LadyIllusions Thoughts

Making tougher laws for youth in canada

2011-08-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

Facebook | Angela MacRae

2009-12-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

Facebook | Angela MacRaeI"m havin a bad day I haven't slept for 2 days and a cousin died of cancer today yes another 1:( Plus I missing the innocence of my children when they were young & needed me, when my youngest one clung to me & right now she's just lost in darkness somewhere & I don't know how to help her. Our holidays will suck. I remember always complaining of setting up the tree well this year there is no tree no decorations, I can't afford gifts. I have good days and bad right now it just feels so overwhelming... I feel so so alone. I think of Someone and wish for just one night ....We're trying so hard to replensh what we lost clothes are huge ... See Moreright now it's damn cold.We don't even have linen or pots and pans we're even looking for a single bed for Sarah. I mean I see people out there going through harder and I haven't stop thinking about that lady with cancetr God Bless her she deserves so much more than us. I'm just havin a bad day I just need some rest uh...

Nadya Suleman Mother of Recent Octuplets: In My Opinion:

2009-02-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4OCPP1s0xU
I just wanted to give my 2 cents worth about this headline. As some or some of you may or may not know this lady is a single mother to already 6 children. She does not have a job or or a significant other. She doesn't have alot. Because of this she is getting tremendous backlash. Isn't it funny when the couples had 7 babies everyone was laughing and having fun and everyone wanted to help. This lady they want to know who the irrisponsible dr was that implanted her with the 8 embryos, they think her children should be taken away. Dr.Phil is doing a show on it tomorrow. Apparently she grew up an only child and she wanted a big family. Of the 6 children she had before these ones There is a set of twins.
I wondered why she didn't wait until she was finished school and had money coming in. Apparently the dr told her if she wanted more kids she had to do it quick because her parts wouldn't be good much longer. I wanted 6 kids. I lost 3. I lost one do to a traumatic trauma just before I had Sarah. I was 2 months along and the dr said I might have needed surgery if the antibiotics didn't clean up the infection I got from loosing the baby. it's the only one I went to the dr for I was in so much pain and it just hurt so bad. He told me not to try again for 6 mos but I was so devestated I just wanted to replace that ache, that emptiness right away so yeah everyone knew I was trying when I got pregnant with Sarah. Dr was not impressed with me but he knew why I got pregnant. It's odd DJ he looks just like his dad, and Sarah she too looks just like her dad. Mary is the one who everyone says omg you look like your mother.
Anyway yeah Nadya's babies are so tiny, so cute. I just don't know how she is gonna raise all those babies alone. I think her older kids are going to end up taking some of the brunt of parenting. Apparently Dateline has taken on hate mail from people because they interviewed Nadya. What is wrong with people. Sending her death threats. Hoping she dies, wishing her ill will? What is wrong with people. Do you realize she has been a mother for years already and you wish these kids to not have their mother? Yeah she has maybe not made a decision that we may not all agree with what she did but it's done and there are much worse crimes than to have children. Your anger can be better placed elsewhere like pedophiles and rapists don't you think? I don't know that's just me...

help me find him, help help me find him...

2008-12-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting here at 6:33am so exhausted words cannot describe but scared if I go to sleep something more will happen with Daryll and Mary. Last night was bigtime eventful. Mary's wall now has 2 holes it thanks to Daryll. He said he hit the wall so he didn't hit her, good choice either way still a violent reaction. However she took all his clothes into the bathroom so he couldn't pack them and it took me about 10 mins to get to her and get him his clothes. Oh it was over her dead body that he was going back to Port. God she reminds me so much of how things went down with her father and I. She has had a headache all day as when Daryll hit the wall she banged her head on the wall she probably gave herself a mild concusion.
Daryll is only supposed to go home for 3 days, however like me at her age and well into my 20's she's panicking that he won't come back and he'll be with someone new. She's worried he'll cheat on her all the time even when he is here. She won't listen when we try to tell her she's making it worse by yelling and screaming at him everytime he says no to someonething, blocking him from leaving her room and/or house and puting him down. I do try to talk to Daryll when he escapes her and is either in tears or so upset or choked he sits down down here. Like I told him today she's never really dealt with the emotion of fear when she gets the emotion fear she deals with it by changing it to anger and having inappropriate behaviour so you have to try and remember that. They do badly need to learn how to deal w2ith one another when anger comes up cause one of them is going to cause major damage to the other if don't do something now.
So we went to mayfair today, Saw DJ omg GIRLS if you want A GORGEOUS, SWEET, LOVING GUY my son is 17 and GORGEOUS he is finally NICELY FORMING OUT. OMG HE IS HOT! i AM SO PROUD TO BE HIS MOMMY:) He has a winter formal coming up but doesn't have a date for it, may just go with the guys. So if your in his age bracket and you are single or know a sweet gal send her DJ's way. He works at Mayfair, he goes to Spectrum high, he GRADUATES this yea 2009r. His bday is in Feb is a pisces and will be 18. He has come a long long way in his life. He deserves a major award just for being my child. I really really wish we could track down his dad before he graduates. DJ has asked me to try and write his dad 1 more time. If anyone out there could help me get that info for me and we could give it to my son you have no idea how hugely a gift that would be for my son, wouldn't couldn't describe it.
Info I can give that I know about DJ's dad:
Born in Ontario(london ont I think but not sure, but was ont)
BRYAN LAURENCE MILLER
Believe his parents names are: Donald & Mary Miller they reside in North Bay Ontario
Siblings(I'm not 100% sure but I think they are):
Kevin(went to queens university*I think*), Mark, Andrea?
They owned McDonalds(I know they had 1, then I was told 2, and then I heard 3. Last I heard recently they sold them & are now retired)
Parents still live in the same house by Lake nippissing glen drive something like that, it was being renovated when I was visiting there
I believe his bday is July 29/72 (not 100% on that but I am sure that is pretty close if not bang on)
He went to Scollard Hall (sp?) High School, he often wore his jacket from there
He played on the football team from the school
In his room I believe he had a collection of pop cans around his bed for the life of me I cannot remember if it was coke or pepsi I didn't go right into the room just in the hallway
He went to france after grade 12 to do his last year of school june 1990 graduation
I believe he went to the western university of ontario would have been sept 1991
Bryan was a major jock but not into basketball
Chocolate gave him an easy high
Last I heard Bryan may have been residing in Ottawa but I can't say for sure. I also heard he recently got married.
he liked to play minigolf, that was actually our first date and we shared a chocolate shake and chocolate sunday; oddly enough chocolate gets DJ a high as well
DJ has known about Bryan all of his life. Anything & everything I could remember DJ knows about. I believe kids need to be told the truth. It bothers me when kids have like 3-4 and more dad's. You can have other dad figures but your father is your father. PERIOD. They can be an ass or worse but he's still your dad. Same goes for mom. *sigh*
DJ is now the age his father was when we got pregnant with DJ. I've told DJ it was 1 time, that 3teens do stupid things and don't always think things through. I also remind him that he's now 17 almost 18 think about his friends and him and it's not hard to imagine that things sometimes go too far. I know I should have not given in to the nonstop pushing and pushed back and said no out loud not just in my head. That night is so clear in my head I relive it alot I hate it because once it starts I can't stop it I have to finish replaying it and I just cry and throw up. He looks just like his dad right now and getting a bigger chest that's what he was missing he is finally filling out he's so happy and I am so proud. Mary says he's getting fat. NOT NICE MARY!
We're supposed to get snow tomorrow I love snow but not here, BC drivers cannot drive:(
Anyhow am off for now. Hey if you spot any fairies, tell them this single mom would love to shake their wands and remind santa to visit me, yes?/no? maybe? :( and the elves can come clean up here cause Mary and I are in too much pain to be moving much and that truly sucks:( hopefully ultrasound will find the culprit and we can the screwup and then I can be normal again stupid pain and when it shoots holdy crap it shoots like hell!

HEY OJ Congrats on your guilty verdict:):):):)

2008-10-07T16:55:00.001-07:00

Come on now di he even have any chance at all of not coming out of this trial without being guilty? This was like angry sex trial, like I am so gonna get you back you mother.....Everyone wanted him to suffer and he was not gonna screw america twice we all knew it world wide! He could have stolen a lollipop from a baby and gave it back ha in Jail you bastard! If I Did It... Are you kidding me OJ??? Are you really that stupid? You really think writing that book wasn't gonna get you screwed? Your ass is gonna be slammed so bad. You had no chance in the court this time, your name was all the jurors needed to say guilty. You were tried in the court of public opinion it really didn't matter if you killed Nicole or not public opinion says your black ass did it so now your going to jail bye bye OJ hope you enjoyed your freedom while you had it:) The Goldmans finally got you sentenced wow how did that happen huh?I guess you have lots of time to think about that where your going...For the record I was one of the few who actually believed OJ may not have been guilty that the facts may look like he could have doesn't mean the puzzle pieces fit, but that book If I did it that disgusted me

The Games People Play & On To Other Things...

2008-10-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

If this does not completly copy come to my facebook to read the rest at:
facebook my profile is Angela MacRae http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816
You know what I hate? I hate the games others play with others deeper personal emotions. They work on you assuring you can trust them and if that doesn't work, they get you when your vulnerable, say like when your drunk or maybe high on painkillers and are not able to think clearly. Acting like they care and you can trust them. But quickly afterwards you find out it was all a game, like the games you had in highschool. Do you remember how when you and your boyfriend would be so cutsie wootsie and so much more emotional when their friends weren't around but soon as their friends were around they'd be all hey baby like what the hell go find your friends I'm busy right now like get a life whatever...Yeah they just perfect that game as adults. They don't need their friends around to do it. Now with the net you can get dumped even easier you don't even get dumped you look on your profile and suddenly they are not there anymore and your all like wtf? Or you sned them text message and they are all like leave me alone. WTF? Girls do it too, actually some girls can be worse then men. I think it hurts when you have been single a good long while didn't want to lay trust in anyone and some dumb fuck decides to take it as a challenge only to say ha I win dudes she's used goods now. Like why do guys do that shit why do they enjoy causing that kind of pain? I honestly don't think I have ever done that and I would never do that. All of my relationships have been long term and I believe I truly loved each of them deeply. I care about peoples feelings and If I hurt them it leaves me feeling shitty unless I hurt them verbally which I know was always done out of pain as I have always done so out of my pain of being attacked about me, my kids or those I love. I do try to get away from the situation now before I say something I regret.
I have to say I don't regret anyone I have been with I may not like the way it happened or the way it ended but something in me cared for them at the time. I have to say the most recent makes me laugh another Mike I think I need to keep away from Mikes they all end badly not like horrible badly just badly in different ways. A few of us think this recent Mike may not have been telling the whole truth about his situation. My daughter thinks I should tell his friends and write it on his wall and just completely out him. but no I'm fine with it. Everything happens for a reason, although I can be vengeful just really don't care I feel karma has him marked anyhow. Funny my daughter reminds me so much of the old me I hate it. Bothers me alot, I keep wishing she would take what I learned and that I changed and go with that but instead she is repeating my old behaviour and when I talk to her about it she says how does it feel to watch it happening like I did? Like a punch in the gut. I just tell her don't do it for the many years I did. What bothers me too is I spent time one night talking to her bf and she was mad when she finally came home, she told me she is not a little girl anymore that I can't fix everything. I wanted to cry. I want to help, I want to fix, it's hard just to listen o her and her bf work it out alone. I always thought when my kids were teens it would be so much fun, however my son he has actually said sometimes you need a stern parent not a friend. That's hard. I had hardass dad really hardass military hardass and I don't want to be like that. Teens are very hard to raise. I keep thinking my 2 oldest are almost adults. My psychiatrist has said I am already going through empty-nest syndrome. Everytime they talk about moving out on their own I just cry and panic I feel like their leaving me. I know it's inevitable. But it's hard for me to deal with.

UPDATE: I HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE MIKE WAS A MAN HE STOOD UP HE TOOK WHAT HE DID AND HE ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED! So apparently there is guys out there who even though can do lousy acts can still be sweet but confused. Things happened that just went too fast and I think both of us got hurt or at the very least confused. I have to say thankyou Mike for apologizing and standing up and being honest although it took some words and a little ache it means the world to me that my trust was not misguided in the end you stood up to some big things that most wouldn't that will always mean alot to me. I'm glad we can remain friends, I only wish more men were like you *hugs*

So I swear to God lately service seems to be bad everywhere we go lately. We went to thrifty foods at admirals walk a few days ago and we wanted 3 egg sandwhiches and they said they were just finishing making it up. So we went and got drinks and came back. They were acting very confused. Eventually they figured out where the egg mix was and then where the bread was. Then omg were all confused about items to put on the sandwhiches got them all wrong, but we were in a hurry and weren't in the mood to try and get them to do it right. We were so frustrated. Just grabbed them and went to pay for them. Must have been a bad day cause there too we had issues with the lady at the till. A customer was trying to find out if there was money on her gift cards so she could reload them and the lady at the till looked like could not figure out what she wanted and finally figured out how to check them then was unsure how to reload them, finally she got it done and we were rung through we were in there entirely way too long!

I'm on the lookout for more victoria frances posters. I totally love her work. It would be awesome if the clothes that she puts on the ladies in her work were buyable. I love the dresses I would love to wear them. One thing people do notice when they come to my place is my love of vampires but they don't realize yes I love vampires but if you look at all the posters although their vampires they are victoria frances.

If you are a pet owner cat or dog buy them GREENIES I have no idea what the hell is in these treat but my cats go crazy for the chicken ones. I am not kidding, there is something about these treats that drives them crazy. My cat CASPER when I got a trial treat for them came down stairs into the livingroom climbed up onto the table and right to the GREENIES. My cats have only ever done something like that with catnip. For dogs they even have cookies.. For a free sample go to http://www.greenies.com they even have ones you can put their pills in if they have to take medication. I never have advocated anything for animals before but these treats are amazing and they help clean their teeth.

So we've been trying those thinsations we like the oreo ones the best and there is lots the commercial is not kidding when they say there is lots, there certainly are. I also like the peek freans shortcake ones.
I also love the Quaker granola crunchers the chocolate flavour only 90 calouries for a package. we've tried the Quaker Crispy delights also 90 calories a pkg chocolaty drizzle & vanilla drizzle we didn't like either they tasted like styrofoam
We always have the lean quisine lasagna we love although when they changed it up we were not impressed but go5t used to it. Lately we tried Stouffer's lasagna and metballs didn't go over so well. However we tried Roast turkey OMFG it was actually way beyond what we expected, so we bought the big version-SO NOT WORTH IT. all it add is green beans and YUCKO they went in the garbage, we won't be buying the large version again!
Mary tried the new OhHenry cookies and didn't take more than 2 bites she thought they were disgusting.
I recently found Tropical Orange Smoothie Flavour Bacardi Breezer OMG it is so good if you like orange creamsicles you would love this it's like mega awesome:)
My new laundry soap is Gain Soothing Sensations Lavender Lilac Moment Goes really well with my Bounce Lavender febreeze OMG when I washed my bedding in it for the first time, I could smell it soon as I walked in my room. I LOVE LAVENDER! I love Lilacs as well. Mary says she is sick of lavendar I buy Febreeze in as many products as I can because they now have it in lavender. The products I use because of the lavender febreeze contained in it is: Mr.Clean magic eraser, Mr. clean cleaner, febreeze spray, bounce, swiffer. I would like to see it in dishsoap. I would love Lavender products for body and hair that are straight strong lavender, body spray as well. It is a natural relaxant for me:)

We bought the stick up bulb it runs on batteries, mine did not work. Mary's is already dead. It comes with 2 tiny bulbs. My suggestion would be don't buy it!

Also scrubbing bulbs recently came out with that device to pop a sticker in your toilet to clean your toilet everyday and to never have to throw it out it just fades away on it's own. Yeah ok. We bought it. It's not a stick it's goo, seriously goo. Trying to think how to compare it, kinda like slime a thick sline. It all sits in this plastic tube for just over $4. You move the thing up kinda like a syringe so it alots the first part of the goo and the goo sits in your toilet. It's green goo. It's about the size of a canadian twoonie. We haven't seen it clean shit. So it's lookin so far like it's $4 to have goo dissolve in our toilet:)

Mary was having mega pain in her right side, we took her to the clinic and they immedietly sent her to the hospital. The nurse told her they would run blood tests get her on an IV. However once the dr came he was really nasty to her, very dismissive. He didn't seem to give two shits about her. Sent her home telling her that it's probably a cyst that is rupturing in her ovary and to take some tylenol and deal with it. Oh I was pissed, but he wasn't listening to me either. Damn it I hate some dr's. She should of at least had an ultrasound to make sure that's what it was!

I saw my dr a few days ago she is running more blood tests she cannot figure out what is going on with me and if the blood tests come back inconclusive again she sending me to an internist. I am not sure what an internist does but if they can figure out what the hell is going on I guess that's what I have to do. I am so tired of going to dr's though:( My dr is like why can't you have something simple wrong. I was like I know I hate it. I just want someone anyone to figure this shit out. I am so tired of passing out for no reason and eating salt to hell and the pain in my muscles and joints is getting more and more unbearable at times. She's doing a test on my calcium level. I told her whatever I drink so much milk it's not funny I can drink 4 litres in 2 days sometimes 1 day and she said that does not mean my body is taking it in. Are you serious?

Oh this is funny: These two guys were parked at the lights down by mayfair mall and all of a sudden this guy threw a fresh cigarette out his window and his friend is yelling and I tell my kid pick it up she won't tell her friend to pick up she doesn't so I go pick it up and throw it back in the trusk *lmfao* The guy had udder shock on his face and didn't know what the hell just happened and everyone is laughing. I had to run and catch the bus and he threw it back out the window lol~so bud if your out there or any of your friends I'm the crazy bitch who threw the cigarette back into the truck lol on douglas street at the lights by mayfair mall.

Another thing I told my daughter I would blog about We were on the bus coming home, both of us had alot of bags to carry so she was on one seat with all her bags and I sat behind her with all my bags. Then some fricken lady got on and she told Mary to move she was sitting there. I couldn't believe Mary listened that was one time that lady was in the wrong there were a bunch of seats open there was so no need to be fricken runde. What the hell is wrong with people?

I love this new show the dr's. I just heard in the state of alabama you have to pay an extra 35 dollars on your insurance if you are overweight a year. That is discriminatory. I think that is a crock if you ask me.

So my house is a little busy right now, Mary's BF is living here until he gets into youth housing. His sister & Mary's friend Maryiln is also here for a couple of weeks until she moves to be with her parents in Port. Her BF has been spending some time here Russell he's a good kid very easy to get along with makes me laugh. I guess he'll be 17 this week. His brother Clarence is up visiting for a few days 18 I believe.
DJ got a job throwing Whak a Ball at the mall I bought 3 egg balls. I believe he is also doing a volunteer job, been attending pre grad parties already and keeping up with school. I'm a little worried he's going to get burnt out. Doing too much. I want this year to be as much fun as possible grad year so much stuff he can get involved with, but I don't want him to do so much he burns out. He's already gotten sick, he only seems to get sick when he overdoes things, so...

I talked to the kids grandma today cause I am PISSED their trying to get Sarah diagnosed as ADHD she does not have any of the AD.... She's been tested I told them she didn't have the pediatrician agreed with me. She has no short term memory which can mock some behaviours, but she's not AD.... I swear to God I am getting tired of Heidi trying to make Sarah be sick, Sarah is a very healthy child. Slow because of he developmental disabilities, her short term memory loss, anemia but otherwise nothing else is wrong with her, GOD IT IS MAKING ME SO ANGRY!! Breathe breathe breathe....

Ok I am going to go now that I am wound up...

Maybe A New beginning? Writing About Binging..

2008-09-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

Here I float between the present and the past. somewhere between darkness and light. Is that light ahead or another path of torture disguised as delight? Why do I hold onto the pain so much easier than the happiest times? I have really worked through the last train wreck, i know it wasn't me, I mean there was part of me I stayed I chose to let it go one but I did finally find the courage within to say no more get out. I have never regretted it. The kids really are better for it. But no one forgets 4 yrs of your life. Like I told him recently I don't hate him I hate the sick crap he did! So anyhow..
...Lately I somehow found myself on another path and out of the blue I found giggles and laughter. I found intriguement I thought I had lost. What could this mean? I am trying not to get excited, I always get let down when I get excited. But my whole self being is being reawoken and I don't know I thought I was ready before but Suddenly I think nope NOW I REALLY AM READY.
So it's kinda scary cause uhm parts of me are waking up I forgot I had lol. Part of me wants to shut back down. It's kinda that fight or flight response.
I had an RNY and I wrote something the other day. I would like to write here, actually try to remember it here:
There you are my friend, the friend who is always there for my scary moments, my upset moments, my really happy moments. No one can do what you do. Oh you small so good and the textures you provide are so wonderful. Pure aromatherapy. I can cry and share you with me and no one will laugh or tell me to deal with it. what you bring to me can not be matched by anything else. No one has to know. Behind those closed doors it's just us. As I swallow another bag of chips and the milk goes down so well. Another jos luis oh yes. *tears* you are my true friends you never let me down. Oh the salty fries the glide down so well. Oh I am feeling so fat right now, oh here it comes porcelin bowl my other friend we're on our way and up it comes over and over, the sweats, the rapid heartbeat the tears, sometimes even passing out right there. Make sure that toothbrush is right there to help that last bit come up. Until the next binge my friends.... This was my life until I had the RNY and was actually hosptal while pregnant with my 3rd child as i managed to loose 60lbs doing this, I was angry as they weighed me everyday. I have to admit I have done it a few times since my rny but I get dumping with my rny and when I have binged it makes me sick almost right away so a binge to me wouldn't really count to most people but I feel still shameful!
unfortunately my parents made food a huge issue for us and I think about food 24/7 and thus it's dribbled down to my kids. My oldest he thinks about food but I think he's pretty healthy, my middle child is too skinny she is trying to ain lbs with protien and my youngest hoardes food , I worry about her alot.
My dad used to tell me I was going to look like my mom the whole time I grew up. It deeply affected me.

So anyhow yeah life is kinda changing for me right now, I think I might be moving towards something that could be making me happy:)<

What's In Your Heart & Why Aren't I Running?

2008-09-15T14:23:00.001-07:00

Imagine for a moment that your heart was like a big locket that I could snap open and look into, now imagine I took it and looked inside what would I find within your locked walls?
Would I find feathers and rainbows, a place that is like a window opened up waiting for a soul to share what's in their heart to make both complete? Soft music that lulled you both towards one another and as I closed the locket we are one within it dancing like we were always meant to be?
Or would I find a darkened heart that has brinck walls, a dark path filled with lightening storms and rain that led me down a darkned forest that could lead me to a dead end and a place I could drown in?
Maybe it's that heart that at first looks warm and fuzzy but then a wild animal comes out from no where and attacks me and I barely crawl out from the locket taking all I have to close it up.
dare I try to look into each locked heart? I have looked into some dark places before what if the next one burns me alive? What's in your locked up heart? Your heart looks shiny and sweet on the outside dare I believe it is a show of what's to come on the inside? Dare I peek on the inside? My head is rushing, my fingers trembling, you have stepped into the ring, you have my intrigue. You have got this scorpio intrigued. My eyes are huge and my stinger is ready to sting, Like an unsure cat just before another strikes it I am there... dare I get closer dare I try. So many thoughts run through my head. Part of me wants to turn and run, so why aren't I? what is it about you that has my attention and what is it about you that is keeping me here? You already make me smile, you make me laugh, and that special feeling could be a ploy, I should run, so why aren't? What's in your locked heart? caution I must use caution...

A Butterfly awaits Her Knight...

2008-09-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

if i looked into your eyes would you look away or would hold my stare? If I touched your skin would you pull me close or kindly pull away? If I leaned in for a kiss, would you refuse it or leanin deep like you'd been waiting for it too? Are you a lonely heart who's scared to find love because it could hurt you, but you also want love because you know it feels so good to have someone close to be with and share life things together with? Are you someone loves someone based on the reue you and not what they carry with them. You love for reasons like they make you laugh, make you weak, , makes you feel things no one else does? Are you strong enough to make a fearful and cautious me come out of her cacoon and be the butterfly that lives within it? Knowing once you do the effort you put in will come back to you in emotion will come back tenfold, so again I ask, If I looked into your eyes would you hold my stare? Do you have the strength to get me out of my caccoon...

Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover...

2008-08-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes imagine me by your side. I can feel your breathe on my skin, your hands as they rub my shoulders and move down my back, something magical is happening. How do I stop this feeling, your getting me flushed. I turn and our eyes meet I can't stop it our lips meet omg you make me melt. I haven't been to this place for such a long time. I'm not sure I remember where this place leads to. I am not sure I can stop, I'm not sure I want to. Your hands touch my skin and a fire begins to burn on my skin. I touch your skin and the look in your eyes is soft and yet a touch of fire within your pupils. I can see myself in your eyes and I begin to remember what this used to feel like. I tiny shiver runs up my spine as I feel your fingertip trace up the small of my back. do I dare go further from this place? I feed off the hunger you make so obvious, the scent of your cologne teases my scences and only pulls me closer to you. Something I've gone so long without sems like yesterday with you here tonight. Our shirts fall to the floor and I smile as we fall onto the bed, any nerves I had you've shattered, tonight I wish I was your lover, tonight we will become lovers as our skin burns into one another, as our hands entangle and we become one wild animals leaving all inhibitions on the floor. Yesterdays fears and tears are forgotten and gone, as you tear deeply within me, as I scream out your name and our breath becomes deep and in sync, damn I wish I was lover, and tonight I will be, leaving all inhibitions on the floor...

Bring Back firertalk

2008-08-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

years ago I used to be on a program online called FIRETALK. A program I just couldn't have imagined not ever coming into. You talk live and in person as a group of people in a room. Now I know there is other programs that try to be like it but none have ever come close to the way it was on firetalk. I made some awesome friends, real life friends. We laughed together, cried together, and grew together. I think we were like family and many of us still talk and see one another today. But the reality is we still lost some of them. I really believe the feelings and emotions in there were real time and true. No we didn't always get along hello it was real life yes we fought too but that how people who love one another are. Somehow we all always worked things out. Some fell in love, some fell out of love. Some became tighter than others but we were all family knit. We want that back, God knows I want that back. I actually grew to really trust these people I could be myself. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't, and online that is huge these days cause too many people are something their not. I refuse to be something I am not. take the good with the bad or don't take me at all that's how it all comes. Trust me firetalk could be an application you could truly benifit from. If you agree it would be great if you would sign the petition to help us try to get it back, and pass it along....Bringing Back Firetalk http://www.petitiononline.com/Firetalk/petition.html
Let me know your backing me up so that if it does come back you and I will hook up on there ok? *hugs*

I Love Corey Haim Baggage & All, & About Corey feldman

2008-08-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

Feldman the thing I am upset about is Feldman going on about how fat he thinks he is. Then goes and has liposuction. That's gotta be putting out good vibes to men and women out there right? suzie thought he looked good, I know his admirers did. His mom was pretty hard on him, God he grew up in a hard home. I'm surprised how well rounded he turned out after hearing out how life growing up was. Corey F. you were fine the way you were and I am sorry you grew up with a mother making you feel low about your looks but you should not feed into her streotypying with such a huge following you are doin the smae to your followers showing them that even your body is not good enough for TV let alone yourself. I hope your happy with your surgery but you did not need it!

Corey Haim I have loved him since he was in lost boys and all his other movies. When he recently admitted he has been a cutter I was like wow he and I have so many things in common. I cry sometimes in the past few episodes of the two Coreys I can see how frustrated he is. I know what it is like to self destruct. You just get that fear and you blow it ithought consciously knowing. I do think he definetly has some chemical problem in the brain like I have bipolar and he does need his meds but sometimes it's hard to not want to just wanna shut things out. I have never take street drugs to do that but I have been at points where I took too many pills just to shut things up in my head. drinking too. I have sedatives that shut everything down at night or I'd be awake at night. seeing nelle cry that was hard but I know she is having a hard time confronting corey H.
I seriously really hope that Corey Haim doesn't crash and burn any further than he already has. I freaked when I heard about the car accident. Wow the world would loose a really special man if we lost him, I am seriously concerned for him and think about him alot, he is in my prayers and thoughts. I am glad the accident was able to be of small measures and no one was hurt let's pray there are no more accidents. We are out here Corey Haim we love you:)

Chef Ramsey

2008-08-16T09:44:00.001-07:00

Don't ask me why but I was just sitting here and was thinking what would it be like for a woman to be in in Chef ramsey's life? can you imagine it? Every second word the man uses is fuck. I rather like the show Kitchen nightmares, he'd probably eat me for breakfast lunch and dinner. He'd probably have me crying in about 2.3 secons or less. No way I can watch Hell's Kitchen he chews them out and reeats them so he can spit them out again. I don't know how they get through the abuse. I think to watch Hells Kitchen you have to not have been abused in your lifetime or enjoy abusing or watching abuse of others seriously! Cause me I break down for them I just can't do it, he is one of the harshest men I have ever seen on TV.
Then my mind started to think about some of his softer moments. Some of you are like say what? lol no seriously if you watch his shows you have to have seen when it has come down to health and family ect he actually comes down to earth and is realistic and kind. I think he truly does have a very soft side, he just doesn't show it very often on TV and I think that's how the producers want it to be.
I think I would love to meet him but not for anything more than to just meet him the real him. I am second generation canadian my grandmother is from englad and I don't like the way the english are coming off in alot of the tv shows over the past couple years. My family are not like these judges and stuff and I think that needs to be fixed. Anyhow wierd that I was thinking about him but there ya go.

I don't know whether to be Upset or Pissed

2008-07-11T17:40:00.000-07:00

So my dr was in the clinic today unfortunately I missed her and got Dr.Partridge who #1 refused to give me my iron shot, he doesn't do those shots because they could kill you and if my dr wants to kill me she could go at it. omg I was ready to cry and told him then get a dr who will he totally refused!
#2 He refused to give me my normal medication which i totally need and have been tking for god knows how long, told me to get the pharmasy to fax them which my own dr has already told me NOT TO FUCKIN DO! He had my chart right there but ddn't know what my meds were wtf? So getting my flexoral for my back and aching muscles do you even think for a moment I would get that? I've been shaking for over an hour I am so upset.
I have never felt so frustrated and upset with a dr in my life! I am leaving to ottawa pretty quick and I somehow have to get back there again & not get him! How did he get his PHD?

