Yep Phil was here and we talked well I think he talked more. I just don't know what to say I mean I have no decision in this process. I have no control and I guess that scares me. I cried alot at counselling today and I am now sick. Scratchy throat and sore ears and headaches from congestion. I have barely slept or eat since the weekend. Phil eats, sleeps and does whatever oh so easily. He says it is hard for him too but I don't believe it not for a second. I hVE NOT SEEN ONE TEAR. HE DID TRY TO CONVICE ME TO KEEP MY THINGS AND i REFUSED i DON'T WANT TO EVEN LOOK AT ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIM. OOPs caps. I hate that caps button:( Mary has been harder to deal with and Sarah is not herself. Phil thinks he can be in their lives walk out and it has no effect, hello wtf? I don't care their not his kids and will never be his kids their mine. I have Michael to talk to about the girls and DJ well if I have not figured out dealing with him by now I never will.
Missing Princess alot as are the kids especially Sarah she reminds me a few times a day I got rid of her.
I did load the dishwasher and wash the counters and table and do laundry and put it away. I'll do more later. Mary scrubbed the pots and bowls. So kids went to get slurpees.
Phil wants to do couple counselling I don't know I am a little apprehensive. I wanted to go a year ago and he was set against it. Now he is pushing me to go. So fine I will go. I will be all counselled out. I have my own personal counselling with psychiatrist and counseller and then I will be in group therapy for people with bipolar, very nervous about that. Now couple counselling? UGH!
Oh yeah for those curious I did NOT see Doug that night or since.
I really thought I could save my heart from being crushed really did. I f I kept Phil at arms length if he left he couldn't hurt me, where did that plan go wrong?
Gotta love these 90kmh winds in Victoria eh? Glad we are lucky enough to still have power though. Weather sure seems to be in sync with how I feel lately. I honestly don't know how to feel or what to do or what to believe. I am just crushed have no trust left and feel more vulnerable than I have for a long time. I despise that feeling...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Another Night of Tears
Well Sarah hates me and has done nothing but yell, cry and tell me she will never forgive me. She hates that Phil left and hates that I got rid of Princess. Dj is upset he won't have what we could have with Phil and Mary is also upset about phil and the dog going. Mary, Sarah and I have done nothing but cry. I packed anything Phil ever gave me to look at any of it would only remind me of the lies and betrayal and how little we all truly ever meant to him. Obviously I was never good enough for him. I knew I should never get so close to anyone I knew it could hurt the kids but no he assured me and I believed him and I was fucking stupid. Ya know yeah he punched my chair and the wall but he also is holding in this pain about something that happened to him as a child and he is letting this fucking guy from childhood ruin everything in his life. Anytime you get close he runs and he won't stop running until he forgives himself for not doing what he so much thinks he should have done. I wish he would stop giving this guy so much power over his life. It hurts me because I see how much it affects him and hurts him and he blames so much, God I hate it. But who am I to fucking say anything? God there is so much I have sacrificed because I just want to help him. FUck I hate this. I also hate and cried all night about my baby girl thinking of her outside in the wind and rain and how she is used to being in the house, I miss her and had to put away anything that reminds me of her.I don't know I am just dead and numb and I can't cry anymore yet I still do. I hate life...
What's the point of love if it only kills you in the end?
Well I just keep loosing everything. Phil left but didn't take the dog only his beloved cat and I am not able to handle her on my own so I had to give her up. I feel so empty inside like what is the point of loving anyone or anything when in the end it will only rip you apart. I tell you this fuck love I'm done with it. I will never love again because love will kill me if I do...
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Phil is gone
Well it's just me and the kids again. Phil thinks he is a risk to me because he punshed a chair I was in. So he says anyways. I think he always wanted to leave and I am not going to stop him what would be the point? I called Doug he is supposed to come over tonight maybe then I will be able to smile. Hope things are better for everyone else!!!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Welcome to Another Year
Well I guess it is another year. They all seem to blend into one another now adays. I did not have a great beginning to the year. Let's just say I brought a box up to my room and just didn't want to do this anymore. I refused to answer the phone except to the kids. DJ called me I called Sarah who was upset she sees Michael a few times a year and he made her go to her grandparents at 10pm and she was sooooooooooo upset. Of course all his friend, his gf and her kids stayed there. I guess his own blood is insignificant. I had to beg her to not be mad and to have fun with hhas shown he can be. him today as she is coming home tomorrow. God he just is never going to the father to her that he can be. Yet he is apparently so good to his gf's kids and the kids at the school he works with. Bad things happen to him I always feel bad, but what the hell for? I could die and all he'd be upset about is maybe having to be a real father. He's always treated Mary like his angel and Sarah like whatever comes over him at the time.
