Happy Holidays

Well yeah I been quiet back to my sad depressive state lately and very tired I am a month behind on my iron shots. Everyone here got super sick before the holidays and DJ poor boy even got chickenpox. I never saw Mary just for a few minutes when she came to get her gifts. I broke down and cried christmas eve and since just try to numb the pain. I had fun at Doreens on the 23rd had a few drinks was numb my absolute favorite feeling in the world. Nothing beats feeling like nothing can hurt you and nothing matters, numb is the only feeling I enjoy. However when we went to Sherri's for christmas we had someone watch the dog but then couldn't and Phil just lost it. So I spent time in the room until Sherri calmed him down. It reminded me of why I don't go out anymore. Anything to avoid being in the light and the madness. I grew up that way I don't want that in front of others now. He apologized and everyone was fine but I was hard pressed to just be happy. Eventually at about 2am when we couldn't sleep I gave him one of his transformers and he gave me a stuffed snowman with spiced apple body stuff. We spent the next few hours laughing trying to keep things down. However DJ couldn't sleep either so we gave him Phil's cell to play chess on while we listened to my ipod. I got Phil a ton of transformers for Christmas. Sarah got her bike and was so happy, DJ got a few things he really wanted and Sherri I got her unicorn and friend stuff I wanted her to feel christmased up too. I cooked "George" turkey the night before we left and left it in the crock pot with all the other stuff so I wouldn't have to cook Christmas night. Which was good as DJ fell asleep at 5pm I had fell asleep a few times and crashed about 7:30pm and Phil and Sarah not too far behind. Boxing day we went to his sisters but after a few hours I had a headache and Phil refused to leave so I went and layed in the car and Sarah came with. Went to walmart for a couple things then went home and took some much needed tylenol. My TMJ is really bad for a month now. Hurts to open my mouth alot so always taking advil just to be able to open my mouth. I swear God hates me, he wants me to suffer, who has this much wrong with them at this age? It's bullshit. Yesterday Phil was supposed to go up island but DJ and I were so tired, Sarah was gone and Phil was so sick, I mean so sick. I even made him call in to work and he slept most of the day. Got up and cleaned for an hour or so and then crashed for the night. So nice to see the place all cleaned up, you have no idea. So anyhow what did I get? Well Sarah gave me a bobblehead german shepard as I am trying to collect german shepards. Dj got me my I-Dog which made me soooooooooooo happy, just hate that it takes batteries it died in a day:( Phil gave me a little of this and that in the stocking, but for christmas he gave a diamond heart ring, diamond heart earings and a black and white sparkly cameo watch. I LOVE CAMEO's. Before Christmas he did get me a black and white cameo ring, it's big but I am so in love with cameo's I refuse to not wear it. I also got white gold black and white cameo earings which I refuse to ever take out. Now I just need a black and white cameo necklace in gold which so far we can't find:( We got a cup filled with drinks and candy from one of Phil's brothers and a container with baked goods from his parents. We got all the adults either chocolate, cookies w/tray or nuts. My mom and dad, grandmother and sister and brother didn't give anything this year. Dj and Sarah got decorations from my mom and dad, 25 dollars from my grandmother and Sarah got something not sure yet from my sister. The kids also got nice things from Phil's parents and yes all 3. We did get Mary some perfume, a really nice dolphin clock you'd be surprised how something like that costs so much, a jewlery box, a snowflake necklace and bracelet, a small dolphin, beads and Dj and Sarah each got her a gift.Michael gave us money towards the bike, and gave her another gift when she got there. I gave her gifts for him and her grandparents and Michael's new girlfriends daughters whom apparently got alot from Michael themselves this christmas from what Sarah said. None of the kids will be here for New Years eve and not even sure that Phil will be. We had an electrical storm not too long ago holy crap it woke DJ out of a sound sleep I have never heard thunder like that in my life and I have been all over canada. Oh I am so proud of myself of all the transformers I got Phil only DJ's was a match. Do I rock or what? The guy has about 200 of them, so not getting a double was lucky. DJ even went around checking each one lol. I also got lucky 2 different types came out just before christmas. I truly do hate the holidays though, all I been able to think of lately is Alden (my deceased niece), Christmas I hated before but now I hate it more. We didn't even put up one decoration this year. Sarah had a tree in her room. I despise the holidays. Not having one of your children makes it harder, but to find out Mary opened all our gifts before christmas made me cry that much more. I felt destroyed and like someone beat the hell out of me, like telling me you don't matter. She even told Sarah what she got from her before she opened them.Yes she got Sarah a big black horse and a small gold plated horse clock and got DJ a gummy necklace which he gave to Sarah. I and Phil got a card.So we have to switch over to a shaw number because telus will not release our number, we had to change numbers before because the phone company I had wouldn't release my number either. Grrrrrrr....Princess, Storm and Casper liked their gifts:)Especially PrincessOh I been looking out for puggles but found out in BC at least they are not registered here so trying to find one is difficult. Damn it. They are so cute and small and omg I just love them. I have just a normal pug stuffed that Mary gave me that I absolutely adore I won't let anyone touch it. Oh yeah before christmas too Phil got me on the net a giggle pillsbury dough boy which is hard to get and a plastic original pillsbury dough boy. Anyone know where you can get plastic bags to cover toys?Anyway I feel like crying again so am off. Oh I can say I am happy today I finally got my bracelet that supports SIDS families. It said in the letter I was a hero I am writing to tell them I am not. I am honouring my promise to Alden to supports SIDS every year if I could. Hope everyone has happy holidays and maybe when the holidays are over I will begin to feel a little better again...
Something I got in my email and always makes me cry so close to me too closeI Got Flowers TodayWe had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day.Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral! Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......