Cats Need Miracles Too/In Darkness

2008-04-01T21:43:00.000-07:00

So last night I figured out why Storm is really clinging to me and whiney. As he tried to sit and eat his food I noticed the lump I thought I felt is actually alot bigger than I thought and so swollen he can't sit comfortably, he was very fidgetty while he tried to eat. It had to be his bad leg he already can't tuck it under him now he can barely sit it hurts. It's killing me. Storm is like a child to me, only he really does love me unconditionally.If something were to happen to him I would die inside I love him so much. He has an appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm my dad has agreed to take me thank God. Now I need to find some funding. I made some calls but all I got was machines. Their not killing my cat, I won't let them, I can't *tears* God I even emailed Phil how bad is that? I doubt I will hear from him though. I wish animals had medical just like us humans. I think they should. Storm has been through so much and he's come through alot I'm not going to loose him now, not now! You know you look into those eyes and they can't talk but you can almost hear the words, *tears* I love my Storm!

Mary had a doctors appointment today I didn't but my mom she got on my case, made me get my iron shot, grrr I hate getting those stupid shots. She's on my case to get my blood tests done too. I can't remember the last time I have seen my mother so concerned about my health, I guess that speaks volumes about how bad it's really gotten. I know when I went to walmart with her the other day I was just about gonna faint but sat before I did. She didn't like that but at least I sat before sometimes I don't even get to catch myself. I've been eating alot of regular chips lately not because I want chips but because I want salt. If I make food I pour a ton of salt on it. I don't think I have ever craved salt to this capacity in my life. I hate to see what level my iron is at! Usually I use only the bare minimal of salt it's crazy.About Mary's appointment it didn't go as planned, we're gonna try for another full checkup in a month, we'll see. Not real sure I mean she was super freaked out, just real freaked out cryin and shit. There are some points that happen in parenting when you get to them & your kid responds unlike you expected and you know it's detrimental they see it differently but trying to make them see it that way makes them look like your handing them over to wolves it breaks your heart & you just want to protect them. I mean I stroked her hair and wiped away her tears and inside I was struggling like God she needs to do this but she is just looking so traumatized I want to protect, how do I do both? In the end it didn't happen and she became much calmer. We discussed it with her the dr and I and we will keep trying till she is comfortable.

Holy fuck I'm having another crying fit, what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching Big Brother 9. OK I admit it I yell at the TV. I am upset for James he is in there all by himself I think and I feel sad for him. I think James is alot like me I think he'd be cool to hang with. He's not some fucked up 2 faced superfical asshole! There needs to be more people like him in this world. Him going after Shiela I yelled with him lol and I started to cry I thought he was gonna cry too.I am sick of Shiela and her crap. I am glad he let out some steam he has not been himself since Chelsia left. Is there any way to contact the players after the show is over cause serious James really he just seems to really care about people & I would love to be able to tell him that he has impacted my life for the good. Evel Dick too another man who has a great heart he taught me alot about the bond between a father and a daughter. Mary keeps saying spiteful things about her dad and I hate it. She says he won't be at her wedding I told her there has to be, she said over her dead body, that hurts me. He's her dad, he may not be the best dad but he's her dad I wish they would both make more of an effort. It just huurts so much. I raised my girls to love their dad, I called him on holidays ect. His parents bought the cards and gifts. He saw them a couple times a yr. The girls say he talks smack about me & they hate it. Whatever he is still their dad and I want them to love their dad period! DJ too. He was raised since day 1 knowing about his father Bryan Miller from North Bay Ontario. He has always known of him, have told him all the info on his dad I have. When I learn more I tell him. What we really want is a picture even better pictures of his dad. It's something Mary has held over his head that they've seen their dad and he never has such bullcrap!
muahahahahahaha James won POV SUCKA'S SUCK ON THAT! I totally think he has good karma workin in his corner

I got Mary another lamb today. She was so worked up & upset from her appointment & went into the store to pick up a few groceries. I saw this cutest lamb with a pink bathrobe on it so I bought it for her. She loved it. I got her one for easter too it is her hugest one almost as big as her. I have been collecting lambs for her since she born. The biggest thing I haven't been able to find is upsetting to me is a comforter with a lamb on it. I would love to find a pink or purple comfoter with a lamb on it and the trim to have lambs across it. Would love to have pillow shams and cutains to match but apparently that is never going to happen:( I'm sure eventually I will find a lamb light. I look in the bay stres and isles as well. Eventually I'll find the plaque with the poem of Mary had a little lamb to hang up in her room. It's funny cause her step mom got on board and got her a lamb at christmas and it's the one from Avon it smells really pretty tranquility, now I want one lol:)

Sarah I buy her soccer everything. Having that collection I have learned if you see it buy it right then because it will be gone if you go back for it later. That is a hella popular collection. She also collects hats, so does my dad. My mom has always collected spoons and porcelin dolls, my brother elephants, my sisters snowmen, pennants, clowns(eww), porcelain masks, my neice collects bells, DJ likes dragons, I collect wish boxes, mystical things, victoria francis work, shrek toys, pushback buttons & pins(since grade3 from all over the world, if you would like to send some let me know any kind is good), talking t-shirts, piglet stuff, I like other pink pig stuff too:), black and white cameos.
Crap I am starting to burn up again. I seem to be going through burning up and chills last few days not sure why but rest of me feels fine so it's probably nuthin. Anyhow off for now...
In Darkness...
Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shadows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn't breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn't know where I was. Shdows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn't know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I'm worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day passes I stop tracking time. no one even passes I stop tracking time. o one even knows I'm gone, everyone was gone before I was gone. I think as I lay under the tree and watch the dark water I somehow was loosing everyone I was close to. No one ever called, or came over or called. I had lost my friends and I didn't know why, the darkness I felt right then was the picture of what I already felt inside. Tears burned hotly down my face, I was getting weaker, not much longer I thought will anyone notice I'm gone. Will anyone ever find me, will anyone even care? I didn't know why I was so bad but as I took my last breathes I wrote in the sand, I'm sorry for whatever I did, & know my friends my loved ones today as I take my last breathe I love you, thankyou for impacting my life, see you on the other side...

Grandmothers

2008-02-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

GRANDMA'S: MY THOUGHTS
By: Angela MacRae
Remembering the days when you had grandmas soft hands hold yours? That even with those soft tender hands you felt lit up and safe inside. There's something about a grandma that touches us deeper than other family. How they keep a family tradition going, family getogethers are synonomous with grandmas house. Grandmas homemade cooking, sewing and knitting. The wonderful stories they tell us of our parents youth, as well as their own. My generation is not keeping up with many of those things and I often think about how my grandchildren will be affected by that. Grandmas have that soft flowery smell that just makes you want to cuddle with them for long periods of time. As you look upon their slowly withering and soft wrinkling ("laugh lines" my grandma once told me) on their face you melt. No one on earth can make you feel what a grandmother makes you feel. It's like once your a grandmother you begin to grow your angel wings. To see pain in their eyes brings tears to yours and you would give your everything to see that look taken away from her. So when grandmothers slip away into darkness, when they see you; but no longer know you, you know that pain is deep. I have 2 grandmothers in which darkness has come to take them away. This darkness called alzheimers is taking my grandmothers away. One's in a home, another on the way. It's hard seeing my grandmother so beautiful a person, so happy. She looks at me and I look at her searching, hoping somewhere she sees me. My heart is screaming out-WHY? Why can't you remember me?Why are you here in body and not in mind?I won't cry-must hold back tears grandma wouldn't understand would only add confusion. If only I could make 3 wishes, I'd bring you back to me My sweet, loving, hilarious, honest, inspirational grandmother...

I DON'T WANT TO CRY
I don't want to cry, especially over you
I don't want to cry, I'm long done & through with you
I don't want to cry, you don't deserve my tears
I don't want to cry, You've already wasted so much of my years
I don't want to cry, yet I cry and cry and cry
I don't want to cry, for all you ever were was a lie
I don't want to cry, but I'm afraid that's not the case
I don't want to cry, these tears burn down my face
I don't want to cry, I need a brand new start
I don't want to cry, it's time to heal this heart
I don't want to cry, I'll wish on a star tonight
I don't want to cry, someone new will come to me I'm done with you I've finally saw the light!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816

So That Didn' Constitute The Police?

2007-07-04T01:25:00.000-07:00

Okay so today(I haven't been to bed yet) But July 3rd I was in downtown Victoria BC after an appointment.On the intersection of Douglas and Johnston Street close to 4pm a young man it would appear had some kinda of huge breakdown. Out of nowhere he began just freaking right out. He first started to yell and jump on his backback which got people's attention sure enugh. But then he decided that whatever had him pissed should get the drivers invoved, he began to unpack his backpack and throw all the items from it onto the road into the intersection, just hurled them. Everyone just stood around and watched. Calling 911 guess what their response was? Well we're kinda busy down here maybe some nice citizens will take it upon themselves to pick up his stuff off the road. Too busy? leave it to our citizens? Holy crap woman. Whatever...
I did after he left and had picked up maybe a couple papers and left everything else including his backpack behind, decide to try and clear the road of some of his stuff. Some fricken lady came up to me like I was fuckin crazy and asked if I needed some help with something.
I turned to her and said I am taking it upon myself to try and get some of this crap off the roads that some pisshead left on the road. Maybe not in those words but grr that pissed me off. What the hell is wrong with people? I did take pics.
On June 30th at Tillicum mall when we came out from Silver City we also ran into 3 fire trucks I believe being there. Apparently there was a small brushfire. Apparently there is forever being brushfires there.Oh to Joy....

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-07-02T21:30:00.001-07:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Mega Catchup

2007-07-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

60mins show has me wondering what is ur side on this pill?
11:11pm Monday, Jun 18
On 60 minutes The Memory Pill produced by Shari Finkelstein has me wondering what your morals have you saying about the debate in this new pill some people want to put on the market. My side is yes yes yes.I would take it I would so take it if it would end my PTSD. I would so let my kids take it. It is short term it is such a great break in medical tests I just think more tests need to be allowed to happen. This pill needs a chance in this world today.The pill is called PROCLANILOL I may have spelt it wrong but pretty sure it's spelt right. How it is explained is that this tests has showed that it can stop memories from forming into long term traumatic events. Apparently it has been shown in tests in rats that adreniline rushes to our forefronts and is what makes our memories because stronger and more active when a traumatic event happens. When the rats were shot with this med it stopped the adreniline and the memories were cut off. In human tests short term tests showed they worked as well. Later they did tests on some people who have had long term Post traumatic stress disorder and in at least one case her memories were no longer traumatic and destroying her life like they were before. This was not just with the medication but with suggestions and a movie ect. You really should watch the documentary to get the whole gist of it. However when they wanted to do long term tests apparently the FDA pulled it and said no.Some people say memories are what make us who we are. That this drug could become abused and overused. If a guy has a bad date and makes an ass of himself well hell I will just take a pill. Or a girl dumps you and it hurts real bad just take a pill. This is the other side of the fight keeping the drug from being used. I say this happens with many medications in today that are used. This is always a possibilty this is the caution of doctors. It does not erase the memory, you still have it, just not the pain that comes with it. You can go on and leave a productive happier life than you may have before use with this medication. So what's your view. Curiousity lets me ask you the question yes or no and why?
Being A Black Sheep & Other Thoughts...
6:43pm Saturday, Jun 23
I have not being well lately so not been blogging. Anything I have written is on here, but no worries, I will copy and past to my other journals all these past entries when I am back to par if that ever happens; and when my dad brings me finally a new computer. I just wanted to mention how right now I am thinking about how other people deal with being a black sheep #1- in their plutonic family, #2- external family, and #3- people in life. Growing up I always felt of the 3 kids my brother and I were both black sheep. However I felt darker than he for I was always blamed for him being a dark sheep. Somehow how he was a reflection of me as an older sibling, not a reflection of my parents. I still hold that pain with me today and can't let it go. However my siblings seem to have easily let go of the pains and darkness in our childhoods. Now we are all adults and somehow as one sibling now is a workaholic and lifes will is all about money and the other has suffered pains no one should go through now makes them both pure sheep and I a disappointment to them and to the world. I guess in someways I am a disappointment to myself. No one grows up wishing for disabilities and mental disorders. Those make me somewhat less. However I am extremely outspoken. I do not belief my lifespan will be very long. I believe I have suffered more than one should. I kept strong friends because I wasn't. Somehow over time I learned to speak my mind. I learned to stop being quiet cause I had had enough of hiding behind my friends. If you have dirty laundry too damn bad, maybe you should have thought about those actions before you took them. When did it become okay for anyone to tell anyone they needed to learn their place? When did it become okay for anyone to scream in someones face? Did it suddenly become okay to hide the fact that you feel afraid sometimes when your being yelled at? The whole fricken world knows I am so not a puritan. I was a teen mom. I have always been jealous, and an emotional wreak. Those close to me know I HATE CLEANING! I have no issue with admitting I like to be lazy, thing is maybe that caught up with me, because now I have osteoarthritis in my spine, now it hurts to lift, it hurts to be overly physical, it hurts to go out for hours, it hurts to hike. I love to hike, I love to camp. When I was young I swam, was in the jogging club, jazz dancing, I walked all the damn time till in my 20's when I was so overweight I couldn't. Which I did something about. Ya know? I don't know why I am the way I am but I am. I hate being so sick. Who gets this sick? It's ridiculous and I always laugh and say the devil doesn't want me and neither does God, so I am just gonna suffer with every medical disorder. Lucky me!!!I won't hide things I know, I won't shut up. Threaten me go right ahead I will still write about it. I will also write your threat. I am done with people thinking they can walk on me. Nope journals are awesome, it helps me think to myself, it helps me talk and get answers I can't maybe sometimes come up with on my own. If you think that makes me evil screw you! Secrets are something I grew up with. I try very hard to have my kids not do the same. Because no one needs that in their life! Secrets are bad, they make you sick and they will hurt you! They say my sign is the sign of sex and death. I used to be someone who was hugely sexual being sick pretty much has killed that part of me for the moment but death, I think about it alot. I never thought being sick like this was going to come to my adult life. Not with how active I was when younger:( Oh and as for me being spiteful. When I was with Michael when he hit I used to break his stuff, throw dishes, glasses ect. We were both so out of control. Calling nonstop, walking for hours to get to his place. I think now looking back we both were bad to one another. Doug, I was more spiteful with him in the way of putting up a website about him, leaving ,essages galore. He actually taught me how to relax my ass. Even told me himself that me over everyone had changed more than anyone he knew hands down. I no longer yelled or anything, between him and my youngest I went to the other side. Silence. When I can't keep it together anymore. I shut right down. I journal shit you say? I journal what I feel and how I experienced an experience, but people need to realize that it is how I FELT about it. The other side can see it differently and I have always said that. Anyhow whatever, maybe...
(Dermatillomania/CSP), OCD, Self Mutilation, and Skin Picking
7:00pm Sunday, Jun 24
My OCD tendencies lately seem to be at an all time high. I hate it. I wish people could have it for a day and understand what it is like to do something and even when made contious of it can't stop it. I have done skin picking for all my life. I have also done alot of self mutilation, but have through therapy gotten better with at least the cutting issues. They say OCD is also related to Terrets syndrome. I do it more when I am feeling, stressed, out of control, hurt ect. I also have an aversion to using certain utensils and dishes but can't explain why, I just can't use them it makes me want to throw up. I also save EVERYTHING! I have had so many fights with my mom, and guys in my life over saving everything and them throwing shit out. I get panicked that if I throw something out I will end up needing it or wanting it and then what? When everything is neat too I struggle more to find things, makes no sense to anyone else but it does to me. It's a daily struggle.My mom, my neice and I all have the skin picking issue. My kids have all done it but seem to have learned how to control it. One is a little less controlled than the other two and I think will always have that tendency now. My therapist had put me on celexa which I still take hoping it would calm my OCD down but it hasn't. I have not yet heard of a drug that can cure OCD. That would be so great if there were cause I hate it. I hate if I don't do it I panic, I feel sick, I feel shaky. It is a soother for me. Can't explain it, don't really understand it myself but it really does feel lonely. I think more studies and tests need to be done with people who have OCD. I would easily participate in a study, if it would stop it altogether. It would be such a freedom. Anyhow that is my rant for today. As you might well guess from reading this I am more violent to myself than to others. I am mouthy and bitchy to others, but when it comes down to physical altercations I would rather do it to myself!!! So there ya go!http://www.trich.org/AllJoinHands/HowToHandsDownAThon.htmhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickaderms http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Pickers/http://grossbart.com/picking.htmlhttp://www.psyke.org/http://facepick.tripod.com/ www.ocfoundation.org
Pissed & Frustrated With Getting FIFA U20 Tickets...
11:43am Wednesday, Jun 27
So Sarah and Phil's sister were bought tickets to go to see the FIFA U20 soccer games here in Victoria. I wanted Phil to be responsible for it because it was dealing with his family and involved being a gift for his sister. He didn't like it but did go put the payment on it. We were able to get them through the club Sarah is in. However we had to get these vouchers until the tickets came in. Lately we been on pins and needles waiting for the tickets to come in. Well I get an email today saying the pick up date was yesterday. I call Phil and he didn't know anything about it said he got no email about it. So I give him a number to call that was not on the email hoping this lady could help us track the ticket bearers down. Then I go to his email he got the email about tickets not on the 25th like me but on the 23rd!!! OMG I lost it. It says on his it is the ONLY pick up date. Has a different lady's name. So I emailed who I could and am now waiting for responses. Gave him numbers and he is waiting. I sent them our numbers but have appointments today. Phil says see you should have dealt with it. OMG I am ready to fucking scream. We better get those tickets because one little girl is going to be balling her eyes out if she can't go it is all she has talked about. She was upset we weren't gonna get the vouvhers into tickets. I don't want to see her heart broken....
We got the tickets, Phil's my Hero:)
12:42pm Thursday, Jun 28
He was determined as hell to get our tickets despite that we missed the pick up date and trust me when Phil is determined you don't want to get in his way. He's my hero. The tickets are in our hot little hand. My kid is happy and all is well whoo hoo
So Confused
1:22pm Today
I can feel the emotions and I believe they are real, but once burned how do you go beyond that. Do you try to trust again? Scared and unsure. What do I do?
Thoughts I Need To Write...
6:31pm Today
Having running thoughts right now, so need to write...It's canada day and I am kinda moody. Confused. I am tired of feeling betrayed and lied to. Why do I always feel like the last one to know the truth about everything? Especially when it comes to the subject of men, and more so when it is men I care about? I used to break things, smash things. Really all that does is leave you feeling worse and empty. I was in a therapy group where I had to actually go through a session of how I acted when a guy got me to that place. They got out trash cans and dishes ect and I went through the clingy don't leave me crap and smashing and swearing at the placebo person. We spent the afternoon that day going through it. I don't think I ever felt so centered out and wanting to hide as much as I did that day. It was really hard to deal with. I ended up in a corner and just balling my eyes out. I don't think I have smashed anything since then or held on to anyone physically like that again. I mean where does it get you? I think I have ripped a few posters and letters but on the whole I try not to do anything physical. However I do have the issue still with physically hurting myself. However I do have the picking issue with is an OCD disorder and is made owrse by stress and upset and I have struggled with cutting but worked so hard on not cutting myself. No one has any idea how hard that is to deal with, but I do find breathing and counting and meds do help. I do know I get alot of griping at me about my meds and it really pisses me off. I don't like taking them, it's fricken a pain in the ass and sometimes I want to puke them out but I can so tell when I don't take them. I talk faster and people especially my grandmother and Phil get on me that I am agitating them by talking too fast and changing subjects too fast. Doug actually seemed to like me that way, thats why we get along so well. He flows with my moods and knows when I am agitated, when I am up, he is so tooned into me it's awesome, I love how he is like that! That has been a rarity in my life.Actually Jo-Anne seemed to be really good at sliding with my moods as teens. I think my teen years would have been dramatically different had I been diagnosed as bipolar at that time. It explains so very much. I was very jealous of friends. I was hyper sensitive. Very moody. Always tired. So much more. But it is hard to diagnose teens and alot of anti-depressants are not very good for teens it can actually make them worse.I see the dermatologist this week, and gonna go get that blood test and stomach test. My doctor believes my stomach is bleeding and so I am on these meds to help at least slow that down. I should be getting that scope soon as well.My hamstring is healing but I pulled it again yesterday-grr that fricken hurts.Went out with DJ on wednesday we had lunch at the Brass Duck, he had fish and chips and calamari. I had the Clubhouse. Then we went and watched Knocked up. Holy moses can we say swearing overload and female nudity galore AND alot of drug use, not your everyday movie.Then yesterday Phil and I went to Kelsey's can we say the food was REALLY BAD we sent it back. Got New York Fries at the movie theatre and watched 1408. Wow buildup to that was not as good as the actual movie itself. Not a movie I would watch a second time around! So I been feeling pretty good about having my kids around me but wish I was the everyday kind of mom. That is not something I can ever be. I am proud of the kids they are. Ya know Dj is doing so awesome in school and he is in Sask right now visiting Crystal and I gave him some money to spend there. Mary is falling behind in grades but wants to do better and she keeps herself clean with her friends. She is such a beautiful girl. Sarah is so awesome in soccer and strong willed. All my kids are strong willed. No one is ever gonna keep them quiet like wow, wish I could have been fighters like them, and opinionated like them, and refused to keep quiet like them. You won't ever see them keeping secrets and they fight omg they fight and are strong like hell. When I was younger I feared my dad and kept my mouth shut. I have never been a fighter. Of course I am a little different now. I tell all, I speak all, I won't hide anything and I will get in your face. I think it's because everyone seems to hate me anyway and I don't foresee a long lasting life so I might as well stand up and stand strong and say what I have to say and if you don't like it BITE ME!!!!So anyhow that is me fornow, had to get the thoughts out, hope everyone has a great Canada I believe we're 140yrs old, and we are the country that rocks whew hoo.....

Life...

2007-06-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

Well Mary is coming home in less than 2 weeks. I am excited, but nervous. We bought the girls cell phones early bday presents from all of us. I just feel safer with them having them. I would like to see if I can get them engraved.I was out the other day and my back hurt so bad I mean so badly like never has it hurt this badly before. The pain was so bad that I passed out from the pain. Does osteoarthrtis really get this bad? two days of that kind of pain. Was so bad I couldn't even cry. I think I took a little more of my painkillers than I meant too because it hurt so bad. It's pointless to go to hospital because with chronic pain it's not really anything they can do. What bugs me is when I get put down for being in pain. Like any of us grows up to say yeah when I grow up I want to be disabled. I hate being on disability. I hate chronic pain. I hate that it kills me to try and carry a few groceries only 4 blocks home, that takes everything out of me. I'm 34yrs old I should be healthy and vibrant. I'm not. So being told no one else would want you if they really knew you kills me. Maybe they wouldn't but do you have to yell that at me and make me feel that much worse?Anyhow it turns out I have this hernia that is blocking my stomach and reflux which is why I am constantly puking. This is what is making eating a problem. So my surgeon wants to go in and have more of a look with the scope. I'm sure I will get the date for that pretty quick. Oh lucky me another scope. He wanted to give me pariet but that shit has done nothing to alleiviate the problem. So I said no. What is the point if it is doing nothing? More drugs I don't need. Yes me saying no to more drugs. As much as people think I like all these meds I don't. I am sick of all these freakin meds. One does get tired of swallowing pills day in and day out. I wish it could all be done with a shot once a month that would be great!I envy people who are healthy and happy and never in pain. Envy people who never have to know what depression/bipolar is like. I do have to say though seeing all my old friends on here. Having people remember me and know that people out there do care all because of facebook, that has done more than anyone realizes. Odd how something so little in life can make such a big difference to a life in reality!

Pain...

2007-06-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

Watching the Movie "In God's Country"-Kelly Rowan, Richard Burgi, (2007)star in the tale of a woman's efforts to rescue her 16-year-old daughter from a polygamous community.(drama, 120mins)I am from the United Church so I do believe in being with only 1 man for myself. However I do not understand why if someone wants to be in a community where they all understand and share that they not be allowed to live that way. Who are we to say it is wrong? It just makes me so damn angry. I do not though understand them allowing the girls to marry so young. I am glad that in these days most people are older now when they marry. So anyhow I saw the dr. apparently I have sometype of hernia and also have some reflux. He also thinks I may have built up scar tissue that may have to be lasered away. So he is going to do a scope-oh the joy. At least this is getting things looked at and I know finally something is being seen. I feel alot more relieved now I saw specialist:)Not sure why but my back is hurting so damn bad I cannot even begin to to tell you had badly it hurts. I've had osteoarthrtis in my spine for years now but some days I feel like it is just breaking apart. I do not tolerate pain well.One thing I have had only last 2 days and have no idea why & not told dr yet is very very very dizzy and if I try to look at something it is hard to look at even like looking in the mirror everything is like on an angle. Messed up.... ...and no I don't do drugs!!!

Pain...

2007-06-08T21:44:00.001-07:00

Watching the Movie

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2007-06-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

So I finally got into the xray to have my Upper GI Tract tests done. NOT A FUCKIN FUN TIME! I hate swallowing that chalk. That doctor had me moving around so much I thought I was gonna puke like being on a rollercoaster. However did appear that I may have a blockage leading into my pouch, which would explain why I have been suffering when I try to swallow solids. It also appeared to me that there were some lumps that are not supposed to be there.It's funny when my dad was driving me there I was telling him how the doctor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. He was like "is there anything you don't have?" I was like "it is my mission in life to have an illness for each letter of the alphabet lol, just kiddin dad" I personally don't concur with that diagnoses, but whatever!So I see Dr.Amson on friday and he will probably order a scope and hopefully the CT scan the other doctor had recommended. Well While I was writing this my doctors office called. Surprise surprise they want to see me. That is the fastest I ever got a callback from them. Wow I am actually crying now. I don't want another surgery, I am so fricken tired of surgery. Phil is going out after work so pretty much here on my own to sit and stew on this. I guess it couldn't happen to a better person right? I mean I must have some huge ass bad Karma out there cause bad things just always seem to happen to me. Yes if I feel attacked I can be a huge assed vengeful bitch. If you attack me as a mother or go after the one I love God save your sorry soul because I have a bad habit of acting and saying things first and thinking later. I am not the best mom in the world. I started young and I made some huge assed mistakes but I love my babies. The ones I brought into this world and the ones I lost but never stop aching over losing.I am trying to be strong but I am angry at those who have been telling me this has all been in my head. Probably because I am bipolar-screw you. I know when something isn't right in my body!!!RIGHT NOW I AM SCARED I just want to know what this is and how we fight it!For now that is all I have energy for...

Guys Do It All The Time...

2007-06-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

So this month has been just a sheer heartache for me. I feel like I have let go of anything tangible and have nothing to grab onto. Last night I couldn't sleep. I am exhausted and tired today. So tired that I want to cry and I can't. You know just over a week ago I found out Doug had lied to me about everything for 10 long years. Which really shouldn't matter because I have chosen to be with Phil and not Doug. So what's the dif everyone says? Regardless it still hurts like hell. I truly, deeply, madly loved and trusted Doug. He was someone I could tell anything to, so yeah it hurt regardless of the fact we were no longer together. He had just recently asked me to choose him over Phil. So lately I had been questioning myself "what if"Then in the last few days I find searches on Phils computer for porn and teen porn. I find a picture of a ladies naked breasts on his phone which he says he never knew was there. Then to top it all off the lady who has text messaged my phone before about Phil cheating on me once again texted me today and said he is still at it and has a kid on the way and won't leave her alone and wants him to leave her alone but won't and the sex sucked with him. This is the 3rd instance of her texting me. Everytime Phil says he has no idea why she is doing it. He doesn't cheat ect. I don't know what to believe. He yells at me when I ask about it and calls her a cunt and me a bitch for believing it. I don't know maybe she is just causing trouble. Maybe I should just believe it. I am so confused *tears*

Miss Universe, Miss USA, Inspiration to Children

2007-05-28T21:48:00.001-07:00

Well wow I have never in all the years I have watched Miss Universe have never seen any of them slip and fall. Well Miss USA did just that tonight and wow I was just shocked. I couldn

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I Totally Support Rosie O'Donnell

2007-05-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

Ya know I have loved Rosie from day one. By the looks of things alot of people have a hate on for her. Screw them. Why cause she's not some skinny little big breasted blonde? Get real. I think it's low that Donald Trump went onto Nancy Grace and totally slammed her. He may not like her but the way he slammed her was abusive and cruel. I wish I could reach out and give her a hug. If she did do some inappropriate things I know she did it from embarrassement and upset. Not an excuse but totally understandable. She is being dragged through the mudd for all the world to see. I really feel for her right now. I may feel for her more because I know how much I have been hurting by the crap I have had to deal with in parts of my life, the last few days and being told today to learn where my place is. I have always had friends. I am happy to see all the friends I have on facebook, I have a deep depression I deal with. Seeing everyone on facebook has made me realize even though I have slowly become somewhat of a shut in I really do have alot of people who I can reach out to, you all have no idea how much that means to me. I have always stuck by friends who do my fighting for me. I have raised kids who were like the friends I have always kept. I didn't want them growing up fearing other people, adult or kids. They are opinionated, strong minded and can't be told who or what they should be doing or hanging with. I am very prtoud of that. I am a stronger personality now but still suffer with depression. I always will I have bipolar. Wish I had known that in school, life probably would have been 100% better. I still take alot of crap from men not women though. Anyhow yeah Rosie is someone I totally adore.Another that no one basically agrees with who I support and adore is Roseanne Barr she rocks. I love her strength, her ability to laugh and not be afraid of anyone elses opinions. Anyhow I feel like crying so I am off for now, God bless you all, sweet dreams goodnight....

Too Mucvh info, insides overblown

2007-05-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well anyone who has been a friend of mine in the past 10yrs or so knows about Doug. They know my whole world was wrapped up around him and his words were gospel to me. That my love for him was deeper than any love I thought I would ever have again. That he even has been an issue between Phil and I, that I have struggled with staying with Phil to go back to Doug. That Doug has said he would change if I went back to him and dumped Phil. But that I did choose Phil over Doug. Last night I found out all those years Doug was also with Kath. That he was not sleeping on the couch. That they were only ever really broken up for very short spurts. I learned a ton more but it's really not worth writing it all out. I mean just what I have written right now is enough. How does a guy get away with that for 10yrs? Now he is going to put someone else through it? How can he live with himself?I think Phil is happy just another thing to throw in my face to prove he is better than Doug. I hate how he uses shit like that to throw in my face. As for other things, Summer is getting closer I can't wait for it to finally get here. I picked up haircolor so I can finally get my hair done. Picked up some new summer clothes for Sarah. I picked up some sweet red dress shoes for myself. When Mary gets here I am finally gonna go buy myself all new pants mine are all too big. Mary is awesome for fashion sence and I am not so I am saving that for a girls day out thing. We got 2 new fish we named them twinkle and lady:)Anyhow I shall go for now, hope everyone is doing well, tatta:)

Friendships, Changes, & Medical...

