy meds my moods slowed down. But with the emptiness & hurt of loosing DJ & in just over 2 weeks other changes are coming. Phil is way out of control of his emotions I am just so off and on.Ok I started this then been procrastinating but am back and hope to get this caught up and not fall back again,,, so here we goJune18- http://www.mensfacts.com apparently an atheist wanted to file a lawsuit as they believed it was against their constituational rights to have "In God We Trust" On their coins. Of course the judge rejected it. Godd God people give me a break! People will really sue over anything.2 cops patrolling a beach in an SUV ran over an IOWA sunbather killing her. She was there for her sons wedding. The 2 officers in california are on paid leavepending an investigation. One word from me is-HARSH! Insurgent sites on the web claim USA air strike that killed ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI was a stroke of luck.My heart goes out to the mother of the 2 girls who were apparently taken forever by their dad in the murder suicide how horrendeous. London Ontario. Stephanie 12/Ashley 15. Dad-John in head on collision.I think it's wrong about the 21yr old lady who was recently arrested because she refused to deploy with her unit WTF?Not sure what is with me lately but I basically am only drinking skim milk & bottled water. Chicken breasts, premium plus salted top crackers, & chicken soup. I do eat other food but not really into anything else except that I already listed. 579 women were gunned down by their husbands in 2004 HOLYSHIT!http:www.ropos.com1 in 6 canadians are obese harsh eh? 213 live in a smoke free homes. 15% encounter second hand smokeGuantanomo 3 committed suicide. Do USA citizens want to be looked upon as the same kind of people as the taliban? Cause if something doesn't change there will be hell to pay and hell will come abd no will give a shit because it will be like the taliban. It's time a change was made TODAY!!!!Anyone know how to write letter of support to people in court and/or in jail?One thing I love about Canada is we don't have is the death penalty. Phil commented on how many die on death row in the USA which is supposed to curb crime in the USA. How ever that obviously is not working is not working. It was just said yesterday that last year, homicides, assaults, and rapes went up last year. Gee really? Go figure. Guess death row really does work huh?I found it interesting to see that alot of companies now don't do sizing of clothes according to real size now more based on the vanity we have called vanity sizing go figure...http://www.coolaid.orgCapital One sure has become huge on the TV circuit eh? So many shows are using them as giving out capital one cards. That has to say alot about the bank companyDon't ya just love the defense attorney named Jeo Lawless? LOL that cracks me uphttp://cnn.com/nancygrace"I USED TO LOVE HER" song from GUNS & ROSES is getting alot of TV time right now as it was on the barbers computer. God give the man a freakin break.Harsh Jerry Lewis had a heart attack. He is wished wellJune 14/06- Sweetinghams blog was following Susan Polk's Trial as we now know she was found guilty.http://www.broombusters.org http://tbshumourstudy.com.comxnophobic(movie hostel)I'm into the show, so you think you can dance. Nigel drives me crazy. But I really get emotionally into the dancing. I get teary eyed. I danced Jazz when younger. I wish I could get a partner to go to couple dancing & I still want to try pole dancing. I'm also watching Last Comic Standing. God I love stand up comedy. I especially love female comics. Fear Factor is all new right now too!If you haven't tried the Uncle Ben's Fast & Fancy Microwavable rice-Try it! My fave is oriental-2 mins and it is done and ready I love it!!!Do you think it is possible to have an aura that makes people turn angry & Cold around you?Does anyone out there actually watch Hell's Kitchen? The Commercials already have me loathing the man. I refuse to give a man like that any of my time. I don't think you should either!!!! He can choke on it as far as I am concerned!!!!Poor Hammy, Criss Angel's Cat who levitates. Ya know this episode with the monkey and elephants and birds Criss does not seem like himself. I feel a sadness around him. Like it's all around him. He seems to be trying to push through but I sense it deeply. I doubt he reads my blogs, but if he does: CRISS ANGEL I LOVE BEING MINDFREAKED & I HOPE WHATEVER IT IS YOU GET THROUGH IT!!! *HUGS*I love MAD DOG(EXCON) He talks to men going down a bad path. How jail life is. He is a hard ass & they need him. I believe he also talks to troubled teens on Maury I'd love to ask him a few questions myself!http://www.couponbug.com cry me a river-Justin TimerlakeMoonlight Bunny Ranch-Darren Mack was spotted atLike I said earlier Susan Polk Guilty of second degree murder. Jusry deliberated for 4 days. She asked for a state public defender wants to appeal. Faces 16 yrs to life.Duke rape case is loosing