Having a Bad Day

Well the stupid worthless me is pretty much that right now taking my meds I thought I was getting better but I been crying for about 5 hours now on and off. I can't stop and when I do I start crying harder. I'm in one of those zones where I can't handle having any noise or people or anything distracting around me cause it gets me irritated and angry and makes me want to scream and cry that much harder and makes me want to puke. Right now I am at the highest point where I am at the point where I want to puke, yep been dry heaving. Why can't I be normal like everyone else? I am so sick of this up and down yo yo. How many more switching of meds will it take?
I miss my son I ache so badly I mean I just feel so dead inside. He's right I am stupid, I am worthless, I do take too many meds. I am so sick all the time. Fuck I have a bruise on my arm all down my forearm from a fall in my room, a big bruise on my leg from falling down the stairs AGAIN bringing his comp down the stairs. Seems like if anyone touches me a little harder than normal I bruise. What kid wants a mother that worthless and weak?
He came & threw the keys at me and told me he was through with me & my whole family forever. Then left a message today on the phone saying the stuff I dropped off today he was throwing in the garbage never to contact him again he hates me I am DEAD to him *can't breathe crying so hard can barely see*. So if I did die or I commited suicide he really wouldn't care now would he cause I already am dead to him.
I told Phil I am sure if I were dying my sister would probably tell me to close my eyes and go, my mom would say it's okay to let go, not sure my dad would say anything and pretty sure my brother wouldn't be around not sure my sister would either. I really don't believe it would affect anyone. Girls would be great and in good hands with their dad and grandma and grandpa. I have made sure they all know I don't want to be ressucitated, or kept on a machine. I only want to donate blood, major organs, no skin or eyes and pretty sure I wouldn't be a viable donor. I want to be creamated. Do not want to be kept alive on a machine.
On a good note my granny is home. My mom babysits her now.
We took the cats in for shots the times there were written down wrong and Phil flipped out because they couldn't fit them in so we have to go back in. I asked him to please calm down. Yelling was not going to accomplish anything. I did tell them though that it was crap considering two or 3 calls were made to make sure of the time. I also asked about getting a discount and they said they would look into it.
I did take Phil out and buy him 3 new transformers at Toys R Us. I bought him 2 of the star wars ones yesterday and 1 of the star wars ones on weds I think it was. We had also gone shopping for groceries and that day I bought the girls each a naughty bunny hat and a shirt. Today I got Mary a new shirt and Sarah a shirt and shorts. We threw out alot of Sarahs old clothes so we have to rebuild the clothes again.
I need fricken new clothes all my clothes are too damn big:(
I have thought about my broher alot mostly because I think of anyone he would understand alot more from DJ's side and he used to be hard on me but my brother has a way of being hard but loving and helping you turn things around. *crying* I really miss my brother and I really miss my son. Life just seems so worthless. I hate life!!!!
Well one of the girls is having a sleep over and they are here in the livingroom so I am off for now. Laterz...
Email from son see Maybe I would be better off dead:
"as for u shut the fuck up im serious i dont want u as my mother or family and i told u this already ur not sumone i can trust and u fucking false accused which is why iv been so fucking depressed in the first place i really hope u do die so when u do everyone sees that im not crying cause i dont give a shit about u or the family so get a life grow up and hopefully die soon!so stop calling and nver write me agian and btw the shit u sent me i threw out cept the phone so have a good life bitch!ps mary can go fucking die and sarah i dont really give a shit about and next time when i tell u i dont want anything dont call meagen and tell her ur gonna drop it off!"