2007-05-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well I have been on an emotional high finding old friends. Being a military brat we moved so finding old friends means alot to me. Finding and sorting out family has been fun for me and my daughter as well. Facebook is an awesome site, I swear everyone is on there:)Looks like some changes are coming to my life, new beginnings and old endings, probably for the better, but will need emotional supports I think to get through them. Saw docotor today I am staying on pain meds 4 times a day and she ordered a breath test something to do with ulcers, more blood tests, more stool tests, an upper GI test and getting hold of doctor Amson to have him look me over and do more tests. I am getting so sick of all these fricken tests! Why can't they figure out what is going on...
Last week it was the Baldwins, this week David Hasellhoff drunk and eating a burger off the floor shot by his 16yr old daughter. Your not safe from the drama even if your a celebrity. What is going on with so many dad's and why are celebrity kids turning in this stufdf about their dads? That is harsh

Too Close To Home...

2007-05-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

The article below the source is from The Province BC Canada
Teens with toy gun face charges after school locked down
By Matthew Ramsey, The ProvincePublished: Thursday, May 03, 2007
Chilliwack - Two teens who brought a toy gun to Chilliwack Middle School on Thursday afternoon have some serious explaining to do.A teacher at the school called police at 2:30 to report seeing the two young people with what appeared to be a handgun.That call prompted a massive police response which included dogs and an RCMP helicopter. Police locked the school down and searched it until they found and arrested the duo without incident. The two were in custody Thursday afternoon and will be charged. It was not clear whether they are students at the school.The police treat these matters very seriously," said Const. Bert Paquet. "Bringing these items to school is not a smart move. Paquet said said staff and students were not at risk.mramsey@png.canwest.com
This scared me. I felt scared and helpless as I couldn't do anything but pray my daughter was and would be ok. My middle daughter lives in Chilliwack and goes to the middle school. They already had a threat of guns on the 25th of April and she stayed home that day. Being in Victoria a ferry ride away all I can do is wait and listen for more news. I am relieved that they were toy guns and I hope those two kids suffer imeasurably, what the hell were they fricken thinking? Thankyou God for watching over my kids. Funny my youngest said her sister would be ok cause she has a connection with her sister and if something was wrong she would feel it. Is that not the sweetest thing? I love when my kids talk like that about one another, cause me and my siblings did not get along growing up. I still can't get along with my drama spoiled princess sister. My brother we have had our moments but we always get over our anger. He's one of the strongest people I know!

I Hate The Darkness...

2007-05-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

Ok firstly yes I am bipolar, yes I am on meds, obviously I need to go back in and once again have them adjusted cause I am shutting down. I am just so tired of having to go back in and see a fuckin psychiatrist. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Ask Phil he'll tell you you only have to see one if your psychologically fucked up and stupid :'( As for the pain I have been having buscopan seems to be helping with that but makes me even more tired than I already am. The xrays as I said showed that my bowels on the right side are very backed up and I may have irritable bowel syndrome which my mom and possible middle daughter has :'( Today was my ultrasound once again they found something. I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and today they found on my ovaries my eggs apparently are not flushing out but attaching to my ovaries which somehow grow? Make like sores and a couple are about half the size of my ovaries. My guess is the dr may choose to now take out my ovaries and that is upsetting cause all I need is menopause added to my already emotioal being. I really thought my ovaries would be fine and dandy. I now apparently will also be having a CT scan just to make sure nothing else is going on. I feel like my brother is right I am gonna end up in the hospital hooked up to machines barely living. I am barely living now. I barely get out of bed right now. I am exhausted and emotional and hurting. I am tired of being yelled at and now Doug well he just put the last knife in my heart.
I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can't even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he's always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can't, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn't seem to be. we're both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn't consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend.
Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn't get here today.
I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn't like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil's friends and he has tons.
I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn't feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That's home, that's where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don't know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :'( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don't want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn't work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down....

Life Is Hell, Why Live It?

2007-05-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

I had xrays done, blood work and urine samples oh how fun. Turns out my stools on the right side are hugely backed up but all clear on the left side. So she wasn't sure but thinks I could have irritable bowel syndrome, oh lucky me. But we still have to see with ultra sound and ct scan. They shot me up with toridal and gave me a high dose of ativan and sent me home with a prescription for buscopan and we shall see how that all works out for now. So that's the story for now...

I hate having emotions. I am hurting and scared and angry more than I am my old bubbly happy social self. I hate this darkness and I want to stop feeling. I just want the world to go away, how do I make that happen? I am tired of the darkness and spontaneous tears. It takes all I have just to sit up in bed right now...
Everyone seems to find a reason for getting up everyday, how do you do that? I seem to have lost my way. Phil told me today apparently most of his family dislikes me or hates me now partially because of that video I uploaded online. I wish I could apologize but I'm not sorry. I am so tired of feeling like no one understands what I go through and even with the video still it got turned around, this is why I hate life. I hate everything. I wish to cease to exist. Obviously I am unworthy in life and in love. *tears* I guess I deserve afterall to be yelled at and called down so here I am world kick me till I am dead...

My Thoughts on Virginia Tech/ Politics of Plenty Of Fish & Angus

2007-04-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

No I have not gone to hospital yet, so yes still very sick. More if I get up. I feel not so bad if laying still. I don't want to go through a million tests:( AnyhowI want to say God bless the families and friends of those who lost angels who made their way to heaven this week when Cho shot up Virginia tech on monday. However I do have opinions that are not so popular with anyone. I have sat and watched a million memorials and they most made me cry. I think what the one teacher did should never be forgotten he was brave. The memorials I like best though are the one who included Cho, because yes I believe he too is a victim. A victim of so much and being victimized even more now. His family I can only imagine the pain they are going through listening to how everyone talks of their son. I am angry about how the media has tried to report on things they do not know but think they know and not just on what they know. Trying to make speculations. Also about making such a huge ordeal about the mental illness. Hello I am mentally ill does not mean I am gonna kill a school of people. In fact I am more a danger to myself then to others. I have a sharp tongue but that's all. I feel so bad for Cho also seen him named as Daniel. If you look at his video he looks tired, he looks sad, like he really didn't want to do this. I really do feel something or someone pushed him over that edge. Someone out there knows why this went this far and I hope your sorry ass hurts for what has happened. I have cried for Cho as much as I have cried for the victims. I do have to say though, hands down Virginia Tech has handeled this situation better than anything else I have ever seen. They are not acting like this is all they are. They have been strong and joined as one. Their community spirit is one that if the world could be like them would be a much better place. We could be a better world if we took a lesson from the people who were at the forfront of this situation. God bless you and your families. You are so strong and I adore your strength, I wish I had what you had, I wish we all did. God bless you!
Now my other issue right now is Plenty of fish not sure how all the other cities run on that site but Victoria seems to have alot of politics running on it. It is sad and disgusting. I am only on it just for kicks. Doug is on it and I think he is only on there to see how many more women he can piss off and hurt. He gets hurt by alot of women himself. So he has this thing with going to the gym so women will see him get built and be a god. I think he's fricken crazy it's making him sick not a god. He has become Mr.Popularity on there. Anyhow he makes one person feel like she is everything meanwhile he is telling someone else he is with her. So he has this "drunk" guys name Angus as his excuse for being an ass. I think it is crap because now quite a few people have been hurt and lied to. I agree I am one of them that has been lied to. I lost my glass slipper, told one thing when really the story was something else. I guess I should have known better. I mean Phil does the same thing all the time:( So now Angus is on this kick to break hearts all over POF and that works for him how? You would think one would learn a scorpio will always sting a scorpio especially if they feel your not giving them what they want, revenge is sweet I suppose :'( I am just not getting why I had to be hurt in the process...
As for the copycats since virginia tech, their out there. Look at the domestic shooting at Nasa yesterday and my middle daughter her school has had threats apparently of a shooting on the 25th. I mean that is so ridiculous and california had that one guy threatening to make VT look mild. He turned himself in. My heart goes out to the columbine families in their anniversaries.
Oh I did write down Dr.Demian Yakel who worked on alot of the VT patients in hospital damn he was a good looking doctor huh?The convocation for virginia tech was beautiful and I watched the whole thing. Strong people and very well spoken and done. Also watched the candle memorial and cried when they sang we all need somebody to lean on.
I do want to say yeah for the law passed in the USA this week for further ahead fetusus no longer able to be aborted-yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely yes I agree.
I do want to say 2 Dr.Phil Shows got my attention-Anna Hogan needs to go to fricken hell leave Anna Nicole alone I think she is such a bitch putting out the book Train Wreck-life and death of Anna Nicole Smith she just wants money. grrr bitch
I also wanted to say the family who came on the show Wrongful punishment April 18/2007 the first family on with teen boys totally felt for them and have had that kinda stuff in my house. I was really into that show, thanks for sharing your story...

Dying???

2007-04-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

getting sicker everyday. Weaker and fainter everyday. Feels like something is draining inside me everyday in a way I can't describe it's kinda like a cold stinging wierd sensation in my abdomen that kinda penetrates into my back. I get hungry but I eat and I want to hurl it all back up within minutes. Still feeling hot all the time. Doctors kept asking about diahrea had non well hope their happy that finally began today, pills to stop it aren't working :'(. So weak, so shakey, so feverish and headachy. God make this end... Gravol doesn't help the nausea, T1's don't stop the pain or headaches. Just want it to end... would love to be your internet friend.Please check out my profile and photos at:http://www.friendsearch.com/my.profile/LadyIllusions/Love,LadyIllusions

It IS That Bad

2007-04-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well it is a kidney infection, which sucks but at least I can deal with at home. Kinda odd though because I feel like everyday I am getting weaker and weaker. In fact yesterday I fainted in the bathroom and woke up an hour and 20mins later to the phone ringing. Which sucked cause I had been called by the school to go pick up my kid. When I came to i GOT My brother to go get her. I hate fainting. I actually have a fear of fainting. Seriously I do, not sure why but it scares me the thought of fainting :(
I went out saturday night with Sherri. We didn't stay out too late I was so not well enough to be out. Doug was out too, he was sitting at a table with a couple girls. His friend Laurie well after listening to her I had enough and that's when we left. Some people need a fricken life!!!
Yesterday Phil was holy crappy mood it was like he had saved up a bagful of the nasties and unleashed on me. I was just too faint to fight back. Then this morning some chick text messaged me about Phil. Remember a couple months back some chick did that and he told me she was lying well here is some more, not all of it is here cause I think a couple were deleted by Phil, but here they are oh and Phil says they aren't true it's someone trying to raise bull between us. I don't know what to believe. "plus one day I babysat the kids. So they could go out his clothes didn't look neat like they did b4 they left hmmm i wonder what they were doing. ask erica. troublem makin piece of shit.the more than once like last weekThey were gone for a good long while, goodbye just telling you what a slimeball ur not with is like I have been there sometimes when he called he can't deny he wants 2b with a real woman who can have kids ask.
She's ur friend 2 special needs ask him y 3 of Chris's kids r blond she's not goodbye Im done just had to inform ya that he is still ca" She also said something about him doing a strip tease for them. Phil was fit to be tied. OMG he yelled so harshly when I asked him about it.
God I wish I was feeling better. I feel so nauseated and weak, I actually am shaking. I hate being sick! I just don't have the energy to deal with this right now.
God I am so selfish there are tons of families mourning right now.33 people dead and many more injured from the shooting at Virginia Tech yesterday. Cho Seung-hui went a shooting rampage and in the end killed himself. They had a convocation this afternoon and will have a candlelight vigil tonight. My best wishes and blessings go out to the families and friends dealing with this tragedy at this time. I have to say I am very impressed with the community there and how wonderful everyone is at Virginia Tech. I don't think I have ever seen so much wrmth and love and togetherness as I have seen in this community. God Bless you all *hugs*
I do question how this man was able to kill so many people before police got involved. Where were the police? How did he get so far? I don't get it!!!

Doctors Appointment

2007-04-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

I saw the doctor the day before yesterday and then yesterday again. The doctor thought I might have appendicitis and a kidney infection on the right side. So I had a blood test it did not show positive for appendicitis. But called me back in for more tests. This doctor thought still I might have appendicitis also won ders if I might have gallstones in my liver or a liver infection or and kidney infection and also wondered about a bowel blockage. So I went back in for another blood test today and am waiting for tests to come back AGAIN. My temperature is all over the place but am super faint and tired and still not real hungry but am thirsty drinking alot of tomatoe juice and water.
Phil is frustrated with me I guess cause seems like everything I do and don't do is pissing him off he has been yelling at me non stop. I feel like I can't do anything right by him :"(
Doug has been pretty supportive, he has called to check in on me and asked me to call and let him know how things go with tests ect. I am actually surprised by that because normally he hasn't really been there for me when it comes to shit like that. When it comes to the real things in life Doug has never really been there. It's hard to explain the friendship he and I have I am often confused by it. Not really sure where I have fit in his world, never have been sure. Sometimes I think what Phil says about how Doug feels about me is true and that hurts ALOT!
Sherri has been pretty supportive too. She checks in on me time to time. She is trying to get me out and get my life moving again. She might be moving to New Brunswick this summer which is sad for me but I understand it completely. She will be moving there to be next to her daughter. Mary told me I deserve it because then I know how it is to be seperated from my friends. I told her to grow up. I was seperated from my friends my whole life I was a base brat. Sherri and I spent most of our friendship apart writing letters and calling long distance. But I guess Mary can't see that. She is just angry being with her dad away from her friends here right now :'(
I see Anna Nicoles mom is supposed to be having rights to the baby what the hell is that about? Whatever. I think Anna is rolling in her grave. But whatever...
I want to quickly say I think things have gone to far with IMUS , NBC has now fired him? WTF? It's not like he goes off on racial issues all the time. The fact he said nappy headed ho's one time and laughed once and now it's gone this big is ridiculous. I feel so bad for the man. Girls come on he apologized don't let this be his career killer that is horrible. Worse has been done, way worse :(
Anyhow, not sure what tests will say but am sick of being sick and in pain, but I guess I deserve it...

Nonstop Tears

2007-04-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

So surprise surprise I am not feeling well today. Once again have the shakes and am hurting all over. I feel like everything is dying from the inside out. Last few days I can't seem to stop from breaking down into spontaneous tears. It has been my experience in the past that sometimes when I cry feeling the way I do now someone has had tradgedy. Like I cried like this for 2 days before Tara died and cried like this a day or two before Alden died. It hasn't always been the case but it always worries me that some horrible thing could be coming this way. I pray it is wrong, that I Am just an idiot who can't contain my stupid emotions.
Last few days I haven't even hardly been able to get out of bed. I don't want to eat, my chin is more itchy by the day and my insides hurt like hell. It has gotten bad enough that I have called the doctor and I have an appointment for tomorrow. I am going to get them to do a full blood work up and see if there isn't something that could be running deeper than any of us realize.
Ya know I have said alot of the crap that I hate Phil does like his persistant yelling and put downs. But I do have to say through all my sickness and depression he has put up with alot. He tries to keep thi He helps me out with Sarah when I just don't have the energy to deal with her. And in the last couple months when I have been really weak he has even cooked when I couldn't. Including bring me soup and crackers and gingerale to me in bed. Now if he did all that without putting me down for being sick and making me feel somehow less than everyone else and worthless. If he did it without yelling at me about everything he would be my hero, he truly would, because I cherish how much those moments mean to me. But it feels like there is an emotional pricetag that comes with it and that cost is high :'(
Oh he went and got my bracelet exchanged that he bought me for easter. It a fragile gold bracelet with a tiny heart cut out of it. Too fragile to have my name engraved on it:( It's a beautiful little bracelet I love it. I will have to get a bigger stronger one one day though cause I want one with my name on it. They said this one is too thin it would break :'(
I was thinking today about my kids. This weekend when something was said to DJ and he told me. I immedietly wanted to come to his defense but he asked me not to. They knew I would have completely lost it. It took all I had to respect his wishes because he was so upset he couldn't eat and he had been saying all night he was so hungry. When I was in school I was never really the popular kid. I was known and I had big friends but it was my siblings and friends or BF's who stood up for me. I usually stood behind them. IU have raised my kids to stand up to people and don't back down. I am very rpoud of them for their strong personalities and 2 out of the 3 generally won't back down. I am the parent who is very protective and I am loud and out there if you attack someone I love or my kids. DJ is a special case I am even more strongly opinionated with him because I don't feel as if I have given him enough of my protection in life and I owe him that back! Teachers generally know me well. Other parents get to know me especially if you try to attack my kids. Don't cross me!!! Phil and I have had some huge arguments over how strongly I come onto people when it involves my kids. My brother not so much argued with me but we've had some strong conversation cause he says I am making up for the teachers and people who did me wrong as a kid. I told him I will give him that but that won't change the way I feel. Teachers have a job to do and some take advantage of their authority!!!
My fricken rings are all sliding off, I don't get how much more weight I can loose from my damn fingers. Grrrrr!
Oh I am so glad finally the DNA is back from Dr. Michael Baird PH.D and 99.9999% Larry Birkhead IS the father of Anna Nicole's Baby girl Dannielynn. Howard Stern's speech brought me to tears. I think he was wonderful about it. Just you 2 PLEASE KEEP VERGIE AWAY FROM HER!!!!
K I am off got a roast cooking:)

Home From Salt Spring Island

2007-04-09T05:47:00.000-07:00

Well Sarah has another video uploaded you can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzbPe_0tnbA
Before I go on with my blogging check out this beautiful love letter it will bring a tiny tear to your eye lol "ur a fuckin cow...why the fuck would u post that shit of phil getting mad at u on u tube are u fuckin retarded...even after I already asked u to shut ur mouth...and stop airing ur dirty laundry about MY family ur a stupid bitch with a warped mind who noone likes FUCK YOU" Wow I sense some hostility there. Isn't it a good thing I am not out looking to win a miss popularity contest? I do not feel bad for putting up that video. I put up that video because I am fuckin sick of him always denying he yells and gets like that with me. I was trying to prove a point. I won't be making any more videos it was a one time deal to try and make a statement. Actually the member who wrote this sweet letter I have adored her since I met Phil's family and I am sorry she feels this way but I am not going to apologize for how I deal and have dealt with thins. I am tired of laying down and taking crap in life. I know she loves Phil and I understand why she feels the need to protect him but I have my own side too and I am not going to stop doing what I do to deal with my own pain!
This weekend for example was hard to deal with. I got into it with Phil's mother and Phil felt the need after some time of arguing to step in and say something on my behalf. I listened but later upstairs I told him I can fight my battles and I love him for sticking up for me but I am not a child and I could handle the fight on my own. I probably shouldn't have gone this weekend I still feel super sick. I went to the wedding and tried to go to reception but after Phil's mom degraded my son and he was so upset he couldn't eat I was just too upset and too ill I needed to leave. So phil brouth me back to Aunty Jo's and I crashed right after I got home until about 10"30pm when a few people got home and I guess I crashed again cause I don't remember Phil getting back at all. The wedding was beautiful we went to Chocolate Island Springs I could camp there would be very romantic and nice. I did save a shell from there :P
Dj had a cruddy time he told me he is never going again that upset me. All because he was made to feel like he was a bad kid :'( Sarah I think had fun. Oh yeah DJ told me on friday that he is going to get adopted by his foster parents. That was like a big sharp hot piercing knife through my heart. He also wants to take their last name. That is hurting me so bad right now that I know I am hyper sensitive to everyone else and what they say. Doug says he can't see it happening and Phil has been pretty supportive too. Still I am worried and still hurts more than words can say. It feels like anything I love or get close to in life always leaves me and so I feel like I have to keep everyone at arms length because if I let them in and they hurt me I just want to die :'( I have lost so much in this lifetime and I just can't take one more loss. I don't know how my brother goes on everyday having lost his daughter and his wife. Had that been me I would be dead.
Oh yeah Phil got to see his older half brother Robert in Vancouver. That was a big moment for him. I think he looks alot like Phil, same eyes and nose I think. Now if we could find his biological dad:)
Our filter for the fishtank died and so did three of the fish :( So we need to get on top of that!
For easter Phil bought me a signet bracelet it is gold with a cross so pretty. I have ALWAYS WANTED ONE!!! But it's a childs one :'( :'( I want one I want one I want One :'(He says he is going to go get me an adult sized one. I hope he does that soon cause I am just so excited to have one.
Ya know I thought I have been struggling with the flu but someone pointed out how stressed I seem to be lately which could explain my chin problem and irritate the ulcer the dr's are sure I have. I seem to get ulcers very easily. They took out a ton of them when I had the gastric bypass.
Anyhow enough for now LATERZ....

Happy Easter To All

2007-04-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

I did put another video up it's of Phil http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ2SlGZdEoA
I think it speaks for itself.
Anyhow he found my ring recently it was in the washing machine. I have recently felt like I am dying. I have had this horrid flu. ^The first day I couldn't even sit up. My neck and back would not even move. I was screaming in pain and crying for my mom. I never felt such painful agony. Omg I really thought that I was going to die it hurt so bad. But I am slowly coming back from it. I slept a couple days through it. Not able to eat, trying to keep fluids down it was just agonizing. Doug has been suffering through it for quite some time. I am sure his bodybuilding has not helped him heal any faster!
That chin issue I was having is growing out of control again. I am wondering can it be an allergy to something cause this is the worst breakout yet. If I am able to post the collage pic I will. It is in my pics on my msn space, It is very painful and itchy and nothing I use seems to help. It is itchy and painful. I wish it were not on myt face I hate that so much. I guess I will finally have to go get it checked when I get back from salt spring this weekend.
I have a confession to make. I have the serious hots for Nick Simmons, Yes Gene Simmons son on KISS omg he is so articulate and funny and down to earth. He seems to have it so together I love his personality. Why can't all guys be like him? He is seriously funny. Gene and and Shannon make me cry they love one another so much. Their relationship is the kind of relationship I want to have. When they had their plastic surgeries I was like laughing and and just so envious of how much they love one another. They still act like newly weds ya know although he says unwed for like 23 yrs or something like that. Still I want what they got it is so cool. Their kids are awesome too like who wouldn't want to get to know their kids? I can't wait to see what their surgeries turned out to look like. I know Nick was very against it:)
Oh I also watched recently an interview with a serial killer which was Jeffrey Dahmer. K I have always felt sad for him. I know what he did was so wrong. What I like is he was open about what he did, he spoke and answered everything he was asked. I think his mother denied too much and I understand it had to be hard to be the mother of of a killer. I like that his father supported him. I hate how he died, I think they knew that would happened and they did nothing to protect him and I think that was crap. I don't know why I have such an interest in killers but I do. I think it's that I know everyone is someones child and something in their life led them down a road most don't go down and why did they do that? Especially since so many of them were so smart and could have had such brilliant wonderful lives. What was the thing that took them off that hbright career in life?
Apparently Anna Nicole Smith and her son Daniel are both being chopped up to being accidental deaths. I don't believe it. I think it is very sad that it is being let go so easily, but it figures their just gonna let it go with that. Makes me sick. She also got a bad shake in life. I hope her daughter will get better!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816 if your on facebook add me I am on there as Angela Howland, seems to be one of the next big sites online now:)
I'm still pretty emotional about the scary night I had a few weeks ago. I just feel like the people involved could have handled things so very much better than they did. I am so scared what if I am out and by myself again and no one is around and something like that happens again? I mean this has only happened to me once but still I feel a little traumatized from one night of being scared because of something that happened due part in partial to my being bipolar.
Ya know I hate hearing all the time how I do not need my meds I want to take my meds. I can train myself not to take my meds. Why do people who take cancer meds or diabetic meds get to have their daily meds without harassment and bipolar people and shizo people get harassed and told it'sd all in our heads. We are just manipulating the systom. Then a certain someone else I know needs meds they have issues and needs counselling and they absolutely refuse to believe it even though the dr says yes they do. Neither the meds and counselling will work if they insist it's the world forcing them on them is why they are on them. Good God. It just frustrates me so much. When I don't have my meds I can't slow down my thinking, I can't sleep and I do things that are erratic. I apparently also talk really fast and really loud. Does anyone else have people get on them for talking too loud and too fast? I get so irritated by that? Excitability :(
Man I need new clothes. Phil has been buying himself a whole new wardrobe, meanwhile my clothes are falling off:( and I can't find any of my more sexy shirts, they all seem to be missing which is odd. I have looked everywhere and it is pissing me off:( I am going to a social thing with Sherri next weekend. Sherri is getting me out more. Doug and I are talking more. Haven't seen him though for awhile he's been super sick:(
Anyhow I should sign off for now, laterz....

A Little Angry

2007-03-29T09:03:00.001-07:00

A typical rage moment caught..

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Alot of Thoughts Today

2007-03-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

It is a beautiful sunny day today and the windows are wide open allow the fresh air into the place. Phil cleaned up the downstairs and he did a most wonderful job. I have been rather lazy the last couple of days with a migraine that just won't go away. He has gotten on my case about eating. My brother is gone to San Fransicisco. Hopefully he is gonna remember to get me a button:) He and Phil have really gotten on my case about my lack of eating. They think I am not eating enough food in the last couple of months. I say I don't look as if I am starving so leave me alone :(
Question out there would you people out there like to add to my button/pin collection? I have been collecting them since I was in grade 3 and I would love it if you would add to my collection and they are not to expensive to send me. I would love you forever if you sent me some. You can email me for info on how to send them to me tenderone@shaw.ca They are pushback buttons and pins any will do. I actually want to get them hung up again I need to get some cork boards to get them hung up again. Actually any soccer stuff sent here would be awesome too especially beckham stuff, my daughter would go crazy. I wish we could authenticate the one picture we got iut is suppose to be his signature but I somehow think we might have got ripped off. I can't find anyone to authenticate it. Does anyone know if it is true he is coming to Vancouver BC canada? If he is when, where? How long? For what? I would love to get her close enough to see him:)
Last night we were told that Anna Nicole Smith died of drug overdose. I cried. I am not sure why I feel so close to her story. I just feel so sad for her. She apparently had a concoction of 9 meds. in her system. topomax, valium and ativan were just a few. Also chloral hydrate.She had absesses on her buttocks from needles. Obviously someone was giving her shots. I also have had shots, no way I could do that myself. I am not convinced it was not foul play :'( They did say she would have went to sleep and felt no pain died peacefully. I am glad she had at least that. I do wonder about the bruises they found on her shoulders, which they explained away by falling on her back the week before. Something doesn't sound right to me there. I don't buy that excuse. I can't believe they would. I think people just don't care and so they are allowing this sloppy investigation slide. My heart aches for her it really does. Now the investigation on her son Daniel is on and I bet they let it pass quickly too. Oh they also say Anna had a bacterial infection influenza. It's all just so sad.
A new Season of Gene Simmons Family Jewels has begun. I love this show. I so wish I had money. They are having an auction on ebay to win time with them http://www.ebay.com/AETV I want to meet Nick Simmons. I am not usually into young men like him, but he is funny, and charming and cool, very down to earth. I love how he teases his dad. I admit I have a huge crush on him. Just one kiss from him would make my life:) :( I wanna win the auction :( I hope Shannon Tweed is pregnant I think it would be cool for them to have another baby. I hoped we would find out this first new show but we didn't :( Grrrr AETV your killing me here....
I have to say I got alot of people who answered my last post Society and Mental Health thanks so much for writing me and answering me. I don't want to say what happened to me and for you my readers I know that is something your not used to from me. I am usually quite open about my life but this was especially hard for me.
I am curious what people think about me sharing as much as I do here online. Because my brother thinks it is an aweful lot to share. Phil absolutely hates that I share so much. My friends they keep up with me by reading my journals. Phil thinks I twist things alot. However What I am doing is not twisting it. It is how I feel and how I see it and think it and view it. How he might feel and view it might be different that doesn't mean what I say is wrong. Does it?
I have a question for my audience out there. Phil has never known his biological family as his 2nd dad adopted him and then he was raised by the dad he has now. He is now 36 and more than ever would like to piece that part of his life together. He would like to find his father Richard Osterlund 1931 July, Robert Osterlund his son , sisters Crystal and Wanda, other family: Winnie & Anthony Emmerick(Osterlund) & Genie White(Emmerick). If you think you might be related or know any of them please email me at tenderone@shaw.ca
Sarah now has a video of her telling her favorite joke online:) 'Thats A Worm Son' http://view.break.com/258322
Sherri and I went to Moxies for dinner I had mushrooms and teraki chicken rice bowl, Sherri had a burgery. Then we went to the Sticky Wicket. She showed me Big Bad Johns. Wow that is a naughty place. How is that a place worthy of a halth code inspection. If I had a sweatshirt on I probably would have left my bra but I had a low cleavage shirt on so I didn't. I did get a picture of me there though:) We phoned Doug and asked if he wanted to come out but he was on his way to sidney. Roger came and met us for an hour or so. I had a 2 shark attacks and a rum and coke. There were alot of preppie people there. Not used to being around preps much. We went and checked out an irish pub, that place was pretty cool:)
Sherri and I are planning on going to a POF function with Doug soon I am looking forward to that. Doug says it could get ugly but I think it will be just fine. I mean we're all grown ups not children right?
Man I need a massage like so damn bad. My shoulders neck and back are just killing me. Phil is not really into massages and for some reason my feet and calves are back into being really stiff and hurting again. It's like my feet want to curl up it is just a pain I can't really describe but a long massage helps but most people are not into giving feet massages ya know? I also need to get more tiger balm. I swear by that stuff.
http://www.nedic.ca wow what a distubing commercial. The girl is majorly putting herself down and it says something about a majority of 10yr old being on a diet. What is going on with out kids today?
I don't know why my ex Michael doesn't get it but he is feeding Mary chocolate and peanut butter all the time and oatmeal to go bars at 300calories a bar and 3 bars in a go 3 times a day she is gaining weight big time right now. I know he can eat till the cows come home and not gain weight but she has weight in females on both sides of family and he had me gain alot and now her. She is only 14 and I hate her having issues with weight already I didn't think it would happen :( What do we do?
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip tothe country with the express purpose of showing him how poor peoplelive.They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would beconsidered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was thetrip?""It was great, Dad.""Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked."Oh yeah," said the son."So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.The son answered:I saw that we have one dog and they had four.We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden And they have acreek that has no end.We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars atnight.Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields That gobeyond our sight.We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, They have friends toprotect them."The boy's father was speechless.Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happenif we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying aboutwhat we don't have.
I am using a calendar which reminds me of my friends birthdays.Could you complete my calendar, I don't have all of your details. Just use this link:http://www.jippy.com/?N6mibBD36X3hnZKN%2fahdYQ%3d%3dAlrighty I guess that is it for now, until I write again.....

Thats A Worm Son

2007-03-27T13:16:00.001-07:00

Sarah tells it like it is...

