This year has just been such a jumble in life. Changes with me and all my kids. Changes with Phil and I. Now changes with my brother and Christine. Now Phil off work and not being able to do a damn thing. Life has really just truly sucked this year. It seems every year you think another year gone can't get much worse yet it comes and there it goes to get worse. I can honestly say I hate life more and more every day! But I am probably not alone in that. Sure there is lots of people int his world who feel the same way.
Why is it nothing every works out the way you want it to? Like life is destined to bite you in the ass just when you think your about to be happy?
Ya know since Doug and I started talking and I saw him finally, he just disappeared into the blue again? Like seeing me just made me worthless to him and he was better off not seeing me, I am confused: '(
Has anyone checked out my site http://www.petster.com/LadyIllusions/
I can say I am happy my brother bought me a ticket to go see Motley Crue and Aerosmith for my birthday I am so excited I just light up when I talk about it my friend Sherri is going with me too:) We are in row 11 so we are actually not too far back. I can't believe my brother actually bought it for my bday. I think that is the best thing to happen to me this year.
Oh I have to say I watched Gene Simmons Family Jewels cause I had nothing else to watch wow his kids are so normal and he is so funny. I loved watching the show. I can't believe there were people who actually did not know who he was that was so harsh lol.
Ya know I was thinking the other day it was commented to me how someone was gonna go back to smoking gain back their weight change back to who they were ect and how that was so bad. At first I agreed and then I was thinking if they change back maybe they weren't happy when they made those changes, maybe they made those changes feeling they had to because otherwise the love wouldn't be there like they should be. When did it be ok to put conditions on love? It seems now a days if there is not conditions on love then there is no love. Like with Doug I knew I had to never be negative, I had to always be positive, I knew I had my libidio stay strong. I knew what to say and not to say. I knew my bipolar kept him from moving in and that my lack of working and having disability kept him from marrying me. I am not stupid. Phil he always tells me he wouldn't have to yell at me or at us if we would just do what he tells us to do or do what he wants us to do. If it were HIS way all the time then he wouldn't have to yell. So I cry and I have to feel worthless because I just don't ever get it good enough for him. If I gained too much he would leave. Yeah there is another one for you. Doug never took me out when I weighed more, but when I lost weight he started to. Even then it was little. When did love come with conditions? How come it's not unconditional anymore, at what point in centuries did unconditional love happen? I wish I knew what it was to feel love for who I am just me just for who I am and for who my kids are, but have come to realize that doesn't exisit except in nursery rhymes. Why I am wasting peoples time by writing about it is beyond me. Anyhow off for now...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Phil Was In An Accident
Well Phil is off work, he got into an accident going to work and they think may have got hurt even worse at work. I met up with him at the hospital from his work on monday night and he fractured his elbow bone on the right and fracture his finger on the left hand. He was casted up on monday but had a CT scan on tuesday and now has an immobilizer on. They say he will be rechecked in 3 weeks right now he has escaped surgery but surgery may still be an option. If surgery happens they will be removing a bone. He is still applying to the military, just will put off his going in a little longer as they say he is off work at least 8 weeks :'( Roger has dropped off a bunch of stuff here, I call him at his place to wake him up every afternoon. I watched Kailar today was fun he is so good and easy to care for. Just tiring cause I been helping care for Phil too. My dad picked him up at work and took him to hospital. I called his mom at the hospital. His mom came to see him. His family all has been great and supportive. His family really loves him. He has been really loving towards me, says he thinks he got hurt so he would see he needs to love me more and be with me more and yada yada yada before he is off to the military. I just keep telling him to lay down and go sleep and I make sure he is on his meds regularly. I am glad he has his mom to support him. I worry about her too lately, she seems sore and is loosing alot of weight, I think about her alot! Sadly she lost one of her birds she was trying to save lately. It's always sad to loose an animal we care for. My newt disappeared, I didn't cry but I was super upset about it. I hope to get a couple newts when I got to salt spring. Maybe pay the kids a few bucks