Alive and changing

Well I haven'treally been online lately. I did go to see my therapist and they put me back on my meds. I always feel dizzy and nauseated when I first go back on them. I told them though my biggest issue right now is I am constantly feeling aggiated. I don't want to be touched or huged or even have anyone talk to me, because I have this creepy crawly feeling in me when they do. I can only explain it as trying to listen to as many things at possible and through all that noise you are trying hard to concentrate on what the person is doing. I have never felt this aggitated before.Since I have been offline I got some new jeans, I got a leather jacket that had a fricken awesome low price. We figured out how to use the ipod. I got a couple of warmer shirts. I had no warm winter clothes. We bought Sarah's big gift and even Michael put money towards it. I am impressed. Sarah has her hair cut short now. We got tired of telling her to brush her hair. It looks bad when she doesn't brush it.We discovered Princess has like this scaly skin on the back of her by her tail. It's like baby cradle cap never seen that on a dog before. So I been treating it with tee tree oil and combing out as many flakes as I can every day. My therapist put me back on my sleep meds because I have been up for 3 and 4 days at a time sometimes. Even though I am tired I can't sleep. Having them is slowly getting me back on track and I only need them when I am so wide awake and need to sleep. Lately I am again getting tired on my own.I got a shock from my heating pad. Man that hurt. I discovered the wires were out of the plastic that supports the wire. I was thankful that I got shocked rather then there being a fire. I bought a new one which happened to be on sale, that rocks. Plus this one has 4 settings and it turns itself off in 2 hours time. My ears have been ringing for 4 days now I hate that. I also have that stiff achy feeling in my lower legs and feet. This time though it's slowly also happening in my arms. Massage helps to an extenet but honest to God I feel like someone is trying to pull my bones out of my toes. Then on top of that I feel really hot. My feet are hot legs are not as hot but warm and my hands are hot and sore. My hands get so hot I swear I could fry an egg. It's seriously not cool.We get our hampers in just a few more days. Curious what these chrisco hampers are like. You pay just a bit of money every month for I think 8 months and then just before christmas they bring them to you. We ordered a turkey hamper, a roast hamper and a strictly just chicken hamper. On TV the hampers look awesome. I love this time of year egg nog season whew hoo. It's the only part of this part of year that I love. I hate christmas, I hate the holidays. It's depressing and nothing like I remember as a kid. I haven't talked to Doug much a couple times he was supposed to come over but it never came to be due in my part. I am still not really hungry but thirsty alot. I can't seem to drink enough and I have been laying off the pop too. I actually drink alot of water and milk and light eggnog cause normal eggnog is too much for my pouch now. I'm almost done with my shopping for Phil. I thought I was going to die when I went to the mall. I had such a bad anxiety attack I had to call Phil to come get me. I hate crowds. I've changed so much I used to be the most social person and now I prefer to stay away from everyone and I have learned to trust no one and I do mean no one!!!We tried out the shaw phone and love it so we're getting rid of telus and sticking with cable phone. I love being able to call anywhere in north america at any time for free and 411 is free and 911 is beefed up.I broke another tooth omg it kills I been using anbesol so much. I will eventually have to go in because the nerve is exposed. Cold and hot stuff omg OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!Phil is really trying to be sweet with me and patient with me. We've bickered a couple of times but nothing serious and not long fights thank god. He is always always telling me that he really does love me. He wants me to trust him but I can't go there not yet, not ready. I watched the Knots Landing reunion last night, now I also saw Dallas this year what we need now is Dynasty. Such a blast from the past.`You know what I hate about meds? The dryness it leaves in your mouth, blech.I was talking to Phil I told him I want to go back to school. Even if it is just 1 or 2 classes. I have such an interest in criminology. I would so love to be a profiler. I am always profiling just for kicks. I'm sure it's different in real life though. I am so happy to now have a cell phone, no more spending a quarter to find out where the hell he is in the store. The first place I always look is in toys because his transformers are his whole life, and I am surrounded by them.Sarah is still coming and laying beside me at night till Phil gets home. It's not every night but she's still doing it. I think that will slowly stop. The pain I was talking about ya know in my arms it's wierd cause the insides in the crook omg when I put my arm out or stretch it in any capacity it's like owwwwwwwwwww. Why do I have to have so many things wrong with me? It's not fricken fair and I am tired of it. Oh I have a small stuffed piglet now. He is my favorite cartoon guy. I am waiting for my pillbury dough boy to come now too. I have a plastic one and a stuffed giggly one. My dog can sit, lay down, shake a paw, jump up and catch a toy or food. But I can't get her to do SPEAK or ROLL OVER. I tried to teach her to keep something on her nose and flip it into her mouth:( Oh and she has learned to get a toy or ball but can't seem to grasp dropping it when she brings it back. She plays cat and mouse. Silly dog. We went to vacuum and nothing was getting picked up. The fricken thing is clogged. There is no blow button and it's an upright bagless how the hell do I get it unclogged? Princess has her hair everywhere mine is around alot too it's grown alot. Anyhow I've bitched long enough I am off ta ta...