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Society & Mental Health

2007-03-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well I had a scary moment happen to me this week and it was the result of my being bipolar. I won't go into what happened but I will say what I have taken from it is that people in this world professional and unproffessional need to learn alot more about mental illnesses and what to do in a manic situation. To be able to notice it and get them the help they need instead of traumatizing them more by contributing to the confusion more. I have to say mental illness because I am sure it goes beyond being bipolar and into many other things. They need to recognize the signs and realize YOUNG and OLD get confused and lost. I think this can be accomplished with public service announcements, education and courses for professionals who are likely to be contacted to deal in these situations. I would love to become a part of getting that message out and talking about it. Just wondering who to call and where to go to have that heard and who will have the drive to say yes heres where we get started... Especially now that mental illness is becoming more spoken about. People are being told it's ok to be on meds for bipolar and schezophrenia but if you have a bad day and have a bad experience chances are that experience may set them back and may make them not feel ok about being mentally ill. Does anyone get that? Am I making any sense?
I have to say here on my bad day I was happy to hear Doug and Phil actually spoke nicely to one another holy shit to wonders never cease to amaze me. Also I have never been so happy to have someone pull me into their arms and tell me it was ok I was home, I was safe and it was all going to be ok. Phil and my brother were so supportive and both say everyone has a bad day. I still get teary eyed. I just feel so stupid and I was just so happy to see my brother. He really seems to always be there when I need him, he always has. And I am supposed to be the big sister :( But yeah Phil did hold me until I stop trembling and did what he could to make me feel safe.
The next day I cried ALOT, as I usually do I reached out to Doug and as usual he had me laughing my tears away. He told me a story of his own where he felt stupid and it made me laugh, somehow he always finds a way to make me smile. I still smile when I think about one of the things he told me. I swear that man could make the most miserable person laugh. Anyone who doesn't have Doug in their life really are missing out on a gem of a man. And I am just so glad he and Phil didn't fight when Phil called him. That says alot to me.
Tonight I am going out with Sherri, dinner and the club. I doubt I will drink though. Just starting to feel better and I am just happy to be going out with one of my best friends. She is my longest and best friend. It's Saturday night....
Oh and Phil's dad has had his second surgery and is doing well. Angels I tell ya are watching over that family. Can't wait till easter weekend going over to salt spring island for a wedding on Chocolate island. I am excited just to be going to an island with that name lol, and 2 out of my 3 kids will be with me so that rocks. Lots of family will be there.
Alrighty then off for now...

I have a dream

2007-03-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

So you wanna know what my dream is? I have lots but this one is one I cry about dream about, wish about. I am happiest laying down cause then I look so skinny. I want plastic surgery I need to get rid of this excess skin. in some places it truly hurts so badly. I need my arms done, my thighs, my butt, my back my stomach and neck and face all done and breasts lifted so as not to weigh on my back. I have 15lbs more till I would be at the heaviest I would have been in highschool. I told Phil that and he yelled and said no your not how can that be if I weigh what I weigh? I wanted to cry. I was thinking how fricken fat do I look if he said that? I went from feeling really proud of how far I had come to feeling like this fat horrible thing again. I should just starve myself. I mean if I look fat to him I must look really fat to others. I really need all this excess skin removed. My daughter said I'd probably loose the weight I need to loose if I could get the skin removed. I bet my back would feel better for it too. Oh God that would be great. The excess skin hurts so bad sometimes I HATE IT!!! If you feel like making a contribution to my dream come true please do :) :) :)
In the last couple of days I made roast and steak for dinner. On the weekend Sarah had her championships sat they won 6-3 with sarah scoring half the goals, then the second game 3-0. But the kids swarmed her 5 onyop of her so she could never score in that one. Sunday was held off till this upcoming saturday. Which kinda sucks but I am sure we will kick butt again.
We spent saturday night at Phil's parents place. So sunday I did some laundry and I scrubbed and cleaned off the shelf I have in my kitchen. My brother noticed right away, Phil still hasn't said anything. Then yesterday I spent over an hour working on the livingroom and did 4 loads of laundry. I cleaned off the computer desks, pulled them out, fed the fish. Didn';t say anything about that either. I guess he doesn't need to say it. I mean I'm not 3 right?
He just came home ate the dinner I made and went to the bar. Somewhere I haven't gone to alone to since I have been with Phil. Because like Phil has said to me time and time again people are flirty and drunk and don't care if you have a ring. Even when your there with someone they'll hit on you. He has said that himself. But apparently that's different now. I should just trust*tears* Should I just trust him? I am so fricken messed up right now, I don't trust and part of that is the past lies. I really hate the drunk aspect even if he's not. Not to mention hello people slip stuff in drinks at bars. Man Here I go crying again. Let's move on to something else...:'(:'(
Oh the blood tests show I am not in menopause whew hoo, but she figures I am gearing up for menopuase and so yes have the symptoms and they will gradually get worse over the next 2 years :( :'(
Oh ya know growing up I always thought people were talking behind my back. I am sure my teen friends from school would remember that. It cause me to have many fights. I took that into adulthood cause I still think people do. Now I know that is somewhat of a bipolar issue, but it is also because I have have caught peoplke doing it but don't generally tell them, depending on the situation and who it is. Alot of times I will cry and then go see them later. My mom was famous for it and still is.Phil is famous for it.
I hate when I find out people who say encouraging things to my face really say not so nice things when their behind my back. One day I was laying in my bed and 2 people I care about had a good 10 min conversation about me and none of it was good. I just layed there and cried. I in that moment wanted to die.I felt so stupid and unwanted and lied to. I really feel like there is no one who thinks anything good about me.It hurt ALOT! I don't get why on earth I need to be living here on earth, what gives?
In my next life I wanna be a bear lol:)
"If it's what you love it's worth fighting for"-RG"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."-Bill Cosby"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."-Arnold H. Glasow MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............ Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Today Is ANother Day

2007-03-06T20:18:00.000-08:00

Today I did all the new questions on my Tickle account. That was fun, haven't done that for awhile and did my mood Swings thing. The answer was no surprise moody and down, gee omg really? noooooooooooooo...I have a doctors appointment tomorrow see what the blood tests say. Need to get some meds for bladder infection too odd to joy :PI made steak today with potatoes. I am guessing my potassium is low again because I am on a potatoe kick again. I don't get why I get low on potassium at times. But I do know I don't want to go and have an IV and I refuse to eat bananas so hopeful this potatoe thing is working. Soccer championships is this weekend. keep the positive thoughts that we kick some butt this weekend:) I also did a quiz on Chatelaine this was the result:Quiz: What’s your secret strength?You've got strengths that you don't even know about. Take this quiz and let your inner invincible woman fly you to new heights of success and confidenceBy Stacey S superpowers are:passionPassionLike a chili pepper, your intense red-hot energy kicks it up a notch. You are rarely reserved—instead, you let your emotions steer your big bold reactions. You are enthusiastic and exciting to be around, trusting the fire of your desire to lead you. Dedicated to living everything to the utmost, you give yourself wholeheartedly to the people and projects you believe in. Pump up your power Sure, some may struggle with your drama-mama tendencies, but many others will find all that out-in-the-open emotion intriguing and inspiring. Fan this flame. Take on various leadership roles and become a motivational maven.Superpower sucker When your mood turns stormy, let's face it, you can be a lot to handle. To avoid overwhelming others, keep one eye on the context and the other on your volume. Ending all your comments with exclamation marks isn't the only way to be heard. This is no surprise to me either is it it to any of you readers of my blogs? They said I could make it better if I added some flexibility, oh gee ya think? I guess I can at times be a little 2 faced. I don't like looking like a bitch in public but behind closed dooors yeah I can yell and say bad things, hurtful things. However I do HATE HURTING ANYONE, anyone who knows me I would hurt myself before I would hurt anyone else. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hurt deeply. It kills me to see anyone hurt. Always has and I know it always will. Being yelled at in publkic has always and will always bring tears and shame to me. That's all I will say about that for the moment!oh I am curious how people thing about women who get it on with guys who are just legal enough to sleep with. I myself have always always always been atractted to men my age or since about my 20's older men. The oldest being Doug who was 10yrs older than me. But I know people attracted to 19, 20 21 and say I don't know what I am missing, are they right? Cause my response was but my son is 16yrs old only 3 yrs younger. They said don't think of it like that. I mean I am not saying it's wrong either way I am just curious how many feel the same as the ones who have told me it's great?TO MY READERS AND THOSE WHO ANSWER MY BLOGS THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU DO TOUCH ME SO MUCH, YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH! IT'S NICE TO KNOW PEOPLE CARE I AM OUT HERE YA KNOW?

Trying To Be Alive...

2007-03-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I made cajun chicken, stuffing, potatoes and corn. Cleaned up my basement floor again. Folded up the blankets and put a load of laundry in the wash. I also had some fun with Sarah last night on FLIXTER. Seriously you can have some fun on that site doing the trivia with your kids as there is alot of kids movie trivia, teen movie trivia extra. We spent about an hour playing. You gotta check out the site and join here is my invite url: http://www.flixster.com/servlet/invite/6773521jiaABCm Today I made pork chops, potatoes, and corn and I picked up some pecan gooey buns for dessert. My brother was a bad boy he ate one before dinner. I cleaned up a big part of my bedroom and cleaned the inside of one of my shelving units in the livingroom. Called the school and got some forms for sports for next year. Also did some emailing with someone who is interested in starting a cheer group here in Victoria which would be awesome. I contacted her first as she does cheer in ontario.Also contacted a family member in ontario about family reunion next summer trying to organize that as I talked to my friend Barb/Phoenix and I have decided to go to visit her in New York next year. OMG I am so excited. I would like to try and see her for at least a week this year as well. I apparently need to get my passport done and then get some funds together and see if I can get s cheap flight there. Damn I wish I had more access to money:( I wish I could go now. I so badly just want to go away :'( I am so glad she is as excited about me coming out though as me wanting to come out. OMG she is so much fun to be around. BARB I MISS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU *jumps up and down* anyone wanna help me get out there? Man I would love ya forever seriously. I hate being poor :'(Oh man did ya see CSI NY with Criss Angel playing a Bad Magician that was so cool he did an awesome job. What I wouldn't do to see that man perform. He really is a wonderful illusionist. I talked to DJ for quite awhile today he made my mom cry yesterday. He really has turned a cold shoulder when it comes to my family. Even his friends apparently have commented on his harshness. Sometimes I really do contemplate on so many of the decisions I have made in my life. I also think about the things I want to say to Bryan about his son. He knows what he did but it was yrs ago, he was 17 hormoes make you do stupid things and I don't hate him for the past. It hurts it scarred me but DJ is a beautiful man and despite how he came into this world he is a part of Bryan and he looks like Bryan I see it and sometimes it's like looking right into Bryans eyes. I just feel like peace will never come until he faces his son at least for me. It's fun I can still remember every single moment and to this day almost puke and burst into tears if I can't escape hearing the song "we didn't start the fire" That song haunts me. I bet he doesn't even remember it. Anyhow I think alot about Bryan this time of year only because it's the turning of age for DJ. I've been told Bryan recently got married and his parents sold the restaurant and retired. I see they still live in the same house though as they always did. A beautiful house by the water. I still remember that place clearly as well:)Hmm got a movie on TV Looks good "Love Thy Neighbour" 2005 Alexandra Paul, Gary Hudson (Mystery, Suspense).The Show Cold Case last night where Lilly investigated a young mom being murdered after having her baby girl in an unwed home had me just crying my eyes out. I don't believe the girl who murdered her ended up being charged though but it wasn't very clear but if she was it would have been PTSD she didn't really know what she was doing. That was why I was crying. Those kinds of shows really get to me. Specially when they are so well acted out. I love that show :)Below are other sites I am on but they are up to you to join *hugs*http://ladyillusions.blogspot.comhttp://clearblogs.com/ladyillusions/http://www.buddy9.com/?49095 You can earn money just by having friends here cool place to check outhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816 One of the most popular sites on the net and even talked about big time on many TV shows and commercials. http://tagged.com/ladyillusions Tagged a site everyone seems to be on, I see alot of family has been joining, Phil and I are both on herehttp://www.obesityhelp.com/member/ladyillusions/ My weightloss surgery site ObesityHelp.com a site for people who have had or are considering weightloss surgeryhttp://www.i89.us/viewuser.php?uname=LadyIllusions A place where I can post my favorite link, I update this periodicallyhttp://www.frappr.com/ladyillusions Frappr a very cool site, lots of cool groups and maps and pictures, a huge amount of us are on this sitehttp://ladyillusions.multiply.com/ Multiply a very fastly growing site and quite a few of us are on it, tons of groups, pics ecthttp://ladyillusions.hi5.com Hi5 Another very popular site with videos, pics, blogs, groups ecthttp://360.yahoo.com/profile-9m_YOaA0baM_P7pVVe27Y_QSrgpu Yahoo 360http://ladyillusions.toadfire.com Toadfire.com a canadian site blog, very actively answeredhttp://yourladyillusions.spaces.live.com MSN Spacehttp://www.friendster.com/91253 Friendsterhttp://LadyIllusions.bebo.com/ Bebo A nice little site with quite a few things being added quite a bit and lastlyhttp://ladyillusions.livejournal.com/ Livejournal my friends and I have been on this site for years:)K I am Off:) the text quoted here automatically.

Join My Website

2007-03-04T23:34:00.001-08:00

I'm a CARE Corps Online virtual volunteer.Please visit my Web page athttps://my.care.org/care/advocacy/tenderone-623501 and show yoursupport on behalf of CARE. The fight against poverty can't be won alone, so I invite you tojoin me in taking action on some issues that are very importantto me. Please feel free to pass this message along to any of yourfriends who might also be interested.Sincerely,Angela MacRaeVisit my personal page at:https://my.care.org/care/advocacy/tenderone-623501

Maybe Coming To?

2007-03-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

Well I am writing this on Mar 3 and today was a long assed day. Considering I have not really slept. Phil and I spent alot of the night fighting. Then I had to stay up to go to the soccer game. Wow those girls played so well and so hard, that other team needed to be taught how to play for sportsmanship not to hurt people to win is all I have to say. It was nice being at the game but I kinda felt like an outsider around the other parents and they have by the way it sounded and looked money I could only hope to have, and my girls dad only has cause he gets it from mommy and daddy. who needs a sugar momma or dadda huh? I've never had one of those, but I do seem to know quite a few who found their money pockets. Some I think more money than love which is sad isn't it?
Ok I really could give two cripes about what people say but I truly believe Anna Nicole loved her husband and not his money. Hi he found her, she was a playmate for goodness sake she could have her pick, she knew Heffner hello?????? Is everyone stupid? You know she is just better off from her small time past and people were envious and jealous. If you have to belittle her to feel better have at her. Rest in Peace dear sweet lady and may your mother trip off a cliff if she continues to try and desicrate you by digging you and your son up. Soon Anna soon all this will be over and the angels will be all that is remembered.
So I lost my engagement ring, almost lost my other diamond ring too, what the heck? Can my fingers get any fricker smaller? my engagement ring was already a size 4. At 16 my finger was a 5, hello?
Oh I am curious has anyone ever heard of anyone having the symptom of smelling blood on a consistent basis but there is none? Also someone who has always had perfect skin for the most part having bumps appear on the chin along with a dry rash and sometimes itching only on the chin. cutting open the bumps results in a small tiny like pebble and clear fluid being released. Only to grow back within a couple of days? Painful as well? If you have any known reason for what this may be?
Is there anyone else out there who collects the "CLAIRES" trinket boxes they have been putting out for at least a few years? I been collecting them since they started with 90%angel and last year got every box but one, I am so choked. I had missed 2 but one of the store girls gave me hers. Which rocked. Just curious if anyone else has them like me might have the one I might be missing. Some months I buy a few because they relate to my girls. Actually my nephew I gave him my frog one so I replaced it:)
I am not sure what is going on with Brittney Spears but I have to say I do feel for her. I really hope she now gets the help she needs. I think she just had too much too fast and she broke. Different people can take so much right? For those kids of hers I hope she gets well soon. MY thoughts are with her and her family.
Anyhow I will go, this is almost a normal post huh? LOL
I wanna say thanks to my brother for standing behind me when I broke and you know I will break again. Thanks to Sherri for sticking me out all these years. She is the one friend I have known since I was in elementary school. now she has seen some crap:) Lin for still being there to reach out to, and Doug for putting up with me when I get impatient with you, your friendship means alot!
K I am off to watch America Justice :)

So What Happened

2007-02-28T21:58:00.001-08:00

So what happened you ask? Well Saturday started out great. Went to my daughters soccer game, got to spend the day with her and my nephew. Even got to see my son. My daughter and I got our hair done together it was just good fun and all in all it was an ok day. But yeah most of you guessed right I was left alone all night for a drunk party with drinking games, and then got huh a new cell phone the next day is it just me or would you think that was a gift out of guilt? Yeah I said don't come home cause I asked you to come home because you want to. But apparently a bunch of drunk chicks is more important.
Oh but that's just the beginning oh yes I got tag teamed oh yeah someone else decided to let me know I am just lower than dirt and not worthy of scheduled time and plans , even though for them they have never had problems having others arrange around their schedule. I guess I was feeling really vulnerable because for the next few days I pretty much had a big breakdown and apparently went somewhat catanoic. Just lost any words any thoughts. I just shut down.
Today is the first day I have been up and normal again.
A person can only take so much before they break. I still feel so hurt and betrayed. But whatever. I now know how worthy I really am right?
Tomorrow is March and snow is falling. Life brings unexpected things and you just gotta take the rolls with the punches. This is the first time I seen my brother so worried about me though. I hate that I worried him because I let a couple of people hurt me so deeply, I am glad he somewhat snapped me out of it and I see the dr again next week....

Every Damn Time

2007-02-24T20:13:00.000-08:00

Everytime I feel like the world is a sunnier place, like life just can't go any place but up. Like you can't do anything to hurt me anymore and I will smile despite anything, you always widdle me down. You work on me like a piece of dried up wood and chip away at me until you see there is nothing I can do to fight the knife that carves into me. I close my eyes and feel disgust with rememberance of the things I have let you do to me. So much anger I cannot cry. Not that my tears matter they are yopur trophies anyway and you don't deserve them. Once again you have left me curled up alone and in agony. Left in the dark with my thoughts and you out enjoying the laughter of my pain. I HATE YOU!!! dON'T YOU DARE READ THIS AND CLAIM YOU DON'T KNOW THE GAME YOUR PLAYING AND HAVE PLAYED, THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE, You know. You think your so smooth like the world is wrapped around your story of truth. God you deserve an oscar, you really do. For no one plays the part as well as you. The blade doesn't have much further to go and you'll have it all and no one will question if it was something you did, what a joke, I so fucking hate you, I HATE YOU and everything I let you get away with, God I hate you!

Life Is On The Up

2007-02-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

Isn't it funny how life has such up and downs? I mean life seems so wierd for as of late. I am so feeling on a natural high the last few days. I can't stop smiling. I am not totally out of my funk but definetly have a reason to smile :) I feel good inside.
God I even had a nasty fight with Phil earlier and I still got this feel good feeling inside. I can't shake it. Sure I felt bad for the moment we fought but I am over that moment and feel good again. It's like the sun is coming back around where dark clouds hung over me.
Scared though I will loose this good feeling. I forgot how this felt. Makes me want to cry thinking of loosing this feeling again. I admit I been bad about taking my meds too. I am not thinking as clearly, thoughts are rushing together and I am not being as rashional in my thought process. Pretty much everyone has noticed the days I didn't take my meds. I talk faster, I am rushed I am not my calmer more rational self. I am going to have to take them and I know that.
I got tested the other day for hormone levels the doctor thinks that yes I may be entering early menopause. Which so very much sucks. I don't want to take hormones. Thus why I made her do blood tests. I go back in about a week and a half. It is not something we would be surprised about I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and my mother and grandmothers went into early menopause, so grrrrrr. I do not see though a rational of using horse urine for hormone replacement. My doctor says there is other options so we will discuss it all when I go back in.
I got a rose today from Phil. Which is hilarious cause I had just told Doug about how I am always buying myself flowers because no one ever buys me flowers. Phil is not a romantic type and I have had to learn to accept that. But I was happy to get a beautiful red rose today when he got home from work. He also finally went to see his neice today. I have been on his case to see her on a daily basis. Just bothered me so much that he had not gone to see her. Even had me crying begging him to please go see her. I admit I have not seen her, have seen her beautiful pictures but is still hard for me to be around babies. Phil said he would understand it if I lost my own baby but Alden was not mine. Still I have for the most part moved on in life but those first moments holding babies is still a little hard for me. I imagine it always will be, I imagine more with girls than boys.
I saw DJ on his bday got him McDonalds. Did not see him for very long but was nice to see him for those moments and to buy him that and to see him wearing what I bought him:)
Anyhow pretty happy right now:)
I am also curious those of you out there who are also bi-polar have you done the Myers Briggs Test? In an online support group I am on many of us, most of us have scored as INFP and some ENFP. Oddly enough most of the time I was ENFP but am now INFP. So am curious are there more of you out there? Speak up I am so curious. This is a post I wrote to the group feel free to answer it:
I used to be extremely ENFP but now test INFP as well. It really does beg to wonder if it does have something to do with being BP
I also have a question about meds. Is anyone close to being on the meds I am on? I take 60mg of celexa, 150mg of topimax, 15mg of zopiclone, & 500 mg oferoquel a day. It's broke up throught the day in bubble packs. Now I am having trouble with sleep I am tired sometimes for days then can't sleep for days. They are also testing me for early menopause and want to add me onto hormones and I am concerned about that. Anyone else out there that can tell me if they are in the same prediciment?
Angela
Victoria BC Canada
Before I go once again here is my favorite quotes with some new added ones. I do have to say I been getting alot of quotes from the show "CRIMINAL MINDS" it is one of my favorite parts of the show. I love the show too it rocks but I love the quotes:)Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousFamily is not an important thing, it's everything. Michael J. Fox Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert PinesIf there must be trouble let it be in my day, that my child may have peace.-Thomas PaineHe who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes. Buddha Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. Mother Teresa don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support. Anna Nicole Smith
Off for now peoples....

Did The Idiot Have His Eyes Shut?

2007-02-20T00:48:00.000-08:00

I am so damned pissed right now. I wonder how often this happens. I am 34yrs old and I get what my kids call granny packages. My meds are put out in weekly packages and the pharmascist puts them in daily bubble packs and breaks each pill into it's package. Well the idiot who put this weeks together put pills where they didn't belong and even beyond that forgot to add my meds that help me FUCKING SLEEP! Am I pissed yes just a little bit. Did the guy fricken close his eyes as he did it? I mean all the meds are marked right on the top package. Old people might just take it and think something isn't quite right. Me I am not so nice. Trust me I will not be a happy camper when I see the pharmascist tomorrow!!! IDIOT!!!! I saw Doug today and fricken crazy lady Penny interrupts our nice conversation. She better watch herself because I tried to call her she is damned lucky she never answered that phone because I had more than a few words to say to her and I am more than ready to kick her motherfuckin ass!!! Get it through your head bitch he wants nothing to do with you. He despises the looks and sounds of you Penelope so fuck off before I make you fuck off. Don't cross me bitch! Really when you start stalking a guy and leaving messages like "you'll be sorry" she actually said that in her high pitched horrific voice, I wanted nothing more than to show her who will be sorry. I am sick of women treating him like a fucking doormat. Like he thinks he has to join a gym work out kill himself so he can take pictures to send these bitches of his built body. Get over it. They don't deserve you seriously.I saw a pic of Cindy. She's pretty, pretty in his past. Another one I would like to tell where therefore. God he can be really cold the things he says about chicks when he doesn't like them anymore.What I don't get is why Kath is giving him the cold shoulder I mean how do you turn on someone who stuck by you over so many many many years. I don't think that will last. The pic he has of her is pretty too. God he has a soap opera of life going on around him it's hard to believe he is going on 45yrs old. Was nice to see him though and I have really enjoyed our conversations as of late. He gets me and he listens to me and he doesn't make me feel stupid and it was nice to hear him tell me I looked real pretty today. I shouldn't have said I didn't feel pretty but I don't feel very pretty anymore. Phil is frustrated his work hours are cut down. He is wanting to work more. He seems to be a little more clingy as of late. I am not sure what to think. One minute I feel like I am fungas to him, the next he tells me he loves me. I just never know how to be around him. It always feels more aqward than natural as of late. He just seems to dislike so much about me, and then in the same breathe says I love you. Love what, what about me you hate do you love? I had a talk with my brother tonight. He pointed out to me that I used men as a drug and the hyperness at one point as a drug and the attention with friends as a drug and it wore off and now I have lost what I had found as a drug. That's why I am letting life pass me by and if I keep going the way I am I will die from the inside out and it will be a long painful drawnout death and that is what he sees for me right now if I don't find something to grab onto. Everything before was all a drug and this right now is a sort of drug but I have held onto alot I can pull up at any minute or time a hurt or past thing and feel it like that moment and when I get mad at teachers it's not the kids teacher but my past teachers. I admit that is somewhat true. He also pointed out some of the ways I am with my daughter and I reneed to think how I say things to her and about her and around her. It's easy to say it hard to change it. I want to change it. Doug said I am much more subdued and not bubbly anymore, everyone says that. Hard when your told how horrible you are daily. Really is. However I grew up hearing it and managed to do it. I don't know, I know I do angry the best. I do sad real well. I hurt deep and I envy those who don't but I can't figure out how you all get past that hurt and sad feeling, that would fix everything...

Competition Among The Young

2007-02-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

You find it so hard to watch your children in some situations. You try to make sports fun. But even in making it fun it still find hurt and you just want to fix it for them. It not only hurts them it hurts the parents who watch the kids hurt. It hurts more when they are told oh we will do this for you, and you are guaranteed to get this and be here and oh no you didn't or no there had to be a change and the saddeness that comes over them. You try to pick up their broken hearts. You try to tell them next time but when next time keeps coming and they fail again where do you go from there?
Sports is competitive there just is no way around it. In soccer there is even levels, gold the best, silver and then bronze. I did not know about gold until we already had my daughter signed up. This summer we are going for gold because it's what she wants, but part of me fears that rejection. She was sure she was playing gold for last competitions but she got put on silver and she is so upset because she was told she was being recommended for gold.
I don't know if it was just the way I played sports when I was younger or if things have really changed but I don't remember things being so hard and competitive when it's supposed to just be fun.
My other daughter feels so let down because they worked their butts off for cheerleading competition and got all their tumble routines done right and still got 4th place when they did worse last time and were higher placed. Apparently different people judging. Some judges are harder than others. In cheerleading I think it's harsh. I don't remember our cheerleaders having it so strict. She can't cut her hair, has to have no real colouring to her hair. No piercings. No nail polish no nothing pretty much. Every little thing wrong with them causes deductions in their scores. Some coaches are really harsh some are a little less but still way more strict then I remember and the cost is over the roof.
I went to Widdifield High I believe our school had something like 35 cheerleaders on our team. Out here in BC cheerleading is a recreational thing. It is not something schools are really involved with. Which I find so sad. I think it would have done alot for her to have that at school.
Her sister is lucky because she is a major jock she is on the track and field and basketball and soccer team. The teachers ask her to do artwork for things. Jocks generally will always have a groupie of friends. My cheerleader is much less personality then her. She is really struggling at her fathers and I am seriously considering bringing her back home. I told her we will see how the summer goes.
DJ is just a natural friend of everyone. Never been into sports. Always hoped he would be. His dad was a jock. Just not that type of boy. He is a gamer and a techie more a gamer. He likes movies and games. He is awesome with kids. So proud of him making leader this summer. So so proud. His dad worked at summer camps too so it's one thing he would have in common with Bryan. He though has always made friends wherever he has gone, never had a problem making friends. He loves to laugh and have fun and he can be deep when needed. He thinks ALOT! I think he will be a really wonderful adult. I can see how much he's grown just in the past year. He's not a little boy anymore. Hard to believe in 2 days he will be 16yrs on the 20th:) The year of learning to drive I told him:)
So I really am curious how do other parents deal with their kids and competition? How do you hide your own heartache and help them with yours? Sometimes I want to scream and say wtf? I have had to seperate myself and let Phil go with Sarah to soccer. I do get rather worked up. So they have that as a bond. But even with that I still get worked up. Hearing either of my girls disappointment and feeling like the coaches aren't doing them right it hurts and I really do suffer with keeping my mouth shut. I have however took it out on Phil. It's not fair to do that but I can get mad about it to him and get mad when he sticks up for the reasons. I mean he gets upset too but he does try to see the reason behind it and I use that to pounce on him. I know I am doing it when I am doing it but I just feel so frustrated.
With the schools when things happen I am the parent that the teachers get to know real well. I can be their nightmare. My kids have even said ok mom backoff, enough. I don't think enough people take the crap that happens at school seriously. I had alot happen to me at school and I have alot of anger and resentment and still can cry about certain events and I will NEVER allow that shit to happen to my kids. Some teachers think they are entailed to the world. Not with my kids, not with me around. Phil fights with me about that too. He thinks I am too hard on the teachers. But I don't care, no one will ever do what they did to me or my brother for that matter. Mr.Lisk he did something to me that took me years to talk about and wh3en I finally did I cried and cried and cried. I despise him and what he did was abuse.
There need to be more teachers like Mrs.Yates, and Mrs.White two of my favorite teachers in school. Mr.Lisk, Mr.Mosier both military school teachers in Kingston Ontario were bad teachers but Mr.Lisk what he got away with I am still scarred with and I still cry about and I am now 34 that was grade 4 or 5. It was an abuse of power I hate him!!! K I gotta go now am crying...