My emotions are a little all over the place, last night I was thankful to have my sleeping pills cause lately I can't seem to sleep without some help. Apprenetly though when Phil got home we "made up". I have no recollection that sometimes happens on my pills that's why I take them only alone or with an adult in the house. We did talk today it was ruff but maybe MAYBE things will change. Part of my issue is I can't seem to get over the snapping and trying to trust when my trust has been broken over and over. I mean if you have someone lie to your face several times and catch them in it how do you learn to trust them?
I am no innocent everyone knows that. I am tempermental, I am over emotional and I have done things I shouldn't of but when I did I told them, I told them, not hid them or lied I told. SINCE WHEN IS IT BETTER TO LIE THEN TELL THE TRUTH? I have learned that it can be so painful in telling the truth but the consequesnces are better than knowing your carrying around a lie.I'm watching Surrender Dorothy I swear the girl who played Sarah is the lady who also plays in REUNION and is the one of the group of them that dies in that show. Anyone else watch reunion? I love that show.
I watch movies like this and it makes me cry. I think about my sister in law who died. I think about my neice who died and my brother who had to see it through. I can't imagine the pain, not even if I wanted to. But I do know the emptiness in my heart of loosing a child I did miscarry, but the pain of sending Mary to live with my brother makes me feel dead more and more everyday. How does God decide who gets their child and who doesn't? I want to know, I want to know HOWWWWWWWW????
I've been hospitalized for suicide attemps, had my stomach pumped, I wanted to die but I didn't. One time I never this lady's face but the whole time I was in hospital she talked about how she will never see the outside, she was terminally ill and it was only time. But that she was happy just to have every moment. She asked me what would it have been like if I had turned myself to a vegetable to suffer the rest of life. I hated her for saying that, but I hated her because what if I had? I hated the doctors for saving me. I hated the hell I felt I was in. I often make a joke that Heaven will never take me and I'm too much for hell to want. It's often how I feel. Sad I know. I'm suring having been diagnosed as bipolar when younger would have helped but I am diagnosed now. I guess that should be seen as a blessing. I just hate having to be on meds. I am so sick of pills and shots and being tired and blood tests. Tired of explaining what I feel or don't feel what I hear or don't hear. I used to yell alot, grew up that way now I shut people out. I've gotten really good at shutting people out. I remember my brother telling me once we learned one thing and learned it well and that is to be angry. How do you unteach that? It's funny cause my oldest and youngest don't really have anger no it's an I don't care attitude. Which Phil so hates and sometimes it annoys me too, but I prefer that then to anger.
Here's a question not to related to anything. If you had a parent who wanted to give you money when they died and they decided not only you and your siblings would get split but someone they cared about apparently was to be put into the split. Would you care that they weren't dating that you felt there was no love between the two? Would you care if that person was going to get money too? See me I would be more upset that the parent died? Not all of us have parents with money. You know all I want is my dad's dog tags, why? because they were so close to him for so long they will always carry apart of him with them. I just can't imagine how anyone could get so upset about someone else getting money, who the hell cares?
I do have wishes I don't DON'T want to be russucitated. I DO NOT WANT TO BE KEPT ALIVE ON A MACHINE FOR ANY REASON. I don't want my skin or eyes or anything used for science exception being my brain, if it can help at all understand how to help others yes please take it. I only want to donate, major organs. Personally I don't think they could use much of me anyhow. Apparently I don't have the best liver. I do have asthma. I had a gastric bypass which affected my stomach and intestine. I have no gall bladder, no uterus, no fallopian tubes, a raised bladder. Osteoarthritis in my upper lumbar spine and getting worse. Honestly who could I help?
I have talked to my kids about their wishes and Phil. Alden and Tara made me realize how quickly things can change, ya know?