to get a couple in Aunty Jo's backyard again.My brother says he is gonna move back to the USA. My son has mentioned on many occasion he also wants to move to the USA. God the two of them are so alike. Roger says he is going to be a motivational speaker. I told him he has the experiences in life to be one too and one people will want to listen to. I am sure he could be one of those speakers you end up watching a show about on dateline :) Still nothing from Doug, wondering if he found a chick to lay on his plenty of fish site. Cause his dad said I missed him at their place and his phone is always right to voicemail. Apparently Michael meets ladies online as well. Ya know though I had met Doug on Monday Magazine and never for a moment regretted it. Phil however I met through my daughter, he used to take her friend and her out and so we met that way. Wierd but true :0 I'm getting more excited as the time gets closer to getting a tat or two. I am trying to convince Phil to get his favorite megatron transformer tattooed on him. With his nickname MegatronPro with it. The meds the doctor put him on for pain my dad says is an opiate pretty much prescription heroin on to joy. It's called: Dilaudid it pretty much just dulls his pain. So he has a couple motrin super strength as well.Anyhow here is some left overs and I am off:Tako-Davie Fl on Aleve Commercial wow he's hot!Never knew there was Hypnos god of sleep and he has a twin they work with Hades God of the Underworldhttp://www.shortperiod.com http://www.volvocarsus.com who would you give a volvo to? Know any up and coming sports prospects watch perrysprospects@ctv.ca http://www.freshenergy.com http://www.candlemard.com http://www.ytv.com http://www.victoriaball.com http://www.drphil.com http://www.aadac.com Alberta Alcohol & Drug Abuse Commission http://www.shadowshopper.com http://netpanel.researchbynet.com http://www.ballyrealage.com I love the drink called the Blue Lagoon Vodka, Blue Carakoe and sprite yummmmmmmmm.I watched a documentary on msnbc reports Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here: Kentucky State PenetentariaryA great Pen I think but two prisoners who have taken my interest is Victor Hiatt Looks like your average man & apparently is the most violent inmate surprises me and makes me very curious as to him as a person. The other is:Fleece Johnson, hard to believe he was considered one of the worst violent criminals when he went in as he seems like a great guy now. I'd love to talk to him and get to know how all that changed.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Happy Turkey Day, & More
Well I made turkey today for my brother, Phil and I. Turned out ok. Now all is quiet. I talked to Mary and then to DJ. DJ was a little harder I told him of all the changes and he automatically jumped to the conclusion I was setting it up to ask him to move back home. The thing is I don't have that on my mind at all because at his age why would I do that now? Everyone knows I have no thought of that at all. It almost feels like he wants me to ask him that, but I truly don't want to ask him that. If he ever came back it would be because it was on his motives, on his want and need. I hate right now how he inisists I kicked him out when I never did, he got mad at me for needing a 2 day break and left. I really wanted him to come home that weekend :'( He thinks that because I told him Sarah misses him I was trying to guilt trip him on the bus saying that that day. OMG I was stating the obvious, she does miss him ALOT! I hate fighting with him, I love him so much he is a great kid, I miss him and think about him all the time. Everyday for the last 5 days I have had very vivid dreams about him, so vivid I want to cry when I wake up. Why do we have such dreams?
Anyhow Phil is applying to the military, looks like if he goes into that he will soon be gone from victoria and I will not even have him to call :( His sister who is called his sister but isn't just got into the military leaves in a few weeks.
Roger and Christine aren't together so he has come here for a bit. He is talking about moving back to the USA. I kinda had a feeling he'd go back to the USA if that ever happened. Kinda makes me sad but one has to do what makes them happy.
Mary wants to move back still. Then there is just Sarah and I. She is pretty busy with her schedule and we do try to go out alot more often.
Phil and I had fun watching Kailar last week, we get to watch him again this week. He is a sweet kid :)
Doug seems to be busy, wonder if he finally found a chick who isn't calling him down. I know one chick had his interest so... Him and the place he works for got their heads shaved for cops for cancer. He says it's cold.
Went to Langford last week to check out Dollar Giant awesome store. I really like it but not how hard it is to get to if you use public transportation! Phil and I got in a fight on the road I hated it and I just wanted to get away. Getting in a fight out in public makes things so so so much worse. I fricken hate fighting!