Anna Nicole Smith

2007-02-14T16:06:00.000-08:00

Please someone tell me they are as sick of Anna's mother as I am. I swear to God the woman is just so damn happy to have her little girl dead. Now she can do what she couldn't when she was alive. Who the hell does she think she is fucking fooling? Not only that but why the hell are the media giving her the pulpit to do it on? Anytime they do get a strong point in Anna's favour with her mother, her mother strikes back with she was on drugs and we were talking blah blah blah. What a crock of shit!!! Her mother needs to crawl back into the hole she came out of. Who does she think she is fooling? We all see what your after woman, seriously!!! I started shaking today when I heard her mother is trying to get claim to Anna's body and have her buried in Texas. What the hell is wrong with her. Let her be buried in the bahamas, let her be buried next to Daniel. I think she only wants to bury Anna in Texas sheerly out of SPITE! That is a sick sick woman! I am very glad that Howard is keeping Danny Lynn from her and I hope he keeps her from her FOREVER!
I am not a huge fan of his and I think there may be some truth to what some people have said about him, but if he is the only one who will keep that precious little girl away from that wicked witch Virgie then I hope for him to be proven to be the real father.
I cannot believe all these men coming out to say they could be the dad. Wouldn't it be something if none of them turned out to be her dad. Wouldn't it just blow everyone's minds if it turned out to be Daniel's child and that is what led to this tragic string of events. That would be so very very sad in so many ways :'(
We can only use our imaginations based on what we have seen in magazines, TV, and news though right. I mean we only get the parts of the story that they open up to us. Still I think Anna would hate what her mother is trying to do right now and I believe her mother knows that and it only makes her want to do more, that's my take.
I did write Rita Crosby today at MSNBC and this is what I wrote:
"I am deeply deeply deeply saddened by the loss the world has had in losing Anna Nicole Smith. I think she was a natural beauty and had alot of real strengths.The crap being spewed from people's mouths both by so called family friends and of course some media is deeply offense to me. However that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this because I am curious as to why no one has questioned if the father could have been her own son? I mean we hear over and over that they had an overly close relationship, maybe a little too close. I hate even thinking it could have happened but these things have been known to happen.
Perhaps Daniel could not handle that secret, maybe it was too much and he took his life. I've also had the thought that perhaps Howard found out and held it over their heads. Perhaps it was too much for Daniel and Anna, ormaybe what some are saying is true Howard did play a hand in their last moments in life. I really don't think it is that far off to speculate that this could have happened. I am just wondering why no one else has thought about this and brought it out into the open. I do think if it did turn out to be true Daniel was the father Howard knew/knows and it got him where he is today.
I am not saying that cause I don't like him either. I mean I would love him to turn out to be that father becauseI think it is absolute crap that Anna's mother get anywhere near Danny. The lady is still bad mouthing her daughter. Anytime she is asked about having rights or asked a tough question she throws out the fact Anna was on drugs. She expects us to believe Anna was calling her ect. Hogwash what a load. I have actually cried over watching people do that to Anna. May she rest in peace God Bless her soul.
One more thing that also I find interesting is that Anna gave her baby her son's namesake. Once again I ask why is no one asking the question could he be the dad?
Anyhow thanks for reading this and God bless Anna and Daniel and may Danny know who her daddy is real soon:)
Your awesome RITA"

LOST:myself known as Angela aka:LadyIllusions

2007-02-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

If found please return as personality is dearly missed. You will know her by her bubbly, very outgoing personality. Always the one talking and the one who predicts children who are to be. Is a scorpio and loves the colours red, black and burgandy. Was found to be strongly ENFP on the myers Briggs tests and also Concrete Random and Abstract Random. Loves to be amongst her friends and shopping. Is always on the phone, or gabbing on IM's. A total flirt without trying. Loves to dress alluringly and casually. Does have bouts of depression but can usually snap out of it amongst her many friends.
Last seen 3-4 years ago in the Victoria BC area. Sadly missed and not sure how to get her back. Perhaps needs a friendship intervention. If found please return, thanks :) Her friends are missed too, household is an eary quiet unless there is fighting and yelling, so seeing this again would be wonderful!
So Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Doesn't look like there was an overdose which I would refuse to believe she did anyhow. I am horrified that so many close to her have said they are shocked but not surprised. Also saying she was a little hoare and all kinds of nasty things about her. How dare they speak ill of the dead? I believe she loved the men in her life. I know she loved her kids. I believe in my heart that Daniel and her death is linked together. If all 3 of these guys claiming to be Danny Lynn's dad prove not to be, I have this thought that keeps going through my mind. I don't want to think it and I love her dearly but is it possible she crossed the line with her son and Danny might be his? I mean they were so close and maybe just maybe an accident happened. Maybe it was too much for him to handle he couldn't take it. God makes me want to cry to say that. I have not heard any media say that so it's probably just me watching too many soaps. I know she loved Daniel so much. I am glad she is in heaven with her baby boy. I just feel so bad for her daughter Danny Lynn. I am glad Howard is saying he won't let Anna's mom get near her as long as he is living and breathing. Some media think he should. Hello are you fricken nuts? She was horrible to Anna and they were estranged. WHY IN HELL'S NAME SHOULD THAT WOMAN GET ANYTHING FROM HER? Hearing the thought of her getting to Danny makes me cry till my eyes are red. It's not right. She has always and now still is trying to get notariety off her daughters name, screw you woman. Let her be let her rest, PLEASE! There is in memory of Anna http://www.annanicole.com and you can leave remarks to the family in the guestbook online at http://www.legacy.com look up Anna Nicole Smith. We lost an angel in Anna. I have cried so much since I found out she died. I wish people would stop saying mean things about her. She's dead now why can't they just leave her alone?
Phil still has still not gone to see his neice. I have gotten into it with him a few times now about him going to see Aryanna. I never got to see my neice before she died I don't get why he wouldn't rush to see her. I know he's angry I can't have his kid. So so so angry. He hates me for it. What can I do though? I hate that I can't give him that and when he cuts into me about it I just feel so incomplete and unworthy of him.
I see my doctor on the 19th. I am asking her to do a blood test to check my hormone levels. It appears I may be going into early menopause. That is what is causing so many of these symptoms right now. The ones I hate most is the constantly being hot, the muscle pain, and the insomnia. This last 3 days I am lucky to have gotten 3-4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes are so dry and sore. It sucks. I take sedatives good sedatives and even they are not helping!Which reminds me if you were incapacitated either by meds or drinking ect do you think it's alright for your significant other to be with you sexually? Would that answer vary if the person who is incapacitated wanted it but didn't remember wanting it the next day? I have a sedative that I don't remember the next day what happened after I took it. Zopiclone. I watched a show where some guy was using it as a date rape drug. It is a sedative but in some people it causes temporary memory loss. I am just curious on the morality of peoples thoughts. It would be great if you would take a moment and answer that for me :)
I have great news. I saw DJ he was here for a few hours. He even let me take pictures. He took his sister to the movies and dinner. We supplied the money. I mean you can still feel the strain but you have no idea how happy I am to have been close to my baby boy. I don't know what it is. This bond I have with DJ is different than the bond I have with the girls. Maybe it's cause he was my first, almost died and he's my only son. I just love him so much and I worry about him. He's a good boy and a smart boy and very good looking.
My girls I have a bond too. Actually everyone thinks I favour Sarah. I am very protective of her, but my family and Michael's family don't give her the attention they give to Mary, so I feel like I have to make up for what she lacks from them. Mary is the one I have the hardest time with. She likes to smother people to death. I hate being smothered by anyone. I feel like I can't breathe. Even the guys I have been with I hate being smothered. I need my space. I think I push Phil away alot actually he seems to pick the worst times to want to pull me close and I feel like my skin is crawling. Which of course starts war. There's been so many times where I was needing to be close but I will ask him to come here and usually he will yell why and that busts the mood and I go to bed.
I talked to Doug the other night. I actually hung up the phone in tears. I am so fricken sick of women treating men like they are next weeks garbage. He is back in the gym busting his fricken butt to be a "GOD" because all women see is him being short, fat and bald. He is 44yrs old. Trust me he is nicely built and he is not ugly another thing he gets called. Cindy pulled a real shit ass game on him and she is lucky I don't hunt her down and kick her ass. The same shit happens to Phil. Phil right now is on a huge weightloss kick, buying a whole new wardrobe, got his hair cut, and is always out. He has to do all that to get girls to look at him. See me I could give 2 shits. I fall for someone who can make me laugh, intrigue me. Carry on a conversation-seriously!
I really miss the days when I always had somewhere to go, friends to call on, didn't feel stupid and belittled. *tears* I can't help everyday wondering who really needs me here anymore? I am so damn tired of crying by myself. Feeling so all alone. I hide out in my room and just think, think, think, think, think. I wish there was something that could make me stop thinking. I wish I could be my happy, bubbly self again. If I try to talk to Phil sometimes he listens but usually it gets to the point where he says in a little louder voice "OK OK OK" which is code for shut up. I am too excitable and I go on about my interests too much and so I have tried to train myself to hold back. I hate it when I forget and I start to get excited, because inevitably I will hear "OK OK OK". Then I feel stupid and ashamed and like once again I was out of control, and if I haven't already I will look to see if I had taken my shut up pills. That's what I call them. Cause I have to take my meds 4 times a day. I usually get excitable if I forgot to take them. So I apologize and say sorry I will go take my shut up pills now. *tears* :'(
Anyhow off for now

A Mixed Up Potful Of Thoughts

2007-02-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

So a beautiful little girl has been born to Colin and Nikki. Arianna. Congradulations of having a new neice goes out to Crystal, Desiree, Colleen, JC, Rick, Liz, and Phil. Congradulations on being a grandparent to Anne, John and Liz:) Enjoy this beautiful new little girl in your lives.
Another surgery is upcoming for Phil's dad he will once again need the angels to surround him and prayers to surround him in white light on March 23rd. He is a good man and we want him to come through this well, he is a very strpongly loved man.
I have a hard time being around babies, I get flashbacks to my neice. My brother lost her to SIDS and I never got to see her alive. I saw her for the first time in a casket and held her in my arms cold. It is something I have a hard time not flashing back to when I see tiny babies. It has gotten easier over time but still hard for me and I tend to avoid the scenerio if I can which I am sure others don't really understand.
I also have a hard time seeing sick children at any age. Even on TV I will cry to almost puking kind of crying. My son was very ill as a baby. Doctors wouldn't listen to me until he almost died, at 3 weeks of age they finally kept him when he stop breathing in front of the doctor. They phoned that night and said he wouldn't make it through the night. I will never forget seeing him hooked up to tubes and tied down and them rushing him off to Children's Hospital. I was still a kid myself. I was a teen mother. I refused to go with him, I couldn't handle watching him die on me. He was in hospital over 2 months, spent his first mothers day and Easter in hospital. He is now a huge remarkably healthy young man. I hated his dad Bryan and his family they hung up on us when we asked for their medical family history. His mom did call to say asthma was in the family though. I couldn't believe they were so cold.
I was not the easiest teen to have. I didn't drink or do drugs but I sure hung out with the guys who did. I was not a slut but people sure thought I was and was called as such :( Highschool does not hold alot of good memories for me. I wouldn't redo highschool for anything. My first suicide attempt was at 16. I overdosed on nytol sleeping pills. I wanted my mother to listen to me and she wouldn't, I told her I would kill myself she said go right ahead so that's what I did. It was not a pleasant experience. My dad ripped me apart. After that I went to live with my grandmother for a bit. But then my mom guilted me to go back home which is not what I wanted to do I hated it there. I was happy at that time though cause I had Kevin. The one and only guy I felt treated me so good. I really truly loved him. I was ripped apart when his dad sent him back to Newfoundland with his mother. We even tried to get pregnant so we wouldn't have to be seperated but it never worked.
Bryan came along after that. Oddly enough my parents liked him. I had dumped him because he made moves I didn't want. But he swore he wouldn't do that again. I finally gave in and went out with him again. Not long after my whole life was changed because I got pregnant with my son. Bryan got to go on in his life he went to study in France for a year. Me my dad kicked me out onto the street. Funny how one night can change a persons whole life. Yeah that's right one night....
Anyways yeah I do have a huge hard time letting go of the past. My kids know that, my brother bugs me about that and Phil hates that. I can remember conversations from years ago word for word and what I wish I would have said or done. I can still cry about it, get angry about it, feel each and every emotion. Apparently it's normal for bipolar people to do this. I hate it. It would be great if I could forget everything like I do the huge traumas I have been able to black out. Cause I do have big missing chunks missing from my life and sometimes I despise that, but maybe knowing what I know it's better that way :)
Oh I was told last night that Bryan was recently married and his parents Don and Mary recently sold their business and retired. Wow must be nice huh? I was telling my mom last night about this ring I remember Bryan having. It was a gold ring with I believe a blue stone his dad had given it to him because he thought he might like it. Wouldn't it be great if he finally met with DJ and passed it down to him? I have always made sure DJ knew Bryan was his dad. I never wanted my kids to think of anyone as their dad but their own dad. I just think it is wrong to do so. He looks just like his dad too, I have always told him that. I tell him people think he looks like me but if they saw him and Bryan they would see how remarkably he looks like his dad :)
I was so choked Criminal Minds I watched on the weekend part one of Revelations and was supposed to be part 2 on tuesday and it didn't come back on till wednesday. OMG I was NOT HAPPY! I have to say that was the best Episode of CRIMINAL MINDS I have seen yet! Thanks so much for making it. OMG I was so shocked to realize what was going on at the end of part 1. You so have to check it out.
I am so far very disappointed with Dr.Phil their 5 part series on MAN CAMP in the Dr.Phil House. 2 parts so far and all I have seen is more damage than good. Like seriously. I see divorce coming for 2 couples instead of help. Like OMG it is so bad. How is this helping cause I don't see it.
I took my daughter years ago to Jenny Jones for Boot Camp, that was pretty much a joke. It really didn't do much. All it does is get them ratings. I mean they didn't go to bootcamp and if you want them to go to bootcamp you had to pay thousands to send them. Its pretty much come on the show tell your story make it look good and then leave and never hear back! Yeah thanks for the help-NOT!
I won a makeover on a show here locally. I got to go to Aveda I believe it's called. They cut off all my hair and coloured it and did my makeup. That was kinda cool. I really need a full makeover though and don't really want to have my haircut all off :'( What I would really love is a mother daughter makeover, that would be such a great bonding experience :)
I watched an Episode of Touched By An Angel that guest starred one of my favorite singers Wynonna Judd she sang a song on the show they called the 151st Psalm I want that song and I want it sung by her. That show had me crying all the way through it. Was so so so hard to watch!
I also watched A Movie On IFC channel Called SOCIETY'S CHILD(2001) Starring Jessica Steen and Kyley Statham(Drama, 95 mins) About a Girl and her mother who get a close bond because the daughter has Rett Syndrome. Apparently only found in girls and not yet found to have a cure. I want to know more about this. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have something like Rett's. It was an eye opening movie
A documentary done by MSNBC that is interesting called THE FACE IN THE MIRROR is very interesting as well. About a guy and his twin who were medically mistreated. There is also a book The True Story of John/Joan his brother ended up killing himself from depression overdosing on his antidepressants I believe in 2001. I discussed that with Phil one day. I find it somewhat interesting that antidepressants can kill a depressed person. I always read the sheets that come with the meds and I noticed that my one med actually says an overdose will cause one to go into acoma and can potential kill. Well what a thing to give someone who is suicidal. A sheet telling them if you want to die just swallow all these pills and you will probably succeed. How bout that?
I have made the comment God doesn't want me and neither does satan. I have tried suicide so many times and it never has worked. God even taking 200 T1's and 50 gravol all that did was make me sick and I never went to hospital. Several times I have done shit like that. I have marks from cutting myself when younger. I have been pumped and stitched. I have had that stupid syrup of ipacac too much. I just seem to be like a timex I take a lickin and keep on tickin. Go fricken figure. Obviously something is meant for me to fulfill here. ALthough I can't see what that could possibly be
Oh man last night I watched another documentary about tattoos Paul Booth rocks so much. It's no surprise he has a 2 year waiting list. He works in New York City too. There is a tat I would specifically love him to do but man like I would ever get that lucky to have him do a tat for me :"(
Bruce Kaplan He's a pretty sexy Tattoo artist too huh? Yummy:)
I have something to say about the stupid munchems commercials STOP THE STUPID COMMERCIALS I SEE EVERY SINGLE THING!!!!! Whole man am I the only person who thinks it is stupid? http://www.munchemsmagic.ca
Oh I also say screw you to the degree little black dress approved commercials. I am tired of them putting down Secret. I use Secret Platinum lavendar splash and it is the only stuff I will use. It is even gynecologist tested from what I understand. I get no white marks either. I never felt dry in degree, sorry!
When it comes to makeup, the only makeup I use is covergirl. They were the first ones to have lipstick that stuck for hours. I have been stuck to that lipstick since and I use only them for everything else. I am your true easy breezy beautiful coveer girl
.I did a whole bunch of laundry and my brother was like so pro about it. Phil was too and then he got all on me for Sarah having too many clothes and he just went on and on I told him to shut up a few times. Then the next day he does it again. I tell him to shut up again. I later cry and think to myself what the hell was the point? Why do I bother, I should of just left it!Just me and Sarah again right now. I am so used to be alone now a days. Oh he lost his contract at work today, so he is not sure when or what his next one is. Oh and last night he got on my case because both his brothers have a kid and his sister has a kid and I don't love him enough to give him a kid. Uhm I had a partial hysterectomy. I have ovaries and I hear they are still viable but what the hell am I supposed to do. I told him fucking cut me open then and take them, go make babies with Ashley I don't care. I was fixed years before I met him. All my kids were high risk. He says I won't have his kid cause I am a bitch and don't love him. It rips me apart. How do I make a baby from thin air? He makes me feel incomplete as a woman. I should have never gotten fixed. I should have suffered with the endometriosis. He deserves to have his own child. But how do I do that?
Man I am so tired right now and feeling so weak and my legs are still so sore and stiff. Knees down and feet are so stiff. like I stretch them and stretch out my toes and curl them and it still is so umfortable. I hate it!

Forgotten What Happiness Is

2007-02-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

Before I begin I have to say Phil about freaks on me for every entry I put in here. He says my entries are warped and one sided. Well hmmm considering it is how I feel and think it should be one sided. I can't begin to think for others now very well can I? Pretty sure everyone writes from their point of view. I write from exactly how I see it and feel it and if he doesn't like it maybe he should rethink how he is with me. We talked the other night. I told him I do believe he knows love, oh he does. He loves his transformers. He commits each one to memory he never complains about their cost and upkeep. He dedicates time to them each and every day. They are in his heart, his mind his life. That is love. He truly loves his transformers more than I have seen him commit love to anyone or anything else. In fact yesterday he bought another transformer without a second thought. I even failed myself and bought him two tiny classics the other day. I know I know I swore I wouldn't. But it's the only time I see his eyes light up and he is so happy and there was only one of each of them. I should have stayed away from them. I was doing so good. I put them down 4 times before finally giving in. I had 3 but bought 2. He is really into collecting the classics. The movie comes out this summer man the colling is going to go crazy then. I got him the movie optimus for christmas. I think it says 6 things and I believe it is a classic but I am not quite sure.
I got a shirt that has grumpy bear on it says get off my cloud:) I love grumpy bear I want one but we can't seem to locate one in any of the stores, like do they have something against grumpy bear or what? I want to find the lamb friend too for my daughter cause I collect lambs for her, ya know for the name Mary had a little lamb. I got her one lamb that is a little girl dressed up as a lamb that sings the song. LOL it's kinda creepy:) It's not easy to find lambs they are easier to find around easter,m the rest of the year they kind of disappear. I wish I could find her a kitchen and bedroom set for her hopechest:(
Sarah collects soccer stuff she has some pretty rare soccer stuff, as if I see something different I buy it if I have it because soccer stuff tends to disappear quite quickly. DJ used to like Bob Marley stuff but not sure if he still does.
I collect pushback buttons and pins and have been collecting them since I was in grade 3 I have lots from all over canada, parts of the USA and England London. I wish I could get alot more. I mean it's cheap for people to gert them for me, most places have them free somewhere. Or a couple of bucks. I also collect victorian stuff, vampire stuff, skulls, I have one of each of the characters I like except I have a few left like grumpy bear, the grinch and a few others. I like to do felt posters. I love cameos but am more interested in the blkack and white ones which I am having a lot harder time finding I like the smaller ones. I really really really really want a black and white ring a small one and even on ebay have not found one:(I had earing but when Phil moved out he "lost" them I was so upset I am still hurt deeply over that those earing meant the world to me they were white gold black and white small cameo earing and he "lost" them :'( I never got over that and never will :'( still makes me cry. We waited so long for them to come in Man I miss those earings :'(
Friday I went out alone. Yep alone. Oh man I was so wet and soaked, I felt like the world was all closed in but I did it. I did it to go get DJ's special bday gift. I had to go pick it up from being done. I so hope he will love his gift. I miss him so much. I cannot stop thinking about DJ. It's hard to believe my baby will be 16 so soon. I wonder if his dad is realizing his son is 16 yrs old soon. Bryan really should reach out if not now at least in a few years when he reaches age. DJ needs to know his dad. He deserves that. DJ has not had the easiest of lives and I think about that all the time. Through so much he is a wonderful young man he really is. Gorgeous too :)
I am worried about one of my daughters she is dealing with some bullies at school. What is it with females and bullying in school now a days? I can't help but worry on a daily basis hoping each day everything will be ok. That today won't be a bad day that it won't get really out of control. It's just not right!
Yesterday Phil was going to go out but not know what time he was going to get home. He wouldn't take Sarah. I decided I would get up and we would all get up. Phil took us to Boston Pizza that just reopened from renovations. We were not impressed with service or anything else to say the least! Then we went to Tillicum mall and we got 10 for 10 dollars and 2 of the new collector containers. This year is cupcakes with birthstones in them. I have been collecting the containers from CLAIRES since 2000 and something the first one I collected was 90% angel and been collecting them ever since. Last year we got every single container but one. One lady gave me the teddy bear container and that has left me missing 1 container. That so chokes me. So I guess we will see if we can collect them all this year. They made it this year you have to buy 10 dollars in stuff or pay 6.99 a piece if you buy $10 in stuff they are .99cents. A new one comes out every month. My kids love CLAIRES so we do frequent that store ALOT!
Then Phil took us to Silvercity and we watched "The Messengers" AWESOME MOVIE, VERY WELL DONE 4 STARS, 3 THUMBS. I am very picky with movies I love this movie. I want to see the new movie Jim Carrey is coming out in "23" That looks really awesome. Phil told me I was wrong it wasn't him and doesn't look like him and still insist it doesn't but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA it is Jim Carrey! Looks like a really awesome movie:) I want to see "Ghost Rider" too it looks good. Of Course ZODIAC is coming out as well. I am a lover of Robert Downey JR whew hoo been waiting for this one. Not to mention I have watched so many things about the Zodiac Killer. I am fascinated by Murderers I like to know what makes them tick. I wanna know what it is that they think and why do they think it. I wonder more deeply though. I wonder about their families more about their mothers. I really truly believe the way a child relates to a parent has alot to do with how they relate to others when they grow up. Has media shown people how they always trample down the parents door of the villian. I mean always and not just a parent of someone who adopts or fosters they always have to track down the blood parents. Like somehow the blood is the key.
Being a parent who has struggled with parenting I wonder alot will that happen to me? Will I have to try and defend myself? Will I have to try and concieve of a reason why maybe something happened with one of mine? I often find myself feeling bad for the families of these villians but also find myself crying for the villians. I refuse to believe anyone is all bad. I just refuse to believe it. My dad knows that about me. He used to tell me that would get me in trouble one day. He told me not everyone is good and I can't save everyone. I refuse to believe that. There has to be a logical reason for everything, I truly believe that.
Just like with Phil there is a reason why he clings to this child like quality. The reason he plays with these"toys" is because he is stuck in a place he refuses to come out of but believes he is out of. I can't say what it is but trust me if you knew more about him, his life you would understand some of his child like behaviour. Like most men he won't look at things like many of us women do. That's all I have to say about that!
I heard from Doug the other night on MSN. I was SHOCKED! I told him I was shocked as I understood it things with him and Cindy were fantastic and as far as I was concerned he wanted nothing to do with me. So I had no intention on writing him or calling him. He said that would never be true. Cindy apparently is like many sag's she is onto the next new thing. Yes Doug and I are very much into astrology we are both scorpios. That is one of the reasons I much enjoy just talking to him for like ever because we talk about astrology, just talk and talk and talk about astrology. I mean we seem to have always been able to talk about anything and everything because we seem to agree about a variety of subjects. I have always found him so fascinating that I could never imagine any lady not being intrigued and lured in by him. I can understand why Penny is so relentless. He can't seem to shake her off at all! So I am not sure what is up with Doug, my msn is not working properly so after he went to forage for food I didn't talk to him again.
It's funny I went out yesterday only because I pretty much figured I was expected to say no again and I did at first. But when Sarah was refused. I decided to go. Phil said it was a pretty good day. No fighting felt pretty good. I told him I only went because he expected me not to. I also said had I seen DJ then it would have been a good day. Till then my days pretty much just run in together. Phil said I can't think like that. I have other people to think about. Maybe I do but that is how I feel most days. I went out. I did try to have a sort of happy aura but in my heart I wasn't happy. My heart has no light on. Someone is there but the lights are off:(
Pain is becoming too much for me. I have so much pain chronically now in my feet, my lower legs, my shoulders, my lower back and my hands and from inner elbow to inner wrist. I never know from one day to the next if I am going to be heaving. I some days am so starving which is rare and then go days can barely eat or drink. I am always wanting something for pain. Codiene 1's are my friend. Gravol now as well because T1's are now making me feel ill. I am way more tired than I ever used to be. Some days it takes all I have to get up. When I do go out I am so exhausted by the time I get home. Phil asked me if I didn't feel good being out all day I was like NO I am so tired. I mean it is nice to have the air on my face and be out with my kid be among people for a bit but I get so exhausted. He doesn't get it. My brother doesn't get it. The differenece my brother doesn't get on me. He actually only says things to me when I do something positive. It feels good. He applauds me just for getting up. I know it sounds stupid to some but actually makes me feel a little better and brighter. Phil rarely does that, he pushes me to do more, if you can do this do this and this and this. I understand he is frustrated he is doing alot. I do mean alot. I can only imagine that frustration.
What I wouldn't give to have a few days to surprise him and get a whole bunch done. I wish I could get a home maker. They don't give that to disability people anymore. They used to. I don't understand why it is gone now.
I am making cajun chicken, lipton butter and herbs and corn for dinner. Phil is apparently gone to work though till 12am. He said he wanted to stay overnight at the hospital and come home tomorrow but he is going to come here at midnight instead. But once again I am here alone. We're waiting on his brother and Nikki to have baby. She was due Feb 1st. But still no word as of yet. At the same time his dad is going to be having surgery at some point and he is going to need prayers. Things may not go as well for him. I believe he has angels around him though and God is holding his hand. He has come this far. I love his parents so much they are wonderful people :)
I don't know how the government works everywhere but I don't get why our BC government here in canada will force mothers to go after fathers for child support if they are on welfare. The only way not doing so is if they don't know who is the parent or if there is an issue of danger. You either go after them or don't get a cheque. Then you go to court you finally get a ruling are registered with family maintence the fathers are having wages garnished and taxes, so chances of not getting paid are pr4tty good. That's great. Well is it? The mother never really gets a dime because at least in BC the system takes that minatence off their cheque dollar for dollar. So the child is really no better off. Doesn't matter if your on disability either the rules still apply. On disability you are allowed to make a small amount of income but maintence is not part of that allowable income. Who thought this up? Who thought it would be great to have the mothers have the money for their kids taken away from them? Basically what it comes down to is dad is paying the government isn't it?
Another thing that upsets me is people labelling their children with things they don't have just so they can get moeny for their kids. One of my child has been found to have invisable disabilities and has to get alot of extra help in school. Her grandparents pay for help outside of school. Something she unlike alot of other kids is very lucky to be able to have. Apparently if you don't get a diagnoses from a doctor and queen alexndria hospital here where we are in BC canada under the umbrella of autistim or variation of that therof you pretty much cannot get funding. I find this really unfair. Me being Bipolar is also an invisable disablity, but has been proven very dibilitating to many people and their families among other mental disabilities.
My one child was hit by a car at school, but because my child has been in 2 other accidents we cannot prove that the injuries that my child suffers from now and continually suffers from are from this accident alone. We all know this accident is the cause. I have alot of anger concerning this accident. Nothing was dealt with properly and I hate seeing the pain even a couple years later it's ridiculous. It has only gotten worse and not better! We do have until age 19 to fight it and still might.
I forgot I also collect anything having to do with being a scorpio. I am a very proud scorpio baby, I think we are the sign to beat:) We so totally rock. If you read my blog enough you'll wonder how me and Phil get along as you'll know he is a VIRGO and those who unlike him believe like Doug and I in astrology Virgos and scorpios can CLASH! We seem to opose one another on everything. I like to spend, he only likes to easily spend on his toys. I am a die hard romantic, Phil thinks romance is for losers, I am so far from being a clean freak and Phil is a spotless cleanfreak IN EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE WAY-USE YOUR IMAGINATION, I think sex should be long and thoughtout and wild and sex to him is clinical and an act to create children, I think you should have notyhing to hide with anyone, he thinks everything is secret and should be kept secret, I believe in astrology, he says it's bullshit, I believe in psychics and I believe I just know things and see things he says all of that is bullshit, I am unsure of aliens he believes they exist, go figure, He thinks he should always look fuckable to the opposite sex at any age, on any day, I think the right words will get you where you want to go. There is alot more but for now I am done. I gotta check dinner.
Laterz....

Secrets & Confusion

2007-01-31T18:08:00.000-08:00

What is it with people and secrets? Like sharing your life is a huge no no? I grew up with a mother who did things that always left her telling us don't tell dad this and don't tell dad that. She still at times does that. We also heard don't tell this and don't tell that because it could affect your dad's job. I hated it and I swore I would never have my kids grow up that way. Something I hate very much is lies and secrets! I guess that is why I have admitted things I have done even when I knew it could end everything I had. However Phil is another one who thinks things should be kept to yourself and be kept secret. We fight about it alot!!! He gets really angry about my writing my blogs, he thinks I should keep it to myself. Suffer alone and not tell a soul what I am going through. What I hate more than that is when he denies things he says and does. One thing to deny it to others but to look me in the face and deny it it kills me and makes me wish I could just die!!!! It hurts so deeply. I just don't care anymore.
Lately I don't even get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I have been so depressed I sleep, barely eat, take meds to end pain and I do feeel pain all over. I called the dr to get in today and try to get admitted to hospital. They fuckin cancelled my appointment. I think that is such a big joke. I told them how serious it is for me to get admitted to hospital. My normal meds are not working at all. I cry everyday for hours. Waking up is a disappointment to me. Phil gets here and just gets pissed with me for not having done anything for yet another day, which just adds to my already depressed feelings.
I think aboiut DJ everyday and I cry about him. I miss him so much and feel like a part of me dies without him everyday. His bday is coming a big 16yrs old. I hope he loves the gift I have gotten him. I just can't stop thinking about DJ he is always on my mind and I love him so much. My baby boy is growing up so fast.
The good thing is I seem to be losing weight as I barely want to eat. I am eating a tiny bit but I don't want to eat. I drink a very little bit as well.
Roger and Phil spend most of the time with Sarah, they have been wonderful with her. I guess that is another part of my feeling down I really don't feel needed or wanted. I mean kids don't seem to want or need me anymore. They are all looked after and Phil seems to always be gone and with others now and complains if and when I ask him anything, so I hate asking anything of him. Doug is now with Cindy. No one really needs me in life anymore, so if I were gone who would miss me? NO ONE!
I am proud of how wonderful everyone is doing and it makes it alot easier for me to fade out when I see that I am not really needed anymore. I feel like all I do really is piss people off and get in their way! Even when Phil is here now he is not with me, he is on comp and watching TV downstairsd or in the transformer room. I don't do or watch anything he likes. I am just a thron in his side. He likes being out away from here, so...
I do have another appointment with my docotor I guess I have to wait for that one. I just wish todays would have not got cancelled. I can't remember feeling this bad in a very long time...

It's All On Me...

