People Can Be Such Spazes

Ya know the whole purpose of a blog is so people can vent and be able to do that in absense of maybe doing something destructive. I take my meds religiously. I see my psychiatrist every week in fact I see my counsellor tomorrow. We're going to look at maybe changing my meds around a bit more again.
Ya know most people at some point in their life will utter I wish you were dead, I wish I were dead, I hope you die, God just kill me now. All things you hear from time to time, should we take all those things seriously and lock them up or when I teen says I hate my mom I wish she were dead should we lock them up like OMG they might do it. Rest assured too if I were going to even attempt it I sure as hell would not be announcing it to the world.
Yes I am hurting and aching and I feel so so so dead inside. My whole world is crumbling apart and each day it gets harder.I miss my son and he is just breaking my heart.
Life has to go on though right???
We didn't go see The DaVinci Code yet but plan to go next week.
Man I can't be on here long I have a migraine that just won't quit. But Felt compelled to tell people to give their head a shake. Blogging is my way to be angry and vent and feel safe just because I say something doesn't make it true, it's that thought for that moment.
Go do some research on Bipolar and get a grip!!!

Having a Bad Day

Well the stupid worthless me is pretty much that right now taking my meds I thought I was getting better but I been crying for about 5 hours now on and off. I can't stop and when I do I start crying harder. I'm in one of those zones where I can't handle having any noise or people or anything distracting around me cause it gets me irritated and angry and makes me want to scream and cry that much harder and makes me want to puke. Right now I am at the highest point where I am at the point where I want to puke, yep been dry heaving. Why can't I be normal like everyone else? I am so sick of this up and down yo yo. How many more switching of meds will it take?
I miss my son I ache so badly I mean I just feel so dead inside. He's right I am stupid, I am worthless, I do take too many meds. I am so sick all the time. Fuck I have a bruise on my arm all down my forearm from a fall in my room, a big bruise on my leg from falling down the stairs AGAIN bringing his comp down the stairs. Seems like if anyone touches me a little harder than normal I bruise. What kid wants a mother that worthless and weak?
He came & threw the keys at me and told me he was through with me & my whole family forever. Then left a message today on the phone saying the stuff I dropped off today he was throwing in the garbage never to contact him again he hates me I am DEAD to him *can't breathe crying so hard can barely see*. So if I did die or I commited suicide he really wouldn't care now would he cause I already am dead to him.
I told Phil I am sure if I were dying my sister would probably tell me to close my eyes and go, my mom would say it's okay to let go, not sure my dad would say anything and pretty sure my brother wouldn't be around not sure my sister would either. I really don't believe it would affect anyone. Girls would be great and in good hands with their dad and grandma and grandpa. I have made sure they all know I don't want to be ressucitated, or kept on a machine. I only want to donate blood, major organs, no skin or eyes and pretty sure I wouldn't be a viable donor. I want to be creamated. Do not want to be kept alive on a machine.
On a good note my granny is home. My mom babysits her now.
We took the cats in for shots the times there were written down wrong and Phil flipped out because they couldn't fit them in so we have to go back in. I asked him to please calm down. Yelling was not going to accomplish anything. I did tell them though that it was crap considering two or 3 calls were made to make sure of the time. I also asked about getting a discount and they said they would look into it.
I did take Phil out and buy him 3 new transformers at Toys R Us. I bought him 2 of the star wars ones yesterday and 1 of the star wars ones on weds I think it was. We had also gone shopping for groceries and that day I bought the girls each a naughty bunny hat and a shirt. Today I got Mary a new shirt and Sarah a shirt and shorts. We threw out alot of Sarahs old clothes so we have to rebuild the clothes again.
I need fricken new clothes all my clothes are too damn big:(
I have thought about my broher alot mostly because I think of anyone he would understand alot more from DJ's side and he used to be hard on me but my brother has a way of being hard but loving and helping you turn things around. *crying* I really miss my brother and I really miss my son. Life just seems so worthless. I hate life!!!!
Well one of the girls is having a sleep over and they are here in the livingroom so I am off for now. Laterz...
Email from son see Maybe I would be better off dead:
"as for u shut the fuck up im serious i dont want u as my mother or family and i told u this already ur not sumone i can trust and u fucking false accused which is why iv been so fucking depressed in the first place i really hope u do die so when u do everyone sees that im not crying cause i dont give a shit about u or the family so get a life grow up and hopefully die soon!so stop calling and nver write me agian and btw the shit u sent me i threw out cept the phone so have a good life bitch!ps mary can go fucking die and sarah i dont really give a shit about and next time when i tell u i dont want anything dont call meagen and tell her ur gonna drop it off!"