steam & support for the victim.What do you do when all you want to do is cry? When you have no one you can cinfide in and feel safe enough to tell everything to? What do you do when all you feel is dead inside & you can't talk about it? What do you do when there is things going on in your head that are disturbing about someone but there's just no way you can tell anyone because it could lead to trouble? How do you deal with a world that is crumbling down around you? How do you live when you feel like your thoughts your feelings are not worthy of space in the world? That to cry only is seen as a manipulation? Like silence is all that matters but even then you are a bitch? How do you know how to be?Rainforest Reptile Refuse Surrey BC Paul Springat has not taken a day off in 3 yrs. Yikes he can have them. However I would love to have an iguana!James Hicks was 600lbs lost weight from Dr.Phils Book. Did a triathalonTook Phil to Clinic yesterday16th his side has been hurting for days. Dr thinks he has bruised muscles. He never told her about constipation issues though I got him to ice it and use heating pad though which helped a bit! Have called Michael every day for a week and not reached him & he hasn't called back either. Nice to know if something happened to the girls he would be so damn easy to reach. Man that PISSES me off!!!What upsets me too is when Phil gets mad at me for not talking to him. Yet when I do talk to him I irritate him and he makes me feel stupid. If I cry I am trying to manipulate him. I talk about things he doesn't care about. I'm always feeling so stupid & ALONE!http://www.lifemates.com http://www.truthdutyvalour.ca http://www.mrchristie.ca http://www.isafe.org Watching a documentary on gastric bypass surgery. My first 8 weeks were hell only I think because I got the superbug at the same time. Alot of other people were fat all their lives I wasn't, I was not super thin but was thin enough. I only gained weight after having kids & then I ballooned up to 330lbs. Surgery I lost 191pounds. It's not easy, it's not a magic tool. It took me a couple years to be able to eat & look like I am eating almost normally. Phil finishes most of my meals for me. You really do miss your best friend, you don't realize ubtil you can't eat like you could that food was such a best friend. You don't realize how often the way you eat and drink comes up either! I have ended up anemic, I do have osteoarthrtis in my spine, but still I would do it again. Before surgery my thyroid became low, my asthma was real bad, I was getting pneumonia, I was borderline diabetic, I was still tired always, never full, this gave me some ability back!Finally talked to Michael, amazing. He frustrates me to no end. His mommy and daddy always make sure he doesn't go without, he has the best of everything but if it comes to making sure I have what I need for his kids it's always like pulling teeth. We definetly do not get along, we speak because we have kids and for no other reason!http://www.procedetv.com http://www.911seniors.com/868 (lifealert-I need this)What is it that is going on with asking Korea not to fire off missiles?http://www.stickupbulb.com Stays cool & non shatters 19.99 looks pretty cool & you also get the owl light with it.Am I the only person in this world truly afraid of midgets? Phil thinks it's funny. I DO NOt! tHEY REALLY AND TRULY DO SCARE me-is this a fear with a medical term?June 21- New rules on myspace.com- really don't see these new rules doing alot to change things and working but we shall see. At least it is a step in the right direction!http://www.headandshoulders.com http://www.biggulp.com http://www.stridegum.comAmerica's Got Talent- My favorites so Far are: I LOVE LOVE LOVE Bobby Badfingers, At Last, Sydney"The Kid" Park, Uhm Interesting but not a fave but putting him here anyhow cause I loved Hasselhoffs reaction lol is The World's Oldest Stripper Bernie Barker, Alexis Jordan, Kevin Spencer who is a ventriliquist with Clyde & Matilda, Kathy Kavanaugh(harpest they voted her off), Vladmir Michikin (sp?)), Nathan Burton(magician)), on the side about Holy Cow lol, Migel missed his last name juggler.My 10 pics for Big Brother 7 all stars are: Season 2- Will, Season 3-Lisa, Marcellas, Danielle, Season 4-Erika, Alison, Season 5-Jase, Season 6-Howie, Ivette, JamesIs it true Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are getting married?Darren Mack is the all time biggest idiot taking out his wife and trying to take out the judge the way he did hello FBI top 10 fugitive, see ya on the other side!Phil has been pretty angry lately even going so far as to spit when he is angry. He seems to enjoy fighting with me alot It leaves me always unsure of what to say or do. He says he is not leaving me on one side of his mouth & asking me if I am trying to make him leave on the other. I just don't want to fight but love him. Things are hard right now and the kids leaving is hard and I think we're really struggling because of that.Well gotta love that 