I got a few text messages on my phone yesterday saying:
from: Chris Williams: Subject: 1/2 msg: Phil honey y didur x call me the other day saying ur engaged when ur not i thought it was funny u didn't tell her about me & u & t
msg: he kids nice trytrying 2 cal
msg: call me on my other line when she was talking 2 me oh was she mad that i was a girl but doesntshe know we still c eachother &uc
msg: um c thekids2 cyl love ya
How would you think and feel if your fiancee got messages like this on your cell? I am to say the least super choked!!! Phil says he has never been like that with her and he knows nothing about it or why she is doing this. I don't know what to think, feel or believe :'(
I was actually going to blog the other day on how would you feel if for as long as you've been together the person you've been with has been physically distant and then out of the blue is just hugely physically gropey and all over you, can't get enough. How do you take that? Do you think something is up or different? I mean it's made me just wonder what is up. I'm confused and now all the sudden this texting crap. Could the two be realated or am I just paranoid?
Anyhow here is written down and email stuff: I was excited to see Meatloaf has Bat Out Of Hell 3 is coming out in stores and going on tour? Is this so OMFG I love it, I love Meatloaf
http://ladyillusions.badoo.com/ http://tabbytime.petster.com/LadyIllusions http://www.matchfm.com/ I'm Sattorie http://www.onlinebootycall.comI'm LadyIllusions
http://www.theurcinvestigates.com or is it org? http://www.bestfriends.org http://www.beaches.com http://vampirefreaks.com http://www.amandatusing.com http://www.kidsmiles.ca The Legacy http://www.waramps.ca Ducks Unlimited http://www.ducks.ca
The B.C. Association for Community Living (BCACL) and the Provincial Government of British Columbia have proclaimed October as Community Living Month. Throughout the month, communities around the province and across Canada host Community Living Month events to celebrate the abilities and achievements of people with developmental disabilities. This year provides so many reasons to celebrate community living. Every day, I am overwhelmed and inspired by the unparalleled dedication and leadership of people with developmental disabilities and their families in our communities. Community Living Month makes us stop and take the time to celebrate our lives together.2006 marks BCACL's 10th anniversary of celebrating Community Living Month. Ten years ago, the last person with a developmental disability living in a large institution in BC moved to their home in the community. This year, we celebrate the United Nations’ Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. This convention clearly recognizes equal value, rights and contributions of people with developmental disabilities and their families to an extent never attained before in international law. We invite you to sign the Declaration to Create an Inclusive & Accessible Canada at www.endexclusion.ca. It is a Canada wide initiative designed to celebrate successes of people with disabilities. Join BCACL in supporting this initiative along with the Canadian Association for Community Living, the Council of Canadians with Disabilities and provincial and national partners. Add your voice to the thousands of citizens across Canada to end exclusion and celebrate the achievements we have made in advancing the rights of people with disabilities. Any effort you can make to help foster pride in our collective efforts to create communities which are welcoming of all abilities, can play a significant role in forging a greater sense of equality, acceptance and understanding within our society as a whole.
Anyhow Phil is applying to the military, looks like if he goes into that he will soon be gone from victoria and I will not even have him to call :( His sister who is called his sister but isn't just got into the military leaves in a few weeks.
Roger and Christine aren't together so he has come here for a bit. He is talking about moving back to the USA. I kinda had a feeling he'd go back to the USA if that ever happened. Kinda makes me sad but one has to do what makes them happy.
Mary wants to move back still. Then there is just Sarah and I. She is pretty busy with her schedule and we do try to go out alot more often.
Phil and I had fun watching Kailar last week, we get to watch him again this week. He is a sweet kid :)
Doug seems to be busy, wonder if he finally found a chick who isn't calling him down. I know one chick had his interest so... Him and the place he works for got their heads shaved for cops for cancer. He says it's cold.
Went to Langford last week to check out Dollar Giant awesome store. I really like it but not how hard it is to get to if you use public transportation! Phil and I got in a fight on the road I hated it and I just wanted to get away. Getting in a fight out in public makes things so so so much worse. I fricken hate fighting!
I got a few text messages on my phone yesterday saying:
from: Chris Williams: Subject: 1/2 msg: Phil honey y didur x call me the other day saying ur engaged when ur not i thought it was funny u didn't tell her about me & u & t
msg: he kids nice trytrying 2 cal
msg: call me on my other line when she was talking 2 me oh was she mad that i was a girl but doesntshe know we still c eachother &uc
msg: um c thekids2 cyl love ya
How would you think and feel if your fiancee got messages like this on your cell? I am to say the least super choked!!! Phil says he has never been like that with her and he knows nothing about it or why she is doing this. I don't know what to think, feel or believe :'(
I was actually going to blog the other day on how would you feel if for as long as you've been together the person you've been with has been physically distant and then out of the blue is just hugely physically gropey and all over you, can't get enough. How do you take that? Do you think something is up or different? I mean it's made me just wonder what is up. I'm confused and now all the sudden this texting crap. Could the two be realated or am I just paranoid?