Happy Mothers Day...NOT!!!

Well my psychiatrist has upped my seroquel as she is trying to help me with my excited and loud outburst. This is something my family has always hated and so do my kids and Phil. I resent it when people point it out. I feel like I am being singled out and they use it when it is not that bad. Anyhow she wants me to not just take it at night but during the day to "keep me quiet" something I RESENT! It makes me feel belittled and stupid. I am so tired being labelled mentally ill. Who wants to be labelled like that?
Anyhow to make my week that much better my son turned on me and I got scared and asked him to leave for the weekend. Well he has chosen to have nothing to do with me ever again Disowning me he says. Made sure to tell me that he will be getting his stuff today and will never see me or my family ever again. Doesn't really care what I tell his little sister. My heart is aching. I feel like I have died. Even Phil has been heartbroken over this more so than I ever thought I would ever see. You would think it was his own child he just lost. He's actually just been hard to be around angry and asking me if he is next to be gotten rid of. He is so hurting right now.
On mothers day his mother hurt him by saying how we never gave her a card or money ect and how we were at subway and going to see my family. Huh I have a daughter who we were picking up from respite, going to see my grandmother who is STILL in hospital who I had only saw once and finally decided to see again for only the second time and see mom who was also up there. Was not sure if my son was going to come home that day. Used what I had to not have to cook for my mothers day. Well Phil was so upset he lost it and the guy at subway had to cool him down. Mothers Day to say the least left me most of the day crying and feeling like all I was was a worthless heartache to everyone around me. Really left me wondering what I am here on this earth for.
Soon all I am going to have is one child left. I did not see this coming and I am so lost right now and confused I don't know up from down. I did go out today because just being in the house is painful. Everything is painful. I don't seem to know how to make anyone happy or the right things to do and say.
I thought I was doing it right with my son. All I ever wanted was to make him happy. I wanted to make up for so much pain from when he was little and I have fought so hard for him. I got scared. I don't know where I screwed up. But obviously I can't seem to get it right. I don't blame him I blame me, why would I blame anyone it's always me right?
I do see more and more how my dad was the way he was and why my mom was the way she was. I needed her more than what she gave me on mothers day but she like normal just did "you'll be fine" thing like she always has. I don't hate her for it anymore. I know it's her way of dealing and it's all she knows to do. I know my dad does what he does to protect her because she can't protect herself. I know my brother and I have hated her and been hard on her and I know how hard it is when you are confused and weak inside and you have to depend on stupid pills to make you be somewhat normal. I can see how it made my dad angry he took on alot. Phil too takes on alot. It's hard sometimes. I am thankful some times for him even though I wish sometimes he could be even more understanding than he already is. But I know it's alot to ask.
I am getting through and alot of calling with alot of support daily over hours it seems lately is going on in last week or two so I suppose I have no other choice but to get through. I am glad we were able to get my son where he was and glad the workers and his care has been so easy to talk to and supportive. I just wish this didn't have to be the way things were.
I did cry about missing my brother, of everyone I wanted to reach out and call it was my brother. But I knew there was no point in calling him. I have blown it with him too.
Even Doug I can't reach out to anymore I pretty much ended any reach we had there too and made sure of it so that what Phil and I have would be more assured and strong.
I did talk to Sherri and she helped somewhat but I am sure even she has gotten tired of it over time. I don't blame her.
As for my lump it seems to me to be at about half of what it used to be. Healing up nice where I had cut at it. Wierd though I seem to have an infection that won't clear up exactly opposite of it on the same thigh.
A 3rd Duke Lacrosse Player was charged today in the rape. Not really sure how I feel about him being charged the evidence thus far points to him being innocent, but that's what we have seen for defense.
I am very upset that someone actually kidnapped the pillsbury doughboy was kidnapped in newhampshire and threatened to bake him they even blindfolded him and sent ransom notes everyday. One picture showing him buried to his neck. UMG I was so upset. What is wrong with people? And people label me with mental illness, I would never kidnap a pillsbury doughboy I love him:)
Daniel Biechele was sentenced to 15 years in jail 11 years suspended and 4 years in jail. Apparently he will probably do about 2 yrs. I wanted to cry actually I did cry. I truly believe he deserves no time in jail for this tragic tragic accident. Yes he set of the pyro and yes 100 people so tragically died and I have no doubt they died horrible tragic deaths. But I believe the fire marshal should be held accountable in a HUGE way and I believe the brothers of the club are hugely hugely accountable. I am glad at least they will be going to court but they are not at sole responsability. This is so tragic and is not getting the attention or accountability it deserves. I really am sad for Daniel. My heart is with him and his family.
Anyhow my son just came and got his stuff and that was hard so I am gonna go. Laterz...