3 fugitives are on the loose: Callahn, Messer and Byes.K not sure what I wrote here but here it is:Ld Dr.Roy Berkowitz-Shelton is changing to femaleJeff Gardere-Psychologisthttp://www.babycenter.com http://www.msnbc.com My bad boss Contest http://www.workingamerica.orgSome guy threw out his car window thousands of dollars. Damn where am I when this stuff happens? I believe it is in the UKGreyhound is talking about shutting down some sites & buses here on vancouver island. What a load of crap that is!BC FERRIES is upping their prices again, I wish they would go to bloody hell!http://www.vicauctions.com http://cca.kids.com http://www.venus.uvic.ca Canada is changing the age of consent for sex to age 16, all aspects including touching ect. There is however a 5 yr clause. I would like that clause to be less than 5 yrs!http://cfpsa.canex.com Support our troopsGot Phil 3 more transformers for Fathers Day. 2 Beast Wars 10th Edition & Scionwho is an alternator van looking thing. We need 1 more of the beast wars 10th edition. DINOBOT to finish building my guy TANS MUAT. He is so cute, but to build him you have to get all the beast wars 10th edition transformers his last piece is his arm and he will be so greatful to have his arm Unfortanetly we have yet to have seen dinobot in any of the storesThe Stanley Cup was here on the island this weekend I wanted to go see it but Phil said no so we didn'tPhil says I am not allowed to predict hockey games anymore cause I am always right. I predicted Vancouver would loose the stanley Cup and they did and the same the night Edmonton played and they did. Days before even I predicted it. Sorry boys! Phil swears up and down Edmonton got paid to loose the cup!!!Harsh the show 99MOST BIZARRE now that is a show to watch wow...http://www.goodnews.comI really got into that movie Dead Awake on TV the other night but sedatives kicked in and I fell asleep It stars Steven Baldwin. I want to see it again.I don't think it is right that people should be able to profit from death. Like paying for funerals ect. Everyone dies and people get torn up and destroyed by it. It's just not right to get money from that!Had an experience with a commissionaire at Mayfair mall the other day, The security guard there I believe was harassing these 3 people. Even hitting on the one girl with the 2 guys with them. I did not see anything they did to deserve the action he took towards them. When I complained to Phil he stepped in and asked why he was harassing them and they laid their hands on Phil in front of my kids. Which was harshly upsetting to them and to me. Apparently this one commissionaire has harrassed these 3 before and God the guy even followed them beyond mall property, it clearly was an abuse of power. I did call the head office and complain. But it is security officers like that, that give others a bad name! Clearly he should not be doing security, at least not there!!!! I do have to say the guard he called for back up did seem to take awhile to get there and when he was there looked like he did not want to be there. Just my observation.This week is the new trial of Andrea Yates. She is the mother accused of and convicted of killing her 5 children by drowning them in a tub. She asked to be put in a mental ward during the case happily the judge said no. She is claiming mental illness. I am a huge huge huge supporter of mental illness and Lord knows Phil and I one of our hugest fights is about mental illness especially when it comes to women because he thinks we women use it as an excuse and men are bad women are just ill. I can't get him to see it any other way. Regardless I know alot of people men included who yes I have said I don't see why they are jailed and no jail is not where they belong. I have payed very close attention to mental illnesses and cases involving them and I think Phil has somewhat of a point that women get mental illness easier than men but still... In this case I do not find that she was mentally ill. I really do believe she was guilty of murder and she knew what she was doing and that saying it was not her in her right mind is a load of BS. I'm sorry but on this rare occasion I am on the side of the prosecution.June 23-Cried last night cause I was missing DJ. You know what I do love about having teens? More intellectual conversations. I miss some of the talks I was able to have with DJ. I'll miss those talks with Mary. It'll probably be a long while before my youngest and I can talk like that I don't really open up to anyone else anymore. Don't keep in touch with anyone anymore. Probably why some of my blogs are so long winded. *sigh* However what I hate about teens is their obnoxious, hurtful, cruel words & self-centerednessYUCK-BASEBALLS BEST BURGER: 1/4 pound Hamburger Patty, sliced cheese, 4 strips of bacon in between lightly browned sliced crispy creme donut(can we say heart attack on a bun)I want to make a suggestion to the makers and judges of America's got talent: NO PUSHING THE OTHER JUDGES