2007-01-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

Well first off I want to add to my last post that when Phil took Sarah's stuff that one night he had given her a half hour chance to draw. She didn't like her half hour chance. She was so angry she swore at Phil and then at me because I let Phil make the choice if she could draw or not. Regardless of those 2 facts I still didn't see any reason to discourage her from drawing or reading as we usually allow her to watch TV on weekends until she goes to sleep so why were his panties in a twist? However he thinks others will agree with him after reading these facts. Only bedtime we are usually strict with is school nights.
Moving along, apparently saying anything that is not positive about Phil gets people worked up. Apparently the only person who can be stupid, a bitch, a hoare, unpure, evil, selfish ect is me. Because Phil is pure perfection. Everyone would know that because they are here to see it all the time-YEAH RIGHT! *tears* So I should just suck it up and pretend everything is always perfect. Sensor my words. You know I have not limited bad words for just Phil. I say them about myself and other people as well. But apparently I am a big bitch and if Phil was smart he would leave me. I am sure Ashley would love that! Ya know it's funny he says his family wouldn't care if he was dead. Yet his family is the first to stand up for him. They love him dearly. I only wish I had a family like that :'(
Ya know it's like some people see me on the edge of a cliff and they are trying to push me over. Sometimes they come really close to doing it too. Today I was alone all afternoon and I cried for 2 hours. Now my eyes are all sore and red :'(
I do see my doctor soon and I am going to ask her about an in hospital evaluation.
Has anyone done their valentine shopping yet? I have I love what I got Phil I hope he likes it too:) Valentines Day is my favorite holiday :)
Oh and it's not a transformer. I made a vow not to buy any transformers this year. The year has just begus and I want to buy them. I don't go to the isle that sells them. I think JC caught me though. I have become a lover of transformers as well. I can't believe it's happened but it has. Although Phil and I love them for different reasons. I am ashamed of the fact I can actually name a ton of them. Not as good at it as Phil but I shouldn't know any at all!
Sarah tried out for the interprovincial summer soccer team. If she gets on the team the cost is $750 and I was told soccer was a cheap sport, pffffttttt seems like there is always a need for money. This money pays for everything but the food when they travel. Apparently 2 coachespulled her aside at the try outs today and told her she has a really good chance at making it to the team. Soccer really her forte. Parents and other people who see her are always commenting how good she is. I am very proud of her :)
Anyhow I'm off not feel very welll.....

Panic Button

2007-01-27T05:33:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I went all by myself. That was really hard. I was in walmart and all of a sudden the isle got smaller, noise got louder and my head began to spin. I felt so stupid all I could do was stand still and hold my head trying hard not to cry. I don't generally go anywhere alone anymore, and that is exactly why. While I was there Phil called asking where I was I told him and he said he would meet me. He calls me almost predictably by clockwork. Right before he gets off work he phones to see where I am and invites himself to where I am. Like he has to check up on me and know where I am at all times. So he met me at mayfair mall and what do you know he's there with Ashley. They just happened to run into one another. I responded by saying"so I see" he said I love you and I said " I have to go look around later..." He says I am way too insecure. But when I met him he lied about sleeping with Michelle, and then he lied to me about this lady Deb. Meanwhile I told him my sins against everyones advice knowing he could leave I told him. *tears* I just don't know how to feel right now. I just feel so dead inside.
2 nights ago we got into a fight I can't remember about what but he thinks I should say I love you if he demands me to say it. If I am pissed I am not going to say it. He got right on top of me and yelled at me in the face calling me a manipulative, ungrateful bitch. Last night Sarah wanted to stay up and draw and to read a book. I saw no harm in it but Phil was here so I told him he could make that choice. He chose no and neither of us understood why. He said because it's bedtime. I think if she wants to read don't discourage that :'( He was so mad he took her lights, her tv and something else, but eventually gave it all back but that's because we were both bitches. He just chewed me out and told me how bad a parent I am that I let get away with too much. It goes on and on and on. I tried to fight back but he started to yell at me that I was a baby, I think called me a baby like 10 times and a bitch a few times.All over my agreeing with my6 daughter about reading her book.I don't know it was 10:30pm maybe he had a point. He gave me shit for crying too told me to stop with the fake tears :'(
Hey if any of you out there would like to buy me a webcam, a voice recorder, and videa recorder I can post it on here and then you can tell me what you here and see. See if I am just being overemotional :( Not to mention I would be more greatful than words can say. Not to mention maybe if he saw the way he acts or hears the way he acts he might stop.I can wish right?
My baby boy's bday is coming up, a very special bday, he will be 16yrs old. No baby anymore, he is almost a man now:) No day goes by that I don't think about DJ. He truly was a miracle child. I was young, almost lost him a few times before birth and then he was breech and at months he almost died of whooping cough. I believe he is detined for great things. He is very intelligent. I am proud of him.I got his present today, some people were trying to discourage me from getting his present I pretty much told them to shove it.
Well it's 12am and once again Phil is not here. No one is here. Phil is apparently out with Ron but I can't stop thinkig that could be a cover story. I hate that I don't trust him like I should. I hate it so much, it hurts so badly.
Lately it feels like I am standing still in time and everyone else is moving in time rapidly all around me, it's a horrid sensation and when I go out it's much stronger. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and hold my head still just to try and shut out the noise and stop everything from moving so fast around me.
I noticed the other day even my smallest jeans are getting too big. Apparently I am loosing weight again. Probably cause once again I barely been eating and when I eat bad food I dump which I was told goes away after a year or two. Yeah hello? Not I, I have to watch my intake. I also have to still struggle with leaving food on my plate I always take too much and then I get full. I want to eat more but I can't. I was raised with a mother who never gave us any real seconds of the good meals we loved and so yeah I hoard food. I still get worried I won't get anymore, so I pack it onto my plate. Those kinds of habits stick with a person :(
Many of you know I have taken a huge interest in crime, I have watched quite a few movies and documentaries. I have to say they intrigue me ya know? Jeffrey Dahmer he did some bad things but I think inside he did have a heart. He seemed real close to his dad. I liked that he was willing to talk and he wanted to try to help to bring understanding. However he really didn't understand it himself. I think it is so very very sad the way that man died. I realize he did some horrific crimes but I don't believe he deserved to die the way he did. Just breaks my heart :(
John Wayne Gacy now he was a character and I have a truly hard time believing his wife did not know what was going on. Come on now the smell of rotting bodies decomposing under your house, you can't believe that was something else, no way. I believe he probably killed alot more boys than the police ever found and that is sad. I find it humourous that Gacy seemed fine with taking the blame until it came time for the chair suddenly he was the wrong man. Alrighty there John sit back this will only hurt for a second. He did allow them to take his brain for testing after death, apparently they found no abnormalities. My belief is maybe you can find them while they are still alive and well. My view of the death penalty is it's wrong. Who are we to choose who lives and who dies. Who died and made you God. Now look at cases where DNA has turned someone free and had that not come out, what you would ok with putting innocence to death?Send them to supermax life without parole but abolish the death sentence it's not right!!!
Ted Bundy to me his story is one of sadness. He was highly intelligent. He was educated and dressed well. I mean this guys life could have taken him really far. But instead he chose to kill women or as he called them "entities". My heart just sat in a lump watching documentaries and movies about him. How could someone with so much potential throw it all away? Apparently it just wasn't enough. Do you know he helped assist the police in finding Gary Ridgeway or Better known as "The Green River Killer". They went to him figuring same type crimes he might be able to get into his head. I think Ted really got off on that. It was giving him a power, even if from behind bars. It did work though. But he came awefully close to screwing with the one officers head. I have to say Ted deserves a medal for his master skills of manipulation.
Gary Ridgeway. when I watched some of the more indepth documentaries I was kind of pissed that they didn't get to him sooner. They had talked to him he was in the files it just wasn't followed up on it was put back into the file. He is definetly not a criminal I feel any sympathy for. I refuse to believe there are just some people bad to the core. I am sure he has a heart it's just really deep in there. I found it odd when he said he put the women in clusters to make it easier for the police. He thought he was helping the police getting these women off the streets. Killing them was not the answer. I don't buy that reasoning for a moment. With everything I have watched with him I have only seen him cry for a moment and that was when one of the dead womens mothers or grandmothers stood up and said I forgive you you can't hold me anymore. I smiled when she said that, how strong she was. He needed to hear that more!
BTK yeah buddy he really had some issues going on. Control issues. It showed up in his place of work. Showed up in his neighbourhood. Like in the hell did he think he was. He goes into murderer retirement and some guy writes a book about BTK and he goes into a child like fit. OMG someone else is taking my crown. So he comes back out of retirement and announces it making sure we all know he's back and ain't nobody going to steal his thunder. Yeah well buddy you should have stayed quiet , but hey thanks for not staying quiet cause now youre ass is BUSTED!!!
Moving right along, how many of you ut there know who Traci Lords is? When I was with my daughters father Michael we watched ALOT of adult movies but 2 were my absolute favorites and I had copies but someone stole them. One was Curse of the Catwoman not sure the names for that one. My absolute Favorite Was Hidden Obbsessions starring Traci Lords. I have searched all over the net and in the movies stores. All I was able to find out is that apparently some of her movies were made with her being under age she used fake ID and they were all destroyed. She sure didn't look under age in this movie. I really would love to see it again :( Would love to have my Eddie Murphy Raw and Delerious as well I am so choked those were stolen they can make me laugh when I am feeling my very worst!They do say laughter is the best medicine.
Oh the name os DJ's dad that we are looking for is Bryan Larence Miller. I believe his bday is july 28/1972. Born in Ontario. Used to be a camp counsellor every summer. Went to Schollard Hall to grade 12 and then went to France for gr 13 and then went to The Western University of Ontario. I believe in Schollard he played football. He loved sports. His Parents I believe are Mary and Donald and they owned the McDonalds in North Bay Ontario. I know he has a older brother Kevin , a younger brother named Mark, and I think a sister named Andrea? DJ deserves to talk to his dad and family. He has questions he wants answered and in a couple weeks he is 16. So any info would be great. tenderone at shaw dot ca
Ok anyways I am exhausted, so bye for now....

All Of A Sudden

2007-01-23T09:48:00.000-08:00

Phil is always telling me I am NOT psychic, he doesn't believe I ever have been or ever will be. Despite having friends backing up visions I have had. Things I have been able to call bang on before they happen, when they happen I knew them. 3 friends I called being pregnant before they were. My grandfather I called dying of lung cancer a few years before he did. I've even called the right gender of babies to be entering the world, although that is more Sarah's fortee she does much better with that she has only been wrong once. I just seem to see things and know things. I have a very strong sixth sense. However since being on seroquel it's messed up with my ability to see clearly like I could before. I hate it. I do believe here in victoria BC there is alot of psychic vampires I used to get drained alot. Doug had to teach me how to protect myself, as did this other guy Mike. Doug also taught me how to astral travel now that is the shit :) Anyhow I got this overwhelming sense to cry just before 6am today. Like someone I care about is either going to do something that breaks my heart, or someone is going to get hurt or die or already has. I am actually shaking and my eyes are just welled up. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I am actually shaking. I wish the vision of what or who would come to me. I miss seeing things at least then I could be more clear. Stupid fricken meds Anyway if I say anything to Phil he'll just tell me I am being stupid and yell at me :'(
I think I figured out part of my depression issue right now. I think I need a change of pace. I feel stagnated here. I mean I don't feel like I have anything to get up to or look forward to in a day. oooohhhhh another day of gloominess and being yelled at oh happy day.I have no will to do anything in this place. I need a smaller place, a brighter place. This winter has sucked milkthistle lol. I can't remember the last REAL vacation I took. I think if I won a trip to whereever I wanted to go or won some money I would love to go visit Phoenix in New York. How fun would that be? She is always a gas, love her to death :)
Today is my best friend Sherri Huberdeau's Bday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRI!!!!! She is now 34. She always bugs me that I am older than her because I turn a yr older than her in nov and then we're the age when she gets older in january. The little shit.Ya know I have been wondering lately if maybe my exhaustion is more than just bipolar but Chronic Fatigue syndrome. You know growing up I was really tired all the time too. I don't know how many times I was tested for mono among other things trying to find a reason why I was so tired and dragging ass all the time. It's an achy, just weak shaky tired feeling. Like getting up to go to the bathroom sometimes is a huge ordeal. I do have good days, weeks and sometimes months. I do get manic episodes where I can't sleep which seems to be lately. I am tired but sleep very little. IN last week have only sleept a couple hours on and off lately.
I know my iron is probably at ground zero I never kept up with the shots. I just got too tired of going every damn two weeks and Phil would tell me how stupid I was for having to go so often to the doctor so I just stopped going to the doctor. I wish I could just get the shots at home. Don't bother writing me and telling me about the pills and liquid my body rejected them they didn't absorb either thus why I had to get shots and even then my iron was not to where it should have been, but was higher than nothing so it was something.
I hope Phil is in a better mood today when I see him. Yesterday he was super angry. Yell yell yell. Just layed into me within 5 mins of coming here and continued to do so for about an hour. Then on and off for the next few hours. I hate when he asks me a question that only has one answer, or asks me a question that I don't want to answer because it makes me sound like garbage. *tears* He thinks so little of me, and he thinks so little of his looks and tries to convince me that his appearance is not good. Just rips me up inside so much. Everything lately is negative negative negative. I asked him if when he talks to Ashley, Rebecca and Tiffany if he yells about his looks to them or is negative with them like he is with me. Those are 3 "friends" he has been talking to alot lately, and he went to have coffee with Ashley apparently from what he says on the weekend.
Anyway I am gonna go for now...

Internal Confusion

2007-01-20T19:37:00.000-08:00

First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose.
Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell?
Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot.
Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work.
Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather.
Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know?
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ConfuciusChinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lipsRevenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverbThe bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsThe Best Revenge Is Living WellYou don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-AnonymousAlways dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines

I MIss Feeling Alive

2007-01-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.
I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.
I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.
I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!

Pre New Year Thoughts

2006-12-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

Well today is the 30th my deadline for meeting DJ's demands. I have not responded or spoke to him since such demands were made except to give him his christmas gift. So I do wonder what will be the next step :'(
Christmas pretty much sucked for me. Nothing really spectacular for me. We had the big christmas dinner with Phil's family on Christmas eve at his sisters. I do have to say God did bless Phil's family with yet another miracle, just before Christmas the cancer clinic phoned to say his dad came back clear for any sign of cancer. So yes once again miracles have proven to become reality. Especially for Phil's family.
As for Phil and I we are having a hard time getting along. More on my part. I just get so frustrated with him and I hate him not listening to me and not respecting me when I ask him not to yell at me or touch me when I don't want to be touched. I hate when I people especially men force themselves on you, it feels dirty and wrong and unclean. It makes you want to do everything you can to make them not want to be near you you know? For Christmas he gave me 3 vamp like posters a medium robosapien I have not got to use yet cause he has no batteries :( He called me down to walmart last night to buy me a new coat cause mine could wrap around me twice it was toooooooo big for me. But When he paid for it he went into a huge ordeal about cost and the whole world heard it and I probably went white. I wanted to cry. I hate when he humiliates me like that. If it is such a huge ordeal I don't want it. I didn't need it THAT bad. I mean we are in BC after all. Then it was a yelling at me thing all the way to the bus stop.
I watched a show WHAT WOULD YOU DO? well they should do another instance of someone in a security jacket harrassing their girlfriend or boyfriend because I can tell you from personal experience NO ONE WILL HELP YOU, or even question what is going on. I think they automatically assume your in the wrong. Nothing you say or do will get you help. Even 5 EMPLOYEES in WALMART saw and watched as I pleaded to be left alone to NOT BE TOUCHED to GO HOME did nothing. No they WATCHED and did NOTHING! This makes me question how many other people experience and have experienced outright abuse because of any uniform they may be wearing. It really is an interesting show the WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I think everyone should watch it and more should be done.
So Saddam Hussien is dead huh? I was surprised it seemed to come so quickly. His trial made me laugh. I have to admit he has a very big sense of humour. Or should I say had. On MSNBC I watched a bio on him. There is alot to understand about the man. He wasn't all bad. Mislead I think, did bad things but not all bad. Inside he was human!
I've been talking to Doug, I take that back we've been TRYING to talk. Our talks are more like ....leave your message at the tone...hey at this rate we're never gonna cross paths...beep. Or...hey finally caught ya...yeah but on the run...what's up...oh work work work and more work...yeah and you....oh this and that the same old same old....think we'll ever catch up....I don't know your schedule is worse than mine...true that...
But we do get to talk a little bit and it's nice when we do it's nice to connect. His mom is always sweet when I talk to her too.
Mary and Sarah have been LOUD here together, reminds me why Mary is with her dad at times. But is nice at other times. Mary has been cleaning and has had fun with friends, has done my hair and makeup. Teen girls are blast to have for shopping and dressing up with. Specially when they like being girls :( My Sarah is more into being a boy but with Mary here she has had her dressed up real nice it's been nice:) Unfortunetly for family pics Sarah won the war and had a hat and tshirt on. I wasn't gonna fight she was being herself. My family however won't be too keen on the pics :(
Hey if everyone would check out my brother's Blog it would be great and pass it on to others I would love ya for it http://usanatraveler.wordpress.com also please tell him his sister Angela sent ya there. That would be the best gift for me. Anytime ya visit tell him I kept sending ya there :P
Phil's family has another blessing coming to their family this year. A little precious girl. Phils brother Colin one of the twins is having a baby with Nikki they are due I believe Feb 1 2007. I personally think it will be Jan 29th maybe I just feel january when I am around her. She'll also loose her weight right away. She is such a beautiful pregnant lady :) Colin is such a proud daddy to be. For Christmas I got them engraved sterling silver matching keychains that say Mommy and Daddy. I was most proud of that gift :)
Oh my family loves holidays to let it be known who is the black sheep and who is not. I miss the days when my grandma didn't have dementia and my grandma m was alive. Nothing is the same anymore, I don't think they would have ever been the way other members are in our family. But it has been made known for sure that yes I am still very well known as the black unwanted sheep, and firmly stand there in place as I always have!
I have roast cooking tonight I am making it with peas, corn, mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding, and gravy. I did make a second turkey on christmas day which I wasn't going to do but did. I just couldn't have christmas without turkey.
Then I got uh a little sloshed at Phil's sisters on boxing day. OMG I love rum and coke and I had just had so much fighting the drinks were so nice. I don't drink often but when I can and when I have the opportunity and it's safe for me to do so I love to just fade into the rum and coke :) I sent Phil to get me VEX one night and he accidently got me HYDRA vodka water lime flavour. OMFG it tastes so good. It's almost like the MEXIKITA WHICH I LOVE!!! I wish they hadn't taken it away I drank it as my only drink when it was here.
Oh man the teen girl is home from her friends the noise comes back, and she is gone again off to her friends again, but for how long dun dun dund da.....
My upstairs computer got a virus I have been alerted by one person about this url http://forum.shopbdazzled.com/members.php?msn=advice_angel@hotmail.com this is not from meplease do not open it. That computer is no longer attached to the internet and is in the process of being cleaned all other computers have been tested and are okay. I honestly think people who hack people need a fricken life honestly!
Anyhow that is it for now...

First Holiday Thoughts...

2006-12-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

So I have done all the christmas shopping. Once again was pretty much left on my shoulders. I bought for both sides of the family and with my money for the most part as well. Now I am also left to wrap it all which I HATE!!!! Will be so glad to have the holidays be over. I know this christmas was already gonna suck but everyday I knowe it's gonna suck even worse than what I already thought it would. Do you know christmas is the highest time for suicides that and new years? The top age group for suicides is seniors? Interesting statistics eh? But I can totally understand it! I have told everyone if I ever end up from drowning or suffication or soemthing painful someone did it to me. If I die and there is no note I didn't do it. I am so paranoid that I have always felt like letting people knowing that. I mean cause sometimes I feel like I am being drugged against my will but can't prove it, but I can be paranoid at times, but yeah I would want a toxicology report done.
I am so envious of the people getting to go see Meatloaf makes me want to cry so unfair :(
Mary is home her friends threw a surprise party for her and are spending the night and Sarah is having aparty with her friends as well, so it's been loud and hectic here. Let's see 24th we are having christmas dinner at Phil's sisters because his dad is tired from having his surgery and he can go downstiars and relax when he gets tired. Then Christmas day I have no idea what we are doing which is a new one for me:( Then26 his sister is having a boxing day open house we're going to that and get rid of girls after a couple hours there cause everyone is gonna be drinking ect. The girls are gonna go out and spend their christmas money with a group of friends and then sleep over at a friends. Then the 27th Sarah got lucky and made it into a special soccer thing that was first come first served. Then we are getting family pics done. Then the 28th is Kai's 3rd bday party and we are going to that as well. So we will be busy bees.
Christmas is so depressing to me I can't remember the last christmas I have had without my son DJ. I cry and cry thinking about it.I love him so much and I just can't be angry with him or resent him. Yes I am upset with his ultimatum to buy him a PS3 but he wants one so much. The Playstations have always been something that mean alot to him. He says I broke his PS2 because when he was grounded from the internet I did not realize you could connect to the internet through a PS and he snuck onto the internet when grounded on his PS2. I went upsytairs and pulled out his cable cord. I never even picked the thing up. I just took the internet out. I can't help but question if maybe I did break it, but my dad and mom and Phil and a few other adults said it just doesn't seem possible that I did. It seems more likely that when he threw his tantrum that he broke it then blamed me.See the thing is I fully expected to buy DJ a PS3 for christmas this year but then I saw the price and the fights, we went on ebay still very expensive. Then I had thought I would ask his nanna/pappa, uncle Roger, maybe Karen, maybe aunt Judy, Phil, Granny, Oma/Opa, JC/Colleen, Colin/Nikki, and his foster parents to help put money towards one to get one. However even with all of them it still would not be enough to buy one and now everyone said my getting one now would be the worst thing to do because it would happen again, he would do it again. Which broke me down into tears. He destroyed a plan I really wanted to help him with. Cause I really know he wanted one :'( I DID SEE DJ A FEW DAYS AGO AND GAVE HIM $50 DOLLARS IN MAYFAIR BUCKS, he was in the van with his foster dad and said what's this I said mayfair bucks he said oh and he took it and that was the end of that. I had to stop myself from crying, no thankyou no emotion just took it without any greatfulness. Oh well I am just thrilled he took them I could not go throughout the holidays not giving him something. He loves alot of the stores in there. Now I wish I had given him 100 dollars like I had planned to in the first place :'( Yeahknow he looked really awesome and gorgeous. Short hair cleaned up. Did my heart alot of good to see him like that. No matter what has happened I will always love my kids and I think there is always room to work things out. DJ is right I put too much on his shoulders I gave him way too much info for his age. My brother and I have had a few talks about that. Just because DJ will listen and try to help and is good at talking back does not mean I should pull him into adult conversations. I'm sure that must have been stressful.
Sometimes I think I am such a screwup as a parent. I wish there was a manual, and a warning thing built into us to shock us when we say or do the wrong things. I so always wanted kids and I always wanted to be a good mother but it just doesn't seem to happen I keep fuckin it up and it hurts :'(
Phil and I have been fighting pretty extremely lately. His self destruction is getting worse. More than punching a door, a drawer, a wall, he has now started to punch himself in the face leaving vicious red marks on his face. It scares me so much. He says he does it to toughen up so when the world goes to hurt him it won't. He has had some trauma in his life and he needs counselling in a huge way. I saw a documentary on msnbc canada channel and they said there is a group therapy run by Don Wright and I was wondering how to get ahold of him, because I think a contact like him would be great for Phil to become in conact with. Of course Phil is fighting counselling because he says it won't work and he thinks if he goes I win, like it's a game and he is only going because I want him to:'( But it's not at all like that :( I care about his life and until he deals with this anger and memories he will never get over the anger not ever! And every relationship he has WILL be affected!!!!
Phil hasn't been well either 2 months now of coughing I did force him to go to doctor but his doctor gave him robitussin and for a bit he felt better but now he keeps me up all night coughing. It's not a cold cause he has no other symptoms.I think it could be walking pneumonia. I am having a helluva time getting him back into the dr for medication which his dr told him to do if after that robitussin was gone and he still was coughing.
I've been talking to Doug on and off again. Did I mention he is seeing some chick named Cindy in Sooke? He said he for the most part falls asleep on her because he is so tired but doesn't deny they are intimate. I thought he was gonna try though and I am not that fricken stupid!!!!
I still have not gotten ahold of the lady to do my SIDS tattoo which is a little upsetting to me. I am actually very upset I want this damn tatto. I am starting to think about going to other shops and seeing how much it would cost in other places:'( Or maybe getting ahold of Wade to do it he did my dingo paw tat:)
Anyhow that is it for now, hope everyone has good holidays :)

Recent December Thoughts

2006-12-19T15:05:00.000-08:00

Just laying up here talkin in bed wth Phil. We still can't believe dJ'S ULTIMATUME! Ce la view I suppose. I love my son and I realize he has had a life that has been confusing and hard. I partially blame his dad but his dad walked out before he was ever born right Bryan?
I had a talk with my brother about Dj's addiction to gaming and how it seems to be the one and only thing that seems to matter to him and bring him happiness and I wanted to understand the reasoning behind it. After listening to my brother break down Dj's life and break down gaming and how the two work together it's almost impossible to not understand why he wouldn't love his computer and gaming. In fact I should be thankful to God that that is what it is he is drawn to he could have been drawn to much much worse.
It's angering to me that my son is from a very very very well to do family his grandparents are very high up people in north bay ontario. Roman catholic family. Run a well known restaurant and have turned their back on their first grandson from day one. I tried to have them involved sent his grandmother pictures and letters. I did everything, even DJ sent notes but they just turned their backs on him. I found Bryans brother on a popular school site and he never wrote back when he realized who I was. I have had a few people write me to tell me where Bryan is and his parents are still where they have always been. But you can drag a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
I saw Motley Crue and Aerosmith. I have never been to a big girl concert before people were drunk and high. Motley Crue was ok but not like I expected. I LOVE MOTLEY CRUE but they semmed like a really held back kind of group they swore alot but held back. Niki Sixx was way better than I would have ever expected he actually seemed the most hard assed which shocked me. He handed out a bottle of champagne and came out and sang with aerosmith singing helter skelter:) Aerosmith however holy moley I LOVED IT they were really into the crowd they come much more into the audience, they are more interactive, the lights and stuff are much more involved. They are also much cleaner not as much swearing and seem much more inot their music than into acting. I really enjoyed their concert. We were only about 10 feet away and I could have sat another 2 hours of them singing he just rocked. Very well put together. I want to see them again.
I am so sulking right now because more than anything I want to go see MEATLOAF and so many people are going to see him. He will be in Victoria FEB 28th 2007. I just want to cry I am a HUGE MEATLOAF fan and always have been. I doubt I will get a ticket though:(I hate it I really want to go. I wanna know if they are gonna sell the bat out of hell CD's as a trilogy set cause I would like that as well.
I finally talked to Doug today, been trying to get ahold of him for over a week. He is seeing some chick up in sooke named Cindy. He is working at his work and the casino and doing the floors still and goes up to nanaimo for work still. Yep still a workaholic, just always working working working. Always says he is gonna cut back on his hours but somehow seems to work more and more :'( But he actually phoned while at work today and I am gonna call him later.
Phil is back at work. He works days. His arm hurts still seems more lately but it could be all this cold weather. He is happy to be back at work but hates going to bed so early because he has to get back up early.
His dad did get the tumour out but they found more and there is nothing they can really do. So this is pretty much from what it looks like is his last christmas. We don't have any set time of how long we have with him, so we cherish the days we have. Phil is not handling it well at all. Sarah doesn't quite understand how to connect to it. It's a very confusing time for everyone. We saw dad yesterday he was alot quieter than I am used to seeing, but it was nice to see him. It just makes you take stock of what we have in life you just never know from one day to the next what will happen and who will be here still.
I have alot of things I have written down but I think I am just gonna forgo them. I have a computer up in my room now by my bed thanks to my brother setting it up. THANKYOU ROGER!!!! I have the best brother ever. The thing about having my brother around so much is he sees everything. He has had a few major talks with me. The things he says are true but are hard to hear. But also he doesn't make me feel bad, he applauds me just for getting up. He understands how hard each step in a day is for me. He doesn't do it in a belittling way either, he does it in a way that makes me smile. He congradulates me on every little step I do. He does think I am being emotionally abused and worries about that. He didn't just say I am being emotionally abused either he has said things Phil doesn't get, I mean he's not being one sided.
Quite a few people have told me I should do something I don't know I can do lately, even by people who love Phil dearly and it's easy to say for everyone, but for me to do it, it's not like me to deal with things that way. I am just so confused right now :'(
Oh wouldn't you know it I got those teeth pulled out and they broke my jaw as it was infected badly and now I broke another fuckin tooth and it's killing me. I am seriously considering having them yank out all my top teeth and getting false teeth :( God the pain a broken tooth br4ings is just insane!
As much as I hate Christmas I did decorate. I have a beautiful white Christmas Tree and victorian colored decorations, and a big burgandy ball in the livingroom and hallway and white icedrops and gold snowflakes hanging across the livingroom, gold and white around the doors, gold bells, a red ribbon on the door, burgandy treeskirt, and mistletoe :) I hate christmas and this year I seem worse but I did most of the shopping, and Phil is just angry this year so it's made me hate it more. I will be glad when the holiday is over! Hope everyone elses is much better!

dosent matter

2006-12-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

Nice email huh? Now how exactly am I supposed to come up with this? Not to mention No I DID NOT BREAK THAT DAMN PS2. If I could buy the PS3 I would I already have pretty much told everyone that! *tears* ----- Original Message ----- From: "dj macrae" To: <tenderone@shaw.ca> Sent: Wednesday, December 13, 2006 9:52 PM Subject: dosent matter >I have a deal for u its just as manipulative as u are > > for 2 times a week i will come and see u for an hour at a time on my > scheadule > > ur part of the deal is to buy me a ps3 first off all for whats already > written and because u broke my ps2 and yes i am pulling this shit on u > > im giving u till dec 30 i dont care how hard it is to find or how > expensive it is > > but if u do buy it i will give u a cahnge rm no later than dec 30 > > regards from D.J. for angela macrae

Would you try to buy the PS3 given these conditions?
Yes
No
Not A Chance He Needs to GROW UP
I may have wanted to before given an ultimatium but not now
Love him but don't give in to emotional blackmail
Wow I give him kudos yeah he should so get the PS3
I would want to but if I couldn't I couldn't, love doesn't require a PS3
A big part of me would want to

Holy SNOW

2006-11-29T19:33:00.000-08:00

It was a snow day here and apparently across BC. It is damn cold out too:) So cold I have seen no kids playing in the snow that says something. Being a child from Ontario canada, I say Bc'ers should be ashamed of their reaction to snow, sheesh. I would rather have snow that the rain.
I did see my doctor and she does think I have an ulcer she put me on Pariet and made an appointment for me to see Dr.Amson we hope to get a scope ASAP because I am loosing dark blood. That's all I need right now:(
Phil's dad John was just found to have a tumour in his stomach and it's positive and a low percentage of being able to get it out. So Mom(Anne) is having a hard time as is the rest of the family. So support and prayers are a blessing. Apparently his surgery should be in about 2-3 weeks. Gonna be a hard holiday season though.
Alden's anniversary of her loss is on the 4th. That is hard as well. December is becoming worse and worse of a month to me.
Ok things I have written to remember:
Movie I liked on Women's Network Nov 26/06 "Try To Remember"(2004) Gabrielle Anwar, Lisa Monroe(mystery & suspense)
Thinking about DJ, his newest tactic is to call me by my name and not by mom, and still with the fuck this and the fuck that & your not important to my life. The name thing bugged me the fisrt couple of times but now I truly don't care. Whatever he feels his angry little mind needs to do. Like I told him no matter what he calls me I am still his mom. Sarah wants her brother here for Christmas she misses him so much but he feels he has to hurt her to punish me. I want here too. If I had nothing else that would be the best present itself.
He is just so insesant on blaming me for kicking him out, but I wanted just a weekend to calm myself down and think straight. I got scared when he got angry, but it could be I reacted that way becauseI do tend to jump easily because of past abuses. I realize& take responsability for maybe not handling it a better way. Upon further reaction I'm sure there could have been better ways to deal that would have worked for both of us. But he got overreactive as well & shut the door completely because of one bad weekend & hehas to take responsability for his choices. I do love him & miss him. Wish he were home but he needs to make his own choices & I will still will always, have door open for him and a place in my heart. I really do miss him :'(
I want to say I was very sad on my bday When the jury came back and said guilty to 1st degree murder on 2 theories aggravated rape and aggravated buglary and put Christopher McCowen in Jail. I am so hurting for that man. I just don't believe he raped and killed that lady. Day 6 Jury was deadlocked on Cape Cod. One female juror was replaced for personal reasons. Defense was refused mistrial by the judge, and jury was sequestered for 2 days.