God have I chatted on here long enough, sorry I guess I am getting alot out. I actually am starting to feel less like crying. It's amazing how therapeutic writing can be. My therapist says it's good for me. Anyhow have a great new year everyone!
My emotions are a little all over the place, last night I was thankful to have my sleeping pills cause lately I can't seem to sleep without some help. Apprenetly though when Phil got home we "made up". I have no recollection that sometimes happens on my pills that's why I take them only alone or with an adult in the house. We did talk today it was ruff but maybe MAYBE things will change. Part of my issue is I can't seem to get over the snapping and trying to trust when my trust has been broken over and over. I mean if you have someone lie to your face several times and catch them in it how do you learn to trust them?
I am no innocent everyone knows that. I am tempermental, I am over emotional and I have done things I shouldn't of but when I did I told them, I told them, not hid them or lied I told. SINCE WHEN IS IT BETTER TO LIE THEN TELL THE TRUTH? I have learned that it can be so painful in telling the truth but the consequesnces are better than knowing your carrying around a lie.I'm watching Surrender Dorothy I swear the girl who played Sarah is the lady who also plays in REUNION and is the one of the group of them that dies in that show. Anyone else watch reunion? I love that show.
I watch movies like this and it makes me cry. I think about my sister in law who died. I think about my neice who died and my brother who had to see it through. I can't imagine the pain, not even if I wanted to. But I do know the emptiness in my heart of loosing a child I did miscarry, but the pain of sending Mary to live with my brother makes me feel dead more and more everyday. How does God decide who gets their child and who doesn't? I want to know, I want to know HOWWWWWWWW????
I've been hospitalized for suicide attemps, had my stomach pumped, I wanted to die but I didn't. One time I never this lady's face but the whole time I was in hospital she talked about how she will never see the outside, she was terminally ill and it was only time. But that she was happy just to have every moment. She asked me what would it have been like if I had turned myself to a vegetable to suffer the rest of life. I hated her for saying that, but I hated her because what if I had? I hated the doctors for saving me. I hated the hell I felt I was in. I often make a joke that Heaven will never take me and I'm too much for hell to want. It's often how I feel. Sad I know. I'm suring having been diagnosed as bipolar when younger would have helped but I am diagnosed now. I guess that should be seen as a blessing. I just hate having to be on meds. I am so sick of pills and shots and being tired and blood tests. Tired of explaining what I feel or don't feel what I hear or don't hear. I used to yell alot, grew up that way now I shut people out. I've gotten really good at shutting people out. I remember my brother telling me once we learned one thing and learned it well and that is to be angry. How do you unteach that? It's funny cause my oldest and youngest don't really have anger no it's an I don't care attitude. Which Phil so hates and sometimes it annoys me too, but I prefer that then to anger.
Here's a question not to related to anything. If you had a parent who wanted to give you money when they died and they decided not only you and your siblings would get split but someone they cared about apparently was to be put into the split. Would you care that they weren't dating that you felt there was no love between the two? Would you care if that person was going to get money too? See me I would be more upset that the parent died? Not all of us have parents with money. You know all I want is my dad's dog tags, why? because they were so close to him for so long they will always carry apart of him with them. I just can't imagine how anyone could get so upset about someone else getting money, who the hell cares?
I do have wishes I don't DON'T want to be russucitated. I DO NOT WANT TO BE KEPT ALIVE ON A MACHINE FOR ANY REASON. I don't want my skin or eyes or anything used for science exception being my brain, if it can help at all understand how to help others yes please take it. I only want to donate, major organs. Personally I don't think they could use much of me anyhow. Apparently I don't have the best liver. I do have asthma. I had a gastric bypass which affected my stomach and intestine. I have no gall bladder, no uterus, no fallopian tubes, a raised bladder. Osteoarthritis in my upper lumbar spine and getting worse. Honestly who could I help?
I have talked to my kids about their wishes and Phil. Alden and Tara made me realize how quickly things can change, ya know?
God have I chatted on here long enough, sorry I guess I am getting alot out. I actually am starting to feel less like crying. It's amazing how therapeutic writing can be. My therapist says it's good for me. Anyhow have a great new year everyone!
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