Anyhow here is written down and email stuff: I was excited to see Meatloaf has Bat Out Of Hell 3 is coming out in stores and going on tour? Is this so OMFG I love it, I love Meatloaf
http://ladyillusions.badoo.com/ http://tabbytime.petster.com/LadyIllusions http://www.matchfm.com/ I'm Sattorie http://www.onlinebootycall.comI'm LadyIllusions
http://www.theurcinvestigates.com or is it org? http://www.bestfriends.org http://www.beaches.com http://vampirefreaks.com http://www.amandatusing.com http://www.kidsmiles.ca The Legacy http://www.waramps.ca Ducks Unlimited http://www.ducks.ca
The B.C. Association for Community Living (BCACL) and the Provincial Government of British Columbia have proclaimed October as Community Living Month. Throughout the month, communities around the province and across Canada host Community Living Month events to celebrate the abilities and achievements of people with developmental disabilities. This year provides so many reasons to celebrate community living. Every day, I am overwhelmed and inspired by the unparalleled dedication and leadership of people with developmental disabilities and their families in our communities. Community Living Month makes us stop and take the time to celebrate our lives together.2006 marks BCACL's 10th anniversary of celebrating Community Living Month. Ten years ago, the last person with a developmental disability living in a large institution in BC moved to their home in the community. This year, we celebrate the United Nations’ Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. This convention clearly recognizes equal value, rights and contributions of people with developmental disabilities and their families to an extent never attained before in international law. We invite you to sign the Declaration to Create an Inclusive & Accessible Canada at www.endexclusion.ca. It is a Canada wide initiative designed to celebrate successes of people with disabilities. Join BCACL in supporting this initiative along with the Canadian Association for Community Living, the Council of Canadians with Disabilities and provincial and national partners. Add your voice to the thousands of citizens across Canada to end exclusion and celebrate the achievements we have made in advancing the rights of people with disabilities. Any effort you can make to help foster pride in our collective efforts to create communities which are welcoming of all abilities, can play a significant role in forging a greater sense of equality, acceptance and understanding within our society as a whole.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Manic Phase, Watch Out
Well wow here I am again. If you haven't guessed it yet, the last 2 or 3 weeks I have been in a huge manic phase. Thus why the doctor upped my meds to try and settle things back down. However unlike my psychiatrist she doesn't listen to me and goes alot slower with my meds. Which I guess could be a good thing, but doesn't feel so good when I feel the way I feel right now. I see her again in a week and a half, which I made sure to book just in case the med change wasn't going to be enough (as I knew it probably wouldn't be). I wish they had a pill that could just shut off all running thoughts, could shut of bad memories and that could completely turn off the pain. Not the physical pain that I am used to I would rather deal with the physical pain. It's the emotional pain because you can't touch it, you can't see it, you can't do a fucking thing about it but cry. I write about it, but that makes me cry more. I grew up where crying was not acceptable. Go to your room and cry, or do you want something to cry about? That is what we got. When I was with Doug somehow the phone would get disconnected or he would leave or fall offline. I learned with him if I had negative emotions to keep them to myself, he had enough negativity in his life and at work. Then there is Phil. Women cry to be manipulative little bitches, or we cry over anything and everything. It pisses him off pretty bad so I try I really try not to cry in front of him. Cause when I do it just makes it so much worse. Even my best friend Sherri has said I cry about everything. So yeah over time I have tried hard to just keep any tears I have to myself because I have learned crying in front of others will make it all that much worse. Crying won't solve a damn thing, it's stupid and should be controlled!