Written Changes

2006-11-13T15:21:00.000-08:00

Yes this is all stuff written again since my last entry so is a little here and there ok maybe alot here and there...Legacy of Pain-Montreal massacre murder of 14 women, Engineering school he went there around 4pm. Before shooting he shouted "I hate feminists" It was 6pm before SWAT made it into the building. I would like to know what took so long for them to get in. I was surprised to see the picasso painting pulled of the block at the 11th hour which was estimated to sell at over 60 million. Has something to do with a family being forced to sell it to nazi's or something like that. I missed the back story on that. But was surprised, as it was huge news it was selling.I am a fan of Michael Buble and love seeing him doing a commercial for Children's Hospital with his song I wanna come home. I love that song and Children's Hospital is one of my things I support financially. They saved DJ's life and did a major surgery on Mary.We all saw this coming, Brittney Spears filed for divorce and the next day her husband Kevin Federline filed for sole custody of both kids. *shakes head*Actor Daniel Baldwin was arrested in San Antonio, California on suspicion of stealing an SVU. Hello the guy is rich, well know, handsome, doesn't need to steal an SVU I so don't buy this. Someone screwed up on this one I think!I like this quote "When will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary PoppinsPizza came to North America in the 1900's with the immigrants was first made to represent italy's colors. Cool thing to know:) My favorite pizza is mushroom pizza. Yep just mushrooms:)Women in Black-Wear white poppies which are hand made. The legions are in court because they are put out that they put them out at the same time as their red poppies. Come on now the world has room for both. I find that really sad and shameful!I made a nice roast on the 4th with yorkshire pudding gravy baby carrots and baby potatoes everyone loved it:) Yeah me:)A Michael Williams Statue was put up in Victoria it is temporary I believe still to be moved to a more permanent place but nice to be done. I have to say whew hoo to America's Most Wanted 20th season 911 captures, I am a hard core watcher it is the show of all shows!I'm watching Extreme Makover Home Edition I want the shirt from Pink Warriors I have to find out about getting one of those shirts, they help with brast cancer. Relay for life I would buy a shirt but walking for 5 days omg I would be done in, my brother might do that though. Phil said he would do it. I hate cancer it took away my grandmpa. They said to go on the web and go to http://www.abettercommunity.comBissell get a http://www.carosan.com gets rid of dust miteshttp://www.tryone.com http://www.firstroboticscanada.org http://www.eons.com http://www.tell-someone.com http://www.veryfunnyads.com http://www.nowpublic.com http://www.tomorrowsworld.org http://www.no2meth.ca http://www.manulifeincomeplus.com http://www.cheaters.com http://www.cancerrecovery.ca http://www.courttvnews.com http://www.wolfboys.ca http://www.livestrongportfolios.com http://www.datelinecrime.net http://www.operationhomefront.net http://www.squaredance.ca http://www.thriftyfoods.com http://www.londondrugs.ca http://www.mvparents.com http://www.orbitz.com http://www.ditech.com http://www.besaucy.ca http://www.oldfieldorchard.org http://www.scienceworld.ca http://www.creditunionsbc.com http://www.thermacare.com http://www.chtv.ca http://www.wholegrainoats.ca http://www.gnomewatch.com http://www.tcfarm.org http://www.endaids.ca http://www.torontofilmschool.ca http://www.belairtravel.com http://www.high.org http://www.carfax.com http://www.tostidos.ca http://www.lifenetwork.org http://www.zerocrashmonth.com http://www.builtfordtough.com http://www.tcfarm.org I wish BC to follow suit, April 2007 Alberta pharmacists can write prescriptions for people. Other provinces will be watching. God that would be so much easier than always going back for renawals. I been seeing alot of psychics and mediums I like on tv when I see them I will mention them here and there like Phil Jordan who is a Medium.K-KeepI-InteruptingD-DuringS-SleepSo Saddam is guilty of genocide and is sentenced to hanging. They figure appeals will be done by January and hanging may happen by februaury 2007. Saddam trembled and said after sentencing "God is Great". We all know Bush is happy and sees it as a good thing for their people. I haven't heard an official stement from Canadian prime minister. Tony Blair minister in Britian against death penalty for saddam and all and any cases. I think Saddam is hilarious, and an ass but I don't agree with the death penalty in any case, never have. I believe what goes around Karma will take care of.Jury clock has been being watched for the Cape Cod Case of Christa Worthington(fashion writer) Murdered and found with her unharmed 2yr old child alive next to her, where Christopher McCowen has been tried for first degree murder and aggravated rape. Defense say he was coerced into a confession because of low IQ. There is no video or taped confession just their word. Which is just one of my reasons for my reason of not convicting him. Not to mention these police had a narrow field of vision. A witness saw a white man leave the crime but Chris is Black. Things don't all add up with the evidence. I think they too quickly jumped to a black man and I couldn't convict him and feel good about it if I were on the jury.Corcoran prison-love the song a prisoner wrote and sings "15 to life"http://www.texasborderwatch.com has been set up to help people illegally crossing the border-what a joke. How sad does it have to get?I was deeply disturbed by Dr.Phil's show with Jeremy who so obviously is sexually abusing his daughter Kailie. Trying to outwit the lie detector test which we found out is 92% accurate. The detctive who gave the test believes he is guilty and Dr.Phil is helping to report him to all he can. I just feel so bad for his little girl and the videos of her crying killed me. To admit he has an email at analbastard@----.com says alot too. I hope the mother of his child to be is smart enough to walk away and never turn back. My God he is sick!Love the gecko on the geico commercials and the cavemen ones crack me up. The other ones I change the channel when they come on.Had right top molar pulled out wed nov 1st was supposed to have root canal but tooth was too far gone. Pain set in way worse as each day went on worse than when I had the tooth. Felt and looked like a big piece of tooth was still left over. Finally after throwing up and crying everyday I went back on the 8th to find out it was jaw bone jutting out. So They froze me which I whined about I was so tender. Then they broke the jutting out jaw bone and I freaked as I heard it cracking and then they used an exacto knife looking thing to shave down the bone. Needless to say I have been in massive PAIN, but seem to be healing this time.Dr.Bass has an interesting place I would love to see The Body Farm Forensic Anthropology Center a place to learn about human decaying at any given time. There are 30 bodies on the lot at any given time. I learned watching it that flies are only active in temps over 52 degrees.Mamie Van Daren she's beautiful and is aging so well, don't we all wish we could be like her? She married a 19yr old when she was 32. She really has been blessed! She so doesn't look to be in her 70's.I don't like the show Trading Spouses, I do however like the show Wife Swap.I've unfortunately gone into the picking phase again. I have 3 sores on my face, 2 on chin, 1 on side of face. A few on each arm and a couple on one leg. I hate that I do it in my sleep:( I finally got into the group I've been waiting to get into. DPT Group it is an 8 month group and 10 of us in it.Been throwing up ALOT! & Dry heaving I called Amson's office cause I want a scope I am wondering if it is possible I have an ulcer of course no one has called me back grrrr. I see my dr for the flu shot in a week or so so will mention it to her! I am sick more than I am well. I really do feel sometimes like I am being drugged:( I have NO SEX DRIVE!!! Poor Phil he finally has one and I just push him away I just don't want to be close to anyone as of late. I mean who wants to be close when your feeling sick??:(Judge Leslie Lewis shaved 10 yrs off a prison sentence off an admitted sexual predator who had 3 counts of sexual abuse towards a 7 year old in Utah. What the hell is she thinking?I see no usefulness in the pasta express either way you still have to boil the water right?Once again someone is loving the media attention ESCORT Mike Jones is just sucking up the media attention. I am proud of Reverand Ted Haggard for admitting he has a darker side in his life being involved with drugs and a male escort(Mike Jones [who outed him]). I think it's brave how he said it publicly even though he was outed. Mike you need to get a life, good God!Yet again another cruise has had an accident. A man was seen going overboard on carnival cruises sat nov 4 2006. Is it just me or is alot of cruise ships having things like this happening?Did you watch Criss Angel's celebrity seance at the armasosa hotel in death valley junction california room 34 where apparently a little girl named Mary died. I wasn't all that pulled into it and his quote at the end made me think even less "Do you believe in ghosts? I don" Criss Angel I do love Criss though I love how great he is with his illusions and magic it is unlike any other and he seems so down to earth. The one show I cry everytime I see is the one with the woodchipper I cry and cry and cry even though I know how it turns out his mom gets to me. I cry for her and I almost threw up once I felt so much for her. I don't know how she does it. He really is a great man to his family but I feel for his mom with each stunt he pulls:) I think his brother JD is pretty hot:) I liked watching Mark Chadwick a stunt coordinator teach Criss how to take a hit from a car-OUCH! I would love to go see him one day at Houdini's grave that he visits every year. Houdini died on Halloween I find that really interesting don't you? It seems Criss goes to Magick Castle in Hollywood California alot too I never even knew about that place till his show, would love to see him there too among others:) I was really upset I wanted to join the Criss Angel fan club but Phil got so worked up about it I deleted the webpage. He thinks I like Criss because I want to get jiggy with him but it's not just physical I love the great magic Criss does and the way he is with family and fans. I wish I so wish I could get Phil to understand that because it hurts me so much that he gets so worked up about something that isn't. Like Criss would just show up and take me to bed get real right?When I was younger I watched David Copperfiled alot, I hear he is doing a show in Vancouver soon, I wouldn't mind seeing him if he came to Victoria. I would so go see Criss if he came, but my brother says he doubts Criss would come to canada, that made me sad:(I love Kathryn Morris off of Cold Case she is a wonderful actress and seems really down to earth.It's wierd to see Camryn Manheim on Ghost Whisperer this year. I've always been a fan of hers. I want to get my ears done like hers:) Odd but true fact:) I've never played Marco Polo can someone please tell me how the hell this game works what is the point of it?I did not know amityvilee was in New york, another reason for me to go to new york huh Barb? I gotta get there one day soon I think about it all the time:) it's in oceanville?I want to try out that new antidepressant cymbalta is anyone else on it? Does it help? I am wondering if it really helps with the physical symptoms of depression, if it does that would be so damn great:)48hrs oct 28 2006-The Church of scientology Ellie "Perkins" Think it is crap they put down psychiatry killed by Jeremy now being treated for schizophrenia.I saw on the news not too long ago that our military is no longer gonna require people to pass the physical, they will now get passed on to a trainer. Also they apparently will be able to enroll at a younger age, WTF? I am bewildered by this!I am curious to see the documentary coming out on attempted suicide called THE BRIDGE alot of controversy apparently over it.Book: Fatal FamiliesMake A Wish FoundationThe Movie Loves Music Loves to Dance 2001 was a good movie; Patsy Kensit & Justin Louis. Kept me guessing till the end, way fucked up. Not many movies keep me intrigued lately this one did and watched it on the women's network:)Oh did you hear about the Meth bust that was so huge they said it will hugely affect colorado. They called it the Elmo bust as he had 4lbs of meth of just some of the meth they found in these guys. A 19yr old was the ring leader I heard about this on October 26 2006 I am just shocked by that news, poor elmo:(I found a new drink I like it's called VEX a blue drink hard blueberry, raspberry, lemonade, 7%vol. tastes like a blue freezie:)2 of the new shows I like this year is 20 good years and Till Death both are so funny I almost pee myself laughing, omg those are definetly hits this year!Lisa Williams-Life Among the DeadI love the song by Jewel- It's Gonna Be AlrightOther songs I want- I want a ManOkay I am getting hooked on Gene Simmons Family Jewels his kids are so remarkably normal. I love it, and his beautiful wife. I can't believe he had security stop him and not know who he was Holy Stupid Fucking People! Lady you gave canadian security a bad name not knowing who he was *hangs head in shame for our canadians* Ever heard of KISS? aaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh?I liked on More Haunted Houses- VJ Houseman*Psychic & Cari Roy*Psychic they were very good:)Voodoo Margaret Very good and interesting lady:) I have written here no one knows where baby but can't read the name I wrote but mom was Jane. Hull House used to help care for babies and mothers who had been turned away and had no where to go. There was a baby that was said to be a demon baby but was just born without limbs and they took it in. This story so touched my heart. I love stories like that. It is sick how cruel people can be just because the baby was missing it's limbs, made me cry. I am fascinated by the story of Sarah Winchester I want to know more. I want to go visit the place she had built which is now a tourist attraction. She was the heir to the winchester fortune which is guns and was bothered by the death of that. So she was somehow felt to build with the money she had and built an eccentric building. The building had no sense to it, tiny windows, no way to hallways ect. At some point apparently a hurricane took it down leaving 2 rooms and she took this as a sign to build backwards. Apparently she was taken with the number 13 which only fascinates me more and was used in building this building which would have things like 13 stairs and 13 windows ect. Her will had 13 parts and was signed 13 times. She slept in different rooms each nigh believing the spirits would not find her, however she did not elude them foever she slept her last night in one of the rooms. In her safe was found only 2 locks of hair the locks to her dead husband and child of long ago. That alone touches me. 13 touches me too as it is a very important number and beloved number in our family for many reasons and has touched our lives many times and probably will again.Oh that sucks Mary's ex boyfriend gets to go to disney I have always wanted to go:( No fair!

Jumbled Lives

2006-10-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

This year has just been such a jumble in life. Changes with me and all my kids. Changes with Phil and I. Now changes with my brother and Christine. Now Phil off work and not being able to do a damn thing. Life has really just truly sucked this year. It seems every year you think another year gone can't get much worse yet it comes and there it goes to get worse. I can honestly say I hate life more and more every day! But I am probably not alone in that. Sure there is lots of people int his world who feel the same way.
Why is it nothing every works out the way you want it to? Like life is destined to bite you in the ass just when you think your about to be happy?
Ya know since Doug and I started talking and I saw him finally, he just disappeared into the blue again? Like seeing me just made me worthless to him and he was better off not seeing me, I am confused: '(
Has anyone checked out my site http://www.petster.com/LadyIllusions/
I can say I am happy my brother bought me a ticket to go see Motley Crue and Aerosmith for my birthday I am so excited I just light up when I talk about it my friend Sherri is going with me too:) We are in row 11 so we are actually not too far back. I can't believe my brother actually bought it for my bday. I think that is the best thing to happen to me this year.
Oh I have to say I watched Gene Simmons Family Jewels cause I had nothing else to watch wow his kids are so normal and he is so funny. I loved watching the show. I can't believe there were people who actually did not know who he was that was so harsh lol.
Ya know I was thinking the other day it was commented to me how someone was gonna go back to smoking gain back their weight change back to who they were ect and how that was so bad. At first I agreed and then I was thinking if they change back maybe they weren't happy when they made those changes, maybe they made those changes feeling they had to because otherwise the love wouldn't be there like they should be. When did it be ok to put conditions on love? It seems now a days if there is not conditions on love then there is no love. Like with Doug I knew I had to never be negative, I had to always be positive, I knew I had my libidio stay strong. I knew what to say and not to say. I knew my bipolar kept him from moving in and that my lack of working and having disability kept him from marrying me. I am not stupid. Phil he always tells me he wouldn't have to yell at me or at us if we would just do what he tells us to do or do what he wants us to do. If it were HIS way all the time then he wouldn't have to yell. So I cry and I have to feel worthless because I just don't ever get it good enough for him. If I gained too much he would leave. Yeah there is another one for you. Doug never took me out when I weighed more, but when I lost weight he started to. Even then it was little. When did love come with conditions? How come it's not unconditional anymore, at what point in centuries did unconditional love happen? I wish I knew what it was to feel love for who I am just me just for who I am and for who my kids are, but have come to realize that doesn't exisit except in nursery rhymes. Why I am wasting peoples time by writing about it is beyond me. Anyhow off for now...

Phil Was In An Accident

2006-10-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

Well Phil is off work, he got into an accident going to work and they think may have got hurt even worse at work. I met up with him at the hospital from his work on monday night and he fractured his elbow bone on the right and fracture his finger on the left hand. He was casted up on monday but had a CT scan on tuesday and now has an immobilizer on. They say he will be rechecked in 3 weeks right now he has escaped surgery but surgery may still be an option. If surgery happens they will be removing a bone. He is still applying to the military, just will put off his going in a little longer as they say he is off work at least 8 weeks :'( Roger has dropped off a bunch of stuff here, I call him at his place to wake him up every afternoon. I watched Kailar today was fun he is so good and easy to care for. Just tiring cause I been helping care for Phil too. My dad picked him up at work and took him to hospital. I called his mom at the hospital. His mom came to see him. His family all has been great and supportive. His family really loves him. He has been really loving towards me, says he thinks he got hurt so he would see he needs to love me more and be with me more and yada yada yada before he is off to the military. I just keep telling him to lay down and go sleep and I make sure he is on his meds regularly. I am glad he has his mom to support him. I worry about her too lately, she seems sore and is loosing alot of weight, I think about her alot! Sadly she lost one of her birds she was trying to save lately. It's always sad to loose an animal we care for. My newt disappeared, I didn't cry but I was super upset about it. I hope to get a couple newts when I got to salt spring. Maybe pay the kids a few bucks to get a couple in Aunty Jo's backyard again.My brother says he is gonna move back to the USA. My son has mentioned on many occasion he also wants to move to the USA. God the two of them are so alike. Roger says he is going to be a motivational speaker. I told him he has the experiences in life to be one too and one people will want to listen to. I am sure he could be one of those speakers you end up watching a show about on dateline :) Still nothing from Doug, wondering if he found a chick to lay on his plenty of fish site. Cause his dad said I missed him at their place and his phone is always right to voicemail. Apparently Michael meets ladies online as well. Ya know though I had met Doug on Monday Magazine and never for a moment regretted it. Phil however I met through my daughter, he used to take her friend and her out and so we met that way. Wierd but true :0 I'm getting more excited as the time gets closer to getting a tat or two. I am trying to convince Phil to get his favorite megatron transformer tattooed on him. With his nickname MegatronPro with it. The meds the doctor put him on for pain my dad says is an opiate pretty much prescription heroin on to joy. It's called: Dilaudid it pretty much just dulls his pain. So he has a couple motrin super strength as well.Anyhow here is some left overs and I am off:Tako-Davie Fl on Aleve Commercial wow he's hot!Never knew there was Hypnos god of sleep and he has a twin they work with Hades God of the Underworldhttp://www.shortperiod.com http://www.volvocarsus.com who would you give a volvo to? Know any up and coming sports prospects watch perrysprospects@ctv.ca http://www.freshenergy.com http://www.candlemard.com http://www.ytv.com http://www.victoriaball.com http://www.drphil.com http://www.aadac.com Alberta Alcohol & Drug Abuse Commission http://www.shadowshopper.com http://netpanel.researchbynet.com http://www.ballyrealage.com I love the drink called the Blue Lagoon Vodka, Blue Carakoe and sprite yummmmmmmmm.I watched a documentary on msnbc reports Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here: Kentucky State PenetentariaryA great Pen I think but two prisoners who have taken my interest is Victor Hiatt Looks like your average man & apparently is the most violent inmate surprises me and makes me very curious as to him as a person. The other is:Fleece Johnson, hard to believe he was considered one of the worst violent criminals when he went in as he seems like a great guy now. I'd love to talk to him and get to know how all that changed.

Happy Turkey Day, & More

2006-10-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

Well I made turkey today for my brother, Phil and I. Turned out ok. Now all is quiet. I talked to Mary and then to DJ. DJ was a little harder I told him of all the changes and he automatically jumped to the conclusion I was setting it up to ask him to move back home. The thing is I don't have that on my mind at all because at his age why would I do that now? Everyone knows I have no thought of that at all. It almost feels like he wants me to ask him that, but I truly don't want to ask him that. If he ever came back it would be because it was on his motives, on his want and need. I hate right now how he inisists I kicked him out when I never did, he got mad at me for needing a 2 day break and left. I really wanted him to come home that weekend :'( He thinks that because I told him Sarah misses him I was trying to guilt trip him on the bus saying that that day. OMG I was stating the obvious, she does miss him ALOT! I hate fighting with him, I love him so much he is a great kid, I miss him and think about him all the time. Everyday for the last 5 days I have had very vivid dreams about him, so vivid I want to cry when I wake up. Why do we have such dreams?
Anyhow Phil is applying to the military, looks like if he goes into that he will soon be gone from victoria and I will not even have him to call :( His sister who is called his sister but isn't just got into the military leaves in a few weeks.
Roger and Christine aren't together so he has come here for a bit. He is talking about moving back to the USA. I kinda had a feeling he'd go back to the USA if that ever happened. Kinda makes me sad but one has to do what makes them happy.
Mary wants to move back still. Then there is just Sarah and I. She is pretty busy with her schedule and we do try to go out alot more often.
Phil and I had fun watching Kailar last week, we get to watch him again this week. He is a sweet kid :)
Doug seems to be busy, wonder if he finally found a chick who isn't calling him down. I know one chick had his interest so... Him and the place he works for got their heads shaved for cops for cancer. He says it's cold.
Went to Langford last week to check out Dollar Giant awesome store. I really like it but not how hard it is to get to if you use public transportation! Phil and I got in a fight on the road I hated it and I just wanted to get away. Getting in a fight out in public makes things so so so much worse. I fricken hate fighting!
I got a few text messages on my phone yesterday saying:
from: Chris Williams: Subject: 1/2 msg: Phil honey y didur x call me the other day saying ur engaged when ur not i thought it was funny u didn't tell her about me & u & t
msg: he kids nice trytrying 2 cal
msg: call me on my other line when she was talking 2 me oh was she mad that i was a girl but doesntshe know we still c eachother &uc
msg: um c thekids2 cyl love ya
How would you think and feel if your fiancee got messages like this on your cell? I am to say the least super choked!!! Phil says he has never been like that with her and he knows nothing about it or why she is doing this. I don't know what to think, feel or believe :'(
I was actually going to blog the other day on how would you feel if for as long as you've been together the person you've been with has been physically distant and then out of the blue is just hugely physically gropey and all over you, can't get enough. How do you take that? Do you think something is up or different? I mean it's made me just wonder what is up. I'm confused and now all the sudden this texting crap. Could the two be realated or am I just paranoid?
Anyhow here is written down and email stuff: I was excited to see Meatloaf has Bat Out Of Hell 3 is coming out in stores and going on tour? Is this so OMFG I love it, I love Meatloaf
http://ladyillusions.badoo.com/ http://tabbytime.petster.com/LadyIllusions http://www.matchfm.com/ I'm Sattorie http://www.onlinebootycall.comI'm LadyIllusions
http://www.theurcinvestigates.com or is it org? http://www.bestfriends.org http://www.beaches.com http://vampirefreaks.com http://www.amandatusing.com http://www.kidsmiles.ca The Legacy http://www.waramps.ca Ducks Unlimited http://www.ducks.ca
The B.C. Association for Community Living (BCACL) and the Provincial Government of British Columbia have proclaimed October as Community Living Month. Throughout the month, communities around the province and across Canada host Community Living Month events to celebrate the abilities and achievements of people with developmental disabilities. This year provides so many reasons to celebrate community living. Every day, I am overwhelmed and inspired by the unparalleled dedication and leadership of people with developmental disabilities and their families in our communities. Community Living Month makes us stop and take the time to celebrate our lives together.2006 marks BCACL's 10th anniversary of celebrating Community Living Month. Ten years ago, the last person with a developmental disability living in a large institution in BC moved to their home in the community. This year, we celebrate the United Nations’ Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. This convention clearly recognizes equal value, rights and contributions of people with developmental disabilities and their families to an extent never attained before in international law. We invite you to sign the Declaration to Create an Inclusive & Accessible Canada at www.endexclusion.ca. It is a Canada wide initiative designed to celebrate successes of people with disabilities. Join BCACL in supporting this initiative along with the Canadian Association for Community Living, the Council of Canadians with Disabilities and provincial and national partners. Add your voice to the thousands of citizens across Canada to end exclusion and celebrate the achievements we have made in advancing the rights of people with disabilities. Any effort you can make to help foster pride in our collective efforts to create communities which are welcoming of all abilities, can play a significant role in forging a greater sense of equality, acceptance and understanding within our society as a whole.

Manic Phase, Watch Out

2006-10-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

Well wow here I am again. If you haven't guessed it yet, the last 2 or 3 weeks I have been in a huge manic phase. Thus why the doctor upped my meds to try and settle things back down. However unlike my psychiatrist she doesn't listen to me and goes alot slower with my meds. Which I guess could be a good thing, but doesn't feel so good when I feel the way I feel right now. I see her again in a week and a half, which I made sure to book just in case the med change wasn't going to be enough (as I knew it probably wouldn't be). I wish they had a pill that could just shut off all running thoughts, could shut of bad memories and that could completely turn off the pain. Not the physical pain that I am used to I would rather deal with the physical pain. It's the emotional pain because you can't touch it, you can't see it, you can't do a fucking thing about it but cry. I write about it, but that makes me cry more. I grew up where crying was not acceptable. Go to your room and cry, or do you want something to cry about? That is what we got. When I was with Doug somehow the phone would get disconnected or he would leave or fall offline. I learned with him if I had negative emotions to keep them to myself, he had enough negativity in his life and at work. Then there is Phil. Women cry to be manipulative little bitches, or we cry over anything and everything. It pisses him off pretty bad so I try I really try not to cry in front of him. Cause when I do it just makes it so much worse. Even my best friend Sherri has said I cry about everything. So yeah over time I have tried hard to just keep any tears I have to myself because I have learned crying in front of others will make it all that much worse. Crying won't solve a damn thing, it's stupid and should be controlled!
So anyway yeah I am on a manic up and down like you wouldn't believe it's almost hour by hour thing, sometimes minute by minute. One minute I am on a huge adreniline wanna clean everything, go do everything moment. The next I feel dead to the world and cranky tired. Just want to be left alone. My thoughts are scattered. I envy those who have their Bipolar under control for years, I would love to finally be there too. I know I am getting there but I want to already be there:'(
Some days I do ok just being Sarah and I. But then something happens or I see or hear something and I just feel like the earth has fallen out from under me and my world isn't right. Yesterday Mary called she got to go shopping with a friend of Michael's and was spoiled rotten, told her sounds like things are pretty good. She changes quick and says no just was fun with her at that moment. She's asked to come home at Christmas and I am feeling very conflicted about it. I am just torn up I don't know what to do. I miss her so much but she is so hard to deal with:'( Then DJ called today asked for me by my name that hurt. He wanted to know what spice I used when I cook my chicken:) Everyone loves my Cajun Chicken. I have to credit Michael he got me started with one recipe and I kinda expanded it. Now everyone is hooked on it. I guess I should be happy for the call but I miss him so much. It is ripping me up so much inside. I think about him everyday, he is so much like my brother and I, and I could talk to him about anything and everything. I realize now maybe I talked to him about too much I forgot he is just a kid not an adult and that was wrong. The one thing I hate is now Sarah thinks she has to be my protector. If she catches me crying she wants to fix it. If she sees me fighting she wants to protect me. So I am trying to keep everything low key and happy for her. Her and I go out alot. We shop and go downtown. We take pictures, go to her sports she's in. I am very proud of her, she is doing so much, sometimes I can't believe I gave birth to so much talent. When people ask if that is my daughter because she's so good I can't help but smile and proudly say yes she is and thanks. She is gonna be great you watch, one day in the papers and on TV she'll be in the sports section!!! She says she will say thanks to mom, dad and uncle bobbie(shakes head-from family guy, if she does that I am gonna scream lol).
Tomorrow is gonna be a long day we get to go watch Kailar for the day, Sarah has early day and soccer practise, and Phil's brother Rick's fiance Liz's bday is tomorrow and there is a dinner for her that we're supposed to go to. We shall see. As I said we keep busy and are almost always on the go now. I guess that is partially the reason for my lost weight.
I have about a cazillion pics to go through and edit so I can post them, I so need a CD burner I am sure I have a ton of space eaten up by the pics:) Phil says I take too many pics. Yeah well he buys too many Transformers lol. He has 3 or 4 more transformers he bought on ebay.
I did ask for transfer papers, depending on what I decide about Miss Mary I may transfer out of here.
I've been considering going to a chiropracter for my back, but when I saw wifeswap last night it looked so painful when the little girl was getting cracked and my dad told me when he went he felt worse after than he did when he went in. I noticed the other day that my one arm has really bumpy bumps on the bone, I was massaging it because it felt a little sore. I had a couple other people feel it and yep they said it feels wierd too. Great another spot where my bones are gonna be screwed up, like my back is not bad enough? I've had tendinitis for about 12yrs but it has been pretty good last couple yrs only lately has it been acting up. It sucks:(
I was so insulted today on Law & Order Criminal Intent they asked who would have 'O Canada' as a ringtone as if it were a bad thing. Hello? I have had it as a ring tone. Bad Law and Order writers I cannot believe that was written into the storyline. I am a little peeved by that!
I wanted to put this link before I forget, I have watched every Big Brother except the first one I cannot believe Chill Town won, and I think Mike only won because of Will. (shakes head) http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/big_brother_7/2006_Sep_13_mike_boogie_wins
Have you ever had something that if you see it or hear it a trigger goes off in your head? I have a few but one that I have and have tried to overcome because it didn't happen to me but someone I love and care about is duct tape. I watch alot of crime shows and true life crime ect and in watching those alot of scenes come up with people tied up or muffled with that and I always feel like puking and/or crying and I get flashbacks to something that happened when I was younger to someone else. I always wonder if it triggers them since it happened to them.
I have done alot of reading on siblings and their place in the family. I am the oldest of 3. Yet alot of people have mistaken me for the youngest. Actually it is me, then my sister and then my brother. I am the slower of the 3, and both my sister and my brother when I was younger had come to my defense. We are all very different.
Hmmmm well I had more to write but I have to go take my meds now. I just finished talking to my brother and changes have come to his life, which is bringing changes to my life. One good thing from it is being able to be a good big sister. I love being there for my little brother. I love to know that he knows he can always, always come to to me no matter what. Anyone who gets to be in my brothers life should hold him tight because he will probably be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Trust me he is a keeper and I am sure his wife knew that to her dying day. I only hope he finds someone else to love him like she did again....
Anyhow some emails sent to me and am pasting here and laterz all....
Sunday night King Ring Nancy signed a record deal with DeadBunny Records and a management Deal also! We are proud to say we will be working under the care of Mr. Dixon Christie from this day on. Also our album is coming along very well and completion of the album is not far off.
It Must Be Nice To Be A Man...Because:1. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 2. Wrinkles add character. 3. The occasional well-renderedbelch is practically expected. 4. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut onto a bolt. 5. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. 6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 7. No one stares at your boobs when you’re having a conversation. 8. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 9. ONE mood, ALL the damn time. 10. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
For over 25 years, NAMI has been committed to raising awareness and promoting research into the causes and cures for mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health, and even the priority of NIMH in the larger research arena, has enjoyed a growth in funding due in no small part to NAMI advocacy. NAMI's tireless efforts to advocate for mental illness has resulted in a public investment in research and greatly influenced the private sector to expand its commitment as well. NAMI will celebrate its second annual Unmasking Mental Illness Gala in Washington, D.C. on October 18, 2006. The event will spotlight NAMI's commitment to promoting research into the causes, treatment, and cure for mental illnesses and will be attended by members of Congress, political leaders, and an honor roll of scientists and researchers. Patty Duke will present the 2006 NAMI Mind of America Scientific Research Award to Charles L. Bowden, M.D., for his seminal research on bipolar disorder. The $50,000 Award recognizes a scientist whose research has led to a greater understanding of mental illness. Specific treatments and significant advances in mental illness research are on the horizon; NAMI recognizes the federal government's role in supporting enhanced funding for public research, partnering with ongoing private research.In the coming months, NAMI will launch a federal advocacy initiative focused on new treatments, scientific breakthroughs, and ultimately a cure for mental illness. We can't do this alone. Find out about ways you can support NAMI as we move forward with our commitment to research through our Donation Center. (http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Donate&lstid=747) Learn more about the Gala and how you can attend (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Unmasking_Mental_Illness_Gala&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=25805)
Canadians in Hell:
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