You Gotta Love Life...

Well I went to the Mood Disorders Clinic and apparently that was a one time visit which was not what my psychiatrist was hoping for:( Anyhow he went over my meds with me and I'm staying on the topomax, zopiclone, celexa I will now add on seroquel apparently a major tranquilizer. The dr said it will help me slow down my thought process, excitability, among other things I do. So far I have noticed my thoughts are slowing down a little bit. I am also getting more sleep again which was something I had started to loose again. It was a reason zopiclone was added but over time I got used to it and could stay awake through the zopiclone some nights. Not every night but sometimes. So we will see. What upsets me is having to rely on meds to try and be "NORMAL". It's not that people are mentally unstable you hear people say it's that we can't get them to take their meds. Well it's damn hard to always have to take these stupid fricken pills and go in and get them and take them on a clock and explain to people why you need them, or why you do things you do. Not to mention the pills don't FIX everything, they "fix" some things. People pass judgement about what you should and shouldn't be. How that should look. Easy for them because they aren't the one going through it. Do you think we the ones going through it enjoy it?
I am going through a bad bout of skin picking right now, have never found anything to stop that. No one ever talks about it either, no just comment on it and comment in not so nice terms. I read most people who share this problem with me have it with their faces. I thought alot about that and my thought is it's not because we want people to see it. I know I always try hiding it with makeup ect. I think it's that your more likely to get a zit or blotch ect on your face and that's for me how it starts. I hate the look or feel and I think if I just get rid of the swelling or I pick the little patch or scrap it here ect it will look or feel better, of course it looks worse but it's not like that when I am doing it. Not to mention I also do it in my sleep, yeah that's right I do it in my sleep!
As for the lump on my thigh it was really bugging me so I cut it open and released some fluid. Cleaned it up with alcohol and put some guaze on it. Lump is still there but not as big as it was and not as sore.
One of my kids got bronchitis. I knew right away it was not just your normal cold and cough. I knew there would be a prescription with a visit to the doctor and there was.
My grandmother is in the hospital, I was angry that she pretty much spent 2 days in emergency before she finally got a room. Our healthcare in canada is really going downhill. If that was the primeminister or their family they would have gotten better treatment. I am worried about her she is not doing very good. I love both my grandmothers very much and consider myself very lucky to even still have the two of them around at my age. I guess it's in God's hands. I haven't gone up to see her yet because with the throwing up in this house and the coughing I can't risk bringing that up to the hospital. Which kills me cause it makes me feel so helpless. I hope to see her soon though.
I am keeping up with the vitamin C and healthy stuff. Bought lots of cleaners with javex in them and hoping that will help with things.
Anyhow that's it for now I am off....