Happy Mothers Day...NOT!!!

Well my psychiatrist has upped my seroquel as she is trying to help me with my excited and loud outburst. This is something my family has always hated and so do my kids and Phil. I resent it when people point it out. I feel like I am being singled out and they use it when it is not that bad. Anyhow she wants me to not just take it at night but during the day to "keep me quiet" something I RESENT! It makes me feel belittled and stupid. I am so tired being labelled mentally ill. Who wants to be labelled like that?
Anyhow to make my week that much better my son turned on me and I got scared and asked him to leave for the weekend. Well he has chosen to have nothing to do with me ever again Disowning me he says. Made sure to tell me that he will be getting his stuff today and will never see me or my family ever again. Doesn't really care what I tell his little sister. My heart is aching. I feel like I have died. Even Phil has been heartbroken over this more so than I ever thought I would ever see. You would think it was his own child he just lost. He's actually just been hard to be around angry and asking me if he is next to be gotten rid of. He is so hurting right now.
On mothers day his mother hurt him by saying how we never gave her a card or money ect and how we were at subway and going to see my family. Huh I have a daughter who we were picking up from respite, going to see my grandmother who is STILL in hospital who I had only saw once and finally decided to see again for only the second time and see mom who was also up there. Was not sure if my son was going to come home that day. Used what I had to not have to cook for my mothers day. Well Phil was so upset he lost it and the guy at subway had to cool him down. Mothers Day to say the least left me most of the day crying and feeling like all I was was a worthless heartache to everyone around me. Really left me wondering what I am here on this earth for.
Soon all I am going to have is one child left. I did not see this coming and I am so lost right now and confused I don't know up from down. I did go out today because just being in the house is painful. Everything is painful. I don't seem to know how to make anyone happy or the right things to do and say.
I thought I was doing it right with my son. All I ever wanted was to make him happy. I wanted to make up for so much pain from when he was little and I have fought so hard for him. I got scared. I don't know where I screwed up. But obviously I can't seem to get it right. I don't blame him I blame me, why would I blame anyone it's always me right?
I do see more and more how my dad was the way he was and why my mom was the way she was. I needed her more than what she gave me on mothers day but she like normal just did "you'll be fine" thing like she always has. I don't hate her for it anymore. I know it's her way of dealing and it's all she knows to do. I know my dad does what he does to protect her because she can't protect herself. I know my brother and I have hated her and been hard on her and I know how hard it is when you are confused and weak inside and you have to depend on stupid pills to make you be somewhat normal. I can see how it made my dad angry he took on alot. Phil too takes on alot. It's hard sometimes. I am thankful some times for him even though I wish sometimes he could be even more understanding than he already is. But I know it's alot to ask.
I am getting through and alot of calling with alot of support daily over hours it seems lately is going on in last week or two so I suppose I have no other choice but to get through. I am glad we were able to get my son where he was and glad the workers and his care has been so easy to talk to and supportive. I just wish this didn't have to be the way things were.
I did cry about missing my brother, of everyone I wanted to reach out and call it was my brother. But I knew there was no point in calling him. I have blown it with him too.
Even Doug I can't reach out to anymore I pretty much ended any reach we had there too and made sure of it so that what Phil and I have would be more assured and strong.
I did talk to Sherri and she helped somewhat but I am sure even she has gotten tired of it over time. I don't blame her.
As for my lump it seems to me to be at about half of what it used to be. Healing up nice where I had cut at it. Wierd though I seem to have an infection that won't clear up exactly opposite of it on the same thigh.
A 3rd Duke Lacrosse Player was charged today in the rape. Not really sure how I feel about him being charged the evidence thus far points to him being innocent, but that's what we have seen for defense.
I am very upset that someone actually kidnapped the pillsbury doughboy was kidnapped in newhampshire and threatened to bake him they even blindfolded him and sent ransom notes everyday. One picture showing him buried to his neck. UMG I was so upset. What is wrong with people? And people label me with mental illness, I would never kidnap a pillsbury doughboy I love him:)
Daniel Biechele was sentenced to 15 years in jail 11 years suspended and 4 years in jail. Apparently he will probably do about 2 yrs. I wanted to cry actually I did cry. I truly believe he deserves no time in jail for this tragic tragic accident. Yes he set of the pyro and yes 100 people so tragically died and I have no doubt they died horrible tragic deaths. But I believe the fire marshal should be held accountable in a HUGE way and I believe the brothers of the club are hugely hugely accountable. I am glad at least they will be going to court but they are not at sole responsability. This is so tragic and is not getting the attention or accountability it deserves. I really am sad for Daniel. My heart is with him and his family.
Anyhow my son just came and got his stuff and that was hard so I am gonna go. Laterz...