Conversational Pieces

2006-09-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

So last night while we were on our way home from Colwood the subject of tattoos came up. It is for sure I am getting this tat for my birthday. I was told by my mother I really am being stupid because I never knew my neice. That hurt alot. When my sister in law Tara died I wanted nothing more than to get a ticket to Georgia and fly to be by my brothers side. I was worried about my neice she was born so early and so small I just wanted to go. However my mother chose to go ahead of me and asked me to come out later. You have no idea how many times I have cried and cried and cried over the fact that I didn't do what my gut told me to do. I remember hearing her coo on the phone and how excited I was to go see her, even considered leaving my kids at home and still going earlier than January. Everything in me told me to go early. When I got that call that she had died I wanted to die. I could not get out of canada soon enough. I wanted to be with my brother, I wanted to be with my mom, I wanted for it to be all a bad dream. I generally don't talk about it and my family has made me feel like I have no right to hurt over it or to think about it. God this is so painful to write about. I feel like maybe if I had gone when I was going to maybe things would be different. I did all I could from home. I called and wrote so many people to help my brother. But it never felt like enough. I just kept wanting to wake up. I hated everyone and I hated God. I felt so angry at myself and at the world. I want to know how God chooses which child lives and which child doesn't. My son almost died but he came back why didn't my neice? I never got to see her alive, only her coos on the other end of a phone. However the day she was buried I went to the parlour to see her with my mother. If you want reality it hits you when you hold a child who's crossed over into heaven. I wanted her to wake up as I held her. I put on her little crucifix and the little satin slippers I had bought her for her baptism that never happened. You never forget the pain that comes with holding a lifeless child. I didn't know her but I felt her spirit and still do. As we placed her back in the casket and covered her sweet little body I placed a note my brother wrote next to her and told her daddy loved her and so did I. One day I'd see her again. Sometimes when I am feeling as low as I can feel I feel her there next to me, along with my best friends mom who I call MOM, I refer to her as my surrogate mom. So anyhow that is why this tattoo I think will bring me some peace and make me feel closer to my neice. I though do agree I don't have the right to hurt like my brother and mother who were there from beginning to end, and I am sorry I cry at all. I should be stronger. I hate myself for being so weak!!!!
I had thought of getting a tattoo in memory of my surrogate parents (my best friends mom & dad) but their not my parents and I don't want to go over a line that is too far. Mom though was everything to me. There for everything in my life. I thought I was gonna die when she died. I alot of times I could stop hurting over her because she's not my mom and it's not natural. I have a mom and dad and they are both plenty alive. It's so wrong and unnatural what I feel. I lost it at her memorial. I remember Sherri saying I hope your this upset when your real mother dies. My surrogate mom was tuff and was strong and she told it like it was. She never put me down and never made me feel bad about myself. She was unlike anyone I have ever known and will ever know again. I felt safe with her and loved with her. I never felt like I couldn't tell her anything, it's not like that with my normal mom and never will be. I don't know why I have such an unnatural attachment to her but I do know it probably isn't right or healthy, and even more wrong to be this way when she is deceased:(
I've always thought about doing tat's for my kids DJ had planned a tat I actually loved the idea and want to do to represent him a grim reaper holding a baby representing living through the brinks of death, soccer for Sarah but not sure about my other child yet. I saw today in the older days emporers and kings had crests and crosses tattoo's on them. I think that would be awesome, It would be cool to make a crest of my own with my kids representations wouldn't it? Then later to have my family name tattoo crest as I am scottish and we do have one?
I am looking at getting megatron with a broken heart with a drop of blood. I have always had a fascination with tat's. I just think they are so hot. Just like I love long well groomed hair and big blue or brown eyes. My issue with tat's right now is I have lost so much weight I have alot of loose skin and I really need a tummy tuck and liposuction and I don't want to get tat's where I might get those things done. My skin is so excessive I have alot of painful rashes. The burn pics where it looks like butt pics, some kids thought they were uhm yeah NOT BUTT PICS that is loose skin on my side. Yeah hi nice huh? Ever so sexy? NOT!!!! They used to do pannelectomy's no problem apparently now you have to fight to get them done. If you do win you apparently get around 230 dollars canadian. Who the hell is going to do surgery for that much money? Meanwhile the pain of the loose skin also causes alot of pain in my back because it pulls. I lost my breasts but now they sag and need to be pulled up because again pretty sure the sagging affects the pain in my back. I AM SICK OF BEING IN PAIN!!!!!
I have always wanted something to represent my scorpio sign as well. I am obssessed with being a scorpio, the best sign of the zodiac.
It is cool how when tats come up people will jump into conversation and talk about their take on tats and if they have any discuss the ones they have. I think that is so awesome. Apparently in New York Paul Booth does tats in a window so people can see him doing them as they pass by, holy shit that would rock wouldn't it? Definetly tat's by far are a huge conversation piece. It's nice to see more women are getting them. I just say be sure it's what you want and if it is go for it and screw what anyone says to try and stop you from doing it.
It was kind of a flashback being in the mall parking lot in Colwood last night too. Cars were driving like idiots full of young adults and teens. A fight was out for a couple minutes. Flashbacks to days I was in. Some guy was yelling at another guy about getting his money. Eventually got back in his car and sped out, but stopped long enough to say and Chris you know where I'm from or something to that degree. Wow I remember shit like that going on with friends I hung out with. I used it as an example to talk to my daughter about how you can get caught up in trouble. You just never know when stuff is gonna happen when your with people like that.
Anyhow here is some stuff I have to throw in and then I am off for now:
Celebrity Duets I was so jealous of Lucy Lawless for being able to sing with Bonnie Tyler one of my favorite all time songs and video for that matter Total Eclipse of the Heart, I just cried like a baby. I also loved the entire outfit damn I'd kill for that outfit! However I still vote for Hal Sparks holy frick yes baby I'll spend a day with him and buy any album he puts out:)
I recently watched Edmund Perry Story Murder Without Motive it was an OK movie. Scary Movie 4 was funny but was just ok was a little over the top. However I watched AN AMERICAN HAUNTING- Awesome movie, very well done and about half the way through I put it together and figured out what was going on but still it held me to it. I am hard to please but I would buy this movie and watch it again. Donald Sutherland did a really awesome job. Kudos goes out to him. I loved this, you have to see it it is based on true facts. I love true stories but alot have sucked lately, not this one this was well played out!
Oh wow I am so happy to hear that the old lady "Jacquiline" who was raped and had no home got alot of help from AMW and people who watch AMW. It's horrible that some guy would do that to a little old lady living on the streets. He is just the sickest of the sick!
If anyone is interested in whitening products on the market I have tried a few. From Oral-B Rembrandt Whitening Strips I got the box of 14 strips whitens in 5 days. You put the strips on for 30mins a day. Well these are a pain in the ass to use. They are hard to place on properly, your constantly watching the time and they do not always stay stuck on your teeth. For the price you pay I really think they should do a better and easier job!
Natural White 5 Minute Whitening Gel with patented Duplex Mouth Tray, not too bad to use I don't think it whitens all that well and doesn't taste too bad. You get a bottle of mouth rinse as well that supposed to encourage a fresh mouth and whitening to take. Tray I found a little uncomfortable but ok.
Natural White Pro-Dual Action Whitening Gel 14 day treatment. Once again using a mouth tray. I had hard time getting it in tray because of thickness, did have some good white results but not as white as I had thought you would get and 14 days seems like alot when you see how much of the gel you end up needing in the tray. 5mins for 14 days
Plus+White-5 minute Teeth Whitener Gel, Oxygenating Action Like Dentists Use to Whiten Teeth. Nice cheap price applied with cotton Swab to the surface of your teeth. 3-5 minutes for 2 weeks and then use once or twice weekly. As they say you get what you pay for. Will whiten your teeth but not much better than any of the whitening toothpastes out there.
Crest Vivid White Night toothpaste, I like it. I like the moonlight mint and I don't know that it helps loosen the plaque for the next morning all that much but people do seem to notice a difference with this toothpaste it is my new choice in nighttime toothpaste and my new daytime toothpaste is: Crest Vivid White, I use invigorating mint, again not sure it does what it says it does but I do like the stuff so for now it's the new choice of household toothpaste:)
Crest Whitening Expressions I have tried a few and YUCK! Tastes like your putting candy in your mouth to brush your teeth. Definetly saw no whitening happening, not a toothpaste for my home.
Aquafresh Extreme Clean Powerwhite, with micro-active foaming action, popular with some people who have tried around here but I do not like it at all. Don't like the test did not see any difference in whitening, do not like feeling like I am brushing with soap not toothpaste.
Arm & Hammer All-In-One with 3 hour fresh Breath- I felt like my teeth were definetly clean, says it whitens but didn't see that happen. The 3 hour fresh breath uhm have not seen that be true for anyone who has used it.
Oh I liked the show Jericho somewhat, I am hooked for the moment on Hereo's which I had every intention of NOT WATCHING. But someone explain to me what is with the chick in the mirror that's the one power I do not understand I'm in the dark on that one????? I have not got to watch my ghost whisper new episodes yet. I like Close to Home but I hate that she is now a single mom, why did they do that? I do not like the new cop on SUV but I didn'nt like the two new cops last year either and I probably never will! I love my Without A Trace. I am not sure how I feel about Kidnapped. Cold Case Files is doing good. Intervention is always good. AMW will always have me as a viewer. I am really inot the storylines on CSI and CSI Miami already, they are off to an awesome start. Is Medium coming back? 48Hr Mystery I still am watching and of course Dateline is always a good watch and Primetime Live. Sometimes 20/20 but not always. I did watch the 20/20 this week with Barbara Walters. I LOVE JUSTICE I am addicted to that show hugely already and Shark is turning big for me. I love how tuff he is in court but how slow he is with his daughter. I love how they do that, he needs to have that in the storyline you can bond with his character better.
Anyhow my back is killing me so am off for now...

My Ramblings...

2006-09-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

Now that I did an update I can update all the things I had written down. Another of my mixed up thoughts all written on different things but wanted to blog about. Oh Phil finally got the Primus transformer he wanted and he has thus far I think 4 of the smallest titanium transformers and megatron and Ultimus Prime the next size up in titanium. He also ordered a few more transformers online. He bought me the mini robotronic robot I wanted I told him not to bother but he bought it. I want the jr and big huge one too. I have wanted the huge one forever. *dreams off in dreamworld for a second* [So remember how I asked if ya had a friend who wouldn't talk to anyone around her about what was really going on in her life because it was bad? I mean things like having to lock herself in a room to escape being yelled at and having to be asked if she wants him dead or to kill him. Even going so far as to leave her own home because she couldn't escape him at home and he still chased after her? I mean this is all hypothetical. I have been reading some interesting forums. But some people think well she's not getting beat up right? So deal with it? I think maybe that would be one reason she wouldn't say anything. It's a little unearthing.]Really proud of Sarah she scored the tie goal for her team for their first game. I am so proud of how good she is. I just wish my family could find an hour out of 1 fricken day to come out and cheer her on. None of them even came for her birthday or sent her even a card. I tried to call my brother to invite him for her he hung up on me. My sister could careless if my children and I drop dead. Oh wait yeah she cares about Mary. My mom will go babysit puppies in colwood but won't go to a game because a handful of parents are there. My dad said he'll go to a couple of her games. As for her bday Most of Phil's family said happy bday to her and she got some cards and a few gift. She more wanted just to see her family. But unfortuately I am the ugly, stupid, no good, bipolar, bitch, slut, hoare, bad mother to my family, so my kids have to suffer because they hate me:'(Ok I am getting myself worked up so am gonna just do my blog papers now, here goes in no particular order:I am thinking about seeing if I can get involved with the Victorian Society as I love that era so very very much. Plus I am getting ot alot more now and am slowly feeling stronger and less anxious around people. I may still need to get ativan for my panic attacks around bigger groups of people.Sarah and I colored our hair together. I was always against it but I decided it's just hair she is the one who has to wear it, so if she wants it colored I guess that's fine with me.On wifeswap I really really loved the Zemanek Family. Jill & John seem like really cool people and I love the name they gave their son Deuce. I love it! Their daughter Raven is sweet too. They live in Arizona. When they showed their house I was like omg I fricken love it. I love how they turned a coffin into a couch I so love that. God I would so love to get a room done up the way they had theirs set up. I think it rocks!http://www.Vampirefreaks.com http://www.islandart.com http://www.manlaw.com http://www.10work.com http://www.thetvboss.org http://www.askdrk.com http://www.whitelight.com http://www.igia.com http://www.overstock.com/tvoffer http://www.cba.org http://www.ichannel.ca http://www.womensware.com http://www.onmemory.ca http://thecastle.ca http://www.tarabaker.com http://www.bettermeals.com http://www.myhealthyspace.ca http://www.luxtonfair.ca http://www.autotrader.ca http://www.stickupbulb.com http://www.sesamenet.org http://www.artincognito.com http://www.vivauctions.com http://www.exitnow.ca http://www.darkness2light.org http://www.childrenswishes.ca http://www.mygirlyspace.com http://www.wendyhutchens.com http://www.judgeoj.com http://makeyourvoicecount.com http://www.blood.ca http://www.floamcanada.com http://www.sportinabox.ca http://www.tmz.com http://www.whitesonly.net http://www.surreyreuses.com http://www.prisonpals.com http://www.lightthenight.org http://www.hate.com I watch alot of MSNBC I will watch and rewatch and rewatch again the dark heart iron hand episodes. I love some of the things in the different jails they do. Like one jail does Macbeth with some of their inmates. It actually has been well recieved and is interesting to listen to a session. Certain crimes and prisoners have touched me more than others.Kevin McLaughlin In Wabash Valley Correctional Facility. He is a self-injurer. Listening to him talk about it I totally understood it. I don't think you can understand it unless you've been a self injurer yourself, you can try to understand it, but if you haven't done it screw you and all your I understanding crap!The Movie: The Riverman was interesting to watch. I liked not just learning about the greenriver killer but Ted Bundy. Who couldn't even call his vitims women no he called them "entities" It's kinda cool that he helped them find the riverman. I saw the wedding band on in the movie and looked it up. I hadn't realized Ted had gotten married and had a little girl. I think the police failed alot of women. Gary Ridgeway(riverman) could have been caught long before he was. They just did not follow up like they should of and did not keep ontop of him when they talked to him. I truly feel some women died because police were behind the ball. What's sad about Ted well God he could have had such a great life, he was so damn smart and alluring. I really feel for him in my heart. Dying was probably one of his best days. I think him dying was such a waste of a life that could have been so different and so much better. It's disheartening!Kentucky Prison known as Kentucky Castle seems to be run pretty well. They have wild kitties outside in the yards the guys love them. The cats are like family to them. 2 prisoners I believe are there that I thought were cool were: Fleece Johnson & Victor Hiatt.. I have written here Moral Recognition Therapy I believe that is a program run there.Teshawn Solomon sang a really nice song in L.A. COunty Jail. Documentary. Lockup in LA County MSNBC in jail for 12 yrs I believe they said but was awaiting a transfer.John Karr now that guy reminded me of BTK not so much for having same crimes as they were totally different. I mean in how BTK came out after he had disappeared because some guy was getting attention for a book he was writting on him and he got pissed and so came back out to put the attention back on himself. So now we come to John Karr who claims to have killed Jon Bennett Ramsey. I was like he so didn't do it. But people are stupid and they believed him so what did he get MEGA FRICKEN MEDIA ATTENTION AROUND THE WORLD!!! Exactly what he wanted. However when DNA came back what did we find out. The ass is a big huge ass wannabe. He is a sick perverse pig and we know he is getting charges but not for what he told the world. Good riddens John Karr. Soon you'll be forgotten about and that's all you deserve!!! I do have to say this Baby Tristen Buckett I do hope that little boy is alive. But I do despise what the media has done to his mother. I totally blame the media for the crap they have said about her. You cannot base guilt NANCY GRACE on the fact that she had in the newspaper an ad for selling that car seat. There could be any number of reasons why she was selling one. Ever heard of a bus? I never put my kids in a seat on the bus? Maybe she was never using that seat in the first place maybe someone was driving and they had a seat they used. Maybe she was so hysterical about loosing her son that she just couldn't think in a rational mind. This girl was pounced on by the media you give her less than 30 secs asking up to 5 questions all at once. I just think things should have been handled alot better than they were. Also using what she wrote in her blogs what a fricken load of crap that is. Alot of people write to just vent or be another person who they can't be in real life. You can't base shit on things people write. I mean God there are people out there who have blogs in character of cartoons for God sakes. I feel sad for both the little boy and a mother who felt she had no where to turn but to kill herself. The media can be great and I am a fan of Nancy's but I think she was too hard on Ms Buckett!As for the teacher Debra Lafave sleeping with a 14 year old student and then saying she was bipolar and manic at the time. I am bipolar. I would never sleep with a 14yr old and I certaily would never blame it on bipolar. It is true being bipolar for some will make you hypersexual I know it took many years and many many many med changes to realize that was not normal that was my bipolar. I am much more relaxed and laid back now. I wish I had those meds as a teen:'( Anyhow She says he wanted it and she gave it to him. Says he pushed her up against the board in the classroom and pulled up her top and she told him to stop it one day with his friend there. I believe that is the day he told on her, but not 100% sure. Her ex-husband and her looked so good together and she is so beautiful what the hell was she fricken thinking. Then she just gets house arrest? If a male teacher had done the same he'd been in jail. Beauty should not equal freedom. She did a bad thing and should serve the time!Not sure why I have it written but I have KIMVEERI also wanted to say my heart goes out to the families at Dawson College in Quebec Canada. *hugs*Give to the Carol sund/Carrington FoundationWant to read the book: Violence in Our Lives Dr. Elizabeth Caril PH.D.Bilbo the Lifeguard saved a life recently, gotta love man's best friend:)Oh this guy that does taxidermy, he'll freeze dry your pets for ya. OMG they look so real. I love his work. You should check him out! Mac's Taxidermy he was on Primetime I believe he quoted $1000 for the first 10lbs and then $150 for the next amount of pounds not sure which amount that is.World Church of the CreatorThe Turner DiariesExtremists Documentary ChannelPolice use C.A.R.F.Wow can you fricken believe PLAYDOH is 50yrs old? Man I would so love to spend a week with Dr.Jane G Medical Examiner(show on Discovery Health), she is really sweet and thorough. I am interested in autopsy but would like to spend a week in actual autopsies seeing what it would be like to be there and to assist.I am so saddened for Anna Nicole Smith loosing her son while welcoming into the world a new child. Her emotions must be all over the place. She must be hurting. I wish her the very best. And her new little one.OK OK OK OK NBC I AM SO SUCKED IN AT LEAST FOR THE MOMENT TO THE NEW SHOW HEREOS!!!!! But can someone explain to the stupid part of me how that girl seeing another of herself in reflections works? I take it she's protecting her? I am confused on the reflection I don't get it.Question anyone give me a clue on where I might be recognizing the lady head detective from on THE CLOSER? I know I know her from something.Another show I love now is HAUNTING EVIDENCE, John Oliver & Karla Baron are 2 different types of psychics but they are so right on the money I mean BANG ON! Seriously you have to see these two in action they are phenomenal.CELEBRITY DUETS is ok I watch it because there is nothing else on it's time slot. But I do LOVE LOVE LOVE did I say LOVE HAL SPARKS!!!!!OMG when he came out singing from Twisted sister and playing that guitar, singing-We're Not Gonna Take It. I was screaming right along with them. WHEW THEY ROCKED THAT STAGE! David Foster said he would take him to his studio and make him a singer. DAVID FOSTER YOU BETTER!!!! I want an album to buy whew hoo:)http://myhealthyspace.ca is something I read up on in our local paper. It's an experiment to create a blog to communicate with our youth. There is also a coloring contest for elementary students.I watched a biography about Dr. Heinz Lehmann a psychiatrist of north america/clinician a really great man. Helped to bring in medications into North America for people with mental disorders. He was inducted into the canadian medical hall of fame. He taught at the Douglas Hospital. He did alot of tests for different things I caught that he did one called a dandilion test. Our goverment gave money for him to have round the clock nurses for a handful of the worse case senerios patients. They didn't talk, dress, spread feces on the walls ect. What he wanted to see is if they had round the clock personal care, would they change. First they played with mud to emulate feces, then to finger painting, then drawing, eventually they started to dress and dance and sing and talk and they were doing really well. But after 6 mos the money ran out and they didn't give anymore funding and they went back to the way they were. Shame on the goverment. I was really saddened that so much came out of that and then to take it away how cruel was that? Another thing he pointed out. Our asylums are all closing down families have to care for the mentally ill now. Because there is meds, but meds does not fix it all, some can't remember to take it, or need help to take it ect. I know they said one asylum used to have 2500 now there is less than 200 eventually there will be none. In the old days you could put your spouse in one and divorce them on those grounds. But when they got better they had no where to go. That is incredibly saddening to me. What happened to the wedding vows till death us do part and through sickness and in health? *a little teary* Anyhow he died inApril 7, 1999. The National Mental Health Institute is in Washington USA. I do like a theory they are looking at they have taken identical twins and like the ones we saw one had schizophrenia and one did not. A gland in the brain was small it was normal the other way bigger he was the one with schizophrenia. They are theorizing that it might not be gentic after all but that at some point we become vulnerable to a certain virus and that is what causes the mental illness. That one day we may have a vaccination to prevent mental illness. If you have it already you'd be too late. But wouldn't that be great for people down the line? I've always wondered why I can't just get a couple shots a month I hate fricken taking meds I hate it!Oh I bought this medical buffer I thought it was great. Sold by a small stand in the mall called Temptation from the dead sea. Actually I sulked at Phil to get it for me. Phil wasn't impressed but I was a sucker. So you get this medical buffer with 4 sides. The normal black emery, then a white side, a grey side and a pink side. You buff your nails and the last color when your done your nails are naturally shiny, that is what got me suckered. I loved how shiny it made my nails look without polish. Then you get cuticle softner for the last thing and moisturizing Body lotion. Well all Summer I was like holy crap my nails are so long I love it they finally are nice and long. A few days after I used the medical buffer my nails BROKE every single one of them and keep breaking:'( You can check out their products: http://www.temptationbeauty.com I do like the smell of the lotionwe got Thursdays Embrace.If you have not yet tried any of the Clairol Herbal Essences Shampoo's you so got to. No one is allowed to use mine. The one I LOVE isHELLO HYDRATION in the blue bottle with a fusion of orchid & coconut milk

Is It Fall Already?

2006-09-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

So Summer was getting over my stupid burn. Getting shirts made Summer of Spillage 2006. Threw a suprise Party for Phil and mixed it with a party for his mother which off pretty great. His family helped out with getting him a great bike for his bday. As there is now no car. Went to Keg for dinner where I forced myself to eat my escargot as it was so bad that bad is the understatement of the year. I cried it was so bad. I love escargot. Marshal McSheffrey a friend of mine got me started on them and I have loved them ever since. I really wish I could track that man down. Last I had spoke to him he was just getting out of jail in sasketchewan. I used to live with him and my ex boyfriend Warren(shadoe) in Agassiz BC. He was such a great friend I must track him down!
Anyhow my friend Derek McKay who works with he calls a "mind machine" tracked me down he had got together with a lady I believe on monday magazine he says they credit me with their relationship of 2 years. He had given me his number and email addresses and I got burned that same week and lost that info. Now I can't find it anywhere. I could just cry. He was alot like Doug. He was the one other person I trusted to tell anything and everything to, that I knew would come running if I needed anything. We only have a few people in our lives we know we can depend on and he was one of them so when I saw him I was so happy and excited. What I love about Derek is it has always been platonic as well. Just really good friends and nothing more, so I can be myself!
I went to salt spring island for the first time and met some people with AWESOME tat's and have decided that is where I am going to get my tat's. For my bday I already talked to the artist and she is going to make a special loopy writing for ALDEN's name and the ribbon I'm finally getting it done. I know I'll probably cry the whole time. I've wanted this done for a really long time. Alden is my deceased niece who I think of always and recently felt her close to me in a time when was probably not the best of times and that was hard. But I guess those times happen.
I have a special bracelet I wear for her and it never ever comes off!
Sarah had 3 parties that went very well and has now started the soccer season. Mary is happily doing her competitive cheerleading:) Decemenber will be the decicion of trial over or not. I saw Dj on the bus a couple days ago, talking didn't go well it was hard. He reminds me so much of my mother and my brother!!!
Finally got a BBQ earned with points, so it's been awesome having bbq food.
I lost the 2 sizes I had regained and then lost more. I struggle with eating though. I also get bad rashes from the extra skin, so bad I have screamed in pain and had to go to hospital. They gave me a cream and some kind of medication that helps the pain and puts me to sleep.
As for my other meds they were recently slightly uppsed and I now used blister backs and get them weekly so doing ok with those.
I also want to do a petition online and in r/l for MADD to change the canadian law about temporarily giving drunk drivers licenses after a 24hr suspension of drunk driving. This past canada day I allowed a child of mine to go to the beach with a friend of theirs to the beach because their mother was taking them. She was sober and said would be back in a few hours. Hours later my child came home saying the police brough them and their friend back. The mom was arrested and taken to jail. Not only did the officer not contact me it took me a couple weeks to reach the officer who then yes verified the mother had just finished drinking a wine cooler when they found them in a road stop. Was taken to the station 24hr suspension and then 3 month suspension. What I did not know is you get 3 weeks temporary license before that 3 months comes into play. I keep thinking what if my child had been seriously hurt or injured? Apparently in Ontario and quebec it is 7 days temporary. I also have come to learn by word of the kids mouth she has been driving despite the 3 months suspension. But if I don't see that for myself what can I do? It makes me so livid. My Child is no longer allowed to go anywhere or sleep over there anymore.
I am excited as all hell that all my shows are finally all new:)
[Here is a question for you. What would you tell a friend who is closing herself off from those around her because she does not want them to see or want to slep about what she is going through. What if you are the only one who knows she and those she holds closest are being yelled at, have hands laid on, have had walls and doors beaten in. That they are scared of it getting much worse but they refuse to tell anyone what do you tell them?]
Oh I finally saw Doug the other day. Went to starbucks I had water he had some type of coffee. Phil was still in bed, although was doing laundry when I got home and YES HE KNEW! He also came back over that evening for a bit before he went to work that night. YES AGAIN PHIL KNEW. His teeth look really awesome. He looks really awesome. He is trying to meet women right now. I do have to say for God sakes what the hell is with you women out there? Do you have to be so fricken nasty. No he's not the tallest guy out there. But ya know Phil he is only 5'4" and size in height is not something that should be an issue. Glasses should NOT be an issue. Is it just me I thought alot of us women liked our men on the bigger side. Part of what I loved about Doug was when he wrapped his arms around me they were so strong and hard. I mean his chest is hard and his arms HARD as rocks he is hard ladies. Never a problem in the bedroom, if there is one I guarantee it's not him it's YOU!!! He is single right now and he deserves someone who is not a bitch and who loves the old fashion kind of man because he is the type that just isn't out there anymore. He is a hard worker and close to his family. Yeah I do love him I am sure that is obvious. Always have and I always will. That is why I am saying it takes a special kind of bitch to be nasty enough to meet someone and say you short, glasses I don't think so your not my type your ugly. I mean guys have fricken feelings too what the hell? Have some heart I mean seriously women who do shit like that gives all women a bad name!!!
Anyhow we saved Bonnie & Clyde from being put down. They are 2 beautiful cats that were Colin's but he is moving as he is gonna be a daddy. (phil's youngest brother). They are 7yrs old.
So Far I am sad we only got to see Ray for a minute or so on CSI Miami, I loved the opening to CSI, I tried to get into Vanished and it drags on too much I stopped watching, I like the show Justice but they need to speed it up just a little bit. I'm liking Shark.
Anyhow am tired so off for now...