So anyway yeah I am on a manic up and down like you wouldn't believe it's almost hour by hour thing, sometimes minute by minute. One minute I am on a huge adreniline wanna clean everything, go do everything moment. The next I feel dead to the world and cranky tired. Just want to be left alone. My thoughts are scattered. I envy those who have their Bipolar under control for years, I would love to finally be there too. I know I am getting there but I want to already be there:'(
Some days I do ok just being Sarah and I. But then something happens or I see or hear something and I just feel like the earth has fallen out from under me and my world isn't right. Yesterday Mary called she got to go shopping with a friend of Michael's and was spoiled rotten, told her sounds like things are pretty good. She changes quick and says no just was fun with her at that moment. She's asked to come home at Christmas and I am feeling very conflicted about it. I am just torn up I don't know what to do. I miss her so much but she is so hard to deal with:'( Then DJ called today asked for me by my name that hurt. He wanted to know what spice I used when I cook my chicken:) Everyone loves my Cajun Chicken. I have to credit Michael he got me started with one recipe and I kinda expanded it. Now everyone is hooked on it. I guess I should be happy for the call but I miss him so much. It is ripping me up so much inside. I think about him everyday, he is so much like my brother and I, and I could talk to him about anything and everything. I realize now maybe I talked to him about too much I forgot he is just a kid not an adult and that was wrong. The one thing I hate is now Sarah thinks she has to be my protector. If she catches me crying she wants to fix it. If she sees me fighting she wants to protect me. So I am trying to keep everything low key and happy for her. Her and I go out alot. We shop and go downtown. We take pictures, go to her sports she's in. I am very proud of her, she is doing so much, sometimes I can't believe I gave birth to so much talent. When people ask if that is my daughter because she's so good I can't help but smile and proudly say yes she is and thanks. She is gonna be great you watch, one day in the papers and on TV she'll be in the sports section!!! She says she will say thanks to mom, dad and uncle bobbie(shakes head-from family guy, if she does that I am gonna scream lol).
Tomorrow is gonna be a long day we get to go watch Kailar for the day, Sarah has early day and soccer practise, and Phil's brother Rick's fiance Liz's bday is tomorrow and there is a dinner for her that we're supposed to go to. We shall see. As I said we keep busy and are almost always on the go now. I guess that is partially the reason for my lost weight.
I have about a cazillion pics to go through and edit so I can post them, I so need a CD burner I am sure I have a ton of space eaten up by the pics:) Phil says I take too many pics. Yeah well he buys too many Transformers lol. He has 3 or 4 more transformers he bought on ebay.
I did ask for transfer papers, depending on what I decide about Miss Mary I may transfer out of here.
I've been considering going to a chiropracter for my back, but when I saw wifeswap last night it looked so painful when the little girl was getting cracked and my dad told me when he went he felt worse after than he did when he went in. I noticed the other day that my one arm has really bumpy bumps on the bone, I was massaging it because it felt a little sore. I had a couple other people feel it and yep they said it feels wierd too. Great another spot where my bones are gonna be screwed up, like my back is not bad enough? I've had tendinitis for about 12yrs but it has been pretty good last couple yrs only lately has it been acting up. It sucks:(
I was so insulted today on Law & Order Criminal Intent they asked who would have 'O Canada' as a ringtone as if it were a bad thing. Hello? I have had it as a ring tone. Bad Law and Order writers I cannot believe that was written into the storyline. I am a little peeved by that!
I wanted to put this link before I forget, I have watched every Big Brother except the first one I cannot believe Chill Town won, and I think Mike only won because of Will. (shakes head) http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/big_brother_7/2006_Sep_13_mike_boogie_wins
Have you ever had something that if you see it or hear it a trigger goes off in your head? I have a few but one that I have and have tried to overcome because it didn't happen to me but someone I love and care about is duct tape. I watch alot of crime shows and true life crime ect and in watching those alot of scenes come up with people tied up or muffled with that and I always feel like puking and/or crying and I get flashbacks to something that happened when I was younger to someone else. I always wonder if it triggers them since it happened to them.
I have done alot of reading on siblings and their place in the family. I am the oldest of 3. Yet alot of people have mistaken me for the youngest. Actually it is me, then my sister and then my brother. I am the slower of the 3, and both my sister and my brother when I was younger had come to my defense. We are all very different.
Hmmmm well I had more to write but I have to go take my meds now. I just finished talking to my brother and changes have come to his life, which is bringing changes to my life. One good thing from it is being able to be a good big sister. I love being there for my little brother. I love to know that he knows he can always, always come to to me no matter what. Anyone who gets to be in my brothers life should hold him tight because he will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Trust me he is a keeper and I am sure his wife knew that to her dying day. I only hope he finds someone else to love him like she did again....
Anyhow some emails sent to me and am pasting here and laterz all....
