Life...

Well Mary is coming home in less than 2 weeks. I am excited, but nervous. We bought the girls cell phones early bday presents from all of us. I just feel safer with them having them. I would like to see if I can get them engraved.I was out the other day and my back hurt so bad I mean so badly like never has it hurt this badly before. The pain was so bad that I passed out from the pain. Does osteoarthrtis really get this bad? two days of that kind of pain. Was so bad I couldn't even cry. I think I took a little more of my painkillers than I meant too because it hurt so bad. It's pointless to go to hospital because with chronic pain it's not really anything they can do. What bugs me is when I get put down for being in pain. Like any of us grows up to say yeah when I grow up I want to be disabled. I hate being on disability. I hate chronic pain. I hate that it kills me to try and carry a few groceries only 4 blocks home, that takes everything out of me. I'm 34yrs old I should be healthy and vibrant. I'm not. So being told no one else would want you if they really knew you kills me. Maybe they wouldn't but do you have to yell that at me and make me feel that much worse?Anyhow it turns out I have this hernia that is blocking my stomach and reflux which is why I am constantly puking. This is what is making eating a problem. So my surgeon wants to go in and have more of a look with the scope. I'm sure I will get the date for that pretty quick. Oh lucky me another scope. He wanted to give me pariet but that shit has done nothing to alleiviate the problem. So I said no. What is the point if it is doing nothing? More drugs I don't need. Yes me saying no to more drugs. As much as people think I like all these meds I don't. I am sick of all these freakin meds. One does get tired of swallowing pills day in and day out. I wish it could all be done with a shot once a month that would be great!I envy people who are healthy and happy and never in pain. Envy people who never have to know what depression/bipolar is like. I do have to say though seeing all my old friends on here. Having people remember me and know that people out there do care all because of facebook, that has done more than anyone realizes. Odd how something so little in life can make such a big difference to a life in reality!

Pain...

Watching the Movie "In God's Country"-Kelly Rowan, Richard Burgi, (2007)star in the tale of a woman's efforts to rescue her 16-year-old daughter from a polygamous community.(drama, 120mins)I am from the United Church so I do believe in being with only 1 man for myself. However I do not understand why if someone wants to be in a community where they all understand and share that they not be allowed to live that way. Who are we to say it is wrong? It just makes me so damn angry. I do not though understand them allowing the girls to marry so young. I am glad that in these days most people are older now when they marry. So anyhow I saw the dr. apparently I have sometype of hernia and also have some reflux. He also thinks I may have built up scar tissue that may have to be lasered away. So he is going to do a scope-oh the joy. At least this is getting things looked at and I know finally something is being seen. I feel alot more relieved now I saw specialist:)Not sure why but my back is hurting so damn bad I cannot even begin to to tell you had badly it hurts. I've had osteoarthrtis in my spine for years now but some days I feel like it is just breaking apart. I do not tolerate pain well.One thing I have had only last 2 days and have no idea why & not told dr yet is very very very dizzy and if I try to look at something it is hard to look at even like looking in the mirror everything is like on an angle. Messed up.... ...and no I don't do drugs!!!

Pain...

Watching the Movie



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So I finally got into the xray to have my Upper GI Tract tests done. NOT A FUCKIN FUN TIME! I hate swallowing that chalk. That doctor had me moving around so much I thought I was gonna puke like being on a rollercoaster. However did appear that I may have a blockage leading into my pouch, which would explain why I have been suffering when I try to swallow solids. It also appeared to me that there were some lumps that are not supposed to be there.It's funny when my dad was driving me there I was telling him how the doctor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. He was like "is there anything you don't have?" I was like "it is my mission in life to have an illness for each letter of the alphabet lol, just kiddin dad" I personally don't concur with that diagnoses, but whatever!So I see Dr.Amson on friday and he will probably order a scope and hopefully the CT scan the other doctor had recommended. Well While I was writing this my doctors office called. Surprise surprise they want to see me. That is the fastest I ever got a callback from them. Wow I am actually crying now. I don't want another surgery, I am so fricken tired of surgery. Phil is going out after work so pretty much here on my own to sit and stew on this. I guess it couldn't happen to a better person right? I mean I must have some huge ass bad Karma out there cause bad things just always seem to happen to me. Yes if I feel attacked I can be a huge assed vengeful bitch. If you attack me as a mother or go after the one I love God save your sorry soul because I have a bad habit of acting and saying things first and thinking later. I am not the best mom in the world. I started young and I made some huge assed mistakes but I love my babies. The ones I brought into this world and the ones I lost but never stop aching over losing.I am trying to be strong but I am angry at those who have been telling me this has all been in my head. Probably because I am bipolar-screw you. I know when something isn't right in my body!!!RIGHT NOW I AM SCARED I just want to know what this is and how we fight it!For now that is all I have energy for...

Guys Do It All The Time...

So this month has been just a sheer heartache for me. I feel like I have let go of anything tangible and have nothing to grab onto. Last night I couldn't sleep. I am exhausted and tired today. So tired that I want to cry and I can't. You know just over a week ago I found out Doug had lied to me about everything for 10 long years. Which really shouldn't matter because I have chosen to be with Phil and not Doug. So what's the dif everyone says? Regardless it still hurts like hell. I truly, deeply, madly loved and trusted Doug. He was someone I could tell anything to, so yeah it hurt regardless of the fact we were no longer together. He had just recently asked me to choose him over Phil. So lately I had been questioning myself "what if"Then in the last few days I find searches on Phils computer for porn and teen porn. I find a picture of a ladies naked breasts on his phone which he says he never knew was there. Then to top it all off the lady who has text messaged my phone before about Phil cheating on me once again texted me today and said he is still at it and has a kid on the way and won't leave her alone and wants him to leave her alone but won't and the sex sucked with him. This is the 3rd instance of her texting me. Everytime Phil says he has no idea why she is doing it. He doesn't cheat ect. I don't know what to believe. He yells at me when I ask about it and calls her a cunt and me a bitch for believing it. I don't know maybe she is just causing trouble. Maybe I should just believe it. I am so confused *tears*