Yes I Am Still Alive

Well I did upload some of my burn pics on my msn space but they are nothing compared to some of the other ones I still have to post. I been in bed alot because it hurt so bad. The doctors are not sure why I burnt so bad, my meds should have been ok. I was in my backyard all of 3 hours and not even the whole 3 hours in the morning. Then Phil gave me soup and I went to open the lid I had nothing covering me because it hurt too bad and spilt the soup all down my already horrendously bad burn. I expected Phil to yell at me for being so stupid but he just yelled at me to get into the tub. Sarah was yelling for an ambulance I was hyperventilating and wouldn't talk to either of them. The world was just spinning and I really felt like I was going to die. I soaked a towel with rreally cold water. Phil sat by me until I started to breathe properly then he went and made the bed. He said he should have opened the soup in the first place. I didn't care all I knew is I felt stupid and I was in soooooo much pain. We did go to the hospital a couple days later and found out I am allergic to solercaine. Didn't find out till yesterdays visit that it is a magor allergin!! Thanks Last doctors could have told us so. Mostly healed now except my left shin is still torn open and hurts like a bitch as a result of using solarcaine on the burn there, and chest has some magor sores and now that scales and yellowness is gone I have an itch that had me screaming in pain and finally we went to dr last week she gave me a low dose hydracortisone cream which did NOTHING! We went to hospital yesterday and I bawled my eyes out and they gave me a much much stronger hydracortizone cream holy shit it is so soft. Plus Phil and I pleaded for something internal and they gave me this stuff that stops the itching but knocks you out, well hell I don't care knock me out get rid of this rash. The rash they still do not know where it is from. I may still have to see a dermatologist, apparently my back is somewhat colorful:(Mary is a little wishy washy about her feelings on being with her dad. DJ still hates me but has spent longer on the phone talking to me on the phone. Sarah had fun we got stuff for her party the other day and got her hair all cut off.Phil's car completely died. So now we have no car, oh the fun we shall now have. It appears my family understands why we would need a car but his family not so much. But life is life and ya gotta do with what you can do with.I know nothing I say or do lately seems to make Phil happy. He yells how ugly he is, how old he is getting. Now that his little brother is now going to be a dad he yells at me because I can't have a kid of his. Like I did it on purpose. I couldn't have another kid long long long before I met Phil. But it kills me and makes me feel inconsequential and worthless because I can't get him a new car and I can't give him lots of kids and I don't make lots of money. I have had him so angry at me and I don't know what I did. I wish to God I could give him the world. I wish I could buy him a brand new truck and every transformer, that I could give him all the kids he could handle. I wish I could give him all the money in the world to spend. I wish I were more healthy and I know I am stupid and unstable and I shouldn't have to take meds like I do. I can't hike and climb like I used to. I try to stay offline because I don't want him thinking I would talk to any guy for any reason. I wouldn't interest any guy anyway I mean who wants junk like me? Phil always has chicks at his feet why can't he see how hot he still is?His bday is coming up I been planning things I want so much to make it huge for him. He deserves the best!!! ANyhow I am fine taking my meds, healing and hope everyone else is well!!!