Sunday night King Ring Nancy signed a record deal with DeadBunny Records and a management Deal also! We are proud to say we will be working under the care of Mr. Dixon Christie from this day on. Also our album is coming along very well and completion of the album is not far off.
It Must Be Nice To Be A Man...Because:1. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 2. Wrinkles add character. 3. The occasional well-renderedbelch is practically expected. 4. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut onto a bolt. 5. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. 6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 7. No one stares at your boobs when you’re having a conversation. 8. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 9. ONE mood, ALL the damn time. 10. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
For over 25 years, NAMI has been committed to raising awareness and promoting research into the causes and cures for mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health, and even the priority of NIMH in the larger research arena, has enjoyed a growth in funding due in no small part to NAMI advocacy. NAMI's tireless efforts to advocate for mental illness has resulted in a public investment in research and greatly influenced the private sector to expand its commitment as well. NAMI will celebrate its second annual Unmasking Mental Illness Gala in Washington, D.C. on October 18, 2006. The event will spotlight NAMI's commitment to promoting research into the causes, treatment, and cure for mental illnesses and will be attended by members of Congress, political leaders, and an honor roll of scientists and researchers. Patty Duke will present the 2006 NAMI Mind of America Scientific Research Award to Charles L. Bowden, M.D., for his seminal research on bipolar disorder. The $50,000 Award recognizes a scientist whose research has led to a greater understanding of mental illness. Specific treatments and significant advances in mental illness research are on the horizon; NAMI recognizes the federal government's role in supporting enhanced funding for public research, partnering with ongoing private research.In the coming months, NAMI will launch a federal advocacy initiative focused on new treatments, scientific breakthroughs, and ultimately a cure for mental illness. We can't do this alone. Find out about ways you can support NAMI as we move forward with our commitment to research through our Donation Center. (http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Donate&lstid=747) Learn more about the Gala and how you can attend (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Unmasking_Mental_Illness_Gala&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=25805)
Canadians in Hell:
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
So anyway yeah I am on a manic up and down like you wouldn't believe it's almost hour by hour thing, sometimes minute by minute. One minute I am on a huge adreniline wanna clean everything, go do everything moment. The next I feel dead to the world and cranky tired. Just want to be left alone. My thoughts are scattered. I envy those who have their Bipolar under control for years, I would love to finally be there too. I know I am getting there but I want to already be there:'(
Some days I do ok just being Sarah and I. But then something happens or I see or hear something and I just feel like the earth has fallen out from under me and my world isn't right. Yesterday Mary called she got to go shopping with a friend of Michael's and was spoiled rotten, told her sounds like things are pretty good. She changes quick and says no just was fun with her at that moment. She's asked to come home at Christmas and I am feeling very conflicted about it. I am just torn up I don't know what to do. I miss her so much but she is so hard to deal with:'( Then DJ called today asked for me by my name that hurt. He wanted to know what spice I used when I cook my chicken:) Everyone loves my Cajun Chicken. I have to credit Michael he got me started with one recipe and I kinda expanded it. Now everyone is hooked on it. I guess I should be happy for the call but I miss him so much. It is ripping me up so much inside. I think about him everyday, he is so much like my brother and I, and I could talk to him about anything and everything. I realize now maybe I talked to him about too much I forgot he is just a kid not an adult and that was wrong. The one thing I hate is now Sarah thinks she has to be my protector. If she catches me crying she wants to fix it. If she sees me fighting she wants to protect me. So I am trying to keep everything low key and happy for her. Her and I go out alot. We shop and go downtown. We take pictures, go to her sports she's in. I am very proud of her, she is doing so much, sometimes I can't believe I gave birth to so much talent. When people ask if that is my daughter because she's so good I can't help but smile and proudly say yes she is and thanks. She is gonna be great you watch, one day in the papers and on TV she'll be in the sports section!!! She says she will say thanks to mom, dad and uncle bobbie(shakes head-from family guy, if she does that I am gonna scream lol).
Tomorrow is gonna be a long day we get to go watch Kailar for the day, Sarah has early day and soccer practise, and Phil's brother Rick's fiance Liz's bday is tomorrow and there is a dinner for her that we're supposed to go to. We shall see. As I said we keep busy and are almost always on the go now. I guess that is partially the reason for my lost weight.
I have about a cazillion pics to go through and edit so I can post them, I so need a CD burner I am sure I have a ton of space eaten up by the pics:) Phil says I take too many pics. Yeah well he buys too many Transformers lol. He has 3 or 4 more transformers he bought on ebay.