BUZZERS!!!!!Book: You-The Owners Manual Brainage is selling in huge numbers believe it is made by nintendohttp://www.abcnews.com God it is getting upsetting to me at least once a week now I get a new big bruise somewhere. I am falling alot, tired alot, dizzy alot, & bruising alot, and my skin is always peeling which leaves me picking more, so always have fresh new sores My mouth is chronically dry. My gums are going purple & looking like a couple places are growing absesses & in horrible agonizing pain as I have 2 very broken molarsGuys can drink more alchol than women because they have an extra enzyme in their stomach than women that absorbs part of the alcohol.Rimonabent been tested for weight control. Europe just approved it. USA so far has not. Apparently works very well. Book- Myths, Lies & Downright StupidityNot to bad a movie I watched- The Perfect HusbandYa know I can't help feeling sadness for Jeffrey Dahmer and his family. I really think he needed psychiatric help.Procede use once every 90 days. http://procededtv.comAeron Spelling died at age 83 he will truly be sadly missed. 1-800-petmeds.comDepression in cats? http://www.nobelsmile.com http://www.overstock.com http://www.cancerrecovery.com Another good movie: Past Tense http://www.keep-exploring.ca http://www.vonage.com The Rainbow Gathering in Pedro, Florida USA sounds interestingWow Natasha Ryan letting people think she was dead and now takingmoney now that she is alive and walked into court to show it. What a stuck up self centered, deceptive little BITCH! I cannot believe she let her parents believe she was dead for all those years. They grieved her, mourned her. All along she was living with her sister's ex boyfriend that is just sick! The search costed itself over half a million dollars & she has never publicly apologized.I think it's obvious Allan Quin the Con Man did so very muchto help catch Leonard Fraser, he deserves something!http://www.stjude.tvTo parents who are unsure about vaccinating their children, STP IT!!!! Our children can be healthier. The childhood vaccinations could keep them alive. My son was too young to have his 1st ones and got whooping cough & it almost cost him his life at 3weeks. In england right now babies and young kids arebecoming very ill due to measles. Why? Because their parents chose to forego the vaccinations. It shouldn't take a large outbreak for people to rethink that.Even our cats the feline leukemia and rabies are optional additional shots but I wouldn't think of not adding them.http://www.cancercenter.com http://www.wtbs.com http://www.rcmusic.ca What is with so many guys wanting to video tape sac sessions with women they are sleeping with? Have you ever noticed how you quite often see a guy walking down a street with a pizza box & many times eating from it, but never see a woman doing the same? Just one of those things that make you go hmmmmmmm....I love feel good stories & stories that prove there is still people with good hearts in this world. The Dateline Story "Rescue On Top Of The World" A rescue at Mount Everest made me cry happy tears, seeing Lincoln Hall saved while 3 others gave up making it to the summit. Those who passed him saying they did not know how to speak English should be ashamed very ashamed as we know they did. Karma will come to those people. Dan is a living breathing angelI am so glad I live in a country that does not believe in the death penalty. Everytime I see a show about someone put to death it makes me cry. IT IS SO WRONG!!!!! I do have to say I love NANNY 911 but the nanny I adore and love is NANNY DEB! She is much stronger & Hard but fun. I adore her! June 26- 4 more days in my count down WIFE SWAP is not a show I can tolerate often but omg this show I LOVE BELLA & I want her husband KENNY, good God he is the dream man. His hair his body his way of thinking He treats Bella like a Queen. He even has the kids love her like a queen wow he is so perfect! Makes me think a little harder about the lifestyles of the wicca.I hate the blonde bitch Bella switched with but she is well suited for her asshole husband! Bella & Kenny Thompson WOW!I do have to say Kenny breaking the plate shocked me. I hope they didn't change too drastically cause Kenny was alright by me and so was Bella. They rock!Oh I wanna go see Lady In the WaterTalked on the phone with Doug tonight first time in a long long long long time about a half hour conversation. I did talk it over with Phil first. I go over everything with Phil first. I feel unsure and scared that I will piss him off if I don't check with him first and I don't want to do that, I feel like he feels stressed enough right now and I don't want to do anything more to add to that. So now am all updated oh except still in pain with teeth.Phil did force me to go to dr today because I have a painful infection on my chest so painful I had a hard time getting to sit up today so reluctantly agreed to go. It's a pretty bad infection I got some meds, so hopefully will get better now. Laterz....