I did ask for transfer papers, depending on what I decide about Miss Mary I may transfer out of here.
I've been considering going to a chiropracter for my back, but when I saw wifeswap last night it looked so painful when the little girl was getting cracked and my dad told me when he went he felt worse after than he did when he went in. I noticed the other day that my one arm has really bumpy bumps on the bone, I was massaging it because it felt a little sore. I had a couple other people feel it and yep they said it feels wierd too. Great another spot where my bones are gonna be screwed up, like my back is not bad enough? I've had tendinitis for about 12yrs but it has been pretty good last couple yrs only lately has it been acting up. It sucks:(
I was so insulted today on Law & Order Criminal Intent they asked who would have 'O Canada' as a ringtone as if it were a bad thing. Hello? I have had it as a ring tone. Bad Law and Order writers I cannot believe that was written into the storyline. I am a little peeved by that!
I wanted to put this link before I forget, I have watched every Big Brother except the first one I cannot believe Chill Town won, and I think Mike only won because of Will. (shakes head) http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/big_brother_7/2006_Sep_13_mike_boogie_wins
Have you ever had something that if you see it or hear it a trigger goes off in your head? I have a few but one that I have and have tried to overcome because it didn't happen to me but someone I love and care about is duct tape. I watch alot of crime shows and true life crime ect and in watching those alot of scenes come up with people tied up or muffled with that and I always feel like puking and/or crying and I get flashbacks to something that happened when I was younger to someone else. I always wonder if it triggers them since it happened to them.
I have done alot of reading on siblings and their place in the family. I am the oldest of 3. Yet alot of people have mistaken me for the youngest. Actually it is me, then my sister and then my brother. I am the slower of the 3, and both my sister and my brother when I was younger had come to my defense. We are all very different.
Hmmmm well I had more to write but I have to go take my meds now. I just finished talking to my brother and changes have come to his life, which is bringing changes to my life. One good thing from it is being able to be a good big sister. I love being there for my little brother. I love to know that he knows he can always, always come to to me no matter what. Anyone who gets to be in my brothers life should hold him tight because he will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Trust me he is a keeper and I am sure his wife knew that to her dying day. I only hope he finds someone else to love him like she did again....
Anyhow some emails sent to me and am pasting here and laterz all....
Sunday night King Ring Nancy signed a record deal with DeadBunny Records and a management Deal also! We are proud to say we will be working under the care of Mr. Dixon Christie from this day on. Also our album is coming along very well and completion of the album is not far off.
It Must Be Nice To Be A Man...Because:1. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 2. Wrinkles add character. 3. The occasional well-renderedbelch is practically expected. 4. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut onto a bolt. 5. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. 6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 7. No one stares at your boobs when you’re having a conversation. 8. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 9. ONE mood, ALL the damn time. 10. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
For over 25 years, NAMI has been committed to raising awareness and promoting research into the causes and cures for mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health, and even the priority of NIMH in the larger research arena, has enjoyed a growth in funding due in no small part to NAMI advocacy. NAMI's tireless efforts to advocate for mental illness has resulted in a public investment in research and greatly influenced the private sector to expand its commitment as well. NAMI will celebrate its second annual Unmasking Mental Illness Gala in Washington, D.C. on October 18, 2006. The event will spotlight NAMI's commitment to promoting research into the causes, treatment, and cure for mental illnesses and will be attended by members of Congress, political leaders, and an honor roll of scientists and researchers. Patty Duke will present the 2006 NAMI Mind of America Scientific Research Award to Charles L. Bowden, M.D., for his seminal research on bipolar disorder. The $50,000 Award recognizes a scientist whose research has led to a greater understanding of mental illness. Specific treatments and significant advances in mental illness research are on the horizon; NAMI recognizes the federal government's role in supporting enhanced funding for public research, partnering with ongoing private research.In the coming months, NAMI will launch a federal advocacy initiative focused on new treatments, scientific breakthroughs, and ultimately a cure for mental illness. We can't do this alone. Find out about ways you can support NAMI as we move forward with our commitment to research through our Donation Center. (http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Donate&lstid=747) Learn more about the Gala and how you can attend (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Unmasking_Mental_Illness_Gala&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=25805)
Canadians in Hell:
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
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